when-we-were-orphans

“All I know is that I’ve wasted all these years looking for something, a sort of trophy I’d get only if I really, really did enough to deserve it. But I don’t want it anymore, I want something else now, something warm and sheltering, something I can turn to, regardless of what I do, regardless of who I become. Something that will just be there, always, like tomorrow’s sky.”

Kazuo Ishiguro, from When We Were Orphans (Alfred A. Knopf, 2000)

nytimes.com
Kazuo Ishiguro Is Awarded Nobel Prize in Literature
The British author’s best sellers include “The Remains of the Day” and “Never Let Me Go.”
By Alexandra Alter and Dan Bilefsky

In an interview with The Times two years ago, Mr. Ishiguro said that he had discovered literature as a young boy when he came upon Sherlock Holmes stories in the local library. “I was around 9 or 10, and I not only read obsessively about Holmes and Watson, I started to behave like them. I’d go to school and say things like: ‘Pray, be seated’ or ‘That is most singular.’

 What is your favorite Ishiguro novel?

Perhaps there are those who are able to go about their lives unfettered by such concerns. But for those like us, our fate is to face the world as orphans, chasing through long years the shadows of vanished parents. There is nothing for it but to try and see through our missions to the end, as best we can, for until we do so, we will be permitted no calm.
—  Kazuo Ishiguro, When We Were Orphans
All I know is that I’ve wasted all these years looking for something, a sort of trophy I’d get only if I really, really did enough to deserve it. But I don’t want it anymore, I want something else now, something warm and sheltering, something I can turn to, regardless of what I do, regardless of who I become. Something that will just be there, always, like tomorrow’s sky. That’s what I want now, and I think it’s what you should want too. But it will be too late soon. We’ll become too set to change. If we don’t take our chance now, another may never come for either of us.
—  Kazuo Ishiguro, When We Were Orphans

“All I know is that I’ve wasted all these years looking for something, a sort of trophy I’d get only if I really, really did enough to deserve it. But I don’t want it anymore, I want something else now, something warm and sheltering, something I can turn to, regardless of what I do, regardless of who I become. Something that will just be there, always, like tomorrow’s sky. That’s what I want now, and I think it’s what you should want too. But it will be too late soon. We’ll become too set to change. If we don’t take our chance now, another may never come for either of us.” 

Kazuo Ishiguro, When We Were Orphans

The colonel nodded. “Our childhood seems so far away now. All this” - he gestured out of the vehicle - “so much suffering. One of our Japanese poets, a court lady many years ago, wrote how sad this was. She wrote of how our childhood becomes like a foreign land once we have grown.”
“Well, Colonel, it’s hardly a foreign land to me. In many ways, it’s where I’ve continued to live all my life. It’s only now I’ve started to make my journey from it.
—  Kazuo Ishiguro, When We Were Orphans
Tutto quello che so è che ho sprecato tutti questi anni in cerca di qualcosa, una sorta di trofeo che avrei ottenuto solo se davvero, era abbastanza per meritarlo. Ma non lo voglio più, voglio ora qualcos'altro, qualcosa di caldo e di riparo, di cui posso rivolgermi, a prescindere da quello che faccio, indipendentemente da chi divento.
—  Kazuo Ishiguro, When We Were Orphans
archiveofourown.org
MANEATER - Chp. 19: The Scars We Cannot See by RedFive
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
By Organization for Transformative Works

Chapter Summary: The crew trade war stories as they wait for morning to continue their hunt, and in the dark of the night, Will and Hannibal own up to various truths and wade into the muddled waters between them.

Originally posted by amnhnyc

Story Summary: Hannibal and Will are dispatched to a sleepy beach town in south Georgia where a killer shark is terrorizing the citizens. Smelling blood in the water, Hannibal sees an opportunity to draw Will further into his world, but he’ll need the right bait to catch the luckless FBI agent

Beta’ed by @wolftrapqueen27.

New to the story? Start at the beginning here.

Chapter 19: The Scars We Cannot See

Hannibal rolled onto his side and raised himself onto one elbow. “Do you feel disempowered when you are with me? Do I try and limit your potential in any way? I have only ever acted in your best interests in hopes of seeing you find whatever it is you feel you are lacking.”  His voice was sharp like the hiss of a steel wire as it was fed through a reel, and there was starlight in his eyes making him appear as if he were on the brink of tears. It made Will feel guilty about calling him a miser with his past, but it was not a point from which he could back down. Something was changing between them, and while Will didn’t know what he wanted physically from Hannibal, he recognized that he was drawn to him on an intimate, emotional level.

“Hannibal, I think we both realize there is something developing between us, but I don’t think I’ll be able to understand myself until I understand you. Talk to me. I need this.”

The command hung on the air between them like a dandelion seed on the wind. It twirled directionless, unsure whether it was rising or falling from one moment to the next. “As you wish,” Hannibal said at last and looked skyward. “I’ve spoken to you of my sister before, but what I have not told you is that I watched my sister die, Will, and die slowly. My little Mischa, she took ill and wasted away before my eyes. That is the indelible scar I carry on my heart…if you must know.”

“Christ, Hannibal, I’m so sorry.” Will knew Hannibal had lost a sister but not how she died, and all though Hannibal sounded put out about being backed into this corner, it was clear that he was still hurting. Suddenly, his interest in medicine made a lot more sense, as did his decision to leave a promising future as a surgeon. How wretched must it have been to watch patient after patient die despite all the knowledge and skills he had acquired since childhood? To have come so far and learned so much…for nothing.

“Don’t be sorry. It happened a long time ago. It was winter when we were orphaned. There was no food, and no money for medicine, even had we been able to reach it.” His tone was cold and teeming with repressed anger.

“You were a child.”

Hannibal looked down into Will’s eyes wearing a cross expression on his face. “Regardless, the duty was mine and I failed.”

Continue reading on AO3.

All I know is that I’ve wasted all these years looking for something, a sort of trophy I’d get only if I really, really did enough to deserve it. But I don’t want it anymore, I want something else now, something warm and sheltering, something I can turn to, regardless of what I do, regardless of who I become. Something that will just be there, always, like tomorrow’s sky. That’s what I want now, and I think it’s what you should want too. But it will be too late soon. We’ll become too set to change. If we don’t take our chance now, another may never come for either of us.
—  Kazuo Ishiguro, When We Were Orphans
All I know is that I’ve wasted all these years looking for something, a sort of trophy I’d get only if I really, really did enough to deserve it. But I don’t want it anymore, I want something else now, something warm and sheltering, something I can turn to, regardless of what I do, regardless of who I become. Something that will just be there, always, like tomorrow’s sky. That’s what I want now, and I think it’s what you should want too. But it will be too late soon. We’ll become too set to change. If we don’t take our chance now, another may never come for either of us.
—   Kazuo Ishiguro, When We Were Orphans
“Well, lad?” the colonel’s voice had said near me. “Think you’ll be back again one day?”
“Yes, sir. I except I’ll come back.”
“We’ll see. Once you’re settled in England, I dare say you’ll forget all this quickly enough. Shanghai’s not a bad place. But eight years is about as much as I can take of it, and I expect you’ve had about as much as you need. Much more, you’ll be turning into a Chinaman.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Look here, old fellow. You really ought to cheer up. After all, you’re going to England. You’re going home.”
It was this last remark, this notion that I was “going home”, which caused my emotions to get the better of me for - I am certain of this - the first and last time on that voyage. Even then, my tears were more of anger than sorrow. For I had deeply resented the colonel’s words. As I saw it, I was bound for a strange land where I did not know a soul, while the city steadily receding before me contained all I knew.
— 

Kazuo Ishiguro, When We Were Orphans

lydia-laowai :P :P :P