’It feels like the whole world is upon my shoulders’ sings Paul Banks in that new album who’s just made me an emotional wreck on this peaceful tuesday night. I was talking to my beautiful friend Marina, whilst chilling on Princes Garden in Edinburgh, about how the most passionate you are, the most likely you are to be deeply broken.
I feel like I’m being stepped over by a thousand feet. My eating disorders hit me back in the face with no warnings, and every night, I’m scared to death to go to bed. I may leave to the other side of the planet, burning all the bridges behind me, I’ll never escape my own self. I am not okay.
I am so self-conscious about how pretentious, self-centered or whinging I may sound sometimes. Because I am grateful, and I have always been. I have always been grateful even through the hardest times. I believe in fate and think that everything happens for a reason. I love my new adventure in the UK, I am lucky to have amazing friends at home that I love more than anything. I just happen to be broken, and apparently, nothing can change that - for the moment at least.
The other day, I was wondering whether it was possible to feel homesick when we have no home. I have absolutely nothing to cling on in my hometown. I don’t have parents to miss, I didn’t quit a job, I didn’t have any project. It’s like my hometown was waiting for me to leave anytime.
That doesn’t make much sense, and that’s not even close to what’s inside my head. But I’m hurting, and somehow I have accepted that it won’t change for now, wherever I am.
I am all the days that you choose to ignore.