when you only held me in my mind

This fifth dimension
might be teasing us,
but no matter how it does
I still see you even at dusk.

Remember when we met once—at twilight,
when the sun and moon met our glance;
in our heart, there were similar feeling that runs
only to find comfort when we held hands.

We were about to write our name on each other’s palm,
to never forget the one who cries this psalm,
until the sun decided to leave the moon at the sky turning plum,
I looked at the broken letter that made my mind calm,
while my heart was suddenly drenched with sorrow as if,
the one, turned the door—and slam.

Within me,
is a soul filled with bliss,
but every time I awoke there seems to be something that I miss–
a longing for something or someone without a trace,
and I could not find it in this place.

How I wish these words within
could travel to what I’ve been searching–
If I only know where the point starts and end;
of this mesmerizing rainbow or the droplets of the rain;
then maybe, we could somehow meet again.

Your name is still stringed within me
but I cannot seem to figure the right letters that you told me;
If you recognize me when we cross paths
and we are afraid to speak each other’s name,
let’s make our signal
how to say, “Nice to meet you”.

—  Eclipse (revised) // A Story A Day #84
'An Ode To The Best Friend'

“There’s no escaping and no denying, I must admit it’s true

I could never, ever love another as much as I love you.

You’ve helped me to see things clearly,

Softer and far more tender than ever before,

You’ve taught me, told me, inspired me, showed me.

Every day that passes, I can love you only more.

You’ve held my hand and listened as I’ve bawled and screamed and cried.

You’ve embraced me when I needed it most, and calmed the wounded beast that was hurting inside.

You were patient and kind, never once did you mind when I thought I had lost my faith in it all.

I knew you’d understand and be there for me.

Never once did you let me fall.

In you I have found my best of friends,

You are more than I could ask.

To describe the indescribable Is now my most formidable task.

I value each time we’ve shared together But as our days turn to months and years,

I see memories replacing those beautiful time that pass just like a water in the river.

Always remember to never forget, That the best is yet to come, my dear.”

         - Pushkin Channan 

A year ago, when I told you I still loved you
You told me you felt the same way
So I asked you why you had broken my heart so brutally just a few months ago
When you knew that I was so in love, and so fragile that I could fall apart any second
And you simply said, “Forget about that. People change.”
So I forgave your unspoken apology because that’s what I always do
Forgive, forget, continue loving you as if it were the end of the world
And we were happy again for some time
And you promised to make everything right
Until, a few weeks later, you had a quick change in mind
And you left me again, in tears outside of your door, where I screamed your name so many times that it began to sound foreign on my tongue.
But I still loved you
And I blindly held on to your promise
Because the idea of “us” was the only thing that convinced me to keep breathing
But four months later, when I told you I still loved you
You laughed and asked me why I was being so pathetic
And let the dial tone ring in my ear until it was the only thing I could hear.

So I guess what I learned is that promises don’t mean shit when they come out of your mouth
Because every nice thing you said was just a lie that was meant to be as painful as a bullet through the brain
And, like you said, people always fucking change.

—  In retrospect…

i was tagged by the lovely Sandra

Rules: Put your music on shuffle and list the first nine songs and your favorite lyrics from each, then tag 9 people

1. jarryd james - do you remember 
Call me when you’ve made up your mind but you won’t
Caught up in the way that you played my heart
Only love could ever hit this hard

2. tourist - i can’t keep up
Can you show me love?
Because I can’t keep up
I can’t keep up
Someone never showed me LOVE
Won’t somebody give a fuck?
Because I can’t keep up

3. arctic monkeys - i wanna be yours
Secrets I have held in my heart
Are harder to hide than I thought
Maybe I just wanna be yours
I wanna be yours, I wanna be yours

4. twinbed - trouble i’m in
You are you are, my favorite medicine
You are you are, you’re where the lights began
You are you are, just one last time again

Keep reading

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

I remember watching this with you on Valentine’s Day. We’d only been fucking for two weeks, but we just pretended it was any other night when I came over. The topic of the holiday was actively avoided. I had a 101 degree fever that kept breaking on and off, and I remember feeling so embarrassed when my profuse sweat stuck to you as you held me. It wasn’t weird when I cried while they were scavenging through the beach house in Montauk, wishing they had stayed. You kissed my hair and stayed silent.

I remember watching this with you on Valentine’s Day. I think that was when I knew this would hurt.

{florence + the machine lyric starters}
  • "I told her not to fuss and relax."
  • "I took a knife and cut out her eye."
  • "A kick in the teeth is good for some."
  • "If you could only see the beast you've made of me."
  • "I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free."
  • "Was that the wrong pill to take?"
  • "If only I could see your face..."
  • "I'm not calling you a liar!"
  • "When you kiss me, I am happy enough to die."
  • "Leave all your love and your longing behind, you can't carry it with you if you want to survive."
  • "I hoped that they would clear my mind."
  • "We are all too young to die!"
  • "I pray to god this breath will last."
  • "I was in the darkness, so darkness I became."
  • "I'm gonna drink myself to death."
  • "Seems that I have been held, in some dreaming state."
  • "No more dreaming like a girl so in love."
  • "Lord, I just don't care."
  • "I did cartwheels in your honour."
  • "It's always darkest before the dawn."
  • "I've been a fool and I've been blind.
  • "I can never leave the past behind."
  • "I am done with my graceless heart."
  • "I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't."
  • "The world’s a beast of a burden."
  • "It's the only way I can escape."
  • "I'm not giving up, I'm just giving in."
  • "All alone, even when I was a child."
  • "I've been losing sleep."
  • "You are the silence in between what I thought and what I said."
  • "No light, no light in your bright blue eyes."
  • "I don't want your money."
  • "I've come to burn your kingdom down."
  • "I'll be dead before the day is done."
  • "I would give it all if only for a moment."
  • "I don't care whether I live or die."
  • "I don't want no future."
  • "Don't touch the sleeping pills, they mess with my head."
  • "And with one kiss, you inspired a fire of devotion."
  • "What kind of man loves like this?"
  • "What are we gonna do?"
  • "If you could just forgive yourself..."
  • "Cause I'm gonna be free and I'm gonna be fine."
  • "Is it too late to come on home?"
  • "It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do to try and keep from calling you."
  • "there's a hole where your heart lies."
  • "I'm leaving."
  • "I never thought I'd be a killer."

When Kurosaki picked up Reira, 2 things came across my mind:

  1. It hurts being held by only the upper body! You gotta provide support to the centre of weight, or at least the lower half of the torso to make them (and yourself at that) comfortable.
  2. Reira’s instant calming down makes me wonder how much time he (and therefore by default Reiji, to whom Reira is practically attached to) has spent with Kurosaki.

Well, #2 probably has to do with the fact that the friend who got me into ygo ships Reiji/Shun. They remind me of a Kaito/Ryoga story i liked. No, it has nothing to do with their brother/sister complex. I wonder what it would be like if someone wrote a story on how Kurosaki takes care of (and of course grows attached to) Reira when Reiji isn’t around w

the kind of fool
who ties threads of red
across his wrists, because
there are eyes in the sky,
on the walls - ricocheting
off pavement

it’s for good fortune, you know.

pulled the earth in my fists,
like my son does. it should have been
therapeutic, the way water ripples
across a lake, but
only a man of destruction thinks so.

i’m not searching for worms
or ants, they don’t
fascinate me as they once did - i’ve
held guts in my hands,
watched the sun set from a crime scene

can’t remember when
my mind was simple and all i knew
of the world was a coo.
i’d like to.

I can hold it all together. Or so I tell myself.
But you told me long before “It’s not an issue of health
You entitled baby, you don’t have a disease
Kids these days all have it too easy.”
So I went on on my own, donned a cheerful mask
Tiptoeing on eggshells became an easy task
You held me there alone, afraid of my own mind
But to anything that offered help, you kept me blind.
“You don’t seem yourself today.” “Nah, I’m just tired.”
I learned to act like my old self, when that self had expired.
For you came to me, you parasite, invaded my brain
And took away my whole life and blamed me for the pain

Cause you’re only 14, what do you know?
You have to pay taxes, You don’t own a home
You don’t have a job, or bills to pay
And yet “life is hard” you dare to say
You don’t have a mortgage or mouths to feed
The real world won’t cater to your every need
You go through life leaning on a crutch
And yet you claim it’s all too much.

I cannot escape them, these words in my brain
But you still renounce the invisible pain
I’m dying inside, and yet you persist
Changing the way that I look at my wrist
No one who hasn’t felt this way
Could ever understand the crushing pain
But I can never reach out to anyone else
For they’ve all suffered enough themselves
I feel guilty even thinking I might be sick
But am I fine, or is that just what you want me to think?
Does everybody feel like this, and I’m just complaining?
Is my constant mental circus act a lie I’m entertaining?

Cause you’re only 15, what do you know?
You don’t know how it it feels to really be low
There’s people whose lives are so much worse
You can’t be depressed if you don’t crave a hearse
You don’t have a good reason to be unhappy
Get over yourself, you don’t deserve pity
Your life isn’t bad, and, as such,
What do you know? Nothing much

You tell me “You’re just faking it, you special snowflake”
But the civil war inside leaves me with an endless ache.
But on the outside, I can’t ever let it show
I have to look like I’m smiling, or someone will know
So I trudge along while I hold my happy head up high
But the clenching of my teeth is just a grimace in disguise
I remember being full of something, but your hateful lies
Left me an empty voice, hollow laugh, and shallow eyes
Why am I afraid of people seeing me break down?
I need someone to notice me, or else I fear I’ll drown.
But you tell me no one cares, unless I keep my face of stone.
And if they see the real me then I’ll really be alone.

Cause you’re only 16 what do you know?
Your tiny life isn’t worth living anyhow.
You’re a drain on society, there’s no one that would care
If you just disappeared into thin air.
You’re a pointless human being, a tragic waste of space
But you would rather die than learn your true place
No one would miss your face, or ever crave your touch
Why don’t you just end it if your life is too much?

Shut up!
Our conversation has been one sided
All the years I tried to hide it
But I’m sure now, you exist
and I finally can resist
I am beauty, I have worth
In every moment since my birth
I deserve to feel happy,
I deserve to be free
You’re still there inside me,
But finally I am me
I don’t believe the words I’m saying
But they’re stopping me from breaking
For I found the strength inside
The last of me that hadn’t died
I won’t succumb to all your lies
Because I deserve more

Cause I’m only 17, what do I know?
I know how to constantly put on a show
I know how to feel worthless, how to feel dead
But I just crave attention, or that’s what you said.
I know how to think I’m irreparably flawed
While trying to hold up my fragile facade
I know what it is to feel constantly judged
What do I know? Far too much

—  An open letter to my depression

Are you a creation of my mind?
Because your existence in my head
Since you walked from our door
Remains the strongest
Reality I have.

I pour tea for two
Set two plates at the table but
Your food always gets cold and
I’m growing old only with my memory of
The way you could see past
My simplicity,
The way you held me when the storms would come.

I still hear your name humming
In the heater I curl up next to
Since you walked from our door
A deception of warmth in the hollow of night
Hoping you’ll slip in my sheets and
Once more I’ll feel your heat
Embody me until light.

Under the calling of the fall of rain
I hear your heart with mine -
They still beat the same.

To the nurse that held my hand during my abortion,

You’ll probably never see this letter, and you probably wouldn’t remember me anyway. I was one of the dozens of girls in the clinic on that cold rainy January day.

It comes back to me in spurts, and usually late at night when I should be asleep but my mind won’t stop running. But I guess that’s what happens when you ask to be drugged for the procedure. You came and got me from that painfully awkward changing room and led me to the operating table. I was only seven weeks pregnant, so it hadn’t really sunk in what was happening with me and my body until someone stuck an IV needle into my arm and gave me my anesthesia.

But I’ve been told that my face always gives my emotions away and I’m sure you could tell how scared I really was. As I was laying back on that table as the doctor began, you gently held my hand and squeezed it and told me that everything was okay, that I was doing just fine.

Even though it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life. I wish I could go back in time and say thank you, I was too drugged at the time to even think about it, but you were there for me when no one else could be. And I don’t even know your name.
Thank you so, so much.

-The girl with the glasses

Monday, July 6th, 2015

Her breath on my shoulder—I awaited its comfort—her life surrounding me like perfect wool…

Did you know she taught me math—long before I started school—and challenged me to expand my mind?

Did you know I took her with me—running away to the city at eighteen—my only artifact a small ruined photo…

Yet these details sway and dart—don’t they?—like was I held when it hurt? Did I really smell those cookies after school? Could I breathe when her lungs were knocked in their shell?

Could I breathe for her now?

And maybe the universe did me a mercy
by breaking my heart in advance,
by ripping me from your hands.

I think that mentally I have recovered,
but perhaps my soul still has some strings
tied to yours,
because I only held back the tears
when you gently said goodbye
and wrapped me in your arms
for a short amount of time.

I got back to my room, and my mind
yelled at my steadfast heart,
barking orders to pull itself together
and examine reality.
You will be an ocean away from me
so there’s no point in wasting energy,
or allowing myself to bleed. 

Your eyes like coals burned me hot and fast
and now I’ve fallen into a pair of icy blues
that cool me down and leave me numb.

—  // Sometimes, my darling, I answered, the prince and princess don’t end up together. // S.K.K. // May 5, 2016 //
Letters to You: Jungkook

So “Letters to You” will be somewhat of a series where you, the reader, are sending letters to the guys of either 17 or BTS (maybe others if I want). The stories are not linked together. 

Originally posted by jengkook

Dear Jungkook,

The day you told me that you thought you deserved someone better was February 14th. How ironic that it was Valentine’s Day, the day that couples around the world professed their love. I remember the letter I held in my hand crumpling as I balled up my fist. It was a transfer letter, so we could finally go to the same college and share an apartment with a dog just like we planned in our midnight talks. I remember the way you looked at me. Pity. You dared to feel sorry knowing that I gave you the moon and the stars and you gave me a goddamn IOU.

But the worst part was when I returned to my dorm empty handed. When the only thoughts that ran through my mind was that you were right. You deserved better. In my mind, you deserved everything. You were a god that walked among humans, that everything you touched was golden and pure. In my mind, I was special because out of all the girls who loved you; you loved me back. Or so I thought. The only thing that crossed my mind was how can I be good enough for you? How does one become good enough for a god? I remember curbing my hunger, eating an apple a day. I remember running for miles and miles, legs aching and crying out for me to stop. I remember taking up art and literature, believing that I could deceive myself into being smarter than I was. I remember turning into someone I couldn’t even recognize.

But the worst part was that everywhere I went, I saw you. I saw you with her whenever I went my classes. Your head nuzzled into her neck as you whispered sweet nothings to her. I love you, darling and You’re the only one for me were the ones I heard from your lips. Do you call her darling too? Do you hold her by the waist in the refrigerator light at midnight as you promised her eternity? I know you did for me.

She was everything I was not. She was the human equivalent of Aphrodite; her beauty was undeniable. She had her parents by her side supporting her as she attended law school. She was the sun that gave you warmth when you were cold. I am nothing more than a shadow compared to her. How can one compare a law student to one with a beat-up guitar? How can one compare a girl with a loving family with one trying to keep one together? Every time I saw you giving your devotion to her, I was constantly reminded of what I could never be and what I could never have. I will never be the one to own a law firm and have a house in the suburbs. I will never be the one to go home every Christmas break to a family that welcomes me at the door. I will never be the one to have you.

I can’t believe it’s been three years now. I can’t believe that I’m standing on the stage at your wedding ready to sing. I can’t believe that you haven’t even noticed me. Yet, so much has changed since the last time I saw you. Since then, we’ve all grown up. I no longer needed you to feel loved. You no longer needed her to be your other half. As time went on, I patched up my heart and found someone else. Someone who I could rely on for support, someone who I didn’t feel the need to worship. I’ve just finished singing the song. Do you remember it? It’s the one I wrote for your birthday; the one before that day. You’re walking up to me now, do you remember who I am? “It’s been a long time hasn’t it?”

Love Y/N