when you hate yourself and you hurt yourself and you wake up every day thinking you don't deserve to

agent-85  asked:

Rani! I have a fic prompt, if you don't mind? Jemma asking Fitz: "Are you still mine?"

I never mind for youuuu! :) here’s a healthy dose of angst, haha. just what the doctor ordered? *cries about Fitzsimmons forever*

Up on AO3! Beginning below:

———-

Fitz thinks of all the evenings he longed for her, ashamed of both his lust and his love. He can still feel the ache he buried so deeply within himself it became part of his genetic makeup. He remembers lying on his bed in a cramped bunk, the quiet whir of the plane bleaching to white noise, thinking: I love you and I want you to be happy, even if it’s not with me. He remembers the traitorous prayer, washing over him each night as he faded into sleep, when he was at his most vulnerable and could no longer fight it: But please, please love me back.

He thinks of this and wonders how he could have been so naïve. He’d had so little experience of the world; he didn’t know it was possible to share a bed with someone you loved with your whole heart and still feel empty and alone. He didn’t know it was possible to receive everything you’d ever wished for, only to watch yourself slowly tear it all to shreds.

Maybe things would be different if they weren’t in some mysterious space prison. Maybe on Earth there could be therapy and indefinite leave to a cottage in Perthshire. He imagines it, sometimes, when he feels he deserves the extra punishment. Jemma would smile—like she used to, not this small brittle expression she gives him now, as if he’ll shatter at any moment.

Here they’ve all been separated. He hears murmurings from the guards occasionally, a whispered mention of “Coulson” or a sneering, contemptuous “Little Ms. Quake.” A part of him can’t wait until they’re free and Daisy makes their captors pay, but mostly he keeps his head down and hands Jemma the tools she needs.

As far as he can tell, the menial labor they do only serves to keep this ship/station/rock thing in space. Still, he can’t help the tremors that run through him at the idea that his work, however inconsequential, could be supporting something horrible and he has no idea. He had refused, at first, which landed him in solitary confinement with no food or water until Jemma had been allowed in his cell to beg.

“We’re just keeping ourselves alive,” she’d said. “I can’t find any evidence that what we’re doing in the lab is hurting anyone.”

At his silence she had grabbed his hand. “I promise, and if I’m wrong it’ll be my burden to bear.”

And when he still didn’t respond, she had forced him to look at her and she had cried. “You can’t do this to me,” she said. “You can’t kill yourself like this.”

So now his days follow a steady, unvarying rhythm he’s never before experienced: a shrill, station-wide alarm in the morning, a quick shower, toast and butter with Jemma and a ridiculous number of guards, mindless work in the lab, a thirty-minute lunch break, rotations to fix a keyboard or the wiring in a door panel, dinner with Jemma and a second group of guards, and then lights out in their room.

He has the side of the bed near the wall, and every night he curls as far away from her as he can manage. During the day, they work together seamlessly. Sometimes they even joke, and sometimes he looks at her and for half a second believes they’re back home in their lab, happy and in love, before everything fell apart.

But at night their bodies are too close and he’s never felt more alone. She cries when she thinks he’s asleep, silently, her body barely moving.

He wants to extend a hand and touch her. He wants to hold her and tell her everything will be okay. But he would be lying, and at any rate, he’s lost the right. So he listens to her cry and bites down on his knuckles, hard, to keep himself from reaching for her. Eventually, her shaking subsides into the tortured breathing of her nightmares, and he lets sleep force him under as well.

Every morning he wakes before her to find himself tangled up in her limbs, as if he’s drowning and she’s his life raft, and he hates himself for it.

anonymous asked:

Oo. So a little angsty thing with Sam. So it's not exactly a run away bride situation, but you start to panic on wedding day,thinking you're not good enough for Sam or whatever and hide. You don't run, but hide. Really well. Everyone thinks you left but youre sitting behind a bush just outside the dressingroom window. *insert painful searching and long talks and finally floof*

You could hear all the excited voices outside the dressing room door. Elena, your Maid of Honor, had peeked her head in and told you you had ten minutes.

Your heart was pounding, your palms were sweating…normal reactions, right? What wasn’t normal was you telling yourself that you didn’t deserve Samuel Drake, the love and light of your life. He was a good man, too good for you. He loved you with all his heart and you loved him so what was the problem?

The man waiting for you at the end of the aisle wanted to be there and that was hard for you to believe.

You stare at yourself in the mirror and start crying. You couldn’t do this.

The music starts to play and you should be walking down the aisle. Instead you sneak out the other door and into the garden behind the church.

What would everyone think? By now, people are probably looking for you. And Sam…oh god…how is Sam feeling right now? Hurt, embarrassed, betrayed. How could you do this to him?

You gather up your dress and sit on a bench hidden by a huge bush. “What am I doing?” you ask yourself. You can hear people calling your name now and you try to hide yourself a little more. It was pretty hard with the dress. You couldn’t face anyone right now because you wouldn’t be able to explain yourself.

“Y/N…baby, you out here?” It was Sam. His voice shook with emotion. “Let’s talk about it, okay? Come on…I’m not mad.” His voice brought tears to your eyes. How could you possibly face him?

“Please,” he says, voice cracking. “Please baby. Tell me what’s wrong.” 

No, Sam…please don’t cry.

You stand slowly, “Sammy…” 

His head whips in your direction and he rushes over, falling to his knees in front of you. “Whatever I did, I’m sorry okay? I’ll fix it. If you don’t want me anymore, I understand but I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make things right again. Just tell me what I did.” Sam’s eyes were full of tears and now your tears were flowing freely.

“Oh Sam, you did nothing wrong, it’s all me.” It was a cliche but it was true.

He grabs your hands and kiss them. “Talk to me.” He wipes his eyes.

You sit back down and Sam gets off his knees to sit next to you. “What if we get married and you realize I’m not what you want? What if I’m not good enough? What if you end up hating me?” The tears had started again. Sam looked at you in disbelief. “I don’t deserve you, Sammy. You’re too good for me.”

Sam was shaking his head now. “I love you, you know that. There will never be a day where I wake up and think that you’re not good enough for me. If anything, I’m not good enough for you.”

He grabs your hand again, thumbing the ring he gave you. “I wake up every day knowing that I am a better man because of you and I can only get better.” The emotion was in his voice again, this time a tear escaped his left eye.

“Now, if you don’t want to go back in there and marry me, I understand but just know that I will fight for you. You’re the only woman I want. If we walk in there and get married, know that I saying ‘I do’ without hesitation. When I say it, I’ll mean it. I want to spend the rest of my unpredictable life with you, if you’ll have me.”

He wipes his eyes again and stands, holding his hand out to you. You take his hand and stand, “Let’s get married.”

When you two walk back into the church, you swear you can hear a collective sigh of relief. Elena asks if everything is okay and you tell her that everything is perfect now.

Sam was waiting at the end of the aisle for you and this time you would walk to him. You would say ‘I do’ and become Mrs. Samuel Drake…and you really liked the sound of that.

(BBC) Robin Hood Season 1 Starters
  • Shh! Quiet.
  • We have won, and they should be ashamed
  • I shouldn't have said that.
  • When we get home, I'm going to eat roast beef.
  • I am going to cry. I'm going to cry like a baby.
  • In fact, I can feel a song coming on.
  • You know, it is lucky I do not readily take offense! You know, a smaller man would be offended! A smaller man would be wounded!
  • I love you. Have I ever said that?
  • I said no stopping! Why do you never ever listen?!
  • I'm not saying anything.
  • That man is a showoff. If there are no eggs left, I'm going after him.
  • How are you? I thought of you.
  • Don't worry, I can look after myself.
  • I don't care about you, I care about my father.
  • Are you really as naive as you seem?
  • You think you can pick fights with these people and get away with it? You think you can slight them in public?
  • You are a fool.
  • What is your crime?
  • It's more than we ever managed before.
  • Pardoning them? I will see them hang in the morning. You yourself said that we risk rebellion. We must have order.
  • These are not holy men. These people cannot plead the cloth. Get on with it.
  • I came last night to administer their last rites.
  • Will you tolerate this injustice? I, for one, will not!
  • Everything is a choice, everything we do! Grow up.
  • This...is a rescue!
  • You cannot go back in there. If you go back in and die, then I will die. Of grief. So you must come now, if only to save me.
  • It will be dangerous.
  • You still love him?
  • You cannot give yourself up every five minutes!
  • Is it all just a big joke to you?!
  • Is it all so serious to you?!
  • Nothing like a tragedy to bring out the do-gooders.
  • Women, how can they manage to hit that particular pitch that makes you want to pierce your eardrum with a stick?
  • I thought you were gonna slit me throat!
  • Underneath all that haughty, there's quite a bit of naughty!
  • We're going to give these a good horse whipping.
  • The thing is, I woke up and we'd both been robbed! And rather than wake you, I went off to catch the thieves myself. I chased them for days!
  • He couldn't tell the truth if his life depended on it.
  • Are you hurt?
  • Let them hang.
  • My brother's had more chances than he deserves.
  • Do you know the worst crime a man can commit?
  • Marry me. It is the only way. As Lady/Sir ___, I could protect you. What do you say?
  • You leave me no time to think. A moment ago you were going to hang me and now you want to marry me.
  • Is it so difficult to prove your loyalty?
  • So what about me? Will you...marry...me?
  • I will marry you
  • I have an apology to make
  • You seem to be short of friends
  • No! Stop! This is wrong. I can't take part in this. You will regret this. You will see sense and you will regret it.
  • They'll be so disappointed to know that underneath your fine words, you're just as violent as the next man
  • And look at you now, you're just a common outlaw. House and lands lost. Do you think I don't laugh every time I sleep in your bed?
  • Surely, you would have friends elsewhere that would take you in.
  • I thought you'd given up a long time ago. But, you still carry a torch for her, don't you?
  • Maybe in future, you'll think twice before painting your arm like a girl!
  • He can tell us all we need to know about the outlaws.
  • All right. So hang him, then. Make an example.
  • Life is a cruel mistress. Clean up your mess.
  • Some men find pleasure in giving women gifts.
  • I hate the cave.
  • It's dark and it's, you know, horrible.
  • My father treated the wounded on the battlefield. He said never lie to a wounded man.
  • You are not going to die and I have never lied to you.
  • This is not the time to argue.
  • Do not tell me when it is time to argue!
  • I say you are a fool when I mean you are a hero.
  • I love you, you love me, we all love each other. Drink the wine.
  • What do girls eat, anyway?
  • Bored now. Kill them!
  • I think we're gonna die.
  • Why didn't you tell me?
  • Your father will be safe; I have made provisions for him. You see, as my father-in-law he is protected. As my father-in-law.
  • You are cruel!
  • I have moral grounds! This man is a liar and a traitor and her heart belongs to another! Let her tell you that.
  • I am sorry but you are wrong. I know you mean well, but my heart lies here.
  • Get him out of here!
  • Do you take this man and this horse as your route out of here?

anonymous asked:

Do you think girls are weaker that boys? 'cause that's what many people think... They say that we are equals but men are stronger. And I can't stand it. I mean Aida is strong, and she isn't weaker than Jace, or Diego, or Faelern right? I don't want to believe that we were all made weak!

:o Strong as in physical strength?

I’m not a very sciency person, but apparently testosterone is the main reason of men’s quick muscle growth.

But it’s not that of a huge difference, so if you want physical strength, you’ll just need to train.

I’ve seen men that are stronger than other women, but I’ve also seen women that are stronger than other men. It all depends on your training.

Vitamins are pretty important too. I lack vit D and I’m super weak.

Actually in the middle of looking for a gym too. I need more muscles. ;_;

BUT

in my very personal opinion, physical strength is just one form of strength, and there are many.

Life is hard, it’s a bit tough. It’s definitely not easy. Not for anyone.

There are times in life that things just seem to go for the worst. It’s hard to even breathe and walk and function as a human being. Sometimes it pushes you right to the edge and you wonder whether or not you can get through it. And when you are on your knees, angry, sad, and so done with life, something happens. You decide to get up and you decide to keep going. You brush the dust off your knees, and you wipe off your tears. You know that you’ll keep fighting, it doesn’t matter whether things will get better or not, you never know, but you know that you’ll keep fighting. And every day you wake up, is a reminder that you’ve made it. You nailed another day in this fucked up life.

That’s strength.

And sometimes people hurt you. Intentionally, unintentionally. It doesn’t matter. It’s up to you whether to forgive them or not. Some people deserve forgiveness, others don’t, only you can decide that. But sometimes they hurt you a bit too much. Just by being the way they are, or doing the things they do. It happens. And it’ll make you think that people are disgusting. That they don’t worth a thing. Honestly, they don’t. People are repulsive. But something happens, and despite all that pain, and all those scars that they have given you, you’ll realise that you still love. You’ll find people that will share the good, the bad and the ugly. They won’t be perfect, but you’ll love them. Because love is seldom about other people. The feeling belongs to you.

That’s strength.

Then, there comes a time where you question yourself. You see your weaknesses for the first time in your life and it makes you hate yourself. People will tell you to accept your failures and live with it, but they won’t understand your reasons, your fears and your pain. And you’ll find yourself in a circle of self-hatred, hating yourself even more for not being able to help yourself. But something will happen, maybe you will make a huge mistake, maybe you’ll end up embarrassing yourself in a way that you could only imagine in your nightmares, and you will laugh at it. You’ll look at your weaknesses, your failures, your faults and you will laugh at them. You’ll look at your crying face, and you’ll make fun of yourself.

And that’s strength.

Finding the courage to do something, being aware of it’s dangers is strength.

Accepting loss and overcoming it is strength.

Being able to cry and shout it out is strength.

Telling the truth, no matter the consequences is strength.

Facing the truth, no matter the pain is strength.

Keeping your pure heart away from petty calculations,

leaving it vulnerable in the face of heartbreak,

just to be able to really feel is strength.

Living in this crazy life is strength.

And it has nothing to do with gender.

You are strong. You were made that way. No amount of empty words can change that.

p.s: Don’t take dangerous bodybuilding supplements for training!!!

<3