I finally get my long train trip home but I don’t find my mind wandering as it usually does. For the last few days I have been sitting in front of a blank word document typing and deleting, typing and deleting until I forgot what it was that I wanted to get across.
My failure to put these feelings into words or rather my lack of feelings is steadily taking over my thought processes until all I want to do is sit down and write it all out: the fact that I am not missing a friendship that I once held so dear, and the fact that my home is no longer where my heart is, to write out the fact that every day I see myself changing to suit my surroundings and it scares me. Perhaps my failure to articulate these feelings is due to my lack of understanding and insight on these subjects, perhaps they surprise and shock me as much as they do anybody else.
Perhaps this is just a phase. Perhaps I can’t bring myself to worry about these things because despite it all I know God is on my side and he is carrying all these cares for me.
Perhaps this is something all the little birdies go through when they finally leave the nest. Perhaps my disinterest in this subject is causing my words to come out jumbled.
Perhaps this post came out exactly the way I intended all those other posts to be, depicting my whirlwind of emotions or perhaps my life just isn’t supposed to be made sense of.
But sometimes I like writing things out so that I can understand them better, so that in the future I can look back and realise that there was a reason I am right where I am in life, that this is where I stand and why.
I did this for me and I realised that if I want to post nonsensical jumble like the fluff above then I can. I lost the purpose of this a long time ago but I am pretty sure I just found it; this is about me not you or the fact that you don’t like the way in which I put my feelings into words. You have the option of reading this but I don’t have the option of feeling it.