when my life was normal

Me: I’m feeling good today!

Brain: do you realise that you are probably gonna be alive when your favourite author/actor will die

Me: what

Brain: yeah, and also chances are you are also going to watch your OTP die.

Me: what NO

Brain: or maybe half of your OTP

Me: STOP

Brain: or they could be forced to kill each other

Me: WHY MUST YOU HURT ME IN THIS WAY

Brain: Just imagine the possibilities!

Me: *uncontrollable sobbing*

10

My top 10 favorite Skater Family images in no particular order

because the official illustrations spoil us so much :’)

10

THE TRUE ROCK (TEAM MOM) OF RYOIN

I feel like this team would collapse in itself if they didn’t have their tsukkomi team-mom  Captain Tsukinaka to keep them in line….

…either that or they purposely torture him to keep from being bored.

(  ̄▽ ̄ ;)

My ClexaCon 2017 Experience

(Before you read: I got pretty personal in this post. I could have beaten around the issue, but I have had a lot of people in the past message me that my story is a lot like theirs and if my honesty can help others that are struggling, it will be worth it.)

First off, I would like to extend my thanks and gratitude towards the people that made the convention happen. My experience is just one of hundreds of LGBTQ+ individuals that attended this convention, that is changed their life of for the better. As we all know there is a TON of stuff that has to happen bts, that we don’t know the full extent of, to make conventions happen. Like, I don’t even want to think about all the work it takes. I just want all of the people that had a part in making this convention happen, whether you were a staff member, panelist, guest, volunteer, etc. that your time, effort, and possibly sacrificing parts of your own con experience to make sure people like myself were able to enjoy it is so greatly appreciated. 

As someone who has been known in the fandom to analyzed things and can ramble on and on for days, it might be a surprise to you that I am left at a loss for words to write about the convention. I can’t find the words to encapsulate what it meant to me and the feelings I was experiencing –not to mention the complexity of those feelings. I have tried to write this so many times, but then draw a complete blank on how to describe it. 

If I had to describe what Clexacon was to me in one word it would be a sanctuary. It was a place where I felt safe and content. I felt hope and peacefulness spreading throughout my body each day I was there. The more I hung out with people, went to panels, or just observed everyone around me walking around the convention, the more and more I felt the weight of all the years of self-hate, repression, etc. lift from my body and a sense of clarity wash over me. I was legit feeling like Alex Danvers as each wave of repressed memory came to the surface and critically looking at my life. Going to the panels was also a big part of that process. I began to look more in-depth at the underlying reason of the severe self-hatred I felt for so many years, years of struggling with anxiety and depression, the eating disorders that almost cost me my life, the purposeful secluding myself from others, and the loneliness I felt even though I was in a room full of people came to the surface. I was trying to process all of these emotions at once and it was very scary. But, it was like a peaceful liberating panic? If that makes sense? It was finally confessing to myself everything that I knew for years, like completely confessing to myself…but then panicking about it. Because, it’s me and I’m a chronic overthinker. Lol. Each day I would get more and more courage to be myself, to push past all the years of internalized homophobia that made me feel worthless and ‘wrong’. 

Being surrounded by openly gay people that were authentically happy and full of pride for being part of the LGBTQ+ community was palpable in the air and you couldn’t help but feed off the energy. As someone who unfortunately doesn’t have this is my everyday life, I was trying to soak all of it in and store it in my memories to access it when I went back to my world of homophobic close-minded remarks. Clexacon was a place where I could be my true authentic self, or at least try to be. My authentic self with it came out to nerding about fictional characters, stories, etc. that I can’t talk to people about in my normal life. Also, my authentic self when it came to being part of this community.  

Now, onto the convention itself. I was fortunate enough to make it to the Badge Pick Up party due to my flight getting in an hour early, and the wonderful appalachiansprung  for picking me up from the Las Vegas airport. I want to take a moment and sincerely thank her for offering to pick me up from the airport and making sure I felt safe. She knew I had massive anxiety about traveling and her compassion and willingness to help me really meant the world to me. She really helped start off my trip to Vegas on a positive note, and without her, I wouldn’t have made it to the Badge Pick Up party, which I actually really enjoyed. I was able to meet my friends I had been talking to online, been mutuals of, knew of, and meet new people. It was just so surreal actually being face-to-face with these people. These people that you are friends with, but society telling you they “aren’t friends” because you don’t physically hang out with each other and it is only online.  But these people actually know you better than people in your “everyday life”. For instance, the first person I met was my friend PJ. The weird thing was is that I was in the process of messaging her that I was at the party, and just as I was about to send it, I look to my right and she was standing there next to me, not aware that it was me next to her. I stopped typing and then said “hi” and it was the first of many “omg! You ARE real” feelings I had meeting people throughout the convention. I really REALLY enjoyed talking with the people who came up to me and said they were followers of my blog. Seriously, knowing that there are actual people behind URLS and seeing your faces and hearing your voices was incredible. When I asked the people I met to show me what their URL and icon was, I was able to recognize most of you and your support and kind words meant more to me than I can say.

The convention itself was better than I had expected. It was actually my first ever convention so I don’t really have anything to compare it too, but it was just so wonderful. The turnout was wayyyyy better than I expected. Seeing everyone in the main hall during the larger panels was just incredible, as well as seeing the floods of people roaming around the convention floor. We all know there were people trying to cast doubt on this convention and basically said it was “toxic” and were basically trying to get it canceled. Well, I’m so glad that this past weekend proved them SO SO wrong. It was so cool going up and down the vendor rows and seeing the spectacular artwork. I did only get one piece of artwork from the convention and it was Pappurrcat’s newest Lexa vs. Pauna drawing and she signed it for me (picture at bottom of post). I was not expecting to see @immochiball there! It was such a pleasant surprise to see her there! I really love her Lexacoon/Lionclarke artwork and it was great to show my appreciation for all her hardwork and it was funny that she knew exactly what piece of Lexacoon/LionClarke artwork I was fangirling about. It was so great to meet other talented people in our fandom I’m a fan or and friends of, or became friends of. People like @critter-of-habit , @foomatic , @commanderlexaofthegrounders , @decalexas , @lingeringlilies@shes-special , @rin-says , @damnlexa, @molliemashstash , @oh-i-got-dibs , and i’m forgetting so many people so I’m sorry if i forgot you! I met sooooo many new people that I just clicked with and they made the convention an even better experience. Many of them in this photo below (but many are missing):

I will never forget the people I was fortunate enough to meet, talk to, and/or hang out with. I loved walking around Vegas with people and exploring places. So, by the end of this convention I have come to realize so many things. Realize so many things about LGBTQ+ issues, the dire need for representation, and about myself. I realized that I’m not alone. Leaving Clexacon was so hard. I already posted that I had a breakdown on the last day after I headed back to my hotel room and had to say goodbye to the people i met. The people I wanted to spend more time, as they were helping me more and more each day with feelings that I do deserve happiness, that I’m not alone, that there is nothing wrong with me, that I have value. This weekend was life changing for me. Even though this post is now close to 1,500 words…I still have not been able to fully express the importance this convention had on me in this post. I’m just so grateful for the experience and the wonderful people I was so fortunate to meet and now call friends. 

I do have a few regrets…and one of them is not taking enough pictures. I was kinda mentally preoccupied (if you couldn’t tell reading this post. lol) and forgot. 

4

Favorite Cesare / Lucrezia scenes (2/?)

L: Tell me of poison, brother.
C: It kills.

anonymous asked:

You said in a comment on your book that Cinderella Boy was based on your story. Can you tell me what you mean? Like did that stuff happen to you or did you mean a romantic story?

*cue the music from Princess Bride*

Alright kids, settle in…Let Anti-Kris (what my niece calls me) tell you a story…It’s a story of love, of adventure, of personal discovery…It might be long, but I hope it will be worth it.

I’ve known for much of my life that I was not “normal”. When I was a little girl, I hated when people called me a girl, and little boys on the playground often like to say “You are a girl”, to exclude or to discuss, either way. Any time someone said it to me, I felt a kind of rage. When I was five, I told my my mother I never wanted to wear a dress again, and when she tried to put me in one for picture day, I threw such a tantrum that she had to buy me off with ice cream. She never made me wear a dress again.

I had my first crush in first grade, and it was on a girl named Tara. I thought Tara was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. She had these turquoise eyes and this soft curly hair in a bob. She had freckles. Freckles for fuck’s sake. And she was tiny and sweet and she smiled at me in an amazing way, and held my hand when we went on Girl Scout trips. In our innocence we did not know what it was, just that it felt wonderful and huge and completely incomprehensible. She told me “I wish you were a boy, so I could kiss you.” And all I remember thinking is, “Why does that matter?” I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach, because if she needed me to be a boy, it meant I’d never get to kiss her.

A few weeks later she left the troop and told me her mother didn’t want us to be friends anymore. Several years later, in sixth grade, I was on a volleyball team, and we traveled to a game nearby. I saw Tara with some of her friends and nearly died. I smiled and waved to her. She gave me a dirty look and walked away. I never knew why. I have my ideas. They all feature social conditioning by her mother…

I was picked on a lot as a kid. I read a lot of books, really mature books. I read “Johnathan Livingston Seagull” when I was four. Crack it open some time. See what that shit is about. I read “Interview with the Vampire” at six. Didn’t really like it, because I found the Christian ideology forced and unnecessary to the narrative. Read all the Sherlock Holmes books by 8. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, I felt caged, because whenever I’d try to tell the kids around me that it was fine to be gay, or straight, or whatever I was, any time I made a case for those who were different based on my reading, they would make fun of me for my evidence. Books and knowledge were evil, and I was evil for knowing things they didn’t. For having reached conclusions that did not make sense to them, for identifying as something I couldn’t quite name, I was tormented. If I tried to be masculine, I was beaten up by boys. When I tried to be feminine I was teased to the point of tears by the girls. One of my neighbors, who was popular, came to my house one day with her sister and asked me if I wanted to go on a bike ride. I said yes, because…friends! They helped me cross a plank bridge over a canal. Then they left me there, with my training wheels stuck in the dirt. I had to throw my bike into the canal, wade into it, drag the bike across, and up the soft landslide on the other side. When I came home, I was covered in mud and disgusting muck from the top of my head to the bottom of my bare feet (my shoes stuck in the canal and I couldn’t pull the bike up the other side, So I took them off, thinking any moment, I could die.) and my mother flew into a rage. She walked to the neighbor’s house and confronted the parents. Demanded to know why they had done such a mean and dangerous thing. I never found out the answer. When my mother came back she said she didn’t want to repeat the filth they had said. I intimated it had something to do with me as a person, and so knew that there must be something very wrong with me.

I didn’t talk about myself with anyone after that.

When I was ten, we were involved in a major traffic accident. A drunk woman in a Volkswagen was exiting a parking lot, turning left, while fastening her seat belt. She misjudged her turn, jumped the center divider, and slammed into us head on. My sister wasn’t wearing a seat belt. She flew into the dash. The entire front end of our van was flattened, and the slug bug was like one of those cars you see in semi pileups. As our car rolled past, I looked out the window and saw the entire front of it had been ripped away. The driver was on the opposite side of her car, covered from head to toe in blood. I don’t remember much except screaming “She’s dead! We killed her!” My sister was so badly hurt that my mother had to accompany her in the ambulance. I couldn’t fit. My mother left me in the garden department at Walmart, our car smoking in front of the door. The staff took me inside, sat me at one of the patio furniture displays, gave me some gum. A man came up to me and saw I was shaking. He took off his flannel shirt (this was during the beginning of “Grunge”) and gave it to me to wear. I just remember thinking, “This shirt is soft. I’m very cold. I like this man.” And he sat with me until my mother’s boyfriend could escape work and come pick me up.

That flannel became like a good luck charm for me.

The insurance settlement was for $12,000. It was enough to put a down payment on a house in the city, rather than our farm out in the country. When I found out we were moving from that shitty place, with all its shitty religious white asshole fuckwads, I was so happy, I thought I would die. I told my mother I didn’t want to be “that kid” anymore. I was going to be the kid I wanted to be. I don’t think she knew what I meant, but i told her. I bought baggy jeans, workman’s boots, more flannel shirts. I bought long sleeves and a sports bra and felt amazing. I went to the new school, which had an honors program, unlike my old school, and I told myself I was going to stand my ground and declare myself. I wasn’t sure what I would declare, but god damnit, I was me, and I wasn’t going to be anything but me.

Luckily, what I was, fit nicely into the new group. On the very first day, I made friends. People asked me questions. I told them about my life up to that point, about being picked on, about being mocked, but nothing about how I felt about me. After I finished talking, the two boys I was sitting with said, “You need to meet Ben. You’d like Ben. He’s not here today.”

“Is he sick?”

“No, he skips days to go to college.”

“Yeah, he’s like a genius or something.”

And I thought………. “I have good luck with intelligent people. The smarter they are, the easier they accept me. Maybe I do need to know this kid.”

He appeared two days later. I met him in art class, because it turned out I was at his table. When I met him, it was like the first time I had ever found a boy attractive. Not in the “Ohhhhh damn he’s hawt” way that other people seem to feel, but in the “Wow, he is really smart, and his personality is kicking, and omg he has something behind his eyes that I love.” It was the first time I met someone I felt like I could talk to, not because he was a genius or anything, but because he was smart enough in the right ways.

We dated for a week after knowing each other for a few months, but he dumped me because he “didn’t like my friends” which to me was really weird, because we had all the same friends. But I’ll get back to that.

He vanished a few weeks after dumping me and never came back. One of our friends said he’d gone to college full time. I was really disappointed. Felt like I had been abandoned or missed out on something amazing. But oh well, that’s life.

I was reasonably popular in Junior High, and High school was even better. I had the AP classes and the NJROTC and I was in a bunch of clubs. I had a group of friends and a niche and things to do that allowed me to sort of be in the middle in a way that worked, even if I didn’t tell everyone what I was. But it wasn’t all fun and games.

My mom was married to a conservative minister who is an amazing guy, but at the time was not so down with “alternative lifestyles”, so I was still hostage in my own house. I wasn’t on speaking terms with my biological dad, and had lots of tough feelings with regards to that. And in freshman year, just as I got the lay of the land and found my place…I got sick and lost my eyesight. I’m not going to talk about that here, because I have in a previous post, but it is important to mention, and you’ll see why soon.

When I was 16, I went to a Renaissance fair in my town; it’s kind of a big deal there. I remember wondering if I’d see Ben. I was looking for him, because he was so much a fan of it. I had had a few boyfriends and secret girlfriends since he and I met, but I just didn’t really click with them. I was dating a really amazing boy named Billy, who was really smart, but I still didn’t feel myself with him. Not completely. And we’d been together in a comfortable way for almost two years. Then there was Ben, standing in front of me.

He said, “Hi Kris!”

And I said…”Ben?” Because remember…I’m blind and can’t really see him anymore. Plus he was taller. We talked for a bit. I was kind of stunned I’d actually bumped into him.

Two days later, I got a phone call. It was Ben.

“How did you get my phone number?”

“I never forgot it.”

We talked and talked. I told him about my eyes and how sick I had been. I told him about the problems I was having at home - not about how caged I felt, because I had never told Ben about my sexuality or identity. I still didn’t even have words for that and was deeply ashamed of it. Instead, I framed it all as religious oppression of my personality or my atheism or whatever. I broke up with my boyfriend and we started dating. I’m not gonna lie, it was not great. Ben was a genius, he was dynamic and charismatic, and forceful and arrogant, and a complete jerk when he wanted to be. He wasn’t very grounded, and there was something weird about the way we interacted; I couldn’t quite explain it, but it seemed like he constantly misunderstood me. I’d make an offhand comment about something and suddenly, he’d go silent. I felt like maybe he was seeing my secret. I got defensive. We started bickering, and we broke up.

Then he dated my best friend.

So…I was kind of annoyed. But really, I still thought it had a lot to do with me. I knew I hadn’t been completely honest with him. I hadn’t told him about how I felt inside because I was sure it was bad, or weird. I was pretty sure that if he knew I didn’t feel like I was a girl, he’d mock me or something and I couldn’t handle it. I just couldn’t take that from someone I thought of as kind of a kindred spirit. I knew he wouldn’t love me. How could he? I didn’t love me very much.

I didn’t date anyone else for the rest of high school. I told myself that when I could get out of my house (a not so great environment) I would again become the person I wanted to be and stand my ground, and it would only get better.

I feel like I need to talk a little bit about my home life. I want to make it clear that I get along fine with all my parents now, as they’ve learned and evolved because of the honesty we’ve embraced with each other, but it’s important. My biological dad was a cop and he was also very abusive in a specific way. I was terrified of him. He was the one always saying things about how “Ladies don’t climb trees” but at the same time, he’d always wanted a son, and so I was taught to shoot and climb. It was very contradictory and it scared me. He was also angry all the time and believed in physical punishment. My step dad was a very serious minister. At the time he had some very constrained beliefs about sexuality. Very negative prejudices that he wasn’t shy about vocalizing. He was kind to gay people, but there was definite disgust there and the certainty that gayness was a sin and could be corrected. When I was getting ready to fill out college applications, we were talking about it, and he said “You’re going to go to college and come home with a hole in your face.” He meant a nose piercing, because I’d always wanted one and he forbid it. I said “Oh yeah, dad, I’m gonna dye my hair blue and become a lesbian.” It was ironic, because actually those were my first plans - to dye my hair blue and join the Queer Student Union. He stopped in his tracks and looked me in the face. I will never forget his voice when he said, “If you did that, I’d be very disappointed in you.”

How could I tell him that I’d already had girlfriends? How could I be honest with him or trust him after that?

One night we got a phone call close to 9pm, which was our hard line for phone calls from friends. It was a boy I knew. He wanted to talk to me and said it was an emergency. He was crying. I took the phone into my room. He told me he wanted to kill himself. He didn’t know what he was going to do. His mother was a devout catholic and he knew she would hate him forever. I asked why. I mean why would your own mother hate you? But I could imagine…because well…if my mom knew about me, she’d probably hate me. He changed the subject. Said he wanted to ask me questions. He gave me like, this survey. What would you do if a friend of yours was a, or b or c…or gay? I told him I didn’t care. He told me he was gay.

He wanted to kill himself because he was gay and he thought his mother would hate him. The person who made him. The person who brought him into this world, just as he is. He wanted to die, because she wouldn’t love him.

I was like…..wow. I didn’t know what else to do. I had to let him know that he wasn’t alone. I broke my code. I told him some of my secrets, about some of the girls I knew, how I didn’t feel quite right. I told him anything I could think of so that I wouldn’t be hanging up on his life. My mom stuck her head in and told me to get off the phone. I told her it was an emergency. She asked what could possibly be so important. I told her my friend (I didn’t give his name) was telling me he wanted to kill himself because he is gay. I thought it would shut her up. She stared at me.

“Tell him you’re very sorry, but you don’t condone his lifestyle and hang up.”

No. No I will not hang up. No I will not. NO.

No I will not let you tell me that you hate me because of what I am.

There wasn’t anywhere for people like us to go. Our high school gay club had very strict instructions. We weren’t allowed many of the other privileges. We couldn’t have trips. We couldn’t have school resources because we were on the same level as the “Pray around the flag pole” people. And yes…our administration banned gay couples from junior prom. Namely my friend who was a lesbian. Senior prom they were told they weren’t allowed to dance together or take pictures together. It was a tiny kerfuffle, because no one gave a shit. The only kids who cared were people like me, and in those days, it wasn’t the talking point it is now. There wasn’t as much awareness. Queer was still a slur.

There was a boy who was out, a couple years older than me. His name was David. He was a Junior when I was a freshman. He was treated so badly…people calling him names, people spreading all sorts of rumors about him - that he was a gay prostitute, that he was on drugs, that he had AIDS. It was horrifying. I hated it. I hated hiding and feeling unsafe. I really couldn’t take it.

One day, in a home ec class, of all places, I was being sort of sexually harassed by an older kid, someone who was popular and a jock. I told him I was not interested, and I would rather date a woman. He was so surprised that he looked like he was going to vomit. And from there on out I was harassed in a different way - asked all kinds of questions about what I liked about girls, what I would do with them, if I minded being called a “Taco muncher”.

Yeah, I fucking minded, but how could I tell him that? If being a “taco muncher” made me a good anomaly rather than a bad one…if it made me amusing instead of the subject of disgusting slander like the bullshit David endured…I didn’t have a choice. I had to take it.

But I couldn’t take it. One day I nearly knifed this kid. I just exploded at him. I told him that if he made one more fucking comment about my sexuality, I was going to cut off his pecker. I told him I wasn’t a joke. Who I am is not a clown that exists for his amusement. I am not a fucking taco muncher. I like girls, I like guys, I like whatever the fuck I like. I’m not a girl, I’m not a boy. I’m me.

I think I really made an impression. He apologized and never made fun of me or asked me another question.

Anyway, I went to college. I got a hole in my face. I dyed my hair blue. I dated a girl. I joined the Queer Student Union. I did gay things. I went to gay parties. I dressed in black. I listened to loud music. I rebelled in all the best ways, taking care of myself and being responsible, because rebellion wasn’t about doing everything the opposite of the way my parents raised me…it was about being myself for the first time.

Ben and I had another go of it my sophomore year. It was even weirder than the first time, because I felt so awkward trying to be the person I was at college around this kid who’d known my since i was 11. I didn’t know how to talk to him. He told me that whole breaking up with my in Junior High because he “didn’t like my friends” thing was bullshit. He told me that all the times we’d had awkward moments as kids were because he was just trying really hard to figure me out and that he didn’t feel like his upbringing had prepared him to meet me or understand me. He told me he left junior high because of me. That somehow I’d made it clear to him that he needed to stop wasting his time, and just go for it.

That was flattering, but what “it” was, didn’t quite make sense to me.

It didn’t work. I was still too scared. He seemed to like me with an intensity I could not quite deal with because..what if he found out? What if while we were making out I told him I didn’t want to be submissive? What if i told him I like girls? What then?

I went abroad. Living in England, I made a friend named Jaime. She was so fucking cool, like a queer ally of the most laid back sort. On Valentines day, Jaime, my friend Nick, and I were the only ones without dates. We got hella drunk and sat in my dorm room talking about shit. I was so messed up I finally just let fly. I told both of them all the things I’d been wanting to tell someone, that I’d come to think about myself. I talked about all the new things I was hearing people say, like “transgender” “gender fluid”, all that stuff. And then I brought up Ben.

“I never told him. It was the best and most honest relationship I’ve ever had, with the coolest person and like the most potential, and I never fucking told him about this shit. I just let it fail.”

Jaime was sitting on my floor and staring up at me. “Why the fuck?”

“I was too scared! Like what if he hated me? What if he said it was gross?”

“Do you think it’s gross?”

“No. I think it’s me.”

“You said he likes you. So why wouldn’t he like that too?”

“I don’t know Jaime! We grew up in a shitty town and he was a weird kid and I felt like nothing between us made any fucking sense.”

“But you like him?”

“I like……what he promised to be.”

“Don’t you want to know what that ended up being?”

Nick was a quiet kid, a total cis/hetero male, but in the best possible way: kind, friendly, gentle, and just a fun dude to hang with. Never made me or Jaime uncomfortable.

He made a face. “Can I just say…I’ve been listening to all this, and I don’t get anything of what you feel, but that’s fine. You’re you. And I think whatever makes you you is awesome, even if I can’t even imagine ever feeling that way. Like I love girls. I get why other people like girls. They’re fucking fit. So whatever. And if you’re not a girl, or a boy, or whatever…that’s really complicated, and seems like it would be really hard for you, but I’m your friend, and I’d want you to be safe and stuff. What I mean is, if he likes you and you’re his friend, he would feel the same. I mean, maybe he doesn’t love you for it, but that’s fine. If you don’t fit you don’t fit.”

Jamie nodded. “But you can’t judge him till you give him a chance. If you like him enough to try being with him again, then you need to tell him and see what kind of person he is.”

They worked on me for hours. Finally, I made a decision. I wrote a blog post…yeah, blogs existed back then, for about three years, anyway. I wrote out an entire confession of who I am in my gender identity (we didn’t have those words then) and my sexuality. I posted it and I sent a link for it to Ben.

He called me the next day.

I asked him if he read the post and if that was why he was calling. He said yes. He told me to go to the book store, and to buy a book called Imajica, by Clive Barker. He told me to read it and to look for Gentle and Pie’oh’pah. So I did. And I read the book. And I called him back.

Pie’oh’pah is a genderless being, an alien. I can’t really talk about them at all, because it spoils the plot, but Gentle is a main character, a man’s man sort, who ends up becoming completely entwined with Pie’oh’pah. Their romance is the core of the book.

Ben told me that if I was Pie’oh’pah, then he didn’t care. If I wanted to become a man, or stay a female, or whatever, he didn’t care. We wracked up hundreds in phone bills because the free calling stuff didn’t really exist back then. But the main takeaway was this comment:

“If we got married…and you became a man…We could have the marriage license embedded in a ceramic sword…and cut off the heads of the conservative assholes who get in our way.”

Yeah…I like this guy. And it’s a double win, because we happen to be genetically compatible in the creation of children. He’s got the boy bits. I have the girl bits. We made a baby. She’s fucking rad.

But there’s more. When this conversation happened, I was a Junior in college. Ben was already into his doctorate. In genetics. Because he wanted to fix my eyes. And hey…that’s how it had to be done. So he changed his focus. Without telling me. Without me even knowing.

See, he was as scared of me as I was of him. He was just terrified of me, because I was to him, what he was to me - that one person who gets it, and who might see the truth and that is fucking scary - so he ran away. 

It hasn’t all been perfect. We’re both very big people and we both have ambition. We still bicker, but we do it differently. We know each other. All those things we have been through, we know. He doesn’t confine me. He let’s me dress how I want. He thinks I’m sexy when I feel sexy. I think his brain is hot.

What is the point of all of this?

Love is not one thing in one form, like a heart-shaped cookie. It is a super faceted and amazing thing, and it changes depending upon the light that hits it, or how it’s framed. Love is having someone who knows you completely and is totally down with that. They don’t confine you. They want you to be the best you. They want you to succeed however you feel is a healthy success. They’re not competing with you. They’re pushing you to keep moving. Sex is just a thing that happens if you want it to, but it has to make you feel comfortable and strong. Romance is that amazing feeling when you know that person with you wants you to be there, wants to know what you’re thinking, always, and cares about what you care about, because you care about it. There are so many things my husband loves that I don’t really seek out on my own, but I enjoy them through him, and I’m better for it.

Find that.

Sometimes you get lucky, but luck is just a door opening. You have to have the self-awareness, the fortitude, and the ownership to walk through that door. If that door opens…walk through. And if you part ways, part ways. It isn’t a waste of your time. It teaches you who you are. It helps you find something slightly better for you, the next time around. And if you meet someone special, who sticks in your craw and won’t be budged, don’t let that go. Figure it out. Solve the puzzle. The puzzle of you, the puzzle of them. The puzzle of the two of you as a unit.

On the surface, Ben and I look like your typical young cis couple. I’m a girl, he’s a boy. We have a daughter. I mean, I have weird hair as a general rule, but meh…But Ben loves fashion and perfume. He loves shoes and art. He has discerning taste. He listens to the poppiest pop music you have ever heard. He does all the cooking. Me? I have power tools and big boots and I wear a leather jacket. I cuss, I shit-talk. I drink beer and whiskey and he drinks white wine (and yes it makes me fucking angry when my waiter brings me the wine and him the beer). I teach my daughter how to climb trees. He buys her pretty dresses. He reads every word I write and cries like a baby. I edit all his grants and tell him to speak up for himself. He knows what my eyes are doing instinctively and doesn’t need to be asked to read me a menu. I know about the things that enrage him and hold his hand when he’s furious.

You can have that. You can find that. No matter who you are or what form that takes. It will hurt. Everything hurts. If it hurts, it means you care about it, and if you care about it, it’s worth doing. Be strong. Stand your ground. Be you. The person who will love you will love you, not that thing you pretend to be.

That is what Cinderella Boy was meant to be. Me celebrating that. And yes, Carter is Ben, or who Ben would have been if he’d gone to High School. He’s a Kirk. I’m a Picard. Well… I’m like a Picard-Sisco hybrid.

It’s never simple.

That moment when you promise yourself that...

you wont ship a Stork and a human and have another inter species ship in your list.  

But then you realise

the 

ENTIRE

FLUCKING

MOVIE

SHIPS    IT    HARD !!

R E A L L Y      H A R D      !!!

I swear to God! I wasn’t planning on shipping this even though I have been a huge sucker for inter species ships bUT SERIOUSLY….THE ENTIRE MOVIE…..JUST WANTED TO MAKE YOU SHIP THEM NO MATTER WHAT. IT WAS JUST WEIRDLY BEAUTIFUL!!

BONUS! (Junior confessing-….ish scene)

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No Regrets

AO3 link here!

Requested by @bandanabrunette​ : Could you do a Reader x Sam where the reader was at Stanford studying medicine but he only comes to know this after something happens on a hunt where she has to use her knowledge to save the day.

Summary: Dean gets shot on the hunt and Reader recognizes what’s going on with him. But will they make it to the hospital or will the reader have to act on their own?

Word Count: 1635

Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, 

Pairing: Sam Winchester x Reader 

Warnings/Tags: Reader’s gender ISN’T specified, mentions of blood, hurt!Dean (gunshot wound), medical language (but everything’s explained), some angst, fluff, hospitals

Beta: @faegal04 (you’re the best, Amy <3)

A/N: It’s crazy, but it’s the first full Sam x Reader fic I’ve ever written, previously there were only drabbles ;) (And Sammy needs more love, so I’m happy I got that request!) Hope you’re gonna like it, guys!

If you want to be tagged/untagged in everything or only some stuff, simply let me know or add yourself to this tag sheet! (Tags at the bottom of the post, those that are crossed out mean that Tumblr didn’t let me tag you.)

Feedback very welcome and highly appreciated. Feel free to check out my Masterlist if this piece leaves you wanting more :)

“Y/N, look out!” Sam shouted and you turned attention to your left, freezing in spot once you saw the werewolf aiming at you with the gun you had dropped earlier.

Before you had a chance to dodge the bullet, Dean jumped in front of you, a scream of pain escaping his mouth as he got hit.

Sam immediately shot the werewolf in the heart, then he fired another and another one. The creature fell to the floor seconds after Dean did, and you stumbled forward, trying to assess the damage that Dean suffered from.

The entry wound was located on the left side of his stomach, right in between his two lowest ribs, and you prayed it missed all the important arteries and organs. His grey T-shirt was getting more and more red with every passing minute and you applied pressure to the wound, apologising for causing Dean pain when your action made him hiss.

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LIFE AFTER SURGERY:

As I sit here with my hands hovering above my keyboard, I’m realizing that I’m not entirely sure what I should say.
I’m honestly not certain that I could say anything that would adequately summarize what this surgery has been like for me.
I can, however, state (with some certainty) that one can never be fully prepared for this sort of thing.
Regardless of whether or not you want it to occur, genital reconstruction and surgical castration are both immensely difficult things to cope with.
Giving up any chance of having your own biological children can be devastating even if you don’t foresee it in your future. Surgery doesn’t fix the problems you experience in your day to day life, nor should you expect it to, and in a strange sense, I have found that surgery can feel an awful lot like trading one set of insecurities for another.
This isn’t to say that surgery hasn’t been a positive experience. I have always personally considered bottom surgery to be the “ending point” of my transition, and thus I have found peace in feeling as though I finally get to move forward with my life. Oddly enough I find myself leaping eagerly toward the option of a life of “normality”.
When I first came out, my goal wasn’t to live a life surrounded by the transgender community and it’s media.
I never really wanted to live my life with the added label of being transgender, I simply wanted the world to see me as I saw myself.
Now more than ever I feel as though I get to live the life I always wanted. I feel as though a tremendous weight has been lifted and I know I am incredibly fortunate to have reached this point.

TL;DR
Sometimes making the right choice and making the hard choice are one in the same. I have never felt more validated in my life, but I have also never experienced anything nearly as painful.

Lucifer Drabble Request

This was requested by anon: If it’s not too much, could you do “Look into my eyes" with lucifer? Ily❤️❤️

Word count: 372

Warnings: fluff

Lucifer walked into the bunker, brushing past Sam and Dean.  They still weren’t used to seeing him around the bunker.  He never cared for the Winchesters anyway.  He cared for you though.  You were the reason he came around all the time.  Today was the day he was going to make sure that you knew his exact feelings.

When Lucifer slipped inside of your room, you were listening to music on your bed.  Your eyes were closed, but you weren’t asleep by any means.  As Lucifer sat down on your bed, crossing his legs, he could see that you had opened your beautiful eyes.  He could look into them for hours on end.

You slid your headphones off of your head, raising an eyebrow at Lucifer.  “Did you need something Lu,” you wondered, opening the drawer to your nightstand.  It was where you kept the books he had gotten you since knowing you.  They were mostly used for the cases you worked with the fallen archangel.

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anonymous asked:

Simon spending the time he's sitting quietly to craft this elaborate (entirely meaningless but beautiful) apology and he eventually looks deep into Mark's eyes and begins to recite it. Mark waits until he's finished and then gives this really nasty, incredibly fake laugh which makes Simon recoil and they go back to their silence. Mark has known Simon for years, so he knows the difference between real Simon and soothing Simon and he isn't going to be played with. He thought Si knew that.

So the next thing Si tries to get Mark to talk to him, is he lunges forward and kisses him. And that makes things worse because Simon has made it very clear he’s not interested (to Mark, anyway) and so it feels like a cheap tactic. Simon gets kicked out and ends up moping around in the rain for a bit until Mark (realizing Si has no place to go) comes to find him and Si is soaked and freezing so they share a narrow bed, assuming the other is asleep, but both lying awake. Mark starts crying. 

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 about how marta went from overanalyzing x-men to meta about extent of merlin’s powers.

so, it was already established that my x-men obsession has returned, that much we know, but rewatching and seeing the old movies made me want to point out a couple of things about merlin. see, we have jean grey who’s an extremely powerful mutant and perhaps the only level 5 mutant alive. she has telekinesis, telepathy and her phoenix powers which basically means she can alter the reality to her will, right?

and then i have merlin, and i think if he were a mutant there would probably be no possible class for him, with how powerful he is.

see, i know just fine that magic is obviously different than mutations, but still it makes me consider it for a little longer. because really, when merlin arrives in camelot (he’s eighteen), his powers are still purely instinctual, by the time it all unwraps in the show he’s already extremely powerful (he’s just twenty-eight). and yet it is said he has power he cannot yet conceive. which makes you think that yes, he will be more powerful. even more so, that by the modern times he’s already 1500+ years old. he is so powerful that his magic makes him immortal. as much that he mastered the power over life and death.

now, if we know that and we know he’ll have all the time in the world to develop his skills, let me analyze what he could already do during the young years of his life we already saw in the show. mind you, some of which were accessed through spells, and yet seeing as he is claimed to be the most powerful sorcerer to ever have walked the earth, it’s still the specific abilities he possesses that allow him to do so many things.

keep in mind all of these are canon things he could do just in the show.

  • telekinesis. one of the first abilities he’s ever had. he mentions he could move objects with his mind before he could talk or walk. a very powerful kind he used from day one to the end of the show for very different purposes (as much just levitating things to flying countless people through the air with blasts of telekinetic energy).
  • control over elements. it’s also been shown from early on, in various forms, and all four of them. example is simple lighting fires, creating earthquakes or dangerous creation of handy tornados, etc.
  • control over weather. a little different from the control over elements, but still very valid. could be for example creating fog to cover up, or creating huge ass lightnings (like the one that killed Nimueh or defeated the entire army of Saxons).
  • slowing down molecules / time. it’s actually the first magical ability that was purely instinctual that was shown on the show. it’s hard to say whether it’s just molecules or the time itself, but it’s i think very close to one another.
  • telepathy / borderline mind control. seemingly different, but tied together. merlin first started to hear, as well as communicate with other magic users through telepathy. it was a thing yet to develop, but we could later see him using crystals to communicate with arthur for example. plus, he did use his magic to bend will (of arthur’s once, to get him safely out of camelot).
  • empathy / sensing. he was always very tied to places and magic, as well as being able to sense the magic in places and people. he could also sense spirits or magic cast at people.
  • healing. he could heal great wounds that were not inflicted by magical creatures (with obvious practice) as well as the effect of poison, some injuries or certain types of magic. 
  • projection / conjuring. it’s a very difficult skill that generally speaks against all the laws of magic (ones we even see in harry potter). merlin himself said no one can make butterflies appear from thin air, and yet we see him do the exact thing much later. it’s basically complete bending of reality and making things with actual body and purpose out of thin air.
  • energy / energy blasts / bending life and death. he was able to conjure blasts of pure, raw energy (like seen with killing sophia’s father for example), as well as conjuring energy that could kill things already dead or created from pure magical essence (like griffins for example).
  • shields / defensive magic. he was able to shield himself from many attack from both magical as well as non magical threats, like for example creating magical force protecting him from dragon’s breath. putting barriers around his mind definitely count too.
  • clairvoyance. this was always more of morgana’s true purpose and merlin wasn’t a seer, but he did have prophetic visions, sometimes dreams. he was also one of the very few creatures able to use crystal of neahtid which was essentially one of the crystals from crystal cave which allowed him to see the past, the present and the future.
  • necromancy / mediumship / summoning spirits. all of these appeared, though on yet different level and up to discovering more in the future. necromancy was especially shown when morgana summoned lancelot’s shade and he proved capable of it, and spirit work happened a few times as well, though not always by his hand (but clearly he was capable of both).
  • transfiguration / shapeshifting. it’s very close to conjuring, however it’s about changing the things that already exist into something else. it was for example turning a statue into an animal or conjuring snakes. but it was also himself turning into his various aliases, like ageing spell with dragoon or turning into the dolma.
  • dragonlord legacy. this is something inherited from his father and merlin is the last of his kind. he can command dragons and creatures alike, make them rise to life and many other things tied to his kin.
  • many other abilities. there are plenty of other abilities he had shown, but i can’t possibly name them all. they include things like extremely fast gathering information, very high resilience to things, seeing the path ahead of him, and plenty, plenty other things.
  • immortality. that alone is a result of being so powerful. the druids called him emrys and it’s his second true name, which means sorcerer cursed with immortality. it means that merlin can die, but never permanently, unless he’s ran through a sword forged in dragon’s breath through the heart. the last sword of that kind (excalibur) he both created and cast away to avalon with king arthur after his death, resulting in him being unable to die and having to wait for centuries for the arrival of new age.

now, there are obviously more abilities there which i failed to mention, and keep in mind that these are just things that he could do while still in the show (up till he was twenty-eight). he will develop his skills over time and become truly the most powerful being, and then truly the last of his kind (as it is canon that magic is dying out from the lands). the only things he cannot do is die, truly bring back the dead to life and move in time.

still, also keep in mind that while merlin is extremely powerful and being called magic itself, while he’s half being of old religion, the other part of him is still human (even if that part of him would cool off over time). there is also no doubt that whichever universe he’d be, it’d force him to hide away, because knowing about such power is asking for trouble. people do seek power and whatever it can bring them and that alone has been a trouble back in the show ; it surely will prove to be in the future too.

Theatre Ruined My Life

I remember a much simpler time in my life. When I had normal dreams. Dreams to become a doctor, teacher, chef. Now this, two years from graduation so sure of what I want to do. And somehow still paralyzed with fear. 

An actress? Really? What a pathetic dream. Do you realize how hard it’s going to be? Make sure you have a backup. What else do you want to do? Don’t rely on that dream. Oh, honey, you’ll figure it out.  

But mom, dad, teacher, great aunt Margaret, I have figured it out. 

That’s what sucks about having this dream. I eat, sleep, and breath acting. And for some worldly reason, everyone is telling me to fall in love with something else, something normal. I hate it so much. I am ashamed of knowing what I want do. My classmates have no flipping idea and I’m the one being embarrassed?!

Theatre ruined my life. I could have been normal. Be stuck at some dead end desk job unhappy like the rest of our country. But that’s not an option for me. As an actress, the last thing I want is to be normal. Or unhappy.

Right now, it might seem like theater has ruined my life. The smirks on adults who think my dream is ridiculous. The disapproving glances from my older, more successful cousins. The worried look on my moms face. These are all things I will have to put up with for years to come. But theatre did not ruin my life. It saved me. Saved me from the fate most Americans will face. So thank you theatre.

To all those considering a career in acting, please make sure your decision is yours and yours only. It might be tempting to go into a career that’s more “practical”. But in the end, will you be happy? Your happiness is at stake here. So do what makes you happy not what’s practical. And never, ever think that theatre has ruined your life.

You can’t imagine what a joyful woman is Ania. She has one of the most impressive stories that I ever heard.

Ania was born in Poland, 24 years ago, without a right leg. Her mother abandoned her in the maternity hospital and begged a doctor to take care of her.

“The doctor kept me illegally in the maternity hospital for many months. She knew that if I would be sent to an orphanage I could never have a normal life, in my situation.”

When Ania was 19 months old, she was adopted by a Belgian family.

“My parents are amazing. They adopted more children with disabilities and we all grew up happily in the countryside of Belgium, surrounded by animals from farms, enjoying nature.

I always loved sports. As a kid, I had many adventures. I was running on the rocks and in the forests, I was always feeling free and independent. I broke my prosthetic several times. Back than it was impossible to have a proper one for sport, because I didn’t have a femur.

Every night, before falling asleep, I was imagining myself running and running like an athlete. And my only dream was to have a proper prosthetic for sport. After a while, I started to think that if I will become an well known athlete, my biological mother will see me in the media and I will have the chance to find her in Poland. I really wanted to tell her that I never condemned her for what happened.”

The second part of the story, soon.

I Never Stopped Loving You - Part 1

Originally posted by ms-its-been-real

Originally posted by perfectfeelings

Request 1// Could you do a series where Derek and the reader date in high school and are in love, but the reader has to move away with her pack. Then they meet again when they’re older and are still in love? Keep Writing!💖

Request 2// For Derek fluff could you do one where you dated in high school but you moved away and you came back and y'all still love each other? Sorry it’s long…

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Being a werewolf was difficult at the beginning. I had no family,as my Alpha killed them, I barely even had a pack. I had an Alpha that was it. But starting Beacon Hills High School and becoming head cheerleader was the best thing ever. I met the love of my life. The best basketball player ever Derek Hale. He made everything a whole lot better. I finally had someone to talk to, someone to go to if I need someone. His family helped me gain control of my shift. My Alpha was useless, the only thing he wanted was to gain more power and make their pack bigger and stronger. They never cared about anyone. They cared about power and that was it. If you didn’t do he said. You were dead. That’s all that has to be said about him. I just wanted to be a normal teenage.

That’s when where Derek comes into my life. He made me forget about the supernatural, he made me feel normal. We were two teenagers in love, and that’s all that mattered to me. We would do everything together. 

Tonight Derek had one of the most important basketball games ever, and I was going to be there to cheer him on. I came out of the girls changing rooms and headed straight to the boys, I could hear Derek laughing and joking and his laugh was like music to my ears. When he came out he grabbed me and pulled me close and his lips crashed onto mine.

“You…Look…Beautiful” He told me between kisses. He hugged me tighter. 

“Go and get um babe, ” I told him. I tease a kiss but I pulled away.

“What was that?” He laughed. 

“Go and Shoot some hoops then maybe you can get another one” I laughed going back to my cheer team. I turned around and blew him a kiss.

The cheer team and I all got down to the gym just in time as the other basketball team arrived. Derek had his game face on and he took one last glance over at me, so I shot him over a wink. He just looked down shaking his head. Then the game started. 

It was half time and Beacon Hills were winning. Derek scored every shot. He ran over to you and crashed his Lips onto mine. 

“I think you owe me that.” He told me, pulling me closer to him.

“Wel, you showed me what you could do. Now it’s time for me to show you what I got” I told him letting go of him and stepping back.

“Come on girls!” I shouted. We cheered the best we could. Derek’s smile grew wider and wider. When we finished the whistle was blown to signal that the second half was about to begin.

Ended as Beacon Hills winning and Derek Scoring the winning shot. But some idiot had to change the mood. Derek didn’t have full control of his shift yet and this didn’t make it any better.

“You look great, I think you should come back to my place” I just gave him a blank look. I looked over at Derek. I could sense anger, his fists were clenched. But he stormed off before he could see what else could happen. This guy leaned into kiss me. I pushed him making him stumble back falling to the floor.

“Haha, you do make me laugh. I think you should try finding someone else, I am going to find my boyfriend. The winner” I said laughing and walking off knowing how Derek would be.

I sped out of the gym and to the boys changing rooms. I walked in and one of the mirrors was smashed with blood trickling down in. Derek was mad. 

“Derek?” I whispered slowly turning the corner. He was sat in the corner of the room with his head in his hands. He looked up at me with bright blue eyes, claws protruding from his fingers. I ran straight over to him and pulled him into my embrace. His breathing began to get heavier.

“Baby listen to me, listen to my voice, everything is okay, just calm down,” I told him never letting him go. I knew he found it hard to find control over his shift. But I was there for him.

“Derek your the only one I will ever love and that will never ever change, that idiot out the is now on the floor” Derek’s blue eyes fade back to normal, his breathing was back. Derek was back.

“Why don’t we get out of here?” I told him dragging him up to his feet and taking him out of the school. 

“Movie night at yours?” I asked

“Great Idea” He told me

“I just have to go and see my Alpha but you get all the snacks and movies ready and I will meet you there okay” Derek nodded and gave me a quick kiss before he headed off home.

I practically ran to see my Alpha. I didn’t want to see him but I didn’t want to be killed. I got to the run down old building were we lived. But something was different. There wasn’t just 1 heart beat. There were 5. I crept in and someone attacked me. But I was stronger. I shifted I through this person to the over side of the wall like he was nothing. That’s when I heard clapping.

“Well done Y/N, very proud,” My Alpha said.

“Who are these?” I said through gritted teeth as he was trying to test me.

“My betas,” He said simply 

“You made me come all this way to tell me that you added to the pack. Again. What within 2 days are you going to kill them?” I snapped. 

“NO! I told you to come her because we are leaving in 7 days so you better tell your lover boy you are leaving” My heart broke into a million pieces. This couldn’t be happening. I couldn’t leave Derek.

“No, I’m not leaving,” I said knowing I had no say in what we were going to do.

“No? NO! Yes, you are or you will end up like my other betas. Dead!” I could feel the tears forming in my eyes. I couldn’t stay there. I ran. I ran straight to Derek’s.

I knocked on the door, holding back the tears. How could this be happening? Talia opened the door.

“Hiya Y/N, Are you okay?” She asked

“Yeah I’m fine is Derek here, he said he would be?” I said and she obviously knew I was lying, even I could fool myself.

“Yeah go straight up,straight,” She told me, and that’s what I did. I walked up the stairs and straight into his room.

“Finally! You ready for Mov…” That’s when he turned around.

“Baby what’s up?” He asked pulling my arm to bring me into his embrace.

“I need to tell you something, Derek”

Part 2? What Do You Think

Serial suicides

There’s been another of those ‘serial suicides’. It’s weird. There doesn’t seem to be any connection between the deceased. It doesn’t make sense.

Met up with Bill Murray. Not the film star. He was the nurse who saved my life when I was shot. He’s got married, like normal people do.

Stuff’s happening to other people.