Hello, my name is Amanda and I am polyamorous
Chances are, if you stumble upon this blog post, it is because you clicked on a link from my coming out post on Facebook. If you did not, no worries. Welcome to my lovely post about my coming out as polyamorous (and for those who don’t already know, bisexual).
Unfamiliar with the concept of polyamory? That’s okay! I will help you define it. Basically, in our society, we operate under the assumption that everyone is looking for that one person with whom they will be with romantically until the end of time. This person fulfills all of the other person’s emotional and physical needs. Marriage usually accompanies these arrangements. Nowadays you can forgo the piece of paper, divorce when things don’t work out, and even now it is socially acceptable to marry people that identify as your gender. However, there are people who fall outside of this monogamous set-up. Some people explore only sexual possibilities with their partner. This is not what I am here writing about. If this were about sex, well then, that has no place in a public forum where people like my family read what I talk about. Polyamory is simply the concept that some people can fall in love with multiple other people simultaneously and ideally could maintain multiple romantic relationships at once.
I spent most of my life thinking I was monogamous. In fact, in the larger scope of possibilities, I could have lived a wonderful and fulfilling life being monogamous to Brian. He’s awesome. We work well together. But we are also capable of other bigger and greater things too.
I won’t bore you with the details about how we came about becoming poly. In fact, it’s not as exciting of a story as one might imagine. Being poly involves talking, talking, and talking. You have to figure out a lot about yourself and what personal traumas could affect this more nuanced approach to romance. It involves a sense of time management. Also lots of honesty. But it’s worth it, at least for Brian and I.
So I have compiled a sort of Q&A for those who are likely curious. I could answer these in person, but some of these questions (which I have been asked before to those who we came out to previously) are a bit insensitive. I have thought the decision to come out to the world for a very long time. This is a part of my journey towards the path of recovery of my depression. Brian and I are not ashamed of our relationships. Why continue living our lives in a manner that is not authentic to reality?
Q & A
Why did you even get married?
I surprisingly get this one a lot. It’s really rude to hear the tone in their voice when they ask this question, for sure. But seriously, have you been married? It’s awesome. Being married is like having a sleepover with your best friend every night. But you also tell each other basically everything. And you always have a cuddle partner. And well you get the picture. Being married has given me the privilege of living a life passing as both monogamous and straight, which I am neither. A part of coming out was political, for sure. I am willingly giving up that privilege so that I can create positive images of the poly lifestyle that in practice differs very little from the monogamous marriages that make up the majority of unions today.
What about your kid?
Now my daughter is my number one priority in life. She will be for a very, very long time. Her safety and happiness is more important to me than anything I do or don’t do. But when it comes to the reality that poly families are stigmatized, I was anxious to come out. Our basic philosophy when it comes to telling Lily about our poly lifestyle is to approach it age appropriately and only if she asks. She doesn’t need to know every detail or even most details. We aren’t going to make huge life altering decisions that would jeopardize stability in her life. Plus we will only have people in our life that are positive role models for her. And believe it or not, but humans were polyamorous before we decided to own land and farm. We didn’t have marriages or arrangements that involved passing down land to offspring because we didn’t even own land. So if they did okay back then, we will do okay now!
Are you a lesbian? Are you going to leave Brian for a woman?
Nope. No. I actually got asked this so I better cover my bases.
Don’t you guys ever get jealous?
I get jealous. Let me clarify. I get jealous that sometimes Brian gets to do super awesome things without me! For real though. There is a new kind of appreciation for life that I feel knowing that other people can love and care about Brian. He’s a catch, which is why I “put a ring on it”. But I’m not possessive.
Why even come out? Why can’t you just keep your marital business to yourself?
Because simply, this is above my marriage. This is a part of my identity. It’s up there with being a woman, an American, a mom, and other wonderful aspects of me. Now that I know what I am, I can fully experience life in a way that truly makes me happy.
What’s the hardest part about being poly?
Society. Living in the closet. So here I am, changing that.
Why isn’t Brian enough? Isn’t that the whole point in having a life partner?
I don’t think of my marriage in terms of Brian being “enough” for me. Rather, I ask myself, “What is my capacity for love? And for whom?” Of course when you frame polyamory in terms relating the monogamy, the fundamentals won’t fit. It would be like putting the triangle block through the square hole. They are both shapes, but also radically different. You get the picture.
Are you scared that Brian is going to leave you?
Do you mean, do I harbor feelings of insecurity that many monogamous people have about their partners? No I don’t. Because even before we opened our relationship, we had a fabulous connection. The fear of being left alone doesn’t magically appear when you open your relationship. I think when implemented correctly for the people who are geared towards this lifestyle, relationships can be stronger. There is less cheating, more talking, and everyone involved has to get down and dirty with their deepest relationship fears and face them dead on. Monogamy can be a crutch for those fears, no doubt. But there is a tipping point, as I am sure most of you can relate to. But no, I am not scared Brian is going to leave me. He shows me with words and actions every single day that indicate his happiness and feelings of content. He’s a rockstar.
All right, I can’t think of anything else for the moment. I might add stuff here later. I am more or less open to questions, as long as they aren’t too personal or demeaning. Thanks for reading.