when i grow up i wanna self destruct

Have you ever felt like you’re at war with sides of yourself? My god I’ve been fighting with angels and devils for years- there is never peace in my conscience. My personality seems to work in opposite extremes along the spectrum. There’s a good, decent, loving person in me, and a poisonous entity- a warped version of myself that spits insults to my subconscious and only seeks to self destruct. Highs and lows dominate my existence- there is no middle ground of blissful contentment for me. I wanna be sober but I’m always high. I have an inherent need to connect with someone, but I push them away when they get too close. 20 is a really strange time in life. You’re half kid, half adult, desperately grasping at both sides trying to get your feet on solid ground- but the world stops for no one to catch their breath. Truth is, I’m ready to grow up, move on with my life. Many would argue that I’m wise beyond my years, but why doesn’t it feel like it? I’ve got everything going for me on paper- good grades, solid career prospects, great friends, and a guise of confidence that could fool the most perceptive person. But I’m empty really, floating like a plastic bag on the freeway. Conforming to the shapes of everything that slams into me, instead of actively trying to avoid them- taking blow by blow until my seams finally wither away. I’m my own worst enemy really- caught in a cycle of self-sabotage and self loathing. It’s always tomorrow that I’ll change, that things will be different. But I can’t fool myself anymore, and maybe that’s why I’m losing my mind. I’m the only one who knows the truth of who I really am. I am the only one that sits with the darkness of my thoughts every night. I owe myself an apology for everything I never surmounted to, for becoming everything I said I’d never be. I am my father’s daughter, a creature of habit that will ruin everything I touch. I’m a bouquet of ‘almosts’- should have, could have, but never did.