when he's not being a life ruiner

Hamilton: a guide to the principal characters
  • Alexander Hamilton: +10 for style, -11 for having no chill. Probably has severe anxiety disorder (I, too, imagine death so much it feels more like a memory, Alex). Dies from having no chill.
  • Aaron Burr: Is obsessed with being the only character who has some actual chill. Since he goes batshit murdery when he loses his chill, this is understandable.
  • Eliza Schuyler Hamilton: Perfect angel child of Jesus and Beyoncé. It is unclear whether this role can be played by anyone but Philippa Soo. Actress' vocal chords must be Olympian gymnasts.
  • Angelica Schuyler Church: Patriarchy-murdering lady rapper with historically inaccurate crush on Alexander Hamilton. But hey, we all have historically inaccurate crushes on Alexander Hamilton at this point.
  • And Peggy: Everyone's precious baby. Dies offstage. The actress comes back on in the second act as life-ruiner Maria Reynolds and actually I am not ready to talk about this
  • John Laurens: ALERT! THE SLASHFIC IS CANON. I REPEAT: THE SLASHFIC IS CANON. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
  • Hercules Mulligan: Possibly a horse abuser? But also a lovable ruffian? Unclear.
  • Marquis de Lafayette: Our Lord and Savior. He was a baby child who made America a thing with his awesome rapping skills, then went back to France and survived the Revolution so he could go on to become the CANONICAL LINK BETWEEN HAMILTON AND LES MIS by walking in Lamarque's funeral procession. Also, great hair.
  • Thomas Jefferson: haha no fuck that guy
  • Thomas Jefferson: great hair, though.
  • James Madison: should have been captain of the cheerleading squad. Never quite got over it.
  • George Washington: is such a good father to Alex, Laurens, and Lafayette that the entire audience forgets he owns slaves.
  • Philip Hamilton: nope nope nope
  • King George III: Beyoncé loves his walk.

Next person to bump into Louis in LA, please ask him if that’s the same beanie Harry wore to The X Factor auditions, then when he blushes and stammers in response, please yell at him for being one half of a pair of sappy, smitten life-ruiners.

i can totally see going to a party with michael and him literally always touching you in some way! he would refuse to leave without you, even if he went to get another drink. he would probably even drag you in the bathroom with him when he had to pee, which then of course led to him lifting you up on the counter and making out with you while trying to casually pull down your panties and unbuckle his pants so he could fuck you with your head pressed back against the mirror and one of his hands on your lower back, the other pressed up against the wall while he moaned in to your shoulder leaving sloppy kisses and hickies on your collar bone. and a lot of grunting in your ear and huffing out short little phrases like ‘such a good princess’ or 'making me feel so good kitten, you’re so wet’ and he would love to hear your moans so he would touch all the right places and say all the right things because he loves the way you look when he’s fucking you and god, if the alcohol wasn’t enough of a buzz, the fact that he was the one responsible for making you feel this way was beyond any high alcohol could bring. he used each moan and each whimper as motivation to thrust faster, to bite harder, to say more.. and after you both hit your highs, he wouldn’t pull out right away, he would stay inside of you for another minute before deciding it was probably time to go back downstairs but not before he snatched your panties from the floor and shoving them in his pocket and smirking at you, smacking your now jean covered ass as you left the bathroom first

((i texted this to hoemichaels but i thought you all would appreciate me sharing this ((you’re welcome)))