when everything is lonely

Autistic Hogwarts students
  • Autistic students who are best friends with their pets, owls, cats and frogs.
  • Autistic students who spend all their free time in the library.
  • Autistic students who know spells that can muffle the sounds around them. This could be really useful in the great hall and other crowded places.
  • Autistic students who made a deal with the elves in the kitchen that they get their favourite and sensory safe food and drinks every day.
  • Autistic students who know secret passages and the least popular stairs in Hogwarts to avoid crowds.
  • Autistic students who like to wear the school uniform because they always wear the same and they won’t have to decide what sensory friendly clothing they want to wear each morning.
  • Autistic students who like to communicate with the merpeople by sign language. The merpeople come to the big windows on the far side of the Slytherin common room if they are curious or want to talk.
  • Autistic students who stim by flying on a broom or play quidditch in the heavy equipment.
  • Autistic students who buy their stim toys in a magical fidget shop: Potions which smell like everything you want them to. Blankets that adjust their weight to the needs of the owner. Stim toys which change textures and other things like self-rotating glitter jars, endless bubble wrap, moving pictures for visual stimming. Everything you’d ever imagine.
  • Autistic students who create their own ‘personal space’ inside their wardrobe with an extension charm to relax, recover and be alone.
  •  Autistic students who use the time-turner to visit their favorite classes, again and again.
  • Autistic students who are befriended with the ghosts and portraits because they need no physical contact and have hundreds of years of knowledge to share.
  • Autistic students who have a self-writing quill which makes notes in class.
  • Autistic students who have a magical bracelet or pin which displays the mood and show if they want to communicate or be left alone.
  • Autistic students who have a collection of magical stim toys which can fly, hover, change colours or textures or make sounds.
  • Autistic students who sneak out of their common room at night because they like to wander the empty and quiet halls.
  • Autistic students who invented a light that only shine for them if they want to read and learn all night without waking everyone.
  • Autistic students who made howler which can only be heard by the receiver because they are bothered by the sudden noise every time someone received one.
  • Autistic students who are allowed to visit the greenhouse, potion class, astronomy tower, stables for magical creatures or the quidditch fields if they want to experiment or learn about their special interest.
  • Autistic students who meet other autistics in the room of requirements to train or analyse social situations, talk about their special interests, stimming together, etc.
  • Autistic students who have self-organizing and magically expanding shelves.
  • Autistic students who have an arrangement with the house elves in the kitchen that always food and drinks appear near them when it’s time to eat and they forgot about it.
  • Autistic students who have blankets which can adjust their weight if they want their blankets to be heavier or lighter.
  • Autistic students who go nonverbal have magical cards which can display and verbalise their thoughts if they have to say something.
  • Autistic students who have a special interest in muggle things and interrogate all new muggle-born and half-blood students about it.
  • Autistic students who ‘lock’ their wands, so they can stim with it without setting of spells.
  • Autistic students who learn to cast their spells wandless because they don’t like the feeling of holding a wand or like to flap their hands.
  • Autistic students who are allowed to miss class if they (are about to ) have a meltdown, shutdown or a sensory overload.
  • Autistic students who have enchanted chairs and tables in every classroom which can adjust the brightness of the light, the speech volume of the teacher and other students and the room temperature to make the perfect environment for each student.
  •  Autistic students who have a magical compass which shows them the fastest way to their common room or safe place from every location in Hogwarts if they are going to have a meltdown, shutdown or sensory overload.
  • Autistic students who stay over Christmas in Hogwarts because it’s quieter and less stressful there than at their home.
  • Autistic students who are visited by their families and friends on visiting day at Hogwarts once a month. On every train station and in Kings Cross on platform 9 ¾  a wizard is positioned who cast a temporary spell on the visitors and lead them through the barrier. They will arrive at Hogsmeade where the students can meet them. In special cases, they can stay in Hogsmeade for a few days. After that, the Hogwarts Express will bring them back to the muggle world.
  • Autistic students who manipulate stinkbombs from Zonko’s Joke Shop or Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes that they smell like their favourite stimmy smell.
  • Autistic students who have a huge collection of chocolate frog cards or rare magical plants.
  • Autistic students who always have a sneakoscope on them, which make an alarming sound when it’s in range of an untrustworthy person, like a poltergeist or bullies. 
  • Autistic students who like to spend their time in the shrieking shack, when everything is too much and they need alone-time. It’s a lonely place because no others students dare to go there.To get there, they use the secret passage under the whomping willow.
  • Autistic students who like to spend their time at the boathouse because it’s quieter there than on the lakeshore.
  • Autistic students who row out onto the great lake to play with the merpeople and the giant squid and feed the squid toast from breakfast.
  • Autistic students who can’t travel in the crowded and noisy Hogwarts Express. Instead, they’re allowed to use brooms, portkeys, floo powder, apparition spells or flying cars or carpets.
  • Autistic students who can’t live in the common room could rent a room in Hogsmeade or stay home. They have to travel every day to Hogwarts and back home.
  • Autistic students who are allowed to travel with floo powder through the fireplaces from one classroom the next to avoid the crowds in the hallways.
  • Autistic students who like to flap and rock while reading about their special interests use flying books or let them fly.
  • Autistic students who like rules, order and organisation  want to be praefect of their house.
  • Autistic students who like the sound of the water in the Slytherin dungeon or the howling wind in the Gryffindor/Ravenclaw tower.
  • Autistic students who have a bad sense of orientation and take a copy of the marauders’s map from the Hogwarts merch shop with them to find the way to their classrooms.
  • Autistic students who visite besides muggle studies the social norm class for muggle and wizard worlds, in which muggle-born, half-bloods and pure-bloods learn about the social life and the daily life with or without magic in the other world.
  • Autistic students who have problems with personal hygiene. Instead of teeth brushing they can chew on a bubble gum made out of the juice of a rare magical plant. And instead of showering they can use potions or charms to stay clean.
  •  Autistic students who got stimming attachments from Olivander’s. They can modify their wands with chewing bits or little attached fidget toys or transparent parts with shiny liquid in it, like a glitter jar.
  • Autistic students who have magical contact lenses which can adjust the light level of every environment after the users needs.
  • Autistic students who teach themselves Parseltongue because they see it as a new challenge and a special way to make friends with animals
  • Send me your Ideas!
  • to be continued
Music Asks!
  • 1: Favorite band?
  • 2: Favorite song?
  • 3: What's a band/artist you loved as a child but can barely listen to now?
  • 4: Did you ever see a band/artist live?
  • 5: Are you going to any gigs soon?
  • 6: Ever been to a festival?
  • 8: A song with a number in the title?
  • 9: A song that gets you through shit?
  • 10: A good song for long bus rides?
  • 11: A song you'd have sex to?
  • 12: A song to shut everything out?
  • 13: A song for when you're lonely?
  • 14: A song that's become a joke between you and your friends?
  • 15: A song to jam out to at 4AM?
  • 16: An album you could listen to for days on end?
  • 17: A song that punches you in the gut every single time?
  • 18: A song for when you're crazy angry?
  • 19: If you had to pick one song to represent what you're feeling right now, what would it be?
  • 20: A song that calms you down?
  • 21: A song that makes you feel alive?
  • 22: A band with an insane fandom?
  • 23: What are some lyrics you love to pieces?
  • 24: Would you ever get any song lyrics tattooed? If so which ones?
  • 25: What's a band/artist you'd addict your children to from an early age?
  • 26: A vocalist you love?
  • 27: Has a band/artist ever inspired you to do something?
  • 28: A band/artist you love but no longer exists?
  • 29: What was your favorite band/artist when you were 12?
  • 30: A band/artist you can't stand?
  • 31: What's your favorite genre?
  • 32: Can you play any instruments?
  • 33: Do you sing?
  • 34: If you could be a member of any band for one show, who would it be?
  • 35: Do you have a favorite piece of merch?
  • 36: What's the first album you ever bought with your own money?
  • 37: Do you prefer buying physical copies of albums or do you download them on the internet?
  • 38: CDs or vinyls?
  • 39: Do you play your music out loud or with headphones?
  • 40: A band/artist a friend showed you?
  • 41: A song that gives you the chills?
  • 42: A song to play at your funeral?
  • 43: A band/artist with amazing an instrumental but really bad lyrics?
  • 44: A love song?
  • 45: A song you love to sing to yourself?
  • 46: What do you listen to when you go for a run?
  • 47: A song that represents a deserted city at night?
  • 48: A wild song?
  • 49: An upbeat song with grim lyrics?
  • 50: What are some song titles you love?
  • 51: If your life ended today, what song would you chose to represent it?
  • 52: Can you give me a 5 song playlist on ___?
  • 53: Do you listen to instrumental music?
  • 54: Weirdest band/artist you know of?
  • 55: A song about drugs?
  • 56: A heart-wrenching song?
  • 57: A band/artist you're proud of?
  • 58: A band/artist who's music could bring you back from the dead?
  • 59: A band/artist with a sick aesthetic?
  • 60: A song that has a lot of meaning to you?
In bright white snow, when everything sleeps.  And hope has left you lonely.  When all you ever remember about summer is how it ended.  I send hope back to you, wherever you are.  I hope you remember all the people you still have time to be.  I hope the little things in your life inspire you to do big things with it.  I hope you remember that summer comes every year and that the sun, is still sweet.  I hope you learn to hope again.
—  I Wrote This For You (Ian Thomas)

anonymous asked:

how do you know if you're really falling in love with someone? it is a very cliché question but i just need someone because i'm completely confused at the moment

When their smile becomes the reason behind the fire in your soul. When they influence your feelings. When the things that matter to them, matters to you. When their happiness becomes your everything. When you feel lonely in a room filled with familiar faces without that particular someone. When they make you feel in a way that no one can.

Here you go, hope you enjoy! To check out some more if you feel like it, I have a masterlist here that has everything I’ve written for ACOTAR and TOG in it!

***

Having children was never something Amren was inclined to do. She found them irksome, and the way they couldn’t care for themselves and were so overly dependent was annoying. She had never truly loved a child until her family had started procreating. First was Cassian. She thought his son might be the true spawn of irritation like his father, but that feeling melted away the first time he clenched her finger in his fist, and she saw the dimples on his cheeks. Then Rhysand and Feyre popped out a little girl, and she had never felt the urge to protect as strongly as she had then. As more and more of them had children and her life was filled with calls of Aunty Amren and the sound of high-pitched laughter, her heart settled on the idea of kids – not her own, but loving someone else’s. No matter how much she loved her nieces and nephews, there was no way she would ever want to give birth. The problem? Her lover of centuries, Varian.

Amren couldn’t miss the way he stared longingly at families if she tried. It had started small at first: a lingering glance full of envy as he stared at Azriel and Mor with their son and daughter, being willing, even wanting to change shit filled diapers, holding babes close to his chest and just closing his eyes. But it became more than that. Tarquin gave him full reign of care over his children, and Varian took every opportunity he could to whisk them away and be the best uncle he could. Amren could admit that he would be a wonderful father. As for her? That just wasn’t something she’d ever considered or wanted. She’d seen women give birth, and there was no way in hell she was doing that. Amren knew this like she knew the sound of Varian’s breathing, like she knew the beating of her heart if he was near. So, as she looked at him now with Tarquin’s youngest giggling in his arms, she was afraid. Scared that this male she loved so much, who owned the key to her locked heart and soul, would leave her.

Varian threw his niece into the air and caught her, her little giggles echoing around the atrium.

“Thank you for bringing her back safely,” Tarquin said. His other children had been busy in tutoring today, but his little girl couldn’t read yet let alone learn history or languages. That meant that while Tarquin had a date with his mate, Varian got his daughter.

“Same time next week?” Varian kissed the toddler’s forehead.

Tarquin approached him while nodding before lifting his girl out of Varian’s arms. The High Lord cooed at her and cuddled her tight, the tot snuggling eagerly into her Papa’s chest, tiny hands clenching onto his jacket’s lapels.

“I’ll see you soon, take care.” Tarquin left, muttering things under his breath to his daughter about how much he loved her and how much her missed her during the day.

Amren would never be able to give Varian that. There was just no way she could ever carry a baby in her body.

That night as Varian released himself in her and groaned her name, a tear escaped her eye. Every time that she now made love to him might be the last. It was inevitable. Amren could not give him a child.

_____

It had started to happen.

Amren knew Varian too well for him to be able to hide his emotions from her. She could tell he was steeling himself to ask her if they could try to conceive a child. The first time she noticed was the morning after their five-hundredth and eighty-third anniversary, when she awoke to find him running his fingers over her bare abdomen. Then one day while they were walking down the Sidra he stopped to look at baby clothing, even though the clothes were too small for any child they knew. The week proceeding, she caught him reading a book of names, the fortnight after that he asked Azriel to teach him how to be a carpenter so he could build furniture for him and Amren. The piece he made? A crib. The first time something like this happened a seed of dread planted itself in Amren’s stomach, and every situation since had only watered it until it had grown to the size of her body, completely consuming her.

Amren could not give birth.

She sat across from Varian at their table, barely picking at the food while he enthusiastically ate. He kept giving her strange looks as she used her fork to push her peas into the shape of a dagger, but he didn’t comment. He did keep tapping his fingers on the hardwood table though, something he only did when he was nervous.

“There’s something I wanted to talk to you about,” he said as he laid down his cutlery.

Amren had dreaded this moment, but resigned herself to her fate. “Yes?”

“I’ve been thinking about us a lot lately. We’ve been together so long, and these years have given me nothing but joy when I’m with you. There hasn’t been a war in Prythian since the King of Hybern, and there are strong treaties between all the Courts. We’re perfectly safe, and I think that now would be the perfect time to maybe extend the little family we’ve made for ourselves.”

The look of pure hope on his face made Amren want to throw up the small amount of food she had managed to eat through her anxiety. She didn’t reply, just turned her head to the side. Varian misread her distress as hesitancy so he got up from his chair and came around the table to kneel in front of her. He took her hands in his, the rough feel on his calluses from centuries of sailing on her skin was the most comforting feeling she could hope for at a time like this.

“I don’t know…”

“Amren, I love you. I have since the first time I say you in Adriata and you looked like you were going to murder me, but then stood and drank with me anyway when I was feeling lonely. You are everything to me, and I can’t imagine a life without you. It’s been nearly six-hundred years, Amren, and I think we’re ready to-”

“Don’t say it.” She hissed.

Varian’s face fell slightly, but he tried to hide it with a smile. “Amren?”

“I can’t,” she breathed.

“It doesn’t have to be now, for now we could just talk about the idea of a child.” He lifted his hands to caress her face but she grabbed his wrists to stop him.

“I’m never going to be able to give you what you want, Varian.” She stood up and stepped away from him, releasing his wrists and looking away.

“I… This – okay then.” Varian’s shoulders slumped. “I’m happy with just you Amren. I always have been and I always will be.”

When Amren finally looked up, she didn’t see a man content with his relationship staying the way it was. She saw a man with tears in his eyes and a hand on his forehead. She saw a man whose hands were shaking slightly and whose cheeks had reddened. Varian was no liar, he meant what he said about her, or at least he thought he did. Sometimes, the person who knows your emotions best isn’t yourself. Amren looked away, covering her mouth with her hand to supress her emotion. Amren could see the truth between them like shadows dancing – Varian was already a father. A father, who because of her, did not, and never would, have a child. The last six hundred years had been the best of her miserable existence. They had been a light, love and happiness that she did not know possible, and it was because of the male in front of her. If she did not let him go now, then she would destroy him. She would shatter him into a million bitter pieces where not even one was capable of a selfless love. She would make him like her.

“This is it,” she said.

“This is enough,” he genuinely believed.

“No, it’s not.” Amren turned her back to him, her face crumpling. Amren prided herself on her control, so as the tears fell down her face it was just another reason for her to feel ashamed of herself. “This has to stop.” She whispered.

Varian came behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his face in the crook of her neck. “I agree. I don’t want to fight with you. Let’s just go to bed, okay?” He kissed her neck, and it only made her cry harder. “You’re shaking,” he said with concern, tightening his arms.

This is over.”

“Amren?”

She turned and because she was selfish and she loved him she kissed him one more time. She breathed the last of her soul into that kiss, tasting him for long enough that she prayed his essence would stay on her lips forever.

When it was over, she put her cheek to his and pulverized her heart. “We can’t be together anymore.”

As he stood there in utter shock, his eyes wide and mouth unmoving, she left him.

It was for the best. That’s the only thing that made her capable of walking out that door.

____

Varian stumbled into the palace of Adriata, guards yelling in concern as he did. The way he was walking and breathing made them think that Varian had been attacked, that somehow he was injured, but the reality was much, much worse.

The red marks his tears had marred down his face were so raw it looked like he had been clawed at. His breathing was so shallow and inconsistent that his sobs were no longer possible. His chest hurt so much that he had a hand clutched to it at all times.

As Varian crossed the threshold to the opening atrium, his knees buckled and he fell to the floor. He could hear people calling his name and feel their touch as they tried to make him stand, but nothing could be done. His eyes were glazed and he could see nothing but the blurred ivory marble floor.

How could this be? How could she be gone? What could he do to get her back?

Eventually, it was Tarquin and Cresseida that picked him off the floor, his cousin carrying him over his shoulder and taking him to his room at the palace. A healer was called, but after confirming that there was actually nothing physically wrong with him, she left. His two closest family members sat with him, his sister in tears with worry and Tarquin begging him to tell him what’s wrong. Varian could not find the words to say what happened with Amren, so he simply closed his eyes and hoped when he woke up he would have a miraculous answer on how to fix this mess.

____

“I know what happened,” Tarquin said as he passed Varian a tray of breakfast.

“How?” he croaked.

“I contacted Amren and she told me that she ended the relationship. But why? Varian, I had no idea you two weren’t happy. I wish you had told me so I could’ve helped you.”

Varian sat up in his bed, a pile of cushions behind him so he could easily lean and be comfortable. His throat was so dry from the night before that when he saw the glass of water Tarquin had for him he greedily drank it. His throat was still burning though, his whole body was, and he doubted it would end soon.

“We were happy. Or I was. I had no part in this decision.” If Varian closed his eyes, he could pretend that the night before had not happened. That he hadn’t been stupid enough to bring up the possibility of children when she was so obviously uncomfortable. He has such an ass, thinking that maybe if they talked it through she might be more open to the idea; instead, all he’d managed to do was push her away.

“What happened? You two have never seemed… I never thought you would end.” Tarquin asked hesitantly.  

“I want children and she does not.” Varian whispered. The image he’d been picturing for a hundred years now was disintegrating in his mind. An image where he walked along the shore of Adriata with his child in his arms and his wife at his side. An image where together he and Amren taught their boy or girl to sail and fight and lead.

“At all? She seems to enjoy spending time with children. Maybe that maternity doesn’t spread to her own offspring.”

Varian was no idiot; he knew exactly why Amren wouldn’t want kids, and he should’ve thought of that before broaching the subject. “I think the more likely problem is that she doesn’t want to be pregnant. When it comes to her body… It has always been purely her own. She doesn’t eat certain things because she doesn’t like the thought of it being inside her, will only let certain healers treat her if she’s injured, doesn’t like it if people touch her without her explicit permission. I think she sees growing a baby as a violation to herself. Or, not a violation, but an intrusion. She would never be the same after that – that’s where the problem lies. And Cauldron, I can’t blame her for feeling that way. Thousands of years and she’s finally proud of the skin she walks in, I could never insist on taking that away. I’m such an idiot.” Varian groaned and put his face in his hands. He was so ashamed for thinking about his wants and desires before considering the impact it would have on her.

“Varian, just as there is nothing wrong with her not wanting to be pregnant, there is nothing wrong at all with you wanting children. Have you considered other options?”

“Like what?” Varian unintentionally snapped. “We could adopt, but where the hell would we find an unwanted child? Not even the Illyrians abandon their bastards anymore. Or I could make her endure a surrogate, what women doesn’t want to watch her man fuck another female? Mother above, we were in our twenties when we went Under the Mountain. I don’t know how to actually live without her, Tarquin. What am I – what am I going to do? I – I-” Varian’s tangle of words ended in a shaking sob.

Tarquin, having raised five children at this point, knew how to be soothing. He sat next to his cousin and best friend and put his arm around his shoulder, letting him cry into his shoulder while he smoothed back his hair.

“Do you want to be a father, Varian?”

“Yes,” he hiccupped. “But only with her. I could never look at another woman.”

“I might have a solution for you,” Tarquin offered. “But first I want you to take some time to yourself first, just give me a week and I promise I can give you at least one thing you want. Do you agree?”

“I’ll do anything,” Varian resigned.

Tarquin nodded and then left Varian with his food and guilt.

____

Amren had not left their home in over a week. Or was it now just her home? Varian had not come anywhere near it, she would know if he had. She had spent the miserable days without him alone, the only interaction she’d had with another person was when Tarquin had messaged her frantically to say something was wrong with Varian and she must come. She replied saying in time Varian would heal, and explained in a single sentence that they were no longer together. All it took was a single sentence, and suddenly the past six hundred years of her life were exactly that – the past. She would no longer wake up to Varian at her side every morning, would no longer sail the world on a whim, would no longer feel like she belonged in this world dominated by High Fae.

Her friends and family had come by desperately wanting her to let them in so they could help her, but she sent them away. This was a problem she needed to deal with on her own. The only person who could get through the wards she had laid around her home were Varian, and hopefully he had embraced the fact that he was better off without her.

She sat at her bay window, clutching a pillow to her chest and gazing out into the rolling sea. The way the moon shimmered off the thrashing waves reminded her of sunlight glinting of Varian’s hair, and it made her smile. When she looked at the stars, she only saw the constellations Varian had taught her while they were on the sea so that no matter where she was, she’d never get lost.

But what if I lose you? she had joked. When she was with him was the only time she allowed herself to be vulnerable, and under her joke hid a serious question and insecurity.

He had kissed her until she had forgotten her words, and made love to her until she knew for sure that the only way they would be parted was through death, and maybe not even then.

Amren’s gaze jolted away from the window as she heard a faint but insistent knock on the door. Who the fuck broke her wards? She was fuming. She didn’t care that her hair was a gritty mess on her head and that all she was wearing was one of Varian’s old shirts, she was ready to murder.

She stormed to her door and picked up a dagger on her way, fully prepared to throw it in the face of whoever was disturbing her. She threw open the door snarling, but went silent as she saw Varian in front of her. The dagger dropped to the ground with a clang, and she lowered her arm.

“Varian? What are you doing here?” She had a lot of things to be embarrassed about, but she found herself not caring that he was seeing her in this state. He had seen her at all her best and worst moments, and been there for her through every one. Surely, he could handle seeing her break down like this too.

“I have only two questions, and it could change everything. All you have to say is yes or no.” Varian looked put together. He was clean shaven and bathed, the scent of salt and lavender that followed him everywhere invading her senses. He had on a Summer Court suit made of fine whites, golds and greens, and he was adorned with golden jewellery.

She had lost the ability to produce coherent words so she just nodded. She didn’t think for one second that Varian’s appearance meant he was taking this easier than she was, but she was intrigued about why he had put so much effort in his lookds when he was just seeing her.  

“Am I correct in saying that when it comes to us having a child, the obstacles have to do with pregnancy and birth more so than raising a child?” His eyes glimpsed up and down her. They were filled with longing and sorrow, likely mirrored in Amren’s.

“Yes.”

“If there was a way for us to have a child without having to conceive it, would you? With me?”

Amren had never considered this option. Adoption in Prythian was very uncommon. On the rare chance a child had no parents, someone else from the family would swoop in and take them to raise. After the war there had been a few children in need of homes, but that was quickly sorted. The Illyrians no longer abandoned bastard children, and even then Amren had no right as a fae to take one of them to raise for herself. Surrogacy, or a donor mother, was something that was beyond the bounds of possibility. For a fae to get pregnant was unlikely enough, let alone one who was willing to do so just to give the child away. And it also meant that Varian would have to intimate with another woman. Polyamory was something they had experimented with before, but only together. She didn’t think she could handle him being with someone else if she wasn’t there too. All it was, was another failed alternative.

“There’s no way-”

“Just answer yes or no. If we could have a child without you giving birth, would you do it?” His hands were the only part of him that betrayed how nervous he was about her answer. They were fiddling with his belt, and she wanted nothing more than to reach out her hand and stop his fretting with a kiss to his palm. But they couldn’t do that anymore. There was one thing she could do though.

“Yes,” she answered again.

His fingers stopped and a smile as wide as the Sidra graced his beautiful face. “I love you,” he breathed.

“That doesn’t change anything! I still can’t give you what you want. You have to have children, Varian. And when you find a female that you love and who can give you that you will be the best father in Prythian, but that woman can’t be me.” She stepped away from him and tried to close the door, but he stuck out his foot so it was in the way.

“If you come with me I can show you something that I swear you’ll want to see. You just have to keep an open mind.” He put his hand on the door frame and wedged himself further inside their home.

She rolled her eyes and put her hands on his cheeks. “I will never stop loving you, and I wish I was able to give you a child, wish I could watch you as a father to our baby but I cannot, and will never, get pregnant.”

He leaned forward and quickly kissed her. “You don’t need to.”

_____

Amren was led by Varian to Adriata’s palace. His steps were hurried and he never let go of her hand as he pulled her down the stone spiral staircase that led to the infirmary. She had no idea what was going on and knew that she should probably be nervous about whatever shenanigan he was going to lead her into, but his excitement made her slightly giddy.

Before she had left she had quickly thrown her hair into a bun and put on pants – the situation would probably require them. When they had made it to the infirmary, Varian bypassed the healer on shift and went straight to the room at the end of the hall. The stopped outside the door when he turned and kissed her again.

“I love you,” he reminded her.

He reached his hand out, it was trembling slightly, and opened the door.

The inside of the room was the nicest area Amren had ever seen in an infirmary. The navy drapes covering the walls made the room seem bigger and warmer, and the carpet was a bright red colour. There was a multitude of mahogany dressers lining the walls and in the exact centre of the room was a white cradle.

Amren stared at it, and Varian pulled her forward so she could see more.

Inside the cradle was a small infant, with white curls and lovely dark skin. The baby had pointy ears like the fae and tiny little hands and feet, which were kicking as the baby looked up at them. The baby’s eyes were the most precious green, like seafoam.

“She’s ours, if you want her.” Varian let go of Amren’s hand so he could pick up the little girl. She tucked into his chest, one of her hands making a fist as she grabbed onto his shirt. It was exactly how Tarquin’s daughter acted when held by her father.

“How?” Was all Amren could manage to say.

“One of our patrols found her near the border, completely and utterly alone. She couldn’t have been older than a few days and as hard as they tried to find her family they couldn’t. They waited to see if someone would come to claim her, and when no one did they informed Tarquin. Amren, don’t you see? We wanted a child, so the Mother gave us one.”

Amren’s breathing became unsteady as she looked at the small girl. “What if I’m a terrible mother?”

“You won’t be, I’m certain of it. Amren I’ve – I’ve already signed the certificates making her officially my daughter. We’ll wait for you, if you need some time.”

Amren knew from that statement that Varian was one-hundred percent in this, and his confidence in himself made her feel better about her being a parent too. Even if she did everything wrong, if she was absolutely terrible at being a mother, Varian would be good enough of a father to make up for it.

Amren walked forward and peered at the tiny baby, her green eyes staring curiously back. Amren put out a hand and ran a finger down her soft cheek, and in response the baby closed her eyes. And just like that, she was asleep.

Amren looked up at Varian and held out her arms. With a smile on his face, he handed the baby to her to hold. Amren shuddered a breath with the baby in her arms, and she knew the truth. This baby was her daughter, and she would try to be the best mother she could be.

“Our baby,” Amren sniffled.

“I love you.”

“I will never be able to thank you enough, my love.”

3



I made this little comic for the Expression Challenge, after @pikacheeka asked for Virus A2 and Trip A5. For Herrscher, it’s a bonus, because I was inspired (and because jealous Hershy gives me life… I mean just imagine Welter coming right after and tease him about it, aah).

I hope you like it, even if I made it months after you asked. :’D

[The asks for the Expression Challenge are closed]

it’s gotten to the point again where i’m always checking in on other people and putting everyone else before me that i don’t even realize i’m falling apart and i’m too paranoid and self-conscious to say anything because i’m not about to be a burden again :)))))))) and like everyone just assumes i don’t know how bad it can get :)))) and they all assume that they know everything about me :)) so i just need a break :))))))) so basically if you’ve messaged me in the last couple weeks and i haven’t responded don’t take it personally i just honestly don’t have the energy to hold a conversation with anyone

2

T: She took me to the Sugarcube Corner to “only have a milkshake”, she said, but when we arrived everything was dark, and empty, with a big table on the center. I was confused while Pinkie looked very, very excited. She made me sit down and then disappeared, with a grin in her face. A few seconds later Rarity showed up, dressed in weird clothes, and started, like, randomly recite something. The moment she said “Be…” I realized what was going on and took my hands to my mouth, preparing myself for what was gonna come next… I couldn’t believe any of it. But yes, I loved it. After that, we all shared tons of laughs and ate together all the food made for the occasion. I wish I could relive it again…

P: You know, I could make some calls and…

T: No, Pinkie. It was lovely, but we won’t bother our friends for that.

P: Aww…

Deep Star Trek TOS Asks
  • Kirk: Tell me about a time you had to take a leadership role.
  • Spock: What kind of sacrifices have you made for others?
  • Uhura: Talk about the moment you were the most proud of yourself.
  • Bones: Describe your closest relationships.
  • Sulu: What is your relationship like to the world around you?
  • Chekov: How do you support your friends?
  • Scotty: Talk about a time you succeeded (or failed) in fixing a major problem.
  • Chapel: What have you gained, or what consequences have you faced, from pursuing your passions?
  • Rand: How do you stay positive in bad situations?
  • Enterprise: Tell me when/where you felt most at-home, like you belonged.
  • Khan: Tell me about a person you would do anything to protect.
  • Corbomite: What's the worst lie you've ever told?
  • Deneva: Have you ever lost a loved one? How did you grieve?
  • Empath: Talk about the time you needed someone the most. Did they come through for you?
  • Psi 2000: What are you really like, under everything?
  • Horta: What do you do when you feel lonely and isolated?
  • Talos IV: What would you do if someone you loved betrayed you?
  • Organia: How do you react when you're proven wrong?
  • Farragut: Has something ever happened to you that you just can't let go?
  • Shore Leave: Describe your ideal life.
little all too well things
  • the first line is ‘i walked through the door with you’ which to me is so interesting because this image of crossing the threshold suggests them both bravely entering something new together
  • ‘the air was cold but something ‘bout it felt like home somehow’ is kind of sad don’t you think??? i have always wondered if the cold air feels like home because she’s been treated so coldly in the past??
  • and if we take it that way then the fact that she left her ‘scarf there at your sister’s house’ is like taylor giving up her defenses against the cold way the world has treated her in order to trust him
  • and he still has it in his drawer even now??? she gave away her defenses against the coldness of the world and she never got them back!!! he left her vulnerable.
  • like i mentioned in a previous post taylor uses cars and travelling as a metaphor for relationships of different kinds so them ‘singing in the car getting lost upstate’ suggests how comfortable they felt in their relationship and how long term they thought it was going to be 
  • autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place is like a punch in the face every single time because to me it means ‘when i saw all of nature dying and coming to an end it reminded me of us’ what a thing to say wow their relationship was blossoming but now is decaying and they are spiraling uncontrollably???? what a powerful image!!!
  • again with the car metaphors ‘you almost ran the red ‘cause you were looking over at me’ seems to suggest how they almost ignored all the warnings signs that they needed to end their relationship because they were so caught up in each other
  • i feel like the phrase ‘i was there’ is so important in this song because it shows the distance that taylor feels from the relationship now like it’s not ‘wind in my hair, i am there’ because it’s impossible to revisit those moments and live in them again
  • alternatively i feel like maybe it’s ‘i was there’ because it was her ‘old self’ that she mentions later who had all those beautiful lovely memories and she is not that girl anymore she ‘was’ but not now
  • i always thought that the description of ‘a little kid in glasses in a twin size bed’ is so sweet because it emphasises how big and lonely everything seemed when he was younger and how much growing he had to do
  • ‘you taught me ‘bout your past thinking your future was me’ is also so cute because he is teaching her so she can take over and write his future in the best possible way??? he is literally trusting her with his entire future???
  • ‘lost in translation’ is a beautiful way of saying that they could not communicate with each other but to me it has always meant that they could not adapt to each other’s worlds without losing an essential part of themselves much like when a book is adapted for film for example 
  • now for my favourite line of the whole song okay ‘but maybe this thing was a masterpiece before you tore it all up’ is so interesting because it brings into question beauty and value and whether something is only beautiful for as long as you can own it and it is tangible, like an old famous painting, for example, or whether it remains valuable and precious long after it is destroyed because it is the thoughts and people it inspired that had true value. this idea is revisited in sad beautiful tragic when taylor seems to decide that something can be beautiful and ruined simultaneously and that things do not cease to be beautiful when they are over (just like those autumn leaves falling earlier in the song)
  •  this song is just full of powerful images and ‘a crumpled up piece of paper lying there’ is so interesting because a piece of blank paper holds so many possibilities it is literally a symbol of untapped potential so the idea of her being a crumpled up piece of paper suggests all that potential between them being discarded all those pages of their love story that will now forever remain unwritten
  • this is a tiny thing but the repetition in the line that follows of ‘but i remember it all, all, all… too well’ just to me feels like taylor being trapped in the moment unable to move forwards to the next word and mirrors her being trapped in her grief about this relationship

y’all ever think about how Victor is such a genuinely nice person?? even when he was lonely and everything felt dull to him he was still so nice and upbeat and didn’t take it out on anyone else.. like I realize thats a really minor thing to praise him for but i just think it’s kinda bittersweet that he stayed a good and caring person even while going through a hard time

Just wondering

Why everyone thinks that Ayato and Kaneki hates each other? I don’t think there’s a hatred they feel towards each other anymore. Besides, are you sure Kaneki ever hates Ayato? I don’t think so. Yeah Ayato hated him when he was a lonely “child” who hates “everything” but just power “in the past” But something has changed since the end of orginal Tokyo Ghoul. Ayato has changed a lot. I love his character development.

Six Ways to be Lonely

‘Usually we regard loneliness as an enemy. It’s restless and pregnant and hot with desire to escape and find something or someone to keep us company. When we rest in the middle of it, we begin to have a nonthreatening relationship with loneliness, a cooling loneliness that turns our usual fearful patterns upside down. There are six ways of describing this kind of cool loneliness:

1. Less desire is the willingness to be lonely without resolution when everything in us years for something to change our mood.

2. Contentment means that we no longer believe that escaping our loneliness is going to bring happiness or courage or strength.

3. Avoiding unnecessary activities means that we stop looking for something to entertain us or to save us.

4. Complete discipline means that at every opportunity, we’re willing to come back to the present moment with compassionate attention.

5. Not wandering in the world of desire is about relating directly with how things are, without trying to make them okay.

6. Not seeking security from one’s discursive thoughts means no longer seeking the companionship of constant conversation with ourselves.’

- Pema Chodron, Comfortable With Uncertainty.