one of the old sailors I work with repairing historical crafts is a typical grumpy old man who always criticises my work, and I usually have a bit of banter back and forth with him where he teases me and I come back with a zinger that leaves him looking slightly impressed despite himself. anyway, today we were working alone repairing the mast and we had our typical banter, then he said “I finally brought my grandson here last week but he didn’t enjoy it and I don’t think he’ll be back again.” and he was quiet for a moment and said “can I tell you a secret? I’m glad you’re here.” then he got embarrassed and went right back to being grumpy and telling me I wasn’t using the tools properly.
but it’s too late. I know. and I spent the whole time grinning at him like
if u arent a sharks fan, join us!!!! here is 10 reasons why u should be a sharks fan (id attach pictures to complete the clickbait-y theme but im on mobile so)
1) dads. theyre all dads. sweet old men who just want (and deserve imho) a cup
2) theyre pretty good! theyre overall a strong team and know how to play well and balance both offense and defense (unless theyre playing a bad team then they forget how to hockey but it is what it is)
3) have u seen baby pavelski and babies burns??? cutest babies. the sharks have the cutest babies
4) the mascot is a shark like. how cool. and when they take the ice at home games they go thru a giant shark head. its rad
5) along with the dads, there’s also cutie pies like chris tierney and logan couture and Aaron dell! and tomas hertl is an angel tbh hes the cutest and sweetest and happiest little dude.
6) saved martin jones from the kings. he went undrafted and was the kings backup for a couple years (he won a cup with them and i have mixed emotions about it). and now hes our starter!!!! and he’s super good!!!!! and super nice!!!!! and super cute if u ignore the dead shark eyes he gets during losses and how he forgets to blink sometimes. he also really likes avocados and venturing outside of his crease
7) all of the kids??? the barracuda and the rookies??????????? are beautiful. theyre all beautiful and adorable and sweet. plus the barracuda are a really good team.
8) brent burns is single handedly saving the jersey number 88. whatta guy. hes also third in points overall!!!!! and he’s a defenseman!!!!!!!!!! the only guys in front of him are mcdavid and crosby so he’s first in points of real actual human beings in the nhl!!!
9) the players are super funny and unproblematic and theres no drama. theyre just a bunch of chill dudes playin hockey and havin a good time doing it. the most problematic thing is how confusing the captaincy situation has been over the past few years
10) overall just!!! the best team!!! theyre so good. the fans are great the org is great the players are great. please love them!!!
prompt: reader is secretly dating Draco, even thought she’s apart of the golden trio
you had never been good at keeping secrets. From a young age you’d try to lie about things but you’d cave in and confess the truth. But being friends with the golden trio and dating the Slytherin prince made you toughen up and keep it hidden.
It had been months, around 10 since you began dating, and still nobody knew. Draco was sat in the library with his Slytherin friends, laughing probably at a muggle. You were sat on a table with Ron next to you and Hermione and Harry across from you. You stared at your boyfriend from the other side of the library, admiring his beauty. “Y/n why are you staring at Malfoy?!” Hermione proclaimed, shocked at the fact that you even glanced at the platinum blonde
“I wasn’t” you said quickly, hoping she’d let it go. “Mmhm okay whatever” Ron joked, knocking his elbow into your upper arm. “I wasn’t! And I have to go, I need to go see professor Snape about our homework” you explained, rising from the table and grabbing your book bag. “I’ll see you guys later” you told them, tightening your Gryffindor robe. You were nearly out of the library when you felt an arm grab you, you screamed when a hand wrapped around your mouth. You turned around to be faced with your boyfriend. “Draco! You nearly scarred me to death” you laughed, still recovering from your freight. “Sorry love, I just wanted to see you in private” Draco said, slowly stepping closer to you until he was pressing his chest against yours
you leaned up to place a kiss on Draco’s lips. You placed your lips on his, enjoying the sweet taste until you heard your worst nightmare. “Y/N?!” you turned around so fast you nearly got whiplash. Hermione, Ron and Harry were standing there, Hermione looking so mad that fumes were going to come out of her ears. “H-hey guys..erm whatta you doing here?” You questioned, trying to lighten the load. “The real question is why are you snogging Malfoy?” Ron questioned, his eyes switching between Draco and yourself
“I’m dating her Weasley, you got a problem with that?” Draco spat, leaning against the bookshelf. “YOUR WHAT?” Screamed Harry as looked between the two of you. “Surprise?” You nervously said, smiling at the trio.
and that was how you got ‘grounded’ by your three friends
(okay so I get so many submissions and I forget they are there so I never post them so I’m going to try and post as many as possible very soon, love you guys 💕 p.s WHAT A CUTIE OMG APPRECIATE THIS CUTE BOY YALL)
OKAY so I got a number of submissions for drunk rant topics and this is the winner. I appreciate allllll of your suggestions (even though I’m suspicious that a few of them came from the same person because the format was spot-on exactly the same, you cheater) but DUH, THE BARD. And to whoever said ‘feminism’: Bruh. This is Tumblr. You do a drunk rant on feminism and no matter what you say someone will find a reason to send you death threats and I’m officially too drunk for that sort of nutfuckery so we’re gonna go with Shakespare. SHAKESPARE. SHAKESPARE. I have now typed it wrong three times in a row and I give up, so fuck that, moving right along.
It’s hard to pick one play out of >37 that is objectively ‘the best’ but this is my blog so you get my opinion on the matter. A digression: ‘the best’ and ‘my favorite’ are not necessarily synonymous. A hint: They’re not. My favorite is Macbeth. But I think the best one is King Lear. KING LEAR. KING LEEEEEAAARRRR. Guys I fucking love this play but few people on Tumblr have ever read it because it’s not commonly assigned in high school or college and let’s be honest 90% of Tumblrers fall into that broad category of ‘students.’ So first things first, time for a drunk synopsis:
King Lear is the story of a legendary (read: possibly fictional, nobody knows) kind of Albion (read: Britain) who was supposedly a descendant of Brutus of Troy, who was the ‘founder’ of Britain and a descendant of the Trojan hero Aeneas. A brief history lesson: ALL ROADS LEAD BACK TO THE ILIAD. But I’ve probably ranted about that enough so back to Lear. The play opens with what’s essentially a retirement party for King Lear, who decides to divide up his kingdom between his three daughters—Goneril, Regan, and Cordelia—based on how much they say they love him. If that sounds absolutely batshit fucking stupid, that’s because it batshit fucking is. Now Cordelia is the youngest and the only one who’s not essentially a terrible person, but when it comes time for her to speak up and say how much she loves Daddy, she says she can’t because there are no words to accurately describe the depths of her love. Because Lear is a fucking drama queen, he’s not okay with this, disowns her on the spot and tells her potential suitors, the King of fucking France and the Duke of Burgundy that if either of them still want her she’s up for grabs, like she’s the last fucking slice of pizza or some shit. Burgundy’s a dick and he’s just like “No dowry? Nah man, not so much,” but France is a straight-up kind-hearted admirable dude and he’s like, “Brah. This is fucked up. Your daughter’s a fucking queen and since you don’t realize it gimme her and I’ll MAKE her one.” Whatta guy. Exit Cordelia.
So Part B of Lear’s plan is basically to kick back and let his two elder daughters’ husbands rule the kingdom for him, but this doesn’t work out quite like he planned because OH HEY, BLATANT SHOWS OF FAVORITISM ARE KIND OF A BAD IDEA, AND THEY MAKE THE KIDS WHO AREN’T YOUR FAVORITES NOT LIKE YOU SO MUCH. So now that kiss-up Cordy’s gone, Regan and Goneril are like, “Step back, it’s our turn, motherfuckers,” and drop their dear-old-Dad on his ass. He doesn’t like this, of course, but he’s voluntarily given up his power and there ain’t a whole lot he can do.
Let’s take a detour now and talk about Edmund and Edgar. So these two guys are a major plot point cleverly disguised as a subplot. They’re both sons of the Earl of Gloucester, but here’s the difference: Egar’s legitimate, born of the Earl’s lawful wife. Edmund, not so much. And this is enough for Gloucester to basically treat his second-born son like garbage even though IT’S KIND OF NOT HIS FAULT THAT YOU COULDN’T KEEP YOUR DICK TO YOURSELF. FATHER OF THE FUCKING YEAR, I THINK NOT. But basically Edmund’s tired of the world shitting on him because he was born out of wedlock and decides to fuck shit up, mostly just because he can.
Right, now I don’t want to ruin the whole play for you, but here’s a basic summary of how all this idiocy plays out: Edmund frames his half-brother for patricide and takes his place as Gloucester heir apparent, Edgar disguises himself as a cracked out hobo and goes running around on the ‘heath’ (Shakespeare loved himself some fucking heaths) where he hangs out with Lear and his Fool (who have no idea who he is because disguises in Shakespeare’s plays are some straight like Witness Protection Program shit, nobody ever gets recognized) and they all get caught in a storm. Meanwhile, Regan and her crazy-ass husband the Duke of Cornwall accuse Gloucester of treason (again mostly just because they can) and RIP HIS FUCKING EYEBALLS OUT because why the fuck not. Cornwall gets in a fight with a servant and dies. Goneril fights with her husband, the Duke of Albany, because basically he’s a stand-up guy and he’s raining all over her treasonous parade. Edmund flirts aggressively with both elder Lear sisters. All this shit comes back to bite everyone in the ass and a war starts. Cordelia and the King of France show up again just in time to save the day, but not before OH WAIT stab stab stab hanging poison suicide everyone dies. Except Kent, Albany and Edgar, who basically stand around at the end going, “Wow, this is fucked up. Let’s not do this again, okay? Okay.”
Annnnnnd curtain call.
So now I’mma tell you why this is the best play and I’mma do it in bullet form because I am too lazy for any more actual paragraphs:
This is seriously the most convoluted and fucked up piece of theatre to ever exist. Everyone is a terrible person except like three of them and literally all of this could have been avoided.
But THAT’S WHY IT’S SO BRILLIANT. It could have been avoided if not for *drumroll* HUMAN FUCKING NATURE. We as a species fucking suck. We’re dicks to our kids for things they can’t control and then they grow and wreak absolute fucking havoc because they all have fuck off massive Daddy Issues.
The variety of characters here is amazing. They range from angelic and boring (Cordelia) to satanic and fascinating (Goneril, you magnificent shameless bitch) and literally everything inbetween. We all know that I’m fucking obsessed with Edmund but he’s just the tip of the iceberg. Everyone in this play is a gem.
It’s frigging tragic (HELLO it’s a TRAGEDY) but it’s also funny as fuck. One of my favorite lines in the whole Shakespearean canon comes from Albany, who’s fed the fuck up with Regan and Goneril’s bullshit and when they’re arguing over Edmund at the end he just turns to Regan and goes, “If you’re going to propose to someone, it might as well be me because my slut of a wife has apparently bailed on me. Good fucking riddance.”
The men are great, but SO ARE THE WOMEN. There’s not just one great female role here, but THREE. Regan, Cordelia, and Goneril are all absolutely rad and they run this shit. Hell fucking yeah. That doesn’t happen often in Renaissance anything.
I don’t even know what else to say. King Lear is tragic and fucked up and frightening and funny and beautiful and it should be required reading for life. Here’s a quote to whet your appetite:
These late eclipses in the sun and moon portend no good to us: though the wisdom of nature can reason it thus and thus, yet nature finds itself scourged by the sequent effects: love cools, friendship falls off, brothers divide: in cities, mutinies; in countries, discord; in palaces, treason; and the bond cracked ‘twixt son and father. This villain of mine comes under the prediction; there’s son against father: the king falls from bias of nature; there’s father against child. We have seen the best of our time: machinations, hollowness, treachery, and all ruinous disorders, follow us disquietly to our graves.
So, in conclusion: King Lear is a motherfucking masterwork from a motherfucking mastermind, thank you goodnight.