whatever the fat one is named

Most iconic moments from Hamilton
  • Don’t act surprised, you guys, cUZ I WROTE ‘UM - OWWWW
  • “I’m a general, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
  • “My dog speaks more eloquently”
  • “Where have you been” “Uhhh, France.”
  • We’re reliable with the LADIEEEES
  • I will send a fully armed battalion to remind you of my love, Da dada da daa
  • Imagine what go’n happen if you try to tax our whiskeyyyyyy
  • “and Peggy…”
  • nEVER GO’N BE PRESIDENT NOW - never go’n be president now
  • We had a spy on the inside, that’s right - HERCULES MULLIGAN
  • “Who’s the best?” “C’est Moi”
  • Uh do whatever you want I’M SUPER DEAD
  • Hey, turn around, bend over, I’mma show you where my shoe fits
  • And when I meet Thomas Jefferson I’mma compel him to include women in the sequel - WERK
  • “Burr?” “Sir?” “Close the door on your way out”
  • “My name is Phillip, I am a poet, I wrote this poem just to show it”

the same guys posting photos in rompers and saying they should be able to wear whatever they want without being called a name are the same ones who have the most to say about what they think fat women shouldn’t wear

Clone Wars and Rebels character summaries Part 5:


1. No ones likes him


1. Kills villagers for fun. What a dick.

2. Asshole.

3. Unresolved sexual tension with Legless Psychopath. The relationship ended badly.

4. Black lightsaber. Shaped like a samurai sword. Can you say “awesome”?

5. Wants to overthrow Actual Pacifist ‘cause she peaceful but he he prefer violence.

6. Cool armor.

7. Christopher Fuckin’ Lee gave him a scar on his face.

8. Voiced by that one dude from the Iron Man movies.

9. Made a deal with Boring Love Interest, but it didn’t go well.

10. Leader of a bunch of other domestic terrorists.


1. Loyal to Domestic Terrorist.

2. Is she in love with him? Is he a father/brother to her? Is she simply loyal because they share similar beliefs? It’s pretty ambiguous.

3. Pretty awesome for someone who was only in 5 episodes.

4. Actual Pacifist’s much more violent sister.

5. Hates Legless Psychopath.

6. Anti-villain.

7. Badass.

8. Bisexual.


1. Deserves better than this.

2. Surprisingly badass for someone who hates violence.

3. In love with Sassmaster. They exchange tons of sassy banter.

4. Betrayed by Prime Minister Almanac or whatever his name is.

5. Her nephew has the worst name ever and prolly gets made fun of at school.

6. Ventrobi shippers hate her.


1. No one likes him either.

2. The other fat fuck’s uncle.

3. Camp Straight.


1. Boring.

2. Bisexual Disaster’s love interest.

3. Pussy.

4. Thought making a deal with Domestic Terrorist would be a good idea for some reason?

5. Fucking idiot.

6. Hates Christopher Fuckin’ Lee ‘cause he fridged his mum.

7. His mum is more interesting than him and deserved better.

8. Oddly, even tho I hate him, I actually do like all the episodes he appears in. Weird, right?


1. Seriously, just look at her. She’s fucking creepy.

2. Leader of the Voodoo-Bitch Clan.

3. Mother of Legless Psychopath and Under Appreciated.

4. Once did some freaky voodoo doll shit to Christopher Fuckin’ Lee.

5. Kind of a mentor to Boss Ass Bitch.

6. One of the few people powerful enough to fight Magnificent Bastard.


1. Overshadowed by his much more popular brother.

2. Used to be a nice honorable guy but then Nightmare Fuel gave him some Force-Magic-Super-Steroids and he became a dick.

3. Bara alien. 

4. Woked for Boss Ass Bitch, then pretended to work for Christopher Fuckin’ Lee to help Boss Ass Bitch get revenge on him.

5. Betrayed both of them.

6. Found his bro as a hobo in the dump, and worked for him instead.

7. Headbutted Aladdin Gladiator(or whatever her name is) to death. Then stabbed her with his lightsaber just to make sure she was dead.

8. Decapitated a bunch of crime lords at the same time.

9. Growls a lot.


1. Space pirate.

2. Fucking hilarious.

3. Often drunk.

4. Sold some rocket launchers to Bisexual Disaster and her friends to help them overthrow an evil king.

5. And then a few weeks later he attacked her ship(which had 6 kids on it), captured her, and attempted to sell her for profit.

6. Friends with one of the kids and probably has to babysit her and the other kids sometimes.

7. Knew Bubba Feet’s dad.


1. Is blu.

2. No nose. How does he smell? Terrible!

3. Badass.

4. Rocket boots.

5. Nice hat.

6. Took a bunch of politicians hostage onece.


1. Is an asshole.

2. Everyone wishes he was never born.

sibbinthegivengibbon  asked:

Character + Headcanons: Yugi Mutou

My son, I can finally talk about him…

-I know a lot of people have this headcanon as well, but Yugi having his leather clothes before finishing the puzzle. He bought them, thinking he could try to pull off the style, but got too scared about it and decided it was just something to wear in his room alone. Yami Yugi found them while trying to find an intimidating outfit for meeting Ushio (he wasn’t gonna fight looking like he was about to go to bed). Didn’t bother changing out of the clothes, Yugi slept in them, woke up, and decided… hey, these actually look good, but I’m gonna wear my uniform shirt over the leather tank top.

-Post-dsod, I mentioned it earlier this week, but Yugi gets the same sort of computer program that Kaiba has in his head. He uses it while he works for Kaiba Corp. He also uses it to duel AI!Atemu, who is rather fun to duel

-Yugi is ambidextrous, but uses his right hand more cause of card games

-He’s chubby until a bit after Death-T, when he starts working out a bit, ends up with a body more like Atemu’s, but he’s still forever stuck with baby fat on him (especially on his face)

-He always spends one night a week with Ryou, doing whatever. Usually they play RPGs, and yes, they both do LARPing

-Yugi can do the splits, he’s also very flexible, he doesn’t show it off much cause… meh. Anzu likes to have him around when she does dance practice cause he’s a good partner

-When he gets ownership of the game shop, Jounouchi becomes his roommate and they run it together 

-He can solve Rubik’s cubes blindfolded. Even he doesn’t know how he does it

-He gets Atemu’s name tattooed on him, but he won’t say where

-When he’s an old man, he carries on Grandpa’s legacy by becoming a legendary gambler, suits and all. Also, yes, he does do archaeology later in life while being a gambler, but he also still works for Kaiba Corp as a game designer. 

Have a Kevin of the Day - Day Four

 The Day Kevin brought Caesar along

Day 4

Kevin: I’ll be there in 10!
Neil: okay

Neil tied his running shoes and grabbed his keys. “Andrew, I’m going for a run!” From his boyfriend came only a short, noncommittal reply. He had been busy with a new video game recently. This morning however, they both had read a post about Kevin that had gone viral on social media. ‘Kevin Day found his rebound!’ — Awfully soon after he had just broken up with Thea two weeks ago. Last night someone from his team had tweeted that single line and people went crazy about it. Kevin himself had not commented on it yet and Neil was more than a little curious. He went outside to wait for his friend.

Kevin, as usual, showed up on time for their run. What caught Neil’s eye though was the new furry companion at his side. Black and white with blue eyes, a husky stayed close on Kevin’s heels.

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Prompt:  I was wondering if you would write a Gabriel x female reader fic for me? Where people are born with a black tattoo that represents their soulmate. Hers is golden wings on her back which is really unusual, because of their color. She normally hunts with the Winchesters, but has taken a few cases without them and Gabriel has been helping her out on some of those hunts. He is drawn to her and doesn’t understand why. 

Word count: 3,638

Warnings: None, I don’t think

Author’s Note: Finally, a Gabriel fic. Ramadan’s over, and so is Eid, so I get to get my schedule back on track. Hopefully that means more writing and a start of the new series >.> 

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- that time in PP3 when Fat Amy tells Chloe about Beca’s Toner...

[The Bella’s are gathered in a group on the dance floor at the basecamp following their final performance of their USO tour. The lights are low and the music is pumping and they all dance and move and laugh and drink together. The only Bella missing is Beca, who had disappeared almost the moment they had arrived there. Chloe had tried to find her but had felt the responsibility to her Bella’s and the importance of their final night together before they flew back to their respective lives.]

[Fat Amy tugs Chloe aside, swaying slightly from the alcohol she’s consumed. Aubrey sees this from across the dance floor and begins to make her way through the crowd of troops and their family members.]

Fat Amy: Listen Red, there’s something you really need to know. Beca, she really likes you.

Chloe: Amy I know.

Fat Amy: No I don’t mean like a friend! I mean, Beca really likes you!

[Chloe has an amused smile on her face.]

Chloe: Amy I know!

Fat Amy: She really loves you.

[Aubrey arrives by Fat Amy’s side, furrowing her brow at the woman as she continues.]

Fat Amy: She has a huge toner for you. Like, huge!

[Fat Amy spreads her arms out wide in an attempt to provide a visual of how big Beca’s toner for Chloe is. Chloe is still smiling, as is Aubrey, though they both have furrowed brows, wondering how far Amy could take this.]

Fat Amy: Like, she’d give it to you in a heartbeat. She may be small but…

Aubrey: Okay Amy…

[Aubrey brings a hand up to Fat Amy’s shoulder to try to stop her but the Australian keeps talking and Chloe brings a hand to her forehead in embarrassment.]

Fat Amy: …she loves you so much you’d definitely not be leaving her bed dissatisfied. You know what I mean?

Aubrey: Sadly I think we all know what you mean!

Fat Amy: So you need to tell her how you feel, you know? Then you can put her out of her misery.

Aubrey: Alright Amy…

Fat Amy: Because she’s been so miserable this tour seeing you with Fabio-

Aubrey: Chicago.

Fat Amy: Exactly. She’s been a nightmare to be around. I hate seeing our little DJ heartbroken.

Chloe: You do realise none of this is my fault Amy. If she’d have just said something…

Fat Amy: Um Earth to Chloe! Beca Mitchell doesn’t talk about her feelings. She was hardly going to walk up to you and declare her love for you while you were going gaga for Chicane.

Aubrey: Close.

[Fat Amy turns to look at Aubrey wondering what she meant. Aubrey offers the man’s actual name.]

Aubrey: Chicago.

Fat Amy: Whatever. I’ve just had enough. Beca deserves to know how you feel about her.

[Chloe bites her bottom lip because she knows Fat Amy is right. But she’s technically still ‘dating’ Chicago. Chloe looks to Aubrey.]

Chloe: Aubrey?

Aubrey: I’m with Amy on this one. You need to tell Beca. Whatever happens after that is up to the two of you.

Chloe: Right. I’m going to have to find Chicago…

[Chloe takes a deep breath then a smile creeps onto her face]

Chloe: So Beca loves me huh?

[Aubrey and Fat Amy both groan, acting as though they’ve been through a long and awful experience, both speaking at the same time]

Fat Amy: She’s crazy for you! You’re literally all she talks about!

Aubrey: I’ve never seen anyone so infuriatingly discreet about how much they love someone! It’s been the worst!

[The two women freeze as they see Chicago approach from behind Chloe and wrap his arm around the redhead’s waist, placing a kiss on her cheek. Chloe smiles, but it’s forced. All three women feel awkward.]

Chicago: There you are. I was looking for you.

Chloe: Here I am!

Aubrey: Sooooo…we’re going to leave you two alone.

[Fat Amy furrows her brow, looking at Aubrey as though it’s a terrible idea, but upon seeing Aubrey’s facial expression immediately realises why she’s said it.]

Fat Amy: Right, yeah…um…shots?

Aubrey: Maybe not. But I could sure do with a drink!

Chicago: Great take my…

[But Aubrey and Fat Amy dash off before Chicago can finish his sentence.]

Chicago: …wallet.

[Chloe feels her heart racing. She’s never been the one to break up with someone. She’s always the one who others have broken up with, many men having struggled with her intensity which has slowly been worn down over the years. So she decides she’ll ride the rest of the night out, and hold off breaking up with him until the perfect occasion arises. She was due to leave for America tomorrow, so it probably wouldn’t come as a surprise to him. She was probably unlikely to find Beca tonight anyway, such was the amount of people on the base at the moment. Though a part of her had always suspected that if they were meant to be, she could find Beca in a heartbeat if she wished it hard enough.]


Did you hear the joke about the fat kid who always wears headphones? He wears them so he doesn’t have to hear your lame-ass fat jokes ‘cause, believe me, I’ve heard them all. And this is my senior year. It’s supposed to be the best year of my life, but, instead, I’m a no-name transfer from Chicago, and not one of these McKinley douchebags has bothered to talk to me. Whatever. Who needs them? I’ve got my boys: Tupac, Hendrix, Jagger, Sinatra. Music might be my only friend, but it’s the only friend that I need. Still … wouldn’t kill me to meet some people here. Maybe … make some friends? Some real friends.

In another life, he and the kid would have never met.

He thinks about that sometimes watching his boy walk from one end of the Sanctuary to the other, maintaining order among the Saviors as he’s been doing since he took his place at Negan’s right hand, Lucille as a warning over his shoulder. Kid would’ve grown up in Atlanta, or wherever the fuck his family’s from. Gone to the public schools there and briefly resented his dad for being a police officer, tried out for soccer or some other generic sport his thin waif of a body could handle. One of the only things Negan knows about Carl’s mom, now, still, three months into knowing him, is that she was the only one adamant about his hair being cut, so it’s entirely probable he wouldn’t have the tail, either. Top in all his classes. Whip-smart kid like him, except for that rebellious teenage phase they all go through. Taken a girl to prom, flower in his jacket, big smiles for the camera. Meanwhile Negan would’ve stayed up here, in Virginia, with his wife and any children they might’ve had if the fucking—if what happened hadn’t happened, and coached baseball to those ungrateful shits at the high school, and never known Carl at all.

It wouldn’t have mattered to him, had the apocalypse not happened. He wouldn’t have even known some kid named Carl Grimes existed. But here they are, now, together, and Negan hasn’t felt lucky about anything in a long damn time—

But how great a life would that other one have been, really, with the fucking paycheck and the car note and Carl living over two hundred fucking miles away?

As though sensing he’s being thought of Carl shifts in Negan’s arms, waking. It’s the earliest hours of the morning, no one’s up yet except Negan, who doesn’t sleep much as it is, and probably fuckin’ Fat Joseph, who for whatever reason still lives on pre-apocalypse all-nighter-video-game time. The sky outside the window has just started to lighten and in the soft lilacs and lavenders Negan can just see Carl’s face as he rolls over, opening his eye for a brief moment like he’s checking something before shutting it again and burrowing down against Negan’s chest and into his neck. Small soft lithe perfect thing that he is.

Negan tightens his fingers on the small of Carl’s back. Closes his eyes. It’s rough out there, fucking impossible to live without constantly looking over your shoulder, fucking impossible to trust anyone anymore, but even so he’ll be damned before he’ll ever let this go.

the Night With A Thousand Eyes

This is a concept for an “alternate” season 3 of Sam & Max that I have admittedly put way too much Time into cooking up. And I fear it’s only gonna get more involved from here. But let’s just jump right in.

First of all, this “series” is called The Night With A Thousand Eyes because of a saying stating basically that. “The night has a thousand eyes”. Basically, it means that if you’re doing something, anything, you can be seen, and it particularly pertains to bad things, which corresponds nicely with “an idle mind is the Devil’s Playhouse”.

Basically, all of this is as flip-flopped as possible into the alternate timeline where the Max from the end of “The City That Dares Not Sleep” came from, where Sam gained electromagnetic powers and had to be destroyed.

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Heyho, would you mind writing Law, Killer, Doflamingo and Ace with their S/O being self-conscious about being over weight?

{hi there! here you are, my dear } 


The surgeon’s eyes squinted. his lips pursed in a scowl. He watched from the bed they shared his s/o getting dressed. Well, getting dressed wasn’t exactly what they were doing. Being unaware of Law waking up they took off the shirt and tried on another one. The piece of cloth was too big for them, but they turned around anyway examining their form in the mirror. Another frown settled on (Name)’s face. They hated their body so much, doesn’t matter what they wore it looked horrible. For a moment they just stared at their reflection feeling disappointed with themselves. They took off the over-sized t-shirt and put on the normal one. There was no point in hiding it, they were fat and disgusting. Their lip started to tremble.

“Yeah, I like that one better too.” Deep voice made them jump.

“L-law…” They could feel their cheeks getting hot. There was dangerous glint in Law’s eyes and they could’t help but wonder if he finds them disgusting too. 

“(Name).” Law’s voice was calm, but stern. The surgeon get up from the bed, the sight of his perfect lean body made them feel even worse. Their hands instinctively moved to cover their chubby body. “I saw everything, (Name)…” Law wrapped arms around their waist pressing chest against their back. “…and it was beautiful. You’re perfect to me. Don’t hate yourself.” He whispered burying face in crook of their neck.


(Name)’s breath hitched when Killer’s fingers brushed against sensitive spot on their hip. Corners of his lips turned upwards at their reaction. Encouraged by it he let his fingers wander higher revealing more of their skin.

“Wait…” They gasped looking up at him, the pirate could see nervousness in their eyes. His hand stopped immediately.

“We can stop now.”

“No…” (Name) gulped, but didn’t look away despite embarrassment they felt, their eyes bore in unmasked face of their man. “…you showed me your face, so I want you to see me too. That was a deal, right?” 

“You don’t have to force yourself.” 

“I’m not. You should know what you’re getting into.” They let out dry laugh.

Killer only rolled eyes in response. 

“I didn’t fall for you for your body just like you didn’t fall for my face. I love you for your personality and your look is just an additional asset. So stop being so insecure because a few pounds less or more won’t change a thing.” 

(Name) stared at Killer with wide eyes lost for words. Not only he just confessed, but also said so many kind words they never thought they would hear from him. Their face lit up with happiness and they pulled him in sweet kiss.  

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What team would the Akatsuki be on Pokemon Go?

Let’s pretend Pokemon Go was playable in the Naruto universe. What teams would the members of the Akatsuki be on?

1. Pein

Team Mystic

Argues that Mystic is superior to everything else. No one knows why.

Pein: “Team Mystic is obviously the superior team when it comes to skills and intelligence. Doesn’t take a genius to understand that.”

2. Konan

Team Mystic

Doesn’t really care about the team rivalries.

Konan: “Honestly I only joined this team because Pein begged me to. I kinda preferred Instinct but….eh. The bird is pretty I guess.”

3. Itachi

Team Instinct

Liked the look of Zapdos. Also liked what Instinct stands for in regards to egg hatching.

Itachi: “There’s too much conflict between the other two teams. At least this one does it’s own thing without forming rivalries.”

4. Kisame

Team Instinct

Was late to get the game. Joined Instinct because of all the Spark memes. 

Kisame: “I love this team because the leader is a MEME now. Oh and I wanted to be on the same team as Itachi so everything worked out in the end!”

5. Deidara

Team Valor

Uses his bird to fly all over the place in one day looking for Pokemon. Picked Valor because they’re the “coolest”.

Deidara: “VALOR IS THE GREATEST I mean LOOK I literally just flew into the mist village and caught a Lapras and NO ONE COULD STOP ME!”

6. Sasori

Team Mystic

Doesn’t really play but joined Mystic because Pein did.

Sasori: “I caught a “Weedle” today whatever that is. That’s my third Pokey-mon so far. Deidara keeps yelling at me to play more.”

7. Kakuzu

Team Mystic

Agrees with Pein on the whole superior thing. Also did it so he wouldn’t have to be in the same team as Hidan.

Kakuzu: “I’m playing the game ONLY because it’s free. And I want to catch and name the lazy fat one Hidan. Then put him in a gym, let him die and never revive him.”

8. Hidan

Team Valor

Initially picked it because of the colour but then found out it was the team that gets associated with being hot headed and stupid. Wanted in on that.


9. Tobi

Team Valor

Picked it because Deidara did. Wants to be on the cool team.

Tobi: “Senpai!! We’re on the same team isn’t that cool! I’ve caught about 10 of those bird things and named them all after you!!”

10. Zetsu

Team Mystic/Team Instinct 

White Zetsu wanted Team Instinct. Black Zetsu wanted Team Mystic. So they created two accounts. 

Black Zetsu: “Okay seriously it’s my turn now let me change the account.”

White Zetsu: “No wait! I want to hatch all these 2km eggs first! I might get one of those egg things and then we can evolve it into the tree and call it Zetsu Jr!”

A Royal Affair

princess lily and prince james had hated each other, and detested their parents’ idea to unite their kingdoms, but the more time they spend together, the more things change. 
thank you so much to dee for being a fantastic beta-reader, I am forever indebted to you. as always, thank you to emily for promising me i don’t suck.
[read on fanfiction.net]


“Oh, Mother, please!” Lily whined, for the fiftieth time since their carriage had hit the road, a grand total of – nine minutes ago. She wrenched her wrist out of her mother’s grasp, pouting. “You promised we wouldn’t have to go anymore!”

“I lied,” her mother promptly replied, in a cheerful voice. “You have fun there, don’t you?”

Lily looked appalled. “That is not what I call fun,” she insisted. “Sitting around, listening to that arrogant prat and his idiotic best friends attempt to sound cool.”

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A Request:

So, I didn’t put this in the guidelines yet, but could you all do me a huge favor?

When your ask is a reply to another post, can you just reply to the post directly?

Like, we started a thread of positive fat characters. And almost no one reblogged or replied to the post. However, we got a good 20+ asks of people naming characters. Many of these asks were by the same people.

And that’s okay, I guess, but a little annoying. I’d much rather you all just reblog the posts and add whatever is is you have to say instead of sending us asks. It’s hard to reply to that many asks all about the same topic, and exhausting. And it just clutters the inbox and makes it harder for other people to access the information. You know? I bet people would have loved a super thread of good fat characters. Now, that’s not what they are going to get. 

I could understand it if it was that you were afraid and wanted your comment to be anonymous, but that’s not what you are all doing. So please, could you just reblog posts directly when you want to respond to them?

-Mod Bella


Did you hear the joke about the fat kid who always wears headphones? He wears them so he doesn’t have to hear your lame-ass fat jokes ‘cause believe me, I’ve heard them all. And this is my senior year, it's supposed to be the best year of my life but instead I’m a no-name transfer and not one of these McKinley douchebags has bothered to talk to me. Whatever. Who needs them? I’ve got my boys Tupac, Hendrix, Jagger, Sinatra. Music might be my only friend but it’s the only friend that I need.

im at the point where i know no one will want to date me, love me or whatever. it’s not the biggest deal to me but two people have had a legitimate crush on me. one called me every name imaginable because I wouldn’t date him , the other was a two year relationship off and on and it was damaging. im really over it and don’t think it’ll ever happen. plus im ugly and fat so that doesn’t help

Dr. Hannibal Lecter - Weirdly Attractive Villains #11

Hey, guys! Alright, so we’re gonna just jump right into this one. Our weirdly attractive villain for today is Dr. Hannibal Lecter as portrayed by Anthony Hopkins. (NOT Mads Mikkelsen.)

Anthony is clearly the superior Lecter here. Sorry, Mr. Cox.*

If you don’t know Hannibal Lecter, here’s a brief run-down.  Red Dragon - Will Graham figured out that Hannibal’s been killing and fucking eating people and Hannibal figures out that he’s figured it out so he tries to kill him and gets captured and locked up. Graham comes back to Lector and talks to him about the guy that’s been killing families (SPOILER: It’s Voldemort.)** Lector gives Voldemort Graham’s address and he tries to kill him. Also Voldemort bangs a blind girl and goes running about with his diddilybop boppin’ around. Truth.  The Silence of the Lambs - Clarice Starling (Jodie Foster) is a trainee at the FBI Academy and is sent by Jack Crawford to talk to Hannibal Lecter about Buffalo Bill, who’s been skinning fat girls to make a woman suit. 

This fucker right here.  And she basically has to form a weird relationship with him to figure out who the killer is before he kills the Tennessee senator’s daughter. Then he escapes after killing two guards and wears one of their faces and goes to some tropical area. And Clarice stumbles upon the killer, whose name is actually Jame Gumb, and saves the senator’s daughter, who, for whatever fucking reason, keeps the dog that Jame kept in the house. Oh, and Lecter eats the head of the hospital where he was kept for eight years because he was a big asshole to him. The end? No. Not the end.  Hannibal - Clarice, (now played by Julianne Moore,) is suffering scrutiny after killing a ruthless drug lord who had a baby strapped onto her chest, and her career in the FBI is being fucked up by Ray Liotta, (basically because Mason Verger,an old victim of Lecter’s, wants to lure him out of hiding to help Clarice and is paying Ray Liotta to be an asshole,) and also because she won’t suck his dick. Hannibal, now under the alias Dr. Fell, is living in Italy as a historian/educator/curator/librarian and this cop finds out about Verger’s reward deal and tries to capture Lecter, who disembowels him off of a balcony. Lecter comes back to help Clarice and Verger has him captured and kidnapped and brought to his house to be eaten by wild feral boars. Clarice comes to save him, she gets shot, Lecter gets out, Verger’s private physician feeds Verger to the boars, they escape and Lecter cleans up Clarice at Ray Liotta’s summer cabin and then feeds him his own brains. And this is where the plot gets shitty because they DIDN’T FOLLOW THE ENDING FROM THE FUCKING BOOK

You’d stop fucking up the ending.  Movie ending: Clarice tries to bash Lecter over the head, he locks her ponytail in the refrigerator door, he kisses her and taunts her with lovey shit, she handcuffs him to her, he cuts off his own hand and escapes to go who fucking knows where.  BETTER FUCKING BOOK ENDING: Lecter tries to get Clarice to become his dead sister Mischa through classical conditioning techniques, but Clarice fights it. She reminds Lecter that his sister can live on in his memories instead of through her, and then she offers her boob to him and they presumably have sex. They end up living together happily in Argentina. 

THEY BELONGED TOGETHER.  And I’m not gonna go into Hannibal Rising because Hopkins wasn’t in it, but I’ll just say that Lecter had some fucked up shit happen to him.  So, why is Doctor Lecter Attractive? 

How isn’t he?

Doctor Lecter isn’t one of those gloomy, looming, outwardly psychotic killers, he’s charming. He’s clever, he’s witty, he’s high society. You’d want to go to the opera with him. You’d go wine-tasting, you’d sit in his kitchen as he prepares a gourmet five-course dinner for fifteen of Baltimore’s finest patrons of the arts while he discusses with you only the most minute of details about his day because he’s a psychiatrist and a professional and he employs the utmost courteous confidentiality to his patients. 

And he has impeccable manners.

Everything about him reads: class. He killed the flutist from the orchestra because his playing ruined the sound. He prefers to “eat the rude.” Even while imprisoned, he was kind and polite to his orderlies, (except for that one lady whose tongue he ripped out.)

I’m also willing to bet that if any jerk neglected to hold the door open for you, his body’d wind up in a back alley missing its liver. 

Nobody puts baby in the corner. 

And Doctor Lecter’s intelligent. He’s ridiculously intelligent, which could actually be interpreted as a flaw because being smarter than everybody else is a weakness of his. But imagine the riddles and conversations you’d have with him! (Note: I’m getting a degree in psychology so this might make me happier than the normal person.)

Do you even know how complicated psychological studies are???

Hannibal Lecter is cultured. He speaks several languages fluently. He’s got a vast knowledge of other cultures, customs and histories. He’s an artist, he draws beaaaaaaaaaaaaautifully. Imagine the art that’d be hanging in your house. 

He’s even a lover of music. 

And, OH. MY. GOD. Just think about the extended vacations you’d take. Let’s go to Florence! Okay! Or how about something more rustic like the Champagne region of France. Why the fuck not? He speaks French and Italian, and odds are you would as well by now. 

And, granted, he’s no Norman Bates or Billy Loomis, but he’s got a quiet, sort of charming handsomeness that seems to float around him in an aura of polite kindness. It just makes you want to get a little…

You see? See what I did there? ah haaa The .gif finished my sentence.

And, I know, I know… he kills people and eats them. But he’d keep you in the loop. You’ll come home at the end of the day and swap stories about how your days were over glasses of perfect white wine…

“Hey, honey, how was your day?”

“Exemplary, darling. Oh - Do you remember that fellow we met yesterday?”

“The guy shaking his penis at passing cars?”

“That’s the precisely the one I meant.”

“What about him?”

“We won’t be hearing from him anymore.”

[quiet tandem titters swell into TORRENTIAL LAUGHTER]

And his killings wouldn’t be anything but to clean up the streets. Your home wouldn’t be a dungeon, it’d be the pinnacle of classy living. Goldberg Variations would play throughout the house, a warm light would glow out into the street from the ornate, but modern, chandelier in your foyer. Sure, he’d kill someone and probably eat them from time to time. But, hey…

You’ll get used to the taste of people eventually, right?

So, it may not seem perfect when you remember that he’s killed nine people at least, but just keep in mind all of the other things you’d have along with it…

Poise, charm, grace, skill, looks, intelligence, comfort, dignity, courtesy, culture and refinement. 

I’ve given this a lot of thought, I want that life. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dr. Hannibal Lecter

Love my suit? Love your face. Let’s go back to our stately home and snuggle.

*Referring to Brian Cox, the first actor to perform as “Hannibal Lektor” in 1986’s Manhunter

**It actually is Voldemort; it’s Ralph Fiennes. 
Doo Wop (That Thing)

Another Becommissar story based on the following tumblr prompt (which I slightly adapted):

“i meant to text the contact one above you in my phone’s contact list for a booty call but i didn’t realize i hit your name until i sent it so now i’m just sitting here feeling those little three dots hardcore judging me” au

Find the story on AO3 or fanfiction.net.

I’m also working on a (smutty) sequel to Tsunami, so stay tuned for that one.

I’m drunk and lonely and confused and you need to get here asap and have sex with me, thank you very much. Staying at the Radisson Blu, room 2008. Hurry!

It was about 4AM, Beca was finally back in her hotel room, and, also, still pretty drunk from the Worlds’ afterparty, where she’d spent her time downing about four beers within fifteen minutes to distract herself from the gorgeous specimen that was Das Sound Machine’s lead.

The other team had taken their defeat surprisingly well—Pieter had even congratulated them, before getting everyone a round of drinks, and Kommissar… well. The blonde had danced. First by herself, swinging her hips from right to left and running her hands all over her own body, and then together with Stacie, which had her grinding her ass against Stacie’s crotch, all the while giving Beca what could only be described as a sultry look every now and then.

It had gotten worse, though, because, at some point—Beca had turned away a good thirty minutes earlier because seeing the woman she was definitely not crushing on basically making out with Stacie on the dance floor wasn’t one of her favorite things to do—she’d felt a hand on each side of her hips, and a set of lips close to her ear.

“Congratulations, tiny Maus. You know what they say: the winner takes it all. So feel free to do so.”

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Retitling Songs From Hamilton

Act 2
What Did I Miss: Jefferson shows up 15 minutes late holding a Starbucks
Take a Break: Hamilton pls try and find at least an ounce of chill
Say No to This: Srsly Ham you say whatever comes into your head and this is the one time you chose to shut up?!?!
The Room Where it Happens: Everybody’s jam
Schuyler Defeated: *Hamilton swearing can be heard in the distance*
Cabinet Battle #2: Do whatever you want I’m super dead
Washington On Your Side: You’re nothing without Washington beside you
I Know Him: Next to Washington they all look smol
The Adam’s Administration: Sit down John, you fat mother BLEEP
We Know: Alexander rumours only grow
Hurricane: I’ll write my way out
The Reynolds Pamphlet: He’s never gonna be president now
Burn: Don’t mess with Eliza
Blow Us All Away: My name is Philip I am a poet
It’s Quiet Uptown: OK NOW IM CRYING
Your Obedient Servant: I’m A. done with your bullshit
Best of Wives Best of Woman: Ham PLS just go back to bed
The World Was Wide Enough: *Finishes this song and stares blankly at the wall for two hours rethinking everything I know*
Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story: *GROSS SOBBING*