whatever ill just post it who cares

now that I’ve driven home and had a few minutes to cool off and collect my thoughts, I feel I should explain myself to the people who have been following me and know who i am so I don’t damage my relationship or reputation more than I probably already have.

there was a post that an autistic person I follow made, where he vented about bigotry against autistic people, and ended with a passive aggressive “…janice”. there was another post that a nonbinary person I follow made where they vented about bigotry against gender nonconforming people, and ended with a passive aggressive “…denise”. I’m not 100% sure which was which but I DEFINITELY remember the posts, as well as the profile pictures of the people who posted them. I don’t remember the urls though, and even if I did remember them I wouldn’t list them in case the people who are now harassing and spamming me in my inbox and activity feeds decided to also hop on their [proverbial] dicks as well as mine because they apparently culturally appropriated those post templates, of ending extended rants about various bigots and ending them with names befitting of middle aged suburban soccermoms, karen.

now, when listing people of this demographic, I used to include white among those adjectives. however, there are black middle aged suburban soccermoms, hispanic middle aged suburban soccermoms, and asian middle aged suburban soccermoms, and pretty much people of every race who have the potential to be this type of person the practice strawmans. obviously not every single middle aged suburban parent of children who participate heavily in after school activities is going to be the type of person to scream at retail workers or starbucks baristas or people who cut off their minivans when they’re driving 15 under the speed limit in the left lane. not every single middle aged suburban person is an undeducated bible thumping bigot with their head shoved up their ass. not every one of them is a problematic piece of shit that stands by the #alllivesmatter crew or trump or whatever the republicans are rallying around this week. not even all of the white ones, and there are some people who fit the trope who are not white. I’ve dealt with many of them during my days at target, but I always stood by including white. until recently.

when I learned it made black people uncomfortable when white people made white jokes, I was of course initially hesitant. “that’s fucking stupid!” I though. “I’m not assuaging white guilt by doing this, I’m just finding it in me to laugh at myself”. and then I read a bit more about the subject and figured it isn’t worth the potential heartache if I fought it because in all honesty it kind of makes sense. my mom’s boyfriend’s son is black (and hispanic), and I had once made a white girl joke to my sister in front of him and mom told me later that both he and her boyfriend were uncomfortable with me saying that. after seeing the post that talked about it, and my… slight breakdown where I may have dramatically overreacted… I decided to try and stop with the white people jokes because I want to unlearn all of the racist shit that my dad, stepmom, aunts, uncles, grandparents, former friends, former acquaintances, and society in general that I possibly could, because racism as a concept digs into my skin and fucks me up.

it used to make me absolutely seethe with rage, and I still get a little steamed by it. in fact I once got in a LOT of trouble with my high school sociology student teacher because I got really shitty with her when she- an anthropology student no less- kept calling one kid in our class by his initial because apparently kudsai is just Too Hard™ to pronounce. one day, an off day where I forgot to take my medicine, she called him that and I yelled at her “he has a name, so use it”. granted I didn’t like the kid. I thought he was annoying; loud, obnoxious, constantly making sex jokes while we were studying freud (and even the fucking holocaust), in the choir and the football team… basically like any other cishet teenage boy. but being annoying is no excuse for a teacher to not take five fucking seconds of her day to learn how to say his name right just because it wasn’t franklin or gregory, two of the other black kids who I went to school with. anyone following me as far back as when annie got remade with quvenzhane wallis as the titular role might have read my thoughts on the matter of pronouncing people’s names right. i’m not saying this to pat myself on the back for not being racist, because WOW was I a rough mess of things back then, but I was never like my dad’s side of the family about race. back when michael brown’s death and ferguson were still talked about, I found myself agreeing with rush limbaugh about some of the things he said, so clearly I haven’t been a perfect angel my whole life.

anyway, back to white people jokes making black people feel uncomfortable. I’ve been trying to make myself agree with that, which as anyone who has the syndrome formerly known as aspergers can probably attest to, is hard as shit to do. possible but hard. like, I’m even now still unlearning some acephobia, transphobia, queerphobia, islamophobia, and even though I know the occasional fleeting thoughts that I think are wrong and bad, they still happen very frequently. same goes with various forms of racism and xenophobia. my dad (and former stepdad’s) influences are probably so deep because of various issues with abandonment and abuse that I’m not gonna discuss here, and they’re both absolutely reeking with white supremacist microaggressions. so I’m definitely trying my hardest.

part of that is why I reacted so negatively when people misinterpreted what I said, put words in my mouth, and straight up told me to kill myself in all of these messages that are still flooding in. another part is because I truly do stand by the things that I meant to say, rather than the things that it appears I’ve said. I really do think that it’s unreasonable to say that it’s racist for people who aren’t black to make posts where we vent about various injustices we face from people who are misinformed and ignorant and straight up smarmy condescending assholes and then end it with a passive aggressive name of some baby boomer fuckwit, peggy. because these baby boomer fuckwits come in many colors (black people are still capable of being racist [against hispanic/asian/etc people, not whites, I need to make that abundantly clear], classist, misogynist, queerphobic, ableist, otherwise bigoted prejudiced assholes), and these names that are heralded as “typically white”, like henry or franklin or gregory or harold or penelope or alice or etc, are not exclusively white names. I’ve seen or met black people with names like this and while it’s definitely not the majority (not even close), and it’s definitely partially due to cultural erasure perpetuated by gentrification, it still exists. so it doesn’t make sense to me why the person who wrote the post that started me on this whole sequence of posts about this topic insisted that it was a ‘white people names’ thing. especially when white people names are more like khaeylieghhe or miakkaylia or annedeeye or some other ridiculous bastardisation of english language in order to make your child feel special and unique and end up growing to be a cookie cutter member of the conservative party that tries to take down affirmative action because they feel like it’s reverse discriminatory or some shit. if it was something like that, making fun of those names that are actually like making jokes at the expense of white people [I think I should apologize in advance because technically this counts as a white people joke even if it’s just an example] would make perfect sense. however I have not only seen posts in this template of ending with baby boomer names being used as tools to express their distaste in queerphobia, ableism, classism, xenophobia, and intolerance of other sorts, but I’ve made them before, and it has had not a god damn bit of racial connotation to it at all unless it’s been specifically a black millennial on tumblr venting specifically about a white people-ism, and to make a post that shits on everybody who uses this template to cope if they’re not black, and causes those kids who use it to cope to ask why not, and then get immediately shit on by assholes who treat them just like people are treating me, who tell them that it doesn’t matter if they’re neurodivergent or gay or trans or whatever because they’re being Big Bad Evil Racists™ by ending their rant posts with names like becky, allison.

I don’t care if you’re black. if you treat queer or disabled kids like shit and call them racist when they’re not being racist, no matter what color your skin is, you’re an asshole. and to act like fucking salem massachusetts when confronted with legitimate criticism of your ill-informed unbridled assault of an angry mama bear to queer and disabled kids, is just DISGUSTING. WEAK. and PATHETIC. and only serves to strengthen my points.

so you know what, go ahead. keep sending me your hate anons. keep sending me the smarmy condescension. I can take it. just stop being fucking assholes to my family. your race isn’t something I have any authority over but I won’t let you use it as a weapon to beat people over the head with just because you get high off of the power you get from the veil of anonymity. false accusations of being a tier 6 skinhead is more palatable than telling us to kill ourselves.

i’m sorry for the stupid shit that i post

this is really just for me

i’m qualifying myself to some higher standard or whatever, but in reality that’s called deflecting my problems in a way that i wish to see myself, not how i really am,

and i don’t want to look in the mirror and think and think and think “this is the skinniest i’ve ever fucking looked,” and i don’t want to think about how i wasn’t always a fucking drug addict because drugs (speed!!! and tons of weed, but who cares, speeeeeeeeEd) have always been fun. just not meth or heroin, we all kinda agree those are off are not unwantedly off limits. 

i post about this kind of shit like i don’t care anymore, but i dunno,,, i think i really do.  everything a person does is a reflection upon themselves. is this who i want to be? 

but will i change? will i be able to come out on top of eight years of addiction, mental health issues, and eating disorders and shine a characteristic light on it? this sucks. thinking sucks. don’t be like me. really, just don’t be like me.

tl;dr having an addiction and an eating disorder is nothing to be glorified and im a piece of shit who has both, sorry

Goodbye, Abbie, and thoughts for Fox

The last post I left on Project.fox.com…

​First, I will say it now… I hope they do not move forward with Season 4. The chemistry between Tom Mison and Nicole Beharie is not something that could be duplicated. The initial chemistry, which was dulled by misstep after misstep by the showrunners, writers, and, I would imagine, network heads, was on par with the stars of Old Hollywood. Gable and Lombard, Powell and Loy, Bogie and Bacall all come to mind when I think of the luminously beautiful spark between the two actors. In addition to their natural charm and playful affection, they brought intelligence, integrity, and talent to the show. Even if the premise of the show was at times laughable, they brought a certain HONESTY to the show that kept us hooked. As things deteriorated, the spark seemed to dim. Which brings me to my second point.

​While the characters themselves were color-neutral (except for a few references to slavery), the way the characters were treated was not. The main female character was relegated to second tier status while white females were constantly paraded in front of us as a palatable love interest for Crane, never mind the incredible chemistry that existed between Nicole and Tom. Every effort was made to sideline Abbie Mills, so much so that even the writers had to acknowledge the slight by having Danny quote #AbbieMillsDeservesBetter, a fan “favorite” that showed our displeasure with how Abbie was pushed into the “strong black woman” trope - she doesn’t need love, affection, or acknowledgement of her femininity. We clamored to see a positive love interest, to see Abbie in a dress, being soft, being loved, being told she was beautiful. Instead, we had Katrina fans disrespecting Abbie, and even Nicole (because how could a good-looking, cultured white man like Crane POSSIBLY love someone like her?). Our “standras” seem to have won, but.. and I know it will come off as ugly and bitter… because that’s exactly how I feel right now and I really am all out of… well, you can fill in the blanks… I hope that the show goes down with the Ichabbie ship. Instead of her fellow Witness showing her affection and love, we have a controlling, manipulative man (and don’t get me started on the hyper-aggressive black male trope…) using her to get ahead, even slyly quoting that “Abbie Mills deserves better.” Again, sleepywriters rub our faces in their passive-aggressive filth. You want Abbie to have someone? HERE ya go. Enjoy. And we’ll do it in the most disrespectful, out of character, desperate-to-be-loved, crass manner possible, by having her BOSS kiss her in a glass-paned office. We’ll even throw in Jenny and Joe as a consolation prize (the pharaohs would have been proud of this incestuous mashup)…. It makes me wonder what Nicole ever did to them to deserve this blatant disrespect and hate. And the fans, the people who SUPPORT the show, SUPPORT the advertising, BUY the gear, and give of their time, talent, and HEARTS, quite frankly deserve it even less. We are not even getting paid to take this!

​There is a dearth of positive black female professionals on television; we either have Olivia Pope, a brilliant, successful, beautiful woman who is still relegated to “side chick” status (because, obviously, she doesn’t deserve the dignity and respect of a man of her own), or Cookie, a street-smart woman who, despite her intelligence, charm, and ambition, reinforces many negative stereotypes about black women. In Abbie Mills, we had a woman who was loyal, dignified, intelligent, and devoted to those she loved. WE FELL IN LOVE WITH HER BECAUSE WE COULD ALSO RESPECT HER. WE ASPIRED TO BE LIKE HER. And she, along with the fans who love her, was jerked around and treated like garbage. What it tells young black women is that you can be successful, but you can’t have integrity. You can be the side chick, but you don’t deserve an HONEST, loving relationship of your own (looking at you, Danny!). You can be smart, but you can’t be successful, smart AND desirable. Your life has less worth than your white counterparts. Indeed, we had more closure and reflection on Caroline than we did on Abbie. Abbie consistently sacrificed herself (yet another trope…). Even though Crane was a Witness longer, he was not called on again and again to make the ultimate sacrifice. While she dove headfirst into the tempest that took her to the 18th century, or stayed behind in Purgatory, Crane always hesitated on the sidelines, calling her name in anguish, spouting nonsensical “wedding vows” that had no substance. As fans, we became tired of it. And we felt insulted by it (not just women of color, but our friends, allies who GET it).

​The blatant disregard the writers show to the fans is just appalling. We were constantly ship-baited, and honestly, if it weren’t for our loyalty to TOM and NICOLE, who seem like nice people, we would have “jumped ship” long ago. We just couldn’t let go of those two! But as much as I respect Tom as an actor, I will not be tuning in to see him with another witness - it would feel like “cheating,” honestly, to see his affections transferred to another person. Making Abbie Mills just another step along the way of HIS journey is yet another bow to sacrificing the person of color to the superior white protagonist. Everything had to be through the white gaze, whether it was who would be sacrificed, or what woman was suitable for Crane. Even Campbell saying that somehow Betsy, a friend and colleague, was necessary to “hand off” Crane’s affection was yet another instance of this… and even before the fiasco that was the SERIES finale (I hope), we noticed. And we didn’t like it. And it would dishonor Nicole and how many fans felt that she was treated to support the show. Now that she is gone, we don’t need to make that sacrifice. And it is a sacrifice to rewatch a show on multiple platforms just to keep the show afloat and support the actors we believe in. We were working since Season 2 to make up for uneven writing/pacing and wildly implausible plots full of holes. We tweeted. We posted. We wrote the fan fiction to assuage our hurt feelings when the writers refused to acknowledge our feelings and what we perceived on screen as the TRUTH. We signed petitions, stayed up late, and took time away from our REAL lives to give back to something that, at least in the beginning, brought us a little joy. We overlooked lazy writing and gaping plot holes in order to keep up the good fight and support the show and actors we loved. But we were not loved or respected in return. We were mocked. We were lied to. We were manipulated. And we were constantly thrown over for either the writers’ ego/amusement or smaller fan groups whose agenda coincided with the writers’ mindsets. And it is tragic because at times you had such beautiful dialogue (Incommunicado), and the sets, costumes, and special effects were on point. WHAT A WASTE BECAUSE OF SEEMINGLY UNPROFESSIONAL, SPITEFUL WRITERS AND WHO KNOWS what kind of network executives. We were told that, if the series was not renewed, things would be tied up nicely. Is writing off the main character not important? It was done to not even give us the closure of a true confession of love or even “hugging it out.” It was constantly thrown in our face that Crane loved and desired Abbie, and that she probably felt the same way. Again, our hand-play bestie-bro strikes again (we were nervous when we saw who was writing the finale, but we had no idea… it was EXPONENTIALLY worse than we thought). In reading Tumblr, I am almost moved to tears. People GRIEVING. GRIEVING! This show sparked their creativity, spirited them away from their daily woes, and gave them honorable characters they could look up to and aspire to be. This is GONE for them, for US, and we are rightfully FURIOUS. Even other fandoms are reaching out to sympathize with us.
​I like Tom Mison, and I think he is immensely talented. I hope that this show is given a proper burial so that he can go and find a project worthy of him. I hope and pray that Nicole will be treated as the incredibly talented, charming STAR she is in her future projects.  And fandom tends to have a long memory; ill will can last a long time (SleepyHollowFOX, who in the ultimate trollathon, used the hashtag #Ichabbie for the first time just last week, as well as posted 15 bond whatever the hell it was on their website… I don’t even care at this point). And I hope that, if for some reason there is a Season 4, the loyal, intelligent, caring fandom that are the sleepyheads rise up and say “enough is enough” and tune out. I hope that other shows (because you are hemorrhaging viewers left and right… Sleepy Hollow is trending for sure, but not for the right reasons!) will learn from these missteps. Fox has squandered what could have been the next X-Files, and we are all the poorer for it.


sometimes I’ll post a half selfie and people get really sassy about how I’m withholding

here’s the thing,
most of the world doesn’t want to see people’s selfies

also I feel like most people just want to pretend I’m actually jessie, so it’s easier to let people do that
and keep real life Debby behind the camera for the most part
it’s what I call hiding in plain sight

idk whatever, maybe that’s just me.
for all of you who don’t care and don’t need them and are frankly made uncomfortable by them *ahem*
please ignore this post, I’ll delete it soon
those who want them,
here they are gloriously underwhelming
as I never know what to do with my hands
and if we’re being honest,
I’ve mostly taken these in a conversation to send to my bestfriend or boyfriend
both of whom are long distance and bound to forget my face
which is why they all appear as though the context is obscure

I can’t define it for anyone else, but for me self care is about being good to yourself in a lot of different ways. Sometimes I want to do things like yoga or exercise, but I feel like I don’t deserve to feel healthy or I hate my body too much to do something good for it, so I appreciate posts that tell me it’s ok to do that. And also sometimes I need to just make a blanket fort or take a bath because I’ve had a hard day and need to relax, and I appreciate posts that tell me it’s ok to do that too. Self care is different for everyone and you should just do whatever works for you, because you are the only one who knows what it is you need. I’m honestly just happy if you practice it at all, because you deserve to feel good and take care of yourself.