I won’t keep writing cheesy love poems or keep complimenting you. I will say what I think and be verbal about things you can work on, about what I don’t particularly like because there will be somethings I won’t.
2. I will love you.
There will be no reason.
Not any particular thing but you as a whole.
So you can change and grow, you can progress and you can evolve. As long as you’re you at the core, you have all my love.
3. I will be open to exploring your interests.
I may not care about sports but if that’s something you care about, I will ask you to teach me and I will sincerely learn and take interest.
4. Whatever path it may be, you won’t walk alone. On rainy days, I will share my umbrella and on windy days I will not make fun of your hair. On sunny ones I will share my ice cream and when your shoes are worn out, I will stop with you and help you fix them. Or wait until you find new ones that are just the right fit.
5. I will accept and try to love your crazy family as my own. I understand how complicated and unbelievable families can be but I do know the base is always love.
6. I will give you all my maps and some flashlights too so you can go on to explore parts of me I don’t display. There won’t be anything you will not know if you want to. I won’t let you read my diaries but I will let you read my soul.
7. I will step out of the goof closet I have been living in all my life and show you who I really am and make you laugh and smile and blush and yell.
8. I will say yes to adventure and to crazy sexual desires and have long lists of my very own I will like to explore with you.
9. I won’t cook or clean and I won’t be sorry about it. But I will keep your heart fed and the dark corners of your mind clean.
10. I won’t demand your phone/social media/bank passwords because all I really want is to look in your eyes and know what you’re thinking, to touch you and know what you’re feeling and to love a person I know as well and as little as myself.
As little as myself is only stating the disregard for the expectations and standards of the society and people and the masks we are given to wear on every birthday.
11. I will love the lazy Sundays at home as well as all the days we forget what day of the week it is or what time it really is because we are lost in time zones, on airplanes and in between magic.
12. When we argue I will never not stay silent or keep anything on the inside. I will get it all out so that there is never anything ugly left to grow on the inside.
Our party is on a stealth op to rescue an NPC Naga (Topaz) from a prison/‘exotic zoo’, with two female characters, a kitsune and a dwarf, disguised as sexy maids (supposedly to distract guards) and everyone else impersonating maintenance staff.
..and then these happened.
Dwarf: I roll perception to check for any signs of Topaz. (Nat 1)
DM: You see nothing but your cleavage.
(her next turn)
Dwarf: I roll to find the keys to the closest exhibit (another Nat 1)
DM: You are still entranced by your bust.
Dwarf: I go to the nearest employee and ask him for directions to the staff room
Employee: “Yes Miss Rack.. err, Maid, follow me!”
DM: The employee leads you towards the employee’s lounge, hitting himself against a tree in his distraction.
Female Paladin PC: “Everyone here’s obsessed, aren’t they?” *looks down at own bosom*
Kitsune: I run up to the man and distract him with my cleavage. “Oh mister mister, please, can you help me? Its my first day at work and I’m like, sooooo lost!” D:
DM: You interrupt him talking to a cloaked figure, who teleports away in a flash of light. The man, apparently the main ‘zookeeper’, looks embarassed.
'Zoo'Keeper “Um… er…”
Kitsune: I blink a little at the flash of light, then turn my full attention (and boobage) to the head zookeeper
'Zoo'keeper: Sorry… you seem like a nice person and all… but you really weren’t supposed to see that. I… I think I might be ordered to…
Kitsune: “Oh, please sir, I have nooo idea where I’m supposed to be and I, like, really wanted to make a good impression because its my first day and all~”
'Zoo'keeper: “E-er…” The zookeeper thinks some more, and stares at your bust “Well… promise you will never speak of what we saw and you can go. Okay?”
Dwarf: I roll perception to try find the others (Nat 1)
DM: Once again, you get distracted by your cleavage.
Male Pirate PC: I roll to find [Dwarf] (rolls high)
DM: You see [Dwarf], standing nearby staring at her own chest.
Dwarf and Kitsune are arguing.
Dwarf: I raise a finger, but lower it when I look at [Kitsune]’s face. "N-Nope, not at all!“
DM: [Dwarf], Roll bluff. (rolls low) [Kitsune], Roll sense motive (the fourth Nat 1 of the session)
Kitsune: I glare at [Dwarf] for a long moment….. then notice our boobs and forget what we were arguing about.
I’m going to get straight to the point, you guys are self-destructive and are going to kill the fandom over your petty arguments and stupid self-entitlement. There hasn’t been a day since the beginning of the fandom that everything has just been peaceful for once (and I’ve been here since it’s birth) You all should be ashamed of yourselves, fighting online and hurting real people over fiction (this is not specifically towards ships btw) And I’m putting my foot down at all of this bullshit and trying to stop it
This is pretty lengthy so everything is under the cut
Our Queer Ancestors: Das Institut Für Sexualwissenschaft
Hey so it’s October and October is traditionally the perfect time of year for getting sad about the past, so this is a thing I’m doing. Expect lots and lots of posts in this series.
(CW: Mentions of Nazis and Nazi violence)
Das Institut Für Sexualwissenschaft was founded in Berlin in 1919 by Magnus Hirschfeld and Arthur Kronfeld. From their headquarters in Berlin’s Tiergarten, the Institut conducted and published research on sexuality, reproduction, and gender, and what they did was truly revolutionary: They used science and rationality to lobby for reproductive health, gender equality, and queer civil rights, from 1919 until its destruction in 1933. The Institut employed transgender staff, operated on a sliding scale, offered free treatment to those unable to pay, and by 1930 was performing gender-affirming surgeries. Hirschfeld himself is credited with first coining the term “transsexual,” advocated strongly for the existence and autonomy of transgender children, and promoted literature describing the existence of more than two genders.
In 1933, though, it all came to an end. In late February of that year, following the Reichstag fire and the rise of the Nazi Party, state and paramilitary forces began systematic purges of all facets of Berlin’s queer movement. In May, the ultranationalist Deutsche Studentenschaft stormed the Institut’s Tiergarten headquarters, seized its libraries and archives, piled them in Berlin’s Opernplatz, and burned them.
And this is at once the most iconic and most forgotten part of the Nazis’ destruction of German culture: The most widely recognized photographs of Nazi book-burnings, the pictures that fill the first page on Google Images, are all from the Opernplatz burnings of Institut documents, a decade and a half of feminist, sex-positive, trans-inclusive scientific and cultural research and literature.
But that wasn’t the end of it. The Nazis destroyed the research, but kept the patient registries. The Deutsche Studentenschaft set up the ransacked Institut headquarters as their own base of operations, to spread the names and addresses of queer Berliners. Many, many of them disappeared into the camps during the war, never to be heard from again. In the 1950s, the executors of Hirschfeld’s will were unable to recover any of his assets because the new West German government declared that the Deutsche Studentenschaft’s actions were legal. The erasure was so complete that it would take decades for the queer community to be recognized as victims of the Holocaust.
Today, the story of the Institut Für Sexualwissenschaft, what it was, what it did, and what we lost, isn’t very widely known. People can spend a lifetime studying the Second World War, see pictures of the Opernplatz burnings a thousand times, and never really know what they’re looking at. But this is a part of our history, an important part, and before the end it was a beautiful part–a vibrant, trans-inclusive queer movement, three decades before Stonewall. It’s up to us to keep that memory alive; remember what we had; never forget what we’ve lost.
Kara Danvers can't come to the phone right now. Why? Oh. Because she's dead.
*starts crying* Oh-Oh my god, I can't believe Kara died an-and I wasn't th-*hiccups* there to save her. I'M A HORRIBLE FRIEND!!!
NO,NO,NO,NO. Lena, Lena,Lena I'm so sorry. I'm here ,it's me Kara Danvers your favorite cub reporter. I'm not actually de- you know what can we forget I even answered the phone like that.I was just being a dick.
*sniffles* Why would you tell me yo-your dead? You know I have no friends. Everyone I love is either dead or in prison.
*in the background* yikes.
I-I'm so sorry Lena, let me take you out for ice cream and a kale smoothie yeah?, *covers speaker* Alex order 3 dozen flowers and a "I'm sorry I told you I was dead card".
Upon the process of change, we forget that it’s not just about letting go of what we’ve been holding onto for so long. It isn’t about forgetting what we love, and who we’ve lost. It’s about moving forward with a little more insight, and a lot more courage. It’s a process. And it makes us stronger everyday.
“Am I up next?” Jyn asked. She laughed caustically as she guessed why Mothma had approached. “You here to prompt me?” There had to be versions of Jyn’s story that Mon Mothma, chief of state of the Rebel Alliance, wanted told—and others she wanted silenced. But Mothma shook her head. “No. I wanted to say…” Her gaze held on Jyn’s face as she searched for words. Jyn thought through all the trite, meaningless statements the woman might make: I’m sorry for your loss. The Rebellion is proud of you. Good luck with the crowd. “I won’t forget what we did to you,” Mothma said. Jyn stared and tried to comprehend the sadness in her voice.
The real question begging to be asked is- will the pope have had the audacity to say this to Muslims if he was visiting Mecca in Saudi Arabia? So what makes him feel so comfortable to say this to Africans?
|\’Again this reflects the pervasiveness of ‘Afriphobia’: the hatred of all things of African origin.The sad fact is there are many Africans who will on the one hand tell you they are proud of their African heritage and culture and reclaiming it brings with it increased self-esteem etc, but will sing from the same hymn book and echo these same misguided thoughts! And they will do so gladly simply because of their current colonised orientation and wide ignorance of what their actual spiritual philosophy and culture entails….And by doing so they perpetuate Afriphobia against their own selves, cos what we tend to forget is the 'religion’ or 'spirituality’ is the highest expression of a culture, its how societies are formed!
So if you are showing such disdain for your ancestral traditions then by extension you also exhibit self-hatred at most and at least, ignorance of self.So how then should you expect any other group of people to have respect for you?
Why is such a call even necessary? Is Religion not meant to be about 'love’, 'peace’ etc? So why such comments of divisiveness, lack of respect and religious discrimination?Now we can see again the source of persecution African spiritualists face the world over…
Not being able to hold back the pleasure built up inside of me any longer, I let out a loud moan the second Thomas reattached his lips on my pulse point and nibbled on it. His chest pushing up against me rubbed my back on the wall and his fingers lightly grazed me over my soaking wet panties, sending excited shivers down my spine. My entire body was begging for more of him, but I knew that we wouldn’t have enough time out here to have sex and make it back.
“Thomas, we need to go back to the glade.” I tried, but he didn’t stop what he was doing. Instead he just pushed my panties to the side with his fingers. “We still have to map out what we saw before we forget it and it gets dark.”
“We’re not gonna forget.” He hummed against my neck, his voice vibrating my skin.
“Babe, we don’t have time for sex.” I disagreed, but immediately whimpered when his middle finger slid through my folds and separated them.
“Who said anything about sex?” Thomas smirked, applying pressure on my clitoris and slowly circling it. “I just want to make my girl feel good before we have to pretend like we’re not together.”
I wanted to protest and I wanted to be responsible here, but as he worked my nub in such an incredible and addictive way, I couldn’t find the will to actually stop him. I knew we wouldn’t have the same freedom in the glade that we have out here in the maze, thanks to Alby’s most strict rule of No one ever touches (Y/N) because she’s the only female and whomever does will be punished, so I decided to just give into him and let Thomas do whatever he wanted to me.
I brought my hands up to his neck and pulled him away from mine to attach his lips on my own. Our kiss was passionate and full of lust, his tongue already gliding on the bottom of my lip to ask for an entrance. I opened my mouth for him to slip his tongue inside and I instantly moaned at how skillful he was with it.
Thomas’ finger increased its pace against my nub, my hips bucking at the delicious feeling. The way he was working on me made me feel so hazy that I couldn’t even focus on kissing him correctly, my mouth too lazy to properly move. All I could do was allow the pleasure to build up inside of me and moan into his mouth as Thomas now used his finger to slide inside of my warmth. My hands gripped onto his neck tighter in response along with my arching back and my secret boyfriend smirked against my lips. My eyes fell shut to the incredible sensations he was provoking, but a whine escaped my mouth when he broke our kiss.
“Does this feel good?” He teased, his finger slowly pumping inside of my core.
I just nodded, my body too lost in the pleasure to be able to form any sentence or say a single word for that matter. Thomas knew exactly how much it turned me on when he talked dirty to me and I didn’t even need to open my eyes to know he was grinning smugly at me right now. His finger moved a little faster inside of me before I could even ask and the shameless moan that escaped my lips would’ve been embarrassing if I wasn’t too lustful at this moment.
“Do you want another one?” Thomas smirked, the movements of his finger bringing me close to my peak. I nodded my head and he just tsked sexily. “I need you to say it, baby.”
“Y-Yes.” I somehow managed to speak through the desire and Thomas immediately responded.
Another finger of his pushed itself into my core and I hitched my leg around his waist for him to have more access. Thomas moaned at my sudden action and instantly pushed his fingers deeper, an immediate mixture of a moan and a scream falling from my lips. I didn’t care that I was so loud and open with Thomas, our relationship was too intimate for me to worry about being vulnerable around him.
“T-Thomas, please.” I begged him for my orgasm and, believe it or not, his pace increased even more.
The spring in my stomach was coiling more with every passing second and Thomas definitely knew. With his other hand, my boyfriend slipped it under my shirt and runner gear to squeeze my breast. His hand began kneading it, Thomas’ calloused fingers tightly pinching my nipple and it was enough to further the pulsing in my core. I desperately wanted his mouth attached to my perky bud but I knew that that wouldn’t be possible thanks to the annoying runner’s wear and how incredibly difficult it was to remove.
It was when Thomas curled his fingers inside of me to press against my G-spot he was well aware of and his thumb put unbelievable pressure on my clit that I couldn’t hold it back anymore. The spring inside of me snapped, releasing the extremely anticipated orgasm all throughout my body. My back arched, my legs shook and a mixture of embarrassing moans with lustful screams erupted from my chest.
“Shit, baby, you sound and look so beautiful.” Thomas moaned, my mouth only able to moan in response.
Once I whimpered at how sensitive I’ve become, Thomas carefully removed his fingers from inside of me and gently placed my leg back on the ground. His other hand detached from my breast and fixed my shirt so it looked like nothing happened. As soon as I opened my eyes, the first sight I saw was Thomas happily sucking on his fingers that worked on me. His tongue grazed his skin and, even though I just came, this sexy sight immediately made me ready for another orgasm with him. He smirked at how in awe I was and I almost melted right then and there when he winked. Pulling his fingers out of his mouth, Thomas adjusted my jeans and I watched him with hooded eyes.
Bringing my back off of the maze’s wall and managing to stand on my own, a grin spread across my lips with a deviant idea. Thomas’ eyebrows quirked up at me before I prepared myself for what I was about to do.
“Last one to the map room is a rotten shank!” I challenged, immediately sprinting towards the glade.
Looking behind me with a huge smile planted on my face, I realized Thomas instantly played along and was already hot on my trail. We both ran like maniacs towards the door with joy flooding through our veins and not a single care in the world. Considering Thomas and I are the best runners in the glade, it didn’t take long for us to maneuver our way through the maze and quickly reach the entrance. An excited squeal escaped my lips when I looked behind me and realized Thomas was no longer there, but was now right beside me. The wind blew in my hair and stung my face, yet all I could focus on was how beautiful and happy my boyfriend looked as we suddenly entered the glade and rushed towards the map room already in sight. The two of us completely ignored all of the stares and shouts the gladers were sending us, both too consumed by each other.
“No, no, no!” I screamed when he started winning, but it was no use. Thomas was just as determined as I was. It’s our best, but also most annoying quality.
“See you on the other side, rotten shank!” He shouted back at me, not even bothering to turn around before reaching the map room and quickly opening the door.
“Thomas!” I tried to stop him, but of course it didn’t work.
My boyfriend rushed inside and I groaned when he beat me at my own game. Running in after him, Thomas’ smirk was wide and smug as I shut the door to the map room behind us. That’s always how our sessions worked, behind closed doors to avoid getting caught. I wish that we could be open about our relationship, but at the same time I like how the adrenaline flows through our veins every time we meet in secret. With the door closed every facade falls. The disguise we display to the world fades away and all we desire is to fuck each other’s brains out.
“I’m glad you could finally come.” He teased and I narrowed my eyes at him as I approached Thomas slowly.
“Well, it’s a good thing I already did.” I clicked my tongue, Thomas’ eyebrows quirking at my comment. “Because something tells me if you keep this up, you won’t.”
“Oh, is someone upset I won?” Thomas grinned, the both of us now inches apart from each other. “Can’t handle being slower than me, can you?”
I decided to ignore him and just glare at him instead of saying anything, hoping it would make him take back what he just said. But, no. An even wider and cockier smile pulled at the corner of his lips and as much as I hated to admit it, he looked incredibly sexy.
“Screw you, Thomas.”
“If you insist.” He shrugged before grabbing my cheeks and crashing his lips against mine.
I instantly moaned into his mouth, his impressive lips molding with my own in such perfect harmony. If there’s something Thomas certainly knows how to do is kiss me like there’s no tomorrow, always making my knees go with with his touch. His tongue didn’t even ask for an entrance instead he just pushed it past my lips and made its way onto mine, the both of them waltzing together so beautifully that no dancer could ever compare. Our love so much more stunning than any piece of art out there in the world.
Thomas’ hand wrapped around my waist to push my chest into his warm one as he backed our bodies up to the nearest table. Our kiss never broke even when he cleared all of the pens, pencils, papers, and pieces of scrap with one swift movement of his hand off the table. Excitement boiling inside of me as his hands settled on my ass to pull me up on it and sit me down on the surface. My legs instantly spread for him at the same time that Thomas began unzipping my jeans and pulling them down, my lack of air starting to make me feel light-headed. My jeans were pooling down on the floor when I decided to separate our kiss, begrudgingly, and my hands flew to his belt. As I unbuckled it, Thomas removed my leather runner’s gear. At the same time that I opened his pants and let it fall to the ground, my boyfriend pulled at the hem of my shirt telling me he wanted it off. My shirt was the first to go then his and as soon as we were only in our underwear, Thomas’ mouth immediately latched onto my breast to give it the attention it desperately wanted earlier.
Even though his warm and wet mouth working on my nipple turned me on immensely, there was nothing I craved more than to feel him inside of me. As soon as I tugged at his boxers, Thomas got the message. He bit down on my nipple, a squeal escaping my lips, and pulled at it with his teeth before taking his mouth off of my breast with a pop.
I brought his boxers down to his knees and instinctively wrapped my hand around his delicious shaft, not being able to hold back how much I craved to touch him. As I slowly pumped his erection, my thumb caressing his swollen and wet with precum tip, Thomas growled at the feeling and ripped apart my panties all of a sudden. Even though I wanted to get mad at him considering I only have three, well now two, I couldn’t find it in myself to be anything but turned on by his lustful actions.
Putting his lips back onto mine, Thomas spread my legs for him to stand in between. One of his hands settled on my waist as the other removed mine from his cock to position himself in my entrance, moans escaping both of our lips when he wet his tip with my juices. His swollen head sliding amongst my folds and caressing my clitoris, my chest already arching into his at the contact. It’s not my fault I easily come undone with Thomas, it’s his fault for being so damn sexy all the time.
Thomas pressed himself into my core and our breaths hitched in our throats as he slowly stretched me, both of us melting into the incredible feeling. His hand on my waist moved to my lower back so he could push me closer to him, his dick entering deeper inside of me. My eyes immediately shut at the fullness and Thomas’ head fell to my shoulder, his lips placing gentle kisses on my skin. Once he was buried deep inside of me, my boyfriend didn’t even need to wait before thrusting thanks to how turned on and ready I was for him.
Thomas started out at a normal pace, enjoying the feeling of our bodies connected again. We haven’t had sex in about a week because sex in the maze is careless and dangerous and it’s been nearly impossible in the glade because of all the attention he was getting lately. So, needless to say, we’ve been craving each other too much and the built up sexual tension between us is so strong it almost hurts.
Just as he increased his thrusting, Thomas’ free hand moved up to my neck and gripped onto the back of my hair. I whimpered in response and he smiled into my shoulder blade. We didn’t talk about it because it was just a normal thing, but the both of us absolutely love it when Thomas pulls my hair. It’s our favorite kink we share and have no shame in falling prey to it. The way he pounds into me as he grabs my hair, his fingers intertwining with the strands, was so exciting to us.
“Thomas!” A voice suddenly called from outside of the map room and before we even knew it or could do anything to stop what was about to happen, the door flew open. “Are you alright? Why were you guys running so fa-”
My eyes widened in fear as Gally appeared in front of us, his sentence immediately stopping as soon as he caught sight of Thomas fucking me. Who had instantly halted his actions when he realized we were no longer alone and picked up his head from my shoulder to look at the intruder with not only a shocked expression, but a glare blazing in his brown eyes.
Gally’s pupils fell to our connected and wet groins, Thomas growling when he did. As soon as he began to pull out, a moan escaping my lips at the most inappropriate time thanks to the friction, the now terrified glader immediately backed away. Turning around to face the door, Gally ran out of the map room without another word.
“T-Thomas, he’s gonna go tell Alby.” I panicked the moment Gally was gone. “We s-should stop.”
“No.” Thomas grunted, pushing back inside of me and picking up his thrusts again. “We just have to be fast before they get here.”
“Thomas, you’re gonna get in trouble.” I argued, but moaned loudly when his tip hit my most sensitive spot he was very well aware of.
“I’m gonna get in trouble either way.” He stated, his pace fast and hard. The desk pounding against the wall along with his thrusts, our breathing in sync with the rhythm as well. “Might as well enjoy this last moment I have with you.”
His words stung in my heart the second he finished saying them because we knew Alby wouldn’t take this “crime” lightly. Thomas was going to get punished and fear mixed with the lust in my veins at what exactly said punishment consists of.
“Okay, then you’re gonna want to go harder than that.” I teased, my hands now flying to grip his flexed biceps in preparation.
Thomas followed my directions instantly and pounded harder into me, my body already getting a taste of the sweet edge it will soon be falling over. His mouth crashed back onto mine and kissed me like there was no tomorrow. I kissed him back with as much fervor and passion, neither one of us wanting to say goodbye through words so we let our bodies do it instead. Which at the end of the day, would do a much better job than anything our minds can come up with. Thomas’ and my body are so in sync with each other that they just know exactly how to express our care and love without needing to fumble over sentences.
“I-I’m close.” I confessed, feeling my orgasm creeping up on me.
Thomas’ hand that was on my waist moved to our connecting groins and began to furiously circle my clit, my legs already shaking in response. I tried to kiss him back as focused as I could, but it was too hard to concentrate when I knew I was about to fall apart. Thomas, however, did an amazing job keeping our kiss going and he even slipped his tongue inside of my mouth.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” I shouted, no longer concerned about hiding my moans.
The second Thomas applied more pressure onto my nub and, suddenly, pulled at my hair, I lost it. I completely fell over the edge and jumped into the overwhelming pool of pleasure waiting for me, my orgasm touching my skin like water in a lake. Clenching down on his cock, Thomas let out a strangled moan and the sound itself would’ve made me cum a second time.
Once I came back down from my high, I noticed Thomas was still chasing after his release. Bringing my mouth to his earlobe, I nibbled on it and ignored the sensitivity in my core. I was just as determined to have him orgasm as he was.
“It’s okay, baby.” I whispered into his ear, my boyfriend shuttering at the feeling of my warm breath fanning across his sweaty skin. “Forget the world outside and just cum for me, Thomas.”
With the mixture of my dirty words and my core purposely clenching down on him, Thomas moaned into my mouth as he finally reached his much anticipated orgasm. At the same time that he pulled out to release on my stomach, four unexpected figures suddenly appeared at the doorway and my body froze. Thomas didn’t even notice them, his eyes were shut tight in focus and he grunted loudly as his hot cum coated my skin. It wasn’t until then that I noticed just who was at the door, all of their eyes wide and jaws dropped in complete shock.
Gally, Alby, Newt, and Minho’s terrified eyes averted from the scene before them and all of the lust inside of me was replaced with horror. The four keepers of the glade just witnessed their newest Greenie cumming on the only girl here. My cheeks immediately felt hot and I knew they were painted with red blushes.
“What’s wrong, baby?” Thomas’ husky voice snapped me out of my fear and my eyes shifted to look at him. He was furrowing his eyebrows at me in confusion and all I could do was stare.
“Thomas clean her up and meet us outside.” Alby spoke up with a voice full of authority and my boyfriend gasped. “Now.”
He didn’t even dare to turn around, I just watched as Thomas’ face became as red as mine. Alby quickly turned around and left, the three other boys following in his footsteps.
“Thomas, I’m scared.” I confessed, my concerned eyes piercing into his. “I don’t want to lose you.”
A soft and genuine smile appeared on his lips as my boyfriend placed his hand on my flushed cheek.
“You won’t.” He promised and I believed him.
Thomas grabbed what was left of my torn panties and used the cloth to clean his release off of me. As soon as he finished, both of us quietly put our clothes back on. Our minds too full of thoughts about what we were going to face to put together a conversation.
“Ready?” He asked me, his hand about to push open the door.
“Ready.” I nodded.
Slipping my hand into his free one, Thomas opened the door and lead us out into the glade. My heart beat violently against my ribcage as we approached the group of people formed in front of the maze’s doors, Alby already staring at us with his arms folded across his chest. I noticed how it was getting darker by the second, meaning the doors to the maze would be shutting any minute now.
“Look at that shuckface!” Gally suddenly shouted, pointing at Thomas and I didn’t understand where this anger was coming from. “He’s nothing but a piece of klunk!”
“That’s enough, Gally.” Newt defended as we entered the group.
Alby unfolded his arms and settled them beside him, he walked over to us and Thomas gulped at the proximity. He cleared his throat due to his nervousness and shifted on his feet, but never took his hand out of mine. The leader’s eyes flickered to it before they returned to their angry post on the Greenie, disappointment also evident in them.
“We don’t have many rules here in the glade.” Alby spoke up. “And yet, Thomas, you have managed to break the most important.”
I expected my boyfriend’s head to fall to the ground in shame, but instead he stood his ground. Thomas was in no way challenging or disrespecting Alby, he was just telling him through his actions that he didn’t agree.
“You’re going to have to be punished for going against our law.”
“Banish him!” Gally yelled and my entire body went weak.
“Alby, we can’t banish him.” Minho suddenly intervened, his eyes concerned about his good friend. “He’s too important.”
“Maybe we should just put him a night in the pit with no food.” Newt offered and the scoff that came out of Gally’s mouth was so loud it almost scared me.
“Absolutely not!” The annoying glader disagreed, his head shaking as he pointed at Thomas. “That’s too easy, he’s just gonna do it again!”
“So?” I spoke up, surprising both the gladers and myself. “I’m the one that decides wether or not someone touches me, not you guys!”
“(Y/N), you don’t know what you’re saying-”
“Yes, I do Gally!” I shouted in frustration. “Thomas isn’t hurting me and it shouldn’t be a crime if I like it.”
“She has a point, Alby.” Minho agreed with me and an actual smile placed itself on my lips.
“No, she doesn’t!” Gally hissed. “Alby, don’t listen to this. He can’t just spend a night in the pit, he needs to be kicked out.”
Alby lifted his hand to order silence in the glade and everyone immediately complied. A nervous lump formed in my throat as I realized that the leader had made his decision.
“Thomas, you won’t be spending a night in the pit.” Alby stated. “You’ll spending it in the maze.”
The entire world around me stopped so I could feel it quickly crumble into pieces beneath my feet. A static noise buzzed in my ear and my eyes became blurry with instant tears as I felt an icy cold hurricane crash down on me and drown me in fear. My heart pounded against my body as if it belonged to Thumper from Bambi and I was certain it was going to break through and fall down to the floor.
“No, no, no.” I shook my head in denial but no one said anything. It was already decided.
Out of nowhere, the sudden sound of the doors to the maze began to close and the ice water inside of me froze every single one of my limbs. Pain invaded my cells and tore them apart without any bit of mercy. The last thing I heard before I completely succumbed to my fear was Alby’s upset voice telling Thomas it was time to go. My breathing shortened and a sick feeling punched me in my stomach, warning me I was going to throw up. An invisible hand wrapped around my throat and forbid me from properly breathing and a mixture of hot and cold flashes sparked through my body. It was as if I were dying and I knew exactly what was happening to me. And by the way Thomas stood in front of me and placed both of his hands on my cheek, he also knew I was having a panic attack.
“Breathe.” He instructed and I tried to follow the way he was showing me breathing exercises. “It’s okay, just breathe. I’m going to make it, (Y/N). I need you to believe me.”
I wanted to say I believed him but all I could do was replay Chuck once telling me No one survives a night in the maze over and over again in my mind. Thomas continued to try and comfort me even though he was the one about to face the Grievers, yet we both knew my panic attack wasn’t going to go away anytime soon.
“Thomas, let’s go.” Alby stated, pulling his hands off of me and began leading everyone towards the moving doors.
We approached it and I did my best to ignore my panic attack as Thomas turned to look at me one last time. His eyes were begging me to be okay and I wished I could grant him what he wanted, but I wasn’t going to ever be okay again. My boyfriend quickly wrapped his arms around me and I ignored all of the stares from the gladers as he separated to place a kiss on my lips. It was short and of course I craved more, but mainly because a part of me knew I would never feel it again.
“I love you.” Thomas said to me for the first time and my heart actually jumped. My eyes flickered over to Alby for the slightest second and I could see the hurt in his own eyes. He didn’t want to do this, but he needed to enforce the rules.
My boyfriend walked through the doors to the maze and my legs ran to him, hot tears streaming down my face that I hadn’t even noticed until now. Newt immediately grabbed me before I could go in and I watched with a heart in agony as he entered the maze and turned around to look as me one last time.
“I love you, too.” I shouted through my hysterical sobbing.
Thomas gave me an encouraging smile before the rocks connected and he was trapped behind closed doors.
The entire night was one long and drawn out nightmare. My mind kept picturing the worst scenarios of Thomas in that terrifying maze, always ending with him being teared apart by the Grievers that showed him no mercy. His pillow was completely stained by my salty tears at this point and my cheeks were stiff with all of the dry water stuck to them. I was no longer sobbing uncontrollably like I had since the moment Thomas left, but I was now entirely numb inside.
Usually, I loved getting up early in the morning to see Thomas quickly before we had to run off into the maze for the day. However, today I dreaded the idea of leaving his hammock that I have already claimed my own. His smell still lingered in the sheets and I, in no way, was ready to part from the small piece of him I still had left. No one ever survives a night in the maze and Thomas is still relatively a Greenie which means he was no different.
Watching as the sun rose in front of me, the normally beautiful and vibrant colors no longer having an effect without Thomas here for us to marvel at them, I felt a small finger tapping on my shoulder. Turning around, Chuck looked at me with pity but also a small glimpse of hope in his eyes. He was laying on his hammock and I instantly noticed the dried tears on his freckled cheeks.
“He’s gonna make it.” He spoke up, his voice not groggy like I expected it to be which meant he also didn’t get any sleep last night. Our minds were too worried about our favorite person in this glade. “I promise you. Thomas is gonna walk right through those doors today and surprise us all.”
“Don’t get your hopes up, Chuck.” I stated, the lump in my throat now permanently lodged there. “It hurts more than just accepting the horrible truth.”
“This is the truth.” The chubby twelve year old sat up in his hammock, his eyes determined as they looked at me. “I’ve been in this glade as long as I can remember and never have I ever met someone like Thomas before. He’s strong, fast and– most importantly– he’s ridiculously smart. If someone’s gonna figure out a way to survive against the Grievers, that someone is definitely our Thomas.”
His words weren’t just made to comfort me and they weren’t full of pity or false hope, Chuck meant every single sentence that came out of his mouth. And from how certain he was about them, I couldn’t help hut feel like they were laced with truancy. I know Thomas better than anyone here and because of that, I was well aware he would never give up without one hell of a fight. My logic and my mind were telling me he was already long gone, but my heart suddenly felt a small spark of faith. All thanks to how sure this small yet incredibly courageous boy was.
“Thank you, Chuck.” I smiled for the first time since yesterday. “I needed to hear that.”
“And I needed to say it to someone other than myself.” He confessed with a kind smile that I gladly returned. “Now come on, let’s get some breakfast.”
Chuck shot up from his hammock and I let out a loud squeal when he turned mine, suddenly dropping me on the ground. The grass prickled my arms and legs, but I was now too focused on immediately standing up to get my revenge on him. The youngest glader let out a mixture of a scream and a laugh when I charged for him, already running away from me. But, I was determined and Chuck knew that which is why in a matter of seconds as we ran through the glade, not caring who saw us, I was able to wrap my arms around him and grab the kid. Instantly pinning him to the ground, Chuck shouted and giggled as I mercilessly attacked him with the tickle monster.
“Stop, please!” He pleaded through his loud laughter, the gladers waking up because of us. “Okay, okay! You win!”
“As always.” I smirked, pulling away from him. Chuck immediately let out a deep breath of relief and rested his elbows on the grass to glare at me.
“You’re an evil, woman.” He challenged and all I could do was laugh.
“I like to think of it as a gift.”
Winking at Chuck and then walking away, the sudden loud sound of the solid doors to the maze roared through the glade and warned us they were now opening. My heart instantly stopped and I didn’t even notice I was sprinting towards the heavy doors until I felt unexpected wind stinging against my cheek. I could see the maze already and my heartbeat paced faster than it ever has, not because I was running but because I was convinced that Thomas would be on the other side.
From my peripheral vision, I sensed Minho and Newt running along with me and Chuck right behind us three. We didn’t care that we looked desperate and insane, all we wanted was to see our Greenie again. I internally cursed my legs for not being fast enough and getting me to Thomas as soon as possible.
Once I had finally reached the entrance of the maze, my legs halted to a stop and my eyes immediately peered around the inside to see if they could spot him. I didn’t even mind that my breathing was completely unstable, that my heartbeat was pounding against my eardrums or that my lungs were burning in my chest. All I could think about was: Where the hell is he?
Thomas was nowhere in sight. The maze was completely empty and as I felt Chuck reach up and stand beside me, my mind began to slip back into the state it was in before. The panic and despair came back along with the pain and agony in my heart. All of the hope and faith Chuck had convinced me of instantly washed away only to be replaced by anguish and anger. The hurt I felt watching Thomas enter the maze is nothing compared to the wound that I will now have because he hasn’t come out of it. The once numb girl was now completely broken and shattered into a million pieces.
How could I have let myself think that things would’ve ended any differently?
Everyone knows people don’t make it with Grievers surrounding them, no human has a chance against those monsters. Thomas, the love of my life, was gone and there’s nothing I could do to get him back. He’s dead… and it’s all my fault. Why did I get involved with him when I knew it would put his life in danger? Why did I repeatedly be with him even though I was well aware of the possible consequences?
All I cared about was momentary passion and now Thomas has suffered a permanent punishment because of it- because of me. I’ll never forgive myself for what I have caused and I’ll never be able to live with the guilt either. Although, I won’t ever forget all of the fun times we had with each other and the love we shared. I don’t care that I can’t remember anything that happened to me before the glade, what really matter are the memories Thomas and I created together.
“So much for walking through those doors and surprising us.” I stated to Chuck as my voice broke, not even bothering to look at him.
I didn’t care how possibly hurt he was now, all I managed to do was look at the vacant maze one last time before tearing myself away from it and heading towards anywhere but here.
My legs carried me to the woods once again to cry alone and away from everyone else just like I had yesterday. But, this time it was so much worse. I couldn’t even see properly with how blurry my vision has become thanks to the non-stop tears. The back of my eyes burned as they cried, but it didn’t compare to the burning in my heart. It carried a weight like no other, a pain like never before. Leaning against a tree and slumping down to the uncomfortable ground, I allowed myself to just completely lose it.
Suddenly, the sound of a twig snapping pulled me out of my own depressing thoughts to look up at the source. Rage and hatrid flowed through my body the second I wiped away the pooling tears in my eyes and came face-to-face with the one person I despise the most, Gally. He stood there in front of me with a disgusting grin planted on his face and I desperately wanted to slap it off.
“What the hell do you want, shuckface?” I hissed, forcing myself to stop crying so he wouldn’t see me so vulnerable and, to my surprise, it actually worked. Mind over matter, I guess.
The word came out of his mouth so naturally that I almost didn’t believe it, it wasn’t until he unexpectedly rushed over to me and lifted me off the ground that the reality hit me. Shockwaves of panic and fear immediately spread throughout my nerves like fire, instantly destroying me in its wake. A terrified and pained grunt escaped my lips when my attacker, all of a sudden, roughly pushed me up against the harsh tree. My body was so shocked with what was happening that I couldn’t even respond, my muscles frozen in place although my mind was screaming desperately at me to fight and run away.
“G-Gally!” I cried, my lips the only part of my body able to react as he gripped both of my wrists with one of his hands and settled it over my head. “Stop! What are you doing?!”
“What do you think I’m doing?” He spat back with a smirk and flashes of horror consumed me.
“You can’t do this!” I shouted frantically, my voice desperate and unstable.
“Why not?” Gally’s black and dark eyes pierced into mine, his icy stare making me feel cold. “Thomas did.”
The mention of his name sparked something in me I couldn’t explain and I, suddenly, felt stronger than ever. My body finally responded to the commands my neurons were sending to my muscles. Immediately and harshly stepping down on his foot, Gally let out a yelp of pain and out of instinct, let go of my hand.
“I wanted Thomas to touch me! You’re just disgusting!” I shouted at him with intense fury before sprinting away from the psycho.
“Oh, no you don’t.” I heard him comment and I knew that he was already hot on my trail.
Before I even expected it, I was abruptly tackled to the ground by his forceful body and to say it hurt wouldn’t be a fair description. Adrenaline ran through my veins, but it didn’t matter how much I fought back because Gally was a lot stronger than me. As soon as I tried to scream for help, his hand instantly covered my mouth and stopped me from trying to escape. His other hand grabbed my wrists like before and there was no use in trying to get away anymore, I was completely submitted to Gally’s strength.
“I’m disgusting? You’re the whore, not me.” He hissed, tears already returning their posts down my cheeks. “I’m one of the leaders here and my voice is heard, not yours. If you say anything about this, (Y/N), no one’s ever gonna believe you.”
A sudden and familiar voice that didn’t belong to neither me or Gally spoke up from behind us and I immediately recognized it. My attacker’s eyes widened in fear, meaning he also knew exactly whom it belonged to and relief spread through my once terrified nerves when he quickly stood up.
There, standing over us, was the one person I desperately wanted to see the most. His shirt was torn, his shoulder covered in yellow slime, all of his skin painted with dirt, blood and sweat- but he never looked more beautiful in his entire life.
Not being able to handle waiting, my legs jumped up and instantly ran towards Thomas. His arms already welcoming me as I crashed into his embrace. I couldn’t care less about Gally anymore, all that mattered was that Thomas was alive and well. I hugged him so tight because I was afraid he would disappear if I let go, but instead of wincing my boyfriend just hugged me as tight right back. My tears of joy stained his shirt even further, Thomas caressing my hair whilst I cried into his chest.
“Baby, what do you want me to do with Gally?” He asked, the sound of his voice music to my ears.
“I don’t care.” I shrugged. “I just want to hold you forever now that you’re back.”
I didn’t know how it was possible, but Thomas hugged me even tighter and I loved every second of it.
“I’m too tired to kill you, Gally. Just get out of my sight.” He warned, his voice stern. “Go now before I change my mind!”
I tuned out the sound of Gally’s feet crushing grass and twigs as he ran away from us, my mind only focused on the steady pace of Thomas’ beating heart in his chest. He placed kisses on my temple continously and it didn’t help to stop the salty tears streaming down my cheeks.
“I thought I lost you.” I cried.
“Well, I promised you wouldn’t.” He chuckled, his body shaking the both of us as he did. “And I’m not one to break a promise.”
“I’m just glad you’re home with me.”
“(Y/N),” Thomas pulled away so he could stare me deep into my eyes. “You are my home.”
When I was 5, I sat on the edge of my chair with my legs spread. I felt an itch between them, so I reached down to scratch, but my grandma grabbed my wrist to stop me and hissed: “Girls don’t do that!” I asked her why, because I had seen my father doing it, I had seen all the boys in primary school doing it, too. And it itched and I wanted to scratch it. Her answer was: “It’s just how it is. Girls don’t do that. Also, don’t sit there with your legs spread like that. Girls don’t do that, either.”
When I was 6, I spent a day on the beach with my family. I was excited about the new bikini my mum got me, but confused as to why she asked me to keep the top on when I went for a swim. She hadn’t made me wear it the years before, but suddenly, she was very fussy about it. “Look, I’ve got one on, too.”, she said to me. And I thought I understood: Women had to cover their breasts, because they were bigger than mens’. But I wasn’t a woman. I was a child. Later, I overheard a talk she had with my dad. “I don’t want old men to stare at her.”, she whispered. I interrupted them and asked her why she thought old men would look at me. Her answer was: “It’s just how it is. It’s because you’re a girl. And men do that.”
When I was 9, I got in a fight with my best friend. I went home and complained about it to my grandma, who lived with us. She told me I should have seen it coming. “That’s how girls are.”, she said. “A friendship between girls is always also a competition. Girls are jealous, manipulative and backstabbing. You can’t trust them.” But I had never fought with my best friend before and I knew we’d forgive and forget the next day, anyway. So, I asked my grandma why, and her answer was: “It’s just how it is. Catfights will happen. It’s normal. That’s how girls are.”
When I was 13, I fell in love with a boy from the neighbourhood. I couldn’t hide my excitement. He was on my mind all the time and I caught myself wishing we were together, so I could hold his hand and kiss him, too. I wanted to meet him, get to know him better, and I told my dad about my plan of asking him out. “Don’t do that.”, my dad said. “It’s not appropriate for a girl to ask a boy out.” Though I partly agreed, since I had never seen a woman proposing to the man in a movie, or read about a girl kissing her crush first, I still didn’t understand what would be so bad about being an exception, so I asked my dad why I had to wait for a boy to show interest in me in order to be allowed to openly requite it. His answer was: “It’s just how it is, darling. The man makes the first move. It’s always been this way. Boys like to conquer, and girls love being chased.”
When I was 17, I was part of a large group of friends. There was a boy who fancied me. I didn’t like him back, but I wasn’t used to anyone crushing on me, so I enjoyed the attention. He’d always tell me I was special. One of a kind. Different. “You’re not like other girls.”, he said. “You’re not a bitch. You’re funny, laid back, intelligent. You don’t just care about your nails or your hair. You get my sense of humour. You’re not like most girls. You’re my best guy friend. But with tits.” I was flattered in the beginning, but soon, I started to wonder if his compliments were any at all. I began to feel disgusted with him. I didn’t want to be his best guy friend with tits. So I asked him what’s so good about a girl like me, a girl unlike what he called a typical one, and his answer was: “That’s easy to explain. A pretty model type of girl is good enough to jack off to, but in the end, a guy wants some drama free pussy. You’re an exception. The majority of girls is superficial and slutty. The kind of girl you fuck, but dump when you’re ready to settle down. Or they’re just plain boring and prude. This sounds harsh, but it’s just how it is.”
When I was 19, there was a boy I regularly had sex with. It was nice. Not the breathtaking kind of passionate, ecstatic fucking I had dreamed of; maybe we lacked chemistry, maybe it would have been nicer if we had been in love; but I was alright with it. I adapted, obeyed and swallowed. Of course I did. In the beginning, he really put an effort in giving me what I gave him. He really tried. But his attempts at putting his tongue to good work quickly faded into halfheartedly rubbing me dry and at some point, he said: “I’m giving up.” I asked him why. His answer was: “It’s so hard to get a girl off. You women need ages to cum. It’s so exhausting.” I laughed and told him I needed about two minutes when I did it on my own. “Then stick to that.”, he said. “I’ve got a cramp in my wrist. Women are so complicated. It’s just how it is. I’m sorry.”
I am 20 now, and I’ve come to realize that my female identity has been shaped by a biased, hypocritical excuse based on ridiculous gender roles: “It’s just how it is.” All my life, I have asked them why, and all they said was “It’s just how it is.” And it didn’t matter whether I’ve asked men or women. Internalized misogyny is just as harmful. There were as many women as men who said: “It’s just how it is.” But that is not the answer I wanted. Not the answer I needed. These few words don’t fucking answer the countless questions concerning my gender identity.
Why can’t I sit with my legs spread? What’s so shameful about what I keep between them? Why must I cover my breasts? Why am I being sexualized long before I’m even told when sex is? Why am I being taught to mistrust other girls? Why do I have to compete with other girls? Why am I only a good girl when I’m not like most girls? Why do I have to keep quiet about the way I feel? Why am I not allowed to show affection like men do? Can’t I conquer a boy’s heart, too? Why must love be about conquering, anyway? What if I don’t like being chased? What if it scares me? Why do boys scare me, anyway? Why do you make me feel inferior to them? And why do I have to like a boy in order to be liked? Why am I being shamed for being a “slut”, them shamed for being “prude”? Why am I expected to adapt, obey and swallow without praise when boys who return the favour are considered grateful, dedicated lovers, heroes, almost ,because to the majority of them, it’s not fucking understood that if I make them cum, they should make me cum, too? Why am I exhausting to be with? Why am I complicated?
Is it because I’m a bitch? Because I’m an oversensitive little baby? Is it because I’m a slut? A prude virgin? Is it because I’m on my period? Cause women are just crazy? Cause I am jealous, manipulative, backstabbing, competitive or any of the other countless negative traits that are immediately connected with the female identity? All summed up, is it because I’m a girl?
I’ve asked them. And they said yes.
And when I asked “But why?”, they said it again: “It’s just how it is.”
“It” is that context, is a never ending circle of resigning acceptance of the circumstance that girls are being raised to disrespect their own gender from their childhood on. I was, and am, expected to accept the fact that being female automatically makes me inferior, and that I should be thankful for being treated equally, because that’s not the standard. I was, and am, expected to appreciate and take it as a compliment when people tell me that I’m not like other women. Because I was, and am, expected to look down on women even though I am a woman myself. But I refuse. I refuse to adapt, obey and swallow. I refuse to accept that “it’s just how it is”. I refuse to take this as an answer, and I will not stop asking why. I won’t ever stop asking why. Not because I want people to give me a proper response, but because I want them to question themselves, too. I want them to start wondering. Want them to start doubting the concept of the role I’ve learned to stick to before I knew how to spell my “typically female” name. I want them to think about it, lose their sleep about it, until they ask, too: “Why?”
In order to eliminate misogynic stereotypes, we must unlearn to understand them. We must refuse to accept “It’s just how it is” as an answer, until we forget what “it” stands for. Keep asking why, until nobody knows an answer anymore. “It’s just how it is” is not an answer. Neither is “It’s cause you’re a girl”. Or “That’s how girls are”. Because girls can be everything and anything they want to be. That’s how it really is.
I REFUSE!, a rant on how my female identity has been shaped by excuses and lies
“Cat food for Leo,” Harry said, reading off the list that Draco insisted for Harry to make. Usually when he went grocery shopping, Harry would just wander around the store picking up anything he noticed they needed. But when he invited Draco to come along, the blond immediately decided that Harry’s system was far too cavalier. Harry glanced at Draco now as he led the way to the pets section, again thinking how odd it was that this was the first time he ever brought Draco grocery shopping with him, especially considering that they’d been living together for six months now. Draco was currently staring at all the Muggle products around him in an awestruck manner. Harry smiled lovingly at his boyfriend.