what-is-this

Okay, I think I’m gonna rant. It’s not really a sad rant, more of an empowered rant, but still a rant nonetheless. I do apologise for this. It’s 3:30am and I am doped up on painkillers, but I have no other outlet and I need to get this out of my system, so sadly that means I’m gonna bore you guys with this.

I AM DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL.

I have been dithering on this decision for months, and it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to decide. I’ve always planned on going to university, and I’m the type of person who freaks out a bit when things don’t go to plan. Plus, when I tell my family, everyone except my mum (who knows and doesn’t care) is gonna go absolutely apeshit.

But I know it’s the right thing for me, and I know it’s what I need to do. I remember when I was sending off university applications, looking at my essay I had to write about myself, 4000 characters. How do you describe a person in 4000 characters?

So I wrote it all out, mostly just talking out of my ass, and my teachers all said it was fine and I could send it off, blah blah blah. And I sat and read through it and realised that the girl I’d described was nothing like me. I’d wrote about the person they wanted me to be, not who I actually was. And that really haunted me, for some reason. Maybe I’m sick of pretending. Maybe I know I can’t pretend well enough anymore. I don’t know. Whatever it was, I knew what I had to do.

So fuck plans for a while. I’m gonna roll with it and see where life takes me. Sorry about clogging your dashboards with this guys, I just had to get it off my chest.

And her tears stained her cheeks like dewdrops on a leaf as she felt her heart wither away in a fading garden of emptiness.
—  Lukas W. // A fading garden