what-is-it-that-you're-so-afraid-of

abbyskane asked:

why do you think she was sleeping in his room?? can you do some meta on that?

I certainly can. I will meta on anything pertaining to these two. First off though, I didn’t think that it was his bedroom? I think it’s just a general sort of Chancellor gathering area you know, somewhere for the council to pool resources and discuss and for them to work and get some peace. The sleeping quarters Lincoln entered that he seems to share with Octavia were much, much smaller than the room we saw Abby and Marcus in and in HIC’s interview he stated that his first scene takes place in ‘this room’ wherever they were filming the interview and then followed up by later saying we got to see Marcus’ bedroom, I’m guessing if they were one in the same he would have mentioned it.

HOWEVER: I still think there are a lot of things to be gotten out of her falling asleep in that room and in his company as well. I mentioned in the meta I wrote yesterday that there’s a certain intimacy to that scene; even if it’s not his bedroom per se it still has such a ring of domesticity about it, largely because of the way that Paige and Ian play it and Marcus’ little ‘the Chancellor hasn’t slept in two days’ which still has that little tinge of intimacy to it despite the fact he uses her formal title when he speaks about her to Bellamy.

So, I think there’s something important in the setting, being, as I think it is, more council chambers than sleeping quarters coupled with the fact that Marcus is working there and says that Abby hasn’t slept in two days and also the way in which she fell asleep and where, on a couch, and sitting up, with a tablet in her hand, it doesn’t even look as though she meant to sleep, it looks as though she and Marcus were sitting talking shop and she just couldn’t keep her eyes open anymore because at the end of the day she is only human. It also means that Marcus just let her sleep there and continued to work through whatever they had been doing but let her get the rest that he knows she needs.

On a ‘less canon; more feelings’ note (because there’s really no point unless you take things to another level of ‘Lauren you’re reading too much into this’) I think there are more things to be said about this scene than maybe initially meets the eye, things that I’m taking as implied even if this wasn’t precisely what the writer’s had in mind but I want to yell about it anyway. 

Abby falling asleep with Marcus in the same room is important because she’s nice and chilled around him and he just lets her sleep quietly and stops people waking her up and looks after her  but I think there’s also something to be said for the fact that:

 a)- Abby hasn’t slept in two full days according to Marcus and he lets her sleep even though he knows how busy they/she are because she needs it b)-Abby not sleeping for that long and in this way I think is out of character for her; she’s a doctor, she was on the council on the Ark and she was a wife and mother as well, she had a lot on her plate but she almost certainly didn’t not sleep for 2 days because you know, I mentioned the doctor thing right? She knows it’s not healthy, it’s not good for her, it’s not something she does lightly.

I think this episode shows us the ways in which Mount Weather broke everyone. Abby is suffering and just as broken as everyone else, she’s self-destructing just not in the same explosive way as say Jasper. It’s not as outward, it’s not as obvious, but it’s very much there. She’s not taking care of herself. She’s working herself into the ground doing two massive jobs, doctor/chief of medical and Chancellor, even with Marcus and Jackson’s support that is a ridiculous task for just one person to accomplish and Raven points this out to her (albeit in a rather harsh manner) that she’s spreading herself so thin like this because she doesn’t want to deal with her pain.

Abby was tortured at Mt Weather for bone marrow (and as part of Cage’s revenge ploy) her daughter, the last member of her family she has left, has been missing for three months. Even if she’s not trying to have it on her mind all the time and isn’t making irrational, impulsive decisions to try and get her back we know that she’s worried (“Clarke?” And Raven’s small, sad shake of the head is not only heart-breaking it’s learned, she’s going through the motions, this is something they do every time they come back, they’re both just reading from a script, she doesn’t expect anything but she has to ask, has to know, and that’s really quite crushing and crushingly different from her desperate hope last season)

Then, you know, going another step further, at this point why not, I think there’s another reason for the setting and staging of this little moment. It’s clear that Abby has just fallen asleep because she’s physically exhausted and can’t stay awake anymore (I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who deliberately falls asleep sitting propped upright on a couch without even a blanket tossed over their knees) and when she has finally collapsed into sleep it’s been in a place of work; a place where she can keep her mind occupied, a place where she has Marcus to distract her, a place she doesn’t have to be alone (and I think Marcus watching over her as she sleeps and looking out for her, trying to make sure Bellamy doesn’t wake her is an extension of this; there’s someone there, someone with her, someone she can immediately talk to, immediately confess her dreams to and then immediately move on with, immediately start thinking with and working with again so she doesn’t have to linger on the things that’s tearing her soul into shreds) it’s not a personal place, it’s not her sleeping quarters, it’s not a place she’s supposed to fall asleep. Straying probably too far into the realm of personal headcanon but I don’t think Abby likes being alone, I don’t think she copes with it very well, she’s surrounding herself with other people (and other people’s problems) as a buffer and a barrier for her own so she doesn’t have to think about it, so she doesn’t have to face her own pain, face her own demons relating to all of this.

I think that episode showed the damage that people have suffered in the last three months, the way they’ve changed, the way they’ve broken and I think it does that with Abby as well. She has a very tangible arc in that episode that culminates with her telling Raven “you were right, I am spread to thin.” This is the first, to my memory, big admission of weakness or vulnerability that we have ever ever seen from Abby, it’s not something she does lightly, it’s not something that comes easily to her, it’s not something we’ve ever seen or heard from her before, this is a big moment, even if it’s said quietly but I think that’s the point?

Her whole breakdown this entire episode has been quiet, almost silent on her part. It’s all subtext, it’s all implied, it’s all something she’s trying to hide and something she’s trying to hide from.

 We see her sprawled on a chair in her office, clearly having fallen asleep because she physically couldn’t stay awake anymore; we hear from someone close to her that she hasn’t slept in two days; we see her go through motions she doesn’t really believe in but forces herself to do anyway, asking after Clarke even though she knows the answer; we watch her in that little scene with Lincoln, Raven, Jasper and Jackson all vying for her attention, all demanding that she solve a different problem as a different person; Chancellor, doctor, counsellor, friend, all wanting different pieces of her and all of them implying (and in Raven’s case pretty much outright saying) that it’s not enough, that what she’s doing, working herself to exhaustion isn’t enough because she’s not really in it, it’s just a barrier for the things she doesn’t want to go through. And all these little hints lead us up to that final admission; she is spread too thin; she is doing too much; she doesn’t want to think about it, she doesn’t want to face her own pain and I think that’s something quite big too.

So with all of that in mind I think that scene with Marcus in the beginning is incredibly important, if you see Abby’s relentless working herself to the point of exhaustion as self-destructive, as an incredibly toxic coping mechanism to block out things she doesn’t want to think about that tiny glimmer of vulnerability, watching her sleep, and Marcus encouraging this and letting her do so is important and so is the quiet mention she makes to him about her dream of the Ark, of happier times, before all of this happened.

That’s a moment of quiet vulnerability that Marcus is privy to, she’ll let herself fall asleep with him (and possibly beside him if you take my vague headcanons of them having been working side by side, him talking her through a report or his map maybe when she just couldn’t take it anymore and settled to sleep with her head pillowed against his shoulder) is important again and adds something weightier and more important to the sense of intimacy and domesticity surrounding that scene.

She feels safe with him, she allows herself a certain vulnerability in his presence, she shares little personal things with him, another vulnerability (Abby’s dreaming line and the past parallels with this are something I could write a whole other meta on) and it’s just, again, so much more depth to their scenes than originally meets the eye (or maybe I’m just obsessively analytical and looking way too closely at things…this is a deep possibility too)

Im trying to be comfortable with myself and my body no matter what bc i was so skinny last year and i remember being happy but i felt awful and i’ve gained weight because i’m eating more regularly and the better i eat the better my anxiety is and the better i feel in general. How i feel matters and how my body looks does not. So i will buy clothes in my size instead of buying them the size i was when i was 10 lbs lighter as “motivation” and I will wear crop tops shamelessly despite any belly rolls and I will take care of myself and my body and be confident that how my body looks is how it is meant to look when I do what’s best for my health.

anonymous asked:

Do you knoww what happened to Jesse (jmcats)??

he’s decided to leave the fandom for personal reasons. whether he will be back or not, i don’t know.

however, from my understanding, he’s still working on one more fic which will, of course, be posted on his ao3. so, y’all can keep a lookout for that at some point!

youtube
11 Questions

Thanks @inkstained-unicorn for tagging me!

1 what book would you recommend to everyone, why? The Ordinary Princess, it’s short and sweet and I’ve read it a million times, and even now I’m an “adult” it still makes me happy to read it :)

2 where is your favorite place? the farm/museum where i grew up, especially when all my family and friends get together out there

3 who do you wish you could meet, past or present? everyone says you shouldn’t meet your heroes, but i wouldn’t say no to getting to listen to a reading by Dickens himself 

4 favorite mythological creature/person? i don’t really have one, but various myths about different gods are always entertaining to read about

5 do you believe in ghosts or aliens or both? both for sure, i was raised on a steady diet of those trashy conspiracy documentaries

6 you have the power to erase one book/show/movie from the planet, which one? I can’t pick one, so I’ll just say every poor book that’s suffered an awful movie, and then I’d do them over, and better

7 what super power would you want? The magical ability to have all the resources to make my own movies and shows. a million adaptions of everything would follow

8 you’ve found a genie! What are your 3 wishes? A wallet that always has exactly how much money i need when i open it, and to be able to read and write all languages, and then I’d set the genie free with the last wish, of course

9 now you’re being executed for a terrible crime, what’s your last meal? probably pizza…like a papa murphy’s cowboy pizza, then i could die in peace

10 which fictional world or time period would you want to live in? The Grisha universe, even if it’s slightly dangerous, it just sounds super interesting and i’d like to experience it first hand

11 what is your pokemon type? Either your favorite, or if you were a pokemon which would you be? my favorite is squirtle, so that’s probably what i’d be :D

My questions for @foralemondrop @mozzydraws @when-not-where @till-therewas-you @theanimatedpanda @redrupees @jinglewubwubwubwub @books-books-and-oh-more-books @colourmeread @newwavebabe @still-trying-to-defy-gravity @come-home-holy-rome @inkstained-unicorn @elderring

1 What fandom got you into tumblr?

2 Have you ever written fanfiction?

3 If you could be friends with one fictional character, who?

4 Star Wars or Star Trek?

5 If you could only watch one show on Netflix/hulu forever?

6 What phase did you go through in middle school?

7 Aliens have invaded earth and are asking you to describe humanity in one sentence? 

8 Describe the weirdest dream you’ve had with 1-3 words?

9 What’s your favorite movie adaption (of books/games/etc.)?

10 What’s your favorite type of food to make yourself?

11 What movie are you most looking forward to this year?

anonymous asked:

Your portrayal is SO GOOD oh my gosh you make me cry and laugh and especially everything you do with fishmxma just leaves me in awe. It's to the point where I need to double-check headcanons and other things I write for accidental copying because I subconsciously just want to adopt some of your perfection. (-twicedarker, I ain't afraid to sign my opinion)

anonymously tell me what you think of my character portrayal. i can’t respond; i can only publish.

sararain0 asked:

I followed you because I saw you a lot on my activity and then I saw some of your rants here and there and I liked you spirit. You're not afraid to say what's your mind, that's really nice :)

Ah yes, I remember that you said that about me a few months ago in a recommendation-post from you (did I ever thanked you?? I think I forgot so thank you <33)

But really? I’ve never really thought about it that people would see me that way, but still I’m really happy about this bc this is exactly the trait I really admire on other people most of the time, so yeah, thanks again! :))

why do i keep longing for a past that was toxic for me and the people in it? why do i want so badly to reach out just to know why, why is this happening why aren’t you stopping it why can’t you just remember. remember what it was like back then when we were happy and loved each other and we were a family you guys were my home and it all got taken away so fast and i know that was my fault and i’m so fucking sorry. i’m sorry for the pain i caused i’m sorry for running but why are you doing this why are you going against him why have you let this cynicism control you the person i remember was never one to be controlled please just tell me what happened? there’s no going back now i guess. the chances i spoke of drenched in rain are gone. i’m sorry it’s been reduced down to taking sides. just remember i loved you.

I'm afraid of what people think

Like the title says, I’m afraid. Of what? I have no clue. All my life I’ve been afraid that I was a burden on others, or that no one really liked me- they’re hanging out with me because they pity me. At one point in my younger years, I thought my parents didn’t even like me. Now, they never treated me poorly, I just thought no one could ever like who I was. I was too emotional, or I was too loud, or too this or that. And I’ve spent my whole life in this constant fear that no one will accept me. Well, today one of my biggest fears came true- my planned roomie for next semester said she didn’t want to live with me. Not because she didn’t like me, or because she was tired of me, but because putting that much strain on such a fresh friendship is hard to do. Now, if I moved in with one of my friends I had know for years, maybe it wouldn’t be as bad. But… She was all I had… I don’t know how to make friends because of this constant fear.. I’ve thought the worst of myself for so long that I had created this false thought that I was not worth knowing… Tonight, I have decided that I am worth knowing… She is still going to be my friend, and we will still see each other, but I know now she didn’t say it was my character that was the problem, it was the fact that we were strangers trying to act like we’d known each other for years. That’s not always a good thing to do. Despite the small tinge of sadness I feel, I’ve decided that I’m not worthless, and that I need to stop acting like I am. People like me, they tell me that anyways, but I need to keep those people close and anyone who doesn’t like me, ok I get it. Not everyone is compatible with each other.


Sorry for the rant, but this really hit me hard tonight, and I’m just trying to put this out there. No one is worthless. No one. And if you ever feel like that, it’s ok, you’ll grow and learn that sometimes you’re your biggest enemy when it comes to these things.


Bye
-1bftw

/O/P/E/N/

Iris took a deep breath and stared at the person across the door. It had been so long since they’d spoken, but Iris still would never be ready for this. Ever. She dreaded the moment she’d have to speak another word to them, and she was afraid of what could possibly happen when she did

“Why are you here?” Iris spoke slowly, with caution in her voice, trying to keep her voice from wavering. 

Tagged by @anyathebox

What’s your favourite colour? → Right now it seems to be violet, but I still really like red. :)

Your favourite period in history and why? → I’m not too big on history in general, so I don’t think I can answer this one^^; I liked hearing about medieval times 

What are you most afraid of? → Oh this could potentially be a long list ;; I’m really scared of slugs. It’s an irrational phobia, but like….slugs, man. :C And being alone or with too many people and making huge mistakes.

Which is the best or the least worst; math, physics or chemistry? → Considering how bad I am at math, none of these are things I’m great at. Though I love learning about chemistry

How many languages do you speak and which are languages? → Just English! Though if French is spoken slowly I miiight be able to understand it

Favourite meal of the day? → Large lunches! Like when I’m at home and can eat a lot and then have a really small supper.

How do you picture the world in a 100 years? → Probably either nuclear ruin or very technologically advanced. But my guess would be closer to nuclear ruin.

Are you religious? → No, I’m firmly a nihilist. Like whether or not there’s a god doesn’t affect how I behave or look towards the future because ultimately nothing changes.

Do you believe in an afterlife? lf so how do you think it will be? → Again, not something I think about. :P

Tea or coffee? → I drink a lot of tea nowadays, but coffee is still good on occasion. And mochas are the best <3

Which is your favourite flower? → Lilacs! My grandmother has these gorgeous bushes on her property that just remind me of my childhood.

I tag @whitemistrose, @chibiblook and @pipscollection