Uber-Catholic Ireland just voted for gay marriage!!
Seriously, what is wrong with Australia? A woman is leader and we freak
out, refugees come in small numbers and we can’t deal without torturing
them, allowing a few Aboriginal people to stay on their land in the
middle of nowhere that noone else even wants is just too hard and not
worth even a piddly amount of money, and gays being able to get married
is simply out of the question. We are one of the stablest countries
politically, economically and crime-rate wise. We might literally be the
most stable. Why do we freak out about gay rights, women’s rights,
refugee rights, Aboriginal rights? It’s childish. But like, a loser
snotty child that can’t play well with others, not a good kid that’s
alright. We’re basically Cartman.
<p><b>Sweden:</b> We give 12 points to Australia ;)<p/><b>Australia:</b> oMG WHAT *blushes*<p/><b>Australia:</b> We... give 12 points to Sweden<p/><b>Sweden:</b> *smirks and gives Australia a wink*<p/></p>
You sit down and turn on BBC One for an evening of torturous music made bearable by Graham Norton’s hilarious commentary. But the voice you hear is not that cheery, camp, Irish voice. Graham is ill today so we have a new presenter in his place. Who’s voice is that? It’s familiar. Oh God. The only person who was free tonight was me, Jeremy Paxman. Holy fuck, this will be a very different show this time.
It’s Eurovision 2016 and this year, all countries have made a collective decision to properly represent their own countries by singing the songs in their native languages. Where before there was only a few songs you needed subtitles to understand, now you don’t understand any. If you want to know what the songs are about your only choice is to put up with the severely delayed, live subtitles all night long. You go insane as time after time, the singer gets to the 2nd verse but you are only just reading the words from the 2nd line.
Eurovision 2055: Russia wiped out the majority of Europe long ago. For what? Not for power, land or money. But so that the fear instilled in those countries that are left makes them vote 12 points to Russia every year. Russia has come away with full marks for the last ten years, which was the last time a country stood up to them, gave them nil points, and ended up being nuclear bombed to oblivion. Russia will always win now, for all eternity.
Australia is never the same again, after they took part in the 2015 Eurovision. They are scarred. At first it was fun. But then the PTSD kicked in. Now they all have nightmares of the flashing lights, the cheesy techno, the tedious voting system and the sickly one liners “united through the power of voice, it’s so beautiful”. No NOit’s not beautiful, it’s terrifying.
The UK has lost all hope. Yet again they failed and came home a laughing stock. We don’t care anymore, send a dog wearing a tutu for all I care. But we send Cher Lloyd and she’s a roaring success. How? Nobody knows what Cher Lloyd did to them, that memory has somehow been wiped from our minds, and when we ask her; “Cher, what did you do to win?” She smirks, winks at the camera and whispers “swagger jagger”. We will never know what that actually means.
We’re flying the flag, all over the World, flying the flag for you. Air hosts and hostessed. Flags. Aeroplane. Innuendos. Scooch. That’s it, that’s the horror.
I have been laughing for the last 10 minutes. because of "Australia come get your big ass birds" thank you for that most glorious line
If ya’ll think I’m playing, I’m not.
You’ve probably seen the post about the fuck up between the American Possum and the Australian Possum. Now let me introduce you to fuckery of the “Canadian” Goose
There is nothing Canadian about this God Damn Goose. It is not nice. It is not adorable. It’s EVIL. IT IS DIRECT. IT IS SADISTIC. THIS THING WOULD FIGHT A SNAKE AND PROBABLY WIN
THIS BIRD IS THE EPITOME OF “FIGHT ME,” AND WILL INDEED. FIGHT. ME. AND YOU. AND ANYONE ELSE IT FEELS LIKE FUCKING UP.
They come in hoards. They lounge by the parking lot. The grocery store. The highway. The hold up traffic because when they pass, the cars know better than to endure the wrath of this Canadian goose.
iT TAKES AN ARROW TO THE HEAD, NOT EVEN A KNEE, AND CONTINUES GOING ABOUT IT’S GOD DAMN BUSINESS TERRORIZING THE PUBLIC
HOW IS THIS BIRD CANADIAN? WHAT IS CANADIAN ABOUT THIS BIRD?
THIS BIRD IS A MENACING MOTHERFUCKER. IT BELONGS IN AUSTRALIA WITH THE REST OF THE DEADLY MONSTROSITIES DOWN THERE! I KNOW THE SWOOPING MAGPIES ARE A BITCH, BUT GOD DAMNIT, WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT.