what-i'm-doing-right-now

*sigh* I am so ready for a new FR breed you have no idea.

to be honest right now I feel really bad. really really bad. and I can’t fix it. everything is so pointless and everyone expects to much I can’t do it. I can’t afford to be hospitalized again I can’t do that but I’m also splitting on my counselor really bad because she ISN’T LISTENING she doesn’t believe anything I say and I’ve barely even STARTED telling her things. I’m ready to give up. I don’t care. I already relapsed once in the last few days and the only reason I haven’t done anything else is because I was too lazy isn’t that a great reason. I didn’t even have the energy to do that. I think what set this off is the realization that I’m expected to have a future. I’m supposed to provide for myself and I can’t. I’ll never be able to take care of myself. I’ll never be able to function the way I need to. I’m so pointless. and with what I was doing the last few days, thinking about facets and things, I spent most of that time panicking and dissociating because WHO AM I WHAT EVEN IS THIS. and even know. am I real? is anyone else real, is any of this real? does this even exist. am I typing this right now is antone going to reass this am I inaging all if thus is this room tge only thing that still exists is there just a void outside of it what is happening can someone talk to me please help me I need to know if this is real am I just gone I nedd help I don'r know what to do

2

“Sorry… I just wanted to feel like a normal student after this week’s ultraviolence.”

bbc.com
Palmyra's Baalshamin temple 'blown up by IS' - BBC News
Islamic State militants have blown up the ancient temple of Baalshamin at Palmyra, Syrian officials and activists say.

This is for the first night we spent together:
Your lips drawing me in and in.
I did not have the nerve to tell you how I felt.

How I felt the danger of your stare screaming over my body.
My lips.
My eyes.

I cannot keep my distance from you and I do not want to keep trying.

One a.m.
I hear you walking towards my room and my hands cannot move fast enough towards you. I want to pull your ethereal soul into my sinful soul and feel our opposite forces create a storm that I can walk beside you in.

Two a.m.
I touch you for the first time and you are shaking. You look up at me with eyes that are made of rain; a smile that makes my body tremble.

Three a.m.
I find you with your hands grabbing at my back as I close my lips around yours.
Your taste spreads throughout my bloodstream as I breathe you in;
breathe you out.
I am a raging sea and you are the moon pulling me into reality.

This is for the morning after the first night we spent together:
I think I am going to fall in love with you and
I am scared
I am scared
I am scared.