First Loves Aren’t Always The Greatest

Originally posted by eu-sunt

Originally posted by allfandoms-imagines


Summary: Damon and (Y/N) have a rocky relationship. Just perfect timing for a untimely stranger to swoop in

Pairing: Damon x Reader for now

Fandom: The Vampire Diaries, The Originals

Author: @jeffdavisspawn

I knew he was growing distant. I could feel it, the boy I first loved slipping away from me. He had come home late that night. Probably with her. I couldn’t blame him, he fell in love but it just wasn’t me.

“Hey babe.”, Damon said, closing the door behind him. He walked into the room and noticed my saddened expression. “Hey, what’s wrong?”.

I looked at him then turned my back and walked to the fire which was set ablaze. With tears brimming in my eyes, I asked, “Were you with her?”.

“What? Who? I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”, he answered almost instantly.

What was he doing? I knew that Damon could be mean sometimes but lying to my face. He owed me more that.

“I can’t do this-”

“Do what?”

“Watch as you drift away from me Damon. You’re lying to my face! It’s like you have no respect for me whatsoever.”, you confront, “So I’ll save you the trouble. I’ll leave. I’ll break up with you. I’ll do anything to stop feeling like a piece of garbage.”

With that, I walk out of the Salvatore mansion and climb into my car. Then I start drive. To nowhere really. No place. I don’t know where to go anymore.

Moments I found myself in front of the Mystic Grill. Great! At least, I’ll get a drink! As I entered the grill, I completed ordering a bourbon but then I settled for a glass of gin. Thinking about bourbon only led to a total downpour of emotions to which I drowned in the alcohol. Becoming highly intoxicated, I spotted a man with handsome features. Something was off about him. I could smell it. Werewolf? Warlock? Vampire? Definitely vampire. He shifts out of his chair and sits in the seat next to mine. “What you drinkin’ luv?”, he asked in a British dialect. I swirl the contents of my liquor in my glass and ponder.

“British and a vampire? Let me guess, a Mikaelson.”, I say. His eyebrows arch.

“I wonder which one you are. Well, I hear Elijah is always dressed to the nines so that rules him out. And Klaus has dirty blonde hair and Finn’s a big stick-in-the-mud and this is certainly not his scene.”, I ramble, thinking, “So I guess that leaves… Kol.”

I offer my hand, “Hello, Kol Mikaelson.”

  • my moms drunk friends: what are you drinkin tonight sweetie!
  • me: water
  • my moms friends: NO ! WHAT ! NO ! NO ! WHAT ? NO ! ALCOHOL ! ALCOHOL ! NO ! WATER ? NO ! ALCOHOL ! WHAT ? WHAT ? WHAT !
  • me: i mean uh haha, everything! the whole dang bar!
  • my moms friends: YAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH (cha-cha out the door with ten bottles of liquor cradled in their arms)
  • me: crisis averted
Yooseven Library AU

Requested by @lurokol

“Hmm how about yoosung and seven meet in a library while picking out the same book? And they haven’t seen each other since the party that mc helped host?”

It wasn’t because he didn’t have enough sleep. It wasn’t because he had been overworked in any way. So why did Yoosung feel so drained? To be fair, it was a slow day in the library. It’s not like being a librarian was the hardest job in the world. Honestly, it was easy. Painfully easy.

Sometimes he wondered if “librarian” was the right term he should use for what he was. Library Assistant? Nah. There was no one to assist. Nothing sounded quite right. He operated the small public library by himself most of the time, and honestly he was all the library needed. Customers left just as fast as they came, and Yoosung tended to every single one.

The library was like a second home to him. He’s been “working” there since he was fourteen, so he pretty much knew the place from the back of his hand. Granted, the library was much more booming before there was Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, and all that jazz, but he didn’t blame kids his age for rather being on their phones than hanging out at the library. To be honest, he was on his own phone most of the time, when the library was just too boring, and working at the same quiet, lonely library was literally always too boring, but something about the atmosphere of the place just put him at ease.

On some days he hated the library. On other days he loved it. He wasn’t sure which one he should ultimately decide on, because it was all just a matter of perspective. On one hand, he was nearly eighteen, in this big bad world, and he was working at probably the most boring job any eighteen year old should ever have, but on the other, he lived in what seemed like the smallest, most mediocre town in the world, and he successfully operated a library all by himself.

Yoosung grew quite fond of reading when the days alone in the library really got to him, and in some ways he was thankful for those lonely days. Today was one of them. It was a hot afternoon in the beginning of summer, not to mention, a Sunday, and there had only been a few people come in, one being his mom dropping off his lunch.

He audibly sighed, and sat down his phone. Today just happened to be one of those days when he hated the library. He couldn’t help but think of what other kids his age were doing right now. Of course, he knew what kids in this town were doing; either sports, having sex, or nothing, just like him. Nothing ever really happened in this town.

Memories of that certain trip flooded into his mind. If only he could go back.

He and his family went to New York City for New Years two years ago, and it was by far the most fun he’s had in his life. Everything was so big, eventful, and just different. He somehow snuck his way into a New Years Countdown party organized from some company called the RFA, and had the wildest night ever. Being only sixteen at the time, he did some pretty irresponsible and illegal things that he most certainly didn’t regret doing. He may or may not have had his first shot that night. Or his second.

For Yoosung, that was crazy because it was the only time he had ever been out of this town in his life for something fun. It was also crazy because that night was when he got his first kiss.

And he owed it all to him. At the party, he met someone. A boy. A boy with red hair, the goofiest yellow glasses, and an even goofier smile.

Long story short, because it was midnight, and everyone around them seemed to be sharing a New Year’s kiss- You get the picture.

Yoosung just wished he could do stuff like that everyday; go out to parties, meet people like him, have a little fun every now and then. He couldn’t, though, because he lived in the hell holes of this town.

If only he lived in New York. Parties like that probably happened all the time, and he just missed out on them. Yoosung groaned. He’d live in New York someday. He’d go to parties like that. He’d be getting kisses from guys he didn’t know left and right.

By the time he caught himself thinking about it for the hundredth time, Yoosung decided that he should probably do something more productive, and stop daydreaming. He walked over to the ‘new releases’ section, and noticed someone there. He must’ve been so caught up in daydreaming that he didn’t notice the boy walk in. He didn’t really like seeing kids from school at the library. It was kinda awkward, if you think about it. “Hey. I’m Yoosung, and this is where I spend all my free time.” He awkwardly bowed his head in hopes to avoid any awkward eye contact. Once he was there, awkwardly standing right beside of the kid, he decided to look up. Still avoiding eye contact, his eyes darted to the books until he found the one. Trials Of Apollo. He smiled. He saw it when he was putting it on the shelf for the first time, but he had never actually read it yet himself.

Glad that nobody had taken it yet, he extended a hand, and went to grab it, only to bump into another hand. He looked up to see who the hand belonged to, and memories of the party came flooding back to him.


He was standing by himself at the stairs, eating ice. Maybe coming to this party wasn’t such a great idea. Maybe parties weren’t all they’re hyped up to be.

His thoughts were interrupted by a cute red-head. Scratch that, a hot red-head.

“Hey.” The boy leaned against the hand rail, next to him.

“Uh hi.” Yoosung half-smiled.

“Not to be rude, but aren’t you a little young to be at a party like this?” He quirked an eyebrow.

Yoosung swallowed. Was he that obvious?

“I um- yeah. I’m sixteen…”

The other boy smiled. “Seventeen.” He extended his hand for Yoosung to shake. That meant that the other boy was too young to be here, also.

“What are you drinkin’?” Seven asked, looking into Yoosung’s cup.

“Well, nothing.. I just-”

“You managed to sneak into a 21+ party, and you’re not even drinking?”

“Well, I’ve never drank before, and I don’t think-”

“C'mon. Have some fun. Drink a little. I won’t tell anyone.” He winked.

“I- okay.” Yoosung let his hand be taken by the other boy, and lead into the kitchen.

“Wait,” Yoosung asked, and stopped them, “I never got your name.”

The boy just smiled at him, and continued to lead him to the drinks.


Yoosung instantly drew his hand away, still eyeing the boy.

“Hey, Yoosung.” The boy smiled.

Yoosung’s breath hitched. He remembered him.

“Hey..” he looked to the ground.

“What are you doing here?”

“I work here.”

“You work here? As in, this is your job, and you live somewhere around-”


The boy smiled again. “Well, how about that? I thought summer here was going to be boring.”

Yoosung looked back up at him, frightened. A summer with this kid probably wasn’t the greatest idea. It be fun, yes, but this kid’s idea of fun was kissing strangers at midnight, and sneaking into adult parties.

“Awh. Why that face? Do you not like me?” The read-head put on a fake pouty face.

“I, uh-” Yoosung started, only to be interrupted by the boy, once again.

“You seemed to like me that one night at the party. Remember when it was midnight and we-”

“I don’t remember anything from that night,” Yoosung lied, “I was drunk.”

“I’m calling b.s. You weren’t drunk. I remember.”


“Maybe, but that still doesn’t hide the fact that you,” he pointed at Yoosung, “kissed me.” He pointed back at himself.

“You kissed me.”

“Yeah. After you had done started kissing me.”


Yoosung went to take another shot.

“Woah, take it easy. It’s your first time drinking. You should probably go a little slower.” The mystery boy laughed.

“I’ll be fine~” Yoosung smiled at him.

Something about that was really sweet. This seventeen year old kid who apparently had a history of sneaking into parties like this has stopped him from taking his third shot. He was concerned for Yoosung’s well being. This kid, who knew it better than anyone, stopped him.

The boy grabbed his hand, and made way to the dance floor.

“It’s almost time for the ball drop,” he started, “lets go count down!”

Yoosung trailed behind the kid, trying not to bump into any of the gross, sex-driven 21 year olds grinding on each other, even though the music had stopped.







Yoosung and the boy looked at each other, and started counting with the rest of the house.










It suddenly got a a lot quieter all of the sudden, and Yoosung looked around. Awkward. It seemed as if every single person on the dancefloor was kissing someone.

Trying to find a way to make the situation less awkward, Yoosung decided to hug the boy. That wouldn’t be so bad, would it? Showing the boy some affection, but not full-on kissing him? Yoosung, and the boy separated.

“Thanks.” The boy smiled sweetly.

“I um… no problem…”

Don’t get him wrong, Yoosung did want to kiss the boy, but he wasn’t sure if that’s what the boy wanted. If only there was a sign that the boy wanted to kiss him back.

Slow music started to play, desperately trying to add to the “New Year’s kiss” kind of mood, and that’s when Yoosung got an idea.

“Wanna dance?” He asked, blushing a bit.

The boy nodded. “Sure. Wanna be the boy or the girl? You’re a little bit shorter so, I assume you wanna be the girl?”

Yoosung didn’t think about that. He had never danced with another guy before, only girls. He had always been the boy. What did being the girl feel like? He wasn’t sure if he was comfortable with being the girl.

“I’ve never..” he trailed off, still looking into the red-head’s eyes.

The boy sighed happily, most-likely understanding. He took Yoosung’s arms, and put them on his waist right before putting his hands around Yoosung’s neck. It was a little awkward because he was taller than Yoosung, but only by a few inches, so it wasn’t too unbearable.

That made Yoosung’s heart thump. That whole gesture. The boy understood. Although it was the better choice to have Yoosung dance the female part, he took Yoosung’s feelings into account, and let him dance the male. He may have been a little wild, but this kid was sweet. The blonde’s eyes darted up to look into the taller boy’s, and his stare was met. The other boy’s eyes eyes trailed down to look at Yoosung’s lips, and then back up to his eyes.

‘Now or never’ Yoosung thought. He closed the space in between them, and kissed the other boy softly. It was obvious that the read-head was taken by surprise, but he kissed back only moments later. It only got heated from there when the taller boy’s hands went from around Yoosung’s neck to his cheeks, kissing him more forcefully, and Yoosung pulled his hips closer.

They both weren’t sure how long the kiss went on, but it was nice.


“It’s not like you didn’t obviously hint around that you wanted me to.” Yoosung said, looking away to avoid the eye contact that he oh so hated.

“That’s true. I did want you to kiss me, and if you didn’t, I probably would’ve kissed you myself.”

This made Yoosung blush. He was so flustered at the moment that he couldn’t think of any words to say, so he changed the subject.

“So why are you here?” He asked, looking back up to the boy who had gotten taller since he had seen him last.

“Ah. Funny story, actually. Turns out, my parents caught me sneaking out for another party, and basically found out that I’ve been going to them for years now. My grandma lives here, and I guess it’s my punishment, being away from my friends in this place with nowhere to go, and nothing to do all summer,” he smiled, “guess it isn’t such a punishment now, is it?”

Yoosung blushed again. “You never even gave me your name.”

“Seven. Call me Seven.”

And from that point on, the library got a lot less lonely.

(I really hope you still enjoyed it, although I changed a few things. Thank you sososososo much for the prompt. I loved writing it!)

Jukebox Hero

Title: Jukebox Hero

Pairing: Reader x Ash

Word Count: 1,660

Theme songs: You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC, Alright Now by Free

Request: Can you do an ash imagine? Like I don’t care what the plot is, I just really want one! Please?!


Your name: submit What is this?


Your boots clipped heavily along the worn wooden floor of the bar you’d just entered the dusty and splintered doors of. The Roadhouse, that was the name. You’d heard of it in stories your dad used to tell when he talked about his hunts, and you’d passed by the place a time or two in your own travels, just never had the want to pull over. But the moon was just right tonight and the road too long in front of you to pass up stopping for a drink or two.

Not many people inside, but the ones that were there were a rough crowd, gnarled and road-worn, like the way you felt. You’d all seen a hard day’s night or two you could guess. They may not look the most friendly, but they were still your kind of people and you felt at ease as you strode towards the bar, taking a seat on an uneven stool there and catching the eye of the long-haired woman working the place.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

you could write an one shot tiny thing about that vampire post you reblogged but with Cass and Jesse lmao

Yes, omg lol. Had to write this quick before bed - I was laughing too much to leave it until morning. Also, the post Anon is referring to (I believe) is here. 

Jesse and Cass were buds now, the tight kind where all secrets were spilled and they had an identical sense that they’d be joined for years—if not decades—to come. Working in the Texan heat, it was the most natural thing in the world for Jesse to gesture impatiently, demanding Cass’ water bottle. Digging graves was hard work. Don’t be a greedy asshole about it.

So Cass passed the bottle over… and Jesse spewed blood down the front of his shirt.

What the fuck—!” he cut off with a gag. One hand flew to his mouth while the other clutched his spasming stomach.

Cass just planted his spade and leaned into it, chortling. “Well, what did you think I was drinkin’, eh?



“Mornin’—ah. You don’t want to be… shite.”

Too late. Sleep addled and vaguely hung over, Jesse had wandered blindly into the kitchen, making a beeline for the last of the coffee, which just happened to be in Cass’ hand. He took a swing and, after the lurch, actually managed to keep the contents in his mouth, though his pallor lost a few shades it couldn’t afford.

Cass shrugged sheepishly. “I like addin’ in a bit of extra in the mornings. Of the A-Positive variety.”

“I hate you,” Jesse seethed, lips white and trembling.

“Yeah. Expect ya do.”


Emily tapped her pen against the clipboard. “Now for the fundraiser, you’ll…?”

“Provide the drinks,” Cass offered, grinning maniacally.

Jesse’s glare was swift. “You won’t.”

“Fuckin’ stop me.”


When Jesse found brown splatters in the church microwave he didn’t think much of it. All sorts were cooked to death in that old thing. When he found the splatters fresh and a much brighter red than he was expecting though…

An hour later Cass was back, whistling, popping his mug inside and slamming the door. Jesse watched hypnotized as it spun, round and round.

“There’s blood in my microwave,” he stated.

“Yep.” Cass did a little side-step dance to a beat only he could hear. “I’ll clean it later an’ all that. Don’t get your holy knickers in a twist.”

Jesse shook his head slowly. “You heat it?”

“Ain’t natural to be drinkin’ blood cold, padre. Get’s all…” Cass waved a hand. “Viscous,” and he peered at Jesse like he was the crazy one.

“Right. How could I have been so stupid.”

“Hell if I know.”


“Just tell me where you got it.”

“Now c’mon, don’t go forcin’ us down that road…”


“I don’t know, okay! You think I keep a bloody list of every wanker I store up from? … heh. ‘Bloody.’”


“… Right. Okay. I see what’s goin’ on here. You’re just pissed ‘cause I finished the last of the whiskey and used the bottle for my O Negative—”

“I could have drunk that!”

“Yeah, well, maybe it would have done you some good…”

“Get—goddamit, Cassidy, get back here—”


They sat down to dinner together—plates, cutlery, glasses. Jesse was careful to keep their cups separate and made a show of choosing his cautiously, each and every time.

Cass finally sighed around his pasta. He stuffed another forkful into his mouth. “I appreciate the attempt at revenge, padre,” he mumbled. “I really do, but you realize the whole garlic thing is just a myth, yeah?” and Cass bit into a whole clove, deliberately.

Jesse shrugged and took a resolute sip of his drink. His water.

“Worth a shot,” he muttered.


Friends with Benefits – Pt. 5

Summary: Dean Winchester and the reader been really good friends for ages, bad ass hunters and also friends with benefits. Right now Dean’s a hot chick.This takes place on season 11.

Author: deanwinchester-af

Characters: Dean, Reader, Sam

Pairings: Dean x Reader

Word Count:1200+

Warnings: Comedy, Fluff and Angst.

A/N: Hope you guys like it, feedback is so much appreciated as always ♥ Wanna announce this series will have 10 parts!!!! 

Let me know what you think?


PARTS: 01, 02, 03, 04

Dean  knows there is something bothering you, something you been keeping from him for a while now. He also knows for experience not to ambush you with questions. He also knows that when you’re ready to talk about what’s going through your mind, you will tell him… Or at least is how it usually goes when any of you are annoyed or upset about something but today is a whole different story. You had a one night stand with his little brother, Sam three years ago  you regret it afterward and it has haunted you ever since.

Fingers snapping made you get out of your own thoughts.

“Earth to (Y/N)!” Dean shouts, still snapping his thin fingers.

You shook your head; eyebrows frowned and glare at him. “What?”

“What?” Dean’s women voice rose, “You haven’t said a word since we left the bunker.”

“I do that.”

Dean frowns and says, “You don’t.”

You turn your head, glaring into his female eyes. “Dean, I don’t wa-“

“I know,” Dean cut you off, giving you his usual “Take your time and we’ll talk about it later” look “and we’re here.”

Keep reading

Just Haven’t Met You Yet

Christmas gift for @tonythegirl because they’re an adorable smolbean who’s also a super fucking talented artist and I just need them to know they’re gr9

Gabriel Novak was the unluckiest man on Earth, and everyone knew it. Not because he was a sarcastic and handsome devil who liked sweets just that bit too much, leaving him with a small chubby stomach. Nope, Gabriel was the most unlucky person because his soulmark, inscribed on the inside of his wrist, said Hello.

 He threw the drink he was holding back, swallowing and scrunching his face from the cinnamon burning of the fireball whiskey.

I’m not surprised,

Not everything lasts.

He ran his thumb over the hello on his wrist and sighed as the barman poured him another drink. A woman slid into the chair beside him, already drunk, chest half out her dress. Gabriel just turned his head as she purred a ‘what you drinkin’?’ into his ear.

 “None of your business.” he mumbled back, and she looked hurt as he glimpsed a Fireball on ice on her wrist. Good thing he didn’t take ice.

I’ve broken my heart so many times I’ve stopped keeping track.

It was true - he had had his heart broken so many times. The amount of people who’d said hello to him, and he’d gotten hopeful, only to find out it was a waste to get all excited. So he stopped getting excited whenever someone said hello. What was the point?

Talk myself in, I talk myself out

I get all worked up just to let myself down.

So many times he’d heard a hello, looking up from whatever he was doing, and spotted someone who he wouldn’t mind being his soulmate. And he couldn’t help but let himself worked up over it because what if this was the one? But it never was.

I tried to very hard not to lose it.

I came up with a million excuses

I thought I thought of every possibility.

With every hello that came and was ultimately unsuccessful human being he tried not to lose his goddamn mind. He’d spend hours staring at himself in the mirror, trying to convince himself that one day the right hello would come, though it didn’t feel like it a lot of the time. He’d look at himself, and think up of so many reasons why he hadn’t seen his soulmate yet. All the usual things, he had a too common mark, maybe his soulmate lived too far away, maybe Gabriel was the one who spoke first What could he say that ended in a hello? He’d spend hours pacing his apartment floor, debating how, when, who. At 25 years of age Gabriel Novak decided he wasn’t just the unluckiest man, but he was the loneliest too.

And I know someday that it’ll all turn out

His own personal mantra. He’d know. He knew that one day, one day it had to work out, right? He wouldn’t, couldn’t be alone forever. One day he’d find the person he was looking for. And it might take him a while to find him or her, but i would be so worth it when he did.

You’ll make me work so we can work to work it out

And I promise you kid, that I’ll give so much more than I get

 “Hello?” a voice said from behind him, and Gabriel spun on his seat, the voice sending a shiver down his spine as he looked up at the giant of a man, with a soft smiling face and glittering gentle eyes. He was handsome, so fucking handsome, handsome enough that he knew that were was no way he was talking to Gabriel. But he humoured him, because… well. He could work for it. He’d work for it if this was his soulmate.

 “Is it me you’re looking for?” he raised an eyebrow as he sipped his drink, and in that moment Pretty Man’s smile faltered, before coming back twice as strong, nearly throwing his drink onto the bar as he grabbed Gabriel by the face and crushed his lips to his in a kiss. “Mmph!” Gabriel squealed before realising that the man was a very, very good kisser, and he let himself kiss back, eyes closing into it. As the man pulled back, Gabriel’s lips parted as he blinked, trying to clear his head from what happened, the man pushed his sleeve up. And there was the shitty joke that Gabriel just made.

I just hadn’t met you yet.

Gabriel dropped his drink as he stood, ignoring the height difference between them as he dragged the man down for another heated kiss, heart swelling in joy.

 “Sam.” he whispered against Gabriel’s lips and it took him a moment to realise this was an introduction.

 “Gabriel.” he murmured back, ignoring the people around them who were cheering around a small TV set as a countdown started.

 “So, hello was your soulmark?” Gabriel nodded with a laugh. God it sounded so fucking shitty but it didn’t matter, it didn’t matter anymore.

 “Listen - kid, I’ll - I know, I… fuck. I promise you kid, I’ll give you so much more than I get, you’re - god, I never expected someone like you -”

 “Gabriel, I don’t even know you, but you’re perfect.” he whispered as the countdown hit ONE and party poppers exploded around them both, hough neither noticed. Honestly? They were both just lost in the others eye.

are we in the clear yet

are we in the clear yet

She was told that alcohol was bad for her, and that boys are good for nothing. She was told that sunsets are beautiful and the world is messy; the bedroom and the untidy bed, the kitchen with piled up plates, the hair in the wind and the words; the words that scratch themselves into your head and heart until it burns. She’s still drinking.

He reminded her of the sea. She watches as he rushes back to her and then pulls himself away with each wave, taking a piece of her with him each time he disappeared. She wished she’d learnt how to swim, to keep herself afloat, but she’s still coughing up the water from the last time he let her drown; from the last time she took in a desperate gulp of him and was left to choke on the fire it left in her throat.

It’s funny. How she lets him crawl back to her when she breaks his heart, how she lets him use her, lets herself fix him up again only for her to pull apart his stiches. She’ll do it though, she’ll take it, because she’s selfish and if this is the only way she can have him, she’ll take it. Because she’s tried everything, every goddamn thing, to make her heart feel like it’ll burst the way it did next to him but she’s come short. He’s her best friend, and hell, maybe one day she can be something he’s addicted to.


His doom room was as small as shit. He was tripping over fallen over boxes because there was no damn room to put them anywhere, his bed was pushed against the wall and he had about four steps between that and the door. But he smiled nonetheless, because he’d finally done it. He’d made it to uni and he’s so ready for the parties and the girls and the sex, and his English major, he supposed.

It didn’t take long to unpack his clothes into the chipped and faded dresser crammed against the wall, and he figured he could wait a while until he unpacked the rest. So he let himself fall back onto his bed and just take a breath. A deep breath, taking in that smell of cardboard and clean sheets and change. He pulled out his phone and let it shuffle and then he glanced out his dorm window and watched as people struggled to tug their suitcase along the cracked pavements, and the parents as they watched on with sad, proud eyes. He jumped as the door slammed open, knocking his head on the windowsill and swore.


He turned his head, rubbing the slight bump that’d already risen to find a girl staring back at him.

“Um, hello?”


They stared at each other again. She looked sweet, dressed in black skinnies and a vest top with docs laced up to her ankles and her strawberry blonde hair pulled over her right shoulder.

“Um- what’s up?” He asked.

“This is my dorm? Right?”

“Room 201?”

“Shit,” She sighed, cheeks flushing a deep red, “Thought this was 102, m’dyslexic, sorry,”

He grinned,

“S’okay, need a hand?” He gestured to one of the fallen bags that’d slipped from her fingers and she nodded sheepishly,


“M’Calum,” He extended his hand and she smiled at him, and he watched as her nose scrunched up and her lips widened to reveal slightly wonky teeth, and she leaned up close to kiss his cheek,



She found that although she hates it, she’s an open book to anyone who pays her the slightest bit of attention. But Calum taught her a lesson one night when they’d taken a walk away from campus to the park, late at night when he found himself staring at a blank piece of lined paper for the past two hours, suffering from writers block because who the fuck cares about Shakespeare?

“Y’know,” He murmured, as he shoved his hands in his pockets and glanced at her, watched as she kept her eyes on the floor, watched her feet take the next step, watched as they crunched on dead, fallen leaves, “You shouldn’t let yourself rant to the first person who acts like they care.” He paused as her walk slowed, shoulders slumped and defeated. He smiled, “You’re lucky I do. I wonder how the universe came up with someone like you.”

And he kept walking and she let her mouth fall open slightly, watching his figure slowly fade into the darkness before he stretched out a hand, fingers wiggling for her, without looking back. Pink coloured her cheeks and a shiver shot down her spine as she raced forward to catch his fingers with hers.

He found his inspiration in her that night, as his messy scrawl raced across the paper, ink smudging against his wrist.


“I fucking hate history.” She flared, banging his door open and falling short when she stumbled across Calum curled up, asleep, with his mouth open slightly, a piece of half-filled paper stuck to his cheek. She smiled, before closing the door quietly and setting herself down on the floor by his head, letting herself reach out to play with his hair softly, biting her lip when he nuzzled against her palm, a content mumble leaving his unconscious lips. Her fingers twisted themselves in his thick strands to ground herself, stop herself from letting her heart beat a little faster, to stop her palms from sweating and she swallowed the lump forming in her throat. She let herself lean forward, forehead nudging his slightly and she closed her eyes, letting herself fall into a light sleep, ignoring her back aching in protest.

And when he woke her up, with a teasing grin and a deeper voice, thick with sleep and hair mussed up from his pillow and her fingers, she didn’t mind. She didn’t mind it at all, as she traced the words that’d tattooed themselves onto his skin and the smooth puff of his cheek, from the essay he fell asleep on. And perhaps it was odd, for her to have found comfort in him so quickly. But it’s nice, she decided, to find a little bit of you in someone else.

She let herself trust him, blindingly so, as he became her closest friend. And he let himself trust her enough to catch him before he made a stupid decision, which, seemingly, was a lot.


It was the last Saturday of their first month and she found herself down at the beach, let herself be persuaded by Cal and Luke to join in with the start of uni bonfire. The air was warm, though she shivered and rubbed her arms against the slight wind that’d been forced towards them by the crashing waves. He noticed, and let his hand take her place in rubbing her arms in hope to warm them up, creating a hot fire where his fingers touched. He tugged her along then, and she let herself be dragged towards Michael and Ashton, with his girlfriend who pulled her in for a hug.

“What you drinkin’?” She asked, eyes dancing between the bottles left in ice buckets by the pier. She shrugged,

“Whatever you’ve got is fine,”

And she decided that there was nothing prettier than laying back and watching the stars at two in the morning, with the sounds of her new friends and the crackling of a fire and the collapse and fall of the waves against the sand, and she was never more content than when he lay down beside her with a smile on his face and a beer bottle against his lips.

“I met this girl,”

And then the wind seemed sharper, colder as it stabbed against her skin. The waves seemed louder, seemed to crash more violently before they shrank back into the oceans depths.


He grinned, eyes crinkled and she couldn’t help but return it, not when she found his smile to be prettier than the stars,

“Her name’s Ella. She’s in one of my lectures.”

“S’nice,” She replied, letting herself steal his bottle to drown the dregs of it, chase down that bitter taste that was building up in her mouth. He laughed and ruffled up her hair, before pulling her up and towards the burning fire, its flames losing height as she watched the logs turn black with the heat.

A circle gathered, and Calum pulled out a guitar with Luke and she listened as their voices came together. She didn’t know he could sing, and she let herself get lost in it. The softness to his voice, the slight lisp to his words and the drag of ‘darling’ against his tongue. She shivered, and he glanced over at her with warm eyes and wind swept hair before Michael decided now was a good a time as any for skinny dipping.


 Thoughts are made to wage war against your mind, she decided, as the thought of him even looking at someone else that wasn’t her made her heart burn in an uncomfortable way because dammit three months. Three fucking months and she’s sure that he’s the missing part to her constellations, the line that pulled all the parts of her together, that made her feel happy.

Which is how she found herself trying to convince him to come with her, to take her to the tattoo parlour down on 5th street because she knows she’ll chicken out if he doesn’t come and let her grip his hand in her sweaty ones.

But she doesn’t. She doesn’t, because if he came it’ll add a whole other level of significance to it and she doesn’t want that, she doesn’t want him to ruin this tattoo for her. So she convinced Michael to come instead. He’s got tattoos, and she knows he’ll look after her.

“Ready, doll?” He asked, shaking out his hair and ruffling it untidily at the back, hand clutching his phone.

“Yeah,” She said breathily and he smiled encouragingly, throwing a careless arm around her shoulder as he led her out of her dorm room,

“You’ll be fine, it doesn’t even hurt that much. Where’d you want it again?”

“My thigh.” She replied and with the look he gave her, she sighed in frustration. He put his hands up in defence and chuckled, “Don’t worry, I’ll hold your hand,”

“You’re supposed to be making me feel less nervous,” She grinned, rolling her eyes. They entered the common room, and her gaze immediately fell on Calum’s. He smiled at her, and Ella clung closer to his body and it was slightly sickening,

“Where you two going?” He asked, eyebrows raising at the arm around her shoulder.

“Out.” She replied shortly, watching as his face fell slightly and she bit her lip, immediately feeling guilty about it, “Sorry, I mean, we’re just gonna grab a coffee.”

“Oh, fancy getting me one?”

Michael sighed as he led her out the door,

“Now we have to get coffee. You’re buying.”

The buzz of thousands of needles was unnerving, and the door chimed as she opened it with Mikey’s encouraging hand on her back. She gave her name to the desk and she let herself take in the designs of other tattoos, let herself flick through the laminated pages and pointing some out to him she thought he’d like.

“I like the bands,” He said, pointing to the plain, thick bands of black that wrapped around someone’s forearm.


“Mm, might get it,”

And then her name was called out and she set herself down in the chair, clammy skin sticking uncomfortably to the leather as she pulled up her skirt. She gave her the picture of the constellation of her star sign, Aries, and then closed her eyes, clutching Michael’s hand as she prepared for the ache of it. And maybe it was ironic that she’s using pain to relive herself from pain.


“D’you like it?” Mikey asked, “April, you need to open your eyes to see it, you twat,”

“Oh, right, yeah,” She laughed shakily, peeling her eyes open and unclenching her jaw, letting her eyes fall down the red skin and the pretty pattern of several dots and her own moles that dotted her skin connected with a thin line. It was simple and subtle and perfect, and she let a smile stretch across her bitten lips, “I love it,”

“Good,” He smiled, and after she’d paid and gathered the aftercare information from the girl with the spider bite piercings and tattoos snaking up her neck, she let herself be led out by Michael, who was clutching her number in his palm, “Calum’s gonna fucking love it, y’know,”

“You think so?”

He nodded, “He’s got such a thing for tats,”

And she smiled. Maybe one day he’d have a thing for her too.

“You’re back,” Calum smiled as turned off the TV and stood up to stretch, revealing the warm, smooth expanse of his stomach that was all too tempting, “Did you bring me a coffee?”

“Ah, shit,” Michael remembered, before grinning, “Anyway I gotta run, show him April,” And he pulled her in for a quick hug before ducking back out the door.

“Show me what?” He questioned, nose scrunched up slightly and she poked it before taking his hand and heading towards her room, “Show me what, A?”

“Be patient,”

She closed the door and let herself lean against it and smiled at him,

“I got a tattoo.”

He jumped up from the place he’d taken on her bed, his eyes warm with excitement, dark with something else.

“Really? What? Where? Show me.”

She hesitated,

“Show me,” He demanded, a whining to his voice and she giggled before reaching down to tug up the hem of her skirt, “Oh, um,”

“It’s on my thigh, jackass,” She rolled her eyes and he smiled sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck slightly. She hitched her skirt up until it sat around her waist, her underwear on full display as she revealed the sensitive area of her painted skin and wrapped her arms around her stomach self-consciously as she watched him gaze at her, eyes focused on the dots and moles etched into her pale skin. He made his way over until he was close enough to drop to his knees and reach up and she gasped as a large, cold hand wrapped itself around her opposite hip.

“Sorry, this okay?” He murmured and she nodded, though her body shook with it, “Does it hurt?”

“Yeah, bit,” She replied thickly, the sight of his head between her thighs made her knees weak and his grip on her hip tightened. He lifted a thumb up to lightly trace the contours of it through the cling film that was wrapped around it, follow the thin line to draw out the shape.

“What ‘bout that?”

She shook her head, and he glanced up at her, eyes slightly glassy before staring down again, at the mark that would be permanently stained into her ivory thigh. He leaned closer, lips almost touching and fuck, her legs were shaking now as nimble fingers came down to tighten in his hair, watched as his eyes fell closed and his mouth parted slightly, and then he let out a cool breath onto the red hot skin and she whimpered. His eyes opened again, almost lazily and he smiled, thumb tracing circles on her waist,

“Feel good?” He inquired, voice lower and lips shiny as his tongue flicked out to wet them, her eyes wide as she followed its movements and her hip and thigh burned where he held her. “Again?”

She nodded, and her leg jerked as he blew over the damaged skin, almost kneeing him in the chin and he chuckled, lips brushing high up on her thigh and, holy shit, he was way too close, but not close enough and she could feel her body flush, and her nerves were alight with it as her grip in his hair tightened alongside his on her hips. Her skirt began to fall, sliding back down to cover up her hips and legs.

“Can I- um, take it off?” He asked hesitantly, pulling it down impatiently with the nod of her head, encouraging her to step out of the fallen material.

“S’really hot,” He murmured throatily, refocusing and letting his finger press down against cling film for a second until she jerked away in pain, watched as his eyes flashed, and he sucked his bottom lip into his mouth before asking,

“D’you have any lotion?”

“Hm?” She asked dazedly, as he pressed forward again, leaving feather light kisses against her, nose so close to the hem of her underwear that she shivered with the feel of it.

“Lotion, April, for your tat? I could put it on for you,” He suggested, taking in her surprised eyes and he recoiled slightly before stammering over his words, “I mean-only if you want to,”

“Yeah, yes, its um-it’s in the bag.”

She felt cold when he withdrew to fetch it, but she caught the way his eyes found their way back to her every few seconds and he returned eagerly, a hand coming to grip the back of one of her thighs, fingers skimming the curve of her bum, carefully unravelling the protective clingfilm before uncapping the bottle, pouring it onto his fingers before glancing up at her,

“This okay?” He asked, voice slightly breathless and lips parted and she hated how attractive he was, how he thought it was okay to have this effect on her. Long fingers reached up to rub it in slowly, and she hissed at the contrast of cold on hot and let her head knock back against the door,

“Feels good,” She muttered, and god, she was so turned on she could barely breath and his lips pressed against her leg again, kissed his way up and around her tattoo, and he paused as his nose skimmed her underwear again, and fuck, she could feel as much as hear when he took in a breath of her and this was too fucking much, and she swore her legs were going to give way and the room had suddenly gotten so fucking warm and she pushed the away the hair that’d fallen out of place away from his eyes so she could see them. God, she loved his eyes.

A phone rang then, the voices of Good Charlotte escaping his phone left forgotten on the bed and they both jumped and he scrambled backwards, eyes wide and hair slightly mussed from her grip and he swore under his breath before pulling his phone up to his ear,

“Hello?” His eyes met hers, and she watched as his lips turned up into a slightly guilty smile, “Hi, Ella,”

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

She scrambled for her pyjamas on her bed, dodging him like he was smoke threatening to choke her as he crept up her lungs and down her throat,

“Hey, April? I’m gonna go see Ella, I’ll come by later, okay?” He smiled, kissed her cheek swiftly and then he was gone. Gone like they hadn’t almost nearly – well she didn’t really know what that was. What the fuck was that? She fell to the bed, thigh throbbing and rubbed her head. Her head throbbed too, and she felt like she could dissolve into the sky, and maybe there she could find some peace of mind.


Life isn’t fair. It’s isn’t fair that she missed the bus because her lecturer kept her behind, it isn’t fair that she was struggling when everyone else seemed to understand. It isn’t fair, how she’s lost in herself when others know who they are. It isn’t fair how she can’t seem to get letters to stay in their rightful place, and it isn’t goddam fair that she gets to have him when she shouts at him, and it isn’t fair how she doesn’t know how lucky she is when all she wants in the world is what she has. And she didn’t mean to fall in love, she didn’t. But, god, at some point she blew it. And for that, she knew that life wasn’t fair. But he was the sweetest hell she’d ever been too, and maybe that was worth burning for.

It was winter break when his auntie grew sick. She’d developed a tumour in her lung, and she watched as it slowly broke him down. They were close, he told her, told her all about the holidays they’d had together, and how she was like a second mum to him. He told her about that prank they pulled on his sister together that’d backfired and Mali had been left with half an eyebrow for two weeks, and that every Christmas he’d help her bake cookies even though he always burnt them.

He skyped her as often as the hospital allowed, or when his dad would hand her his phone with Calum on face time the other side, watching out in case they got busted by one of the nurses. He always asked April stay when they skyped and she never left his side. She often sat on the floor, crossed legged with her forehead resting on his knee while he spoke, drawing patterns on his leg with her finger. And she listened as his voice quietened over the weeks, how he lost his cheerful smile and her favourite crinkly eyes and it was heart breaking.

“I don’t want her to miss Christmas.” He muttered one night after he’d shut the laptop lid and was left sitting, staring out the window.

“I know,” She consoled. And Calum found something comforting in the ‘I know’, even if she didn’t. He knew she’d always try to know for him, and that was enough.

His auntie died on Christmas Eve. He rang her up at quarter past two in the morning, hiccupping slightly,

“A?” He whispered. She blinked the sleep away from her eyes and propped herself up on her elbows,

“Cal?” She waited for a reply but all she got was the occasional hiccup, “Cal, what’s happened?”

“M-my auntie. She-she-,” He didn’t finish the sentence but she was already slipping into some socks and a jumper,

“S’okay, I’m on my way,”

 His eyes were red, his cheeks blotched and his lips bitten red and sore, nails bitten down as low as his finger allowed. She crept into his room and peeled back the duvet to lay down next to him, pulling him in until he buried his face in her neck and sobbed. Hot tears puddled into her neck and his chest heaved and she couldn’t help the tears that escaped her eyes too, as she whispered sweet nothings into his hair and pressed kisses to his forehead, damp with cold sweat.

He’d pushed up, eyes catching hers, letting her in at his most vulnerable, at his most hurt. And she murmured another,

“I know baby,” Against his cheek and he nudged up to softly press his lips to hers.

It was nothing like their first kiss should have been. His lips sought comfort, and a desperate need for distraction so she allowed it and swallowed down the fire that was bursting out of her chest because this wasn’t about her, this was for him, god, it was all for him. She let him take whatever it was he wanted, whatever he needed because she was his in every sense of the word. He just didn’t know it.

At her funeral, he was silent. Barely uttered a word the way there but he took her hand in his and laced their fingers tightly together and they remained that way until the journey back, where she let his hand go and watched as he fell into the arms of his girlfriend rather than hers. She let him rant to her about Ella, about how gorgeous she was, and about how great it was be with her. And she never thought that love could make you feel as shit as this. Love, she thought, was shit.


Ella broke up with him two months later, and he found himself drunk, sad, confused and horny, as he stumbled towards her room.

“April?” He called, banging her door, “Appppppril,”

He frowned when she didn’t answer, and pushed open the door, eyes widening and lips parting as his glassy gaze caught sight of her, head thrown back and eyes shut, back arching and he could see the curves and the stretch of muscles across her smooth belly because, holy fuck, she was naked and her fingers were moving slowly, teasingly over herself and his breath caught in his throat and oh god she looked gorgeous. She let out a small noise, and he couldn’t help but move, move towards her to get a better look, maybe even a touch. He stumbled over something on the floor and she jumped, eyes widening when she noticed his figure in the dark of her room,

“Calum!” She squealed, clamping her legs closed and bringing up her arms to cover herself, and he watched as a warm blush made its way up her body and burn in her cheeks.

“Don’t stop.” He whined, moving closer and parting her legs so he could settle between them, gazing up at her with wide eyes and an open mouth. She tried to close them again, but he took her ankles and locked them around his chest,

“What’re you doing here?” She exclaimed, squirming under his gaze, “Ever heard of knocking?”

“I did knock! S’not my fault you didn’t hear me,” He mumbled childishly, “Can you keep going for me?”

She gasped for breath, eyes closed as she shook her head, trying to get a coherent thought on what the fuck was going on. And holy shit, she felt so embarrassed and exposed, yet her fingers were itching to get back to their previous position and he was looking at her like he wanted to ruin her and it made her hips shift and her back arch slightly and he licked his lips, fingers reaching out to run along the planes of her stomach, the curve under her boobs and the slight jut of her hips,

“God, please,” He mumbled, and she watched him with curious eyes, taking in the slight slur to his words, “You look so fucking gorgeous like this,”

“What’s happened Cal?” She asked quietly, though her words were airy and her thighs were clenching under his gaze,

“Nothing.” And she watched as his jaw clenched.

And she lifted his chin up, away from her body and to her, and took in his darkened gaze and the slight pout to his lips,

“You’ve been drinking. Wanna talk about it?”

He shook his head adamantly, fingers trailing towards the inside of her thigh and he watched as her eyes fluttered closed, and he leaned into her,

“Just- want you to distract me.”

“Okay,” She whispered and she let him fall forward until their noses bumped together.

“Is this okay? You look so gorgeous, baby,” He muttered, voice raspy and thick and she keened into him, bare chest cuddling into his clothed one.

 “Y-yeah,” She breathed, and smiled when she felt his lips fall over hers, moving together like they’ve always done this, like his lips were meant to stay wrapped up with hers. He kissed her like he was stealing from her, stealing the breath from her lungs. He was lighting the flames that were licking at her chest, burning with the feel over it, the overwhelming feeling that it was Calum that was hovering over her, that it was Calum’s smell of cologne and whisky that was flooding her senses and that it was Calum who called her gorgeous, called her baby like it was nothing. Because it wasn’t nothing, fuck, it was something. He was something.

“Want to watch you,” He mumbled against her lips, “Please?”

She blushed and bit at her lip, nervously avoiding his gaze and he smiled, pulling her hands away from where they were hiding her eyes from view, and then lead them down between her thighs slowly. He groaned at the sight, when she let a finger wiggle between her folds, and he shifted until his head was resting against her thigh so he could see. Fuck.

“Look at you,” He mumbled, angling his hips so they could rub against the mattress, “Who knew you’d have such a pretty pussy, baby,”

She groaned, “Don’t say that.”

He grinned, glancing up at her,

“Why not?”

“It’s embarrassing!”

“S’not, nothing embarrassing about being gorgeous,”

“Stop,” She whined, “My god, you’re such a flirt.”

Yet he watched the quickening of her fingers and he smiled, nuzzling back into her thigh to watch, and god, she was so enticing and he wanted to touch so badly, hips grinding lightly against the duvet so he could have something,

“I wanna touch too,” He pouted, pressing a trail of wet kisses until he met the movement of her fingers and she slapped his hand away when it reached up.


“Fuck,” He mumbled, bringing it down to rub himself instead, feel out the hard outline of his cock against his jeans, and he hurried to unbutton them, get rid of the uncomfortable pressure and he sighed with it, cupping himself and thumbing over the head poking out of his boxers. She watched him watch her, watched as he touched himself to her and fuck, she’d done that to him. He was getting off from looking at her. She felt the thrill of it crawl down her spine and she shivered, squirming on the bed and listening to his pants and little mumbles as they fell from his lips and god, she loved him. She loved him so much.


It was his voice that got her, got her bucking down onto her fingers. It was so rough, lower with the heat of the moment and raw with need and she stopped, letting her fingers leave her throbbing clit to pull at his hair instead, guide him to her because she could. He wanted her, or at least, she could pretend he did. And maybe that’s what made her head hurt, or why it made her stay.

And Jesus Christ, his tongue and lips worked against her so easily, and so good. His eyes closed and he hummed and let his hands clutch at her hips to keep her still and pull her against his mouth, and he was licking and sucking enthusiastically, like he was enjoying this, enjoying having her taste on his tongue, and fuck she felt dizzy with it, sweaty and her heart warm and her legs shaking.

“Shi- Calum-I’m gonna-“ She whined, head falling back on her pillow as her back bowed and her thighs clamped around his head, the bed rocking slightly as he rutted against the mattress, eager for some friction and he groaned against her as he licked up what she gave, and his hips stuttered and he bit at her leg as he came, before rolling away from the damp spot he’d left on her sheet.

He cuddled into her afterwards, when they were both panting and struggling to catch a breath, sweat on their skin and the bed sticky with him. He nuzzled into her chest, fingers playing absentmindedly with her nipples when,

“Your hearts beating so quickly,” He murmured.

“I know.” She blinked, mortified at the tears that fell when she did. She rushed to rub them away, “I think it’s just trying to escape.”


Ella had called him while they were cuddled up, naked and panting. And she’d watched as he scrambled out from beneath the duvet to pull  his phone out of his jeans pocket, lost on the floor in his hast.

“Hello?” He answered, voice raspy and she turned her head away and towards the window, “I know, I’m sorry too babe.”

She could feel his gaze on her, burning into her back but she kept her eyes on the lamppost outside, watching as it flickered every couple of seconds and the light February snow that’d started to fall, swirling from the thick grey blanket of sky.

“Yeah, I’ll be about ten minutes. No! No, um, I’m at Ash’s? I’ll see you in a sec, love you too,”

And oh. He muttered a goodbye and a quick “I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you” as he stumbled for his clothes and she pulled her legs up to her chest and she hates him. She fucking hates him. And then she let herself fall loose against her the pillow when he quietly closed the door, empty and pathetic because she couldn’t hate him if she tried and she felt the emptiness settle on her chest, and she didn’t know it was such a heavy, suffocating weight.

They didn’t speak about it, and she let him act like nothing happened even though he bit his lip slightly when he caught her gaze and the blush that’d tint at her cheeks until they both ducked away. It was frustrating at first, and it hurts. It hurts and there’s an aching in her chest and she wants him to feel it to. Maybe that makes her a bad person, a selfish person, but she wants to make him choke, make his blood boil and his nerves tingle so he can realize how much she hurts and how much she loves him. But she doesn’t, because she’ll always put Calum first, and she couldn’t do that to him. He’s her best friend, and she knows he finds his solace with her. She’s his rock but she wants more. Their friends know too, and maybe that’s one of the worst things.

The sympathetic glances Luke throws at her when Ella sucks up all his attention, and the worried gaze her friend Lauren shoots at her when Calum pulls her in for a cuddle and plays with her hair causally. And she knows they mean well, but she thinks it just drags her deeper. She wonders if she’ll be okay.


His eyes left the road to glance over at her, curled up in the passengers sit with her legs up, resting against the dashboard. And he smiled, looking back at the long, silent outstretch of road painted with acres of green either side.

It was 4am, and they were driving. Where, he didn’t know, but maybe there was something comforting in that. The slight unknown. It was the day before her birthday, and he wants to make this special for her. Because, fuck, he knows what a dick he is. He fucking knows, but he can’t help it. He’s found himself stuck, because he likes Ella, despite the facts she yells at him and she’s jealous of everything, and that this is the fourth time she’s broken up with him, only to call him again a few days later. It fucks with his head. She’s not good for him, and he knows that, and he’s not happy, he also knows that. But it’s familiar, he started uni meeting her, and it’s been eight months and it’s difficult to let go of that familiar thing in a place that’s always changing.

He’s driving a jeep, an old shitty thing, the only thing he could afford around uni and his job at the bar. It even has a fucking tape deck, for Christ sake. He loves it though, and she loves it too, loves that she can play her dads old tapes, The Smiths on a constant loop as the jeep hums beneath them.

She was asleep, and he glanced at her again, as her head lolled against the window and the heavy, paced exhales that left her lips, making her hair flutter with every little breeze. She’s everything to him, he knows that. He just, he doesn’t acknowledge that. Why, he doesn’t know. He’s a coward. He’s selfish, he doesn’t want to lose his best friend when she means so much to him, is afraid to commit himself to her because he knows if he does he’ll fall for her so deep, so proper that it frightens him.

“Where are we?” She mumbled, looking over at him sleepily as she blinked her eyes awake.

“Not a clue,” He grinned, and she nodded, smiling too as she took a sip of the hot chocolate in the coloured flask he handed her, “Suns gonna be rising soon though,”

“Okay,” And she reached out to lace her fingers with his as his palm rested against the gear stick, smiling at the familiar tune of ‘There Is A Light That Never Goes Out’.

They pulled over in a field, grabbing the blanket he kept in the back seat and spreading it across the bonnet of his jeep. They lay back, her head resting on his shoulders as he placed his arm around her, both staring up at the sky, watching as it changed from a dark blue, to a lighter orange, watched as the colours collided and swirled, creating a pink glow, running through the sky in streaks like the blood that was running through their veins.  

She turned to look at him as the constellations in the sky faded away, replaced with pink, and the silence that surrounded them was deafening, but if she listens she can hear the breeze, she can hear the stillness and his heart beating, so close to hers. He looked down, and he was staring at her and she was staring at him and there, right there, was something like love. And it terrifies him that he’ll do whatever it was she wanted. And it terrifies her, that she loves him. She looks at him and its love, she swears it.

He sat up suddenly, quickly, jumping down from the hood of the car, “Hey, I got you something.”

She sat up too, looking at him curiously as he slid out from underneath the car seat and pressed something into her hand, wrapped in toilet paper. She grinned, looking at him and he shrugged sheepishly, “I didn’t have any wrapping paper.”

“My birthday’s not ‘till tomorrow,”

“I know, but open it now.” He demanded, as he sat back down next to her, chewing his lip nervously as she tore the paper easily. It was a mixtape. She gaped at it silently, before turning it over and scanning what songs he’d selected. They were all her favourites, ones they’d discovered together on long car rides (and some of his favourite songs too, of course, this is his jeep). She sighed softly before pulling him into an unexpected hug,

“I love it.”


A note slipped underneath her door and she opened it curiously to find a mixture of different scrawls on a crumbled piece of paper, a ring of coffee staining the back of it,

Meet us by the fountain in half an hour bday girl

Wear loads of deodorant!!

And a green day shirt

For fuck sake luke way to be subtle

And shoes that u can probs mosh in

Oh and ur telling me that I wasn’t subtle fuck u calum

She grinned, thinking slightly and then letting out a slight squeal, she fucking knew they were all hiding something from her, with their smug smiles and Luke’s constant reminder of ‘don’t make any plans for Friday, okay? Not that were doing anything, just, don’t do anything, promise?’  She pulled her hair into a tight pony tail and shrugged into her green day tee, shorts and tights and her favourite battered pair of converse before locking her door and running to meet them.

The six of them crammed into Cal’s jeep, and she found herself sitting on Luke’s lap so they could all fit and hope they wouldn’t get pulled over. The mixtape he made for her birthday was pushed into the tape deck and turned up, all of them singing and they were laughing and she burrowed her head into Luke’s neck for a breather, and didn’t notice the look Calum shot them before turning moodily back to the stirring wheel, and Luke grinned.

It was a long drive, and she loved it. She loved long drives at night, and with her closest friends with her she felt happy.

“What was your first gig?” Lauren asked Michael, as he drew rude pictures onto the steamed up window.

“Um. Avril Lavigne?” And he threw a water bottle at Ashton’s head when he laughed, “Oi, she was cool!”

They got there half an hour before they were due on, and managed to fight their way to the front, only a few rows behind, Calum’s hand protectively on the small of her back, and then stood behind her when they were as close as people would let them,

“You okay?”

“Was this your idea?” She asked, leaning up on her tiptoes to talk in his ear.

“Yeah,” He grinned, wrapping his arms around her waist, “I knew you wanted to see them before they stopped,”

“Thank you Cal,” She smiled, and she pulled back to look at him, look at the black tank top he had on, and the lights overhead made his arms look so good with his tattoos dotted up them, and his hair that she’d helped to  highlight with a warm blonde was messy against his forehead and she wanted to kiss him so bad, and she listened as he told her stories from other gigs his been to, and she watched the way his lips moved when he talked and how his tongue darted out occasionally to lick at him lips and he must’ve noticed, but he didn’t say anything and her want and need for him only heightened, adding to the last eight months, close to a pressure that was almost unbearable.

Then the lights dimmed and she quickly turned around, and his hands found place on her hips instead as he shouted something over to Michael before the music started and then it was like nothing else mattered.

She let the music take over her, let it vibrate through her body and her eyes close, and then her arms were in the air and she screamed out the lyrics to the songs until her throat was raw, and she took turns to hold each of their hands in her own sweaty ones, and it was her way of letting them know how thankful she was that they were there sharing this with her as they were pushed and shoved in the crowd, but it was okay because she was with her closest friends and her best friend, and he lifted her up onto his shoulders were she threw her head back and let herself get lost in the music.

They stepped out into the cold afterwards, her legs sticky with sweat and her throat dry with singing and they were all laughing and talking about their favourite parts, and Calum let their hands fall together and she glanced up at him, at his sweaty frame and his hair that was curly and ruffled with it and he was so gorgeous that the words fell out of her mouth before she could stop them, high on the adrenaline of a good gig,

“You’re gorgeous,”

He glanced down at her, and smiled, pushing some of the hair that’d fallen out of its pony tail behind her ear,

“So are you, A,” And he kept hold of her eyes, until Luke asked where he’d parked the car again.


They fumbled back into his room, his grip tight on her arm as he tugged her into it as soon as it was open. The room was dark, and each of them stumbled through it, tripping on clothes and shoes, and his pile of exercise books on the floor as the six of them found a place to sit. She leaned over to switch on the little lamp next to the window, pulling them all into a small glow as the joint in Mikey’s hand was passed around the circle they’d created, all of them except Calum (he hated it when it was his turn to drive) were already fuzzy minded and reactions slow.

“Gimme it,” Calum whined, fingers making grabby hands as Ashton let out little rings of smoke. His phone rang then and he sighed, fingers scrabbling for it and it was Ella, of course. She was surprised when his fingers slide over the decline and he shoved it to the side, drawing in a deep breath of smoke before collapsing back on his bed and releasing it and passing it to her. She wriggled closer, letting her head rest against his as their bodies faced opposite directions, and she pressed it to her lips.

“Why’d you ignore her?” She asked, coughing slightly with her inhale, and passing it back to him.

“I’m happy, don’t want her to ruin my mood.” He replied, and the two of them watched the smoke take shapes as it rose to the ceiling. She took another hit before passing it back to Luke who was giggling at something Michael was saying, who always acts in his prime when his high, the cocky bastard.

“Y’know you can’t keep living like this.” She mumbled, and he barked a laugh,

“That’s rich coming from you.”

And although it came out playful, it hit her in the chest like a ton of bricks and they silenced, because they both knew what he was talking about, and she wasn’t sure how she felt about that.

“Well, it’s fun trying,” She muttered, rolling her head to the side, Luke’s eyes meeting hers with a questioning eyebrow raise as he placed the blunt to his lips. She nodded and he crawled closer, letting their lips meet and the smoke fall into her waiting mouth, kissing her eagerly before pulling away and letting her release it. Calum glared at him, and Luke shrugged and handed it over to him and he snatched it and muttered, “Prick,” under his breath, but loud enough for them all to hear.

“C’mon, I think I saw some booze left in the common room,” Lauren announced, taking the hint and standing up, pulling them up with her, “Thanks for a great night, we’ll attack you with balloons and cake tomorrow, A,”

She grinned, and gave them all a hug before shutting the door and leaning against it,

“Why’re you shot gunning Luke for?” He pouted, staring up at the ceiling.

“For fun?” She replied, answering it like a question as she kicked off her shoes and fell back to her previous position.

“You can do that with me, not him,” He grumbled through the smoke, fumbling for his phone and put it on shuffle. She sat up, taking the spliff from between his lips and placed it between her instead, relighting it, and he sat up too, sitting cross legged from her. A song started playing and she giggled,

“Girls aloud? Are you serious?”

He cracked a grin,

“They’re catchy!”

“You’re stupid,” She murmured playfully, and he moved forward,

“Wanna shot gun?”

Hers eyes widened and she let out a small nod, watched as he took a hit, and how his cheekbones hollowed out around it, eyes closed and head tipped back slightly, adam’s apple bobbing slightly before he pulled her forward, hands cupping her heated cheeks and parting her lips so he could blow into them. He rested his forehead on hers, before bringing their lips together again in a demanding, needy kiss that had her hands grasping at the front of his tee and pulling him towards her, until she fell to her back and his body was caged over hers, hiding her from everything else that wasn’t Calum, Calum, Calum, his name a song caught playing in her head on repeat and she knows now. Love isn’t supposed be wonderful and comfortable and perfect; it’s just supposed be worth something.

And Calum, fuck, of course he was worth it. Worth every second of hell he put her through as he kissed her, lips slow and delicious, kissing her deeply and possessively, stealing everything she had. But she had nothing left, nothing left to give to him because it was already all his. She was all his and she couldn’t help it, she was drunk of his kisses and high off the bud and dizzy with the adrenaline of the gig that the words simply fell from the tip of her tongue, where’d they’d been sitting the almost a year, waiting until they could jump and fall and perhaps, maybe, ruin everything.

“I love you.” It came out as barely a whisper, almost lost in the noises of their tongues and 1975 that was playing from his phone and the drumming of her heart, so loud in her ears that it nearly hurt.

“I know.” He whispered back, lips still moving and it pushed her over, pushed her over the edge of the cliff and she felt herself fall and her body tensed with it, flooded with relief and fear. He knew.

And it was out now. The words clung to the air around them, clung to room and her hands were gripping at his hair, pulling it hard to try and find some sense of grounding. He groaned with it, detaching themselves with a slick noise to pull his shirt off and he gently pulled hers up, rolled it over her head with a raw tenderness that made her sick. And it’s him. He’s everything and he’s everywhere and she can’t breathe and he knows. He was kissing down her stomach, down her arms and neck, sliding her bra straps down her shoulders to kiss and lick there too. Her back arched up and with swift fingers it fell to the floor, limp and pathetic and she felt a bit like that too. There was so much she wanted to say, needed to say to him, but the words weren’t coming out right, we’re too jumbled and confused and she was so lost in herself and the emotions that were overwhelming her.

But he was still there. Listening to her breathing and looking into her eyes every time she could bare to look at him, and she knew that he could see everything she couldn’t say. There were galaxies in his eyes, and a whole sky full of constellations. He knew. And she felt alive.

She let him slid her shorts down, tug off her tights with his teeth until he reached her knees and then used his fingers to slide them the rest of the way, and she fiddled with the button his jeans, fingers numb and struggling until he pulled them away gently and did it himself. And then they were together and naked again, under the low light of his bedroom with his window open and moon that was reflected from it shone down onto their skin, lighting them up in a white glow as the sunk into the sheets, so wrapped in each other that she didn’t notice she was crying, not now she was so focused on him. On Calum. Calum, Calum, Calum. He reached for her hands, and clutched them into his, so small in comparison, letting her take a hold of him and lead him towards her, let him finally, finally, push into her.

He stayed still, waiting, kissing away the tears that were running down her cheeks,

“I love you,” She whimpered, legs wrapping around his back and she clutched his hands tightly, “I love you,”

And he gazed down at her, with his eyes warm and stormy with something. A hurricane. He was her hurricane, and she was all too ready to let him ruin her, break her heart like she was sure he would.

“I know,”

It was easy though, despite everything, to be with him in this way as his hips rocked gently against hers until skin met skin, and her lips were pressed to his neck, biting on it to stop herself from making any noise and his hands were skimming the sides of her, finding every curve and freckle and tracing the tattoo on her leg with his thumb, watching were they were connected, where he disappeared into her and he shuddered, pulling her close and nuzzling into her neck, damp with sweat and tears,

“M’sorry,” He muttered, and she nodded furiously, encouraging him to move quicker as her hips moved up to meet his,

“S’okay,” She panted, “I love you, I love you so much – you can ruin me. I want you too,”

He pulled back so he could see her face, rest his forehead against hers and he wanted to say it, the words were there, but when he opened his mouth he couldn’t breathe and his tongue seemed to be glued to the roof of his mouth, so he closed it again with a moan as she shifted them, so his chest was pressed to her back, and he cuddled her, pressed kisses where he could reach and his thumb reached to find her clit, and they mumbled words to each other neither could understand until they both came with a small noise and collapsed, boneless and sleepy onto the mattress. He didn’t pull out, but kept her close, and she closed her eyes and let a small smile play on her lips.


She blinked her eyes open slowly, and yawned when the time read it was only ten past eight. She wriggled around to get comfortable, before realising it was a voice that had awoken her and she paused.

“I’ll meet you for coffee in ten minutes, yeah? I’ll come get you babe, it’s fine – my rooms a mess, s’all,”

She frowned, and then remembered she wasn’t in her doom. She was in Calum’s, and shit, last night. And everything she felt last night came crashing down on her again, except now she just felt sick and scared and there wasn’t a warm body to comfort her. The bed was cold next to her, and she shivered and became very aware that she was naked. Naked and alone. She heard movement from the bathroom and she pretended to be asleep, and she listened as he grabbed his phone and keys and headed out the door without so much as a goodbye or a kiss, or even a note.

But then, she told him to ruin her. And so that’s what he did. He used her, broke her, ripped her from everything she was, and then went crawling back to the girl who didn’t love him. Who couldn’t give him anything like she could. She sat up, pulling the blanket with her and she stared out the window, and then to his room. To his pictures, and posters, his clothes on the floor and the football in the corner. And this – this she supposed is what it felt like to have your heart broken, have it crushed until she couldn’t breathe. She sucked in a breath, but it didn’t reach her lungs and she gasped for air but she couldn’t catch it, like it was dancing away from her close enough for her to taste it but not have it. And she coughed, choked on it and her throat burned until she finally caught a breath and she shuddered, a sob close to exploding in her chest when the door banged open, and she jumped, clutching the blanket closer to her.

“Happy birthday!” They yelled, before pausing, and then silence. It was excruciating.

“Oh shit, April,” Lauren sighed, rushing forward and pulling her in for a hug while the boys stood there, confused.

“I’ll fucking kill him.” Michael seethed, voice low and she hiccupped.

“S’fine,” She mumbled, voice catching and Luke dropped to his knees next to her.

“It’s not fine, April. It’s not fucking fine,”

She let Lauren help her dress, before she pulled herself together and put on a smile, and agreed to let them buy her a birthday breakfast and celebrate her nineteenth birthday, and she tried.

They were sitting in the common room when Calum came back, snapback placed on his head and a black leather jacket shrugged on his shoulders and she hates him. She ducked her head into Ashton’s shoulder, and ignored his burning gaze as she dealt out the cards for UNO.

“April?” He hesitated, hovering awkwardly as the rest of them sat silently, looking at their cards, “A?”

She shook her head, still not meeting his eyes and he sighed, eyebrows furrowed until Ashton stood up with Michael and they pulled him away. But she found it harder to breathe when he was gone, and she realised that he was her oxygen, her goddamn air.

She lasted until 10 until she called it quits, shrugging everyone off and ensuring them she was fine as she walked to her dorm, exhausted and ready to crawl into bed and preferably never leave.

But he was there, of course he was, sitting on her bed with a hand curled in his hair, tugging at it while he stared at the patterns on her bed sheet. She closed the door and he jumped, eyes glancing up at her,

“April,” He breathed.

“Go away Calum,” But her voice was weak.

“No,” He stood up, “You were gone when I came back.”

“Did you expect me to wait for you while you left me to go and love someone else?”

He sighed, putting the heels of his hands against his eyes.

“It’s not- it wasn’t like that.”

She let out a small laugh, choked with unsaid words,

“It’s always been like that, Calum.”

He walked towards her, and she moved back, needed to keep distance between them but he backed up against the wall until she looked at him.

“It’s not- I mean, it was but-“

“I don’t care,” She whispered, blinking, “I know you don’t love me. S’okay, I get it. But I don’t need you to rub it in,”

He brushed their noses together, trying to get her open her eyes and when she did, he stared into them because he’s not good at this, he needs her to understand.

“Please,” He mumbled, arms winding around her waist to pull her in for a hug, pull her closer, let her understand.

“Please what Calum?” She exploded, pushing him away and pulling at her hair as he watched with wide, sad eyes, “Please what? What more do you want from me? There’s nothing left!”

“April I just-“

“Just what?”

I love you!” He yelled, before clasping his hand to his mouth and she stared, mouth open and closing before she moved towards him, hands clenched into flimsy fists as they pounded at his chest, and he took it, took the hits until she was weak and crying and collapsed in his arms, where he hushed her, stroking her cheek and kissed her forehead as she hiccupped.

“I love you. I do, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

She nodded,


Because it’s always okay, they’re always okay.

And then he was pulling her in for a kiss, I love you’s pouring between them, spreading like fire and then it hit her. He knows and he loves her too. And, fuck, she suddenly felt so alive and she was kissing him with everything she had, breathing heavily and they were real, he was real and he loves her.  

She’s learnt a lot with him, learnt how life’s unfair but the people who’re meant to be in it will always find a way to stay, she’s learnt how pretty a night time drive can be, when it’s quite and empty and the worlds still sleeping and the sky is beautiful and can tell stories that’ll leave her breathless and wondering. She’s learnt that music is fucking brilliant, that she couldn’t live without it and she’s learnt about deep kisses, conversations with people who listen, with people who talk back and that she should question everything. And she’s learnt that people wait for a lot of things; for the traffic, for the summer, for holidays and the kettle to boil. But mostly people wait for happiness; she’s found hers.

 a/n; i dont have my tattoos yet so idk if thats right so sorry lol, also thanks to brigette and ines for their love

I loved and I loved and I lost you

Gif originally posted by lastwordem

Word Count: 1933

Part 1 , Part 2 ,  Part 3 , Part 4 , Part 5 , Part 6 ,  Part 7

You’ve been a mess. For more than a few years now you’ve been a mess, at first everyone could see it looking at you with these pitiful eyes. Later they thought you’ve gotten over it, when honestly you only barely coped with it. You’ve been going out, drinking, partying having fun or so it seemed. Just like the night before, so right now your head was hammering in pain, mascara gluing your eyes shut and the disgusting taste in your mouth. Forcing the lashes to open groaning, you looked around in a dim room, which wasn’t yours.

Slowly sitting up, due to the bobby pins form your fake side cut poking into your scalp. Sitting wasn’t making anything better, neither did rubbing your forehead, whilst looking down yourself to see that you were still fully clothed besides the red’n’blue flannel and your shoes. The unknown guy next to you wasn’t wearing any less which seemed to imply you didn’t have sex. Which was kind of new to you, not the waking up at an unknown place, more the waking up fully clothed next to some random guy. The blond guy turned to face you, still sleeping as you had a first glance at his face. Quite the hot face, matching the body you noticed wile tilting your head. In his sleep he pulled on his lipring and groaned a little, your cue to leave. Slipping out of bed, unsuccessfully searching for your phone in the black ripped skinny jeans only to find it where you usually left it in your bed – under the pillow.

The guy was turning again, making you nervous to leave. Quickly you threw the flannel and the jacket beside it on and took your Kayla shoes to sneaked out of the bedroom, only to find people lying around still sleeping besides two guys whispering. “Dude check out this chick on insta” The one lying on the couch hitting the one half sleeping on the armchair. Glad fully both of them had their heads turned away from you, as you headed for the front door. “Michael, let me sleep, seriously…” with that you left in the best attempt to close the door silently, which work out more or less, because you heard that Michael guy asking the other if he saw who left.

You barely remember anything of that night much less how you ended up in that apartment or that bed. To be truthful you didn’t give it that much though as this has happened plenty of times since you had moved here. With your last cash you got yourself a cab home, ending up getting out early to get a bottle of water at the store around the corner. You didn’t feel like going in, sitting on your staircase watching the people passing by on their walk of shame, while your phone buzzed.

[Luke]: Why’d you leave? Last night was fun..

Who the hell was Luke and why did you have his number? Drunk-you seemed to have made some contacts which hungover-you wasn’t so fond of keeping, so you deleted contact and message.


That was a first, she had left without a word, none of them noticed when she left the house. This kind of poked his interest, they didn’t have sex simply because she was dead drunk. But apart form that she had a mysterious touch. Even though they’d tried all night she didn’t tell them her name or anything about herself. She seemed in a bad mood as Callum challenged her for shots.

She simply stated that a little boy like him had no chance against her - and he was huge. But still she drank him under the tables and after these shots she became more loose, even though she wasn’t the cheery girly type. She had something dark to herself. Not simply her clothes which were mainly black her entire attitude was … he couldn’t find the right word. Girls had shot her envious glances which she totally didn’t even recognize. It was as if she didn’t give a fuck about the world and what everyone thought.

Michael had stolen her phone to put their numbers into it and noticed that her WhatsApp contacts were nearly all unknown numbers. Even her name was left empty there, he realized as he copied her number.

Most girls who came to his place after a party wanted to get in his pants, to be honest so did he. But she didn’t give a damn. She simply continued drinking until she passed out in his bed not even trying to snuggle with him. And then she had left, silently, without reacting to his message even though she clearly read it. Damn blue ticks. Michael kept on teasing him about her. He tried another 2 or 3 times but those didn’t even go through. It itched him, that she so relentlessly ignored him. He was about to give up as he was to see her again a week after in the very same club they’d meet. He finally got to scratch that itching.


You had a job, apparently drinks weren’t paying themselves, so it took you another week before you got out again with your so called friend Jess who’d neglected you as soon as some guys went wooing on her. A known routine to you, as you faced the bar to order another drink, one more and you had to walk home instead of taking a cab

So much for a great night out…

You thought scrawling as a guy approached you: “You don’t seem to have a good time…” Not looking at him, but the drink arriving, you replied: “Nope, this probably won’t change unless you’re willing to pay my drinks tonight!” Clinging with the ice in the glass you turned towards him, sarcastically smiling at the tall blonde with the lip-piercing. “Cheers!” Assuming he would have leave by now you faced the bar once again, placing your glass on the counter. 

”So what are we drinkin’?” 

Doubtful you rose an eyebrow while eyeing him, not understanding why he would be staying here with her being so… you. “Right now I’m at Vodka energy which is disgusting but the cheapest Long drink around here, feel free to join.”

 Gesturing towards the bar you took another sip grimacing in disgust. He chuckled at her behaviour and stole her glass tasting her drink. 

“It’s not that bad.” 

Gasping at his bold behaviour and the fact that he stole you supposedly last drink for the night.

“Yeah sure help yourself. I’ll just go ahead and buy another” 

 “Still being the Grumpycat? So you won’t tell me your name today either I guess.” 

He chuckled amused as you stared irritated at him not even remembering him the slightest bit. 

“Excuse me? Should I know you?” 

He gestured as being shot in the heart even so still smiling “Ouch that hurt. By the way not answering my text did as well. Oh and you still owe Callum a shot battle…” as you still looked confused at him he realised you didn’t joke around, which you seriously didn’t. “It’s Luke… you crashed at my place last week?” 

Okay now you were getting the picture slowly … the only thing you were worse remembering than faces were names so the guy from last week was Luke – okay. And the texts you deleted were from some Luke so that matched.

“Ooooh yeah! Luke of course – yeah. Thanks for letting me crash..?” 

It was more of a question and you assumed he would finally leave as someone flopped an arm on your shoulders pushing you forward, with an “Uuff” air left your lungs, as your breasts met the counter. 

“Hey there Grumpy, out again?”,another irritated glance at the owner of the arm who seemed to be one of Lukes friends taking the nickname he gave you.

“You owe me a shot battle and this time you’ll lose!” Caleb (or was it Callum) you took it, anyway the guy was the one Luke mentioned who wanted shots. “urgh, yeah if you pay.” Why not take advantage out of the situation to get drunk? You could ditch these guys anytime.

So it seemed these guys knew how to have fun, after plenty rounds of shots, Luke had his arm around you whilst Ashton stated that you were like a cool guy with long hair, which had you giggle, something you hadn’t done for quite some time. 

“Oh. My. God. She CAN laugh!” Michael stated pointing his finger at you, witch you caught out of the air. “Of course I can, you’re simply not as funny as you think!” with the alcohol keeping on coming, you guys got goofier until Callum rose his voice: ”Okay, okay since I won round two of our shot- war. One question for you: You went into Luke’s bed with him and nothin’ steamy happened? Are you some kind of prude?” 

 You nearly choked on your drink at the question, but laughed it off. ”Who would have thought you waste your ‘one-question-free’ on this and not my name?”

“Oh come on you have to tell us at some point…” 

“Back to your question no nothin’ steamy happened that night a-“

 “She was dead drunk, there was no way that could’ve become steamy”, Luke interrupted you taking a sip of his beer, his arm still around you. 

 “Well, as I’m not a prude, only a drunk dead mess I’ll be on my way for tonight. I could never bear the responsibility for another sexless night of Luke Hemmings. See you guys around!”

All the guys laughed at your statement, at least all of them besides one - Luke rose an eyebrow at you before half-heartedly he grinned. You stood up way more unsteady than you thought and nodded into the round. Walking off tipsy as you were, towards the Exit. Luke stood up and followed you rapidly, grabbing your upper arm.

“You know you can crash at mine.”

“Oh no no no. You need to find yourself some company for tonight, before this club turns into a remnants-ramp.”

“Maybe I found myself someone…”

He stepped in closer, pushing you into the wall pressing his Lips on yours. Responding gripping onto his sleeves, pulling him deeper into the kiss. Playing with his piercing while he pushed his fingers through the hair at your Neck. This felt like pure bliss, as he leaned back slightly, looking down at you a little breathless himself. Only to lean in once again biting softly into your lip working his way slowly along your jaw towards your neck. Whilst he hold your neck in a tight grip, but in a sensual way.

“Com’on tell me your name Grumpy” he breathed into your ear, continuing to nibbling on your earlobe, which caused you to let a sight slip. 

“Please..”, he sounded pleading and you were about to give in to him as your phone buzzed aggressively. Surprised you fished it out of your pocket and stared at the reminder your phone gave you every year. You took a minute to realize that Luke had a perfect view on the screen so he could read:


You gasped, not finding any words. Letting go of Luke, staring at your phone once again and back to him feeling yourself unravel.

“S-sorry Luke. I-I need to go” agitated you stuck away the Phone, pushed him off of you and walked away to fetch your jacked and leave this place as fast as possible.

How could you have forgotten?

How could you have possibly forgotten?

Part 1 , Part 2 ,  Part 3 , Part 4 , Part 5 , Part 6 ,  Part 7

MoM NYC listening party

ok so I’m going to try and make this coherent as possible, but no promises lmao first off I need to thank Saf @zaynsbaji who gave me this amazing opportunity to not only attend the listening party but to meet Zayn as well. Saf you are literally an angel and I love. Thank you so much!!!

ok so where to start? Um I think I’ll just write about my overall experience and then get on to how I felt about the music. I can already tell this is going to be hella long. 

So Zayn’s team asked that I be there by 8pm. And I live in a suburban town that’s about an hour outside of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I knew it was going to be tight, but that I had to at least try to get there. And this was huge for me to do by myself. Like, I’m a homebody, I’m an introvert and I don’t go out a whole lot because social interactions drain me lol. But I knew that an opportunity like this would most likely never come again and I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t go. So I told his team I could be there by 8pm, I hopped in the shower, threw on some clothes, jumped in my car and booked it to the train station out in Trenton. Let me tell you, sitting on that train and watching the clock tick closer and closer to 8pm and knowing that i wasn’t going to make it by then was torture. I was DMing one of his team members, Emily, about it but she was very sweet and accommodating. When I told her I was afraid I wouldn’t make it in time she told me not to worry and that they would help me get there if need be. Like I’m guessing they were offering to send a car for me if need be lol. Like how nice is that. I got off the train around 845, called Emily and she gave me the address. It turns out the studio was only like 14 mins away so I hailed a taxi (like WHAT) and literally asked him to get me there as fast as he could. And I have to tell you that I’ve only ever been to NYC once before and I was with my mom and didn’t need to know how to navigate the city. It was an experience that’s for sure. 

So we rolled up outside of Jungle City Studios and there were a ton of people waiting outside. I wasn’t sure if they were holding multiple listening parties or what. It turns out they weren’t but it still hadn’t clicked for me yet that they were waiting for Zayn lol. so i met Emily at the door, she checked my ID, and then we went up in the elevator with another girl to the 11th floor. Let me tell you, it didn’t really hit me that I was going to be in an actual professional studio until the elevator doors opened up. It was so nice! and reeked of weed lmao 

so Emily took us to a room to drop off our bags and coats and then she took our phones off of us and led us to the room where everyone else already was. I didn’t realize that we were going to actually be in like the recording booth, but it was pretty sick. There was a good amount of people that were already drunk when I walked into the room. I just remember walking in and smiling at a blonde lady who I later realized was Shareena. I’m telling you I was so oblivious about everything just because I was so happy to be there to listen to the music. So they had already played through the first 4 songs by the time I got there and they were just starting up “She” when I walked in. Emily told us to get some drinks and to just hang out. So I went to the drink table, and I’ll admit i’m hella picky when it comes to alcohol because I don’t like beer and if i’m drinking wine it’s gotta be really fruity lol. So that was all that was left. I was hoping to just have some cranberry and vodka but all the vodka was gone! lmao I actually got to talk to Ned about this at some point, but I’ll get to that later on. So I poured myself some wine, walked around a bit and kind of just hung off to the side by myself. I’m telling you i don’t do these kinds of things where I go somewhere by myself. Like I don’t have a hard time making friends, but I’m more of a sit back and observe kind of person at first and it seemed like everyone already knew each other lol 

So i have to tell you, I had no idea Zayn was going to be there. And apparently everyone else but me knew he was going to be there. Like even after seeing Shareena AND Ned it still hadn’t clicked that Zayn was most likely in the building. So picture this: Me just chillin’, sipping on some wine in a red solo cup, vibin out to the music playing by myself, having a good time. Ned comes in and offers up a round of shots to everyone. I start to move towards Ned and as I do so, I turn my head to look through the glass into the other side of the booth and I shit you not, I locked eyes with Zayn and my jaw literally dropped. I FROZE! I literally was gaping at him like a fish out of water! So i immediately turned to the girl closest to me, who i ended up hanging out with for the rest of the night, and asked her if she knew that Zayn was going to be there and she was like, “yeah they told all of us, and they said don’t stare at him ‘cause it makes him uncomfortable.” LIKE TOO LATE. I ALREADY DID THAT SHIT LMAO. I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself after that for a bit. Like Zayn was just on the other side of the glass watching us listen to his album. It was soooo fucking surreal. Well I definitely needed a shot after that. And a girl, who was already three sheets to the wind and gone lol, was nice and gave me her shot of Jameson (yuck). I downed that shit and grabbed another glass and settled in. 

The girl I was hanging out with, I think her name was Maya, it was really loud in there, was really nice and chill. Overall everyone I interacted with was really nice. I just remember a girl coming up to me and she was like, “You’re just over her vibe’ chilling out to the music.” and like that’s what i was there for you know? I went into it not knowing Z was going to be there and I was just there for the music honestly. I really wanted to hear all of the songs and just take it all in. The fact that Zayn was watching me do this is so insane to me. So me and Maya were just chillin’ the whole time, talking about the music and how proud of Zayn we are. Like it was nice to just focus on the music with someone else and to point out certain lyrics here and there and different rhythms he used. Like the whole album is fucking fire and I am so so so proud of Zayn and all of his hard work. And i just have to note that hearing Zayn’s voice come over the speakers and ask us if we were enjoying the music was so freaking amazing. And he told us to get some more drinks! lol 

Ok so I guess I’ll talk about the different interactions I had with Zayn’s team first. So, back to Ned. Let me just say that he is so freaking cute in person. Like I didn’t realize it was Ned at first, but when i did, phewwwww. I think i’m in love lol. So i was by the drinks and Ned came over and he had just given out a 2nd round of shots and I asked him if there was any more vodka, and he was like “what are you drinkin?” (fucking swoon) and I told him I was just going for some cranberry and vodka, but he was like “i’m sorry there’s no more vodka. I told those idiots to get enough for 25 people and they came back with 1 bottle.” lol, i guess they just assumed everyone would drink beer and wine. which is cool. Everyone I know does, like i said i’m just picky lol. So that was my first Ned interaction. 

After we had listened to the album, he played all of the songs a few times each, Shareena came in and told us to break up into small groups and we would all get to talk to zayn and take pictures with him. So we broke up into groups. I was in the 2nd to last group and it was just me, maya, and this other kid. So we were hanging out in the recording booth still and one of Zayn’s other assistants came in to talk to us. I think her name was Josie? Not sure. I have to say first, that everyone on Zayn’s team is so so nice. They’re all really chill and kind and they really made me feel welcome. Like they were all so easy to talk to. 

So we were chatting with Josie and she asked us what we thought of the album, and I told her it was amazing. Like i mentioned to her that all of the reviews keep saying that it sounds like The Weeknd or Frank Ocean or Miguel, but I made sure to stress to her that Zayn has created his own sound. Like you can tell this is him and this is what he’s been wanting to do for so long. I just kept saying how proud of him I was and how amazing the album is. We also told her that the album is definitely Grammy worthy. And she was like “We all think so too. We keep saying that.” like !!!!!!!!! She then asked us what our favorite was, and we all said TiO. that song is a fucking bop! I think Zayn played it about 5 or 6 times because we all loved it so much. Josie said that TiO is all of their favorites too and that they keep telling Zayn they think it should be the next single. So she asked us how we were liking the singles and I admitted to her that there’s some confusion over what songs are actually singles. And she said BeFour is a promo single, like an instant download like It’s You, But i thought it was supposed to be considered a single? Anyways, she said that right now the single to promote is Like I Would. When Josie told us that they all thought TiO should be a single she said that Zayn really just is going off of what the fans are liking and vibing with. He wants to see what we’re enjoying before he like decides on the singles and stuff. She said that Zayn was really nervous about the listening party and asked her and the rest of his team, “do you think they’ll like it?” like My heart!! OF COURSE WE LIKE IT ZAYN. I just can’t get over that he was so nervous that we wouldn’t like the album and what he’s created. like the only thing that matters to him is that we love the music just as much as he does. God, i love him so much. 

So then it was our turn to go see Zayn and they moved us out into the hallway to wait. So Shareena came in to get us and Ned was walking into the room as well and I kid you not, I don’t even know why i said it, it just slipped out, but i was like “I’m going to shit myself.” I DON’T KNOW WHY I SAID IT. Ned was like, “You’re gonna do what? Say it again?” and I was like, “Shit myself. I’m going to shit myself.” he laughed and Shareena laughed and grabbed my hand! She held my hand and was like, “I love you! you are the coolest!”  I AM SO FREAKING EMBARRASSING LMAO. 

So then we were waiting in the hallway, and they gave us our phones back at this point. I even got to talk to Zayn’s bodyguard! I turned my phone on and he was like “Is Zayn your background?” and I was like “Yeah!” And he was like, “Which picture is it?” LIKE WHAT IS MY LIFE? So then I showed him that it was one of the photos from Zayn’s NME shoot. I was like, “listen when we saw the tattoos everyone online was losing their minds.” he just laughed at me. 

We also stood and chatted with Emily while waited. She asked us if we liked the album how we were feeling about it and everything and we just reiterated what we had said to Josie earlier. Then she asked where we were from and she asked about me coming from Pennsylvania, and I told her how I told my boss I needed to go and not work overtime lol. that I just told them it was an emergency and left for New York as fast as I could lmao. Then Emily was talking about how hard he’s been working on the album and how excited they all are that we loved it. I forget how we got on the topic but I did ask her if Zayn really is working on his 2nd album already and she was like “I can’t talk about that, but nice try.” Lol I HAD TO TRY. I’m just gonna take her non-answer as a yes. We talked about a lot more with her, but i honestly can’t remember what. Just know she is so nice just like the rest of Zayn’s team. i do remember telling her though that March 25, 2015 was worth it. That I honestly felt like the world was ending when he left, but that everything that has happened since has been so amazing and that we were all thankful that he was turning a sad day into a happy one.

ok ok, so then we got to go in and meet Zayn!!!! He shook all of our hands and I can still hear perfectly when he asked me, “You alright?” and I know this is how Brits basically say, what’s up, but i just wanted to be like NO ZAYN I AM NOT ALRIGHT. YOU JUST SLAYED MY ENTIRE LIFE. but i reigned myself in and was like, “yeah i’m good, thanks”. So we sat down to talk to him and he is sooo freaking sweet and kind and just really nice. He’s really soft spoken as well. I didn’t get to say much apart from telling him my name, where I’m from, and how old I am. There were only 3 of us in our group and the one kid did most of the talking. It’s cool though cause he was asking Zayn questions about the music and how he was feeling. Zayn talked about working with MYKL. He said that he’d heard the beat to Drunk about a year ago and immediately was like who are these guys? I have to work with them! He asked us all how old we are because he wanted to get an idea how the different age ranges were feeling about the music. Then the kid asked Zayn how he was feeling about the music and the whole experience. And he said he’s really enjoying it. That he loves the song Drunk at the moment. He asked us what our favorites were and we talked about TiO and Wrong and how his and Kehlani’s voice sound amazing together. I don’t know what the exact question was but it was along the lines of whether Zayn always knew he was going to go solo. And he said that he knew he was going to, that he auditioned as a solo artist, and this was what he envisioned himself doing. Ya’ll I just love him so much. He’s so sweet and down to earth. 

SO then on to the picture we took! So Shareena said she could take the picture or we could do a selfie, and I wanted a selfie, like up close shot, so I said “Zayn could we take a selfie?” and in his lil cute ass accent he was like “Yeah sure, let’s do this.” Akjnfinsdfjasdkjnafs. Then I asked him if I could get a video for my friend (Saf) because she was the reason I’m here, (and i was gonna try and get him to say hi to Giselle too @takewhatimwillingtogive ) and he was like “Yeah sure.” so he like gets in real close and goes to put his arm around me and here i went again with embarrassing myself, but i turned to him and i was like “I’m so sorry my hair is all over the place,” and Zayn was just like, “Noo, you’re good, you’re good.” LIKE WHY DID I APOLOGIZE FOR THAT? SOMEBODY BAN ME FROM INTERACTING WITH CELEBS EVER AGAIN. So then he came in close again, put his arm around me and i was like “1, 2, 3, cheeseeee”. I am SUCH A LOSER lmao I wasn’t able to get the video because Zayn still had to meet with another group and Shareena said they had a lot to do that night. I’m kind of kicking myself for not taking more than one pic while I could, but I LOVE the one I got. Like I am cheesin’ SO HARD in the picture. I couldn’t control it! Also I was expecting to be hella taller than him, but he’s like my height. He was hunched down a little in the pic I think he might be an inch taller than me though, I’m 5′8. My friends all asked me if Zayn was high in the picture and what he smelled like lol. I couldn’t tell if he was high or not. He was just really chill, but I feel like he’s always like this. I did see Ned at some point during the listening party, light up but I wasn’t sure if it was a cig or something us lol. But Zayn didn’t smell like weed lmao. I can’t even really describe what he smelled like. Like, it wasn’t a strong cologne or anything, he just smelled really fresh and really good lol. Like i think it might have been his natural scent or something. 

So then after we took our pictures I said thank you to him and then we went back out into the hall but we didn’t leave right away. We hung around and talked some more with his team. I was talking to two guys, and I don’t know if they just worked there or if they were apart of Zayn’s team but they were really cool. Like they sat and talked about the music with me. The one dude asked me how i liked the album and what my favorites were so we started talking about TiO. Like about the beat and how there’s this sick, little brrrapp drum sound in the middle of it. And he was saying that he isn’t sure what song it was but it might have been TiO that was originally written as a rap, but Zayn was like, lets slow it down and let me see how it sounds when I sing it. And he was saying that he couldn’t believe it and told Zayn to rap it for them, so then Zayn literally just rapped the song for them. So we got to share in our mutual surprise over the fact that Zayn can rap lmao. We talked about the pillowtalk remix with Lil Wayne and how surprised we were when Zayn rapped on it but that we loved it. Then we talked about how Zayn is dropping MoM on the anniversary of him leaving and they had no idea it was the anniversary lol.

Then I had another interaction with Ned, who i seriously want to marry. So Ned was asking us again how we felt about the album and I was like “i loved it” and he was like, “I know you did! I saw you vibin’ to the music!” Like WHAT? So then I was like, “well yeah I was vibin’ Ned, it was so good!” And Ned just went on to say that he was watching me vibin out to the album in the corner and like really listening to the music. Like that he knew everyone there was listening and what not, but he pointed out that he could tell I was really really there to listen to the music and just that he appreciated that. like whattttt ?????!!!!! He didn’t say Zayn was watching me, but I’m just gonna take this as confirmation that Ned pointed out to Z that I was groovin’ so fucking hard to his music. I hope he pointed it out to Zayn and that he saw I was really really enjoying it. So then after that we said our goodbyes, and we were off! Like i really can’t believe last night happened to me. It still feels like a dream. I didn’t get home till like 3 Am but it was so fucking worth it. 

I just have to say that meeting Zayn was definitely the highlight of the night, but getting to talk to his team was amazing as well. They were all so kind and welcoming to us. It’s so nice to see him surrounded by people who genuinely want him to succeed. Like you can tell they really love and support him so much. It warms my heart so much and makes me want to cry. Zayn’s got a great team behind him. 

So now do i talk about the music? Most of you have already heard everything now because the album is out in other countries and this post is already hella long lol. I think I’ll just mention that my favorites are definitely Drunk, Wrong, TiO, Rearview, and Golden. Zayn played the Target bonus tracks for us and I fucking love the songs. I can’t remember any stand out lyrics from Golden but I remember it being upbeat, but it was like making me really emotional ?? like I wanted to cry. 

All in all the whole album is amazing and Zayn worked really fucking hard on it. Every song is a so so good. And this isn’t even me being biased. It’s very rare for me to love every song on an album, but Zayn did that shit. Like he really went all out. I am so so proud of him and I can’t wait to watch the rest of the world fall in love with him. GRAMMYS HERE WE COME.