what's weird

Submitted by @ thechaosqueen

I believe the phrase “oh fuck” is appropriate in this situation

“What’s that?” Human Deepti asks making some sort of gesture and looking towards the open computer screen. Her clothes and braided hair floated around her. This deck had a lower gravity setting so Oev'oep and hir people, the E'shyu could be more comfortable. It took a few moments for Oev’ to decode that she wanted hir to also look in the same direction.

Much to hir horror, the Human Behavioral Files were on screen, the title written in bolded letters.

“Nothing.” Oev’ said with emphasis, hir stripes involuntarily turning a greenish hue. “Just– reading up on some human based psychology, posted by humans from Terra.” Zhe quickly closed the files down.

After Humans developed their own form of space travel and showed interest in contacting other species for trade, word began to spread about the Humans strange biology and diverse pack bonding cultures. As always the Knauvruohloes were quick to research, record, and document. The most fascinating reports were posted: Humans cohabiting with other animals, the types of poisonous food Humans enjoy, and analyzing videos of Human movement (dancers, sports, babies you name it) are some of the most popular. But by some chance the website became popular… without the Humans finding out. Soon, reports began pouring in from all over, through many solar systems. One thing led to another and it somehow became the most widely known and best kept intergalactic secret in history.

Human Deepti gave Oev'oep a blank look. She used the wall behind her to dive for the computer, Oev’ too slow to stop her but by some miracle zhe was able to latch onto half of the computer.

“Oh come on, we’re friends. What is this really?” Deepti smiled, showing some of her teeth. Oev’ read about Humans superior strength due to the gravity on their Homeplanet, an E'shyu such as hirself would be no match but perhaps zhe could outsmart the human.

“Wait, please I’ll tell you everything, just–” Oev’ tugged the computer free and in the process knocked the Human backwards, she spun around in the air laughing as zhe made hir escape.

“Hey! Come back here!” Human Deepti called after Oev’

Oev’ successfully deleted hir browser history, keeping the secret for at least one more day.

Feel free to add more I honestly don’t know where to go with this but I was just thinking about how some of these posts imply that aliens are keeping track of weird things humans do and I was just wondering: do humans know?

Redecorating (Jason Todd x Reader)

Request from: @introvert-wallflower
Prompts: “Well obviously nothing is going on here!” and “By the look you’re giving me something is going on here!”
Warnings: Swearing.
A/N: My computer started acting up and I was starting to get really worried I was gonna lose everything and not be able to post this, lol. Sorry for the wait, I hope it’s worth it :)

You’re opening the door to your shared apartment with Jason when you hear the sounds of scrambling, things being knocked over, and just the sounds of a struggle in general. When you rush to the room all the noise was coming from, your eyes practically bulge out at the sight in front of you.

There’s blood drops here and there, the furniture is all skewed, and then there’s Jason who’s panting while leaning his entire body against the closet door, as though it’s the only thing keeping him standing. He smiles at you as though nothing’s out of the ordinary.

“Hey, babe!” He wheezes out between breaths. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here so soon.”

“Jason, what the fuck?” You say, staring at the bruises that are beginning to form on his face and arms. “What happened?”

He scoffs, “Pfft, what are you talking about? Nothing happened.”

“What’s all this then?”

“Our furniture.”

“Don’t you dare get smart with me, Jason Peter Todd. Why is it all scattered like this?”

He laughs, and seems to regret it if the wince and him raising an arm to his side is anything to go by. “I thought the place could use a little redecorating!”

“With your blood?” You fold your arms, growing tired of your boyfriend’s antics.

“It gives more personality, don’t you think?”

“Damn it, Jason! What is going on here?!”

“Well obviously nothing is going on here!”

You march up to him glaring at him dead in the eyes. You feel a tiny sense of satisfaction when his confidence falters and his guilty eyes do their best to look anywhere but at you. “By the look you’re giving me something is going on here!”

He opens his mouth to retort, but before he’s able to speak up, the door behind him shoves him forward a little, though he’s very quick to shove back and all of his desperate attempts to keep you from finding out whatever was happening die right then and there.

“Jason who’s in the closet?” You ask, concern in your tone.

“No one!”

“Then you wouldn’t mind if I took a look,” You say, grabbing at him in order to move him aside, but of course he stands his ground.

“It’s just the Boogey Monster, he’ll leave when the sun rises!” He grits out.

“I’m not sure that’s how the Boogey Monster works, Jay!”

“It’s a wild animal, then!”

There’s muffled screaming behind the door and you’re becoming just as frantic to open the door as Jason is on keeping it closed. Finally, you full on body slam into Jason, causing both of you to tumble to the floor, and as the door flies open you feel something land on your legs. When you look to see what it is, you take a deep breath in.

“Jason. Why is your friend tied up and beaten up? And why does he have sock shoved in his mouth?” You ask as calmly as you can.

He remains silent for a moment before muttering: “He started it.”

“Oh my god, what has my life come to?”

“Hey, at least I was being honest about the wild animal part!” That statement earns Jason a kick from Roy, and an extension to this headache for you.

“Why are you guys like this?”

obsessed

Imagine a group of humans and aliens talking about their home worlds while in the ship’s canteen. One world is covered entirely by water (the crew members from there have to wear special masks to help them absorb the oxygen they need from the air); one is full of rare minerals and littered with what, on any other planet, would be precious stones and one is carpeted with dense vegetation and has the more biodiversity than any other planet.


Once they’ve all finished talking about their own planets, everybody turns to the humans and asks them what Earth is like. They’re only doing it to be polite though. They haven’t heard much about humans (except the usual stories, and only fledglings believe in those) and they can’t really believe that these fleshy bald looking things come from anywhere even remotely as interesting as their own planets.


There’s a pause and then one of the humans speaks up, “well, I come from a part of Earth called ‘England’ and, to be honest, it’s nothing like as cool as your planets sound. It’s alright though. We got some snow last year, so I’m hoping that we’ll have some this year as well when I get back.”


“Snow?” one of the water breathers asks, hissing slightly through their mask, “what’s that?”


“Frozen water that falls from the sky.” The human explains, “it’s really fun to play with. It’s only called snow when it’s soft though— when it’s hard it’s called hail. Nobody likes hail, you can’t do anything with it and it hurts if it hits you. I looked up during a hail storm once,” she adds, “when I was a kid. Huge hailstones and one hit me right in the eye! Hurt like Hell.”


“Is your planet really cold then?” one of the aliens asks, sounding doubtful since nothing has looked less equipped to deal with cold weather than a human.


“No,” she says, “not everywhere. England’s pretty cold, but in the Summer sometimes we get heatwaves. Last year I went out in one and forgot to wear suncream and got sunburn all down my arms.”


“Your planet’s sun… burned you?” a horrified creature asks, “was it painful?”


“Not really, just stung a bit,” she shrugs, “it was fine once the skin started to peel.” (At the back of the crowd that has now amassed around their table a voice says “I didn’t know humans moulted.” and another, horrified sounding voice replies “that’s because they don’t!”) the human continues on regardless. “It was really annoying actually, because it meant I couldn’t go out for a bit without wearing a jacket. Then when my burns had finally healed, I wanted to go to the beach, but when I got there there was this huge thunderstorm and I had to go home again.”


“Thunderstorm?” the word is whispered, mainly because the person asking secretly hopes the human won’t hear them so they won’t have to know.


“It’s when the clouds get all dark and it starts raining,” the human explains and everybody sighs with relief. Most planets have rain. “The clouds make these really loud banging noises,” she continues, “that’s the thunder, and electricity shoots down from the clouds— that’s called lightning. Sometimes people get hit by it, a few people even survive. I once—”


But one of her human friends cuts her off. “God,” he says, “you Brits are so boring, always talking about the weather!”


While she argues with him, the creatures seated around the table stare at them in astonishment and start to give a little more credit to those old stories. Because, though they look pretty harmless, a species would have to be tough to be able to survive on a planet where a person could be pelted with ice, burned by the sun and nearly electrocuted by the sky and then have another person describe those experiences as boring!

Suppose there was a species that was very peaceful, very good at diplomacy and just generally very nice— but they also happened to look really terrifying to humans. Sort of an opposite to that ‘humans are cute space orcs’ thing— species X is perfectly friendly, but just happens to look like they walked out of a human horror movie.

We don’t blame them for it, it’s not their fault (and we’re slightly too afraid to talk to them about it anyway) we just quietly avoid ships where they are stationed and stay away from areas where they live and, over time, it just becomes accepted that, for whatever reason, you don’t put humans and species X together. Captains turn down human applicants if they’ve got a member of species X on their crew and visa versa. They barely notice that they’re doing it, it’s just how things are done.

Then one day a human crewed ship breaks down in species X space so that one of their ships picks up the distress signal. Being such lovely people, they offer to help and the humans can’t think of a good enough excuse to refuse.

The repairs take about a week and, the whole time, the species X crew members are loving the human ship. It’s so spacious, you barely even see other crew members! (They don’t realise that all the humans are constantly ducking out the way whenever they see them coming.)

The humans, meanwhile, just spend the entire week in Hell. The species X crew members like to take shortcuts through the ventilation shafts, so you can constantly hear them skittering around above your head; the ship is full of this low key but very distinctive smell— rotting meat, the smell of death (apparently they give it off when they’re happy); half the crew have goosebumps, despite the temperature controls working perfectly.

The ones working in the engine room directly alongside the species X crew have it hardest though, they can’t run away— and it’s very hard to relax and do your job when, suddenly, you hear this noise above your head and a hairless, milk white creature with no eyes and a huge mouth filled with razor sharp teeth and long gangling limbs with fingers and toes that look human but like they’ve been stretched, leaps silently with catlike grace from the rafters, lands right next to you, flicks out a forked tongue, holds out a long taloned hand and asks “can I borrow your spanner?”

Submitted by @ lord-of-the-dark-realms 

Siblings

So, I had this thought after reading several stories about humans giving birth and not having eggs.  What if aliens do not have ‘family units’ the same way humans do, but instead raise children in more of a group setting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Captain H'roll'ah was excited to have hired on not just 1 but 3 humans, all of whom were extremely qualified for space travel.  Even better, they were all from the same clan and so there would be no rivalry or refusal to work together because of old scores to settle.

“Captain! Three humans just came in a have taken over the dining area! WHAT SHOULD WE DO?!?” Ensign Khralhen was out of breath and panicked, but his species was notoriously afraid of humans after it became public knowledge how dangerous they were.  Not that his own was much better, but H'roll'ah knew that these humans should be here and it was probably near a meal time for them.  How could such an evolutionary advanced and apated species not figure out a way to avoid needing 3 or meals a day was beyond H'roll'ah.

“It is fine, Ensign Khralhen.  These are likely the Humans that I just signed on to the crew.  They are from the same clan, so they should work at peak efficiency,” the Captain answered, trying to put as much calm and soothing into his voice as possible, “Let us go introduce ourselves and welcome them so that the ‘pack-bonding’ can begin.”

~~

“Greetings, I am Captain H'roll'ah and this is Ensign Khralhen, our cook.”

“Nice ta meetcha! Cook, huh? Guess we best buddy up to you right quick then!” said the male.  He was average height for a human and perhaps a little on the heavy side, but H'roll'ah knew that it was likely muscle not fat.  After all, this human and one of his female companions were security personnel.

“Always thinking with you stomach, Thomas.  How about you buddy up to the Captain, so that we do not get kicked off this boat? Hmm?” said the smaller female, later identified as Samantha or “Sam” for ease.  "Small" being used only in comparison because she did not have the bulk of her clanmates.  She must be the medical officer.  H'roll'ah was worried that she would be distant from her clanmates but her body language suggested extreme comfort and trust, above what H'roll'ah felt for his own clanmates of different castes.  The third human, Laura if the captain remembered correctly, remained silent but was constantly looking around, as if expecting an attack at any moment, not that strange considering all that H'roll'ah had hear about Earth.

“Well then, please tell me what times that the three of you eat, and I will prepare food for you then.  Also, please tell me any dietary restrictions you have so that you do not have any medical incidents,” Khralhen said, realizing that the humans could be bribed with food as easily as a Con'valix could be bribed with fruits.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

(3 Months Later)

Captain H'roll'ah was surprised at how well the humans worked together.  He thought that they might exceed standard human operating efficiency by 10%, but regularly they were 20-25% better than the reported average.  They barely needed to vocalize to communicate, and they were able to remember each other’s needs and the needs of the crew extremely well.  Captain H'roll'ah decided to ask them how they did it, and if it was a clan trait, where he could hire more humans of clan “Walker.”

“Thomas clan Walker, do you have a few minutes to talk about personal matters?” The captain asked, assuming that Thomas would, since he was off shift and relaxing in the lounge.

“Sure thing, hoss.  What can I do for you?  And I hope this isn’t about my or Laura’s tattoo’s, because we had to settle a bet on that a few days ago,” Thomas answered easily.  He was a bit flippant for the captain’s taste, but his results were impeccable and the other humans followed his lead, which spoke volumes for the man.  

“I was hoping that you could explain how you and your clanmates have achieved such a high efficiency rate.  You perform well above average, even for clanmates who grew up together.”

“Clanmates? Oh, that’s right! Sam mentioned that your species, and most species on this ship raise their young in a group setting and the kids hatch from eggs, right?”

“That is correct, and please do not remind me that human females carry their young in their bodies like a parasite.  The last time Sam explained that, it was enough to make all of us wonder how humans have managed to reproduce at all.” H'roll'ah still shuddered when he thought of it, and Khralhen wasn’t able to cook for 3 days after Sam had explained human reproduction.

“Fair enough, I think we reproduce more by accident that anything else, but yeah.  Me, Laura, and Sam are not clanmates like you think,” Thomas chuckled and shook his head, “We are siblings.”

“I do not know this word,” H'roll'ah answered uneasily.  In his experience, an unknown term from a human meant that something painful, gross, horrifying, or all 3 was about to be revealed.

“Sam could explain it better, and having Laura here only seems fair…” Thomas trailed off as he reached for his comm.  "Hey, brats (again with the casual disrespect), can you both get up to the lounge? Captain wants to know about siblings.“ H'roll'ah was always surprised that Thomas clan Walker could be disrespectful when asking for others to do something.

“Sure, be right up,” Sam responded.  She was likely a floor up in the medical facilities and wanted to take a break.

“Grrhhrhhgg.” Laura clan Walker had been sleeping, then, and did not want to come.

“Thanks, ladies, you can both explain family better than me.”  Now the captain was worried again because there was a second new word being bandied around.

~~~

“So, captain, a family unit for humans is very small compared to yours of Ensign Khralhen’s,” Sam explained, “A family is usually made up of the mother and/or father or a surrogate who has assumed that role and the children.  It usually numbers no more than 4-7 individuals.”

“But…But…how do you grow or develop? And to place all that burden on only one or two adults, how do they do anything else?” spluttered K'roll'ah.  He was shocked to find out that humans in the region called ‘America’ did not have an open community.

“Well, children who share 1 or both parents are called “siblings”, and they develop together.  The adults are called “parents”, and yeah, there is a definite loss of freedom involved.“

“So then, you three are…siblings?” H'roll'ah asked.

“Yes, Thomas is the oldest, and Laura is the youngest, with me in the middle,” answered Sam, “and our father bailed on us after Laura was 3 years old, so Tom became the ‘man of the house’ at 7 years old.”

THAT explained Thomas clan Walker’s attitude! Captain H'roll'ah realized that Thomas clan Walker had been in a command position and not had a commander from a young age!

“So that is why you both follow him? He is the new leader”

“Kind of, he is just the best at leading.  He knows what to do and does it well.” Laura answered, which was rare; she was the most quiet of the three.

“And the reason for your peak efficiency?” Captain H'roll'ah asked, determined to get an answer to his question.

“Well, we have known each other all our lives and spent most of those lives in close proximity to each other.  We just understand each other from the long familiarity and exposure.”

“Ah, the same way a pilot becomes better from being on the same ship, just with a person instead.”

“Exactly! And if you are interested in hiring others we are familiar with, we have some cousins, children of our parents’ siblings, who we know very well and want to get into space.”

“Then I will look them up, thank you for answering my questions." 

Humans were a strange species.  Instead of focusing on a large community, they developed close bonds with only a few people who share familial ties with them.  Captain H'roll'ah did hire the 'cousins’ and they worked out very well.  The human guidebook was updated to notify captains that humans sharing close blood ties have the potential to perform at higher than normal efficiency.  

~~

Now somebody write a story about a captain hiring siblings who hate/cannot stand each other!