what's on your mind (pure energy)

Secrets and Snarky Statements (TWO) (Steve Rogers x reader)

Originally posted by bluebrooklynkid

Pairing: Steve Rogers x reader

Summary: Reciprocation was the key word to the situation. (Part 2 to Secrets and Snarky Statements)

Requested: No

Warning: language

Word Count: 1969

Here’s a part two!! Srry this took so long and I’m posting at midnight, I had a hard time trying to find my way around this lol! Hope you like it! Tagged List: @imsecretlyromanburki




“Y/N, you got the report finished for today?”

“Yeah, I set it on the counter over there,” you answered Sam, your right arm extending behind you as it pointed towards the kitchen area.

Your nose was shoved into a book, not daring to separate your attention away from it for even a split second. Anything that was a possible distraction was your best bet right now. That and the fact you didn’t particularly enjoy any of the team’s company as of this moment in time. The antagonizing had gotten even worse and it had come to the point where they were so obvious and deafening, your secret had been exposed to now everyone. And when you say everyone, you mean everyone. Your mind eventually drew itself away from the pages of the book as the words became blurry, your thoughts gathering somewhere else, somewhere you couldn’t get out of your nagging head the entire night.

Tony continued, “-and Y/N, need to work out whatever nervous and sexual energy you have going on between the two of you.”

Steve'a eyebrows furrowed in shock and confusion as he looked to you for a simple answer to the equation, “Y/N what is going on?”

Your mind horrifically jumped back into reality as the words being muttered at that moment last night caused you to almost upchuck all over the place. You’ve refused to speak to Tony since last night, despite is close efforts to corner you in a room or catch you off-guard. It didn’t matter what why he tried, you still managed to escape his attempts every time. Your heart couldn’t come to terms with forgiving him in any way, shape, or form. What he did was unforgivable.

But Steve, he was an entirely different story. Ever since you ran out of the situation, your stomach twisted in knots as your heart sank to the bottom it, you’ve been avoiding him all day.

(everything in italics here happened last night)

You had locked yourself in your room, throwing yourself on the bed in horror and defeat, your wet tears staining the pillow you had clutched in your arms. Sobs wracked your body in an attempt to erase your memory of the horrible happenings that had just occurred, and replacing them with screams and tears. You shut yourself in your room for what felt like hours on end, the darkness somewhat soothed you at the horrid moment that had happened. As your breaths became light and slowed down to a normal pace, you felt your eyelids become heavy, a sleepy state masking over the heartbroken one. Darkness was all you could see and you felt achingly tired all of the sudden as you sipped into a state of pure silence.

That was until you heard the seemingly familiar knock on your door. Your head popped up quickly at the sound of the person deciding to interrupt your one quiet and soothing moment you had. Regret scaled over the room as you debated whether to answer or not, you didn’t want to speak to anyone at the moment, especially Tony. It wasn’t worth it. You decided to ignore the knocks and keep your mouth shut to a minimum, and watch the shadow of the person’s feet at the bottom of your door instead. Your eyes still trained on the black shadow underneath the door frame, you heard heavy breathing at the sound of your silence.

Your uneven breathing patterns were quiet until you heard a loud sigh muffle outside your door and a sweet voice filled with regret speak, “Y/N? Can we talk?”

Steve’s unforgettable, strong voice rang through your ears in a hazy way, your eyes widening for the first time in the past three hours. Your breath hitched in the back of your throat, head lifting off the pillow and then your body made it way weakly off the comfortable safe space. Daringly, your feet hit the soft carpet and you tip-toe your way over to the door. You feel Steve’s presence closer than before against the door as you lean your own body against hit, laying your palm against the cold steel.

On the other side of the door, Steve leans forward to place his forehead against the large object that’s keeping you two from seeing one another. He shuts his blue eyes tightly, pain and guilt washing over him as he hears complete silence on the other side.

He sighs deeply, before deciding to ask once more, “Please, Y/N. Can we please talk?” he pleads to you, his strong voice sounding slightly weak at his statement.

His pleads echo in your ear and you feel a pang at your chest, your mind clouding with thoughts of numerous ways to let someone down easy, telling them that the feelings weren’t reciprocated. The worst about it was that you already knew what he wanted to talk to you about. You could sense his guilt stricken voice ready to roll the truth off his pink lips. And you didn’t know if you could handle that quite yet, especially your heart. You could already feel your fast pace heartbeat come to a complete stop as the truth was being said, and your stomach no longer twisting in knots, it just stayed stagnant, all the feelings being gutted from your body.

“Steve, I can’t. Please, leave me alone,” you responded, your body aching as the memories came flooding back. Your lips whispered the unkind words so softly you weren’t sure if Steve could hear it.

Your words could be felt so softly through the door as Steve’s mind read your damaging response. He sensed the ache and defeat in your calming voice and knew that was his cue to leave and give up for the night. It wasn’t much, but he didn’t think he was going to receive much so suddenly anyway. He heaved in defeat and slowly stepped away from your door and made his way back to his room, his brain running with thoughts and ideas of how he was going to tell you the truth.

The feelings were recuperated, and he was in love with you.


Your mind tried to dive back into your professedly interesting book and tried to wash away last night’s happenings and focus on anything else. After minutes of no one passing by you or questioning your quiet demeanor, you sighed happily and continued your trek of no interruptions, no past memories and finishing this damn book if it took you years.

But, it looked as if minutes was too much time for you to be in a seemingly good mood. Your eyes trailed to another sentence before your reading was stopped short by someone standing in front of you.

“Did you listen to Tony?”

Your eyes flicked up from your book to be met with an annoyed looking Steve standing before you. Your eyes instantly widened at his sudden question and presence, nerves filled your body from your toes to your nose. As you repeated the question to yourself in your head, your eyebrows furrowed and eyes narrowed in confusion.

You confidently decided to push your nerves and evident feelings to the side to question him standing in front of you, “Unfortunately yes, I did listen to Tony. Everyone did,” you made sure to drawl out the word ‘everyone’ while grumbling your response. To avoid annoyance and awkward eye contact with the gorgeous man standing before you, you shifted your eyes back to your book in an attempt to let him know you were ignoring him.

Steve’s lips pursed in slight anger, his hands setting themselves on his hips as he watched you in anger as your Y/E/C set themselves apart from his gaze to the book’s in a matter of seconds. As he realized he wasn’t going to get your full attention without working for it, he stepped over closer to you bent down, his weight on top of his feet. He reached up and pushed your book down from your face and stared intently at you.

Your eyes narrowed at him and threw the book to the side of the couch and looked at him wide eyed, “What? What do you need?” you asked snarky, arms folding across your chest as if it was a protective gesture.

Your eyes stared back intently into Steve’s glistening blue orbs and you felt your knees weaken, like they always did when those eyes drew you in. You were in a tense position with him right now, but that didn’t mean those feelings were trying to creep their way back out.

Steve groaned in annoyance before gesturing his hand out by his frame, “Right before you ran out, Tony said something very obvious,” he trailed out the words and looked at you with hope filled in his captivating eyes.

You didn’t seem to pick up on it and shook your head back and forth in confusion, “Besides the part about me liking you? Because that was pretty obviously said,” you muttered, slightly rolling your eyes at the horrid memory.

Steve rolled his eyes back before jumping back up to his feet and running his fingers through his blond hair with a groan, NO! TONY SAID THAT I NEEDED TO SHOW YOU THE RECIPROCATION!“

You stood up quickly in a haze of pure confusion and threw your tired arms up in the air. What in the hell was he talking about? Your mind questioned you as the intent glare Steve was shooting you began to grow into an apprehensive one.

Reciprocation? Reciprocation of what? Embarrassment? Complete and utter horror? What in the fuck is he going on about?

Your mouth couldn’t form the questionable words that wanted to spurt out of your mouth, so instead your head did the talking, shaking from side to side in complete failure of understanding.

You could feel the nervous energy build up between the two of you and your heart felt as if had already exploded twice in the same minute. Steve’s figure inched closer to yours, and the closer he got, the farther you got from figuring out what he was talking about. When his presence was close to you, your mind clouded with meaningless thoughts and situations. It was him. He did this to you. He made you feel as if nothing in the world mattered but you an him. Wishful thinking.

“Fuck the explanation.”

Are the words Steve muttered before striding over so quickly and sudden you felt the room spin, and grabbed your sweet face in his chiseled hands and brought your lips towards his before whispering against your trembling lips, “I fucking love you.”

The words let his mouth and traveled right to your heart as your lips smashed together in a long awaited, searing kiss. No longer was your brain controlling your movements and thoughts, it was your feelings. The feelings for him you’d kept wrenched inside your heart for months as you pressed against his mouth, your body collapsing against his strong frame. Your knees couldn’t function and Steve wrapped his muscular arms around your body and tugged you against him, your bodies on complete and utter adrenaline.

As both your eyes shut and the lack of oxygen became an issue, he let go of your wobbly frame and captured your cheeks with his hands once more, pulling back slightly off your lips. Your throat emitted a whimper at the sudden loss of contact and Steve grinned happily before placing his swollen lips back on yours one last time.

You both pulled away and looked up at each other in a dreamy haze, your obvious feelings taking part in the red across your cheeks and the goofy grins displayed across your sets of swollen lips. You stared at one another for what felt like a loving lifetime before you heard the voice that started it all.

“Hey, hey, hey! Looks like that mission pairing ended up working after all!”

spirit guides and signs:

When your spirit guide comes to you, it will not always be “direct”.  When they come, it may be in the form of mental images, or perhaps quick flashes. A name perhaps in the middle of your meditation—that seems random, but actually isn’t.

It may be face you have never seen before, but it feels you with comfort and joy when it comes to you.

They will be pure, white energy. Good energy.

At times, it can be hard to discern what is conceived of the mind and what is from the Universe. So hone your intuition. Meditate, open your chakras, cleanse yourself. It makes it easier to receive their messages.          

Don’t be afraid to ask for a sign. Ask for subtle hints, for dreams, for visions, for feelings.

A spirit guide will manifest itself in multiple ways, and not all are obvious. But don’t lose hope. They are there, listening, helping, we just need to open ourselves up to them.

And sometimes it’s so vague. That voice in your head that tells you not to turn the corner, that helps you remember what you’ve missed, that comforts you when you are alone, that fills you with unexplainable joy.

They work even when we cannot see them, we feel them even when we don’t think we can.

It’s just a matter of reaching out.

(and if you choose to, remember, shield and be clear about what spirit you want to contact, also this is based off of MY personal experience).

anonymous asked:

Do you know any ways you could improve yourself? Specifically the mind & soul.

The continued desire to grow. In the same way the flowers sole focus is the Sun, your sole focus should also be the light. And once full illumination is reached, then you’ll open up yourself to the world, just as the flower does with its petals. Your existence will beautify the world. All those that gaze in your direction, will have appreciation for your embodied pure energy.

By choosing to live gracefully and meaningfully, along the way you will gain insights into life from your own unique experiences. You will mould what you learn into all sorts of beautiful forms: art, ideas, music, poetry, novels, philosophies, the potential is endless. And you will also gain amazing qualities such as: compassion, wisdom, maturity, faith, truth, appreciation, gratitude, kindness, humbleness, another infinite aspect of life. You will share these things with the world, the energy you give out will be pure unconditional love, and that will be your own individual contribution to existence.

You do, what you think you need to do, right now. If you don’t know what that is, pray and ask to be shown, God always delivers. Look around at your life and ask what do I need right now to better my life, get clear about your own true needs. These needs will be internal, everything comes from within. So if you find yourself naming material things, then you need to look deeper into yourself. Meditate on it, don’t limit the time of contemplation, within a few days everything will be much clearer. Life will show you what you need to know. The words of Johann Wolfgang come into mind “Just trust yourself and you will know how to live”. Develop a deeper trust for life to unfold in accordance with the good, do not fear, let go of control and go with the flow. You’ll find life to be much more joyful, full of smiles and laughter, free from anxiety and stress. You have all the power within you, to transform anything you touch into gold, that includes yourself. Prayer is power, the key is knowing what to pray for, and doing it from your heart. Believe and trust.

I believe in you!✨

Practicing without budget

This post is inspired by posts I earlier saw about how to be a “low budget witch” when you don’t have x, y or z tools for practicing witchcraft. I’ve got happy news: you don’t need anything. Just your own mind and sometimes pen and paper.

Let’s say, for an example, I’m waiting for a package, and I want it to arrive faster. It should arrive in 3-5 days after shipping. This is, of course, just my own personal opinion, but I think it’s useless to light colourful candles and pray some deities and hope them to do the work for you.

Instead of candles and things, for me witchcraft is all about manipulating energy with pure willpower. So step 1 is to know clearly what I want. Step 2 is to know what are my limits. Step 3 is creating and focusing the energy via visualization. Step 4 is to do slow grounding and ‘return’ to my everyday life.

I would - explained simplified - write down the tracking number. I need to 'connect’ myself with the package. I can’t hold the package in my hands. I don’t know exactly even know how the package looks like, but I still need something really concrete. Men who work in the post offices are busy and sometimes they don’t have enough time to handle all the packages during the day. I can’t make the package fly to my hands, but I can manipulate the energy around my package via tracking number and make it more attractive - maybe a postman chooses intuitively my package before someone else’s package - and before the work day ends.

So I want the package arrive earlier, it is the 1. step. I know I can’t make the package fly, so it is the 2. step; my limits. Step 3 is focusing the manipulated energy to the package making it feel more attractive (the hardest part). And then 4. continue living waiting for the package.

I can light the candles too if I want, the placebo effect works also.
To see things truthfully

For when you feel you need to clear your head of misconceptions. It’s best if you perform this spell in dim lighting. Needed:

  • Candle(s), preferably white
  • A small glass or crystal bowl of water
  • Salt, optional

Set up your altar and cast a circle as desired. Sprinkle a small bit of salt into the water or use another method for purification and blessing, such as visualization, and affirm:

I purify this water for clarity of mind.

Dip your fingers into the water and sprinkle some around the candle(s) and your altar setup, if you’ve arranged one. Say:

I purify this altar for honesty and truth.

Replace “altar” with “candles” if it is more applicable. Be still and breathe, focusing on what you want to achieve. Then light the candles and say:

Illuminate the darkness, clear away obscurity
Cast off all illusion and let truth be known to me

Gaze at the bowl of water in the candlelight and visualize it glowing with a bright, pure light. Touch a finger to the water and then to your eyelids and/or forehead. Sit a moment. Imagine the energy of the blessed water saturating your eyes, clearing your sight; visualize the light of the candles filling your mind to drive out darkness and confusion.

End your rite as desired.

The first chakra is the Earth chakra, located at the base of the spine. It deals with survival, and is blocked by fear.
What are you most afraid of? Let your fears become clear to you. You are concerned about your survival, but you must surrender those fears. Let your fears flow down the creek.

Next is the Water chakra. This chakra deals with pleasure and is blocked by guilt.
Look at all the guilt that burdens you so. What do you blame yourself for? Now accept the reality that these things happened. But do not let them cloud and poison your energy. If you are to be a positive influence on the world, you need to forgive yourself.

Third is the Fire chakra, located in the stomach. This chakra deals with willpower, and is blocked by shame.
What are you ashamed of? What are your biggest disappointments in yourself? You will never find balance if you deny this part of your life.

The fourth chakra is located in the Heart. It deals with love and is blocked by grief.
Lay all your grief out in front of you. Love is a form of energy, and it swirls all around us. A love of your lost ones has not left this world, it is still inside of your heart; and it is reborn in a form of new love. Let it flow through you.

The fifth in the chain is the Sound chakra, located in the throat. It deals with the truth, and is blocked by lies, the ones we tell ourselves.
You can not lie about your own nature. You must accept yourself as you are.

The sixth pool of energy is the Light chakra, located in the center of the forehead. It deals with insight, and is blocked by illusion.
The greatest illusion of this world is the illusion of separation. Things you think are separate and different are actually one and the same. We are all one people, but we live as if divided. We are all connected, and everything is connected. Even the separation of the four elements is an illusion. If you open your mind, you will see that all the elements are one; four parts of the same whole. Even metal is just a part of earth that has been purified and refined.

The final chakra is the Thought chakra. It is located at the crown of the head. It deals with pure cosmic energy and is blocked by earthly attachment.
Once you open this chakra, you will be able to go in the state of mind where you will have complete control and awareness of all of your actions. Meditate on what attaches you to this world… Now, let all of those attachments go. Let them flow down the river; forgotten. You must learn to let go, otherwise you won’t be able to let the pure cosmic energy flow into you from the Universe.

I Vampire!BTS I

authors note: I know I said this would be out earlier but what can I say I tried~ This bio is for the characters in my bts vampire au “Too Sweet”. If there are any questions feel free to ask! Enjoy💕↠ Too Sweet

Originally posted by jjilljj

Kim Seokjin, a Pure Blood

Jin is the from a wealthy aristocratic family and has an impressive career as a doctor. Ever since he was young he knew there was something off about him, he wasn’t quite like the others. When it came to blood, he was never controlled by it like the other Vampires, he didn’t even crave blood on the full moon. Over the years he retained that quality, which allowed him to fit into society much easier than he otherwise would. After graduating college he went on to be a surgeon and hematologist. Soon he became known as one of the best doctors in his specialty. Like his father once did, he manages a vampire-human university. Jin grew up with Namjoon, Yoongi, Hoseok, Jimin, Taehyung and a Jungkook as they all attended the same school. Even though they were all separated by a few years a strong bond was built through their many years with each other. Feeding is something Jin goes into slowly with a lot of thought, being that he studies blood, he is fascinated by the way it works and what makes it so unique. 

Empathy. Jin has the ability to interpret and replicate the emotions, moods, and temperaments of others without having to read apparent symptoms, allowing him to understand and discover if one emotion is hiding another. He can attack you in a personal and emotional way since he knows exactly what emotion is flowing through you and can use this knowledge any way he pleases.

Healing energy. He can manipulate healing energy and heal his inflicted bite wounds as well.

Hypnosis/Neuro-Linguistic Programming. He is able to affect or directly influence your mind to his commands with some convincing.

Originally posted by jitonic

Min Yoongi, a Pure Blood:

Yoongi grew up in a strict household, for a while his life consisted of going to school and practically living at the hospital. His rare condition disables him from consuming any type of human blood. If he happens to ingest even a small amount he can get sick and feeble. Blood from any average donor can  leave him with intense migraines for days at a time along with dramatic drops in energy and strength. Ever since he was young he was constantly being stuck with needles and examined by countless doctor in hopes that they could help him, but none of their efforts were permanent. As soon as Jin graduated his university he begged Yoongis doctors to let him take him as a patient. Through Jins studies he found an ancient remedy to help him live more comfortably, vampire blood, more specifically Jimin’s blood. It’s well known that giving Vampire blood to an ill Vampires can help cure many different sicknesses if consumed correctly. He hasn’t been able to find a cure closer than Jimin and you. As far as symptoms after being bitten, there’s a chance you’ll suffer from some of the symptoms he has, he’ll even link to your consciousness by accident if he’s not paying attention. For Yoongi, Feeding is an intimate gesture depending on the vessel and feeding cycle. He rather feed in a more private situation, for him, the more personal the feeding the better.

Dream manipulation - He has to ability to create, shape, enter and manipulate the dreams of oneself and others, including modifying, suppressing, fabricating, influencing, manifesting, sensing, and observing dreams as well as nightmares, daydreams, etc. He can produce and modify dreams, bestow nightmares or lucid dreaming, entrap people in REM sleep, and nurse emotional health.

Mind Link - Imprinting, Mental Link, Psychic Link, and Telepathic Connection/Link. He has the power to link minds with anyone through a close bond.

Hypnotic eyes - He can put others in a suggestive trance upon eye contact, the effect may take a few minutes to work or happen instantly. While in the trance, the person becomes highly pliant to his will.

Originally posted by sugaa

Jung Hoseok, a Pure Blood:

Hoseok is one of the more peculiar vampire breeds; he seems like sunshine and flowers until he starts feening for blood. Hoseok lived a normal childhood, unlike most of his peers at the university he didn’t live in an all vampire community, he went to a human school. As a Vampire, for him, the mere thought of sinking his fangs into tender flesh gets him worked up. It’s addictive. He is prone to over feeding due to needing large sums of blood to satisfy his hunger. When Hoseok hasn’t had much blood he behaves aggressively, he doesn’t care who you are as long as your blood smells good he’s drinking. When Jin needed her to give blood for the first time he happily volunteered, having a donor that’s never been fed from only heightened his need to be the first. His breed has traits developed during childhood when feeding. If he’s feeding he’s most likely touching you somewhere, whether it be your arms, waist, hair, anything he could get his hands on; it was just natural to do that. The toxins released when feeding leaves people with munchausen syndrome. You might start convincing yourself that your sick physically, mentally, etc but it doesn’t last for more than a few days. But in exchange for a bit of your sanity, he does have the ability to heal you physically during the feeding. Feeding is a sporadic event for him, he does it when he feels like it and many times the vessel isn’t even sure what happened after.

Empathy - also called Empathic Perception/Sense. The user can fully interpret and replicate the emotions, moods, and temperaments of others without reading apparent symptoms, allowing them to understand introverts or discover one emotion is actually hiding another. They can attack someone in a personal and emotional way since they know exactly what emotion is flowing through themselves and can use this knowledge to play against them.

Healing energy - The user can manipulate healing energy, capable of restoring anything to its optimal health.

Originally posted by chimcheroo

(could not find the gif i was looking for ughh this is cute tho)

Kim Namjoon, a Pure Blood:

Now Namjoon seems to have the most fun being a Vampire; I say that because he uses his abilities more than anyone else. His special abilities mainly come from his mother, who has been a phycologist for troubled Vampires and donors for many years before he was born. Her profession led her to make Namjoon study hard, not that she had to force him. As his abilities got stronger he was able to tap into others conscious with ease. As invasive as it sounds he had no shame doing it, he claims it was for research or something like that but nobody buys that. His ability to mess with your mind doesn’t go unpunished; the more he uses it, the least control he has over it. It’s not permanent but for a while he won’t be able to change control it. Namjoon is known to assert his dominance in every situation he sees fit, he knows what he knows and if you wanna call it pride so be it. It’s now a pretty well known fact that Y/N has the best blood they’ve ever encountered, that makes him just as curious as everyone else. After being bitten by him it’s not likely you’ll have any symptoms after. Feeding is enjoyable for him and the vessel, if you like not being able to control yourself then he’s the Vampire for you. During feeding he can immobilize your movements and coax you into a compliant mindset, pushing you until you’re begging for more.

Mind Control - also Brainwashing, Manipulative Hypnosis, Mental Domination, Telepathic Manipulation. User can control the minds of others with targets being completely subject to their mental control. If the victims were placed into a semi-conscious state, they may not have any recollection of the previous actions that they performed while under its effect.

Telepathy - The ability to read the thoughts of, or to mentally communicate with others.

Originally posted by sosjimin

Park Jimin, a Hybrid:

Jimin is one of the most sought after kind of Vampires because of his background. His mother has love manipulation and his father has mind control manipulation, etc. He is affected by the crescent moon rather than the full moon because of his mother. “The lovers of blood” is what they call vampires like her, and he inherited more qualities from than his father. Just like the others, he releases a kind of venom when he bites, his mimics a kind of love potion. If you’re bitten during his height of feeding you will most likely intensely crave to touch, love and give blood without any sort of context. Jimin is very aware of himself and tries to lay low so he doesn’t do something he’ll regret. He does take certain medicine to calm his natural urges but if he misses one it’s over. SIf he’s under the influence of the moon and he finds you suitable he’ll do whatever it takes to drink from you, seduction is normally the go to for him; and it always works. After it’s all said and done a wave of guilt washes over him, as if he had just violated something sacred. You, on the other hand, will feel just like he did. It was close to lust but not as physical. Feeding is more pleasurable for him than anything, it’s a blurred expression of hunger, greed, love that he doesn’t normally get to act on the way he really wants.

Love Manipulation - also called Affection Control, Affection Manipulation, Amokinesis. He senses and manipulates all aspects of love, of himself, creatures. Whether by increasing, decreasing, causing or otherwise channeling love, even turning the emotional energy to a physical level.

Originally posted by viirorirosa

Kim Taehyung, a Hybrid:

Taehyung’s mother doesn’t have any abilities, aside from being a Vampire; so, he inherited most of his fathers mannerisms and abilities. Being a younger Vampire, he does tend to ‘play’ with his food. Being playful is what he’s most guilty for when it comes to feeding, the others were always suspicious of Tae; he was a bit of a trouble maker. He and Jungkook play pranks, do mischievous things together; it resulted in them being scolded my Jin or whichever Hyung could catch them first. When Tae was younger he loved the way people bent to his will, depending on how he spoke. He realized he was an early bloomer in discovering his abilities, he had the power to convince and control others with his voice. It comes in handy when getting his way with vessels like you. You’d have to experience his feeding first hand to understand it; he’s childish but he can flip in a second. When Feeding it’s important he doesn’t get distracted by the things around him(he feeds in front of others often), but if he does become distracted he gets frustrated and a bit forceful with whoever he’s feeding from.

Autohypnosis - He can compel you by speaking, you are unable to disobey; the seemingly cogent commandment is far too compelling. During the full moon he can even persuade you into hurting/killing yourself or even flip around sense of logic.

Originally posted by jeonbase

Jeon Jungkook, Part Human Hybrid:

Jungkook was born into a very power family that has a lot of influence in the Vampire community and he is set to be the president of his fathers empire. His parents are concerned about him but they’re also at ease knowing he is in the capable hands of Seokjin. Jungkook is the only Vampire in the university that is part human (is mother is half human, making him ¼ human). The complicated part about mixing humans and Vampires is that the offspring is prone to genetic oddities and many other problems; because of that he is rarely able to feed direct from the source. There is a stigma around part human hybrids; some say they’re psychotic or savages but Jungkook has never been quite like that. Sadly, he is constantly torn between his human and Vampire side, never really knowing how to force the two into harmony. Jin created a medicine for his condition and he take gets two injections a month to dull the headaches and take away any taste for human blood. The symptoms he get’s from the medicine can very between him wanting human blood to despising it, so it’s really a gamble with him. Jungkook is very manipulative, he can have you willing to let him feed in seconds if he really wanted to. But Jin would never allow it. Jungkook has the tendency go over board. Over drinking is normal for his age but he can drink from until there’s known left and not even notice. Since he’s never had the chance to do it freely, feeding is merely one of his fantasies. He is hoping one day he could make those thought a reality with you…

Subconscious manipulation - He can manipulate everything hidden inside him or others subconscious, including ideas, wishes or desires, traumatic memories, painful emotions, etc. This allows him to manipulate the hidden aspects of the mind in various ways, for example arrange memories as one desires, awaken secrets and information hidden deep in the subconscious, and give shape to emotions or thoughts hidden inside the mind. He can erase what resides in the subconscious (like the ability to choose right from wrong) and leave only what they deem “important” making them very strong or very dangerous.

Brain Bleach - Spell to remove unpleasant thoughts

NOTE: This spell is not a substitute for trained therapy or contacting the police. This is just to remove unpleasant thoughts (the old meme “what has been seen cannot be unseen” works here)

Black Candle
Basil oil (harmony and peace)
Cedar oil (balance)
Eucalyptus (purification)
Peppermint oil (purification and mental energy)
Piece of Calcite

Mix up the oil and annoint the forehead with it. Light your candle and charge your calcite with the following:

My mind is clear and my thoughts are pure, I am happy, calm and relaxed.

Carry the calcite when you need to have clear thoughts

Note: Make sure you do not have adverse reactions to the oil by testing on small patch of skin first or contacting a doctor.

Puzzle Pieces (Doyoung X Reader)

I’m sorry y’all I couldn’t find a smaller gif of this but I love his bunny smile so I had to use it 😩 Also this legit was written mostly in one night because it was raining hard & I got inspiration to write randomly & actually originally was supposed to be a scenario with a random nct member with doyoung as your bff but I switched it to Dodo after a couple of seconds💞 I’m also in the middle of 2 requests that will hopefully be posted in the next couple of days so thank you for the waiting & I hope you enjoy this!!:))

Originally posted by dovounq

The midnight rain pounded down on your window as your eyes were glued to your phone screen. You had been texting your best friend Doyoung, when had all of a sudden he texted you two words that completely froze your entire body and heart.

“Help me”

You laid in bed, wondering if this was some sort of joke or if he was being serious since you never could tell until Doyoung clarified it himself. But after a couple of minutes, he still hadn’t said anything back so you quickly texted him asking, “What happened????” And shortly after he replied, “Help me ______”.

You knew Doyoung well enough to know that this was probably something serious so without a second thought, you shot out of bed in your fuzzy pyjamas and ran out of your room, quickly throwing on a random hoodie, which happened to be Doyoung’s, as well as random sneakers. Then after quickly locking your front door, you ran out of the house silently praying to God that Doyoung was okay and that your parents didn’t wake up in the middle of the night and pass by your room.

“Please, please, please, let him be safe” You whispered as you ran in the heavy rain with the water sloshing around in your sneakers.
Luckily, the building where he lived in was close by to your house so you were able to make it there in about five-ish minutes or so.

Out of breath and soaking wet, you burst through the front doors and ran up the stairs, not having any time to wait for the elevator. Your best friend needed you right now and you were going be there for him, no matter what the consequences. Your mind and heart were both started to race at wondering about the possible situation he could be in. Was there a robber there? A murderer? A psycho? Or all three in one? You didn’t even know nor could tell from the two message Doyoung had sent you.

Soon, you were on his floor and panting harder than an unfit gym member. You wheezed as you used the last amount of energy within you to open the door to his dorm which was oddly unlocked and you were met with pure blackness.

“Doyoung?” You called out into the darkness. Fear was starting to creep under your skin as you thought of what could be lurking as your eyes adjusted to the darkness. “Hello? Doyoung? Are you here?” You called out again but were met with silence.

All of a sudden, you saw the flame of a lighter in front of you and you cursed loudly, jumping back. You had your hand on your heart as it felt like it was about to explode out of your chest while you squinted to see who was holding the lighter.

“_________?” A timid yet smooth honey-like voice spoke.

Of course, it was none other than Doyoung, the now idiot who was going to get his butt handed to him on a silver platter.

A surge of anger coursed through you as you realized that he was completely fine and not in any danger at all. “You have exactly twenty seconds to explain why you sent me those texts and made me sprint here like Usain Bolt in the pouring rain just to find out you’re standing in the pitch-black like some wacko with a lighter.” You crossed your arms over your chest as the lighter flame came closer to you and you were able to see Doyoung’s face that held worry with fear.

“I-I-I was scared.” He mumbled. Though he was much taller than you, he was like a little puppy with his head and shoulders hung down, facing you. But you weren’t going to let him off this easily.

“Of what may I ask?” He lifted his head to look you in the eyes as he said, “Of the dark.” You tilted your head at this, Doyoung had never been scared of the dark in the past so what had occurred recently to make him develop this new fear?

“The electricity went out and it became so cold here and lonely and I felt so empty, it scared me ________.” He ran a hand through his ginger-blonde hair and took a deep breath.

“I used to think living all by myself was a good thing and that I was ready to start it without my family, but obviously I wasn’t able to. The darkness reminded me that I don’t have anyone by my side whenever i’m home so I could literally get a heart attack and die and no one would find out until days or weeks later. I know i’m overthinking it but I couldn’t help it, I feel like I have no one in my life here except for you.” His warm brown eyes glistened slightly and his voice cracked towards the end of his speaking.

Your heart was aching out of sorrow as you took the lighter out of his hands and wrapped your arms around Doyoung, rubbing his back as he cried. You had had a feeling that this was going to come one day because Doyoung was such a people and family person, always doing activities with others and not wanting to be alone for a second unless it was to relax. And since his family had moved for her father’s new job, Doyoung had decided to live by himself instead of staying with your family so he could experience “real life” as he had said it. You knew he wasn’t ready because the boy was such a cute fluff ball no matter how tough he acted so he wouldn’t be able to last a couple of months. You realized in the moment that you were right however, you hadn’t expected for him to cry and have a breakdown.

“Shhhhhh, it’s okay, Dodo, i’m here for you now am I not?” You murmured in his ears as you felt his body shake and he squeezed you tightly with his face in your or technically his wet sweater. You kept hugging him, not caring about the drenched state you were in at all.
The curves of your body perfectly molded into his like puzzle pieces that clicked. Whenever you hugged Doyoung you always felt yourself think of him as a man rather than a friend and your heart fluttered. You blamed it on the hormones but sometimes wondered if you actually had a crush on him or not.

Doyoung pulled away, causing you to put your hands where his shoulders connected with his chest since touching his shoulders would be awkward when you were a good couple of inches smaller. “No matter what, I will always be here for you okay? Even if i’m fighting off a hundred rabid dogs, I will put it aside and go to you if you need me. And so would your parents and brother, we’re all here for you even if they may not be physically they’re there in your heart. Also, if you ever do feel like this again then just tell me that you’re sad or needing company and i’ll come but don’t freak me out like this ever again because I thought you were getting kidnapped and being shipped to Peru.”

Doyoung laughed, making you smile after hearing the beautiful sound. Though it was dark, you were able to make out his features as he gave you a smile and sniffled saying, “I will for sure ________, now would you be able to stay with me tonight?” He shyly asked. You didn’t quite understand what was up with the shyness since he rarely was like this but figured it had to because he had spilled his feelings to you and shown his emotional side that he rarely showed.

“Of course Dodo” you slipped your hand in his and he smiled at you again, his bunny teeth showing and making your heart beat faster. Doyoung intertwined his fingers with yours and led the way to his room and you shivered as the cold air hit your wet body. Doyoung noticed and looked back at you saying, “Actually second thought, let’s get you cleaned up first then go to bed.” “If I hadn’t shivered you probably wouldn’t have noticed that I was freezing then?” You raised an eyebrow as he took you into the washroom and lighted a candle. Doyoung nervously laughed and rubbed the back of his head, “Uh, no. I uh probably would have but I mean it was dark so you can’t really blame me.” You rolled your eyes, dumb Doyoung was finally back.

“Even if it’s dark I still know you’re rolling your eyes at me loser and stay here i’ll be back with clothes.” You scoffed at his words, “Where else would I go idiot?” You retorted as he walked out of the washroom. You huffed to yourself and took off the soaking sweater, quietly snickering since it was Doyoung’s and he would have to wash it. “Here you go.” You jumped and put a hand on your heart, “Doyoung! You can’t just pop out like that when it’s dark!!”

This time you saw him roll his eyes as the candle light cast a glow on his face, “You’re such a drama queen ________ I swear. And also you should be more alert because I was walking pretty loudly unless you have hearing problems that you haven’t told me about.” “Doyoung, i’m five seconds away from messin’ that pretty face up.” You growled at him. Doyoung ignored your words and grabbed your hands, placing a soft sweater, some sweatpants and a folded towel in them.

“Here, change and dry off. I’ll be in my room.” He walked out of the washroom coolly making you want to laugh yet you were slightly turned on by how he sounded like you two were going to “sleep” with each other. You closed the door then dried your body and hair with the towel before slipping into Doyoung’s comfy oversized clothes that smelled like him, a scent of musk mixed with peppermint. For a couple of seconds, you stood there, inhaling the scent of the sweater before you heard a “I’m pretty sure it doesn’t take that long to change _____!”

You blushed, realizing he probably knew that you were smelling his clothes and stuttered out a, “S-shut up!” Then picked up your clothes and put them on the sink counter before walking out into the cold darkness and quickly walking to his room. The door was thankfully open and you entered.

The first thing you noticed were the small candles lit everywhere to provide a soft glow around the room. Doyoung was laying in bed, looking cozy and you squealed, running over to him and jumping on the bed. You shimmied around a bit before your body shivered, reminding you of the cold.

“Come under the covers you goof, it’s too cold.”

You complied and slid underneath the thick covers, feeling the heat from Doyoung’s body radiate off of him to you. You yawned, feeling the sleepiness of the night finally catch up to you and scooted closer to Doyoung, making sure not to touch him. No matter how close you were, you didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable to constantly touch you even if that was what you wanted. You heard him sigh before you felt him grab your upper arm and envelope you in a hug, squishing your face into the crook of his neck.
“Doyoung-“ “Shhhhhh” He cut you off.

His smooth hand caressed your head and he smoothed out your damp hair, relaxing you while his other hand was casually resting over your waist. “Just sleep _______, you’ve done enough for today.” He murmured, his warm breath blowing on your hair. He was so warm and soft that you didn’t stop yourself from cuddling closer to him and enjoying the moment more.

Doyoung kept smoothing out your hair as your breathing began to slow down and before you could go to sleep you heard him mumble, “You’re probably asleep now but if only you knew what you did to me.” He sucked in a breath before continuing softly,

“You’re so beautiful inside and out _________, I want to hide you from the world and keep you locked in a pendant on my neck close to my heart. You’ll never understand the effect you have on me or others when you do simple things like make funny faces, talk back, sniff my clothes and worry about me. I’m so selfish but I love when you worry about me, I fall for you deeper because you’re such a caring person, willing to throw everything to the side for anyone. I was so sad this whole day but seeing you made it better in instant since you’re my happy drug. When you walked in the room, everything became brighter and I hope you continue to shine for me only but I know you won’t. I know you probably have a crush on that Taeyong guy since all you do is talk about him nowadays. And it hurts but I’ll support you because I love you. I’m glad you weren’t awake to hear this because i’d be so embarrassed if you were and maybe one day, one day I might get you to look at me like how you look at candy.” He chuckled, while silent tears fell down your face at his revelation and your heart beat quickly.

“I’m still awake you jerk.” You blubbered out, your voice cracking and wiping away your tears with your hands.

“Oh shit.”

You pulled away from his arms and looked up at his shocked face, “Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?” His eyes darted from your face to anything but you as he gulped, trying to find words to say. “I-I-I” He stuttered. “I like you too idiot, I have for a long time.” You whispered to him. Doyoung froze, his shocked face turning into one of disbelief then happiness after what you said registered in his mind. He looked down at you and smiled widely, his bunny teeth adorably showing.

Then he did the unthinkable and leaned in, kissing you. His lips were soft and his breath tasted like how he smelled, peppermint. You were frozen at first, not knowing what to do, until his smooth hand cupped your cheek and you started to move your lips with his soft ones. There was so much love and tenderness in this kiss that your heart started to beat even faster. How was this even possible?

You both pulled away for air and looked at each other’s faces, both wondering if this was a dream or reality.

“I-i’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-“ “It’s okay Dodo, I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.” You murmured, grabbing his warm hand to show that you cared and you weren’t offended by the kiss. You saw him smile, his face glowing from the candles, making him seem like an angel even more than he already was. But immediately, you took you hand out of his and he frowned at you in worry.

“So what’s this about me liking Taeyong huh?” Your eyes narrowed at Doyoung and he gulped, nervously laughing and fixing his hair.

“Uh, I- well you- or well he” He paused to sigh, “I thought you liked him because overtime we hang out all I hear is ‘Omg, Tae is so cool seriously Dodo’ or ‘Taeyong’s really smart he showed me how to blah blah‘. So I thought you liked him.”

You closed your eyes and let out a deep breath, opening them to stare into Doyoung’s warm and curious brown irises. You held his hand his again, softly saying, “Doyoung you’re such an idiot you know that? I’ve never had eyes for anyone but you and even if I did, they were all celebrity crushes. I haven’t talked to Taeyong in a long time since we were kids and I just found out that he’s actually a really cool, nice guy and last time I checked, that doesn’t mean that I like him. I don’t even know him that well, that’s why I’m always talking about him because he seems like such a great friend.”

“Thank god.” Doyoung mumbled, his cheeks turning a shade of red once realizing what he said. You laughed, causing him to smile widely, showing those bunny teeth again. Doyoung then pulled you closer to him and you both lazily slung your arms around each other’s waists, hugging each other.

He kissed the top of your head and whispered, “So does this mean that you’re my girl?” You looked up at his chin responding, “You still have to ask me out properly you goof.” He chuckled, his body rumbling with the sound and you smiled to yourself, snuggling into him. With a last kiss on the fore-head, he murmured, “I guess I better start thinking of ideas then. And you should sleep _______, you’ve had just as much of a tiring day as I have and I don’t want my princess to wake up grouchy and hungry.”

You yawned and laughed softly at his words, feeling your eyes droop as Doyoung played with your hair. “I love you Do-bunny.” You sleepily said. “I love you too princess.” He kissed your fore-head again and you realized you were falling in love with his kisses too. With that, you fell asleep in Doyoung’s arms and the light scent of candles surrounding you both.

Kyle Chandler may be the draw for Bloodline, and he’s as solid as ever (imagine Coach Taylor as a detective with the profanity filter turned off), but it’s Mendelsohn that will draw you in. Television has never seen anything quite like Danny Rayburn; He’s oily and conniving, equal parts charming and terrifying. He’s like the dark half of Aden Young’s character in Rectify, the kind of character that disturbs your energy. There’s far more to him than what’s immediately apparent, and most of the fun of Bloodline is getting inside of his mind and figuring out what makes the guy tick. Spoiler alert: It’s pure spite and malevolence.

What’s interesting about Danny, however, is how easy it is to simultaneously sympathize and despise him. He’s that guy you can’t help but want to root for, even though you know it’s never going to work out for him. He’s doomed from the beginning, and the only question is how far he’ll take the rest of the family down with him. He’s not so much an anti-hero as he is a villain you’d like to see win a few battles before ultimately losing the war. He’s a snake, slithering through the lives of his siblings, striking through the pretense and opening up old wounds that have to have the poison sucked out.

Bloodline is engrossing, so much so that somewhere along the way, you may find yourself wondering if you skipped an episode. You’ll start in on episode 7, fall into a trance, and wake up somewhere around episode 10, wondering what happened to the last four hours of your life. Mendelson will hook you immediately, but after four or five episodes — once the pieces begin to fall into place — the story will sweep you along toward the dark and sickly satisfying end, capping the series off with four of the best episodes in the short but stellar history of Netflix’s original programming.

- By Dustin Rowles, Pajiba | Netflix Movies and TV | March 23, 2015 |

New Moon in Taurus on April 26, 2017 🌕

The New Moon on April 26 falls in the practical, earthy sign of Taurus which reminds us to move slowly and double check things before moving forward.

Taurus energy is all about ensuring that you have created a solid, safe, and secure foundation by guiding us to review our “comfort zone.”

The energy from this particular New Moon may not be felt right away because Taurus energies moves at its own pace and is very methodical.

When the Taurus energies do finally hit, multiple retrograde energies are going to amplify these feelings, whether they are good or bad.

During this New Moon, solitude is best so that you are able to fully utilize this time for intense introspective thought and meditation.

Taurus energies are in place for you to analyze your past, so that you can let go of any foundational burdens and truly free your soul.

Helpful affirmations specifically set for the New Moon in Taurus on April 26, 2017:

• I consciously choose to connect with and nurture the Divinity within me.

• I claim what is mine and let go of what is not meant for me.

• I am free from the fundamental burdens that have weighed me down in the past.

• I am safe and secure in my Divinely protected comfort zone.


‪Full/New Moon rituals are for anyone with an open mind, heart, and soul with pure intentions who want to utilize these fresh energies.

If you need any help getting started, message me privately; please DO NOT post your intentions publicly.

As always, happy ritualizing ✨

❤️Follow me for more:
Twitter @queenhb
Instagram @thequeenhaleybrooke

Interference (pt 1)

Originally posted by sugutie

pt 1 | pt 2 | pt 3 | pt 4 | pt 5 | pt 6 | pt 7 | pt 8 | pt 9 | pt 10 | pt 11 | pt 12 | pt 13 | pt 14 | pt 15 | pt 16 | pt 17 |

Officer!Jimin x Reader~  

*big thanks to @namjeune for helping me proofread and more shit~

Your day started in darkness. There’s voices, hushed and muffled, speaking way too close, as if someone were beside you. If you could shiver in this dream-like state, you would at the eerie, almost ghostly whispers in your ear.

Your body is heavy and numb of feeling with your mind blank, just as blank as the dark world surrounding you. It doesn’t register in your mind that maybe your eyes were sealed tight until little of your senses begin to function and your fingers twitched, bright lights filtering through the darkness. It’s blinding but you force yourself to grab a hold of reality and pull yourself out of the tempting arms of unconsciousness.

Cracking open your heavy eyes, the first thing you register is the pure white ceiling directly above you. Upon awaking, you inhale sharply, your lungs eagerly welcoming your first breath since coming to, the oxygen mask attached to your face fogging up with evaporation when you exhale. Without much strength in your body with a peculiar throb in your head, your eyes flit around without twisting your neck.

The room you’re in is purely white with beeping machines and organized counters pushed towards the walls furnishing it. You could fairly guess that you were in the hospital, but for what reason were you here?

It takes a lot of whatever energy you had to attempt to recall the events prior to your awakening, but your mind is blank and it only causes the throbbing in your head to worsen. Your eyebrows furrow at the pain, finding the will to raise your hand and grip your forehead, the limb suddenly the weight of an anvil.

Your fingers brush over the top layer of gauze wrapped around your forehead, a sting forcing your jaw to clench when you press down on a certain spot above your temple. Glancing up, you spot the needle fixed into your arm, connected to an IV drip.

“Oh! You’re awake, perfect, I should call Dr. Nam right now!”

It’s only a few silent minutes before a feminine face peers over you, her body clad in baby blue scrubs and her hair pulled back and out of her face in a tight bun. Her doe-like brown eyes are wide with relief as she smiles down reassuringly at you.

“Wh… who are y-you?” you manage to croak out, your voice hoarse and filled with uncertainty as she helps you sit up, fixing a pillow to support your head and carefully pulling the oxygen mask off your mouth.

“I’m Nurse Oh, you’re at the hospital… Miss… are you alright? Does your head hurt?”

Oh no it feels fucking amazing, you think bitterly when your head throbs. However, you can’t help but notice the hesitant pause after Miss. Did she not know your name?

Your eyes widen when you realize you also didn’t even know your own name. Hell, it suddenly occurs to you, you have no idea who you are, and what you were doing in the hospital in the first place.

“You don’t know.. my name?” you ask hesitantly, gauging her reaction carefully as she goes through a state of shock. Her mouth opens and closes for a brief second, and just when she finally utters a noise, the door opens and who you assume is Dr. Nam walks in.

You size him up as a fairly tall man, his elongated body showing off a white lab coat with the same baby blue scrubs underneath, his hair is nicely styled off his forehead, and in his hands is a clipboard of papers you can barely care for when you’re having an identity crisis blowing up inside of you.

“No evidence of identification was found on you or at the crime scene, Miss,” Nurse Oh sighs as the doctor checks your vitals.

“Crime scene..?” you ask, your brain straining to figure out the blanks. You found yourself in the middle of a complex word search, with nothing but blanks and no answers to fill them. Whatever they said kept drawing more blanks, memories you had no idea of. It frustrated you, anger blooming across your chest the longer the nurse and doctor continued to ask you whether a limb hurt or if you could move it.

Doctor Nam stopped, and looked up at you, his eyes narrow as they intimidate your own into averting elsewhere, “Your body was found.. you were shot in the head when we found you, thankfully you hadn’t bled out.. you’ve been in a comatose for the past two months.”

“You’re lucky the bullet didn’t pierce through any crucial areas, only one side of your brain was damaged, I assume only your memories have been affected and nothing physical like moving or speaking.”

It’s on cue that images flash through your mind, images of an alley, the muzzle of a gun aimed right at your head when you turn. There’s blood, too much blood that you can’t recognize the color of the ground when your body shuts down and makes contact with the floor.

“Hey, are you okay?”

You jolt from your initial shock from the sudden onslaught of memories, but it leaves you empty when nothing else returns to you. The memories are there, you conclude, compiled in a sturdy box inside your brain, something restraining you from reminiscing them.

What could have happened that your brain completely blocked out all of your memories, leaving you with no recollection of who you were? Who would shoot you in the head in the first place? What connections did you have prior to the shooting that caused you to get stuck in this place?

“I’m fine,” you say as reassuringly as you can, managing a small bitter smile that is enough to make the doctor lay off and leave you alone to yourself and your thoughts.

Before the nurse leaves you, she turns on the television for you, leaving you as well after reassuring you that after you find the strength to move around again you’ll get discharged and maybe find a detective to help your crisis.

And that’s what you’re determined to do. You force yourself to forget the fact that you have retrograde amnesia, and push yourself to recover your regular motor skills.

It takes you a few days to be able to feed yourself without the need of a nurse to spoon food like a child.

It takes you a week to be able to push yourself into an upright position in bed without a nurse doing it for you.

It takes a few more weeks to be able to stand up without having to hold the hand of a nurse to balance yourself, however your strength only lasting to an extent before you seek the help of her to get you back in bed.

It takes you a month to begin to make baby steps, using a crutch as your support. With being able to walk, you’re no longer wearing those damned diapers that make you feel like a toddler. For the past month you’ve been nothing but an infant learning how to crawl and eventually walk, it’s a hit to your dignity when they have to change your diaper due to your inability to walk. However, you’re relieved to be able to carry yourself to and from your bed to the restroom.

It’s days after when you’re able to roam the hospital, your legs beginning to function how they would if you hadn’t been in a coma.

During the span of a month, you’re disappointed when no one claims to know you. There’s no family visits, friends, a boyfriend maybe, nothing. There’s no leads to anymore memories, just the knowledge that you were shot in an alley, and even then you had no idea where that alley could be.

When you’re finally able to ditch the crutches and walk on your own, your discharge from the hospital in the near distance, you’re suddenly hit with the realization that you had nowhere to go from there on. What were you going to do when you knew no one, you didn’t even know yourself? You had no name, no background, no home as far as you knew, there was nothing for you outside of those glass doors as you signed the forms for your discharge.

“Um Miss..?”

You’re jolted out of your thoughts by the receptionist, she carefully slides you a piece of parchment that you realize is the bill for your stay at the hospital. The price wasn’t as scary as the fact that you basically had nothing, there was no way you were going to be able to pay at this rate.

“You have to cut me some slack,” you try reasoning, desperate and beyond frustrated with your horrible luck, “I’m unable to pay for this, I have no idea who I am and what world I’m about to step into outside those doors, I have nothing…”

She shakes her head with a pitiful look her eyes, it almost makes you want to slap her for looking down on you like some abandoned puppy, even if that was what you were. Just an abandoned animal, no family, no home, nothing.

“I’m sorry Miss there’s nothing we can do about it, you can pay in increments but until then you-” the receptionist is interrupted by another voice, more masculine but not deep. When you look up, you’re not expecting the first thing you see to be a head of fluffy-looking orange locks.

“I’ll pay for her, partial now and in increments until it’s fully paid for.”

Mindfulness in Magic and Spirituality

Mindfulness is a subject that is both complex and simple. Trying to explain it often leads to long, over-worded conversations, thereby removing the inherent spirit of the practice. It is a concept that can be hard to grasp, and even harder to do. I will try to give a clear and simple explanation of mindfulness before exploring how it is a wonderful tool for enhancing magic, as well as spiritual and emotional well-being.

Mindfulness is the practice of being completely present in the moment. It is noticing, observing, feeling, and being aware. While being mindful, you release judgement. Mindfulness is doing one thing at a time. One moment for one action. One moment for one thought.

Here is an example of practicing mindfulness: While taking a shower, you feel the water on your skin. You take note of the temperature, the sensation. You watch the steam as it dances in the air. You breathe in the scent of the soap, maybe taste it as a drop sneaks into your mouth. The taste is neither good nor bad. It simply Is. Your thoughts will inevitably begin to run away. Maybe you think of all the tasks you have to do for the day. Now, in your mindful state, you take notice of the fact your mind has wandered, and gently bring yourself back to being present in the sensations and act of showering, without judgement.

Exercises in mindfulness are varied, but always place importance on noticing your breath and noticing any physical sensations. Mindfulness can be practiced with meditation (such as focusing on breathing), visualization (such as imagining floating in a peaceful pond), or by performing an action (such as mindful eating).

Why is Mindfulness Relevant to Witchcraft, Magic, and Spiritual Practice?
Mindfulness is useful in regard to magic because it will increase your awareness. You will notice things about yourself that are quiet and subtle. You will be able to experience nature, energy, divine, and magical experiences purely, without judgement. You will be able to navigate through life without being clogged with negative energy - learning to accept unsavory emotions and experiences without being swept away in them.

Mindfulness will bring you in touch with your body. As a host to our mind and spirit, the body is equally important for magical efficacy. Our bodies are our home and our connection with this earth. Our bodies relay information to our mind and spirit through physical sensations such scent, taste, and intuitive sensations to energy around us. They are our vessel for experiencing the physical world. Without it, magic cannot be performed. I ask you now: Can you feel tension in your body? Are your shoulders tight? Your jaw clenched? Do you feel your body touching the surface you are rested on? Do you feel the gravity holding you to the earth? Are there any sensations such as pain or discomfort?

Mindfulness will bring you in touch with your emotions. One thing mindfulness teaches you very quickly is that you are not your emotions. Your emotions are a phenomenon that gives you very important information about you, others, and your experiences - they are not You. You may feel anger, but You are not Anger. Anger is an emotion giving You information about a situation. It may not feel pleasant, but anger is neither good nor bad. It is simply an emotion and nothing more. I ask you now: What emotion do you feel in this moment? Where do you feel this emotion? Is it in your throat, your stomach, your fingers? When you allow yourself to stop and notice your emotions, where they live, and what they feel like you gain insight into yourself. You will surprise yourself with how hard it is to identify your emotions sometimes. And in becoming familiar with the body sensations associated with discrete emotions allow you further mastery of self-awareness.

Mindfulness frees you from judgement. How many times have you performed a spell and immediately began to take inventory of every mistake you made? Glumness about perceived failures in energy work, visualization, divination, astral work, and interacting with the divine are things all witches can relate to. Skepticism and self-doubt may rampage through your mind. Using mindfulness to manage self-judgement is effective. I invite you now: When practicing magic or contacting your deities, if you begin to fret - simply notice your self-judgement. Acknowledge it. Then gently bring your attention back to the task at hand, without judging your judgement.

Ideas for Use of Mindfulness in Magic and Spiritual practice:

  • If you worship deities, try to practice mindfulness in their presence. Put down the divination tools, resist the urge to communicate, and simply Be. This may seem counter-intuitive or uncomfortable, but that’s okay. Notice the thoughts, emotions, sensations, and phenomenon come and go without holding on to any of it. Do not become swept away in expectation or personal desires. Perhaps you will experience something new when approaching your deities in this way. Maybe they will come through in a new way, as you are now quiet in mind and body.
  • Being in tune with nature is imperative to most magical paths. Try to take a walk while being mindful. If you cannot walk, or go outside, for whatever reason, follow the trail of your seat, to the floor, to the foundation, right down to the earth. The earth’s solid prescene always there. All things are connected to the earth. Notice how gravity holds you down. Notice how your feet support you, your spine keeps you aloft. Outside, or through a window, feel the cold, whipping winds. Feel the hot, blazing sun. It is neither good nor bad. It simply Is. Notice the animals, vehicles, and weather come and go. Hear. Smell. Taste. What emotions come up for you? Simply notice them, just as you notice the clouds floating in the sky and the breeze on your skin.
  • Use visualization to cleanse yourself or ground yourself. You can find guided mindfulness practices on youtube that are helpful in this aspect.
  • When you have an intent for a spell, use mindfulness to help you better understand it. This will help you manifest it. For example, if your intent is to manifest “safety”, meditate on “safety”. What, if anything, does safety taste like? What does it sound like? When you feel safe, where do you feel it in your body? What color is the feeling of safety?

TL;DR Mindfulness is useful in regards to magic because it will increase your awareness. You will notice things about the yourself that are quiet and subtle. You will be able to experience nature, energy, divine, and magical experiences purely, without judgement. You will be able to navigate through life without being clogged with negative energy - learning to accept unsavory emotions and experiences without being swept away in them.

A simple internet search will yield tons and tons more about mindfulness and offer simple guided exercises en masse.

anonymous asked:

so I feel slightly ridiculous asking and I blame myself for watching to much tv, but how much of the stuff on the screen is movie magic and how much of it can we actually perform? like mind reading and control? or moving objects with our minds?

Hello there! Don’t feel ridiculous, it’s perfectly understandable to be a little confused when coming into this world. I think the only fair answer I can give is that what we do is influence, not control. We may be able to gather a vague notion of what someone could be thinking. We might be able to slightly influence them to take one decision over another through our spells. The best way I can describe it is that we make things more likely to happen. But for it to work, they have to be possible of happening in the first place. Our magic increases the odds, but that magic won’t do much good if the odds are already a million to one. 

Things like ‘mind control’ or reading thoughts are a little trickier but using things like body language and intuition we can be aided. If you adhere to the notion that there is positive and negative energy, then you could feel the negativity radiating from someone and get bad feelings about them or their behaviour. This is especially good for working out if someone has bad intentions. 

For moving objects with our mind, this, in my opinion, is impossible. I do think beings of pure energy such as spirits and deity are able to knock things over, but I don’t believe we wield energy to the same extent that they do, or maybe even the same type that they do. With no force going against the physical object I personally don’t see it happening. Some people will tell you that it is possible to move objects with your mind, but it’s very rare. It’s a matter of what you believe in.

What is the Higher Self?

Just today alone, I’ve answered three asks/fanmails that were talking about the Higher Self and what exactly it is. I think the Source is trying to tell me something. It’s a commonly confused subject, since the Higher Self isn’t the spirit that travels outside of our body (consciously or subconsciously). I’ve tried to form the best explanation I can gather, with the help of some of my spiritual comrades too, and I’d be more than willing to add to this with input from anyone. 

Let’s do this in question format, since that’s the easiest to format! 

When I travel outside my body and I’m not aware of it, is that my Higher Self?

In this case, it isn’t your Higher Self that’s causing you to travel. This is your spirit just in another plane/dimension, that you consciously, as a spirit, chose to travel to. We can all exist in many dimensions at once, which I’ll explain in more detail below. Your Higher Self never leaves your internal being, but instead travels as a self inside yourself in all the ways you exist and every will exist. The Higher Self travels with you, as the internal intuitive force/Source connection, but is not the consciousness choosing to travel. 

Then what is the Higher Self if it can’t leave my being?

The Higher Self is something that every spiritual being and human soul has. It is an aspect of ourselves that is within the very center of our spiritual being, and is our intuitive guide. In a way, it’s the personification that we mentally create to communicate with the Source-aligned center of our being. The Higher Self is pure divinity, truly our “highest self.” The Higher Self will never do harm, since the Higher Self is our mental interpretation of the pure Source energy within us all. The Higher Self is our True Self, completely free of ego and attachment, but translated through our mental personification. The True Self can’t be mentally interpreted, since Source energy is too much for the mind to directly comprehend, so our minds and spiritual consciousness translate this True Self into something more mentally palatable: the Higher Self.

How can I communicate with my Higher Self?

The Higher Self is best reached through meditation, specifically ones that call for aligning with the Universe Within/the Source inside your spirit. Often, this translates easiest, in the everyday, as a pure and strong intuition. The kind that’s strong enough to prevent you from harm when there are no logical signs, but you just know you’ll be harmed if you don’t listen to your intuition. Or the intuition that steers your towards your best and highest purpose and reminds you “hey, maybe you shouldn’t do _____ because it’s going to harm you in the long run.” Intuition, and listening closely to it until you can clearly discern your intuitive voice from anything mental or egoic, is a great gateway towards communicating with your Higher Self. 

Is my Higher Self another being that isn’t “me?” 

Nope! The Higher Self is as much you as your every thought, in fact, it’s more you than thought (since thought is in the mind). The Higher Self is your truest and brightest form. The “healer within,” the “universe within,” “inner god(dess),” the “all you are.” These are all names for the Higher Self. Communication with this Self just means deeply listening to that pure voice inside yourself. The Higher Self will always communicate what is in your best and highest interest, and you will know that very deeply, since it takes a lot of dedicated meditation and energy work to really get to know your Higher Self. Talking to your Higher Self is basically talking to the personification of your Life’s Purpose/Dharma. The Higher Self will perfectly align you to who you are meant to be and what you are meant to do. The Higher Self has no purpose traveling outside of your being, since it is you (and you can’t travel outside of your spirit) and, even if this was possible, there would be no purpose to it. The Higher Self is for your own personal guidance and alignment to the Source, not for communicating with other beings–your consciousness is for that (whether you mentally remember it or not). The Higher Self totally accepts who you are, where you are on your journey, and everyone in your life. The Higher Self is totally open to emotion and experience, understanding that sadness, grief, anger, fear, joy, love, completeness, and acceptance are all divine emotional experiences that can be experienced with total compassion. The Higher Self brings compassion into emotion: in a way, your Higher Self is your heart. Your deepest, most loving, most open, Self. 

I don’t understand how I can spiritually travel if I don’t have another self. How does this happen? 

Since the Higher Self is an internal part of one’s spirit, not the spirit that goes out subconsciously and interacts with people and beings and stuff, it is not the you that can travel. It is a part of yourself that you can be conscious of in all travels, but not the part of you that does the traveling. When you access your Higher Self, you do so through conscious intention, and you will always consciously feel the guidance (or at least the rise of an intuitive reaction!). This interaction will always align you with your dharma/life’s purpose, and will never do harm or close you off from pure compassion. It’s a common belief to think the Higher Self is one’s spirit outside of their physical consciousness, but this is a misunderstanding. It’s easy to see how this is a hard thing to figure out, though! Terms are really tricky, and it took me a long time to make sense of this concept. (And now I’m doing my best to explain and hopefully provide a bit of clarity). 

When you get to a certain point (like 3-6 years of spiritual work), you’ll usually start being conscious of what your spirit does in higher planes, but most people are subconsciously traveling higher planes, not mentally aware of what their spirit does (if you were completely aware, your mind would have to comprehend all memories from shards, all dimensions you’re in, etc etc). You can easily be in multiple planes at once, but reflecting these multiple existences into one consciousness (the human mind) is incredibly overwhelming. 

Sometimes, most commonly, people will experience their subconscious or higher plane travel through dreams or meditation. This is just you in a different plane, out of your body, like spiritually projecting. All spirits are multi-dimensional beings, and can travel with or without a body. The mind just rarely comprehends most, if any, travel outside of what the mind intends to do (conscious travel). Think of an analogy to dreaming–you always dream during a night’s sleep, but your mind doesn’t always remember your dream travels. They still happened, but all your dreams are sometimes too much for your mind to comprehend, or unneeded information, so the mind doesn’t hold onto it. We only witness, mentally, what we need to for our role in this body with this mind. Our whole spiritual experience can’t be comprehended through our mind, so our travels are often not “recorded” mentally for us (though they are recorded in our personal Akashic field). 

This traveling is still wholly us, though. The Higher Self never travels, since it’s the internal connection to the Source that is within us all. The more integrated and aware of this Intuitive or Higher Self, the more Source-aligned a person is. The more bright and unconditionally loving they are as a result. Spirits can do harm, like during subconscious or conscious traveling, but the Higher Self will never ever do harm. In beings that harm others, they are disconnected from the presence of their Source self, their Higher Self, not reacting as their Higher Self, which is what most people believe the Higher Self does–acts as a spiritual being. The Higher Self is really just an internal guide. 

During spiritual travel, we can (and always do) exist in multiple places at once (like when astrally or spiritually traveling, you’ll be aware of both your body and astral self; you’re multidimensional, yet still one self). Only someone who views you will interpret you as a separate self spiritually, astrally, physically, etc; despite you actually being all one conscious self, just viewed in different states. It is difficult to comprehend the idea of multidimensionality, since thinking of yourself as one being in many states is an odd (and not commonplace) concept. When your spirit acts without you knowing, you’re still conscious of it (and can return to the memories, know what you did if someone says you did something, etc), but you just can’t always remember it when it happens, since not all that information is comprehensible to the mind instantaneously. All the acts of our spirit are still accessible, we just have to intuit it consciously, to tell our minds to perceive something specific. 

I hope this all makes some sort of sense! I tried to make this as in-depth as possible, for such a philosophical and esoteric topic. 

I’m Not Gonna Say Goodbye (Part 2-final) (Lincoln Campbell/AOS x reader)

shelvesandwhelves said: Hey! I would like to request something, can I have: “I’m not going to say goodbye to you again.” with Lincoln from aos? The reader is either an agent, inhuman, or avenger.

“We have to do something.  If he found her then she’s in a lot of trouble, if she isn’t dead already.”

“Hey, Daisy, could we maybe skip the whole talk about death, please?  I’m not going to accept that,” Lincoln snapped, “I refuse to, so let’s try to keep our optimism alright?”

She hung her head slightly while gathering her gear to load into the jet, clearing her throat from the lump that was building in it at the thought of what you could be experiencing right now.  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, okay?  You’re right.  Knowing her, she probably has him begging for mercy.”

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To genuinely tune in to your Spirit and feel its guiding force, it’s important to make it a central part of your life—something you want to turn to automatically without pause or hesitation. One way to help you achieve this is by creating a personal altar in your home and sitting quietly in front of it every day for a few minutes (preferably during peaceful moments in the morning).

There is no right or wrong way to set up an altar—just follow your intuition. What you create should reflect your deepest, most genuine Self. An altar is meant to be a visual reminder for you to go within through prayer, meditation, contemplation, song, or intuitive listening. Set up your altar as a place where you can anchor your attention inward, detach from the outer world for a moment, and instead tune in to the subtle forces of love and guidance arising in your heart. Your altar serves as a place that helps center your awareness on your inner voice and the guiding flow of love and support flowing from Divine Source to your Higher Self and on to you.

An altar is far more than a beautiful “thing” to look at. It is an active doorway to your beautiful guiding Spirit in many profound ways. Sitting at your altar trains your conscious and subconscious mind to let go of familiar mental patterns (which have habitually controlled you) and tune you in to the subtler, more loving, au- thentic frequency of Spirit. When you sit in prayer or meditation in front of your altar, you’re teaching your mind to relax and surrender to the higher power of the Spirit within.

Altars also serve as energetic portals, or openings, to the realm of Spirit. When you enter the sacred energy surrounding an active altar, the veil between the worlds thins and the heavens open up. If you consistently hold the intention of connecting with your Spirit as you sit at your altar, you’ll be “spirited away” into a beautiful higher realm. At first, the shift may be so subtle that you hardly notice the changes through your senses, but with repeated visits, your perception of this heightened vibrational frequency will become stronger. And no matter what you may be thinking about when approaching your altar, your mind will quickly be- come calm, quiet, and clear as you settle before it; and your heart will open as your vibration shifts to one of pure loving-kindness.

With daily practice, you’ll actually feel yourself entering this sacred opening to the spirit realm the moment you approach your altar; it feels very similar to what you might experience when you approach an altar in a church, temple, or other holy place. If you haven’t felt this or don’t think you’re energetically sensitive enough to feel it, be patient. Sitting for a few minutes each day in the energy of your personal altar will heighten your awareness, and you’ll start to feel this higher vibration. Also, the more you sit in prayer or meditation before your personal altar, the more the energy itself builds.

The shift in vibration around your altar is strengthened by regular, intentional acts of meditation, prayer, song, chant, and contemplation. If there’s no holy inner work going on, the vibration of Spirit won’t be present and the portal won’t open. It will simply be something pretty to look at, but it won’t possess Divinelife force. Therefore, I encourage you to create your altar with holy intention, reverence, and enthusiasm.

Where to Place Your Altar

Making room in your home for an altar might not seem like the easiest thing to do, especially if you live in tight quarters, but with a little creativity, it’s not difficult. Ideally, you may want to set up your altar in a room that’s not used every day, such as a spare bedroom or dining room, or simply clear a small area in any room. A personal altar doesn’t require a lot of space—that’s not the point. It can be one square foot in size and still open up a tremendous portal if it was created by your heartfelt devotion, love, and intention to connect to your Spirit. I know one woman who shared a two-bedroom apartment with six people, so space was at a premium. She created a small altar on a Kleenex tissue, and no one touched it. If the Spirit is willing, the way is made easy.

My personal altar is in my bedroom. I set it up on a small table in front of the window, and it’s one of the first things I see every morning. I love it and always start my day there. It emotes a powerful healing force, enabling me to become grounded and centered on what is important. As I sit at my altar I feel God’s love surrounding me. My husband, Patrick, created his own altar in his office on a tall, slim stand. His altar is very different from mine and reflects who he is, which is exactly what it should do. So know that you can certainly have more than one altar in your home. Each family member can set up his or her own unique space—and I believe that everyone should! It’s an easy and meaningful way to create a private, sacred portal between you and your Divine Spirit.

What to Place on Your Altar

What you put on your altar is of great importance, as each item must speak directly to a significant part of your inner being and Spirit. Choose whatever energetically resonates with you and touches your heart. For a lot of people, this may mean including a picture of a spiritual figure, such as Mother Mary, Jesus, an Ascended Master Teacher, the Buddha, Krishna, Vishnu, Kali, or the Dalai Lama. Select images or things that really move you in some inner way—those that you feel hold meaning for you at this time. From time to time you may want to change what is on your altar— replacing old items with new ones as your outward life and inner landscape change. The key to creating a powerful altar is feeling. So in addition to using images of holy or inspirational figures, also include photos of the people you love, such as your family, friends, and even your pets.

You may also feel inspired to place images and totems from nature, such as seashells, stones, animal bones, or feathers on your altar, as these may carry meaning for your Spirit. You might be drawn to placing beautiful living things on your altar, such as fresh-cut flowers, fresh herbs and spices, or a bowl of clean water that’s changed daily to symbolize the holy waters of our loving Mother-Father God, the Source of All Life. Your options are limit- less. Be creative, use your imagination, tune in to your intuition, and know that anything goes, as long as it holds meaning for you.

Another way to enhance your altar and make it an ever more powerful one is by adding some natural crystals, especially quartz. Often dismissed by energetically insensitive people as “silly New Age trinkets,” crystals are, in fact, extremely powerful living energy tools that can cut negative cords, remove unhealthy energetic attachments, clear energy fields, and amplify your personal intentions. They’re essential in many fields today, including technology and medicine; valued for their power and precision; and work with subtle realms of energy in profound ways as well.

Other wonderful objects to place on your altar are bird feathers, which also seem to somehow suddenly find their way to you once you decide to procure one. Feathers are universal symbols of Spirit and represent the Divine Self in flight. All living things, particularly birds, sense when you’re in the process of transforma- tion or elevating your personal vibration as you return to personal power and will show support by offering up their feathers. So pay attention as you move through the day, and don’t be surprised if a feather finds you.

Bells, chimes, and rattles are other powerful tools to place on your altar, as they serve to call out to the Divine for guidance and support. Sacred hand drums are also potent tools for connecting with your Spirit and can be placed near your altar for use in connecting with your guiding light. Using these items actually calls your powerful Spirit forward, which is why they’ve been incorporated into almost all spiritual ceremonies throughout the ages.

All We Need

Fandom: Marvel Avengers

Word count: 2137

Characters: Pietro x reader, Wanda and Nat (mentioned)

Warnings: violent deaths of parents, pregnancy, danger on a mission, nightmares

Summary: You develop a relationship with Pietro when you join the Avengers after your parents’ deaths.

The first time Pietro saw what you could do, you were standing by the lake in the grounds of the Avengers’ training facility. It was a few days after you first arrived there- a few days after HYDRA killed your parents.

They’d done their best to help you hide what you could do, but it meant nothing in the end. HYDRA came and tried to recruit you. You refused- you’d seen enough of what HYDRA had done to know that you wanted no part of it. SHIELD swept in just in time to save you. But they were too late for your parents. HYDRA had bound your hands, so that you could do nothing to help them, and shot them in front of you when you refused to go with them.

The Avengers had been kind to you, giving you a room to stay in and the offer of a place on their team. They understood what it felt like to be so utterly alone in the world, but everything that happened was a little overwhelming. A lot overwhelming. Their reassurances and gentle gestures were sweet, but every time you caught a glance lingering to long or walked in on a conversation which was cut off it served as a sharp reminder. They didn’t help with the real problem, either.

Whenever you tried to sleep, the gunshots that had killed your parents seemed to ring in your ears again. Either that, or you kept hearing your mother’s last scream as she watched your father die. It made any rest impossible. So, in the early hours of the morning, you escaped to the lake.

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anonymous asked:

Hi! I'm very new to the world of witchcraft and I've recently been working on meditation and trying to astral project myself and even just open my "third eye" so I can begin to sense spirits more but it drains me so much! Is there a recommend way to recover or keep this from happening? I don't think I put up enough protection or something around myself when I decided to open myself up more. I just don't want to always feel drained of energy after even just sensing a spirit in the room thank you!

Hi, and welcome to the community! 

I can’t even begin to stress how important grounding and shields are. You will more than likely feel so much better after practicing with those two specific things. 

Shielding comes naturally to me, I sent mine up very strongly as a child. I would suggest figuring out which element(s) you connect with the most, and then visualizing them protecting you against energy drainage and anything else that you feel you need to be protected from, and then that element solidifying. 

As for grounding, I learned two ways. The first of which came from my high school drama teacher. I’m like 95% sure she’s a witch too (collects stones, loves candles, taught the class how to ground, visualizing passing energy around to each other, the list goes on) 

Anyways, she taught me how to ground originally. Stand (if you are able. If you’re not able to stand, sit or lay on the ground) and imagine beautiful golden ribbons extending from the earth into you (either your feet, butt or back depending on whether you’re standing, sitting or laying)and moving through your body. Lift your hands up as far as you can, and if you’re standing, stand on your tippy toes. Imagine the ribbons flowing through you, out of your hands and up so high that you can’t see them anymore. 

The other method I learned through (when I started to practice) was from a blog that has basically disappeared. No idea what happened to them. I came to them for help on practice. Find a source of energy and imagine a glowing, pulsating flow of pure energy from that source flowing into you. I usually either use the moon, or the earth. 

As that energy flows into you, keep in mind that your astral body is much like a balloon. every astral body has a sort of “happy level” of energy that they maintain. As your astral body fills with energy it will expand like a balloon. Once its full, start to imagine it flowing back out of you and dissipating. This is great practice for grounding and energy work. 

tl;dr: practice grounding and put up some shields. It works wonders. 

I really hope this very long answer helps a little bit!!


warning: depersonalisation disorder triggers.

Oh god. Not now. You pleaded with your tear ducts but they ignored you and continued filling your eyes with the salty liquid threatening to spill over and down your cheeks. You tried burying your face in Dan’s side while you composed yourself. Luckily for you, he didn’t react other than using his free hand to rub your knee under the duvet affectionately while he continued working. It was a typical night in Dan’s apartment, you were both in his bed, your shared playlist of slow songs played quietly from the speaker on the nightstand, he was on his laptop working away at something and you had just closed your book and were snuggling into him and preparing for sleep. Except tonight, your brain had other ideas, or more specifically, the little ill part had decided it was time to conquer the rest of it again. You had felt yourself slipping for over a week and now here you were. Back in the same place you were months ago. This time, you had a psychologist and Dan on your side, and you had prayed to God it was enough. But the prayers had been futile. And tonight the little thing controlling your head had decided it was time to make some decisions.
You could cling to Dan as much as you wanted, but nothing was going to take the numbness away. Not this time. Not ever. It didn’t matter how much he supported and comforted you, even his love couldn’t fix the disease in your mind. Today was the worst it had been for a while, so much so that even Dan’s hands felt wrong to you. His perfect face was hazy and slightly out of focus, as was the rest of your world. But nobody, not even Dan, noticed the transition into this episode. Because nobody ever did, and that was the thing with depersonalisation disorder; your responses and interactions became automated and felt pre-programmed, so much so that no behavioural change could be detected by an outsider. The overwhelming mental, physical and emotional apathy and lethargy was obvious only to you. You were emotionless and you didn’t care about anything anymore. Not even Dan.
How could you be with someone you loved if you couldn’t bring yourself to care about their feelings and needs? Your relationship with Dan was built on honesty and mutualism in all aspects - but how could you honestly say that you didn’t care about him right now and expect him to be fine with that? You couldn’t be with him right now. You needed to control your head first. Maybe you should take a break. But a break would only lead to breaking - up, hearts, promises, trust. The thing about Dan was that he would do everything he could to fix you but what hurt was that there was nothing he could do without making it worse. And that’s why you were here, trying your very best not to cry into his pyjama shirt. At the worst moment possible, Dan closed his laptop and placed it on the floor before rolling over to face you and kiss your forehead.
“Goodnight kitten. I love you,” he murmured, smiling against your skin.
You absolutely lost it.
“Y/n, what’s wrong?”
He sat up and looked at you concernedly, tucking your hair behind your ear with a frown. You covered your face with your hands and shrugged, totally unable to make any sound other than shuddering sobs. Dan had experienced this reaction from you before, and went into panicked parent mode, proceeding with the routine questions to which you nodded or shook your head in answer.
“Are you in physical pain?”
“Is there something I can do or get for you right now? Do you need something urgently?”
Debatable, but for the sake of the argument, no. Dan began relaxing, his panic subsiding upon realising that it wasn’t an emergency. He squeezed your hand gently.
“Is it something I’ve done?”
No. God no.
“Is it your head?”
Yes. The sobs began to rise.
“Oh, kitten. Shhh, come here,” he helped you sit up and pulled you into his arms, cradling you and kissing your forehead.
“I’m here. I’m listening, even to your silence, I’m here,” he whispered between tender kisses while he traced soothing circles on your arm.
Eventually you began to form words.
“I just don’t know what to do.”
“Is Nigel back?”
Nigel was the code name for your DPD that you shared only with Dan. Nigel was the little man sitting at the back of your brain playing around with the controls because he had no friends or life or anything better to do, so he dropped in occasionally. He was never welcome.
You simply nodded.
“Fucking Nigel” Dan muttered, attempting to get you to smile. It usually worked, but today nothing was helping.
“Dan, I-” you began and stopped.
“Yes?” He prompted patiently.
“I don’t know if I can stay.”
“Y/n of course you don’t have to stay here. I can take you home right now if that’s what you want-”
“No. I mean I don’t know if I can stay with you.”
You might as well have slapped him across the face. You watched him, sent reeling into shock by your words, struggling to string a sentence together.
“I- what?”
He looked at you in pure disbelief.
“I’m so sorry. I just- my head is a mess and I don’t care enough about you right now for us to be together. It’s a one-sided relationship. You’re so loving and supportive and caring and I- I just can’t reciprocate, Dan, I’m sorry. I’m being so selfish, by hurting you like this but more so by holding on. I literally cannot return the affection. Not right now.”
“I- y/n, what are you saying?”
You took a deep shaky breath.
“I’m saying that I think we should take a break. And I know a break is going to break more things than can be fixed later on but this- this won’t work. Not with this headspace. I’m sorry. I love you so much, I truly do. I don’t want to lose you, Dan. But I really think this is for the best. Until I can fix my head.”
Dan was cupping your cheeks, holding your head steady, his eyes desperately searching for something in yours, something that told him you weren’t serious. He didn’t find anything, and you could see the telltale glistening of tears coat his irises before he closed his eyes and lowered his forehead to yours.
Finally he spoke. It was choked, but impressively steady.
“If a break is really what you need, a break is what we’ll have. I’m not trying to change your mind, but please, tell me why you think this is a good idea.”
“Because I can’t give you what you need, Dan. I’m bad for you, I’m negativity, I’m toxic energy you don’t deserve. You need love too, and right now I can’t give that to you.” He pulled back and smiled. Slightly hysterical, but it was a smile.
“Y/n. God, you’re so pure. You want to take a break for my wellbeing?”
You nodded and he chuckled.
“I’m fine, don’t worry about me. Yes, everyone needs love, but I don’t want it from anyone else. I know you think you can’t fulfil your part in this relationship right now but you can, by just existing. Where you are right now isn’t who you are. As long as I can be there for you, that’s all that I need. To know that you’re ok. What good would it do if we separated if there’s still love here? No. I’ll wait for you to get better. I’ll do whatever I can to fix this.” He tucked that strand of hair behind your ear again and gently tilted your chin up to look at him.
“I don’t know how long you’ll be waiting. And that’s a lot to ask of you-”
“It doesn’t matter. I don’t love you any less. It’s only how you feel that matters. You’re all I need. I’ll be there. I promise.”
You nodded, and removed his hands from your cheeks before hugging him tight.
“I really love you” you whispered.
“I really love you too.” He stroked your hair and kissed your temple while you broke down for the second time that night. Only this time, it was because you couldn’t fathom what you had done to deserve him.