what would i give if i could live without constantly weeping

“Cry Followup”, or “See A Doctor! The Musical”

I got sad. A doctor recommended that I go off my anxiety meds because they might be interfering with a bunch of other health issues. I did. It wasn’t good.

I tapered off for months and dealt with the withdrawal symptoms. When they were gone, I felt ok for a few weeks. Then I was easily irritated and sometimes angry. Then weird feelings started to creep in. I guess it was just dread. Maybe it was weird to just be feeling anything after being numbed on meds for so long. I started crying watching movies sometimes or thinking about whatever the fuck. I started getting really sad. Eventually I would cry everyday, sometimes for multiple sessions. It’s strange to think back on that now that I’m safely numbed to fuck again.

My grandfather had died about 8 months earlier and I thought I had emotionally exhausted that, but now it was back and I dwelt on it constantly. I thought of dying with an urgency that I couldn’t distract myself from. I thought of everyone I knew dying. It felt like time was an illusion and it wouldn’t be long until I’m standing beside their open coffins, reflecting on how quickly time had passed and now they’re gone and I’d wasted time not spending more time with them.

Most days I’d just wake up and lie there for hours. I’d try to look at things on my phone to try to distract myself. Snapchat was fun for that. Christ, so was Miitomo. I wouldn’t get any work done. It was difficult to focus and overcome the feeling in my gut of being pulled down and the constant present terror feelings of death and knowing this whole experience will be gone some day, but before that, I’ll watch everyone I know leave too. For a long time, I don’t think I really connected that it was my absence of meds that was doing this to me. I thought maybe it was just circumstances and some kind of Holmes-Rahe scale thing where a bunch of life events happening at once were stacking and compounding my depression feelings. There was no way to win against it and this kind of thing encourages you to not to the things that will typically pull you out of a depression. It makes you want to seclude yourself more and work on further diminishing your self-worth mentally. Instead of seeing friends or doing activities you enjoy, you convince yourself that you’re a burden to them, they don’t really want to see you anyway, and that something bad is going to happen if you go out and do anything. For so many fucking days I just laid there. That makes your depression even worse; your lack of productivity frustrates you and makes you hate yourself. All that wasted time boils your living asshole. It’s a paralysis and you don’t know why you can’t break out of it. You can’t just go into the other room and sit at your computer and do your work. Brains are incredible. Just a bit of absence from a certain chemical changes everything. Of course, you tell yourself things like this, that it’s not really you and that it’s just a biological ineptitude temporarily and that everything will be fine soon enough, but that doesn’t help at all.

That’s the other thing: you don’t feel like this will ever end. This is who you are now. A fucking shrivelled terrified cryhole. I did feel terror quite a few times during all this. It usually gets you when you wake up or try to go to sleep. Everything is still and You are going to fucking die someday, sooner than you think and You have wasted every moment of your life so far blast in your mind and your heart pounds, you can barely breathe, and you might even suddenly groan as panic waves hit your brain in an instant. There’s a terror in knowing there’s no relief from this; that all of these things are true and for some reason you believed the illusion your whole life and weren’t always in the perfect terror about it that you are now. Still, you beg for that trick to come back, to be able to put this mindset away and believe in the stupid shit we tell ourselves just to keep existing in some kind of calm. All these thoughts keep assaulting you with some kind of biological urgency, like you need to figure this problem out immediately or you die. This is what being on chemicals to help your brain for years and then suddenly going off them is like. Your body doesn’t know what the fuck. It’s weird to not give a shit about any of this and then suddenly imperatively have to give a shit about it and be unable to escape it. Even now when I’m in the clear, I still feel its background noise. Maybe I always will from now on. This whole thing has been a Paul on the road to Damascus type ordeal.

I fucking cried watching the new X-Files episodes, my dude. Probably during each one. That’s what it was fucking like. Imagine being in your late ass twenties and something in the X-Files makes you cry because you think of a squandered opportunity, or what you should or shouldn’t have done as a kid, or wishing you had put more effort into certain relationships with family or friends. It just finds anything to grab onto and get you with. You just have a dragging feeling constantly present and looking for things to attach to and convince you you’re sad about. Frankly, it’s fucking annoying. I cried one time because a nintendo phone app was enthusiastic about sharing my character’s picture with others. Just the fact that someone would have an interest in who I am and treat me like a normal person and want to share something about me with other terrible avatars made me cry as I was playing this thing and trying to take a shit. It made me think about my own self-worth and how long I thought there was no reason anyone should give a fuck. Cripe, one time I was almost screaming crying about my best friend who died when we were 11. It was like a fresh wound again and I was lying facedown on my bed wailing like an asshole. Depression can fuck with you.

So, this got pretty bad and I decided I had to see my GP about it. This can become a battle in itself, because past a certain point, you are convinced you aren’t worth the effort and that you’re a burden to have to deal with, and someone else could use that time to see the doctor instead. It gives you any reason to turn yourself down. I cried right away talking to my doctor. All this is really weird to reflect on; I was an entirely different person then. It was like a frantic sadness, an inability to just hold your shit together for even a few minutes. The impending terror was really pressing; a constant urgent anxiety that something bad is going to happen really soon, or that I’m about to get a call that someone I know just died. The doctor recommended seeing a therapist and going back on meds. Now I remember that the reason I finally did something was because my neighbour’s son killed himself. Fuck, that really bothered me. Hearing about any death at all was bad enough, but I think that week I was reading about Edgar Allan Poe’s death and then Vincent Van Gogh’s, and I just got really fixated on vividly imagining their final moments. I think there were others, too. See? Just a stupid thing to waste your time on but in the moment, you think this will help for some reason. Maybe the gravity of that kind of thing hooks you and you can’t help but look into it. So when my neighbour’s son also committed suicide, that was a pretty strong blow. I hadn’t even talked to the guy in over ten years, but I couldn’t help but fixate on having seen his father maybe 3 days prior as he joked in my mom’s backyard and borrowed a ladder. Now his life was ruined and the son he struggled to try to get mental help his whole life had killed himself. He was only 37 and he had a son. I think I spent a few days of weeping out my stupid ass over this, then made the decision to see my doctor.

I started seeing my therapist and cried within 6 minutes of entering his office. I wish I went to see a talk doctor when I was recommended it as a teenager. It’s good shit. Beyond that, I started seeing my friends again. Before this, I think 2 years had passed between us spending time together. I had talked myself into feeling like they were better off without me anyway and had their own real friends and lives that I didn’t have anything to do with. I started to exercise and even just take walks around the block. Sometimes, if I was just lying awake staring at the ceiling, I’d get up and go for a run. I started being able to work on videos again and looked forward to it. Thinking back on it now, I realize I kept streaming during the whole time. That would become the only thing I’d do or look forward to for most of this stretch. SO THANKS IF YOU LOOKED AT MY TERRIBLE STREAMS DURING THIS ERA I WAS QUITE WOUNDED AND I’M HOPEFUL THAT I WASN’T TREMENDOUSLY OBVIOUS ABOUT THIS, YOU HELPED KEEP ME STABLE WATCHING ME PLAY WITH CHILDREN’S TOYS. Beyond this, I’d just sleep until the afternoon and try to find a way to kill time until the streams started. This is why there were even less videos than usual. I was sad.

So, these things helped pull me out of the shit. A lot of it is self-examination and discovering why you feel this way in the first place. I’ve talked to my therapist about whether or not this whole thing was because of being on meds for so long and then going off them and feeling a withdrawal, or if that’s who I am underneath the medication.  He said that it is probably both, but more that that’s who I am. Fuck. He categorized this as a major depressive episode. It was weird to just hear the words. That is the kind of thing that happens to people in their mid-30s in office jobs who are getting shit on by everything in their lives. I guess it can also make you feel like a diva asshole; that you feel you’re so important that you had to have this major crisis about yourself. Writing this makes me realize how stupid it is to think like this, but that’s the kind of trap you get put into. Anyway, let me emphasize how important it is to see a therapist if you are depressed. Do it. It can change everything. Also talk to a doctor and see if meds are part of your solution. See a doctor. Do not just let it go. This is like if you had cancer and you just wanted to wait it out or hoped it would get better on its own. A lot of people let it go until it’s overwhelming and consumes them completely and just kill themselves to end the pain. Don’t!

I got better. I went on meds and in just a few weeks I made a drastic improvement. Plus the therapy, and plus feeling like I was doing anything with my life again. I hear a lot about hesitation to go on meds because you feel like they may change the foundation of who you ever are. This doesn’t happen. For me, it made me feel more free to be who I felt like I really was. That said, it may numb your emotions if you are a person who typically feels a lot of things. Just talk to a doctor about any concerns you have and don’t let these build up and become reasons you don’t get help for yourself. You are worth it. The doctor isn’t angry to have to deal with you. If it will cost what you can’t afford, don’t let that become an excuse not to do it. Save up or find a way to make it work. Again, it’s like if you couldn’t afford cancer treatments so you just let it kill you instead of finding out how you can make the situation work financially. What you’re dealing with is serious! Do something about it!

I almost forgot to mention that a lot of getting better was having something to look forward to. Knowing I’d see my friends and we’d have a good time was part of it. Another was spending all of my fucking money to go to as many conventions as I could. They were something I enjoyed in the past but didn’t bother with much anymore, so I decided to get back into them. It was the best choice. Thanks for coming to drink a lot of beers and talk shit if I saw you at a PAX or TwitchCon or Magfest! They were sincerely some of the best times of my life. Knowing that it wouldn’t be long until I’d be at another convention helped a lot with otherwise feeling complete dread. The power of giving yourself something great to look forward to is really strong! Do it! Find things you like and make time for them. Reward yourself! At one point, I got into a really unbalanced lifestyle and would spend maybe 60 or 70 hours a week editing videos and I burned myself out to shit. All I would think about was the job and let my health and relationships go to shit. You’re not supposed to do that. Give yourself good things and make it a habit. Anyway, PAX East soon, my man.

When I wrote my last crypost, a lot of people responded it it. I was in a daze for the rest of that day as I heard from a mountain of individuals. A lot of you deal with issues like this and a lot of you feel hopeless about it. It’s fucked up! This is your life! You’re entitled to a good one! Doing something about it will take a lot less than you may think, and will help you in a lot more ways and probably faster than you may think. A lot of you also said since that you’ve decided to finally get help. So yeah motherfucker I had a cool cry about your messages several times. What was also helpful was anonymous tumblr questions saying they got help so others could see your experiences and know I’m not just yelling out my dick about this. Thanks! You helped people!

Ok I think I have to cut this short now, it got late and I try not to stay awake until fucking 7 AM these days. I feel like I missed a few of the main points I wanted to make but by now I think you get the point that you can feel like you are going to face total annihilation within the next few moments and still get back to normal in very little time. I almost just wrote “Hopefully talking about my own cringe-ass experience helped you with…” and so forth to end this on a light-hearted self-shitting, but that again is part of the problem. Feeling as if your issues are embarrassing, not worthy, juvenile, or to be written off as not serious is no good. I know we joke about this kind of thing to help deal with it, but don’t feel that way for real. AGAIN, YOU’RE WORTH IT. YOU’RE GOOD! YOU’RE WORTH DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO FEEL NOT FUCKED UP! GO! 


Go!

anonymous asked:

i got some angst here for y'all... ok so everyone lives but the chocobros' s/o doesn't... a few years after the ending they see someone who looks exactly, to a t, like their passed s/o but isn't and maybe in a happy and stable relationship with someone else (maybe they have a family or something)? (bonus if the s/o's body was never recovered so the bros might think there's a chance their s/o could still be alive)

Oh man, why do you guys do this to me? You’re all so freaking clever with these prompts that my tragic-loving self eats right up.

Okay, anon, remember that you asked for this sadness— so the angst queen delivered. Giving these series of drabbles a title like my “The Day Insomnia Saw the Dawn” because it’s gunna be epic.

Note: [I’ll be uploading each guy in parts (and linking them together) as I finish them, but right now I only have Noctis done— in which everyone but him has died and the s/o somehow traded her life for his]

Read at your own risk. Ow.

{1,603 words}


                           A World in Which You Don’t Exist

Part 1

Noctis

“I’ve… I’ve never been good at these things. Moving on.”

It was cold. Eos had experienced its first snowfall in ten years. Noctis shuffled his feet as he stood beneath the willow tree that marked your grave. It was just on the outskirts of Duscae, near the lake that the catoblepai frequented. You had loved it here. It was your favorite place to visit during your travels, always begging Ignis to stop the car when you drove near, if only for a moment to appreciate its beauty.

“I can’t help but think that you… that you would know what to do, how to make this easier—“ Noctis’ voice failed him as he pursed his lips and tried desperately to swallow his grief. He shoved his hand into his coat pocket, procuring a ratted carbuncle doll. The one he had given to you as children. The one you had held on to after all these years.

“I brought you something. I found it at Hammerhead after…” he crouched down beneath the willow’s weeping leaves. They stirred around him, icy with snow crystals. He bowed his head as he carefully laid the torn doll upon the frozen ground. He ran an idle hand along the granite that was used as your headstone for a body that was never found.

“You left it behind,” he croaked as the tears finally fell. “You left it behind— all alone.”

Keep reading

part 1 of: i love this fandom and you guys make me emotional

Everyone is being so sweet and adorable and emotional today and I just felt like I should add my valentine’s sugar to it too. 

I got this blog almost two years ago, not coincidentally when I moved to Texas with just my boyfriend, from Florida from where I had spent my entire life in. I was very alone and since I’m not the coolest of cats, making friends has been…extremely difficult lol.

But getting this blog, and joining this fandom, I’ve really found myself looking forward to come home and see who’s posting on the dash, see who’s chosen to grace me with their follow, or who’s left me a tumblr message (remember, before the IM system haha).

@sinuyasha and @inukag were the first people to welcome me and reblog my writing and just became my overall points of contact for anything fandom related. I felt accepted and wanted and this was the only corner of the entire internet I could really call home. I can’t thank them enough for always being genuine and kind and beautifully forgiving ladies. On top of the fact they’re funny and gorgeous so I really lucked out befriending them. I owe my entire blog to them, and my activity, and my heart.

Later on I’d come to meet my squad, @kristicles @thequeenwillruletheboard @narkik @mirsan and @ohstarfire, and grow an overwhelmingly wonderful bond. I mean dudes, we went to Disney AND Universal Studios together. I’m pretty much married to them. (Which does mean you guys have to give me half your shit in case of divorce). I’m keeping it short for ya’ll cause I don’t care about you at all (I would set fire to myself if you thought for one second that was true). You are my people. You are my shots of whiskey in the dark. 

To the fandom:

I really would have never expected to feel love radiating from some of you towards me. I feel in my heart I don’t even deserve it. I have done nothing (or everything wrong). And you guys posting your fics and your art, and your edits, and all you’re LOVE and you’re FRIENDSHIP, it holds no value because it is PRICELESS. But I feel it towards all of you. I get it. It’s weird it’s unheard of maybe for a small anime fandom, but I FEEL IT. I love you guys. I would never want a single one of you to leave, or if you do have to leave, just please stay in touch. Please keep updating your fanfiction.nets, please keep updating your artwork online when finished, I just…

If you’ve been in this fandom for the past year, you get it. And it almost feels like we’ve all collectively been through some drama here and there together. I’ve made mistakes, I regret getting involved in things all the time, but I appreciate every single one of you who hasn’t deleted me from their life. I appreciate how I can still turn around and count on you guys to be there for me. And I will always be there for you. I love that after a giant cloud of darkness shrouded us, freaking @inuyashapositivity pops up like a ray of sunshine. We are an amazing incredible wonderful fandom and we are loud and vibrant and beautiful. 

@onikik, @little-known-artist @wreathoflaurels, @arnavsinghraizada, @gobodosama, @artistefish @meselfandwhy, @inuijiness @starzki@scribefigaro @smilebomber @kaze-ranna @412rebelled @hanmajoerin @ashcanvas (SHHHH…ASHLEY I DIDN’T JUST ADD YOU THIS MORNING BECAUSE I HAD A BRAIN FART LAST NIGHT…ILY) you guys have seen me at my worst and for some inexpiable reason you’re still my friends and I respect and admire you so so much. I really can’t put into words properly, but my respect for you is something that can and will never vanish. I consider you guys a huge reason why I enjoy the Inuyasha fandom as much as I do. I’m comfortable around you guys and I hope you feel the same way around me. I love you guys, and I would do anything for you. I’d end someone’s life for you. I’d jump into battle for you. I’d throw all my money at your face if I knew it would make you happy. Thank you for being my friends. Really. You are my inner-circle, and without you, I am just a square. 


I’ve met some new people in the past year, who maybe I don’t talk to but I feel like I’ve gotten to know more simply through the small interactions we have, and whom I’m so so so happy joined tumblr to grace us with their content, their presence, and their overall humor and love and joy. 

@grapefruitwannabe, I remember I was in a stream with you and someone was urging you to post your sketches and you were reluctant about it, and god now look at you. Your art is incredible. It’s unique, it has a style, it has movement. You give a tremendous amount to the fandom and you never ask for anything in return. You are so nice too? You know how rare it is to find kind people who are just the sweetest creatures ever? You are a precious cupcake too good for this earth, and we so blessed to have you. 

@sess-kik I knew from the moment you made the taylor swift/kanye west meme, that I regretted not being considered one of your friends. You are fucking oustanding. You are hilarious. You make my ribs hurt. You are like a baby beyonce. I mean that. Picture yourself as beyonce’s’ child because that’s how I view you. 

@justafewsmallsteps you know what’s crazy is that I followed and admired you from afar for so so so long. I am a huge fan. I mean. HUGE. I mean, ridiculously huge. I mean I may have printed out your art and have it stored in my cabinet so I can look at sometimes because I was that (maybe i still am idk) obsessed with your work, and to find out you are a shining ball of sunlight and positivity and love and friendliness. You know…what that feels like ? It’s like meeting a Disney Princess in real life. 

@coquinespike HAHA LOOK SOMEONE TAGGED YOU AGAIN. I’M SORRY. Listen I actually always see you in my notes. I always read your tags cause they’re fucking hilarious. Your comments on things are A+. I don’t know why I didn’t start following you sooner. I am an idiot, what else is new. Cheers to the future.

@keichanz what took you so long to join tumblr, i keep asking myself this question. EVERYONE KNOWS THE KEIZ FROM FF.NET. You are always supporting InuKag and the fandom and there’s a lot of bloggers that I know would not be the same without your presence. I see names all the time that were just quiet little daisies, and you watered those plants and now look at them. You’ve inspired so many people, and you are always just so generous and so loving. Thank you for writing, thank you for participating in events, thank you for being the oil in the inukag gears. Quite literally. 

@lovely-taijiya GABY. DID YOU KNOW THAT I THINK ABOUT YOU ALMOST EVERY DAY. Okay well. Now you do. I get so happy when I see your art on my dash. I get full of butterflies and good feelings. If you were around I would hug you constantly and hold you close to my heart, because you deserve unnerving amounts of love. 

@kag-san you are a gift granted to us by the gods. you are an angel. you are a walking living breathing version of the virgin mary and I would weep at your feet if i could because I think you deserve everything in life and more. Trust me when I say the people who ship things, make me ship things harder. And this candle for KagSan is now a torch and it’s setting my house on fire but I couldn’t be happier. 

@piggy-in-pink you are like Sesshomaru. And by that I mean you are silent and we may cross paths and look at each other and I would be totally fine with you killing me because I admire you just that much. But no honestly, you are wise and clever and I love your work and your existence a lot. Thanks for never changing your url also, it makes life so much easier. (TAKE NOTES PEOPLE)

@mmhinman I remember the first time I went to your blog. You submitted a bunch of wonderful art for InuKag week late, and it blew my mind. I couldn’t believe someone would submit SO LATE but also have it be SO QUALITY. Haha. Your art brings me life, and I can’t thank my lucky stars enough that fate pushed you my way and onto my dash. Thank you thank you thank you. 

@macabre-and-cheese you know that really cool girl in the lunch room who sits with her posse, and is immensely more awesome than you and dates all the attractive people, and knows all the cool songs and she could say “frosty” once and it becomes a meme catchphrase, okay yeah, you know that person? that’s you. on my dash. that’s you. I’m always like “if i reblog this onto my personal, my personal blog gets that much cooler” and I think I have 80 followers on my personal blog now and I owe that all to your and your coolness i swear to god I do. 

@kago-make-dean-some-pie YOUR URL IS SO LONG. EXPLAIN IT TO ME. I love that I’ve gotten to know you better and your AMVs are the bomb dot com. You are so willing to make others feel amazing and wonderful and I hope you feel that way every single day of your life. You are so down to earth and I love you very much.

Keep reading

Scars

[Prompt: One of the girls has a mastectomy, and the other disputes the fears of their lover that they are no longer beautiful due to the scars, emotional and physical. Hurt/comfort kinda prompt. — I’m writing this because I think these stories are the most important stories that can be told and I hope you’ll join me in promoting body positivity.]

It started with a raised brow.

You pulled off her leather accoutrements and laid her down on a bed with too many throw cushions to count trapped beneath your bodies. You worshipped the pale skin over her jutting hips ardently with the hot wetness of your mouth, and with antsy hands that were always longing for your dearest weirdo and never satisfied with their bounty — you claim the valley that draws down into Carmilla’s gut with tender kisses. You earned a gasp, a singular drawn out breath, your palms scaled the peaks on her chest and that was when you felt it.

Keep reading

High Score | Jin, M

Originally posted by sughyun

You didn’t mean to tease him, but you were sure glad you did.

Rated: M for smut and language

Word Count: 2,693 words of pure smutty Jin


           You don’t exactly know how it happened, but you found yourself not really caring.

           You had gone over to the boys’ dorm thinking you were there to beat Jungkook’s highest number of kills in Call of Duty, so you dressed comfortably. This time of year it was getting hot, so you opted to wear a pair of cotton shorts and a tank-top, since you rode your bike to the building. Once inside, the boys greeted you happily. However, your boyfriend of two years just blinked in surprise before his eyes darkened.

           It was no secret to everyone you weren’t his ideal type. He wanted the classic Korean woman-a good cook, liked to clean, dressed in pretty clothing like skirts, and kept your honorifics about you. You, on the other hand, were a different story. In school, you were constantly petitioning to be allowed to wear pants, you only cooked if Jin really wanted you to, and you when your dish washer broke you almost hauled your dirty dishes over to your mom’s house so you wouldn’t have to hand wash them.

           You surmised he was upset with your less than conservative outfit, so you shrugged it off. You had had this talk with him before - as long as you weren’t showing anything unnecessary, you would wear what you wanted when you wanted. If Jin wanted to get picky with what you wore, you would have no problem fighting with him.

           Two hours in you had beaten Jungkook’s high score, but he had turned around and raised it by twelve kills in the next round. By this point, Namjoon had already meandered off to bed, Suga had left to work on his mixtape, and Hoseok looked like he was ready to fall asleep. Taehyung was anxiously waiting for his turn against Jungkook, while Jimin watched his friends play in amusement. Jin had stopped paying attention some time ago, his gaze on his phone, reading through some article.

           “Yes! You suddenly exclaimed, jumping from the couch and pumping your hands up in the air in victory. Jungkook stared at the TV sullenly, you having beaten him in the round, though you didn’t beat his high score. It didn’t matter - any kind of win against the overly-competitive Jungkook was one you would take happily.

           Your mood dampened considerably when Jin suddenly got up, leaving the room without a word. After a few seconds, you heard a door close, and you frowned.

           “Um…” You murmured to yourself, turning to the confused boys. You handed the controller to Taehyung, pressing your lips together. “I’m going to see what’s wrong with him.”

           Jimin uttered a “fighting!” as you left the living room and ventured to the door to his room. You knocked hesitantly, knowing he was the only one inside. When he didn’t respond, you sighed and pushed the door open, walking inside. You pulled it closed behind you, frowning when you saw him lying on the bed. His eyes were closed, his hands folded over his stomach. You laid next to him, placing a hand on top of his.

           “Oppa?” You questioned hesitantly, and blinked in surprise when you got elicited a groan from his lips.

           “Are you doing this on purpose?” He asked, opening his eyes to look down at you. Not knowing what he was talking about, you shook your head no.

           A sigh is all you received from him. For a few seconds, it was quiet, you waiting for him to explain what he meant. Just as you were getting ready to prod him further, he suddenly turned and swung his leg over your waist, pushing himself up so he was hovering over you. His brown eyes bore into your own intensely, and you found yourself turning sheepish under his gaze.

           “Y/N-ah” He cooed, his voice light and airy. It caused your stomach to clench in anticipation. “I bet you didn’t even notice your shirt slipping up and your pants riding so low on your hips I could see the lacy underwear you were wearing.”

           Your face initially heated up in embarrassment, until you couldn’t deny that the blush persisted because of how hot his words were. One hand held himself up while the other went to stroke down your bare thigh. “You’re lucky the younger boys weren’t paying attention, or else I would be really upset.”

           “Why are you upset now?” You questioned, your voice undeniably breathy. You weren’t used to Jin being so forward.

           “I’m upset because I don’t like to be teased.” He responded, before he dipped his head to press his lips to your own. He kissed you with bruising force, his lips soft and plump but pressing roughly against your own. His tongue snuck out to swipe against your bottom lip, and your lips parted without further hesitation. Unlike the rest of the gentle make-out sessions the two of you engaged in, Jin was demanding and he didn’t bother battling you for dominance, he just took it. His tongue explored every centimeter it could reach, and you found your hands gripping onto his t-shirt to try to prepare yourself for this new side of your boyfriend.

           His lips continued to assault yours as his hand gripped your thigh, bringing it up to wrap around his waist. His hips thrust down, and a strangled moan found its way through your throat and into his awaiting mouth as you felt his erection grind against your core. He smirked against your lips as he pulled away to drag his wet mouth down your jaw and then the column of your throat. You tipped your head back to give him more room, your mouth parted in gratification as he continued to thrust against your core. The lacy material of your underwear rubbing against your weeping center was doing nothing but egg on your mounting pleasure.

           “Jin.” You whined as he pulled back, your hand following him. He stripped himself of his shirt, and yours hand instantly smoothed over his toned chest. His consistent days at the gym worked off wonderfully and you sat up so you could pepper kisses across his collarbone. He grabbed the bottom of your tank-top and dragged it up, so you hand to sit back and raise your hands so he could discard the fabric. You laid back down and he followed you, attaching his lips back to your own as one hand smoothed over your stomach.

           “Since the moment you walked through that door wearing those little shorts I wanted to rip them from you.” Jin groaned when detached his lips from your own. His hips went back to rolling against your own, and you dragged your bottom lip between your teeth to stop from making noises. Jin leaned up as he rolled his hips, his hands coming to play with the waistband of the shorts. Jin was never dirty when he spoke to you, usually his words were cute and gentle as he coaxed you towards an orgasm. Your outfit must have really set him off this time.

           “Then take them off.” You murmured, not trusting your voice to stay even if you talked any louder. Jin’s hips paused before he was pulling away, dragging the shorts down your hips and thighs and calves before he flung them behind him. He dropped down so he could kiss your stomach, his hands holding himself up as he smothered kisses up your body. Once he reached the fabric of your bra, he looked up from his position to meet your gaze. Through your half-lidded gaze you could tell his eyes were intense, nothing like the soft and tender look you usually received when he was getting you ready for him. Your stomach clenched in anticipation for his next actions.

           One hand snaked behind your back, so you arched it to help him. He unclasped your bra with little difficulty, before he dragged the straps down your arms and leaned up so he could kiss one of your shoulders. He dragged his lips down as he dragged the straps down. Finally, he pulled it all the way off, and the cooler air caused your nipples to make themselves known. He leaned down to kiss the skin between your breasts as one hand came up to gather a breast in his hand. He squeezed gently, and your back arched again. His rubbed his nose against the other, avoiding both of your nipples.

           As you were getting ready to whine he finally sucked a nipple into his mouth. A strangled moan came from you, your eyes closing as his tongue swirled around the erect bud, sending tingles of pleasure down to your core, your arousal starting to coat your underwear. One of your hands went to his hair, running through the soft brown locks as he continued to suck on your breast, his hand engulfing the other and massaging it in in time with his sucking.

           “You’re lucky the boys didn’t see you.” Jin spoke again as his mouth left your breast, placing light kisses across the skin. “If you did I would have had to punish you.”

           “You’ve never punished me before.” You whimper out, attempting to challenge him. He leans back a little to support himself as his other hand abandons the mattress to grasp the breast where his mouth just was. Your eyes threaten to close, but you’re too invested in seeing the obvious pleasure spelled out across Jin’s expression as he continues his ministrations. He had his plump bottom lip in between his teeth, his pupils blown wide with arousal and want.

           “Maybe another time.” He amends, abandoning your breasts completely as he sits up fully, straddling your thighs. “For now, I want to just taste you.”

           If his words weren’t enough to help get you off, his next actions would be. He abandons his mount on you so he can drag the panties down your thighs, and you both can see you’ve soaked a spot through the pink lacy material. Jin didn’t comment on it, however, and instead propped your legs up and spread them, nestling between your thighs. He pressed kisses up and down the skin, getting so close to your core before he would turn around and kiss towards your knee.

           “Please, Jin.” You groan, fisting some of his hair in your hand after he repeated his actions a few times. Jin nibbled at the skin of your thigh as you felt your stomach clench in need.

           “Please what?” He murmured against your skin, his other hand gliding up and down the opposite leg. He was completely hard at this point, throbbing against his leg in the confines of his boxers, but his focus was entirely on you.

           You turned uncharacteristically shy. Jin wasn’t one to make you beg; in fact, he would be the one asking to have the opportunity to please you. You weren’t dominate and Jin wasn’t submissive, but neither of you could deny one of his favorite things to do in bed was eat you out, and you weren’t going to complain either. He was absolutely amazing at it, and you knew you would beg for it if you had to.

           “I want you to…” Your words faded away as he started to blow cool air against your core. You started to whine in protest of his teasing, but his hard gaze on you caused the whine to get stuck in your throat. You tried again as he stopped blowing. “I need you to taste me, Jinnie.”

           Jin hummed in content, leaning forward to lick a long stripe from your leaking center to your clit. You moaned wantonly, thinking you were finally getting what you wanted. Jin had other plans, and nothing followed his lick.

           “Jin, damn it.” You groaned, your head dropping back onto the pillows. “Fucking eat me out already-” You were prepared to go back to begging, but your whining dissolved into moans as he dived in. He started lapping at your center, occasionally dipping between your lips and into the source of your arousal. Your core was clenching around nothing already, and you felt your pleasure continue to grow as Jin continued his actions.

           “Is this what you wanted jagi?” He came up for air only long enough to pose the question, before his lips sucked your clit into his mouth. You groaned, fisting more hair into your hand as your legs tried to close. Jin held them open easily, his tongue lathering your clit with his saliva as he continued to suck. Your eyes closed, feeling your orgasm approach quickly. Just as you were about to reach it, Jin pulled back again. Your eyes flew open, ready to bitch in protest, but your juices smeared around his mouth stopped you as he smirked.

           “Do you think I could slide in without you needing my fingers, jagiya?” Jin practically purred. He got off the bed to push his shorts and his boxers down at once, stepping out of them as his cock stood at attention. He was leaking pre-cum already, the tip of him tip was smeared in it. He climbed back onto the bed, nestling between your thighs as he leaned down to press a surprisingly chaste kiss against your forehead. “I don’t think you need it. I bet you’re wet enough it wouldn’t cause you anything but pleasure.”

           Before you could respond, his hips humped forward, dragging his dick between your lips and up to graze against your clit. You whined softly, your core once again clenching around nothing as he teased you.

           “Please, please, please.” You chanted to him, one hand gripping his shoulder while the other dragged your nails down his back lightly. “Please just fuck me, Jin. Oppa, I need you.”

           That seemed to be what he wanted to hear, because within the next few seconds he had filled you to the brim. He was right, you were slick enough that he slid in without resistance, your walls immediately clenching around him. Jin’s forehead dropped to press against your own, his eyes closed.

           “God, you feel so good.” He breathed out. “Always so tight and warm for me.”

           His pulled out before he snapped his hips forward, immediately setting a fast pace. Each time he thrust into you your breasts jiggled with the force, and soon he was only supporting himself with one arm as his hand came up to fondle one. He continued to thrust into you at a break-neck pace. At this rate, you knew you would be coming soon, and with how he was already twitching inside of you you knew he wouldn’t be too far behind.

           Your moans were high pitched, and Jin let out little groans with you when he hit a particularly satisfying spot. He never failed to satisfy you, even with his normal love-making.

           “Jin oppa.” You cried out, your stomach starting to clench. “I’m gonna come.”

           Jin pressed kisses across your jaw, his thrusts starting to become erratic. “Then come, baby.”

           His permission coupled with his spastic thrusts made your core clench one more time before you were tumbling over the edge. You were sure your cries of ecstasy woke up Namjoon, but at this point you couldn’t care. Jin followed you closely, riding out both of your highs. He pulled out when he started to soften, and when he did you leaked out the sinful mix of both of your juices. Jin dropped down beside you, gathering you in his arms.

           His aftercare was always thorough. He pet your hair with one hand while the other rubbed your hip. He smoothed his lips across your sweaty forehead, murmuring praises of how well you took him and how happy you had made him. You smiled in satisfaction, glad you could sate his needs.

           “I think I should tease you more often.” You found yourself muttering after a few minutes of the two of you settling down and gaining back your breath. Jin chuckled softly into your ear.

           “If you do,” he murmured, his hand smoothing down you back until he was grasping your ass, “we’ll have to come up with an appropriate punishment.”


I have no idea where this came from I just know Jin is cute as fuck and I still am sub-par when writing smut.

Time Stood Still, Part 4: Defender of the Dispossessed

Series so far here

“Now Théoden son of Thengel, will you hearken to me?’ said Gandalf. “Do you ask for help?” He lifted his staff and pointed to a high window. There the darkness seemed to clear, and through the opening could be seen, high and far, a patch of shining sky. “Not all is dark. Take courage, Lord of the Mark; for better help you will not find. No counsel have I to give to those that despair. Yet counsel I could give, and words I could speak to you. Will you hear them? They are not for all ears. I bid you come out before your doors and look abroad. Too long have you sat in shadows and trusted to twisted tales and crooked promptings.”

So there are dreams that are spooky and sad and expose those parts of yourself and your past you would prefer not to think about, and there are dreams that are wistful and nostalgic and unearth those parts of yourself and your past you only wish you could marinate in forever…

…and then there are dreams that leave you with a roar on your lips and a fire in your heart, and you go through your day with a skip in your step, because amidst all the subconscious slurry, you stumbled upon your innermost core. You discovered who you are. It was just a dream, of course; Wyman Manderly never intended to execute you after all. But that doesn’t mean what you learned about yourself is invalid. This is the chapter where every facet of Davos Seaworth shines through: politician and father, lord and smuggler, the fingerless Hand. “He is here,” to borrow from Varys.

Davos’ external struggle in this chapter is inextricably wrapped up in that inner journey, and therein lies his victory: the more perfect union of his lord-self and smuggler-self, because the former’s argument in the Merman’s Court wouldn’t be possible without the latter. Davos III is the Arena of the Self, a crucible. Two Davoses enter, one Davos leaves. 

Keep reading

anxious | jungkook!teacher AU

A/N: credit to:  Xoe Arabella is it bad, that i relate to this? But seriously she is the best and her poetry is just so beautiful and meaningful, it brings tears to my eyes. also hopefully this makes up for pt 2 of fake because idk how to continue it so..

Description: Anxiety and depression. Just what you need. It’s worse in college. It’s even worse when no one understands.

Warnings: Mentions of depression and anxiety. (I’m not making fun of these disorders in any way shape or form.)

Pairing: Y/N x Jungkook

Words: 854 this was super short kms

Keep reading

Still Into You (Part 2)

Character: Woozi x OC
Genre: Angst/Fluff
Number of words: 1601 words
Summary: Each time he keeps her waiting, until the darkest times of the night. Each time she waits, until she falls into a deep slumber, even with the knowledge of what Woozi really is doing. Even so, she waits, because she’s still into Woozi..
Requested by 2 anons!

Part 1

Keep reading