what was my mind when i was younger

sseablossom  asked:

I love your blog :) Hope you don't mind me asking but what are your thoughts on veganism?

I don’t really have much of an opinion on veganism. If that’s how someone chooses to live, that’s fine. As long as they’re not acting all judgey & “holier than thou” when I’m eating my In N Out burger, I don’t care lol. 

That being said, I was a vegan for about five years when I was younger, in my early twenties.. Not because I was against eating animals, but just because I thought that was how to “be healthy” at the time. And because I was reading all these books at the time that just made it seem like, “veganism is the answer to all the worlds problems”.

 But that was years ago, before I started really researching ancestral foods for my tribes. Being vegan did not work for me, personally. It did not make me feel my healthiest or like my best self. I was really skinny and almost malnourished looking when I was vegan. Even though I was working out at the time too, it was hard for me to really gain any muscle, etc etc. Plus, the more I researched vegan food products and saw all the fillers and crap they put in them, I just got really turned off. 

I have friends that are vegans, and I do know like two Natives that are vegans, but most of my vegan friends are Non-Native. (Mainly, white people.) And that’s not me saying, “NO NATIVES ARE VEGAN.” I just personally don’t know that many Natives that are.. just two. 

Now though, I do stick to a traditional decolonized food diet, which is mostly plant based. So I am still eating a lot of fruits and vegetables mainly still, but not solely fruits and veggies. When I do eat meat and animal products, it’s mostly eggs, bison, turkey, fish, venison, and occasionally elk when I can find it.

I don’t eat dairy products (like milk or cheese) or anything that’s really overly processed. So no wheat products etc. I don’t eat pork. And I don’t really eat beef except for once in a blue moon when I go to In N Out burger, like I joked about above. But honestly, I probably only go to In N Out about once a year, because I’m just not that big on beef or fast food. 

I think ultimately people just have to do what ever works best for them and their genetics. Natives today have diabetes and weight issues and cancers and all these issues that we never had before colonization, because we’ve grown accustomed to these commodity foods and these colonized settler-foods that are not good for our bodies genetics. So more and more tribes are realizing the value of establishing community gardens and are trying to find ways to get back to our ancestral diets. But it’s also hard to get back to those old ways when there is push back from organizations of Vegans or Animal Lovers or laws that prohibit Natives from Hunting or Fishing in areas where it used to be natural for us to do so.

And don’t get it twisted, Natives Love Animals. I love animals. We have nothing but the up-most respect for them. When we hunt them, we use EVERY PIECE of that animal. Nothing goes to waste. We don’t mount their heads on walls and stuff them. We never hunt for more than we actually need. I know many Natives that, when they hunt animals, they still do it in the old traditional ways, where they pray for that animal and thank it for providing food to our people. And its all part of a really beautiful, loving, prayerful, meaningful ceremony. And not everyone will understand it. And that’s okay, Non-Natives were never meant to understand it because it isn’t part of their culture, it’s part of ours.

But I think people should eat in a way that makes their bodies healthy and not judge anyone else who is eating differently because our genetic-makeup is different depending on where in the world our people originated. 

“When I was younger, I’d always leave the house dressed like a man, but then I’d change my clothes. My mother told me the devil was in me. My father said that I was useless. They even took me to the doctor to find out what was going on. But my grandfather always supported me. He was more open-minded than my parents. I think it’s because he worked at a 24 hour restaurant and met all the people who came out at night. Even when I was a child, he’d see the clothes I wore, and he’d tell me: ‘If you were a girl, you’d be very beautiful.’ When I finally told him everything I was feeling, he said: ‘You’re a great person, and I’ll never be afraid of what’s going on with you.’”

(Buenos Aires, Argentina)

Hamilton Things

- Historically and in the play, Philip died at the age of 19. He lived through 19 songs in the play (Dear Theodosia through Stay Alive [Reprise])

- In his duel with George Eacker, Philip is shot on the count of seven, which is coincidentally the number he changed the melody on during his piano lessons

- “Mom, I’m so sorry for forgetting what you taught me” - perhaps this is a reference to his piano lessons when he was younger. Eliza taught him to count. Philip believes he miscounted, he believes that it was his fault he was shot on what he thought was the count of seven.

- Hamilton died at the age of 47. Including the Laurens Interlude, there are 47 songs in the musical.

- The ensemble member who plays Philip Schuyler, who gives Hamilton his blessing to marry Eliza, also plays James Reynolds, who blackmails Hamilton for sleeping with his wife, Maria.

- The “I know my sister like I know my own mind” line is sung twice by Angelica, once in Satisfied and once in The Reynolds Pamphlet, both with very seperate connotations.

- Hamilton is the first to introduce more intricate, polysyllabic raps (My Shot) as opposed to the simple beats used by Laurens, Mulligan, and Lafayette, showing his intellectual ability and innovation.

- “Fools who run their mouths off wind up dead” is directly followed by Laurens introducing himself.

- Jefferson sings in a jazzy tune because he is quite literally a generation older, in both his ideals and age.

- Lafayette’s increasing grasp on the English language is shown when comparing his verses in Aaron Burr, Sir and Guns and Ships.

- Angelica is the first to sing “look around, look around, at how lucky we are to be alive right now”, which Eliza continues to use throughout her life.

- Angelica raps at Hamilton’s speed because she is his intellectual equal. Eliza beatboxes because she supports him.

- “When my prayers to God were met with indifference, I picked up a pen, I wrote my own deliverence”/ “I take the children to church on Sunday, I sign of the cross at the door, and I pray. That never used to happen before”. Philip’s death drove Hamilton to religion, giving him something to rely on other than his words for the first time.

- Eliza doesn’t rap because she is quite literally given the most time, she lives to be 97.

- Not only did Eliza establish the orphanage, she also helped to establish the first school in Washington Heights. Lin could have included the words “in Washington Heights” as a reference to his other musical, but decided against it.

On The Edge With You (Spencer Reid x Reader)

My first Reid smut! Just an idea that popped in my head. PWP. Spencer Reid x Reader smut. The reader wonders just how Spencer gained his stamina in the bedroom, he shows her just how he gained that skill.


“Spencer, can I ask you something kind of,” You hesitated, “Personal?” You were both on his couch, you lying down with your feet in his lap. It was one of his rare weekends without a case or paperwork. You both opted for a quiet night in after going out to lunch.

“Sure?” He said looking up from his book, a little concerned. “We’ve been together for months Y/N, I hope you know you can ask me anything.”

“How do you last so long in bed?” You blurted out, trying to ignore the heat rising in your cheeks. You didn’t mean for it to sound so accusing. It was a valid question though, just the night before you came three times before Spencer even seemed close to finishing. It got you curious, and even a little worried.

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3

Izuku: I had a vision… There were eight or nine people, I’m not sure exactly how many… But when it felt like my mind was filled with fog from the brainwashing, the vision appeared as if to drive away the fog. There was someone with eyes like you too, All Might. Was it the people who had inherited One For All who did it?
All Might: Scary… What the heck? No, I also saw it before in my younger days. It’s a clear sign that you’ve got a better grasp on One For All.

Eighteen {KJM} (M)

Part 1 | Part 2
The Letter

Description: You’re an eighteen year old bartender and Junmyeon comes in with Baekhyun one day. He hits on you, then feels bad because you’re eighteen, then realizes he just doesn’t care. He likes you.

Genre: Fluff / Smut / Angst

Word Count: 10,384

Warning: Smut

Pairing: Kim Junmyeon (Suho) x Reader (feat. Baekhyun)

Author: Admin Xiufairy ㅅㅇㅅ

Originally posted by dazzlingkai

At eighteen, you were perfectly content working at a bar. You just served everybody who came up to you, it was that easy. It was fun for you, but if you had a penny for every time a much older man hit on you, you’d be rich enough to leave the country.

They all backed down when you told them that you were only eighteen thankfully, but you’d begun to wonder exactly why that changed people’s minds. It wasn’t as busy as usual that night, at least at the bar. The floor was always crazy and loaded with people.

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Female Chinese Adoptee in the US

Hi, I’m a female Chinese adoptee who spent more time with a foster mother than in the orphanage. I was adopted before I was half a year old by a white American single mother, and later raised by two white American parents once she married. I have a younger sister who is also adopted from China, but we aren’t blood related at all (yes people do ask me if we are). I grew up in a largely white portion of the south and went to religious schools with largely white populations (My mom did not adopt me from some misguided Christian white supremacist stance of saving me). I’m currently getting a degree in theater and film, so well thought out representation and minority stories are very important to me. Every adoption story is different, and as far as I can find, you only have the one POC profile on Chinese adoption and I wanted to give my point of view for variation.

I want to preface this by saying that my adoption has had a big impact on my life, but it is not my identity, and the impact it’s had isn’t something that I was consciously thinking about as it happened. It’s mainly as I’ve gotten older and looked back that I’ve realized how it has impacted certain aspects of my life. Growing up, my adoption isn’t something that was always on my mind, and it’s only through trying to better understand myself and who I identify as that I’ve come to analyze it more. Also sorry this is super long, I just wanted to be thorough.

Beauty Standards

Again, not something I consciously thought about when I was younger. Contrary to the popular stereotypes and fixations about Asian eyes, the shape of my eyes wasn’t something I thought about. What I was self-conscious about when I was a kid was how “flat” my face was, especially my nose. I felt like I didn’t have any definition, and because I didn’t grow up seeing many other Asian people or POC for that matter, I didn’t understand that different races had different facial structures. I just internally accepted that the caucasian facial structure was how people were supposed to look. I’ve since accepted the way I look, and while I don’t think I’m the hottest chick out there, I like the way I look.

Culture

When I was young, my mother enrolled me in Mandarin Classes and Chinese Culture classes/camps designed for Chinese adoptees to help me connect to my native culture and to surround me with other people like me. At one point I was even enrolled in a Chinese Fan Dance class if I remember correctly. I’m sure I had fun with some of them, just as I’m sure my attention span was short when I was a kid and that I got bored quickly. I didn’t have a problem with them at the time, but looking back I do remember feeling mildly annoyed with going to the events specifically for adopted kids because if felt like people just assumed we’d be friends because off of us shared the adoptee experience. I get that same feeling of annoyance when people to this day tell me “Oh, so and so is adopted from China too! You’d like her,” because I personally resent the idea that people assume my adoption is my identity and that alone is enough for me to connect with someone.

Identify Issues

I have always identified as a Chinese-American. My parents were always very honest with me about my adoption for as long as I can remember, so I was always somewhat aware that I was different. That being said, growing up surrounded by white people meant that the people I identified with where white, and there was a time in middle school where a teacher mentioned something about me being different in regards to my race (we were talking about casting for the school play). For a good 5 minutes I was confused about what she meant until I remembered that I was Chinese and not white like everyone else. That’s a moment that’s stuck with me throughout my life and I’ve always been a little ashamed of forgetting myself.

Recently I was asked if I identify as an immigrant, and I didn’t know how to answer. Technically I am one. At one point I had a green card and my mother had to fill out paperwork to make me a US citizen, so I don’t feel like I wasn’t an immigrant, but I also don’t identify with the typical image of immigrants. My story of finding my place in America isn’t the typical story of POC immigrants so I don’t necessarily feel solidarity with them. 

Within Asian Americans’, there’s been a stereotype about them being too Asian, but not Asian enough which is something I’ve also struggled with on both sides. In high school when I mispronounced pho, I was accused of being a “bad Asian” by a white friend, but when I was talking diversity politics with a teacher, my point of view was dismissed because she knew I was adopted so I was “basically white anyway.” While I do try to defer to the point of view of Asian immigrants and descendants of immigrants when it comes to certain topics and experiences, I also think it’s important for people to understand that when I interact with the majority of people, I am treated as an Asian woman. I live life as an Asian woman, not a white woman. Alternatively, because I grew up in such a white area, I admit that I grew up with a lot of internalized racism and have found myself judging mixed race Asians for the same thing from time to time though I am actively trying to unlearn that habit.

Honestly, as I get older and try to understand who I am more, the more confused I get over my identity. It’s still something I’m working to understand.

Language

Outside of the Mandarin classes I went to briefly as a kid, I also took 3 semesters of Mandarin in college to fulfill my language requirement. I did actively choose to take Mandarin because I thought it was important for me to learn, not because of my culture, but because as an aspiring Chinese American actress, many breakdowns for roles require a knowledge of fluent Mandarin. I am not fluent. I fulfilled my requirement and haven’t pursued it any further as of yet. I might try again in the future.

Daily Struggles

Since turning roughly 18, whenever I go places with my parents, we’re typically asked if we want to split the check, but if my younger sister is with us, no one asks. I don’t know if it qualifies as a struggle, but it’s something I’ve noticed that biological parents and children don’t go through as much. I’ve also come to explain that I’m adopted when I’m talking about my childhood or my past. I do it partially to give context to whatever story I’m about to tell or for whatever I’m explaining. Ex: I’ve had to explain my background during a workshop when I wrote a paper on representation in media for Asian Americans because the people reading the paper didn’t know I was Asian American simply from the context of the personal experiences I presented in the paper and were guessing my race off of my white sounding name. I’ve also had to explain my background when another Asian American commented repeatedly that I “sound so white.” I’m also very open about the fact that I’m adopted if people ask because it’s not something I’m ashamed of, and I want to normalize the idea of adoption.

When I was only a couple years old there was a girl who made fun of me for being adopted. It’s one of my mom’s favorite stories, because rather than letting the girl get to me, I said something snarky in return, but I’m assuming that’s why I try to normalize the idea of adoption, because being adopted doesn’t make me any less of a person than someone who is still with their biological parents.

I also witnessed a lot of the Asian eye jokes, but curiously enough they were never directed at me. I guess that says something about the kind of environment I lived in, because when I said something to a boy drawing an “Asian smiley face” he looked stunned and was surprised that I was Asian. I guess this instance doesn’t have as much to do with adoption but is more of a comment on the stereotype about how Asians are supposed to look distorting the fact that we actually look like regular human beings and not caricatures.

Dating and Relationships and Home/Family Life/Friendships

I’m putting these two in the same category because my abandonment issues have had a similar impact on them. As a kid, I always hated leaving when we were visiting my out of state grandmother or whenever my mom would go on a work trip. I would cry and fuss, and even as an adult, I hate saying goodbye for a long period of time. Intellectually, I know I’ll see these people again, but emotionally I worry about what if? I also get really scared and start tearing up if my parents are late coming to pick me up from the airport when I come to visit. I worry about being left alone. And I want to emphasize that this isn’t a conscious, “Oh, I’m adopted, I’m worried I’m going to be abandoned again” type thing. So much of these feelings are internalized and subconscious. It’s just that fear of never seeing someone you care about again, and even though I’m a logical person who knows that they’re just late, I can’t override that fear.

I have never had a romantic relationship and I have a few close friends, but I’m not the life of the party. I’ve always been careful about forming connections with people and have even actively resisted it when I was younger and was going to camps or doing something where I’d only see these people for a small amount of time. I had the mentality of “It’s not worth it because I’ll never see them again,” and that’s another thing I’m trying to overcome, because I still don’t like making connections if I know they’re not going to last. For similar reasons, I’m also very bad at vocalizing my affections and feelings towards people. I’ve never liked letting people close, and there was a time when I was a teen where I even distanced myself from my family, and that’s a bridge I’m still trying to repair to this day.

My family has always been understanding of the fact that I’m dealing with a lot when it comes to understanding my adoption and my identity, but there are also some things that they don’t understand and it can be hard to talk to them about things like my cultural identity and growing up around tons of micro-aggressions that they’ve never had to deal with. 

Misconceptions

The idea of who my real parents are. The idea of one set of parents being more valid than the other just seems fucked up to me, especially when it’s been posed to me as “So if they tell you to do something, do you ever just say, ‘No, you’re not my real parents, you can’t tell me what to do.’” My adopted parents are still my parents. I also think of my biological parents as my parents. I have never hated or resented my biological parents for giving me up nor have I ever used my adoptee status as an excuse to act out towards my adopted parents. While I do know about the One Child Policy, I don’t know the specific circumstances surrounding why I was given up for adoption. I don’t see the point in being angry about it without knowing the whole story, and I’ve come to terms with the fact that I may never know the whole story.

I also don’t feel particularly grateful towards my adopted parents or like I owe them anything for adopting me. Don’t get me wrong, I still love them, but I’m not actively trying to repay them for adopting me. I don’t owe them my life, they’re just my family.

Self-Esteem

I had a lot of self-esteem issues growing up, and they still persist today. They aren’t something I linked back to my abandonment issues until I sat down and talked to a therapist. I’ve always been a perfectionist to the point where I was never happy with anything I did, unless it was perfect. I literally never felt good enough. Part of the reason I distanced myself from my family is because I didn’t want to be a bother. Intellectually I knew I wasn’t going to be abandoned again, but I still felt like I had to be as good as I could possibly be to make sure. This is another one of those things that was never consciously thought about, it’s just how things were. I didn’t feel like I or whatever issues I was having was worth the trouble of bothering people, especially my parents, so I just didn’t, and had a habit of keeping a lot of things bottled up inside without telling anyone*. It’s another thing I’m also currently working to better my perception of myself.

*Just because I was trying to be a good kid and didn’t vocalize affection much does not act as an excuse for writing a submissive, emotionally stunted stereotype of a Chinese Adoptee. I am also snarky and sarcastic and opinionated and outgoing with my friends.

Things I’d like to see less of

Stop using adoptees in the abortion argument in general, especially if you don’t understand the adoption process or the issues adoptees face. Stop asking me to choose who my real parents are. It also bothers me the way people romanticize adoption, even if it’s people in various fandoms goofing around. People who adopt are not saints. Fandoms who make light of adoption and squee about wanting to adopt a character or wanting one character to adopt another makes light of a whole situation. Adoption is a great thing. It’s great for kids without families to get a family, but it’s also a painful thing for the kid, because a kid needing to be adopted means that they’ve also lost a family at a young age. Please be sensitive of that. Don’t romanticize adoption. People trying to empathize with those internalized feelings of abandonment and mistrust when they don’t have the same or similar experiences. Other people are allowed to feel those things, but please understand that the degree of what we feel is immense. From a personal perspective, when people try to do that, it feels like they’re making light of what I feel.

Things I’d like to see more of

Just normalizing the idea of adoption and understanding the good and the bad. Adoption stories in media that don’t hinge on the angsty, rebellious adoptee being angry at their adoptive parents. Stories that give adoptees identities outside of their being adopted. Understand that all adoptees are not the same. We all have different experiences based on race, religion, the region we’ve been adopted into, the kind of parents we have. There are so many variables that make up who we are.

Jimin asks you to be his fake girlfriend pt.2

[pt.1] [pt.2] [pt.3END]

Originally posted by chimcheroo

After he had picked me up from my home, we drove to our favourite cafe and took our favourite spot near the back of the building. He told me I looked pretty today, something he would always tell me, but today it felt different. As if he poured his heart and soul into telling me those four words. I excused myself to use the restroom shortly after arriving and as I returned I noticed from afar, the way he smiled staring at his phone. Did I want to go through with this plan of his, just to hear the words he said he was going to tell me today? They say curiosity kills the cat, and here I am standing here waiting to pretend to be my best friend’s fake girlfriend. I didn’t mind so much, on the pure fact that Jimin’s ex wasn’t the nicest - but still he fell for her over and over again and gave her one too many chances, only to have her break his heart all over again. But this time, at least he’s taking the initiative and taking control of the situation this time and not letting her back in to ruin his life. 

But what was it, what was so intriguing about the way he dodged my question to get me to agree and act as if I wanted to kiss him willingly? Don’t get me wrong, Jimin has always been an amazing guy; he’s my best friend and there had been multiple occasions where I’ve wanted to grab his cheeks and kiss him, and when we were younger we had kissed before, but as time passed and the whole ordeal with his ex girlfriend, those feelings seem to have faded. Every time I told him that she was no good, he would cry and tell me that she made a mistake again, and that he feels bad because she’s crying over him. So he would take her back. What made him change his mind this time? Not that it’s not a good thing of course, but there must be a strong desire from him to make him not care about that crying bitch. 

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Soulmate AU: You Can See Color Once You Meet Your Soulmate II

@kurtwxgners I’m gonna do something Frank in the future for you but until then, Soft Boy Trio ™ Member Jonathan!


You had been blessed with artistic abilities, specifically when it came to drawing and painting. Starting in your youth, when you could hold a pencil or crayon just right enough to make a coherent image, people had praised you on your skills. And, when you got old enough, you began to pat yourself on the back as well: The shadows were placed just right, you knew your way about light reflection for the most part, and even your least realistic pieces had some charm to them that you couldn’t help but find yourself impressed by.

Now all you needed was for your soulmate to come along, give you the ability to see color, and you’d be all set.

You didn’t want your friends and family to take it the wrong way – you wanted to meet your soulmate for more than just the fact that their presence in your life would open up a whole new level of sight for you. The idea that life would supposedly become livelier by meeting the one you were destined to be with just tickled the romantic inside you, and you couldn’t wait to experience something only one person could give you. 

However, you also needed to take it from a practical standpoint: You, as an artist, craved to see exactly what you were creating. Selfish as it may be, it also seemed reasonable that it wouldn’t do just to match shades of gray with shades of gray and hope you’d selected the right color or not see what some teachers, parents, and even a few scattered classmates were seeing. You weren’t trying to be dramatic when you insisted that there was a certain emptiness in being the creator and not being able to see exactly what everyone else saw in your work. 

You just wanted to see it, too.

And if that dang soulmate of yours would hurry up already, you’d be able to see it together. Share a first that meant so much to you both on a loving level and a level regarding your pride as a creative mind.

But alas, when your family moved to the small town of Hawkins, Indiana, you felt that hope plummet. By the end of the week, everyone knew of you. You’d been hoping to mirror such knowledge but alas, that would be stretching it. Even though Hawkins was the picturesque small town spoken of in romance novels and lists in magazines, there was no way you could know and meet everyone.

“Just take it one step at a time,” your mother offered when she saw you pouting in your chair at the dinner table. When she didn’t see a lift in your demeanor, she likened it another way: “You can’t rush good art, right? Paint by numbers and you’ll get the image you want eventually.” You huffed quietly in your seat and slumped even lower. You appreciated her attempt to help but at this point, the pessimism was beginning to loom over you like the grey clouds that loomed over Hawkins on any given day.

“But painting by numbers is so boring!” you whined. You dipped your head back dramatically. “And basic!” you added.

At this point, your father saw fit to offer his own insight. “Yeah, it’s basic, but, hey, good things need to start off little first. You didn’t just get good at art, remember? I mean, yeah, you were ‘destined’ to be great at it, but it still took some time. Likewise,” he took your mothers hand into his, “love takes time – even with a soulmate involved. So you have to paint it bit by bit, starting with the patience it’s gonna take for you to meet them. Alright?”

Your response was another quiet exhale, though you did prod thoughtfully at the food you’d left mostly untouched on your plate.

Nearly two weeks later, you were still mulling over those words: “Paint by numbers, great things take time.” It had become a mantra, not only for waiting but for anything you did, including artwork. You’d since joined your school’s art club, made a couple of friends. You hadn’t quite established yourself in Hawkins just yet, but these distractions were just enough for you to bide your time with.

Unfortunately, distractions do not always come with a guarantee of never again experiencing artist’s block: That was always going to happen, no matter what. And considering how quiet the town was compared to your previous home, it was happening a lot more often than it had ever before. It was frustrating! Once you saw some places the first two times, you’d need some time to pass before it felt new and refreshing to go there again – there was so little to draw inspiration from, you felt.

It therefore had become commonplace for you to approach the art club’s instructor and ask for some time by yourself to gather your thoughts and stroke your usually decent imagination.

You hadn’t meant to wander far this time. But that temptation to balance along the nearby train tracks was all too strong. Most temptations are when you’re unable to occupy your mind with better habits.

You never thought about how silly you might’ve looked, clumsily waving your arms and bending at awkward angles at sudden intervals. You only stared down at your feet as you place one in front of the other on the makeshift beam.

One step at a time, paint by numbers

If you rush, it won’t go according to plan

One foot –

One step

In front of the other –

–by number

Patience –

Great things takes time

And eventually

Click

You sputtered as your foot slipped off the rail, your body flopping sporadically. You were more of a painter, but you definitely knew that sound. It was the sound that would always accompany school art shows, the sound you’d always hear after your parents demanded that you stand next to a work you’d had hung up and smile awkward for: A camera.

As soon as you could regain your composure, you whipped your head around. Even in the quick motion, your eyes were able to train themselves on the then blurry figure that was standing yards away from you. What they weren’t able to do, however, were properly adjust as a sudden world of color violently engulfed your vision.

Your mouth, unfortunately, was already too full of accusations to be stopped in time.

“Hey, what’re youdowugh –”

That was all you managed to say and slur before your vision, once again, became engulfed in color. However, it was the color black, a color you already knew, and it swallowed up everything.


You could hear the old cot beneath you creak as you moved. If that wasn’t enough to wake you up, the scratchy, old blanket on top of you definitely was. A lowly groan escaped your lips as you came to, rubbing your eyes free of whatever dragged you under. Before the fuzzies had cleared, however, you could hear the school nurse chirping from nearby.

“Glad you’ve joined us here, darlin’!”

You grunted in response before resting your hands on your blanketed legs. It was only when you groggily blinked that your vision confirmed a silent thought that you had woken up wondering.

“There’s …” you breathed. You were unable to finish that sentence. Luckily, the nurse seemed to already know what you were talking about.

“Color? You fainted due to overstimulation. Don’t feel bad about it, though, honey: lots of people experience this when they finally meet their soulmate. Especially younger folks. I couldn’t tell you how many students have come through my office after fainting from spotting their loved one – ”

At this point, you’d tuned out. Actually, you’d tuned out when she said that word: Soulmate. Despite it being a thought that had haunted your mind for what felt like eons, it all just seemed foreign to you. Almost unnatural.

“ – in fact, he should be back in a moment; he just walked out for a moment.”

“Wait, what?” you blurted out without thinking. The nurse, however, continued to be unfazed.

“Still a bit foggy in the head, are we? Your soulmate: he just stepped out for a sec and should be right back here in a jiffy. I suppose he needed some air; I can’t blame him: The poor dear looked so worried when he came in here, holding you like a princess. Couldn’t tell you how he managed to speak so fast when he was explaining what happened.” She smiled. “He was really worried about you, hun.”

As if on cue, a knock sounded at the door, followed by the clicking of it being opened. You noted that the knock was very soft. Almost as though the person doing it were afraid of hurting the inanimate slab of wood. But other than that, you weren’t able to bring yourself to actually look at the person entering to learn anything else of them. Your head, your heart, your soul were all screaming in unison: It’s him, it’s him!

When you didn’t look up, instead compelling your eyes to remain focused on your fingers, plucking at the scratchy blanket, the trio tried other methods of enforcing their demands: Your heart threw itself against your ribcage, your mind whirled so badly that you swore you could feel your brain dancing, and your soul seemed to be blitzing inside of you into every nook and cranny. It was all too much, so much so that you couldn’t hear the quiet footstep nearing you.

It wasn’t until your body allowed for you enough quiet to feel a new presence by your side. It was in this acknowledgement that you were able to hear his voice: “H-hello …”

In this moment, it hadn’t occurred to you that your soulmate would be equally as nervous as you. Inhaling deeply, you spared no slowness in your final attempt to look upon your destined loved one. You hadn’t learned anything from whipping your head earlier; why start now?

The first thing you noticed were his eyes. That was probably the first thing most people noticed when they saw Jonathan Byers: they were so unusually tired for someone his age, even more so nervous and even almost saddened. If it wasn’t his eyes, then most people would firstly note that his demeanor flowed with an overwhelming sense of shyness, effecting his posture to the point of appearing smaller and more fragile than most boys his age. This is what you took note of second. The third thing, which would’ve been the first thing if not for the fact that he could occasionally go without it, was the clunky camera he was holding in his hands; almost like how a child holds their safety blanket.

But what many and most who did not know Jonathan Byers would not have seen would be the small, wary smile that graced his features.

That was reserved for those he felt the closest to.

You weren’t certain what to say. Sure, you, like many others at some point in their lives, had made a plan about what you would probably say upon first meeting your intended. You practiced a speech here or there, thought up possible scenarios within which you could throw a cool, flirty joke. It never occurred to you that you’d faint upon first meeting, however. So you were at a loss for proper words.

“You … take pictures?” Smooth, (Y/N). Surprisingly, though, your soulmate didn’t seem bothered by the clumsy first sentence. In fact, he seemed more bothered by the fact that it was his picture-taking that had caused your first meeting to go so bizarrely.

“I … I’m sorry. I was taking pictures and …” he seemed to struggle to find the right words that wouldn’t come off too terribly. “You just looked really – r-really natural and I really wanted to .. . . to …” He gave up altogether, instead directing his attention to the floor where he fell into an awkward foot-to-foot shuffle. You didn’t mind. In fact, you were finding yourself rather flattered.

You folded your legs up to your chest and rested a blushing cheek on them as you smiled back up at him. “It’s okay,” you offered. “I’m (Y/N) (L/N), by the way.” You watched him nod slightly.

“I’m Jonathan. Jonathan Byers,” he offered. You could tell he was trying and failing miserably not to blush right back at you.

“Well, Jonathan,” you began, “I can’t begin to express what a pleasure it is to meet you. And if you don’t mind, I’d really love to see that photo you took of me when you get it developed.” You bit your lip. “And all your other pieces, if you don’t mind … In fact, I can show you my pain –”

Wait … Weren’t you in art club before all this!?

Jonathan, in his nervous nature, couldn’t help but jump slightly as you hollered, “Oh, crap!”, watching in confusion as you fervently detangled yourself from the scratchy blanket.

You weren’t thinking when your grabbed his hand and began sprinting down the hallway back to the art room. It didn’t even occur to you that you didn’t really know Jonathan, other than the fact that he was your soulmate and a photographer. You were just doing what suddenly came naturally: Wanting your soulmate to be around you. Besides, great things take time; you had to start somewhere. Even if “somewhere” meant dragging your confused, startled, and yet somewhat love-struck soulmate down the hallway.

Epilogue:

Jonathan stood nervously behind you, just watching you. He felt bad, guilty if he had to give it a name. He didn’t need to worry about colors in his photos – they were going to happen without his influence. Painting, on the other hand? That required some acknowledgement of which colors the creator of the piece was using.

He gulped quietly as he watched you continue to stare at the painting you’d been working on earlier that day. It had been five minutes. You hadn’t said a work. You just … stared at it, arms to your side, staring straightforward, no head-cocking or anything.

Jonathan hadn’t been seeing color for too long, not even two hours. But considering that he’d been seeing it longer than you had, as your fainting spell took some time out of you, he had an idea of what colors certain things were supposed to be.

The sky wasn’t usually yellow, from what he could tell, and the clouds he saw weren’t lilac and indigo. The sun, from what he could squint at, didn’t appear to be blue, and the trees he’d seen while running back to the school with you in his arms didn’t appear to vary in any colors beyond brown and green, so he couldn’t exactly say that trees were actually blood red with white and purple leaves.

Jonathan also hadn’t known you for long, not even twenty minutes. So he couldn’t tell how much of a stickler and perfectionist you might’ve been. But considering you expressed such a high passion for art as he did with his photography, he worried he may have ruined all your hard work with his lack of presence.

It was therefore a surprise to the young man when you turned to face him, a big smile plastered on your face as you squealed, “I love it!”

Door vs Wall

(Based on this post)

Heterosexual: Door swings one way

Homosexual: Door swings the other way

Bisexual: Door swings both ways

Pansexual: Revolving door

Demisexual: Door is locked

Asexual: Door is actually a wall

So, have you opened your door yet?

Actually, I don’t have a door. I have a wall.

Have you tried giving it a push?

A push? It’s a wall. Pushing on a wall won’t do anything.

I’m sure your door will open once you’ve found the right key.

Walls don’t have locks…

Although maybe you should call a locksmith just to make sure everything is, you know, okay.

Nothing you are saying makes any sense. It’s a WALL.

Maybe yours is actually a pull door. And it’s okay, you know, if your door opens the other way. I’m sure you’ll feel better once you admit it to yourself.

Do you not understand what a wall is?

Did your fingers get caught in the door when you were younger? Because you shouldn’t let a trauma like that stop you from opening your door now.

No my fingers did not get caught when I was younger because IT’S A WALL AND NOT A DOOR.

You know, I don’t mind helping you with your door ;)

… I’m just going to go over here now…with my wall… yeah…. 

Talking Body

Reader x Klaus Mikaelson

(NOT MY GIF)

*requested

Imagine: You are in a extremely heated situation with Klaus and your younger daughter bursts in, so you have to explain to her what’s happening and the older one, who understands what you were doing, keeps making disgusted sounds. After it is all done, you go back to what you were doing.

Warnings: dirty, dirty smut. oral sex (female receiving). sex, ofc. a bit fluff. roughness. swearing. and i guess that’s it.

Word Count: 3105


Being Klaus Mikaelson’s partner was definitely not an easy task; aside the fact he was a very complicated and troubled man, the blond had many enemies who craved to see him defeated, which means you were always their first target when they wanted to draw his attention. A bunch of fools, if you were to be honest, for you were no damsel in distress. Matter fact, you had been taught to fight ever since you could remember. Born in a werewolf family, it was kind of obvious that your parents guaranteed to never leave their beloved child unprepared to the supernatural life.

“Mum!” Cami, your younger daughter, yelled, getting you out of your inner thoughts. You closed the book you were reading and offered her a happy smile. “Dad won’t let me have cookies!”

“That’s because you just had dinner!” A masculine voice replied, trying to sound angry. A soft laugh left your lips. “Agree with me on this, darling.”

“Your father is right, baby.” You stroke her red cheek, placing one blonde curl behind her ear. “Also, you need to go to bed. It’s late.”

“Urgh.” She whined, pouting, making both you and Klaus giggle. “This isn’t fair!”

Whilst the girl escaped, running out of the room, you stood up from the cushioned armchair you were sitting on and went straight to your husband's​ arms, enjoying, afterwards, the warm hug he gave you. It was adorable how he never stopped doing these little things like hugging, kissing, holding your hand, grabbing your ass whenever you were not paying attention… All of it; Klaus simply could never stop reassuring his love for you. As for yourself, well, the feelings were wildly mutual.

“I’ll tuck her in.” He whispered in your ear, sending chills down your spine. “Wait for me in our room wearing that. I’ve been wanting to tear that dress out of you all day long.”

Keep reading

dekc  asked:

Bakugou makes spicy ramen noodles as a midnight snack. He sits next to Kaminari who's watching a cartoon they both used to watch when they were younger. They both comment on jokes they didn't get when they were kids. Just bros being bros.

Also Kaminari adds pizza rolls to Bakugou’s ramen when he’s not looking lmao

[on twitter]

SO I’M NOT SURE IF THIS IS WHAT YOU HAD IN MIND BUT IT’S THE FIRST THING THAT CAME TO ME WHEN I READ YOUR ASK LOL

Bakugou does not appreciate having pizza rolls in his ramen 

7

21 years of progression. I have very specific memories of when I was younger. I remember crying in bed for god to make me a girl. I begged and pleaded every night that I would wake up the next morning with the right parts in the right body and every day I woke up in disappointment. I remember going through my mom’s wardrobe on more than one occasion and showing her what I put on. I remember picking the girl characters in any video game I ever played.

For years I would have people refer to me as a girl with a variety of different names. I would ask them to do my make up or let me borrow their clothes. All I thought about, all I wanted to do was girly things.

Going through puberty and not having my body develop the way I wanted to was a hard blow to handle. Things were different when I was younger and still had a high voice and softer features.

Figuring out the way boys act with each other was a wake up call as well. I wasn’t like them I didn’t want to do the things they wanted to do. I flocked to the the feminine my whole life. If I tried to put it out of mind, it wouldn’t last long. This wasn’t a phase this was who I was.

I hid who I was for too long. I cared what others thought about me and I let that dictate my actions. I couldn’t continue this or things would only get worse. Finally transitioning was the most incredible thing that could have happened to me. Finally I was on the right track I was doing what made me happy. I was living my life authentically as a woman. I was being myself.

This is something I know I’ve not only wanted but needed. I don’t know where I’d be if I’d even be anywhere if it wasn’t for transitioning. I’m in a body I can be comfortable with and I can flaunt my femininity without shame. I have always been a girl and nobody will tell me otherwise.

Trans and proud.

MY JIKOOK TIMELINE SERIES pt.1

So I can see many people are interested in my analysis of Jikook relationship. Since I have been fan from 2014 and also have been shipping Jikook from that time I will focus it mainly on my opinion about their relantionship from that year. I am also gonna put here my theory about their relationship from the time before I became a fan but it is not going to be as detailed. I think this is going to be really tiring post to read so I decided to split it into several parts because I have a lot to say. ( I might make this as series and talk about all the moments and future moments in the future)

DISCLAIMER: This post is supposed to be just for fun and shipping of Jikook. I am not claiming this is truth and I am not forcing anyone to believe this. These are just my observations throughout the years I have been into BTS and the time I have been into shipping jikook. I don’t want to cause any types of fanwars or stupid “shipwars” by this post and I don’t want other people to use this content for these kind of purposes. Also I am opened to hear about your other opinions. Just if you don’t like my opinion don’t be later on rude in my asks or something. As I said I am opened to listen but I AM NOT GONNA TOLERATE HATE OR PEOPLE BEING RUDE TO ME JUST BECAUSE I HAD FUN WITH THIS.

SO when everything is clear now let’s begin.

Pre-debut years + 2013

I have not much to say to this period of time. But from my observations I got Jikook was totally hyung/dongsaeng relationship. In my opinion Jungkook might have feel something more than just appreciation towards his hyung. You know when you are at that age and you have not much idea what is just adoring someone friendly and what are actually real feelings toward someone. I think Jungkook was really confused at that time because he was realizing that something might be going on but also the social stigma and sudden exposition to cameras and publicity were holding him back to sit down and think about it. From Jimin’s point of view Jungkook was his cute dongsaeng that reminded him of his younger brother. I think him missing his home and sudden change of environment resulted in Jimin really caring for Jungkookie naturally thanks to his personality and attitude towards Bangtan.

Late 2013+early 2014

In my opinion this was the period when Jungkook started to get really confused. He knew he cares for his hyung and he knew he likes him a lot. But I think that he had to feel something more from the beginning and that’s what was confusing him. Even though I think he was confused I still think he wasn’t putting too much mind into it. I think Jimin was just his favourite hyung at that time. This was also the period of so called “clingy Jimin” and “refusing maknae”. In my opinion Jungkook have never despised or hated Jimin. There is just no way of that happening in Bangtan and I think it is really stupid to even joke about it or bringing it up. Jungkook was just simple pubescent boy. The person he liked he teased.He knew how Jimin gets annoyed when people ignore him or how self-conscious he was about his height.

 Also a huge aspect in this played that Jungkook maybe showed his affection towards Jimin behind cameras but it was really hard for him to express himself in front of them. I think the whole jikook bickering might have started by one moment where Jungkook felt uncomfortable to express himself and showing skinship. But maknae acting that way towards his hyung was really hilarious and that’s why it continued. We also know that Jungkook always looks up to his hyungs and when they were teasing Jimin he probably thought it was also OK for him to tease Jimin. From Jimin’s point of view I think it was still the same as before. I don’t think feelings played role in his relationship with Jungkook from the beginning and I would dare to even say he was being kinda obvious to Jungkook for a really long time. To be honest I still like this period of their relationship even though many jikook shippers are trying to forget about it.  You ask me why? The reason is that I found really entertaining to watch fetus Jungkook trying to get attention of his hyung but also trying to act like he is his own boss and that he doesn’t need his hyung at all.  I also could kinda see his inner struggle most of the time. Or on the other hand when he was doing a lot of skinship unconsciously. 

What I also really like about this period was that Jungkook even though he acted like he didn’t care he still found a moments how to show he his appreciation for his hyung. Do you remember the moment during AHL when  Jimin was really pissed at that kid and Jungkook showed total concern with his hyung. That he understands how things like THESE piss Jimin off. This shows how close Jikook have been even though they used to play that “cat and mouse game”.(also shows that Jungkook wasn’t being disrespectful towards Jimin at all) Jungkook joking towards Jimin was ok even though he is younger but some young-blooded kid scolding Jimin was no way go. 

HONORABLE MENTIONS OF JIKOOK MOMENTS FROM THAT TIME:

NEXT PART IS GOING TO BE HOPEFULLY HELLA INTENSE AND CONFUSING BECAUSE I AM GETTING TO JIKOOK RELANTIONSHIP TIME WHEN ALL THE SHIT WENT DOWN LOL….

anonymous asked:

Do you think Keith has some kind of amnesia?

yES,, I DO,, see this post here and any other post I’ve written that covers Keith’s visions. Because there are certainly times–his nightmare in The Ark of Traujeer, his hallucination in BOM–where glimpses of these memories appear to resurface. Keith’s intimately familiar with galran invasions on some subconscious level, he knows what they look like:

And I think it’s very possible he could’ve witnessed a lot of things when he was younger that began to fade with time. 

Especially considering, you know, the galra have tech that can clearly alter your mind. You know what else they have? Quintessence. And a lot of it. We’ve seen how that’s suppressed Honerva’s memories, and it’s likely what cost Shiro so many of his as well. You know who’s demonstrated a curious affinity for quintessence? Who was able to manipulate the raw essence of it? Keith

Not to mention my whole theory on how Keith might be connected to the rift, so yeah…I think it’s likely he’s lost a good portion of his memory. 

NDE

For @sixpenceee
When I was little, like 9 or 10, I was almost constantly sick. I still have stomach problems, but it was bad when I was younger. In hospitals and such, etc
I was lying in my bed during one of my worse days, and I suddenly blacked out
I saw what would’ve happened if I did die. I saw my funeral and my family cleaning out my room afterwards. I watched teachers and friends discuss it I was suddenly very aware. Of what? I don’t know. But I knew everything without having to even think.
I wandered aimlessly through this dream state, just observing the grieving process
Now keep in mind I was about 9, so this wasn’t something that I could really make up since I didn’t know about grief or the afterlife yet
At some point I came to a spot in the sky. Like heaven? It was space, though. I watched myself in paradise, above the world. I saw gold cities and deceased family members like my great grandma. I saw lakes and trees and stars. So many stars. I used to tell my mom when I was little then I’ve been to the stars and she had no clue what I meant. I saw great power and leftover suffering from life. I felt kindness and awareness. I knew where I was but I didn’t. This wasn’t full heaven, though. I didn’t fully die. I didn’t see all of it.
I felt a cold hand touch my shoulder, and someone smiled at me. An angel or something
Then I was jolted back into reality
Haven’t really been sick to the point of hospitalization after that honestly
Idk what happened, but I thought that it was a fun and interesting story. I have descriptions of what I saw in my heaven in full detail but I won’t go into that now
Interpret it how you want I guess. Enjoy

anonymous asked:

I remember a post about Dick swearing but do the others do that? Jason swears a lot in fanon but I don't recall him or timmy swearing in canon. Damian says "damn" in son of batman, what else?

Okie dokie here is Shelly’s post about Dick swearing, and here is a Jason comparison. So I’m gonna limit myself to the younger three Robins.

Bear in mind that this isn’t even close to a complete list– it’s mostly pulls from the series that I’ve recently reread (Red Robin, Batgirl (2009), both Batman and Robins, Batman Eternal) plus whatever panels I already had on file. Here we go!

Alrighty so I find that pretty much every member of the batfamily uses “damn” and “hell” often. Here’s Tim with 

assorted hells

couple damns

And my personal favorite: “I am so screwed,” when he realized Ra’s was watching him.

I also noticed that Tim is more likely than the others to use fake swears like these

Freaking, darn, and nuts. All in all? Pretty lowkey. Steph on the other hand:

Lots of variations on ass

One bitch and a few damns

Two screwed, couple hells

And a single fuck. Interestingly enough, Steph might have the highest swear rate. I stopped screenshotting after a while because there were so many.

Also:

Lots and lots of craps.

And Damian varies a ton by writer. In his very earliest appearance you get

(Side note: Alfred’s response to that is something like “ah, memory lane” while he glares at Bruce, so I’m guessing Bruce was a mouthy kid too)

Weirdly enough I couldn’t find a single Damian swear in the first section of the preboot B&R series. But as soon as it switches over to Tomasi, we’re back in business.

Lots of hells, three asses

Couple damns and two bastards. 

And there you have it

Being the daughter of Jim Gordon and dating Jerome would include:

Originally posted by miravnda

Originally posted by twofacedharveydent

Request:  Please, Can you do a headcanon like… Be the daughter of James Gordon and be dating Jerome (you are good and very young compared to Jerome, your father doesn’t accept) Sorry my English by @stupendousrpgkawaii

Warning: Reader being younger than Jerome, violence and unheathly love. Not a very nice love story.

A/N: Sorry that I’m late! But I made it kinda long eheheh

[Y/F/N]= your full name


Dating:

  • Meeting Jerome radomly on the street and finding out he works at the carnival.
    • Him inviting you to watch the show.
  • Jerome being super fun and making you laugh all the time. Playing some minor pranks with him to annoy his co-workers.
  • Adoring his laughter.
  • Meeting him all the time and your dad becoming suspicious with whom you’re ‘chilling’ all the time.
    • “So, who’s the guy, [Y/N]?”
    • “I already told you. His name’s Jerome and he works at the carnival. And he’s funny and my friend.” 
    • “Just don’t get to ‘funny’ together, okay?”
  • Fiding out you’re younger than Jerome.
    • “You’re 18? What the…?”
    • “You look older, you know.”
    • “This is awkward.”
    • “Have heard and seen worse.”
    • “Same.”
    • Jerome being the childish one.
  • Comforting Jerome when he’s sad or/and angry.
    • “Jerome, you’re always welcome to crash on my couch. I don’t think dad would mind.”
    • “Thank you, [Y/N]. You’re the bestest friend someone could ever have.” 
  • Meeting Jerome’s mother and disliking her the moment she started to nag.
  • Climbing out of the window to meet up with Jerome at night.
    • “I’ve never done this before.”
    • “Don’t feel so guilty. We’re not doing bad things. We’re just going for a walk.”
    • Talking about your life.
  • Jim not liking that you’re never home.
    • “You should bring Jerome home for dinner. I’d like to meet the boy who’s making you climb out of the bathroom window.”
    • “Um…”
    • You feeling super guilty, making youself apologize to your father and promising him you wouldn’t do it ever again.
    • “I was young, too, and I did anything to get into a girls pants-”
    • “Please no!”
  • Jim forcing Lee to give you the Talk again. It’s very awkward.
  • Jerome kissing you unexpectedly after a walk. 
    • Blushing and stuttering but kissing him back. 
  • Coming home, grinning brightly and Jim asking you what happened, only to find out that Jerome had kissed you.
    • Jim not being happy with it and him trying to keep you busy. 
    • Lee being on your side. “Jim, you can’t keep them apart forever. They will find a way to meet and she’s going to keep you in the dark until it’s too late.” 
    • Jim still not liking Jerome. He being sure that the boy’s a vagabond.
  • Jerome liking to hug you from behind and kissing the top of your head. 
    • He’s a cuddler, you realise.
    • He’s so much more happy with you than with everyone else. You feeling special. 
    • Him buying you souveniers.
  • You fiding out that Jerome’s mother was murdered and comforting him, staying with him all night.
    • Jim meets Jerome for the first time.
    • Him hating Jerome because he’s too old for you.
  • Your father telling you that Jerome had killed his mother and that the GCPD sends him away to Arkham.
  • Crying al lot.
  • Begging you’re father for a meeting with Jerome. You wanting answers for the things he did.
    • “Please, dad…”
    • “No. You’re not going to be near that boy ever again. Do you understand, [Y/F/N]?”
    • “Yes, dad.” 
  • Being lovesick and burrying yourself in school work.
  • Two days after the Maniax broke out, you’re being kidnapped by Jerome.
    • “You can’t just abduct me! Jerome, you have to let me go.” 
    • “Don’t you understand? I brought you here to be safe from the others. The city is going to blow up, soon.”
    • You being frightened to death. Everything about Jerome changed. His laughter became haunting, his smile your nightmare and the look in his eyes told you that your Jerome was long gone.
    • Crying alot and begging him to let you go.
  • Him confessing his love to you in despair.
    • “Oh, I fell so hard in love with you, love. I never thought my heart could skip so many beats. I love you.”
    • You being in love with him but also knowing that whatever is between the two of you would never work. “Jerome, I’m breaking up with you. I don’t want this. I don’t want your twisted love.”
    • Jerome getting angry and slapping you, but apologizing with many soft kisses afterwards.
  • Being torn apart. 
  • Finally escaping the day he left the door unlocked.
    • Running to the GCPD, crying and telling him about Jerome. 
    • Jim and Harvey comforting you. 
    • Even Ed tries to comfort you with riddles.
    • Jim being ready to kick Jerome’s ass for hurting your feelings.
  • Going to therapy after Jerome’s death to deal with everything that happenend to you.


(Requests closed)

Telepathic Tease

Pairing: USUK
Words: 1,868
Rating: T
AU: Human
Genre: Romance
Summary: Alfred is thoroughly entertained by a sarcastic Englishman’s inner commentary thanks to his mind reading abilities. 


Christ. How loud can one child scream?

The thought enters Alfred’s head in a smooth, unfamiliar, and thickly accented voice. Grinning, he glances around the crowded restaurant, searching for the person whose mind had been connected to his especially well. Usually, the thoughts of others were muffled, requiring Alfred’s explicit attention before he was able to access their thoughts. Occasionally, however, there came a person whose mind was extremely compatible with Alfred’s; in these cases, their minds could sync up within seconds of being in close proximity. This person, whoever they were, was even more compatible with Alfred than most, their thoughts almost completely drowning out everyone else’s.

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DAY 3541

Jalsa, Mumbai                      Dec 4/5,  2017                  Mon/Tue 1:15 AM  




“हम ज़िंदगी को अपनी कहाँ तक सम्भालते  

इस क़ीमती किताब का काग़ज़ ख़राब था “

                                                     ~ rumi jafri



Standing elegantly without a care in the world, I saw him standing by a Mercedes Sports car, a convertible, a smart trimmed beard and moustache, adorning involuntarily, the face of this incredibly handsome man. It was a picture that filled almost an entire page of a magazine. 

Shashi Kapoor …  son of Prithviraj Kapoor, younger brother to Raj Kapoor and Shammi Kapoor, making a debut in a forthcoming film, is what the caption read ..

And I said to myself, as very uncertain thoughts raced through my mind of wanting to become a film actor, that, with men like him around, I stood no chance at all ..



1969, and those early years of efforts to join the Industry were also the times when there was a close proximity, to the area of an atmosphere, that swivelled around this most attractive man. On and off, common friends in the Industry, which I was just getting acquainted with, would introduce me to him at select social gatherings ..

“ Shashi Kapoor !” was what one heard as he extended a warm soft hand out to you in introduction ; that devastating smile complimenting the twinkle in his eyes. He needn’t have done so. Every one knew him. But this was his infectious humble self. When he spoke, there was a mischievous, gentle, almost inaudible, delicate, yodel, in his voice - most endearing and comforting to the one he was introduced to. The self introduction habit, was a gem. The one being introduced to, was, quite obviously, prompted to say his or her name as well, when they heard his. It was a remarkable tool to come to know the other persons name .. and .. if and when there was to be another meeting after many forgettable years, the same technology was most helpful in remembering the other persons name, in case you had forgotten it .. !!

I must admit .. it was a technology that remained with me as a learning, assisting me in using it during those uncomfortable times, when out of the blue someone would come out to you and address himself as a long lost buddy , with a : 

“remember me ! we last met 6 years ago at the crossing of Kemps Corner, as you drove past and waved to me” !!!

My mind is warning me .. ‘of course you don’t, how could you possibly’ .. ‘stick that hand out ala Shashi Kapoor and act friendly..’ 

I obey .. 

‘yes of course I do’ ..  I say .. looking recognisably lost .. ( sticking hand out ) .. Amitabh Bachchan ..!!

And he would assure me with his .. and Kemp’s Corner and waving by, passing travelling vehicle, suddenly all come flashing by .. I am saved .. and he goes away with some rather impressionable opinions about me .. 

The next .. was his semi curly hair on head, falling carelessly over his forehead and ears, not quite covering it ..  and my upper story mumbled again : ‘hey ! maybe you should think of covering your ears as well ..’ … and off I went to Hakim the hair dresser at Taj Hotel with my plan .. and executed, it remained till date ..


What followed .. is a documentation of very intimate association, personal exigencies .. collective professional camaraderie .. ending in family bindings  ..

He had been ailing  .. somewhere he had let himself go after the passing away of his dear wife Jennifer .. I had visited him on occasion in Hospital during some of the times he had been hospitalised earlier .. but I never went to see him again .. I would never have .. I never ever wanted to see this beautiful friend and ‘samdhi’ in the state I saw him in hospital .. 

…. and I did not today, when they informed me that he had gone …


The words of the ‘sher’ at the opening came to me minutes after Rumi Jafri, eminent writer in our film industry, sent them to me on learning of his death ..

“how long could I have preserved this exquisite and expensive book of life ; the pages of the book were damaged ..”




He fondly addressed me as ‘babbua’ .. and with him have gone many incredible unread chapters of his and my life .. 


Amitabh Bachchan