what the hell is this

  • Alec, drunk: Are you a cactus?
  • Magnus: What?
  • Alec: because I want to pat you
  • Magnus: ...how often do you have urges to pat cacti?
  • Alec: It's just that I feel like no one touches them because they're put off by the spikes and that must be a sad life. They're just an outer wall of defence and inside the cactus is just like us, I'm willing to push past that defence to get to them, y'know? Anything to make them feel better
  • Magnus, blinking slowly: ...definitely, darling. I think it's time we go home now

“Hey, hey, Natasha!” Steve said excitedly. So excitedly, in fact, that he tripped over the coffee table as he was rushing toward her.

Natasha moved her legs out of the way so he splayed out on the floor. “Yes, Steve?”

“Ow!” He sat up, rubbing his face. “You know, you could have caught me!”

“I could have,” she agreed, nodding. “But it was funnier to watch you fall.”

“I’m going to remember this,” Steve told her seriously. “Either until I get my revenge or until the day I die.”

Natasha stared at him silently and kindly did not tell him that he would die first. “What did you want?”

Steve immediately brightened. “Natasha, Bucky finally taught me how to do the thing!”

“…The thing,” she repeated.

Steve nodded wildly. “Yes! Let me sho–Actually I need to sit down. Okay wait. Sorry! I’m just so excited!”

“I can tell,” Natasha said, smiling a little. It was like watching a giant Golden Retriever try not to hit stuff with his wagging tail and failing.

Steve sat down in the chair across from her and took a deep breath, closing his eyes. He let the breath out and opened them again and looked up at her, corner of his mouth quirking up in a semi-smile, lashes lowered just enough that he just barely had to look through them.

“…The thing!” Natasha shouted excitedly. “The smolder!”

“…The smolder?” Steve asked in confusion.

“It’s from Tangled. Don’t worry, I’ll mention it to Clint and he’ll make sure we get it for next movie night.” Natasha clapped happily. “I can’t believe Barnes finally taught you. I thought he’d blow a gasket last time, he was so frustrated.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Sorry my face doesn’t automatically do the same thing Bucky’s does.”

“Apology accepted,” Natasha said, because she was a little shit, and ignored his outraged squawk. “So what are you going to do with it now?”

“I’m going to do the thing at Tony,” Steve declared, nodding firmly. “Now he’ll have to know I’m flirting with him.”


Natasha reached out to touch Steve’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Steve.”

Why,” Steve asked, burying his face in his hands. “I even asked him to go out to dinner. What am I doing wrong?!”

“I dunno, pal,” Bucky sighed, reaching out to ruffle his hair. “I thought for sure he’d realize this time.”

Natasha noticed Bruce beginning to walk by and grabbed him by the collar, dragging him back. “Bruce.”

“Ack!” Bruce flailed. “What?!”

“Steve did the smolder at Tony,” Natasha began.

Bruce groaned. “Oh my God, I know. I saw it. That was so sad.”

Steve made a disgruntled noise.

“What can we do to make Tony notice that Steve is flirting with him?” she continued, ignoring them both.

Bruce raised an eyebrow at them. “…Have you ever tried going up to Tony and saying ‘hey, have you noticed I’ve been flirting with you?’”

“It can’t be that easy,” Bucky insisted.


“IT WAS THAT FUCKING EASY,” Bucky concluded, holding up his glass of champagne. “So really this wedding only happened because Bruce was the only one smart enough to steer us in the right direction.”

Tony buried his face in his hands to try and smother his giggles as Steve groaned in mortification and slid out of his seat and onto the ground.

Rhodey stood, holding up his glass of champagne. “Instead of coming up with an undoubtedly witty story about these idiots which you would all surely laugh at, because I am hilarious, I’mma just leave you with this: Tony knew Steve was flirting the whole time and just wanted to see how far Steve would go.”

Tony’s giggling got louder.

“TONY!” Steve shouted from the floor, betrayed, as Natasha and Bucky both began yelling because they’d tried so hard to help Steve and Tony was just being a little shit apparently.

Maria scowled and slapped a twenty into Coulson’s hand.

Coulson sighed and slipped that twenty into Fury’s hand instead.

“…I think I made a mistake.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Oh my God, you had Tony eating out of the palm of your hand. Why are you not fucking him right now?”

Steve cringed. “…Because I made a mistake.”

Bucky turned to scowl at him. “How in the fuck did you mess up right before sealing the deal?”

“I, uh, well.” Steve blushed bright red. “We were… making out. And talking. …Dirtily.”

Bucky sat up straight. “Steve, you’ve never talked dirty in your life unless it was swearing like a sailor.”

“I know,” Steve hissed, glaring at him. “Which is how I made the mistake! Don’t tell Natasha because she’ll murder me!”

“Fine.” Bucky was going to tell Natasha all about this. “And what mistake was that?”

“I! Um!” Steve turned away abruptly, rubbing his arm. “…Tony said. Um. That he’d been naughty. And needed to be punished.”

“Oh nooo,” Bucky whispered, hands going to his cheeks.

“And I kind of panicked, you know, because Tony, uh. He’s kind of. Self-destructive sometimes.”

Bucky continued to stare at him in awe, and wondered if this was what watching a train wreck was like.

“So I said–” Steve stopped, then swallowed thickly. “I said, ‘it’s okay, I forgive you. We all make mistakes.’”

This was a train wreck caused by smashing into a wall of baby bunnies holy shit.

“So, uh. Well, it took Tony a minute to realize what I’d said. And then he did. And. Um.” Steve stared out the window. “He walked into the bathroom and he’s been in there for fifteen minutes.”

“Steve, you fucking idiot,” Bucky whispered.

Steve groaned and collapsed onto the floor. “I know, okay?!”

The door to their apartment burst open, and there was Natasha. “Why did I get an SOS text from Tony?!”

Steve gaped at her, terrified.

“…Steve made a mistake,” Bucky answered quickly, perfectly willing to throw his best friend under the bus. “He’s in the bathroom.”

“If he’s bleeding,” Natasha hissed, letting the threat hang there as she stalked to the bathroom.

Steve stared at the ceiling, resigned. His mom had always worried that he wouldn’t make it to thirty-five. He should have known she’d been just as worried about him saying the wrong thing as she was him coughing his lungs out.

He cringed as he heard Natasha burst out laughing, but it was quickly muffled, and then there were hurried whispers. A few minutes later, she exited the bathroom, shutting the door quietly behind her. She was grinning.

“Do you always grin before you murder people?” Steve asked sadly.

“Bucky, come fuck me at my place,” she ordered cheerfully. “Steve, see to Tony.”

“What,” Steve said, but she’d already grabbed Bucky’s ear and was dragging him out–not that he looked too put-out about it. He watched the door close behind them, then awkwardly got to his feet and approached the bathroom. “Um. Tony? Can I come in?”

The door opened just a crack, and he slipped inside.

His stomach fell to the floor when he saw tears running down Tony’s cheeks. “Oh my God.”

Tony peeked up at him, then threw his head back and slid down the toilet so his back was on the lid instead of his butt. His entire body was shaking, and he covered his mouth. “St-!”

“I’m sorry,” Steve said hurriedly. “I didn’t mean to–Are you fucking laughing?!” he shouted when he realized that the other man was grinning.

Tony waved his free hand frantically, little wheezing noises escaping from between his fingers.

“I can’t believe this! I thought–I thought I’d ruined everything, and you just came in here to laugh?!” Steve exclaimed, but it was hard to stay angry when Tony finally let out a bark of laughter as he slid off the toilet and onto the floor. “Yeah, laugh it up, you dick!”

Tony wrapped his arms around his stomach, once again laughing so hard that he was making no sounds except for tiny wheezes.

Steve couldn’t help the smile that came to his lips. “I thought Natasha was going to murder me, Tony!”

“HAAAHAHA!” Tony rocked onto his other side, kicking his feet wildly.

“Tony!” Steve grabbed his shoulders so he wouldn’t knock himself out on the tub. “It’s not that funny!”

“You were so earnest,” Tony sobbed out, grinning. “Oh my God!”

Steve rolled his eyes, smiling fondly, and bent down to kiss his laughing mouth. “Well, how was I supposed to know what was going on?”

“I expected you to say I needed a spanking or something,” Tony admitted, lifting a hand to wipe his eyes. “Oh God! Do I have abs? I feel like I should have abs from how hard and long I laughed.”

Steve grinned, which then faded into an awkward smile. “Um. I’m hard and long.”

“STEVE!” Tony screeched, bursting into laughter again, but took some of the sting out of it by pressing giggly, open-mouthed kisses to his jaw and neck. “That was awful!”

“Yeah,” Steve admitted, but couldn’t bring himself to be actually embarrassed. “Why did you send Natasha an SOS text if you were just in here laughing?”

“I wasn’t trying to, I was trying to type out what had happened, but I was laughing so hard the words got mixed up and she thought something was wrong.”

Steve paused. “…What do I have to do to keep you from telling everyone?”

“Everyone already knows!” Tony laughed. “Natasha sent a group text about it!”

“Aw, fuck!” Steve swore, because God damn it now Clint and Sam were going to be insufferable.

Tony drew him down for another kiss, laughing quietly into his mouth. “’ll make it worth your while?” he offered, smiling up at him.

“…I mean, I might as well get sex if my friends are going to torment me,” Steve decided, and rolled his eyes when Tony burst out laughing and sputtering ‘no okay I’ll calm down in a minute I swear!’

“Instagram frightens me,” Bucky said, frowning at the screen on his phone.

Steve peeked at it as he passed by, then took a step backward to give it a good, long look. “…Why are they talking about our pecs like that?”

Natasha perked up from playing on her own phone. “How are they talking about your pecs?”

“Look what you’ve done,” Bucky hissed at the blond, hurriedly pulling his phone to his chest protectively.

Steve shrugged and held hands up helplessly. “Sorry.”

Natasha had already pulled his Instagram up on her phone. “You accepted my request, idiot.”

“Show me how to delete her, Steve,” Bucky ordered, shoving his phone at him.

“Too late–Oh my God.” She began laughing, and it had just an edge of meanness to it. “You guys actually thought posting a picture after one of your runs while your white shirts were saturated with your sweat was a good idea?!” Natasha actually began rocking side to side in her seat, cackling. “I’m dying–oh my God someone help-!”

Bruce walked into the living room and frowned when he saw her laughing. “What happened? Did an enemy meet a hilariously gruesome end?”

“They’re talking about Steve and Bucky’s tits!” Natasha shrieked, and finally rolled off the love seat, she was laughing so hard.

Bruce looked at her a long moment before he said, “Okay.” Then he turned on his heel and left.

Natasha was still laughing, so Steve and Bucky left too, before they had to listen to her tell someone else about how their fans were talking about their chests.


Unfortunately, for the next three days, Natasha burst out laughing every time she saw them, and soon the rest of the team knew about it. Apparently no one actually looked at the comments on their posts anymore since they could only handle so many heart-eye emojis, but they were suddenly willing to bear with it for the hilarious comments.

“Oh God damn it,” Bucky whispered when Sam handed him a plate with two pancakes on it, whipped cream nipples standing nearly as proudly as the other man’s smile.

“Sorry, man,” Sam laughed, not sounding sorry at all.

Steve looked like he might laugh as well, until Sam gave him a plate with the same thing. “Sam.

“What, you thought I wouldn’t make fun of you, too?” Sam asked, raising an eyebrow, before brightening when Natasha came in. “Natasha, did you see my masterpieces?”

Natasha looked at them, their pancakes, and then turned around to walk right back out, laughing again.

Bucky bent his fork in half.


Tony had been overseas for a business meeting, so he’d missed everything, and Natasha had finally stopped laughing herself to tears when she saw them. They were pretty sure they would get away with Tony never finding out.

Except Natasha was a huge fucking BITCH.

“Tony, you’re back!” Natasha exclaimed when he walked in, still wearing a rumpled suit.

Tony squinted at her, still jetlagged, but he’d wanted to see everyone before he crashed and slept for eighteen hours. Seeing nothing immediately out of the ordinary, he simply agreed, “Yes.”

She skittered over to where Steve and Bucky were sitting, grinning. “Tony, who do you think has the best tits?”

Steve and Bucky both had the distinct thought ‘I’m going to murder her.’

Tony blinked at her slowly. “…You do.”

Natasha opened her mouth, then closed it. “…That’s so sweet,” she finally decided, actually looking flattered, before she slapped her hands down on each of the men’s shoulders. “But I meant between Steve and Bucky.”

“Oh.” Tony wandered closer, humming thoughtfully as he peered very intensely at their chests.

After a moment, he reached out and cupped Steve’s pecs in his hands, either ignoring or not noticing the way he tensed up and squeaked. Bucky would have made fun of him except he made the same noise when Tony abruptly turned and did the same thing to him. He hummed again, then placed a hand on both of their pecs.

“…I can’t decide,” Tony said, and then did not move away.

They stared at him for a little while, worried, before Steve cautiously said, “Tony?”

Tony jerked as if he’d been shocked. “Huh?” He looked at his hands on both of their chests. “…I need to sleep,” he decided, and gave their chests a pat. “I apologize for molesting you.”

“It’s not molesting if we want it,” Bucky blurted out, and then set his jaw, because what the fuck, brain?!

Tony patted his cheek just a little too hard. “Maybe you need some sleep too.”

Bucky gaped as the other man turned and sort of… tottered away.

“He’s going to fall asleep in the elevator,” Clint said fondly.

Bruce sighed and got up to trot after him. “Tony, let me help you.”

“Be careful, Bruce,” they heard him warn as the doors began to shut. “I’m molesting people.”

“Quite honestly I would prefer that to you stabbing me to see if I’ll turn into the Hulk,” Bruce replied blandly.

Steve crossed his arms over his chest when he noticed Sam grinning at him, blushing. “What?!”

“Tony grabbed your boobs,” Sam said, then burst out laughing. “And he didn’t even notice!”

Steve turned to look at Bucky, frowning. “Do you just wanna leave the country?”

Yes,” he answered immediately and viciously.

“I think,” Natasha said, leaning down to put her face between theirs. “That you’re missing the point.”

Bucky glared at her. “And what point is that, you troublemaker?”

“Tony couldn’t decide which of your chests he likes better,” she explained, as if he was an idiot. “So maybe when he’s not about to fall asleep on his feet, you can offer to let him check again.”

“…I don’t understand why you’re like this,” Steve admitted.

Natasha rolled her eyes. “You’re both hopeless.”

“Seriously,” Clint said, raising an eyebrow. “She gave you the perfect opening to hit on Tony and you’re being too prude to do it.”

“Am not!” Steve answered immediately, because he never liked being told he was too anything, and Bucky got the sinking feeling that Steve was going to march him to Tony as soon as he heard he was awake to do just that.

“Couldn’t we just buy him flowers?” he asked, but Steve had that determined look to him. “Steve please.”

“We can get him flowers and ask whose chest is better,” Steve allowed. “It will be mine, by the way, so you can pick out the flowers.”

Bucky turned to glare at him, appalled. “No way, my chest is way better than yours! You’re gonna be super embarrassed when Tony tells you so, too!”

Natasha rolled her eyes as they began bickering and walked over to flop down next to Sam. “What did we do to get stuck with these idiots?”

“I don’t know about you, but Steve basically harassed me,” Sam replied, shrugging. “Whenever someone says ’on your left,’ I still get irrationally angry.”

Simple Minds part 2 (smut)

REQUESTS: imagine for henry x female reader where it’s like Christmas and snowing and he gets in a fight with butch so you invite him over but ur parents went to go visit family so you spend it alone with eachother ? fluff or fluffy smut, dealers choice 😉 love ur writing !!!

an it imagine for henry bowers. just a lot of foreplay please!!

my request is broad but the world needs more smutty henry x reader ahhhhh

A/N: Second part of my two part series, Simple Minds. Kind of wish I saved the title Bittersweet for this one lol but I guess this title works to :Y Please don’t ask for a continuation of this because I like how I ended it.


You do very little to hide your feelings, wearing them on your sleeve for world to see—in this case the ‘world’ being, Henry Bowers. He is your whole world, but your world was dying; decomposing from the inside out through a slow erosion of the spirit and mind. Visible evidence of his father’s displeasure and scorn manifest in a patch work of bruises and lacerations upon his face.

It makes you sick.

“You should come spend Christmas with me.”

“I don’t need—“

“I need it.” You lie, preserving his ego. “My mom went to visit her family out of state and didn’t ask me if I wanted to go. I dunno I think she thinks it’s dad’s turn. But he’s out getting drunk with his friends, so I know he won’t know it’s his turn. So now the house is going to be lonely and I could use some support.”

“Your parents are shit.” He comments absently, a second later he nods to your proposal.

You manage to wring a laugh from your throat. How many times have ya’ll done this dance; projecting each other’s fears and insecurities on the other instead of talking about them head on? In the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter. “That’s why I’m lucky to have you.”

Keep reading

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