what its calle d

The Worst Thing the Boyfriends Can Hear from Aoba

To Koujaku: “You’re a monster. Get away from me.”

To Noiz: “You’re a freak. I’m done trying to help you.”

To Clear: “You’re hideous. Put your mask back on.”

To Mink: “You’re evil. I’ll never forgive you.”

To Ren: “You’re barely a person. I don’t need you.”

@son-of-rassilon​: TracerXMei, and JunkratXRoadhog for the OTP thing

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tracer/mei

accidentally falls off the bed in the middle of the night: tracer! they’re both restless sleepers - mei can’t stay still for long periods of time without reminding her of cryo, and tracer’s hyperaware of her body because of her time with chronal disassociation - but when mei gets to sleep, she can actually be pretty peaceful, unlike tracer who flops around EVERYWHERE

gives the other piggy back rides: zarya. sometimes they do pull-ups on her biceps too

tries to act tough but is really a giant sap: TRACER OH MY G O D. as the face of the new overwatch, there’s a lot of pressure for tracer to live up to jack morrison’s legacy, so she spends a lot of time trying to live up to the tough, unflappable mental image she has of jack from back when they worked on overwatch together. but when it comes down to it she really is just a kid who got pulled out of time, put in a life threatening situation, and pulled back into the timeline, none of which was of her own volition? and really, nobody gets that the way mei does, even if she gets it in a slightly different way. so tracer spends a lot of time pretending to be Rough And Tough, but mei knows.

almost burns down the kitchen trying to bake: mei is so bad at judging temperatures. the oven will be preheating and be like “hmm, feels a little cold still. let’s amp it up to 80000 celsius!”

sings lullabies to their kids: they both do; tracer has a terrible voice, but she’s very sweet and enthusiastic about it, while mei tends to sing short little songs in a few different languges

morning person vs dead until they get their coffee: when tracer is up, she’s up. time is a very tangible, precious commodity to tracer, and while she can switch up her position in the timeline, she can’t actually change the timeline itself, making it a very valuable constant in her life, too - sort of like a metronome for her life. mei, on the other hand, takes a lot of time to wake up; she usually has to drag herself out from under about 20 layers of blankets.

cries during sappy movies: mei has not seen a single movie thats come out since her cryo. they’re gay cowboys, mei. jake gyllenhaal dies, mei.

wears a billion layers because they get cold easily: actually, as far as this question goes, it’s tracer. mei does wear a ton of layers, but it’s not because she gets cold easily. her body temperature’s been so fucked with at this point that she has barely any concept of the way the climate feels at all. her layers don’t serve any functional purpose - but they drive away the sense of cold, and in particular the sense of frostbite, that she constantly feels. she can’t feel cold, necessarily, but she can feel her own physiological responses to cold, and that scares her, so she just wears layers all the time, just in case. tracer, on the other hand, has like no body fat and is cold EVERYWHERE, poor kid

initiates cuddling: mei the cuddlebug <3

hogs the covers: MEI NO SHE NEEDS THEM. YOU DONT GET COLD, MEI, SHE DOES. M E I

would fall over their own feet while trying to seduce the other: T R A C E R, fucking tripping her way head over heels

junkrat/roadhog

accidentally falls off the bed in the middle of the night: roadhog is a fucking rock, and he tends to use his arms as a Giant Junkrat Cage while they sleep, but sometimes junkrat slips through. he’s a very light sleeper, so he always wakes up and immediately starts complaining.

gives the other piggy back rides: JUNKRAT WILL RIDE HIS NOBLE HOG TO VICTORY

tries to act tough but is really a giant sap: are you kidding me its both of them. roadhog somewhat more than junkrat - junkrat grew up in that environment, so it’s second nature to him, but roadhog grew up in a world with a basic sense of humanity, so while he puts a lot more effort into maintaining his Hardcore TM image, it is also much easier for him to fall back on softer instincts when his boyfriend’s around.

almost burns down the kitchen trying to bake: he doesn’t even have to be trying to bake. junkrat can be standing in the bathroom on the other side of the house and almost burn down the kitchen

sings lullabies to their kids: roadhog doesn’t sing, but he does hum the lullabies his mothers used to hum him. before they’re given custody of any children, he hummed it for junkrat every night, too.

morning person vs dead until they get their coffee: junkrat get going we have places to be. no we can’t stop for coke, junkrat oh my god live without your caffeine for three hours - take your hand off that bomb god dammit

cries during sappy movies: junkrat, sobbing into a handkerchief: SHE SAID NEVER LET GO

wears a billion layers because they get cold easily: neither of them really wear layers; any clothing they get their hands on tends to be more useful in fires than for their actual purpose

initiates cuddling: roadhog just wants his tiny boyfriend to stop fucking squirming around and have a cuddlefest, fucking chill u tiny bean of a human

hogs the covers: roadhog

would fall over their own feet while trying to seduce the other: junkrat is Very Nervous about attempting to seduce roadhog and generally fumbles around awkwardly with confessing until roadhog is finally like oh are you trying to tell me you felt romantically for me? i…..thought we were already dating?? and that was the day that junkrat discovered that they could’ve been making out for years, what the fuck

Man there’s just so many shows with the side character who you think should totally be the protagonist because they’re so hardcore and intelligent, but they’re not, usually cause they’re a girl that the male leader has to prove himself to, and I just…

Lets think of some examples. The Matrix, The Lego Movie (lol), Star Wars maybe, every Assassins Creed since AC2, fucking TMNT, most DC and Marvel stuff including Iron Man, most James Bond films arguably Harry Potter since Hermione has more guts than any of her friends although it was written by a woman, the Running Man which was terrible, the list goes on…

Homestuck parodies this, I think, with its Leadership stuff. Karkat and John are not what you’d call hero protagonists, they are losers, but where most stories would usually build them into ideal warriors, their softness turns out to be the source of their strength and validity as leaders.
While John eventually becomes a good fighter, his personality never changes, and Karkat’s personality just grows even softer while his skills remain shabby. But the fact they’d sacrifice themselves for the team is what counts.

Then you have the more blatant part of the parody; despite being the leaders, John and Karkat take nearly no part in the tactical decisions of their parties. Their role is to make sure everyone doesn’t kill each other. John gets bossed around a LOT and recieves most of his orders from Rose, then the scourge sisters and Karkat, then in B2 he’s sent on Scarfquest.
Whereas Karkat is originally not even assigned a leadership role, so he takes it from a very skilled Terezi, who happily conplies because she’s much more equipped to coordinate from the periphary than the front… Combine this with Blue Team shenanigans, Karkat and Equius are team managers while TZ and mostly Aradia coordinate the gameplay + final battle. Also Kanaya creates the universe with Karkat so there’s that

Then there’s the B2 session which is a convoluted mess when it comes to leadership. Jane is the leader in the same sense John was. Dirk is the leader in the same sense Rose was, with the added Male Protagonist qualities to really rub it in. But as it turns out neither of them are the freaking leader!! Roxy rises to the ranks, despite being the sort of character usually reserved to seconds roles -and presented as such- because, in performing that role of being a peacekeeper, she worked her ass off to keep them together. And that’s what Skaia wants.

So when Vriska, a “more traditional and well equipped” female parody of the male asshole protagonist comes along to usurp Karkat, it turns out Karkat is STILL the Leader in the eyes of Skaia. Because he’s soft, because even if he isn’t good at Machiavellian ploys like the Scourge Sisters, he is far better at peacekeeping than any of them will ever be. Quite a feat since one of them is a goddamn demigod Seer of Mind. Karkat is more powerful than we know, and not for traditional reasons.

But yeah while Homestuck deconstructs all this, most stuff doesn’t emphasise the strengths of its loser protagonists peacekeeping skills, of which they usually have none outside of some random convoluted speech. The side character who is better at that sorta thing and often better at fighting/tactics usually gets shafted from protagdom because they have titties

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Imagine surprising Woozi with a trip back to Busan so that he can spend Lunar New Year with his family.