I’m in the worst mood ever! Good (?) news for you guys though, cause I need an outlet for my rage so prepare yourselves for.. another profanity filled Union update! Keeping it real and fresh as always, aka what Komei has been doing to the litter 24/7 since our lot can barely contain all the cat shit we’re drowning in. We’re halfway thru completing Komei’s lifetime want, 3 cats at the top of their careers out of 6, and it’s only taken a literal lifetime.
So the situation in the house continues to bear an unsettling resemblance to the last days of the Roman Empire. No wonder these cats can’t get promoted when they’re too busy trying to avoid getting killed by Visigoth Victor. We have Victor vs Ronron…
Victor vs Neo..
Victor vs Alegra..
..and Victor vs Roux! I’m starting to suspect that Victor may be the problem here.
Meanwhile Victoria and Komei are having the time of their lives watching the bloodshed! Last time I saw either of them so happy was when they were cheating on each other. Bread and circuses indeed.
One small glimmer of hope appears when Roux gets this insane bonus and then immediately gets promoted!
I’m all like YAAAAS BITCH SLAY, 4/6!!! and then NOT 2 FUCKING SECONDS LATER:
How many times is it now that Neo has gotten fired, cause I’ve literally lost count. Imagine if he wasn’t the ~genius one. Way to disgrace your mother’s name!
I’m so upset by Neo’s fuckery that I take Melody and Gunther out clubbing in the middle of the day to feel better. Ah, so cute ❤
SO. CUTE. ❤
Unfortunately our milf past is back to haunt us.
-Ooooh, hey there, jaibait ;) Look at your girl. Then back at me-
GODDAMMIT GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BRANDI LETOURNEAU. IS THERE ONE NON-PREDATORY ADULT WOMAN IN THIS TOWN
We run into the Count, and Melody has the honor of being introduced to one of Victoria’s lovers, an important rite of passage for anyone marrying into this family. Congrats, Melody! Let’s ignore Daniel’s first kiss, Lakshmi, who seizes the opportunity of Melody turning her back to discreetly merge herself with Gunther, and then spends the rest of her stay furiously heartfarting over him. Jfc Gunther, what do you do, roll around in honey?
-It’s Axe bodyspray ;)
Ugh fuckboi. You better not cheat on Melody, you hear???
I MEAN SHE GAVE US A FUCKING ELECTROSPHERE AS A DATE PRESENT. Thank you Melody! Finally the litterboxes get the lighting extravaganza they deserve.
AND VICTORIA TOPS HER CAREER. TIME TO RETIRE AND LOUNGE AROUND FOREVER ❤
When I tell you guys that Komei wants to bankrupt us I’m not kidding. Ever the practical spirit, the moment we have some extra cash he starts rolling wants to buy $2k stereos and $5k games. GROW UP
This night is a mixed bag, on one hand Vic topped her career, on the other Gunther got fucking arrested while sneaking out with Mel. Thankfully his parents could not give less of a fuck even though both were awake when Dorian diligently returned him.
-This will teach you to walk around with that glorious mane, leaving no woman for us hair-challenged adults, brat! Stay within your age group!
Looking amazing painting in your hot dog uniform!
-Melody forced me to wear it so no one would hit on me..
Melody knows what’s up.
-God, being monogamous for two entire days sure is tough. My mind is racing with all the hot dog pick up lines I could use..
You’re really too young for me to castrate you, so better just try and channel those frustrations into your art.
-I don’t need no drama, I just need some nana, just told my lil’ mama, ‘babe, I think I love you, kinda’ ♪
WRONG ART FORM. GOD. Get it together Gunther, cause if you fuck things up with Mel it won’t end well. For you.
-So Gunther, the other day I was thinking of some professions that would be more realistic than your dream of becoming a legendary artist.. Kid’s party magician popped in mind.
-Ugh, don’t listen to him, Gunther, you can’t abandon your dream! I mean look at your father, he had a dream to see 6 pets top their career.. and 40 years later.. he’s still nowhere near achieving it! HAHA. What a fucking loser you are, dear. God, I can’t believe I married you, what the fuck was I thinking. All I got was stretchmarks and two decades of sleeping next to the overwhelming aroma of cat excrement. In conclusion, Gunther, you and your brothers were giant mistakes.. What were we talking about again?
Yea, seems about right. Komei is, once again, on the verge of aspiration failure, which you know, when is he not. He finally does roll one want I can complete tho..
Cooking competition! I cannot stress enough how much I ignore anything Free Time related, like I’ve been playing this game since I was 10 and I only discovered that special hobby lots exist last year. So yea, this is a first for both me and Komei, but we’re in this together! We submit our specialty, cat hair covered chili..
The competition is fierce. Thank god Komei’s loving family has come along to support him!
-Why are we here again?
-Some of your father’s cat beauty pageant shit or something, who cares.. STOP MOVING YOUR HANDS SO FAST
LOL look at these anxious flops. Our Komei is cool as a cucumber tho! Wtf is a professional chef doing here?? This feels very unfair, they should be in a league of their own. If we lose to her I’m gonna appeal and then burn this place to the ground.
And we’re up first! Is the judge gonna appreciate our secret ingredients of cat hair and saliva???
YAS. A very promising reaction!
LMAO professional chef flops! Bet she didn’t have a trace of pet dna in that cake!
I can’t quite decode this expression, but I think it signifies expectations not being met. FLOP
Yea mte, blondie. Who tf enters salad into a cooking competition? A non-starter if there ever was one!
WE WIN AND WE HAVE THE DICK STICKER TO PROVE IT. GET IT KOMES
I don’t know what you heard about me,
but a bitch can’t get a dollar outta me ♪
No Cadillac, no perms, you can’t see,
that I’m a motherfuckin’ P.I.M.P. ♪
Congrats, Komei! How lucky you are to have your family share in this moment of triumph!
-You won’t believe this mom, but Neo got fired AGAIN
-LOLOL. Wait, why do I have a feeling we’re supposed to be doing something else right now?
-Is it playing more red hands?
We return home, where og weeaboo Tom Cruise/Last Samurai graces us with his presence! Looking good, Tom. Meanwhile Vic has an emotional moment in the rain contemplating the artistic merit of the flamingos. Idk why both she and Komei have become obsessed with them ever since they aged up but it’s pretty depressing. And then, as Komei is soundly asleep, the unthinkable happens…
SIMULTANEOUS FUCKING PROMOTIONS. I wish I had something more eloquent to say about this but the best I can muster is FUCKING. BYE. THE FUCK. I DID IT.
THE NIGHTMARE IS OVER. IT’LL BE A COLD DAY IN HELL IF WE TRAIN A CAT AGAIN IN THE NEXT 9 GENERATIONS. NEVER AGAIN.
AND WE’RE FINALLY OFF TO COLLEGE. GOD. Melody comes over on her own and we have this dramatic moment of Gunther ~passing her by, off to join his brothers at La Fiesta Tech. And to slut it up. Or is he??? I legit don’t know yet, but find out next time in The Unions: College is a Scam.