I say I’m smart but I’m measuring my intelligence in the way I persuade myself that your gazes are meaningless. I should be a lawyer because I’m a pretty good crown prosecutor against myself. I can put the bullet of love right back into the barrel of fear and shoot myself.

I’m also the defence party for your life and I can’t even write to what measures I would go to protect you from me.

Hell I’m the whole damn courtroom.

Either verdict I still lose you.

I wish I could type the transcript without shaking.

I wish I could testify without breaking.

I wish some new evidence from re-trial analyzation would come in and save us because I’m a one party jury with a hard set mind on protecting you and incarcerating love.

—  2:20am

So a little while ago I cut my bangs like emma stone ‘cause why not, but I never posted a photo because they def. did not look like emma stone bangs when I was done.

Then, I’ve been in a really weird funk lately so I felt like I really needed a change so I decided to go back to blonde (my pre-ombre hair days). That didn’t turn out so well either and I probably managed to get through 15+ boxes of hair dye (no exaggeration). The garbage shows my failed attempts and my hair is literally surviving on a prayer.

Also, I was super stressed tonight because I’m leaving for Spring Hill tomorrow for the weekend with my youth teenagers and while I’m super pumped, [of course] I keep panicking over having too much and having too little and having nothing to keep me warm and having too much keeping me warm. 

All in all, life has been crazy all around lately. Broken phone, everything changing in ministry and personally…especially personally, working on some design plans for church, trying to fill out my position as a worship leader—whatever that means, I’m still learning as I go, relationships I’m seeing are no longer glorifying, etc etc etc etc. But I’m believing in this year. It seems like whenever things fall apart God shows me how easy they can be fixed. A friend fixed my phone this week…Last week, due to a random conversation bringing up my broken macbook that’s been dead for two years because of a boiling tea incident, my dad’s coworker said he’d bring it to some guys he knows and they fixed it. Like somehow nothing was damaged, just the battery, and it’s only is costing me about a hundred…Letting go of entirely damaging relationships has left me feeling freer than I have in a long time…I have an opportunity this weekend to meet new people in other ministries for the same purpose of worshiping God together and spending it in community and fellowship…I could keep going. And so no matter how low I feel and how desperate I am, God is always, and I mean ALWAYS, the solution. I think most of life’s negatives are our opportunities to show God in faith with obedience that we’ll trust him even when it’s most difficult and the reward is seen through the harvest of our faithfulness.

He’s always good, even when everything falls apart, He is our constant.
Wait on him.

My Life

Normal: How’s the show?

Me: *stares straight ahead*

Normal: ………………….

Me: *still staring*

Normal: I said, how’s the show?

Me: *recovers*… …the one that just closed, the one that just opened, the one that’s rehearsing, the one in pre-production, the one we’re casting, the one I’m Stage Managing, or the one I’m writing?

Normal: *stares straight ahead*