what is going on am i making this up or are they doing this on purpose WHO KNOWS

I miss you.

It’s 4:07 am. I miss you baby. The thought of you makes me smile. You make me so happy. I love you so so so much. I love you more than you know. Seeing you everyday is something I look forward to. I can’t wait till we are married. I can’t wait to live together and figure out what we’re going to eat for lunch. Or who is going to do the laundry. I can’t wait to go house hunting with you. Look for the sheets for our bed. Or look for our bed! Then wake up to you in our bed. Go to bed with you in our bed. I can’t wait to go grocery shopping with you! It sounds lame, but I just cannot wait to do life with you. I can’t wait to become a mature adult. I can’t wait to figure out what my purpose is with you. I can’t wait to enjoy getting my act together with you. I love you baby. I love you so much. You make me feel so happy. You’re cherished by me baby.

My Own Form Of Writers Block

It’s like another form of writers block. But it takes place in my everyday life. It use to be that someone could come and vent to me and I would know exactly what to say. I could solve the problems and tell them just what they wanted to hear. But lately, it been different, harder even. It seems like everything I say or suggest just makes it worse. making others happy use to be one of the few things that make me happy. but not being able to do that hurts, it’s like I was known for one skill and one skill alone, then I lost that skill. people still come to me. But they are only disappointed. And it hurts, not only them, even with their hopes going up and up only to be crushed under my catastrophic failure, but it hurts me too. My one purpose, gone. I wish I could help. I do like helping. It makes me feel truly happy about who I am. But if I can’t do that, well, what can I do?

I don’t know if it’s just me… or if it’s being done subconsciously or on purpose but I keep getting this sense that he’s trying to make me feel guilty or bad whenever I make my own decisions.

Keep reading

I started this to keep my writing fresh, but lately I have forgotten to write. Is it just me or is life just going by why I am still struggling to even realize what to do with mine? Does my family even really know how hard it is for me to wake up everyday with purpose, to explain to others what I see myself doing in the future? I think sometimes people just ask me what my nonplan is just to make themselves feel like they have it figured out. I know my friends are with me because my screwed up, clumsy mess of a life makes them look good. Haha i think it is quite funny actually that people revolve everything they do around how others portray them. I admit I was one of those people, but now it just seems like that Callista was a completely different person. I don’t know who this new one is yet but I hope I figure it out soon.

subxcarterhall asked:

PM: No, their is one or two idiotic submissives who don't know their place and have spurned up rumors because they created fantasies in their minds. You touch him again and I swear I will kick the shit out of you. Dungeon or no dungeon, I am not going to sit by and watch you hurt someone who has done nothing but love me since the moment I met him. You didn't even try and deny it wasn't on purpose, just defended your hate of him.

PM: One of those “idiotic submissives” is my sister, so watch it. I believe her. I believe what happened, and I will protect people I care about from him. He might have you fooled, kid, and I’m sorry about that, but there’s no way I’m going to sit by and let him get away with what he has. I can’t do much, but I can make his life a lot more difficult. He belongs in jail, Carter.

A lot of people wonder philosophically what their purpose in life is. I’ll be honest, while at times I’ve wondered what my future holds I’ve never doubted my purpose. And I believe a human’s purpose in life is to leave it in someway better than how they found it.

That’s it. I think, in whatever capacity you see fit, that you only have to make one thing better in life and you’ve succeeded. Anything more than that is icing on the cake.

All I’ve ever wanted in life is a home. A place that is always there, filled with people who will always accept me, and a shelter where I am found accountable when necessary and forgiven when not. I have desperately tried to always leave things a little better, to make myself better, and to establish a home.

And so far, I’ve failed.

I don’t know what I do wrong. If you do, honestly, tell me.

You see, I get up, go to work, come home, and wait to do it all again. I don’t come home to a family I care for or who cares for me. I have friends, who live far away and keep in meager contact. My dog, who should rightfully be mine, sticks close to the rest of my family. I have no home, and nothing to come to home to if I did.

My life has always been like this. Wandering from place to place, hoping each would be the last. Hoping I would find the people who make it worthwhile. I’m not much for company, I know that, but I try my best to be my best. To be good.

I always thought that was enough. Learning and evolving and being good. The older I get, the more I deal with my brain chemistry and my bad weeks, the more I realize that being good only impresses one person: yourself. Otherwise, it’s just a matter of finding someone who agrees with you enough, and has enough room in their life, to take you on.

I didn’t grow up anywhere, I grew up everywhere, and finding people who are both…is the most trying thing I’ve ever done.

I also forget that transitioning has changed how people see me. Women don’t trust me, and men expect me to have their experience and ideas. I don’t know how to work that out in my head. I’ve never gotten to know people based on gender. That has never mattered to me. Again, it’s about being a good person, that’s what I’m looking for.

I guess I’m just trying to get through a bad brain week (or month, as it seems to want to be). I just want a home, freedom from a family who refuses to understand me, and friends who do exactly the opposite.

I also kinda wanna break everything in my room, and punch something ‘till I can’t feel my hand so…

Stop being bird police

Please leave the catching of people that are selling raptor and migratory bird feathers and parts to Fish and Game. Even though I think some are jerks who don’t respect art and spiritual culture. Some of us harmlessly pick up feathers on our walks, YES! We know what we are doing is illegal in terms of Fish and Game, but they do not own birds and this is how we express ourselves spirituality. I am friends with retired police and many people who think my hobby is harmless and unless I’m not hurting birds or selling, I’m fine. Fish and Game are almost always after sellers because they are making money off the feathers. So please leave us fellow collectors alone. You are not the bird police, reporting us on online won’t help?.. Just leave us alone unless you’d like to learn about our collections because mine one day will go to educational purposes

whenever I think about my life or think seriously in general i end up feeling like a mess so I close the door of my thought and never go back to it at all

i actually used to think that its a good idea and it will make me be more relaxed and happy

but oh no .. because of that i’ve forgot the most important things in life!

I’ve been living all my life thinking that there’s someone, somebody will actually be here with me, making better life choices for me and make me a better human being! how stupid is that?

i forgot that im responsible for my own acts! and there wont be a person who would fully know what i need and what i have to do in my own life!

now , that i finally realize that i feel miserable and i feel like im not capable of doing anything!

I wanna forget about this too, but for how long? when am i actually going to think more about my responsibilities and run away from this shell?

i too want to make good choices and live a purpose life, instead of doing nothing and blame my useless character for it..


instead of wishing, hoping and praying .. I should do and act my wishing..

but when?how?I’ve got no idea….