what is condom

College Things

- The guy in front of you in class is shopping for a charcoal grill on ebay. why. sir. we have a test next week. 

- Squirrels just….have no fear. None. Only on college campuses though. Are they okay? 

- Finding condoms, packaged and not, in various places. 9 times out of 10, if there’s something inside, it’s not what the condom is supposed to have inside of it. 

- Water balloon condoms. See above. 

- That one guy who wears the same hat every day and you see him every day and you don’t understand why he’s so attached to this hat what is he hiding 

- *single flake of snow appears* “Maybe campus will shut down tomorrow.”

- Campus doesn’t shut down. There’s three feet of snow and the wind chill is below zero. 

- That one corner of the library basement that no one goes to. It smells old and there’s probably a ghost there. 

- When you’re a pedestrian, you hate the cyclists. When you’re on a bicycle, you want nothing more than to run every single person over. 

- You see someone violently acting out a music video with their headphones in. You leave them alone because you were doing the same thing thirty minutes ago.  You hope it goes well for them. 

- Theater majors. Just…theater majors. 

- do the science kids???? ever leave the science buildings???? where do they sleep? 

- There’s a dog. It’s surrounded in seconds by over-caffeinated, under-hydrated students who haven’t slept in three days. 

- you find articles of clothing in really weird places and just. stop caring. glove in a tree? Cool man. Sock on the street? Hope no one needed that. Pants on the stairs of the dorm? Use a condom bro. 

- The dorm lobby television only ever plays sports, news, or The Food Network. No one is ever actually watching what’s on. 

- how are the art students even alive 

- that one professor that EVERYONE on campus knows, even if they have a completely different major than what they teach. 

- there’s a class. you know you had it. you know you have a grade for it. you can’t remember a single second of your time in it. 

- Where did that cat come from? No one knows. It’s always been there. You can’t pet it. Only stare from afar. 

- what is tipping? how does it work? idk tip the pizza guy five bucks for the ten dollar pizza. he looks tired. he’s dying on the inside. he saw a guy naked tonight. 

- Inevitable “pinned condom on the bulletin board goes missing” gag

- Your whiteboard markers are missing again. You put them out yesterday. 

- someone stole an entire skeleton from the science buildings. it got returned a week later without the skull. 

- Vocalist majors. Almost as bad as the theater majors. At least the theater kids don’t sing during breakfast. 

- there’s a piano in the student lounge. no one can play anything but Chopsticks and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. 

- your garbage is four feet tall and has been there for two weeks. you add more to the top. you took the recycling out yesterday.

So I’m starting a series that’s TOTALLY different from what I usually draw… but here we go?? I’m going through and drawing the contents of haikyuu characters’ backpacks!! 

First up (of eight), Oikawa.

2

I bought condoms for the first time and I feel really empowered by it.

I did research. I checked out multiple brands. I decided what was important to me and searched for it.

I used to believe buying condoms was a “man’s job”, but it’s MY job to keep control of what enters my body.

These condoms are completely vegan and the company is Black owned. 20% of the proceeds go toward community initiatives.

Can’t wait to try them out.

Imagine Your Boyfriend Wants to Breed You

(this is for the people asking for fluffier things. My first submission so I hope you enjoy! I love this page by the way!)

It’s dark in the basement bedroom you and your boyfriend share. Youre still tired, and shift a bit, trying to fall back asleep, but a wandering hand causes your eyes to flutter open. Smirking, you roll over to face your boyfriend, and smile at him. “You’re always so handsy in the mornings,” you murmur, your voice still quiet and sleep-filled.

He smiles and kisses you. “I know you like being woken up this way,” he purs. Sighing contentedly, you nod and kiss him back as his hand pushes your shirt up and kneads your breasts, making you moan. You feel him smirk against your lips, and you smile back. You’re so happy with him, and he plays into all of your kinks. You love it.

He pushes himself up and half pins you under him, one hand roving from your breast down to the hem of your shirts. You arch your back in anticipation as he stuffs his fingers into you, gently messaging your clit. Soon, you start whimpering and panting, writhing against his touch. “Oh, look at you. So eager,” he groans against your ear, and you moan his name, spurring him on. “You make me so hard,” he continues as your orgasm builds. You can’t control the noises coming out of you. You’re whimpering and shaking as your abdomen tightens, your eyes glazing over as you lock eyes with him until finally, you explode, digging your nails into his broad shoulders. “That’s it,” he purrs, continuing to finger you. “That’s a good little pet.”

As you come down from the high he’s just given you, he kisses you deeply, and sweetly before helping you undress. Usually you get time to pleasure him by taking him into your mouth and swirling your tongue over his hot, hard member, but he’s too eager this morning. He obviously wants to be inside of you, and You’re fine with that. You cum even harder when he’s pumping himself into you.

As soon as you’re naked, the two of you are scrambling to get his clothes off. He strokes his cock for good measure, but as he kneels in front of you, he’s already leaking precum, and fully erect. You’re wet from being played with already, but even wetter now that you’re watching him become primal, ready to take you. You spread your legs, preparing yourself whilst he gets a condom, but he doesn’t grab one this time. Instead, he presses your legs further apart, and lines himself up with your entrance. You can feel the hot head of his cock just barely pressing into you, and you want to feel it all the way inside of you. You moan, but stay still, knowing his rule.

“Babe, what about a condom?” You ask, nearly breathless.

He slides his large hands up your inner thighs, and you shiver. “I’ve been thinking about your kink,” he says.

“It’s just a kink,” you interject, slightly panicked, but he silences you by pressing himself inside of you, bare, a few more inches. You gasp. “W-we’re not ready–”

He suddenly slams the rest of himself inside of you, and you scream. It feels so good. You’ve never felt him bare before,and your toes curl. He slowly starts sliding in and out of you, kissing your neck. “I know you want to be pregnant. You’ve told me.” He keeps his tortorously slow pace, and you moan, your eyes rolling back. He slides his hand over your stomach. “You went my children growing inside of you, your tits leaking with milk so as they grow you can feed them.” He starts to speed up, and your moans can’t be contained. He’s really going to do this.  He’s going to knock you up. Instinctually, you lock his hips against yours with your legs. “Good girl. Do you want to feel your master’s cock unload inside your fertile womb?”

“Yes,” you moan. There’s no going back. You’re too far gone. “Put a baby in my womb. Please,” you grind your hips up to meet his. “Breed me.”

He groans, and grabs your chin, making you look him in the eyes. “There’s no going back after this,” he groans. His thrusts are steady, and his voice stern. You’re putty under him, moaning and writhing, gripping his shoulders. “I’m going to make sure you’re pregnant,” he growls, picking up the pace. “I’m going to fuck you again and again until you miss your next period.”

“Yes,” you whimper, watching him and in down at you. He licks a stripe between your breasts.

“I’m marking you in the best ways possible. Everyone will know.” He lifted your legs higher, and slammed into you harder, making your breasts sway and your breath hitch. “I’ll breed you,” he snarled. “Over. And over. And over.” His thrusts punctuated every pause, until finally, he stilled. His cock twitched inside of you, sending you over the edge. You cried out, and your Pussy spasmed greedily around his member. “Good girl,” he moaned as his cock spasmed for the sixth and final time.

Wiping the sweat from his forehead, he grinned down at you, and withdrew his cock with a wet pop. You felt his seed slowly run between your thighs and onto the sheets. It was a delicious feeling. You hummed contently and pulled him to you, kissing him. He tangled his fingers in your hair, and pulled back with a grin. “I can’t wait to see you become a mother.” His hand circled your flat stomach. “Watch you grow bigger.” He chuckled and you blushed.

“Are you really going to breed me over and over?” You asked innocently.

He pulled you to his chest, and whispered. “As many times as your body can take it.”

Broken - Part 1

2,500 Followers Drabble

Prompt: “What do you mean it broke?”

Pairing: Jensen x Reader

Requested: @autopistaaningunaparte


If you literally died right in this glorious moment, you’d be totally and completely at peace with that. Still barely able to form a sentence, you’re coming down from the most mind blowing orgasm you’ve ever experienced.

But as your past wonderfully dictates, you should know by now that a good thing never ever fucking lasts.

“No no no.” The alarmed tone of Jensen’s voice immediately yanks you out of the blissful daze you’re lost in.

“What?”

Keep reading

One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)

Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.

Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.

Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.

Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)

Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.

Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.

Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.

Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.

Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.

—  Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” 

anonymous asked:

teen pregnancy bughead??

Okay, here we go! This is slightly AU, I feel like this is at least 6 months after they started dating, possibly to a year. I hope you enjoy.


Teenage Pregnancy


Betty wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, flushed the toilet, and left the stall.

Veronica waited outside with a bottle of water for her. She was looking at her pointedly.

“What?” Betty demanded.

“You know what.”

Betty took a swig of water and spat it into the sink. She accepted the piece of gum Veronica handed her, then washed her hands.

“No, I don’t.” 

“B, that’s the third day in a row you’ve been sick.”

“So?” Betty took a small sip of water, praying she’d keep it down.

Veronica took a glance under the rest of the stalls, checking for feet. After assuring they were alone, she took a deep breath. “Are you pregnant?” She asked.

“Oh my god.” Betty’s face blanched. “No. No, I can’t be. We’ve been safe.”

“Safe in what way?” Veronica murmured.

“Condoms,” Betty blushed.

“Well, those are only 98% effective, my love. When was your last period?”

“Like, a month and a half ago.. two months ago, maybe. I’m not exactly regular, though, Ronnie. I’m not pregnant, I just have a bug.”

Veronica nodded. “Okay, B. Off to lunch, then?”

Betty nodded, shoved the bottle of water in her bag and followed Veronica out the door.

They sat down opposite Archie, Jughead and Kevin.

Veronica bit into the apple on her plate first, immediately joining a conversation between Archie and Kevin about music.

Jughead was stuffing his face with french fries, nodding along.

Betty scooped a plate of potato salad into her mouth. She spat it into a napkin, gagging. 

Veronica looked at her quickly, raising an eyebrow. 

Betty took a few gulps of water, hoping to ease her queasy stomach. 

Betty took out her phone, texting Veronica. Will you go to the pharmacy with me?

Now? She got back a second later.

Now. Please. Betty typed back hurriedly.

Veronica stood up first, placing her apple back on her tray. 

“Where are you going?” Kevin asked lightly. “You just sat down.”

“Girl problems.” Veronica said. 

Maybe it was the fact that it was only three guys at the table, but they didn’t ask questions.

Betty’s face was bright crimson. She stood and walked with Veronica past the packed tables, through the grass, off campus.


“I’m scared, V.” Betty murmured as they pulled open the door of the pharmacy.

“Just breathe. I’ll buy it, don’t worry.” She said as if reading Betty’s thoughts.

They made their way through the aisles, Veronica walking slightly in front of Betty, as if to guard her. She grabbed a two-pack of pregnancy tests and a small bottle of anti-nausea pills, then made their way to the front of the store.

Veronica paid, cocking her eyebrow at the cashier, daring her to make a comment.

The two girls made their way out of the store, Betty holding onto Veronica’s arm. 

“What if I am?” Betty murmured.

“If you am, you am.”

“This is not the time for Sex and the City references.” Betty muttered.

“Sorry. We’ll figure it out, Bets. You gotta take the test first.”

“V?”

“Mm?” Veronica said, patting Betty’s arm.

“Thank you.”

Veronica squeezed Betty’s hand, continuing the walk in silence.

Since they skipped the last few classes of the day, the Cooper residence was empty.

They walked up the stairs, Veronica passing the bag to Betty. They headed directly to the bathroom.

Veronica stopped at the door.

“What are you doing?” Betty asked, knitting her eyebrows together. 

“What?”

“Come in with me.” Betty urged.

“You sure?” Veronica asked.

“Yes,” Betty started, her hands shaking as she started to open the box. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“I’ve never taken a pregnancy test, either, Betty.”

“Read me the back?” Betty said, taking both tests out of the box, handing Veronica the packaging.

She set one test on the ground, keeping the other in her hand as she sat on the toilet, lid down.

“Okay,” Betty breathed. “Okay.” Betty stood, lifted the lid, dropped her pants and sat back down.

“So, hold the white tip under your… stream for at least 5 seconds.That’s basically it. Wait three minutes, then we’ll see.” 

Betty tore open the package, hands shaking. “Can you turn on the tap?” She basically whispered.

Veronica nodded and turned on the tap. She stayed turned towards the mirror to give Betty a little privacy.

“Do you want to take the other one now, too? A little reassurance?” 

“Might as well,” Betty answered shakily. 

Veronica handed the other test to Betty, then turned back around.

“Okay,” Betty whispered after a moment. She stood up, then placed both tests against the sink.

“Three minutes starts now,” Veronica whispered, setting a timer on her phone.

Betty washed her hands. “Veronica I’m going to go crazy, distract me.”

Veronica grabbed Betty’s hand, leading her out of the bathroom. She sat her down on the bed in Betty’s room. “Tell me what you like about Jughead.” 

“What?” Betty said, dumbfounded. 

“You like him, right?”

“Of course I like him,” Betty blushed. “I love him.”

Veronica smiled. “Well, what do you love about him?”

“Where do I start, V? I love the way he treats me. Like there’s nobody else in the room. Like I’m a princess.” Betty looked up, smiling. “I love that no matter what hand he’s dealt in life, he’s kind. He gives people the benefit of the doubt. He’s got these hopes and dreams that.. that for someone else, they might seem so far away. But he’s going to make his dreams come true, V. He’s so smart. He’s so witty.”

“What else?” Veronica asked.

“The way he smells.” Betty laughed. “Is that weird? I love the way he smells. I sleep in his tshirt as often as I can because it feels like home. He knows things about me that I didn’t realize I wanted someone to know. Does that make sense? I guess it’s just because he pays attention, but it feels like… so heart warming. It makes me happy that he pays attention, that I never had to tell him these things. He knows how I like my coffee, and how I like my tea, and when I want which. He knows my favorite movie - both of them. The favorite movie I tell people is my favorite, the favorite that is actually my favorite.”

Veronica laughed.

“He knows my favorite ice cream, my favorite toppings. When I need him to make me laugh or if he shouldn’t say anything at all, and just be my shoulder to cry on. He knows I’d rather have a forehead kiss than a hug, because forehead kisses calm me down.”

Veronica had tears pricking her eyes.

“I love that he’s tall enough for me to hear his heartbeat when I hug him. I love that he references books and movies that most guys our age haven’t even heard of. I just… I love that-” Betty was cut off my Veronica’s alarm.

“It’s time, Betty.”

“That was a good distraction tactic.” Betty murmured. She slid off her bed, grabbing Veronica’s hand.

They walked slowly to the bathroom, Betty’s palms sweating.

“You have to look, I can’t do it.” Betty murmured as they entered the room.

Veronica nodded. “Either way, it’s going to be okay. I promise.” She said before picking up the tests.

“Okay,” She breathed.

Veronica picked up one test, set it back down, then picked up the other to see if it had the same result.

She set that one down, too.

“Well?” 

“It’s positive, Betty. You’re pregnant.”

Betty dropped onto the bathroom floor. “Shit,” She whispered. 

9. First Time

Word Count: 1030.
A/N: This is my first ever writing and I have to thank Taw of @supersoldierslover for being so effing supportive and helping me out a lot by agreeing to take a look at it and correcting it along with giving a few ideas . THANK YOU SOO MUCH . I LOVE YOU !!
Written by: @amrita31199

Originally posted by sensuous

“Ouch…” “Shit. I am so sorry. I didn’t…” “No. It’s fine. Let me just…” you trail off trying to get out of you shirt while simultaneously untangling your hair out of the hook it got stuck in.

“Wow… Um I mean you have nice boobs.” He says awkwardly whispering the last part .You chuckle. “Thanks” you say looking down at the floor. He sensed the uncertainty and inched his hands towards your hips and pulled you close to his chest. He could see that you were nervous. But so was he.

“May I?” he asked when his hands trailed to your back and to the hook of your bra. You nodded. He unhooked it and your hands instantly went to your chest to cover it. He slowly took both your hands in his and brought it to his mouth and kissed them. “You are so beautiful “. You leaned your back onto the bed as he started to kiss your neck and, your throat and finally your lips.  He lips were soft and chapped at the same time. It was sweet at first, both trying hard to hold back, but when he licked your bottom lip you cupped his face to deepen the kiss.

Keep reading

slytherin/hufflepuff relationships

slytherin: MALE

Hufflepuff: FEMALE

(I take requests for other houses/genders/sexual preferences)

  • “I’d offer you breakfast but you didn’t make any”
  • “its okay im not hungry”
  • “WHAT COME ON”
  • *muffled giggling*
  • the babe incident:
  • “okay bye see you tomorrow”
  • *low voice* “okay bye see you tomorrow YOU DIDNT WANNA SAY BABE IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS CALL ME BABE CALL ME BABE”
  • *laughing* “OKAY OKAY BYE BABE I LOVE YOU”
  •  no no no this cannot be happening it just slipped out im sorry
  •  
  •  
  • “did you-”
  • “NO”
  • “im pretty sure-”
  • “NO you must have misheard I said I love… fruit?”
  • *unimpressed* “you hate fruit”
  • “I’ve had a recent revelation that maybe I don’t dislike it as much as I believed.”
  • “I love you too.”
  • blushing
  • bLUSHING
  • BLUSHING
  • BLUSHING
  • shopping for food
    • *picks up lettuce* “this matches my outift”
    • *grabs the first yellow object they see in the cart* “this matches MINE!”
    • *uncontrollable laughter*
    • “what?” *glances at package*
    • *rolling around on the floor*
    • “OH MY GOD WHAT ARE CONDOMS DOING IN OUR CART”
    • *tears rolling down cheek*
    • *blushes profusely and throws box at laughing slytherin*
  • slytherin being too proud to apologise for small things like leaving the fridge door open or the seat up or untidy living room
  • Hufflepuff realising this and not pushing the slytherin to apologise
  • but totally making them apologise for putting cONDOMS IN OUR CART THAT WAS THE MOST EMBARRASSING THING EVER OH MY GOD
  • “say fuck”
  • “what?”
  • “I’ve never heard you swear before. say it.”
  • “no”
  • “come on, L/N, say it. say fuck.”
  • “NO”
  • “I won’t leave you alone til you do.”
  • *picks up book and starts reading*
  • “ughhhhh, come onnnnnnn fuck fuck fuck fuck”
  • “if you don’t shut up ill give you something to swear about”
  • “fuuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkk”
  • *gets up to leave and accidentally knees slytherin in the crotch*
  • “OW MERLIN WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR”
  • “OH MY GOD IM SO FUCKING SORRY LET ME HELP YOU MERLIN ARE YOU ALRIGHT?”
  • *smirking*
  • *rolls eyes and accidentally bumps heads as she bends down to pick up something he dropped*
  • “ouch”
  • “shit sorry”
  • SMALL GESTURES THOUGH
  • slytherin not wanting to be overly romantic because thats not who they are
  • Hufflepuff not wanting to smother them or be overly embarrassing/romantic
  • so it would be things like
    • “I brought you coffee. just the way you like it.”
    • *confused* “hot?”
    • “like your boyfriend”
    • “you weren’t in class today so I brought you the notes”
    • “you forgot to tuck your shirt in and the professor’s coming down the hallway don’t get a detention”
    • “you can borrow my owl. I know yours isn’t great for long-distance flights if you want to send that to your parents”
  • ROASTING EACH OTHER 
  • ALL. THE. TIME
  • “wow the snow is so beautiful”
  • “you know what else is beautiful”
  • “what?”
  • “me”
  • the slytherin finding it so funny that she can roast him and everyone else
  • the Hufflepuff accidentally roasting a professor
  • “are you almost done with that, L/N”
  • “you know what I’m done with? your attitude.”
  • *blankly stares*
  • “OH MY GOSH PROFESSOR IM SO SORRY”
  • only receiving a single detention because the professor found it so utterly hilarious
  • the slytherin wishing he could have been there to see it
  • but all the hufflepuff’s friends were happy to fill him in
  • the slytherin casually dropping into Hufflepuff conversations around the school to just be near the Hufflepuff
  • the Hufflepuff not having the confidence to do the same around Slytherins because she is half-half / muggle-born

I have to stop myself but I have so many more so maybe part 2????

Wicked

Characters: AJ Styles x OFC

Warnings: NSFW, cheating, adultery, influence of alcohol, age gap. If you don’t like this sort of thing don’t read.

Summary: The recent events in AJ’s life have been causing a great amount of stress and he feels like he has nobody to turn to. He also finds something inappropriate that the babysitter left behind and fed up with everything, has to have a little talk with her.

Keep reading

musical theatre quotes with no context

-PAY YOUR FUCKING TAXES BWUH BWUH BWUH BWUH
-how do you get this gold shit off?
-ah mon cher, mon cher, what a foot she has!
-FUCK ME GENTLY WITH A CHAINSAW
-look at my bikini!!!
-the internet is for po/rn
-sAYS THE MEAN OLD MAN IN HIS UNDERTHINGS
-they say he’s got quite a big….. taxi
-lock up your daughters and horses, of course it’s hard to have intercourse over four sets of corsets
-WHY DONT YOU JUST GO FUCK ALL YOUR FUCKING BOOKS?
-our love is god. now let’s go get a slushie.
-i’m just michael. in the bathroom.
-I’M A GENERAL, WHEEEEEEEEE
-i will shut myself in my room, aND TRY ON NEW DRESSES
-you want a box of condoms? what kind?
-IIIIITS FROM JAPAAAAAAAAN
-i never dress for children or peasants
-dear diary: my teen angst bullshit now has a body count.
-SIDDOWN JOHN, YOU FAT MOTHERFUCKER!

Dragon Ball  Z Abridged Sentence Meme

disclaimer: All quotes belong to TeamFourStar, and you should go check them out on youtube!

  • “Did you try working the shaft?”
  • “Did you tell him to work the shaft?”
  • “Blah blah blah, then you slayed the jabberwocky and went to save Narnia.”
  • “I said I was wearing my armor.”
  • “Are you a yoshi?”
  • “Yes, __ , I’m a green fucking dinosuar.”
  • I’ll stop there on my way home and pick up some space eggs, space milk and BLOW IT THE FUCK UP!”
  • “It’d be a real dick move to die right now…”
  • “Yeah, so what if I did? What’re you going to do about it, huh?! Come at me bro!”
  • “That means he doesn’t have a penis!”
  • “Oh trust me, I know what it’s like to take a hard one to the face.”
  • “I like my penis where it is, thank you.”
  • “I am a woman!”
  • “Immortality is my bitch.”
  • “Pretty big talk coming from a bipedal slug.”
  • “Pretty big talk coming from a bipedal bitch.”
  • “Wanna go drive cars?”
  • “Bitching.”
  • “Oh god no, my marujuana patch!”
  • “We’re gonna get panties! …I mean immortality.”
  • “Ah ha, so nudity makes you stronger on this planet!”
  • “I’m not a goddamn Yoshi!”
  • “NERD!”
  • “It’s nothing. I’m just…having an aneurysm out of sheer stupidity.”
  • “Take that, you insufferable, fucking simpleton!”
  • “Face down with another man beating your ass–is it Wednesday already?”
  • “They keep kicking me in the dick…why…why do they keep kicking me in the dick?”
  • “And this is ___ . He was a prison bitch.”
  • “I once had a crush on a little Indian boy that I thought was a girl.”
  • “That is ten pounds of nope in a five pound bag.”
  • “Well, sir, if you’re having trouble with our customer support, you can call 1-800-Eat-A-Dick.”
  • “Oh, I’m sorry, I’m usually far more composed. I’m just a little bit absolutely livid.”
  • “That’s stupid. You’re stupid! STOP BEING STUPID!”
  • “Come on guys! We could use whales. Whales!”
  • “This is easily the second worst hole I’ve ever had in my chest.”
  • “I’m about to misuse my hand upside your head.”
  • “First, immortality. Then, the bitches.”
  • “What the fuck’s a condom?”
  • “It’d be really nice to wake up in the morning, press a button, and have muffins.”
  • “Aww! Look, it’s ___ ! You wanna biscuit, boy? You wanna biscuit?”
  • “Of course not! I’m fucking evil!”
  • “They make a special shampoo for that, I hear.”
  • “I have a bitch of an itch on my left ass cheek.”
  • “He’s kind of a tool…for my amusement!”
  • “I don’t what this [name] thing is, but it sounds disappointing.”
  • “Every party needs a pooper that’s why they invited you.”
  • “This is why we need TV!”
  • “All these squares make a circle…all these squares make a circle…”
  • “He/she just dropped a milk jug of LSD. I don’t even know where he got it.”
  • “Listen up, maggots.”
Bestfriends - Tate Langdon Smut

Requested: kinda ish but i kinda changed the plot bc the idea of best friend tate makes my vagina hurt (send me more requests)
Type: fluffy smut
Summary: you’ve recently moved into “Murder House” and quickly become very close with your neighbor Constance’s son, Tate. au where you’re having a sleepover with bestfriend!Tate when you accidentally make him hard and end up having hot sex with him

!!!!IMPORTANT!!!! this is predeath Tate, so he’s alive.
✿ ❀ ✿ ❀ ✿ ❀
Moving into a new town, new house & new school seems scary, but not as scary as finding out you’re living in the acclaimed “Murder House.” The good thing that happened sine you moved in was Tate. He was your neighbor’s son, an from the moment you first saw him when you were helping yoour mom unpack the moving truck, you had to admit you had a little crush on him.

…Or, maybe not so little. Okay, so you had a huge crushon him. The first time you saw him, you guys had very awkward eye contact, before he smiled as his cheeks flushed bright red. He started walking over to you and asked if you needed help unpacking.


“Oh, that’s very sweet of you, but I’m sure you’ve got other things to do. I wouldn’t wanna bore you with this junk all afternoon.”


Tate laughed and introduced himself. “I’m Tate, I live next door.”


“Y/N,” you replied with a smile.


Tate immediatey turned towards the truck and grabbed a box with your name scrawled on the side in Sharpie. “So, Y/N, why don’t ou show me where your room is?”


The two of you had spent the day bonding over your shared music taste, and even when the unpacking was finished, you and Tate ended up having so much fun that neither of you wanted him to go.


And, lucky enough, you had a couple classes together in school. Which was great for both of you, considering that Tate didn’t have a lot of friends either (which you really didn’t understand). And now, here you were, two months later, and the two of you were inseperable. So every day the two of you would walk to school, eat lunch together, and then walk home together. And on most days, you’d go to one of your houses and do your homework together. The two of you would sit together and listen to bands like Nirvana and Blink-182 while you did your homework. Occasionally you’d even end up in a position that most people would call cuddling– sometimes just sitting with your arms wrapped around each other or laying with your head in the crook of his neck, or even spooning. But so far the two of you were just friends. And although you maybe wished it was more than that, you didn’t want to push anything.


Today, Friday, Tate met you at your locker after your last period. “Hey,” he smiled, leaning up against the wall. “Do you wanna go to mine today? My mom’s out of town with some guy this weekend.”


“Sure. Can I spend the night? My mom’s working late, and I’ll be bored without you.”


Twenty-ish minutes later, the two of you arrived at Tate’s house. You laid back on his bed while Tate put in a movie. He danced goofily on his way bak to the bed as the opening music came on, and you let out a giggle and opened your arms towards him in a “stop being an idiot and come cuddle with me” gesture.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


A while later, your eyes slowly cracked open, and you turned in Tate’s bed to look at the clock. 7:30. ‘We must have fallen asleep during the movie,’ you thought. You probably weren’t going to go back to sleep soon, but you figured you may as well change into what you were going to sleep in if you weren’t going anywhere in between then. You glanced over at Tate, who was still passed oout on the bed and shrugged. He wouldn’t mind if you changed in here, rght? I mean, he is asleep after all.


You pulled one of his T-Shirts out of his dresser, and started undressing yourself. Just as you pulled off your jeans and unclasped your bra, Tate rubbed his eyes and slowly turned over.

“Oh, shit, sorry,” you said quickly, holding the T-Shirt in front of your chest. “I thought you were asleep.”


“I-I, uh, sorry, I didn’t mean to-” he stumbled with his words, but you just giggled in response.


“Don’t worry about it.” You turned to face the wall, and pulled the shirt over your head. It went down to about mid-thigh on you,so you skipped pants. You walked back over to your side of the bed, and climbed under the covers. “Spoon me.”


“Um…” he looked nervous, but you weren’t sure why. You’d had sleepoers before, and you usally slept in jut one of his shirts if you were at his house. Plus the two of you cuddled all the time, so you weren’t sure what the problem was. “Uh, o-okay.”


You turned away from him, and he put his arms around your waist but didn’t let his body touch your backside. You frowned, and scooted back until your back was flush against his chest. “Oh my god, wait, do you have a boner?”


You turned around so you were facing him, laughing a little bit. “Stop laughing Y/N, it’s embarassing. Besides it’s not my fault the girl I have crush on decided to get almost naked right in front of me.”


You cuddled in closer to him and put your arm around his waist. “Just shut up and kiss me already.” You whispered. Tate slowly leaned in and pressed his lips to yours softly. His hands tangled into your hair and a few minutes later, the two of you were having a full out makeout session. You straddled him, careful not to break the kiss, and noticed his boner was even more prominent now. “Do you wanna… you know?”Tate bit his lip. “I do, b-but only if you want to. I haven’t really, um, done this before.”“Me neither,” You responded shyly, “but there’s no one else I’d rather be with for my first time.”

“Me too.” Tate smiled, letting one hand rest on your hip and the other one push a strand of hair behind your ear. You pulled your (well, his) shirt over your head, and you could feel your cheeks flushing. Even though he’d seen your bare chest just a little bit earlier, it was only for a second, and no one else had ever seen you like this before.


One corner of his mouth lifted up in a smile, “You’re so beautiful, Y/N.” You leaned down to kiss him in response, tugging at the bottom of his shirt as a hint that he should undress too. He gingerly lifted you of of him and placed you gently on the bed. He stood up to undress, so you slid your panties off and tossd them with the rest of your clothes.“Oh, wait,” Tate mumbled, reaching into his nightstand for a condom.


“What, you expected this to happen?” you aske with a laugh.


His face flushed and you could tell he was embarassed as he answered, “Well, no, I-I just have the ones they give you at school… You know, just in case.”Once Tate was sully naked and had the condom on, he climbed on top of you, careful not to hurt you, and lined himself up with your entrance. “Are you sure you still want to, baby?”“Yes, I’m completely sure.” You assured him, wrapping your arms around his neck and your legs around his waist.


Tate planted a kiss on the tip of your nose, and then started pushing into you. “You doing alright?”“Mhm,” you replied. You’d expected it to hurt more, but it was just kind of uncomfortable at first. “You can start moving.”


Tate started slowly, scattering kisses all over your collarbones and breats as he went. You could tell Tate was holding back so as not to hurt you, so you let out a quiet moan to encourage him. His eyes widened a bit and he bit his lip as he started to quicken his pace. You could feel a buzzing feeling start in the pit of your stomach, and you bit your lip to try and keep quiet.Tate must have noticed, because he mumbled, “Don’t hold it in, baby. I wanna hear all your pretty sounds.” 

Feeling your orgasm close, you reached down to your clit, and let out a loud groan. Tate started going harder and faster, noticing you were close, and you . “Cum for me, princess.” Soon after, Tate moaedn against your chest as he released into the condom. The feeling made your nails scratch down his back and your toes curl as you came right after.


The two of you laid there together for a few minutes, sweating and panting, and not sure what to do next. He rolled off of you, pulled the cover over both of you, and wrapped his arms around you. Tate turned onto his side and rested his head on his hand. “You feel alright?”

You smiled and tunred to fac him. Never been better.”“Good.” he responded. You cuddled into his chest, breathing in his scent, and closed your eyes.


“I… I, um…” you barely heard Tate say. You looked up at him, confused. “I love you Y/N.”

“I love you too, Tate.” you smiled. “Now go to sleep, we gotta get up bright and early for a round two.”




hi guys !! im not sure if this is quite what you wanted but im not v good at wrting fluffy smut bc im a kinky little shit lmaooo anyway i hope this was ok!! and guess wHAT! IM FINISHING UP PART 4 OF KIDNAPPED RIGHT AFTER THIS, ITS TAKEN 6 MONTHS TO GET AROUND TO IT LMAO BUT ITLL BE POSTED TONIGHT! (if u wanna know when its posted u can turn my notifs on or shoot me a message and ill message u when i post it!!!) xx -l

anonymous asked:

you mentioned the mama video being sketchy in one of your tags, why? would you mind sharing your thoughts? it's perfectly fine if you prefer not to though!!

Well, it’s another one of those videos that I watch religiously so..

Just a disclaimer, everything I personally find sketchy is things I see at face value and things that everyone sees so it probably not that interesting. I don’t really squint at the background and be like “OMG THERE’S A WRAPPER. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. CONDOM.”, because that just takes so much effort and idk how some of you guys do it XD

Anyways, I just keep watching this because it’s cute it just makes me think things lol. First of all, JIMIN AND JUNGKOOK ARE ACTUALLY IN A HOTEL ROOM TOGETHER *gasp* irrefutable evidence this time, js. And it’s just the two of them no one else ^^ 

And then I started asking questions like: why is jimin’s voice like that? why are they in the washroom ‘practicing’? were they practicing that hard? what were they practicing? WHERE DID JUNGKOOK’S SHIRT GO (AND WHY)? why did they even start filming in there? who was at the door? why was it cut? why is just the two of them in the first place?

and why. why did he have to look at him like that:

too soft for my cold heart plz

anyways, when they both ran to the big window window and jungkook was being all cute and shiet and they were like “Wow, the Hong Kong view is so nice…” “…yeah” and then Jungkook just sat down on the bed seeming quite pleased with himself and idk it just felt like something I would write in my fanfics and it just felt so warm and intimate ^///o///^

tl;dr jimin and jungkook are in a hotel room together. that’s it. that’s the sketchy. lol

Funny How It Goes

Written by: @thestuckinbed

Prompt 26: A drabble where Peeta is from the Seam and Katniss is a Merchant but he’s still the one with the crush??? Sorry if it’s too specific ahah i just never read something quite like that ” (sent to me many moons ago via anon). [submitted by @titaniasfics]

Rated: T (for mention of underage sex and prostitution)

Author’s Note: I got a late start and this got out of hand, so it’s going to be the first part of a new wip(!). This is unbeta’d and there are verb tenses that I’m not sure how they got there. I don’t own the Hunger Games. Thanks for reading :)

Keep reading

Six Steps ~ Chapter Three

A Byun Baekhyun Playboy & childhood friend AU

Requested by baekmuffin

Genre: Angst // Smut (later on)

Member: Byun Baekhyun

Summary: (of this series) As childhood best friends, you and Baekhyun were and are close in every way possible. Except for the fact you unfortunately have feelings for him and he happens to never look at you that way. What happens when he does?

Summary: (of this chapter) Okay. I love Sangmi too much so she appears in this chapter quite often. Also Baekhyun will be very…confusing this chapter. There’s a reason for that though ;)

{Chapter one} {Chapter two} {Chapter four} {Chapter five, coming soon}



“They have Sangmi.” he says.

“Because she could totally replace you as a teacher.”

“She’s a better one than me. Don’t leave yet, please.” he begs.

“What? Hurry, I can’t be late going back to work.”

“Thank you. I appreciate you a lot.” he says sincerely.

“Baekhyun?” you ask.

“Yes, my lady?”

“Do you love me?”

He pauses. “I think you already know the answer.”


You look into his eyes and see the answer. 

He does love you.

But something is holding him back.

You can see it. His struggle with his love for you and his other struggle. What is that other struggle? And why is he struggling with it?

“Hey…” he asks.

“Yes Baekhyun?” 

“I’ll see you at home. I…I have a class to teach.” he says awkwardly, turning around and walking away, leaving you there.

That’s it? He’s just going to leave you there? Why is he suddenly so…distant?

Keep reading