Call what we had an oil spill. Call what we
had dirty laundry. Call how I pulled your face
from the concrete that evening when you wanted
a vehicle to tear open your body like Thanksgiving
dinner, manipulation. Call my name now and you
will not hear an exaltation, but a eulogy of every
negative aspect you can relate to a relationship.
Call your anger venting when we both know it
is you accepting the destruction of your own being.
Call what you and your new girl have pure spring water.
Call what you feel for her awakening. Call it revelation.
Call it enlightenment. Call what we shared poisonous;
ivy crossed with stinging nettle crossed with
nightshade. Call this disastrous persona you
carry something holy. Call yourself beginning anew,
and ending later. Call yourself magic; all starlight and
coal turned diamond. Call our ending the meteor that
avoided colliding with your planetary body. Call my
name a singe against your skin. Call your absence
blessing. Call this end retribution. Call her name
poetry incarnate. Call my aura an alarm you never
learned how to switch off after my leaving. Call this final.
So I’m running my game as usual, and for this session, the party was mugged on the side of the road and had to chase the thieves into a thick forest to their hidden fortress. After a long period of nothing but falling into pitfall traps around the perimeter and finally breaking into the walls of the fortress without being caught. My paladin, in an angry huff, goes over to the front door, but after rolling a perception check, realizes it’s painted on:
“I roll to lick the painting.”
“I’m gonna roll to lick the painting. (Rolls) I got a 3, what happens?”
“You lick the painting. It tastes of forest berries…”
“You become severely intoxicated.”
At that point, our paladin, in a woozy rage, breaks a window, climbs through it, tromps on to the mess hall where the thieves are celebrating their newest haul. With absolutely no hesitation, he busts through the door (FILLED WITH 37 THEIVES AND THE TWO MAIN BOSSES) and yells “I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!”
Of course a fight ensues with the party in tow, our rogue ends up beheading one of the bosses. At the conclusion of the fight, our (still slightly intoxicated) paladin grabs the bleeding severed head and *SHOVES IT INTO HER HUSBAND’S (the other boss’s) FACE*, Screaming “IT’S YOUR FAULT THIS HAPPENED, NOW REPENT, O SINNER!”
So I’ve seen a lot of posts going around in the tag about humans eating hot sauce and drinking alcohol, and those are super neat. But we can take it up a notch. Because the fact is, the diversity and tolerance of the human diet is OBNOXIOUS, even by Earth standards.
Building off of the fact that people eat hot sauce- we actually eat a lot of spices. Yes, that means pepper, cumin, paprika, and other things we consider “hot” and “spicy”. But this category also includes things like vanilla and nutmeg, which are sweet, and peppermint, which creates a cold sensation. If you expand your seasonings to include herbs, we can also consider things like lavender, rosemary, and sage. Now, most of these have something in common besides being popular seasonings. The compounds producing flavor are intended to be defensive mechanisms against herbivory. That’s right. We eat plants actively producing toxic and deterrent compounds all the time, plants that other animals won’t touch, not for sustenence, but for FLAVOR.
There are furthermore actual foods, including staple crops, that we do eat for sustenance that are toxic or deterrent to other animals. Read: tomatoes and potatoes. Along with eggplants and peppers, these are members of the nightshade family. You know what else is a member of the nightshade family? NIGHTSHADE, one of the deadliest plants on earth. Also, tobacco and belladonna. Nightshade plants invariably produce some form of alkaloid, which is usually bitter and can have metabolic or neurological effects on the body. Most animals that prey on members of the nightshade family are specialists adapted to tolerating whatever alkaloids are in their plant of choice. But humans? Nah, we can just eat anything.
We can tolerate an incredible range of acidity in our food, too. Do you know what citric acid is on the pH scale? 2. Of course, in the fruit or in juice the solution incorporating it is diluted closer to 3, but that’s still orders of magnitude more acidic than neutral water, which is a 7, and more acidic than our own stomach acid by a factor of 10.
Also, pineapple produces lysomic enzymes that literally digest you back. The enzymes break down the lining of your mouth as you eat them. That’s why pineapple makes your mouth tingly. But humans, we don’t care.
Let’s not forget, finally, that a sizable subset of the population is able to digest milk from an entirely different organism. And a good portion of the rest, the lactose intolerant humans, ingest milk products anyway because they taste good. We do this despite that fact that no other adult creature drinks milk, let alone from a source outside their own species.
Edit: It has come to my attention that stomach acid does not in fact have a pH of 4, it has a pH of 1.5-3.
can you sort the percy Jackson characters into Hogwarts houses?
okay so let’s all remember: Gryffindor- ‘courage, bravery, nerve and chivalry’, Hufflepuff -‘hard work, patience, justice and loyalty’, Ravenclaw- ‘intelligence, creativity, learning and wit’, and Slytherin- ‘ambition, cunning, leadership and resourcefulness’.
Annabeth Chase- Ravenclaw, she’s definitely one of the easier ones when it comes to this. While she would fit nicely into other houses, her intelligence and wit are almost always what saves her ass. She’s a great fighter but she prefers talking her way out of situations, disarming her enemies with words. Not to mention she had Arachne weave her own trap on the spot, like, come on.
Thalia Grace- Slytherin. She could definitely fit into Gryffindor, but Thalia’s very ambitious, resourceful as hell, and her fatal flaw is literally being power hungry. She slides into leadership roles automatically and gets enraged when someone tries to question her authority or ability (see: all her fights with Percy, ever). She’s definitely most at home in this house.
Luke Castellan- Hufflepuff. He’s literally a poster boy for the puffs before he joins Kronos. ‘But wait,’ you say, ‘he should be Slytherin, he was cunning and resourceful and leading Kronos’ army!’ NO HE WASN’T. He was following Kronos’ orders and acting like a mouthpiece 90% of the time! Luke had a strong sense of loyalty- and it was used against him. He had a strong sense of justice- and he felt everyone the gods wronged deserved that. He was a hard worker and crazy patient as a camp counselor and those traits came into play when he was working for Kronos. This boy is a Hufflepuff. He also personally recovered Kronos’ remains, so, like, he’s even a particularly good finder.
Grover Underwood- Hufflepuff. Honestly I shouldn’t even really have to explain this one, but: there’s a reason Pan chose him as a replacement. Grover puts his literal everything into whatever task he’s given, whether that be searching for pan, restoring the wild, or protecting demigods. Unfailingly loyal, extremely patient with all the ridiculous demigods around him, and always willing to fight for what’s right even if he’s scared. I love my hufflepuff goat boy!!!
Rachel Elizabeth Dare- Gryffindor. She’d fit in so well in Ravenclaw, to the point where I wanna say ‘fuck it’ and put her there, but like…this girl found out the boy she had almost died around twice was half god and immediately believed him and went Ride Or Die for him. She lead a bunch of potentially crazy strangers through the freaking death trap maze on a hunch that she could. She highjacked a helicopter and flew it into a warzone to help her friend. She let an ancient prophetic spirit posses her body even though she knew the last person who tried lost their mind. She hit the titan lord Kronos in the eye with a plastic hairbrush, and then immediately decided that hairbrush was the only weapon she would ever need to defend herself with, even though everyone else around her has swords or fangs. This girl is batshit crazy impulsive and filled to the brim with nerve, Gryffindor is where she belongs. I love her bye.
Bianca di Angelo- Gryffindor. She was always a little more hesitant than the others, but when push came to shove she always took risks to do what she thought was right. My baby was brave as hell okay.
Zoe Nightshade- Slytherin. She was a great leader for centuries, and dreamed big for the future of the hunters even when she knew she was going to die. Was literally one of the most pulled together people in this entire series. Resourceful as shit. She was also very set in the ways of her past, a common trait among slytherins- she just couldn’t bring herself to care about the mortal world outside of when it directly effected her, and often put up a fight when she had to conform to it. Slytherins are also often very loyal to their own, and, well, we all remember how her story ended. She would do anything for Artemis. I’m literally still crying over her okay bye.
Nico di Angelo- Hufflepuff. I will not stand for all these slytherin Nico posts any longer, guys!!! This boy is a hufflepuff!!!!! Holy shit!! Okay, like, the slytherin traits? He hates leadership, his only ambition is to not have severe depression, and??? cunning??? This fucking loser cunning???? Like, sure, he hid the camps from each other but like…not well. Everyone knew he was hiding something, just no one bothered to press him on it that hard lmao. And he doesn’t do ANYTHING for his own personal gain. He belongs in hufflepuff- Nico is loyal to a fault. He’s been double crossed so many times because it just didn’t occur to him that people would take advantage of him, because he personally would never do that to someone. Nico di Angelo has every reason under the sun to want to betray the gods and he just…doesn’t. He never even considers it for a second, because he has a strong sense of right and wrong, and even if he feels like an outsider at camp that’s still the place where his loyalties lie. Percy, as a narrator, has had moments where he’s been suspicious of Nico’s motives, but he’s never once doubted Nico’s intent. He doesn’t always know if he can trust Nico as a friend but he’s absolutely sure Nico will always be an ally. Nico’s an incredibly hard worker even if he doesn’t let it show to the others, but he’s always pushing himself to his absolute limits to help. And like, again, half the time he doesn’t actually have to work so hard to help, some people never really even expect him to help at all- but he goes out of his way because he knows it the right thing to do. He holds grudges and lashes out in anger because his sense of justice is almost overpowering. This kid is a hufflepuff and I’ll actually fight you on it.
Ethan Nakamura- Gryffindor. He’s…really hard to place, honestly, but I think this spot fits him better than slytherin. Even if he was misguided, he was very brave and had a lot of nerve.
Charles Beckendorf- Gryffindor. This boy was literally everything Godric Gryffindor had in mind when he created the house. He’s a Gryffindor wet dream. Had a lot of nerve, was a big brother to basically everyone in camp, and readily sacrificed himself for the greater cause. My brave boy I miss him.
Silena Beauregard- Hufflepuff. She was extremely loyal, even if she put her faith in the wrong people at points. Sacrificed herself trying to do what she knew was right. Very hardworking and always willing to help anybody. I love her sm.
Clarisse LaRue- Slytherin. Literally who’s more ambitious and resourceful than Clarisse. Who loves taking charge more than Clarisse. No one. No one at all. This girl is 100% Slytherin and she kicks ass doing it.
Will Solace- Hufflepuff. He tries so hard to help people!!! Patient enough to help Nico work through his shit!! Unfailingly loyal to his ridiculous father!!! Never shown to be anything other than a sweet guy who just wants to do good in the world. This goofball sunshine is precious.
Jason Grace- Hufflepuff. Jason often finds himself in positions of power, even though he hates being in power, just because he’s the only one people know they can trust 100%. And he does it without complaining, and does everything he can to make sure everyone he’s working with is doing okay. He acts all stoic to try to make people feel more protected but this fucking dork is always stressed, Ride Or Dies for everyone he knows and if you ask him to describe any of his friends he’ll probably tear up while singing their praises to you. He works SO HARD to make sure everything is going okay, and strongly believes in teamwork. He’s patient enough to deal with, like, everyone he’s ever encountered, and always does what’s in the best interest for others. Speaks up to his father about honoring the forgotten gods because he knows it’s what’s right. A total screaming dork and I love my boy.
Piper McLean- Gryffindor. Like…half of her character arc is dedicated to her learning to be brave and fighting for what’s right. You need a lot of nerve and power to work charmspeak as well as she does, and she’s always ready to pull some ridiculous stunts. She starts out somewhat panicked and timid, but once she starts to grow she realizes that if anything’s gonna get done, it’s because she has to have the balls to do it herself. Will throw herself into dangerous situations, and is fiercely protective of her loved ones. Literally ran into a temple of fear and terror and??? Completely conquered it and took over and used it to wreck a giant???? This girl is a brave badass and nobody should ever mess with her MY GIRL.
Leo Valdez- Ravenclaw. He??? Is literally a prodigy child??? Like I’m sorry I’m just so sick of people downplaying Leo’s intelligence. He understood complicated mathematics and basic engineering before he hit double digits. He captured and fixed Festus all by himself, in one night, when his entire cabin had been trying to do that for months. He found out he was a demigod and threw himself into studying ancient greek history. He designed the entire Argo, is the only person who can fly it and fully understands how it works, and is also the sole person who keeps it up and running with repairs. He figured out how the spheres work in record time, he’s always able to work out complicated riddles or problems. Remember that time he was about to crash into the ocean and he??? Taped the sphere to his chest and built a functioning personal helicopter to steer and soften his crash in like…under three minutes? That time he casually strolled into a grocery store and got all the stuff he needed to make a bomb in half an hour? He’s always making really little inventions that seem silly but are actually incredibly helpful? He’s hyper and goofy, sure, but Leo’s literally a genius. He’s incrediblely creative and fast thinking, loves learning and is always excited by new things. Please give my boy the credit he deserves.
Hazel Levesque- Hufflepuff. Hazel is honestly SO HARD to sort because she’d be a model Gryffindor honestly but like…She didn’t have to sacrifice herself to stop Gaea, but she did anyway because she knew it was the right thing to do. She sacrificed eternal happiness because she knew it wasn’t fair for her mother to suffer. She has a very strong sense of justice and is always willing to fight for it. She’s always giving her 110% when she’s working at anything, be it practicing magic or sword fighting, and it really pays off. She deals with her failures with grace and is unwavering when it comes to the people she loves. Queen.
Frank Zhang- Gryffindor. Literally his Whole Thing is that he has to be brave because he never knows when he’s gonna die. He’s always going to make sacrifices and fight for the people he cares because he’s set on burning bright. He’s got a lot of nerve, he just needs to be pushed to remember its there. A good leader whether he believes he is or not. Even when he’s not feeling confident, courage and bravery are the traits he admires and values most, and that’s what he wants to shoot for. I miss this teddy bear so much.
Reyna Avila Ramirez-Arellano - Gryffindor. Like…come on. This is one of the easier ones. She’s one of the most courageous people in the series. She has enough inner strength that she can lend it all to an entire army. She found the bravery to stand up to her father in defense of her sister. She survived being captured by pirates. She threw herself on top of a bomb to protect the Athena Parthenos. My girl is a custom made Gryffindor.
Calypso- Ravenclaw. She loves learning more than anything else, she’s super creative and ingenuitive, and is taking steps to learn magic again. High hopes for this girl I love her.
Octavian- Slytherin. Doesn’t need much explanation tbh. Very cunning, very ambitious, very power hungry. Willing to do anything to get his way. Remember that time he like, scammed Apollo and then further scammed his camp into basically making him pope??? Wild. I don’t miss him.
Meg McCaffrey- Gryffindor. She’s pretty hard to place but she’s arguably one of the braver characters, even if she doesn’t believe she is. She gets nervous and scared a lot but she’s often able to push past that and stay strong. Back talks everyone under the sun because she barely gives a fuck. At the end of the day she knows what’s right and wrong, and she wants to help.
Percy Jackson- Ravenclaw. Listen. Let me explain. First of all, Percy is SO HARD to place and I completely understand all the ridiculous discourse over whether he’s Gryffindor/Hufflepuff/Slytherin, but I NEVER see cases made for Ravenclaw Percy and I think it’s a travesty, because he’d fit in there quite nicely. So, listen, I know the boy has a bit of a bad rep for being slow, but like…most of the time he really isn’t? It’s just one of those things that got exaggerated. Percy’s a very observant person, he just doesn’t exactly always let the other characters know that. He’s not a straight A student, but we do know he’s not awful- a lot of times there will be moments where he directly goes “hey, I remember learning something like this in school!” and applies whatever it is to the situation. Some of his plans have been crazy or ridiculous, but they are creative, usually have some kind of logic behind them, and do often work out for him- when they had to get off the Thrill Ride O’ Love, when he used Thalia’s shield as a sled for them down a hill, when he pulled a stunt similar to that trying to get to camp Jupiter, when he somehow made a pulley system out of chains and pulled his giant half brother off the ground, stuff like that. Like Annabeth, he’s also very good at talking his way out of situations- he doesn’t always like to, but he can absolutely pull it off when he needs to. He’s a very smart talker, honestly, there are multiple instances of him managing to manipulate others into doing what he wants them to (not just the scene with Bob, which gets the most attention bc it was outside of his pov). He’s incredibly witty, in both definitions of the word, and often times it works to his advantage because other characters downplay his intelligence. He has a good sense for battle strategy, and he’s incredibly perceptive about his surroundings, often times picking up on things the others (even Annabeth!) miss. He has a strong intuition and things usually work out when he follows it. There’s more I can use to back this up but this is already long enough, point is- I think Percy is just an unconventional Ravenclaw. Like, upon meeting him you don’t immediately understand why he’s in that house, but it becomes clearer the more he opens up, like Luna, I guess? Anyway, I love my boy and he’s very smart please give him some credit.
ITS MIA! YOUR (hopefully) FAVORITE DRARRY FRIEND. I have come for a rec request, and you, the rec queen, are my first choice ALWAYS. Okay so I need to start reading some longer fics again but not like INSANELY long. decent length. Preferably with lots of smut. And when one of them is really flirty and it makes the other one all flustered. Or if they're forced to or end up living together. PINING?! JUST CUTE AND HOT OKAY EMMA I LOVE YOU
Miaaa, I am so excited to do these recs for you! It has been a struggle to narrow them down to these. So, while all of these don’t fit all the prompts, they all have at least one of them, and they’re all fics that I think you’ll enjoy~
• Strange Bedfellows by ravenclawsquill (30k) When Harry encounters a frail and fidgety Draco Malfoy at the Ministry, he just knows something is wrong and he’s determined to get to the bottom of it. A story about Deadly Nightshade, crippling insomnia, excellent wine … and finding what you need in the strangest of circumstances. (I love this one, we have Drarry ending up living together, they’re all domestic and goofy and it’s wonderful. It’s dealing with some darker themes, too.)
• Never Feel the Burning Light by carpemermaid (48k) When it falls to Draco to restore his family name to its former glory the road ahead of him is long, but with Harry Potter’s help and a plan that is just this side of ridiculous he just might succeed at accomplishing his goals and getting what he wants. What neither of them plan on is falling in love along the way. (THE PINING IN THIS GODDAMN. Fake relationship, living together, UST, great writing, casual intimacy, bits of heartbreak, all kinds of loveliness.)
• The Critiquer by dysonrules (24k)
When Harry submits his cock photo to a renowned Cock Critiquer and gets a terrible review, he decides to take a photography class to improve his skills.
(This one is hilarious, I was cracking up so bad, and Harry is so determined to get it right it’s amazing. Snarky Draco, flustered Harry–so much yesss.)
• Lessons in Humility by playout (86k)
After the dissolution of his marriage and a good bit of soul-searching, Harry returns to Hogwarts as the new Defense teacher. Go figure, it happens to be the same year Draco takes over the role of Potions Master. Neither man is happy about this turn of events. Will they be able to set aside their differences and learn a thing or two about trust and humility on the way? (Lots of sex, they end up living together, they’re all domestic and fluffy, they’re forced to talk things out, and I love them oh-so-much. So good.)
• The Guise of Forgiveness by SunseticMonster (23k) George’s new potion has caught the interest of the entire Auror Department, thanks to an article by the elusive Draco Malfoy. So, when Harry sees Malfoy in the middle of a panic attack, he attempts to make amends as a ploy to find out what’s really been going on. (I adore this Draco, he’s so precious, and Harry is an awkward cupcake, you’ll LOVE THEMMM. Draco is dealing with depression and it is so real.)
• Running on Air by eleventy7 (74k)
Draco Malfoy has been missing for three years. Harry is assigned the cold case and finds himself slowly falling in love with the memories he collects.
(I need everyone to read this fic because, again, it is the most beautiful thing ever and it will make you cry yourself into an early grave. In a good way.)
• Bound To You by agentmoppet (28k)
Hag magic is capricious and unruly, and Harry and Draco are bound to stay by each other’s side until they can solve the riddle. In between long car trips, misty rain, and midnight star charts, they begin to understand each other.
(Amazing writing, so fascinating with the magical theory and all, there’s sass and accidental bonding and pining pinging pininggg.)
• Hey, Potter by SunseticMonster (16k) Harry returns to Hogwarts for his 8th year, determined not to let Malfoy get to him. But when the snarky teasing starts up again, Harry finds that returning the jibes with compliments has a far more interesting outcome.
(Draco goes so so shy when Harry gives him these compliments, it’s AMAZING. Flustered!Draco is my fave. This is sweet fluffy fun.)
• Colors by xErised (9k)
Tomorrow is the day when Draco will be released from Azkaban. Harry Potter has been desperately waiting.
(Short, but this one is angstttyyyyy and it will ruin your life. You’re welcome.)