what in durin's name

Why Dáin Ironfoot did NOT steal the Throne of Erebor

Leaving aside the obvious arguments of character and the fact that the Iron King of Erebor would never try to steal Erebor’s throne, there is one very simple reason why it is quite literally impossible for Dáin to steal the throne.

(Actually, on second thought, it’s not simple at all, seeing as it incorporates rather complex primogeniture and succession laws. The argument is under the cut, since it got rather long and complicated.)

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Signal Strength: Or, The Benefits of Elvish vs Dwarvish Phones

Rating: PG-13
Genre: Humor, Modern AU (modernized fantasy world)
Pairings: Bilbo/Thorin. Mentions of Kili/Tauriel, Primula/Drogo
Chapter: 1/?
An AU where everything is the same, there are still elves, dwarves, hobbits, and a quest to reclaim a mountain from a dragon.

But now there are also cell phones, computers, motorcycles, and discussions of species-based racism.

It turns out not much changes. Here is an old tale retold through the text logs taken from the phone of a Mister Bilbo Baggins.

Notes: This is such a silly dumb light thing that I had way too much fun with. Basic information is that this is still Middle Earth with all the fantasy elements of Middle Earth, but with modern technology added to it. Not gonna lie, half of this was just for the image of Thorin with his ponytail, leather jacket, and motorcycle, furiously texting on what is their equivalent of a nokia brick phone and using txtspeak because he still has the dumb numberpad.

Hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing. 

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Scenario: The Hobbit Cast watching Porn [requested]
  • Fili: Yoooooooo, brother! There's a party in your trousers!
  • Kili: I don't know what you're talking about haha it's just the trousers...haha....ha...yea...the trousers...I-
  • Elrond: *tilts head* I have never seen such an uncomfortable and awkward position.
  • Azog: Glory-holes, more like tiny were worms
  • Bilbo: Aww he made her a mayonnaise sandwich! That's sweet!
  • Gandalf: Boy, that's not mayonnaise.
  • Tauriel: Motherfucker refused to kiss her after head, wowowOW what a fucking loser.
  • Thorin: Hey Bilbo. What are your plans for tonight? *winks*
  • Dain: What in Durin's name is arousing about sticking weird stuff up each other's butt? This is just so damn gross.
  • Bard: Watch you tongue, dude. That's kink-shaming...
  • Legolas: Dad...I swear I saw the same objects under your bed the other day!
  • Thranduil: *sweats an ocean* Son.