🎆The last day of 2016 is finally here!
All of you are what made this crazy year bearable. It’s been so wonderful to see all the things you created and went through. I know I probably forgot a few people and sorry if I did. Let’s kick 2017’s ass together! 🎉
so after 4547545 years your resident salt summoner finally made a proper follow forever!! also i recently hit 4.7k followers which is just?? what i’ve gained in a little over a year (after i fell into the grisha hellhole and remade my entire blog) and it’s still so shocking to me that people actually want to know me and like my edits and fics and it’s just?? completely mind-blowing and overwhelming but i am so eternally grateful for every single one of you and believe me when i say this: i wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for that love and support so THANK YOU <3 also there are so many mutuals and blogs i want to leave a special thanks to but i really don’t think words can describe the warm feeling in my chest so instead i’m gonna leave a cute lil star next to the ones who i either know personally or am extremely, absurdly, eternally in debt to (inej style) for making me laugh and happy and urging me to, well, be and do me.
p.s. i’ll list them down below but a huuuuge shoutout to the @alarklingnetwork fam for being so amazing and wonderful. y’all are made of stars :’)
*bolded are super faves, bolded +
are mutuals who have a special place in my heart
Love and the First Law of Thermodynamics by Annie Cardi
Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.—from “The Old Astronomer” by Sarah Williams
In second grade, we learned about the planets and stars. Molly and I had just move in with Gram and Gramps, and it was halfway through the year, so we were still trying to figure out where the girls’ room was and what kind of sandwiches the kids ate at lunch and what their rules were for four square and if we could maybe be friends with anyone or if we’d just end up moving again, even though Gram said we were home.
I remember Miss Valdés unrolled a big poster that had the sun and the earth and all the planets on it. “Can anyone tell me which one is the Earth?” she asked.
Hands went up and someone said it was the blue and green one.
“Very good!” she said. “Now that means we’re first, second, third from the sun. If we were first, like Mercury, or second, like Venus, that would be too hot for us. And if we were far out like Neptune, it would be way too cold. Earth is just right for people.”
“It’s like Goldilocks,” I said before I could stop myself.
Some kids laughed, like we were too old for stories about girl and bears and the woods, but Miss Valdés smiled. “That’s right, Lyddie—Earth is just right.”
At the end of the day, we went out to the playground and soccer fields, and we did an experiment about how far apart the planets were. Miss Valdés had bouncy ball big enough to sit on, which was supposed to be the sun. She handed out other things, like balls and marbles and beads, that were supposed to be the planets. I got a softball, which was supposed to be Neptune.
“If this is the sun,” she said, “then Mercury would be right here.” She positioned Molly, who was holding a little bead, one step from the big bouncy ball.
Other kids who were Venus and the Earth and so on took more steps away from the big bouncy ball sun, so we could see what the solar system kind of looked like.
“All right, Lyddie, you’re Neptune,” she said, smiling at me. “That means you’re all the way at the edge of the solar system, way over by the swing set.”
I ran over to the swing set, clutching my softball Neptune, and waved back at everyone. From there I could see Gram’s car in the parking lot, and how she was standing a few feet away from it, wearing a bright pink baseball cap, thick sunglasses, and having a smoke. I thought about being Neptune, all the way on the edge of the solar system, and thinking about how Miss. Valdés had said that the stars are even farther away, and suddenly I felt kind of homesick, even though I didn’t know what I was homesick for because Molly and I moved around so much with Mom that we didn’t really have a place that felt like home, and Gram and Gramps’s house didn’t feel like home yet, but I still stood by the swing set and tried not to cry because I didn’t want all the kids to see me crying, especially if I didn’t even have a real reason.
Once I got into Gram’s car, I couldn’t hold back anymore, and started crying quietly.
“Lyddie’s crying,” Molly said, and I whacked her.
She whacked me back, but Gram said, “Don’t hit your sister,” and I think she meant that for both of us. “Lyddie, what’s wrong?”
I wiped my face and my nose with the back of my hand, but I still didn’t know what to say.
“Was it something that happened at school?” she asked. “Do I need to yell at anyone? Because I’m a good yeller.”
Which was true. Gram’s voice was kind of rough from all the smoking she did, even though Gramps wouldn’t let her smoke in the house, but when she got mad, she could get loud enough to scare the lizards in the yard back into hiding.
“No,” I managed. “We were talking about the planets.”
Gram glanced at me in the rearview mirror. “You got sad about the planets?”
“No,” I sobbed. “I liked them.”
“Well why don’t you tell me about them?” she said.
So I did. I started talking about the different planets and the sun and the stars, and how Earth is just the right place for us, and by the time Gram pulled into the driveway I was mostly calmed down. But instead of making us do our homework and making dinner, Gram spent the rest of the night pulling stuff out of drawers and cutting up cheapo coat hangers so we could make a solar system mobile that we could hang in our room. It was the first real decoration we put up, that felt like ours. That night I felt asleep watching the planets spin in the cool night air and thinking about how Earth wasn’t too close or far, how it was just right.
Gram got the diagnosis junior year of cancer. “Well, it’s my pancreas,” she said at dinner that night, like she was telling us about some neighbor who annoyed her by complaining about all the Christmas lights Gramps put up every year.
“What did the doctor say?” Molly asked, voice shaking a little.
She leaned over and took Molly’s hand. “Not good, peach,” she said. “But I’m a tough old broad, and I’m gonna fight it.”
Gramps set down a bowl of macaroni on the table. “I told you all that smoking was bad for you,” he said. “I told you.” And he started crying.
Then Molly was crying, and I was nodding at Gram talking about the doctors she was seeing and the treatment she’d be getting, and I was hearing every word she said but I felt like I was a million miles away.
I went with Gram to most of her treatments, because Gramps was working and Molly would have cried at every single one.
“This is my granddaughter, Lyddie,” Gram told the doctors and nurses. “She’s very good at science, too. Maybe she’ll be a doctor someday.”
“Gram,” I’d say, embarrassed.
“Well, she hasn’t decided yet,” she’d say. “She’s taken all the advanced science classes at the high school. They’re sending her to the college to take classes there, that’s how smart she is. She could be a scientist, or engineer, or maybe an astronaut. You have to be very smart and very strong to do that, and Lyddie gets that from me.”
“That is true,” I’d say and it was.
She went through all the treatments, even the experimental ones, but it didn’t help. Molly and I were studying for the SATs when Gram and Gramps were arguing about plans for later.
“But we had it all planned,” Gramps said.
“I know but I’m changing the plans. I saw it on that morning show,” she said from the couch. Her voice was quiet but firm. “They shoot you up right into space.” She waved a little. “Lyddie, tell him.”
I didn’t exactly know what she’s talking about, but I said, “That thing where they send your ashes into orbit?”
“That’s the one.”
“I mean, you don’t go into space,” I said. “I think it all burns up on reentry.”
“It sounds goofy to me,” Gramps said.
“I don’t care,” she said. “I’d rather be shot into the sky than be buried in the ground.”
So that’s what we did. Gram passed on a Thursday in June, a few weeks after finals. Gram insisted Molly and I take all our tests and write all our papers—“I’m not going to be the one who messes with your college plans,” she said. I was sure she hung on just long enough to make sure we finished our junior year.
We had a small service, some friends of Gram’s from her walking club and Gramps’s work and relatives who lived close enough. I called the number I had for my mom, because I thought she might want to know, but when the voicemail picked up, it was someone else’s voice.
After the service, we went to lunch at Kenny’s, Gram’s favorite restaurant because they served ginormous burgers and were the last one in the area to have a smoking section. We talked about how Gram once got in a fight with a guy who tried to cut in line at the Krispy Kreme, and how she had a million ashtrays even though Gramps made her smoke outside, and how she could tell what song it was in the first two notes, and how she would show up to class plays or recitals and cheer obnoxiously loud.
That night I dug through my closet and found the solar system mobile we made, that hung in our bedroom for years, that I couldn’t bear to throw away, not even when Gram was still alive. I took it out and hung it up. Molly didn’t say anything but we fell asleep under the slow movement of the planets.
The company that was sending Gram’s ashes into space gave us tracking info so we could follow her as she traveled around the earth for a few months. Sometimes I’d be getting dinner ready and Gramps would say, “Where’s she now?” and I’d take out my phone and show him the app and tell him what that meant and what stars she’d be seeing and if we could see those same stars, too.
By November, she would be reentering the atmosphere. I borrowed binoculars from one of the physics grad students, who TAed Astronomy 102, and Molly and Gramps and I went as far as we could out of the suburbs so we could see her again. Molly was driving because Gramps’s eyesight wasn’t so good anymore at night, and I sat in the back, thinking about how someday maybe soon it would be just Molly and me. And maybe we would be going off to different schools and towns and it would feel like just me again, at the edge of the solar system. I wiped away a few tears and pretended I was just sad about Gram.
We stopped at a park and huddled on the hood of the car and passed around the binoculars. While we waited, I told them what stars they could see—Pisces and Andromeda and Cassiopeia.
“Okay,” I said, checking the app. “It should be any minute. Keep watching the sky.”
We all looked up and held our breath. Then we saw her—or the ship some of her remains were in that was burning up in its reentry to earth and looking like a shooting star, but it felt like Gram, blazing light across the sky.
No, come back, I thought as I watched the light streak across the sky and disappear. But it was gone and she was gone.
Molly was crying and leaned against me. I leaned back and cried and thought about how Gram made the solar system for us. I thought about how, according to the first law of thermodynamics, no energy is ever destroyed. How across the universe, nothing is ever gone. How it’s somewhere else but it’s never gone. How the stars are light years away and maybe they’re dead, too, but I can still look up and see a beautiful sky full of stars. How I can always look up and know the stars are there, even if I can’t see them.
We got back in the car and drove home and I fell asleep in the back seat, feeling the whole of the universe smiling down on me.
Annie Cardi is the author of The Chance You Won’t Return, which was named a Bank Street College of Education Best Book of the Year for 2015. She likes running, baking, podcasting, and spending way too much time on the internet. You can find her sharing funny gifs and pictures of corgis at: BlogFacebookTwitterTumblr.
Primrose Cosmetics is proud to present to you the first colour of our special fall collection of mattes.
6 special colours, perfect for the fall are going to be released soon. Follo my blog to see all the cosmetics products we’re releasing, check out primrosesmithuniverse.tumblr.com to see all of our previous products and make sure to turn on the “post notifications” for this blog always be the first to get your hands on our new products.
And we do a little giveaway: if you reblog this post, you’ll get an early access to our new products that are going to be dropped this year.
I want to let the world know that I’m back and I’ll work hard to give back to everyone who helped me get through what I went through.
I love you. This one’s for you.
XO Primrose Smith
*The color’s the perfect fall brown: hot chocolate
“We’ve seen you’ve associated yourself with a certain lovely lady, Harry. May we have some more details?” James Corden wondered with a smirk on his face, as he leant forward and placed his elbows on his knees. The cue cards held tightly in his hands as the camera focused in on Harry and his blushing cheeks. His hands ran through his hair, pushing it from his burning face.
“Well- Uh.. I don’t know what to say” Harry muttered, as he felt a smile cock on his lips. His tongue ran over his lips as he looked to his interlocked hands resting in his lap. “She’s just amazing. We’ve been on a few dates together. Like, the other day we went to the Rolling Stones concert together, and a few weeks back she brought me tickets to see the Packers game… She’s been my mate for so long” He grinned, as he felt a hand pat at his shoulder.
Niall laughed softly, and squeezed his shoulder. “Our Harry here is smitten. He’s so in love with her. We haven’t seen him like this before. He’s so weird. But a good weird” Niall laughed, as Liam and Louis teased and laughed along with everyone. “This isn’t just a fling. This is turning into a proper relationship” Niall added, as Harry’s cheeks tinged pink and his head tilted down to look at his knees.
“Is that so, Harry? Harry Styles is ready to settle down with someone?” James teased, as Harry nodded slowly and looked up. “How have the fans taken to her? I know you said she’s been your mate for a long time. Have they warmed up to her?” He wondered, as Harry laughed softly and pinched at his bottom lip with his thumb and forefinger.
“They’ve loved her ever since she’s been on tour with us. She posts photos of him and they love it” Louis laughs, as Harry blushes and covers his face. “They aren’t dating, and they love her. But, there’s some who are constantly jealous of her and they do send hate to her. She gets so confused with it” Louis smiles as Harry squeezes his knee and leans forward.
“I remember the first time she got hate sent to her. She came to my place, and she just stood on the step and cried. I felt awful. She can’t hang out with her best mate because when we do, she gets hate thrown her way” Harry sighs, as Liam sits up. “Sophia and her get it worst. I don’t get why. They’re both amazing girls and they don’t understand why they get hate for being a friend of mine and dating Liam. I mean, she’s just my best friend. And if we were to date, I wouldn’t want that to get between us” Harry states, as James fell back against the sofa and smiled.
“Is that why you haven’t asked her to be your girlfriend yet?”
Harry’s eyes caught the camera, and he knew the answer. Of course that was why. He wanted to protect from the cruel social media world. He didn’t want the cruel words to crumble you and crush you, because he hated seeing you upset because of something related to him.
He knew you’d be watching. Cuddled into the twin bed of the hotel room the both of you were sharing. All he wanted was to get home. He’d never felt like this about a girl before, and it scared him. But there was no one he’d rather be with, than you. If he was to be scared, he wanted to be scared with you.
• • •
He slid the room card into the slot and listened for the click to tell him he could enter the room. As he shrugged his jacket off, he pushed the door open with his shoulder and stepped into the darkened and quiet room, the soft sounds of your breathing filling the silence. Harry smiled softly as he carefuy closed the door behind him, toeing off his shoes and dropping them by his suitcase. His nimble fingers unbutton his silk shirt and let it fall down his shoulders, before he moved to undo his belt, the clanging noise making him cringe as he turned to your sleeping figure.
You face puckered and scrunched as you rolled over, an arm flopping over your face as you stayed asleep. He let out a breathy laugh as he watched you, his fingers unbuttoning his jeans and pulling them down in a pile at his feet. He heard you yawn when he got himself into bed, the narrow gap between the beds becoming increasingly difficult for him to get through when you were sleeping.
“Mmm… Harry? S'that you?” You wondered, as you peered into the darkness. Your eyes squinted as you saw his silhouette make it’s way into the opposite bed to you. “H? S'that you?” You asked, as he squeezed your hand and kissed the back softly.
“It’s me, darlin’. S'only me. Go back to sleep” Harry whispered, as you tugged his hand to your face and pressed a soothing kiss to his skin. “Go to sleep, love. I didn’t mean to wake you” He whispered, his voice hoarse as he kicked his legs under the duvet and laid down. Your interlocked hands hanging together in the narrow gap.
“M'love you too, Harry. You’re so sweet to me” You whispered, and he felt his chest tighten. You loved him. You loved him too. “I watched the interview… I love you. So much. Why didn’t you tell me before?” You whispered into the darkness, as you heard him shuffle and look at you. His green eyes sparkling under the moonlight peeking through the curtains.
“Let’s talk about that tomorrow, hm? Now come and cuddle with me, love. I love you loads. You know that?” He whispered, as you kicked your duvet from your body, and stood up. You ran a hand through your hair, and grinned to yourself when Harry lifted the corner of the duvet up. “Come here, girlfriend” He whispered, as you shuffled in beside him and wrapped an arm around his torso.
It took me a moment, because I love all of the songs and the first one that came into mind I’m saving for later on lol but as soon as I remembered Mein Teil… It had to be this one. I love the song. I fucking love the song. It’s no secret that I fucking love reading about true crime, and back in the day when I found out my boys had a song about a cannibal killer… Dude, I freaked out! I only found the Armin case through this song, and it’s like finding gold lol when I stumbled across the live version, plus what they do on the show… Honestly, I told every fucking one I know about it. (Not that anyone really cared enough to pay attention lol). I just fucking love it. That’s it. I wish they had played this one at the concert I went, tho :/ (they had two encores tho so that made up for not playing Mein Teil)
Nick Clark x Reader- I Hate You and Your Stupid Delusions
2 x 07- Shiva.
It wasn’t hard to fall in love with Nick Clark. He was just a beautiful, broken soul who treated you right despite his problem with methadone. When the world went to hell, you slowly watched his descent into madness happen through your own eyes.
Celia was filling Nick with the delusion that the dead weren’t truly dead and still had life to them, that they were still human. You watched helplessly as he listened to her delusions, pulling so far away from you that you didn’t even sleep in the same bedroom anymore. If you had known any better, it seemed as if Nick had completely fallen out of love with you.
“Madison, he won’t bother listening to what I have to say. He’s gone. The Nick I fell for is gone.“
“Not if you face his reality with him. Draw him out of his own delusional world, y/n.”
That next morning, you covered yourself in walker blood and followed Nick out to the boat, watching from the safety of cover as he retrieved Luis from the boat for Celia as penance, allowing the Clark family to stay. “If we stay, my girlfriend y/n stays too. I’ll convince her.”
You were fuming when he went behind the house to shower, smiling as he rinsed the blood of that skin you knew so well with cold water. “Have I ever told you I hated you?”
“I missed you too babe.” He mused, grinning widely at you. Under different circumstances you would’ve kissed him right then and there, but this wasn’t the same Nick Clark you’d fallen in love with. “C’mere.”
“No Nick. I’m serious. I hate you!!” You snarled, shoving at his muscular chest with as much strength as you could. “You haven’t thought clearly in months, and on top of that, you are actually believing the utter BS that Celia is telling you!” Nick was stunned at your words, gripping your hands in that soft, tender way you used to hold his when he was scared. “I hate you and your stupid delusional world!
Je rate l'homme qui est tombé en amour avec moi, pas l'homme qui manteaux lui-même dans le sang des morts juste pour lui donner un but. Pour sortir de la vérité que votre famille peut ne pas aimer le nouveau vous.” (1)
He was stunned at your harsh words, having known most French since you were fluent in it. Madison appeared just as you walked away, taking your promise ring and throwing it into the pool. He’s just another memory.
Haven’t you seen me sleep walking
Cause I’ve been holding your hand
The Ranch was in flames, and you were running in the direction of Strands truck as he screamed at Madison to get back inside so you all could get back to the boat. “Y/n, please help me get Nick!”
Rage bubbled in your chest as you pulled your hair behind your shoulders, storming down the drive where your boyfriend was waiting for you, covered in the blood of the dead.
Haven’t you noticed me drifting
Oh let me tell you I am
“Do you love me anymore, darling?”
His words stopped you in your tracks. “I meant what I said earlier, Nick. I-” Tears ran down your face as you struggled to keep your eyes on him. “You’re not the man I fell for that night in LA. He died back when the government burned my home to the ground.” He winced as you threw your hand back, punching him hard in the jaw. You felt no remorse as his legs wobbled and he let out a small whimper. “I hate you.”
“No you don’t. I’ll find you again, and then you’ll understand y/n.” His smirk made your heart clench as you shook you head, turning back towards the truck.
“I can’t love a man who’s dead inside.” He blended in well with the crowd of dead, his eyes never leaving your own as the truck pulled out of the driveway. “I hate that I love you, Nicholas.”
- “Peter you have to let me out” (Y/N) said. You watched as Peter came out of his tent strolling towards the cage he locked you in. “I have to what?” Peter says he comes closer to the gate.
“You have to let me out.” (Y/N) demanded.
“-and why is that (Y?N)?” he says looping his thumb in his buckle smirking through the bars of you cell.
“Obviously I need to clean myself up.” (Y/N) said. “Oh, can I join?” his grin became devilish.
“No, no you can’t.” (Y/N) says and crosses her arms over her chest. Peter’s grin dropped and went to the lock on the gate. He slammed it open and walked in front of (Y/N). His face inches from her. “I say what you do-” he growled. “-You belong to me (Y?N) and if I want to join I’ll join.”
You backed away from Peter. “Peter I’m not cleaning myself with you.”
‘I went through so much stress and periods of strife. I would have panic attacks…I literally always had a stomach ache. And I was a control freak and I couldn’t anticipate what was going to happen in a given situation, so I’d be like, 'Maybe I’m going to get sick’… It’s kind of remarkable. I just grew out of it, but that’s not to say I don’t get worried.’ - Kristen Stewart
s u m m a r y // Y/N is stressing out about school and Justin helps her calm down
Your Point of View
“Ugh,” I sighed loudly as I sat at on my bed with all different books and note books scattered all over the bed. Studying for finals wasn’t going that well, a lot to remember and no study guides were given.
I heard the door open and close knowing it was my friend Justin coming back with food.
“I’m back!” He yelled through the house.
“In here still,” I yelled back holding a book with a note book on your lap taking some notes down. You didn’t look up when he walked in your room and he laughed a little. “What’s so funny?” You huffed.
“You,” He chuckled. Your hair was a mess, you were still in pajamas and haven’t ate anything all day which is why he went out to go get you food when he came over here.You stayed silent not really being in the mood for his jokes and continued writing your notes.
Suddenly his face plastered with a cheesy grin appeared right under you blocking the view of your book and notes.
“Justin please, I don’t have time to play games right now,” You said starting to get annoyed. You’re usually annoyed with everything when your stressed out and Justin knew this.
“You don’t need to study Y/N, you’re going to get an A either way,”
“No I’m not. I’ll only get an A if I study which you are distracting me from doing by the way,”
“Take a break, eat please.” He pouted giving me a concerned look.
I thought about it for a second then said, “Okay.”. I got off my bed then sat on my floor with Justin as he put our food out in front of us. He decided on McDonalds.
“Thanks,” I said sincerely putting my notebook in front of my so I can still read my notes.
“Hey you’re suppose to be taking a break,” He eye balled me.
I laughed for the first time this weekend and said, “Fine,” before tossing it on my bed with my book I set aside.
“What subject is the test for anyways,” He said with a mouthful of chicken nuggets.
I gave him a weird look and said “U.S world history,” after taking a sip of my Sprite.
“I hate history,” He groaned making me laugh.
“Me too buddy,”
“Then why are you studying,”
“Because bieber unlike you some of us want to maintain an A-B honor roll instead of having straight D’s,” I joked stuffing some fries in my mouth.
“Yeah well you already have two D’s right there,” He joked referring to my boobs. I chocked on my fries making him roll over and laugh his ass off.
“We’re not friends anymore,” I muttered as he had a few tears running down his cheeks from laughing.
“No, okay?!” You shouted, throwing your purse on the couch.
“Don’t act like it isn’t a big deal one of my group mates groped you, (Y/N)! I know I shouldn’t have ever brung you around them!” Hoseok ran his finger through his hair frustratingly, “What did you two do?”
“Nothing, Hoseok!” You stormed away.
He laughed sarcastically, “It’s not over—not one bit. You’re not gonna see them anymore,” He followed you, “Especially not Yoongi.”
“You’re the one who introduced me to them!” You spun around, “You knew the consequences-”
“Well, if you and Yoongi would be able to control yourselves instead of shoving your tongues down each other’s throats when everyone turned away-!”
You scoffed, “If I could control myself?” You went to the refrigerator, “What is that supposed to mean? What are you calling me, Hoseok? Hm? A slu-”
“Not at all!” He slammed his hands on the dinning room table, “I just wished that he could’ve controlled himself..” He cupped his face, “It’s all my fault.” He mumbled, “My little cousin came here to visit me, and I let my friend make out with her..”
You grabbed a water bottle, not buying whatever Hoseok was trying to pull on you. “What was that?” You looked out the window.
“Where?” His head popped up, “Are they home?”
“No, it wasn’t them.” You shook your head, pointing outside. “You better go check before we get murdered—I’m serious, Hoseok.” You acted as if you were afraid.
“Stay here.” He ordered, getting up from a chair and walking to the front door.
You watched him go outside, and grabbed his phone—quickly looking for Yoongi’s number. As soon as you turned it on, he had missed calls, messages, and texts from the boy in question. “I made her..” You read, face softening from your annoyed one. You shook your head, unlocking his phone and deleting the one’s that Yoongi had said he forced you to kiss him. You yanked your phone out, typing his number into your contacts.
“There wasn’t anything outside,” Hoseok’s voice came back, you threw his phone back.
“I swear I saw something,” You turned your back towards him.
“You better go clean up before they get home,” He sat back down, “I won’t tell your parents if you promise to not bring this up again, and not go see any of them while you’re here. You came here to see us—not have sex with my friend.”
You rolled your eyes, “I’ll be taking my makeup off.” Walking away, you hovered your thumb above the call option for Yoongi’s name. You tapped your phone screen, feeling butterflies of nervousness fill your stomach as you quickly rushed to your room.
The dial tone rang for a while, and just when you were about to give up a voice answered. “Hello?”
“(Y/N), how’d you get my number? Are you okay? Do you need me to go pick you up?” He rambled, and changed his tone.
“I’m fine—he didn’t talk to me on the ride back, but he started lecturing me when we got inside.” You slid down, back against the wall.
He sighed heavily, “I should have never done that..” There was a silence, “I’m so sorry. I should’ve known better than to mess with you,”
“What happened to you saying you didn’t care if Hoseok found out?” You looked up.
“It’s different—I didn’t want him to find out like that. It would’ve been easier if he found me holding your hand, or me telling him; something sweet. Listen, I’m sorry but-”
“No.” You spoke up, “You know where Hoseok’s parents live—come now.”
“Now, Yoongi.” You said sternly, “Don’t let him see you.”
“I’ll be there soon,” He hung up.
“(Y/N)..” Hoseok said softly, knocking on the door slightly.
“What?” You snapped, getting your makeup removal wipes from your bag.
“Can I come in?”
“It’s my house-”
“I don’t care!” You threw the huge packet of wipes at the door.
“I don’t want things to be like this—not around our parents.” He jiggled the doorknob, “Can we at least leave on a good note? I’m not gonna say I’m sorry-”
“Then leave me alone.” You cut him off, not wanting to hear anymore.
“What you did was wrong, (Y/N).” He spoke louder.
You stubbornly wiped your face with the wipe, looking in the mirror that was in the room. Your phone vibrated, and you checked it. Yoongi asked if she should go to the back of the house—you replied yes. The was what you saw if you looked out the window. You heard Hoseok leave, and you finally took a breath. When you finished taking all your makeup off, you switched your clothes to comfortable sweatpants and a crop top. You laid down in bed, thinking about the way your older cousin grabbed your wrist in front of everyone—dragging you away. The way that the rest of his friends had their mouths hung open at his rage, and your face. You put your hair in a ponytail, still upset at the fact Hoseok made a scene. Your phone rang after about ten minutes, “Hello?” You pressed the phone against your ear.
“I’m in the back—should I just wait?”
You got up, looking outside. There Yoongi stood, still dressed like he was earlier. “I’m gonna climb out the window..” You said slowly, “I’ll be right there.” You shoved your phone in your pocket, and opened the window.
The noise alarmed Yoongi, and he looked towards it. “Don’t fall,” He whispered, holding his arms out.
“Will you catch me?” You asked, stepping out.
“I’ll try.” He shrugged, still holding out his arms. “Just jump,” You took a deep breath, and did as Yoongi had told you. You shut your eyes tightly, then felt him holding you against his chest. “Look,” He sighed, setting you down. “I know what I told you, and I want to keep this going; you’re a kind girl, and I’ve felt more from you than anyone I’ve been with. It would be stupid for me to let this go,”
“It’s not that simple, (Y/N).” He looked down, biting his lip lightly. “Hoseok is already upset enough as it is, and I wouldn’t want to add fuel to the fire. Him scolding you because he knows is one thing, imagine what he’d do if he found out it was still going behind his back. I can’t do that to my brother,”
“I know.” You said lowly, holding your arm. “I just thought..” You looked at him, “I thought we could get away with it.”
“So did I,” He breathed, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “As much as I hate to say it, I can’t see you anymore. The risks are too high, and I’m sure he hates me.” You nodded sadly, “(Y/N), don’t do that.”
“Don’t do that face—please.” He hung his head, “Come here.” He pulled you by your fingers into him. “It’s not easy for me, okay?” He said, wrapping his arms around you. “Did he say he wasn’t taking you around us anymore?”
“Yeah.” You hugged him back.
“Ah,” He groaned, “I don’t know what to do. I want to keep seeing you, but Hoseok won’t talk to me again. If I leave you, I won’t be able to get you off my mind.”
“If you’re leaving me, you won’t call me either?” You looked up at him.
“I’d be tempted to,” He rubbed your back, “Dammit!” He said through clenched teeth, “What do I do?” He didn’t make anymore noise, but hugged you tightly. “I’m sorry, (Y/N).” He held you for a minute, then let go to kiss you sweetly. “I can’t let him be mad at you forever,” He tucked some loose strands of hair behind your ear, “It’s for your own good. Just don’t get into trouble while I’m gone.” He planted a kiss on the top of your head, “Bye.”
You choked back the urge to yell—clenching your fists tightly. He’s gone.. You watched him try not to look back at you, as he disappeared at the side of the house into darkness. You stood there silently, and decided to head back.
//Two Weeks Later//
Over the course of these odd days, you received no sort of contact from Yoongi—minus texts from three nights ago. He had texted you ten times: begging for you to come to the studio, begging for you to meet him somewhere, saying he was sorry, saying he wish he hadn’t have left you. After a while of just staring at the texts he had sent you, you received another. It was a rather lengthy one, but one phrase stood out to you: ‘Tell me it’s over..let me know.’ You had to fight with all your might to try to gather up enough willpower to ignore him. You couldn’t deny that was dominating your thoughts every minute, but you had to act as if nothing had ever happened. Deep down, you were truly sad. It was an opportunity missed—your favorite person in BTS taking a liking to you, but being ripped away by some awful outcome. You couldn’t shake the thought of what would happen if you did things the right way: formally dating, not jumping into sexual acts, and getting to know each other instead of being attracted solely on looks. That’ll never happen, of course; Yoongi’s gone.
“(Y/N)?” Your mother said lightly, tapping your shoulder. “Your aunt and I need some ingredients for tonight’s dinner; do you mind going to the store?”
“Not at all, eomma.” You shook your head, standing up from the chair you were in—which was the one just weeks ago Hoseok had sat in yelling at you.
“I wanna go!” Your siblings ran into the room.
“Do you mind taking them? I’ll give you extra money to buy them sweets,” Your mother reached into her purse.
“It’s alright.” You nodded as your brother yanked on your arm down.
“(Y/N), can we get candy?” (Y/B/N) looked up at you with hopeful eyes.
“If we have enough money,” You grabbed the money from your mother’s hand along with the grocery list.
“(Y/N)-ah!” (Y/S/N) tugged on your shirt, “Can I bring my cat doll?”
“Run!” (Y/B/N) yelled, pushing her towards the room. “I wanna leave already.”
She began running, her dress flowing behind her. As you wait, your brother started for the door to put his shoes on. “Okay!” She held up the doll, shaking it about.
“Be safe!” Your mother waved, going to the kitchen where your aunt—Hoseok’s mother—was.
On the way walking to the store, you held your siblings tiny hands ensuring their safety. They behaved well enough not to get on your nerves, and promised not to go crazy with the treats. You arrived, and got all the things you needed first—promising to pay attention to the kids and their wants after. “Give me that!” You heard (Y/S/N) shout frantically. “(Y/B/N)!” She whined.
You turned around, placing a can into the basket you were carrying. “What did you do?”
“He threw it to another aisle!” She cried, tears forming in her eyes.
“Why did you do that?” You groaned, walking to him.
“I’m gonna get it,” She pouted, rushing along.
“(Y/S/N)!” You called to no avail.
“I’ll get her!” (Y/B/N) ran after her.
Great, now they’re both gone. You hit your forehead, walking quickly through the carts and people. Searching through the aisles, you see them talking to a man. “Oh, are these your-(Y/N)?”
You looked up from grabbing them, and trying to pull them away from the creep. “Jin?”
“I haven’t seen you in so long—how are you?” He set his basket down, hugging you.
“I-I’m fine. How are the boys?”
“They’re fine..” He scratched the back of his head. “You know, Yoongi hasn’t been the same since that night..”
You sighed heavily, “I think I have to go-”
He held your wrist, “Did I make you uncomfortable? I’m sorry—I don’t know what happened after the arcade; he left, then came back upset later in the night. He was with you, right?”
“What happened—if you don’t mind me asking.”
“I’d rather not say,” You bit your nail, “I’m surprised he didn’t tell you.”
“He told us the general idea of it—not the details.” He coughed, proving the awkwardness of the run-in. “What are you doing here?”
“Hoseok’s mom, and my mom need a couple things; you?” You readjusted your basket to your other hand.
“Ah, just shopping for some cooking. The guys can eat so much—I have to be prepared.”
“(Y/N), what about our candy?” (Y/B/N) whispered loudly.
“Um,” You pointed to him.
“I understand,” Jin chuckled looking at your brother getting restless, “It was nice running into you.” He smiled, holding his arms out. “See you soon.” He placed a hand on your back. “Oh, and here you go.” He handed your sister her doll.
“Thank you!” She smiled widely.
“Bye.” He waved, walking away.
'See you soon’? What was that supposed to mean? Maybe just an expression.. You took your sibling to go get some candy, snacks, or treats—then paid for everything and went home. Most of the day, you stayed in your room sulking like everyday. Not realizing how much time has passed, you were caught off guard when the door busted open.
“Yah, get up!” Hoseok yelled loudly, taking a stance where his legs were open and he was pointing at you. “Get dressed, too! I can’t take you out like that,”
“Where are we going?” You mumbled, turning your back towards him while you covered your face with a pillow.
“You’ll see when we get there,” He leaned against the wall, “I’m waiting.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, now move!” He shook you roughly.
“I’m going, I’m going!” You sat up, throwing your legs over the edge of the bed.
“I won’t look,” He looked away. You rolled your eyes, putting on relaxed clothes. He cleared his throat, and out his hand out. “Don’t you wanna put something nicer on?”
“What’s wrong with this?” You picked at your shirt.
“Just trust me on this?”
“Fine.” You changed into something more acceptable. “This is better?”
“Definitely better,” He nodded, dragging you outside the house. “We’ll be back, eomma!”
“Where are we going?” You yanked his hand off of you.
“I told you to wait,” He groaned, still leading you.
You shook your head, trying not to let it bother you. You seen some familiar sights, thinking back to where you had been on your way to on this path. The studio.. “Hoseok,” You stopped walking, “Why are you taking me to the studio? Didn’t you say you didn’t want me to see Yoongi again?”
“Jin told me how you ran into him, and there’s something you really need to see.” He blew off the fact you brought up Yoongi, and the whole ordeal of never seeing the boys again. You walked in front of the studio, Hoseok pushing the doors open as he brought you in. Shoving you into the elevator, he blew some air out. “You know I love you, right?”
“I just want to see you happy; I love seeing you happy. When we were little and used to play, you always laughed and smiled—you don’t so much now.” He looked down with a sad expression, “I know it’s my fault-”
“Nothing is your fault.”
“No, it is. I wanted to become a rapper, and a dancer without thinking twice about you. I barely have anytime to see my own mother, let alone send a text to my little cousin.”
“You have things to do with concerts, albums, recording, and practice. It doesn’t bother the family that you don’t speak so much to us anymore, because we can see you on TV and the Internet. You may not be with us in person, but we know that it’s all worth it since you smile so much while you’re doing your thing.”
“I am happy,” He responded, “But I want you to be as well.”
“Then why bring me here?” You said in a barely audible whisper. “He texted me the other night, telling me all these things..”
“I know; I saw him texting you. He was in the dance studio typing away on his phone.” There was a minute of silence before your cousin broke it, “You know he has you as 'Jagi’ on his phone, right?”
“No.” You shook your head, feeling your heart flutter a little. He cared enough to put you as jagi..
“Why didn’t you say anything to him? I saw what he send you—he poured his heart out. He meant every word he sent,” The double doors opened, and there was minimal light due to the fact most of the staff had left.
“It would hurt too much,” You walked out, “He left me for a reason, and you wouldn’t let me see any of them until now. Why would I go against you again?”
“Just remember: I want you to be happy.” He said before he opened the door to—assuming—where the boys were.
They all turned around, mouths slightly open. “(Y/N), you’re here.” Tae smiled warmly, getting up from the black chair with wheels. “I missed you,” He hugged you, then led you to sit on the chair. The other’s just smiled and waved at you, looking anxious. Everyone was here, but Yoongi.
“You guys got it ready?” A voice behind you said, opening the door.
Jungkook coughed loudly, “Yeah.”
Jimin’s bounced his leg lightly, his eyes darting from the person at the door to you. He cleared his throat, “Yeah, everything is fine—and here.”
“Okay..let’s make music.” The person—obviously Yoongi—walked without even looking at you. He got into the booth where they recorded their vocals, “Can you start the song please?” He ignored you, looking next to you to Namjoon. The song started—a slower beat. Tae’s voice boomed, singing lowly and calmly. The beat changed as he finished his verse, then Yoongi began his rapping. His voice was more calm than in other songs, and he finally opened his eyes and fixated them on you. “Even when I breathe, I see you..” He said while locking eyes with you intensely. He continued on, and when he finished he continued to look at you. You listened closely to the lyrics—knowing now your purpose for being here in this room was. You were surprised Hoseok agreed to make this song, considering his anger about any of them looking at you funny. Namjoon’s verse was unlike him as well. Everyone’s voice was amazing, and great for this slower piece. You knew—no matter who sang it—Yoongi wrote this for you. The singing got louder and more full of emotion, then he glanced up at you. You got your phone out, and messaged him quickly. The song slowed to an end, and Yoongi checked his phone. You sent him something else quickly, and he smiled extremely wide. “The song isn’t as beautiful as you are, jagi.” He said aloud, taking his headphones off. He rushed out, “So you liked it?” He knelt down.
“Yeah.” You felt slight tears threatening to spill out.
“I made it for you-”
“Obviously.” Jimin snorted.
“Shut up, pabo.” Yoongi turned around, then went back to you. “I couldn’t get you off my mind at all..” He held your knee lightly, “I didn’t mess up my chances, did I?”
“No,” You shook your head, “Not at all.”
“I thought it was a good idea..” He sighed, hanging his head down. “Can we be alone?” He asked the room. They all got up, and left you two to have your own privacy. “I’m not one to show emotion, and I’m not one to show affection.” He started, “I do know you’re someone I want in my life, though. I couldn’t let you go like that—not that easy.” He chuckled, smiling at himself. “I’m sorry. I have something to ask you: Wanna go out sometime? Go catch a movie, have dinner—anything? Does that sound good to you, babe?” He cockily smirked, knowing your answer.
“A movie would be nice,”
“Good. It doesn’t have to be in a theater, does it?”
“I think I’d prefer it to be at the dorm, if that’s what you’re implying.” You looked down at him, placing your hand on his.
“We have a date then,” He looked at you while fighting the expression of happiness tugging on the corners of his lips.
“Did you miss me?”
“Of course I did,” He bit his lip lightly.
“Come here,” You patted your lap. He gave you a puzzled look, “Well?”
“What are you gonna do?”
You huffed, forcing his head on your lap. He raised his hands, putting them on your knees to pull away quickly. “Stay.” You ordered, keeping a firm hand on his shoulders. He stopped fidgeting with I heavy sigh, while you sat him up better so he’d be more comfortable. You moved your hands up, lightly brushing your fingers against his ears. You played with his hair softly, “Should we go out there before they get the wrong idea?” He swallowed hardly, staring at the wall without blinking. “Oppa~” You brushed a few strands of hair out of his eyes.
“Hm?” He looked up at your with big eyes.
“Get up.” You slightly pushed him off you.
“Why’d you do that?” He stood up, speaking more assertively.
“I just wanted to.” You shrugged, standing up as well. You reached up to caress his cheek with your thumb, bringing him down by his neck to peck your lips.
He kissed you before opening the door, this time more deeply and he held you hip. When he turned the door knob, Tae popped a little confetti popper. “Yeah!” He shouted loudly.
“Were you eavesdropping?” Yoongi held your hip protectively.
“No—we just knew you would get together.” Jin smiled, “Did you ask her out?”
“Yes, and she said agreed.”
“Alright!” Jungkook punched the air, “Where are we going hyung?” He looked at Yoongi with a cute face.
“Yeah! You’re taking me to make up from when I couldn’t go to dinner and the arcade, right?”
“They’re having a date,” Namjoon said slowly.
“I won’t bother them. I’ll eat quietly, and only talk when talked to.”
“No, Jungkook.” Yoongi answered.
“That’s no fair!”
“We’re having it in the dorm anyway,” You informed him.
“We can have a movie night!” Jungkook cheerfully jumped.
“As much as I’d love to crash their date, I think they need a little time to themselves to get to know each other more.” Hoseok said.
“How about I take all of us to go get ice cream?” Jin offered.
“Yeah!” Tae and Jimin hopped in place.
“Tomorrow night?” Yoongi suggested.
“Sounds good.” You nodded.
“Can we go to the dorm now—but with (Y/N)?” Jungkook asked.
“If she wants,” Hoseok shrugged when everyone looked at him.
“Okay.” You laughed a little.
Everyone ran to the elevator, and you walked with Yoongi down the hall. “Thank you for giving me another change after I screwed up,”
“Why wouldn’t I? I hope we can stand each other,” You sarcastically replied.
“Yah, don’t get smart with me kid.” He ruffled your hair, “This is the second time I’ve seen you without make up.” He stared at your face.
“Stop staring,” You pushed his head away.
“But you’re beautiful either way,” He leaned down to kiss you, but devilishly bit your bottom lip. “We’ll have some fun together, jagi.”
This variation was sparked by a “happy little accident” I made while working on an animated tribute to Joe Baker’s design titled “C”. I was working on getting the white outline of the glass material just right, when an accidental connection from the output of a Fresnel node to the -color- input of the Cycles glass material turned my whole design idea inside out. I love how well that awesome mistake sparked a new “Dark World” variation of the same animation.
I’ve also posted a gallery of the iterations on this design on Imgur, so you can see how some ideas came and went through the iterations on the design. I know that I always enjoy studying the processes of other designers, so it would be cool to to know what you think of my process too! :)