Today wasn’t a good day. It was emotionally charged and hard and it tested my strength. I wanted to sit in a corner and cry. I wanted to scream and shout and say fuck you to the world. But you know what? I didn’t.
@puzzlingpeace I haven’t known you long(but you are pretty much a big deal in my life) but you and @rosewater7 and @wendyi111 helped me pick myself up and dust off the anger and the pain. You all helped me realize the strength that I didn’t think I had anymore. I love you ladies so much. Today was the first time in quite a while that I didn’t shut down. That I didn’t do something that was self destructive cause I have so much love and support from you three. Thank you so much. Even though what I did today might not seem huge, but it was big for me because I consciously chose to turn to someone to talk. I didn’t do my normal “I am fine” and shut you out. Thank you thank you thank you. This, THIS is what we women are all about.
Sorry for the long delay! I’m back to my regular schedule, thank you all for being so patient!
My anxiety notches up the longer the phone rings. I had
checked the schedule for the Leafs and if my timing was right, Will was
currently neither at practice or napping before his game tonight. I was about
to hang up the car phone and pretend I never called him when the line
Came through Will’s voice, I could already imagine the smirk playing on his
forgot you again,” I say. I had had something much wittier planned out but my
brain froze when he actually answered.
sighs through the phone and I panic. “Y/N, you really know how to bring my
confidence down.” I relax when I can hear the teasing tone.
then you should have asked for my number instead,” I point out and he laughs.
wouldn’t have given it to me,” he says simply and I nod in agreement. “What are
home, lunch meeting.”
are you doing tonight?”
heart bangs against my ribs too hard.
going to a play with a couple… friends.” Even I can hear the hesitation at the
word ‘friends’ but he doesn’t mention it.
Well then I’ll have to whip out plan B then.”
my heart bangs against my ribs as excitement gathers in my stomach.
plan B? What was even plan A?” I ask.
I was going to tell you to come to the game tonight so I could impress you, but
since you won’t even be watching from home, I’ll have to take the chance of my
ego getting wounded by asking you out for Wednesday.” I can hear the
nervousness in his tone, though he does a good job by masking it. I Picture him
standing in somewhere in an apartment, phone to his ear and biting his lower
lip in anticipation for my answer. I don’t make him wait any longer.
did you have planned for Wednesday?”
can’t tell you that. Classified information,” Will answers right away.
flashes to Nathan, we aren’t together. I should be able to go out with whoever
I want. Just because he kissed me doesn’t mean I’m his. But at the same time I
think all of these things, guilt forms hot and heavy in my stomach. But then I
think of Will, a boy who clearly wants to get to know me. A boy who exuberates
confidence and isn’t shy about showing his interest in me.
Will’s voice breaks me out of my internal conflict.
mean yes, I’m free Wednesday,” I stammer, pushing all feelings of guilt aside.
he says and then clears his throat. “I mean yeah, cool.” I giggle and I can
almost hear his smile through the speaker.
that doesn’t mean you can hang up on me now,” Will says as I turn down my
street. “I just needed to get that out the way so I could relax.”
hesitate. “Relax? Were you nervous about asking me?”
I couldn’t see your face. As much as I can read your expressions you have a
ridiculous amount of control over your voice and tones,” he says without a hint
say before erupting into a fit of giggles. William
Nylander was scared to ask me out.
ego wounded every time you laugh at my expense,” Will complains and I reel in
think I prefer talking to you over the phone,” I tell him, pulling into one of
my two parking spots and gathering my bag from the passenger seat.
switch Will off my car speaker and press my actual phone to my ear before
answering. “Because I’m not distracted by everything that you do.” See, I can be honest too. Just not to his
silent for a few moments as I walk up the icy path to my apartment complex.
you?” He finally says.
You may have hit me in the face with a puck, but I’m not blind,” I roll my eyes
and get into the elevator, wondering idly if I’m going to drop my call once the
the best thing I’ve heard all day,” Will chuckles into the phone and I blush.
you must not have heard many good things today,” I say hurriedly as I fumble
with my keys to get into my apartment. Discarding my bag and coat onto my
dining room table.
you can surprise me later. I have to get ready to go,” I tell him, standing in
the frame of one of my windows and gazing out at the city below.
But I’ll be cheering for you from afar, I promise,” I add and press my lips
count on that,” he says softly and my belly clenches for an unknown reason.
Will,” I whisper.
ba-“ Will clears his throat. “Y/N.” He is quick to hang up the phone and I
frown, taking the phone away from my ear and staring at it.
“There she is!” Nathan says, his
arms outstretched to me and pulling me into a hug before I can protest. But I
can feel myself relax in his familiar embrace. It’s not any different than it was before. It’s a Nathan hug. You love
Nathan angles is face toward mine. That’s definitely different. I’m able to
take Rian’s sudden appearance at my shoulder as an advantage and twist my head
to smile at her, Nathan’s lips hit my cheek instead of their intended mark and
all is right in the world. Except that his arms are still around me.
“Hey Ri,” I say, wiggling my way of
Nathan’s embrace as quickly as I can. I see a flutter of annoyance cross his
face when he sees Rian and Jake beside us.
“Oh, Jake, Rian. I didn’t realize
you were coming,” Nathan says, putting on a smile even as he throws a look my
way and I laugh a little too loudly.
“Yeah well, Cinderella was Rian’s
favorite movie when we were kids,” I say, patting her on the elbow.
“No it wa- oof,” Rian grunts as I
elbow her hard in the ribs. Jake is quick to steer Nathan to the refreshments.
“You didn’t tell him?” He mouths at
me and I scrunch my face, silently conveying I couldn’t find a way to tell him.
“I get the feeling something weird
is going on here… at least weirder than usual,” Rian levels me with a stare,
still rubbing her side.
“Your feeling is correct,” I sigh,
running a hand through my hair like I do every time I’m frustrated or upset.
“What’s going on?” She asks but I
shake my head at her.
“Later, please,” I whisper, Jake
and Nathan reappearing with two drinks a piece.
Nathan hands me one glass, his
fingers lingering on mine and my stomach lurches.
“Shall we?” He asks and his tone
makes me frown. Like he’s trying to talk different.
I nod and throw a help me look at Jake but he just gives
me an encouraging smile. Accepting my fate, I lead the way into the auditorium.
Every time I’ve been in here I’ve had to stop and take a moment to soak in the
beauty. Not tonight. Tonight I keep my head down, walking down the steps to our
row and swallow hard when Nathan sits beside me, Rian on his other side.
Rian catches my eye as she takes
her seat, her eyes worried. I don’t even try to hide my misery. We sit in
awkward silence, Nathan unsure what to say to me and me wanting to be anywhere
but here. I’m relieved that we arrived late, the play starts almost immediately.
My mind relaxes as the lights dim and I’m able to lean back in my seat and
pretend I’m just watching a play. Until a hand touches my leg.
I tense and glance down in the semi
darkness and see Nathan’s hand creeping towards mine. Fuck. I try to think of a way to avoid this, finding none. Wincing
as Nathan’s clammy hand entwines with mine, I focus on the characters moving
across the stage. After a few moments of intense staring I realize it’s not
going to work. My mind keeps wandering to Will. If his hand was Nathan’s would I be upset? That’s an obvious
answer. Guilt bleeds into my gut, I don’t even know him. I’ve known Nathan for
my entire life almost. Usually his hand in mine wouldn’t bother me, but
something is different. Nathan is different.
I peek at him. Being much taller
than me, he doesn’t notice me looking up at him. His attention is on the stage,
where mine should be. Instead I study him. What’s different? His jaw line is
the same, a clean line with a hint of stubble from missing a shaving this
morning. His nose is annoyingly straight, apparently when I broke it back when
we were kids, I fixed it. I remember his mom thanking me a few years back, she
had been worried kids would make fun of him for it. Instead, they made fun of
him for being beat up by a girl.
My eyes travel to his eyes, I can
just see his eyelashes outlined against the dim lighting. A little bit of envy
appears. Boys really don’t understand how good they have it with beautiful
eyelashes. Nathan’s clothes are typical, expensive despite being in medical
school. But having rich parents will do that. His hair is the only physical
difference I can see. All mused up in an attempt to look like he just rolled
out of bed but hadn’t been taking a nap.
Nathan shifts slightly and I start,
my eyes flashing back to the stage in a panic. Though he doesn’t say anything,
he doesn’t even look at me. Instead he brings his wine glass to his mouth,
downing the rest in one gulp and I squint at him. He rarely drinks alcohol.
“You going to drink that?” He
suddenly whispers at me and I start again. His eyes are on my untouched glass
still in my free hand.
I wordlessly hand it him and that
too disappears down his slender throat.
“Thanks,” Nathan grins at me and I
just keep my eyes forward.
Something doesn’t feel right.
During intermission I practically
jump across Nathan and the other two to get to the isle, wiping my now sweaty
hand against my pants.
“Rian, bathroom?” I ask and she is
quick to her feet.
I don’t say anything as we move
through the crowd. Only when we get in line for the ladies room do I let out a
long held in sigh.
“Are you okay, Y/N?” Rian asks tentatively.
“You seem a little… tense.”
“Do I?” I snap and then shake my
head. “Sorry, I’m just… yes, a little tense.”
“We were your escape route. Jake
It’s not a question.
“Apparently not a very good one.”
Rian is quiet a moment and we
shuffle forward in line. I watch the feathers of the boa on the woman in front
of me, the slight breeze of those passing by us making them flutter.
“Why don’t you just tell Nathan you
aren’t interested?” Rian asks and I blink, my attention torn from the feather.
“I think I may have let it go on a
little too far for it be easily mended,” I reply, my tone flat.
“I wouldn’t say that,” Rian
counters, stepping forward with the line and cutting her eyes to me. “Nathan
loves you, he would respect you being honest with him. A lifetime of friendship
isn’t broken that easily.”
I don’t say anything the rest of
the wait and even when we make it back to our seats. I notice that Jake and Nathan
aren’t talking, or at least they stopped when Rian and I got closer.
“Can I sit next to Rian for the
rest?” I ask Nathan and he looks up surprised.
“Sure,” he says and somewhat
sloppily, seat hops over one.
“Thank you,” I smile at him and when
he looks back at the stage, a smile firmly on his face, I throw up the arm rest
between Rian and I, scooting as close to her as I can manage. The lights dim
down and Nathan makes no move towards me, his hands staying in his own lap. I
watch him. His eyes are slightly unfocused as he takes in the play and there’s
a funny smell around him.
“Jake,” I whisper, leaning across Rian.
He lowers his ear to me. “Did Nathan drink anything while Rian and I were gone?”
I turn my head so he can whisper in
my ear this time. “Yes, three glasses of wine. I wouldn’t think a little wine
would do that to him, but I think he had a little something before coming here,”
Jake whispers in my ear and I meet his worried eyes with my own.
Okay, almost done with the LGBT+ Best Practice Guide for the CUWIP Convocation (modifying the one I put together for the first year grad students last year and adding some things specific to conference stuff)
Still need to work on the mental health one
Still need to work on my poster for the Active Materials Summer School
Almost done submitting my reimbursement (need to print out something and write up a short paragraph about what I got out of the conference) and wow the first day back at work after the conference too??? (but it is like $1200…)
Called student health psychiatry about refills of meds but no response. Need to remember to do that tomorrow too
The conductor was a lot of fun! After this piece, he turned around and, lifting his baton up like a wand, intoned “Lumos Maxima” as the lights of the theatre lit up lol. He provided lots of tidbits of information about the music and what it was about, described himself as a fan… and played pieces related to the Weasleys the most, which ofc made it immediately my fave!
The concertmaster wore what I am pretty sure was a Slytherin tie; a few others musicians wore Gryffindor scarves. Lots of concert-goers wore HP-related stuff, and entire families were dressed up as wizards and witches.
I had an Amortentia drink, which was made of gin, cranberry juice, and grenadine syrup– and was delicious. I also tried the Felix Felicis, which was made of bubbly wine and orange juice but wasn’t that good.
Oh!!! Ok! I got it! If that's the case, then allow me to go on to my scenario! I have this headcanon where whenever Makoto sleeps over at his girlfriend's house, he would be too scared to get up to use the bathroom because it's too dark. Makoto probably has to beat around the bush before having his girlfriend get up with him and walk with him to the bathroom.
This is so cute! Poor baby. Houses you’re not used to can be scary at night!
When you woke up, it was to Makoto shifting around in bed. Again. He’d been fidgeting and wiggling for a while, and you couldn’t take it anymore. Putting a hand on his arm to get his attention, you quietly asked, “Is something wrong?”
Makoto hesitated for a moment before speaking, “I need…” Giving up halfway through and shifting again, he sighed and rushed out, “I need to go to the bathroom.”
“It’s just across the hall, you know,” you giggled. His blush practically glowed, even in the dark.
“I know,” he half whined. “But it’s dark and I didn’t want to wake you up and I didn’t want to run into anything or knock something over or-”
You quieted him with a soft kiss before taking his hand and sitting up. “Come on,” you said with a gentle tug as you climbed out of bed. “I’ll make sure you get there safely.”
Makoto protested a little at first, but followed after you without too much of a fight. You stood outside the door in the hall and waited until he came out of the bathroom, looking sheepish but much more relieved. “Thanks,” he told you with a kiss to your forehead. “And sorry.”
“No problem,” you yawned. You were just happy that now the two of you could cuddle without him moving around every few minutes.
“Wise men say,” he began, “only fools rush in…” He slid his hand to Cas’ lap, closing it around Cas’ cold fingers.
“But I can’t help-” Cas jerked, gasping, hand scrambling at nothing. His eyes were wide and unseeing, and his legs twitched. Dean stared at the wall, holding him tightly, “I-I can’t help, falling in love, with you.”
There was a terrible sound. He sucked in air and it churned in his chest, the noise thick and wet, and when he exhaled it hissed, like waves crashing against rocks, like the tide slithering back towards the sea.
Whenever you’re scared…
Cas stopped breathing entirely.
He could feel Cas’ heart beat once, and then the grand pause. Another beat. He raised the camera to his eye, staring through the view finder - . The framed pictures on the wall were blurring together, spilling out of their borders and mingling on the dull wallpaper, a watercolor mess.
Cas didn’t move.
Cas turned towards the camera, smiling - He had to be brave. He had to be brave – he had to be brave like he couldn’t before. He watched his mouth uncurl - He promised he’d take care of him. It was like watching flowers open in slow motion - That’d he’d always take care of him. He took a breath - His boy. Eyes on the camera - His boy.I love you.
Dean was trying to remember what to say.
“It’s ok,” his voice cracked. “It’s ok - like a river flows, surely to the sea,” he sang, and the monitor was screaming, and Dean had to sing louder so Cas could hear him, bending his face as close as he could, pressing it against his temple, hoping the words would go straight into him. “Darling so it goes, some things are meant to be …”
Further up the beach, laughing now, glinting like diamonds, the light bouncing off and returning to his eyes, the glare of the sun off of his glasses, making him shine, making his soul shine -“So take my hand,” he sang, and his voice was falling apart, he could barely hear himself over the wail of the machinery, “take my whole life too…”
His fingers remained in the hollows of his cheeks, thumb brushing over his lips. - he’d cupped his hands and shouted - The noise peaked, and Dean was silent, unable to continue, tears falling into Cas’ hair.
His cheek was pressed into Dean’s shoulder, eyes staring blankly past Dean’s chest, shining out from his colorless face, two half-moons peering out from under his dark lashes.
I love you.
I love you -
I love –
Hello, I am a 20-year-old adult and I like to make my self sad.
I am relieving Twist and Shout feels because I am still not over 9x23 and I am 3216547894351 miles away from JIBCon.