what has it done

Me: *wakes up, eats pancakes*

Me: *opens tumblr, sees everyone screaming about a horror(???) Video??*

Me: *goes to watch the horror video and sees that Mark uploaded a video one minute ago, watches that video*

Me: *wiping tears from my face* that was such a nice video. I love Mark.

Me: *goes to watch the don’t remember video*

Me: okay you know what,, fuck you Mark.

Hey everybody, this is Griffin McElroy, your dungeon master, DM, best friend, friend, very good friend, lover?, life colleague, best buddy in the whole wide world, good good buddy, main man, dad, that guy who sat behind you in gym class, confidant, Harvey Fierstein, benevolent anonymous benefactor, long lost uncle, yoga instructor, bosom buddy, dirty little secret, partner in crime, dog…whisperer, personal trainer, fungeon master, worst enemy, guardian angel, personal trainer, personal chef, local handyman, onion blaster, weatherman, part time Spanish tutor, second hand news, other thing, sleepy time boy, local sheriff, personal chef, sommelier, ice skating trainer, a real human being and a real hero, big dog - big dog on campus, clock, just your best friend, not alone guy, trusted source for all the latest Hollywood gossip, secret santa, number one fan, oatmeal eater, local hvac repair person, number one 100% gamer boy, midnight boy, finale boy, tardy boy, your very grateful and very relieved cohost of the Adventure Zone podcast. Thank you for listening.

  • Lefou: Noooo oooone's slick as Gaston, no one's quick as Gaston, no one's dick is incredibly thick as Gaston's!
  • Gaston: ....
  • Villagers: ....
  • Lefou: *neck haha autocorrect wow sorry lmao
  • Gaston: You are singing
The Houses as Bookworms
  • Gryffindor: absolutely adores books but still wishes they read more, takes really aesthetic book photos, doesn’t waste their time on a book they know they won’t like, pretty critical about book to movie adaptations, considers other people’s reviews before picking up a book, reads their books in class even when they probably shouldn’t, loves borrowing books from others
  • Hufflepuff: will plow through book after book and then not read for an entire month, attempts to organize books alphabetically or by colour but in the end just tries to squeeze them in anywhere, probably re-reads more old books than they read new books, only presents they want are books, may not finish books super quickly but loves them nonetheless
  • Ravenclaw: reads books at an alarming rate, can and will read on any form of transportation, wears glasses, instead of listening to music they’re actually listening to audio books, starts reading a good book but then gets distracted by another and completely forgets about the old one, usually critical of the protagonist.
  • Slytherin: attempts to read over 20 books at the same time, ships everything, loves it when they’re friends read a book that they recommend,they have to finish the whole series no matter what, gets defensive when someone doesn’t recognize them as a reader, wants to read all the books their friends have read so they can contribute their own opinions to discussions

Fanon Lotor be like

i am not even sorry just take this

I’m sorry, eddie and stan can’t come to the phone right now

why? oh because they’re dead

general li mulan

okay so i LOVE mulan okay. as far as i’m concerned it’s a Perfect Movie and doesn’t need any fixing. but i was thinking today and -

- what if mulan didn’t go to war to save her father?

say her father is dead, okay, killed by the previous war. so she’s raised by her mother and grandmother, women who’s complacency and softness has been worn away by necessity. she needs to marry well, for her family’s sake, because her mother has refused the hand of every man who offered. but mulan is even more rough around the edges than before, is educated not only in books (her mother said men wouldn’t find smarts attractive and grandmother pointed out that men aren’t always around and off to school mulan went) but in the sword too, taught to her by her classmate, ping.

mulan is considered in the lower end of the upper class, coming from a family of military men and scholars and successful merchants. ping is near the top, the son or nephew of an advisor to the emperor. his family is very rich and very important, and the reason they become friends is because mulan manages to notice something about him that he’s been hiding from everyone else - he’s going blind.

not totally blind, enough to get around, but blind enough that reading is difficult and swordplay is even worse, although once he has it down he has it. ping is no fool, he’s not weak or bumbling. his eyes just don’t work. so mulan notices and confronts him about it. she promises to keep it a secret, and hey, she’ll even help him with his assignments by reading the books out loud and helping him study. but in return he must teach her the sword, must teach her about military and tactics. he agrees.

ping and mulan become very good friends and there’s some raised eyebrows about it but they are TOO far away in class for it to be inappropriate, so they make tutting sounds and disapproving faces and let it go.

then the draft happens. ping can’t go to war, he won’t survive it. not with his eyesight like it is. so mulan offers him a deal - she’ll go to war for him, in his place. in return, if she survives, he must marry her. if she dies he must take care of her family.

ping can’t make this kind of family decision on his own, so he goes to his mother and tells her everything, about the eyesight and how he’ll die if he goes and mulan’s offer. his mother says he must keep it a secret from his father, but agrees - if mulan fights in her son’s place and survives, a wedding will be arranged. either way, mulan’s family will be taken care of. ping will be sent to live with some cousins in the meanwhile.

“you’re not in love with me, are you?” ping asks, helping mulan saddle her horse in the middle of the night. she scoffs and rolls her eyes, “not even a little. but marrying you will make my family happy, and besides, you’re my best friend,” she says, smiling, “better you than some grabby old man.” he smiles and hugs her and says, “i’m not in love with you either. but don’t die out there. we have a wedding to plan.”

so mulan goes to the camp, pretending to be ping, and she’s a little bit less lost but things still go as they go. she’s educated and trained, so it’s not hard for her to pass as ping. shang is keeping a special eye on her, thinking that she’s the son of an advisor, one of his father’s friends. and he sees how easily she excels, how quick thinking and smart she is, and starts giving her more and more responsibilities. by the time they’re called out, shang considers ping ie mulan to be his right hand man, and possibly his best friend.

he’s also a little bit in love with ping, and he’s long known he’s attracted to both genders, so he watches ping laugh and smile and the crease between his eyes when he frowns and does his best to let his feelings chase away the best soldier he has. every time shang looks at ping his heart clenches and he things to himself: i wish i could have you, i wish this was a time and a place where one man could have another, i wish you were a girl, is wish i was a girl - i wish we could be together. he’s literally a step away from doodling ‘li ping’ with little hearts over his battle plans. 

so the battles happen. shang and ping lead their men together, respected and loved. they each get promoted, and promoted, and promoted. it’s been years, and it comes to a point where they’re both generals in their own right. they trust each other, care for each other. and are both secretly in love with the other.

mulan is so conflicted. because she wants this war to end and to go home and settle back into life and become ping’s wife, so she can have an easy life spent studying and learning with her family taken care of. that’s what she’d wanted. but now what she wants is shang, her best friend, her brother in arms, her fellow general. she wishes to be everything to him, aches to be the woman on his arm and in his bed, but knows it’s the one thing she can never be.

then that final battle happens. mulan’s quick thinking saves them all and ends the war - but she’s injured.

shang finds out the ping has been a girl all along. he demands explanations - so she tells him everything, that she traded places with ping to save him, to become his wife.

and the lies should sting the sharpest, but they don’t. she’s still the same person, after all. it’s that she’s promised to another man, for one second he’d thought he might have her, but no. so he agrees not to reveal her but he’s furious and furious at himself for being furious and they’re not the same now, broken and splintered and neither of them know what to do.

the war is over. they leave. mulan returns home, and thanks to her ping is now known as a respected general. she’s done her part and survived, and now she gets her reward - ping’s hand in marriage.

but she sees ping for the first time and flings herself into his arms and starts crying. she tells him everything, because he’s still her friend, her very best friend besides shang, the man whom she lied to and betrayed and loves. and ping listens and takes her by the shoulders and says - i’ll uphold our bargain, if that’s what you want. you can be my pampered wife, you’ve more than earned it. but if you want to go to shang, i won’t blame you. you deserve your happiness.

and mulan goes back and forth, but ultimately she decides she has to try. if shang rejects her she’ll return and marry ping and uphold her family honor. but if shang wants her - he’s not as high up as ping, but he’s high up enough to satisfy her family, and also she would love him and want him if he was no more than a farming peasant so it doesn’t matter much anyway.

she rides to the capitol. she finally meets ping’s father, running into him while looking for shang. “ah mulan,” says this man who was never supposed to know of her until she became his daughter-in-law, “i didn’t expect to see you here. how fortuitous. walk with me.” she does, wary, and that’s how she discovers - he and the emperor had discovered her deception a year in, but at that point she’d already proven herself too skilled and valuable to lose. he tells her that he will uphold his son and wife’s deal and gladly welcome her to his household - but that she’s earned her rank as general, and that he and the emperor have no problem with letting her keep it.

she says thank you, shocked and joyful, but that she has to talk to someone first. “ah, yes, young general li,” he says, eyes twinkling, “i do believe he’s around here somewhere.”

she has no idea how he seems to know everything, but she finally tracks down shang who’s ecstatic to see her and hates himself for it. she confesses - says she loves him, that she’s engaged to ping but willing and able to break this engagement for shang. who is dumbfounded and elated and says yes, of course, finally and forever.

and mulan accepts her rank and marries shang, and they become the literal power battle couple of the general li mulan and general li shang. ping becomes a scholar and marries a very nice young woman who loves reading and is happy to read aloud to her husband with his failing eyes.

and they all live happily ever after.

What Voltron Season 4 has Done to our Sweet Children
  • Keith: Ditched his boy band to play Assassin's Creed.
  • Shiro: "OK, I guess I'll pilot the Black Lion then. Does this make me the new main character?"
  • Allura: "No."
  • Coran: Did drugs and went viral.
  • Pidge: Went from "I gotta find my brother" to "we gotta find our dad."
  • Matt: Joined the Alien Fucker Club, which was founded by Lance.
  • Lance: PSA for the kids at home: Do NOT drink raw milk. Do not buy raw milk. Do not sell raw milk. Unpasteurized milk has so many germs in it, it's literally illegal.
  • Hunk: "And with Matt joining the team, Pidge and I can complete our Science Bro Trifecta. We're the smartest nerds in the universe!"
  • Haggar: "Oh, yeah? Hold my beer."
  • Zarkon: "Nice one, honey. I'm alive, BTW, no biggie. Time to kill my son."
  • Lotor: "The enemy of my enemy is a new job opportunity. Who's ready for my redemption arc?"
  • Ezor: "Not me."
  • Zethrid: "Pass."
  • Acxa: "Traitor."
  • Narti: "Fuck you."