what even

anonymous asked:

I really enjoy your stories (especially the Bakemono universe) and I just read What Even and now I kinda ship Chouichi and Itachi? Idk how that happened but now I have a need for more interaction between them, I DON'T CARE IN WHAT KIND OF UNIVERSE I JUST WANT TO SEE IT. You broke me there, I can just see Itachi getting along with the Akimichis.

pst.

Hey Anon.

I kinda ship them too.

They were on the veranda of one of Chouichi’s favorite restaurants and he still couldn’t believe that Itachi had gotten the job.

“Teaching?” Chouichi asked Itachi. “Really?”

“A genjutsu instructor was needed.” Itachi said, pouring himself more tea. “You’d agree I’m more than qualified.”

“Qualified my ass you could genjutsu circles around the Hokage if you felt like it and everyone in this village knows it it’s the KIDS I don’t get.”

“Not everyone hates children as much as you do, Chouichi.” Itachi said, sipping delicately.

“I don’t hate kids!” Chouichi defended. “I just- they’re so loud. And they get in the way. And they make a damn mess.”

“You had none of those problems with Chouji.” Itachi pointed out.

“Chouji’s my brother, okay, it’s different.” Chouichi defended.

“I suppose.” Itachi said. “The children seem to like me.”

“The children are young and stupid and think the Jounin who walk you to work every day must do it because you’re so cool.”

“But Chouichi,” Itachi said with a straight face, “I am so cool.”

Chouichi groaned. “I walked right into that one.” He said.

“You haven’t walked right into one in years.” Itachi said. “You were due.”

“I didn’t have the chance you were on the lam.” Chouichi said.

“Hm.” Itachi put his teacup down. “Chouichi?”

“Yes?”

“Are we friends?”

Chouichi gave Itachi a long, thoughtful look.

“You know,” he said, “Your little brother asked my little brother the same thing not too long ago.”

Then he leaned forward, grabbed the hitai-ate- shiny and new- and yanked it down over Itachi’s eyes.

The Uchiha straightened it with a tinge of coral on his cheeks. “I can’t believe you remember something so juvenile-”

Chouichi grabbed his hand. Itachi looked at their tightly clasped fingers over the table.

“Of course I’m your friend, you idiot.” Chouichi said with a grin. “Someone has to remind you not to light yourself on fire to warm the whole village. Besides, what was it you said on that second mission?”

Itachi pressed his lips together and repeated words said in frustrated fear, many years ago.

“You’re too stupid to quit.”

Chouichi released his hand and said, “Damn right I am. Practically family tradition. So when you are introducing me to your sharkman? Properly?”

Itachi blinked and said, “Kisame is not a sharkman.”

“Look all I want to know is how soon before I can smuggle him into the public pool?”

Itachi sighed deeply and drank more tea.

dear white male writers: DO NOT DO THIS

These horrific, sexist, racist paragraphs - screenshotted and shared for posterity by James Smythe, to whom we are all indebted - are the work of one Liam O’Flynn, a writer and English teacher. Evidently, they come from his book Writing With Stardust: the Ultimate Descriptive Guide for students, parents, teachers, and lovers of English, and are intended as examples of good writing.

UM.

Dear white male writers: DO NOT DO THIS SHIT. IT IS SUPER GROSS AND FETISHISTIC AND ALSO TERRIBLE WRITING. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS. 

Like I just. “Her virility-brown eyes -” WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN? How can you have an “Amazonian figure” ON a “wafer-thin body” when “figure” is a word that describe’s a body’s shape, and Amazonian means pretty much the DIRECT FUCKING OPPOSITE of “wafer-thin” in the first place?  What the shitting fuck does ANY of this mean, apart from “I am only nebulously familiar with the concept of women and completely at a loss if I can’t compare their various bodyparts to jewels, animals and footstuffs”?

STOP 

GO TO WRITING JAIL

GO DIRECTLY TO WRITING JAIL, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200

listen sometimes ur brain just comes up with ridiculous AU ideas & you can either ignore them or roll with it long enough to share it with the world

that being said

Elle Woods as Captain America. 

Friendly reminder that Artemis Fowl literally donated a hugeass amount of his money to his already richass all-boys school–anonymously–with the deal that his whole year will go on a field trip all the way to friggin Germany just so he can sneak away from the whole group to rob the most secured bank in the world undetected by his parents. 

Artemis’ passion for crime knows no boundaries.