what do you think pants or no pants

thejabberwokk  asked:

BUAHAHHAHAHHA still tues on my computer.... favorite cheesy ick up lines for all the dai companions, and you personally, and what you think mine is...? (i suck at these tmi tuesdays.. i like normal info lol)

Lol. It’s still Tuesday for me, too! Or, it was when I got this. California, baby.

Anyway, I suck at cheese, so like, maybe these aren’t cheesy. But I can definitely come up with something. I do love courtship. I’ll just do romanceable companions, for now. Let’s see…

Sera:

“You got bees in your pants, Inquisitor?”

“I thought the saying was ants in your pants.”

“Ants?” said Sera. “Piss it. Crawly.”

Dorian:

“I once was a cad you know.”

“Is that right?” said the Inquisitor.

“Of course,” said Dorian, finishing his wine in a single gulp. “I’m always right.”

The Iron Bull:

“You kind of look like you need a ride.”

“I have a horse,” said the Inquisitor. “Our tent is right over there.”

Bull picked up the Inquisitor, threw her over his shoulder.

She laughed. “I thought you hated metaphors,” she said.

“There’s nothing metaphorical about this, kadan.”

Josephine:

“I’ll have you naked by the end of the night,” she said. It was Wicked Grace, just the two of them.

“Is that right?”

She blushed, smiled down into her cards. “Forgive my bluntness Inquisitor. I meant only per the rules of the game.”

“That’s too bad.”

Solas:

The Inquisitor batted her eyelashes once. “Solas,” she said. “Will you tell me more about the Fade?”

Solas smirked.

Cullen:

“Inquisitor,” he said, hurried, as she entered his quarters.

“That’s me,” said the Inquisitor. She smiled. “Josie sent me here for the paperwork. Something about the Templars. She said we should look at it together?”

“Ah, yes,” said Cullen, sort of lost to the moment. “Over here, we can do it on my desk.”

“Excuse me?”

Blackwall:

“I keep thinking of how you looked that night, naked in the hay, drenched in moonlight as we explored our feelings for one other. Perhaps I said too little then, or too much. I suppose we’ll never know.”

(That’s all.)

Cassandra:

“I–I–”

“Yes Cassandra?”

She demurred. “I read in a book once that when a man likes a woman, he lets her know with his actions, not his words.”

The Inquisitor leaned forward over the table, placed his hand on her hand.

Cassandra sighed. “I am doing this all wrong.”

“Not really,” said the Inquisitor.

Okay sorry that last one was sort of sweet.

Also, I don’t have a pick-up line for you, but I always read your tags when you reblog my writing, and they always bring me joy. So, thanks @thejabberwock. You had me at hello <3

My roommate just walked in the door and asked if I have pants on because her parents are with her… so then this happened

“Stiles do you have pants on?” Derek yelled into the apartment as he unlocked the door. 

“Yeah but I can take them off if there’s sexytime in my future,” Stiles yelled back and Derek’s ears burned red.

“My mom’s with me,” Derek said, avoiding eye contact with his mother. 

Talia laughed, “Hi Stiles.”

“Hi Mrs. Hale,” Stiles said, coming out of the bedroom, face red and voice a little higher than usual, “I didn’t know you were coming by.”

“I can go if you two have big plans,” Talia said and Stiles blushed harder. Derek felt his own cheeks flush too, “I just wanted to come see the new place.”

“Well here it is,” Derek said, “Stiles don’t you have something to do not here.”

“Yep,” Stiles said, “Um, something somewhere else.”

“Oh don’t leave, I’m going,” Talia said, kissing Derek on the cheek and hugging Stiles, “I’m glad you had pants on.”

“Me too.”

She left with another laugh, “Don’t just bring you mom over without warning! What if I hadn’t had pants on!”

“I didn’t think that far,” Derek said, tugging Stiles closer.

“I’ll ditch my pants now if you want,” Stiles said as Derek nipped at his ear, “Right now.”

“Do it,” Derek whispered, voice rough, all their embarrassment forgotten as they made their way to the bedroom leaving a trail of clothes behind them.

anonymous asked:

snowbaz soulmates au where the ink you write on your skin appears on your soulmate's skin and vice versa

Okay, I really let my imagination run away with my words here. :D I really love this trope. But what if we took this a step further? What if, instead of soul mates, this was actually a spell that could be used to communicate with someone from far away?

Sometime around seventh year, this spell is taught in Magickal Words. And you get forced with a partner to learn it. Baz and Simon get partnered up, of course. And Simon botches the spell and makes it relatively permanent.


At first, neither of them really do anything about it. Simon might occasionally draw a stupid face or something on his arm just to piss off Baz. But Baz makes certain to no longer make notes to himself on his skin. It’s like this for almost a month. Until Simon goes on a mission for the Mage, and he receives dozens of cuts all over his arm and a few across his chest. It isn’t until he’s checking his cuts on his way back that he notices something written on his wrist.

Snow. Are you hurt?

Simon is really confused by this at first. Because why on earth would Baz be writing to him when he never has before? He immediately searches for a pen.

I’m fine, he writes back. Why? His handwriting is atrocious compared to Baz’s.

Suddenly, all these small arrows start appearing on Simon’s skin, each one pointing to his cuts. He looks under his shirt at his chest; there are some there, too.

I’m covered in scars, appears underneath his writing.

Fuck. It suddenly makes sense. He must have really fucked up the spell, and now Baz is getting all these marks on his skin where Simon’s cuts are.

I was cut, Simon writes. Do they hurt you?

Not much, Baz writes back. Be careful next time.

Simon doesn’t write back. He doesn’t know what to say. They don’t speak about it at all when he gets back. Nothing happens again until a few weeks later, over Christmas break.

Simon is sitting on his bed at Watford, trying to enjoy the quiet, when a large scar appears along the side of his neck and over his collarbone. He doesn’t notice it immediately, but begins to feel a burning sensation there. It isn’t until he goes into the bathroom to shower that he sees it. It terrifies him to see such a scar that large. He immediately runs out of the bathroom and grabs a pen.

Baz, what happened?    

Dueling. The reply is almost instant.

With who?

My father.

Did you lose?

Yes.

This almost makes Simon shiver. Baz so easily admitting defeat. In the form of one beautifully written word on his skin.

Simon walks back to the bathroom and stares at the scar in the mirror. It still burns. Burns like magick. Baz must have been hit pretty hard to have a scar left like this. He traces it up and down, wondering what it must look like against Baz’s grey skin.

Does it hurt? Came another set of words on the back of his hand.

It burns, Simon writes. Are you in pain?

I can handle it, forms along his right hand. Simon snorts at this. Of course Baz would be ambidextrous. Simon searches along his arm for a place to write but it’s all full of words. He then looks down at his legs. He’s wearing boxers, so he can write there. He’s not sure if Baz will see it immediately, but he decides to write there anyway.

I’m not left-handed, Baz, he writes. And then because of the extra space on his leg, he adds, I can’t write on my right arm.

So you decide to write on your leg instead? Idiotic, Snow. The reply appears on Simon’s leg, right under his own words. And it was almost instant again. Simon tries not to wonder if Baz is actually wearing pants at this moment.

You wrote on your own leg too, Simon writes.

To prove a point that it’s idiotic.

How is it idiotic if you’re doing it too?

There isn’t an instant reply this time, and Simon realizes they’ve written all the way from his knee cap to the top of his thigh. Something they could only do if they’re both not wearing pants. Simon really tries not to think about it.


(I don’t know what this was, I’m sorry. But maybe I’ll turn it into a real fic one day :D)

The Signs as Things Said in my Drama Class Pt. 2

Aries: “You’re dead. You’re fucking dead. All I want you to do, is die. Just die. Dead peOPLE DON’T LAUGH YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD.”

“Alright, just chill–”

“I’LL CHILL WHEN YOU’RE DEAD.”

Taurus: “So…it’s gay?”

“It’s Shakespeare. When is it not gay?”

Gemini: “Hey Lexi, can I ask you something–ohmygod how did you even get up there?!”

*Lexi looks down from hanging off the banister of a costume loft* “I honestly have no idea.”

Cancer: “Stage management, more like anger management, am I right?”

“Benjamin, I’m going to take my thumb, and I’m going to shove it up your ass. I’m going to shove it so far up your ass that I will have a thumb war with your small intestine.”

Leo: “How’s directing going?”

“Accidentally killed half my cast yesterday.”

“So, we’re on schedule then?”

“Yeah.”

Virgo: “So Mercutio will enter stage left and…where’s Mercutio?”

*from far off* “I’M TAKING A DUMP.”

“Alright, so Mercutio is taking a dump, and then will enter stage left…”

Libra: “So, are you two, like, dating?

“Well, I don’t know. Technically? We played lesbians and sort of kept at it or whatever, but it could all just be for shits and giggles…? I don’t know, what do you think?

“We literally had sex last night.”

“Oh, yeah.”

Scorpio: “I FOUND THE BUTCHER KNIFE DILDO!”

Everyone: “Yay!”

Sagittarius: “What if there was, like, a jacket for your legs?”

“Like, pants?”

“No, listen, it would keep your legs warm and covered.”

“So pants.”

“No! It would be on your legs!”

“Pants. You’re describing pants, Eric.”

“…Goddammit.”

Capricorn: *practicing pick-up lines* “Hey girl, are you a theatre arts major? Cuz’ I find you attractive but my parents will never approve of you.”

Aquarius: “Like, have sex, but don’t have sex.”

Pisces: “YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, YOU NARCS!”

“Lexi, get off the ladder. We’re trying to program lights.”

“Program THIS!”

Babygirl Troubles

Originally posted by mvssmedia

                         “Sweetheart,                                                                                                                                                                   you know what I like to be called.”

Featuring: Jungkook (bts)
Genre: Smut (rough, daddy kink)
Word Count: 1.5k

m.list


Keep reading

anonymous asked:

hottest misha gifs in your opinion

Ho buddy,  ho friend,  oh baby, oh darling … you asked for it

*furiously digs through the contents of her phone*

Okay … let’s start off mild:

He’s so serious and brooding … mmm

Okay,  now some sweet-hotness:

Oh the sweater and the eyes and the adorable dad-ness

Okay,  what about some dressed up/ flirty smile Mish:

What about sex-face Misha? 

Or bamf Misha? (I know some of these are Cas gifs but it’s still Misha ok? )

I mean,  c’mon …

And what about his arms in this one:

Fuck me sideways …

Umm … yes

Okay … this one is just too adorable:

And then there’s all this bullshit:

How about confused/skeptical/sexy:

And everyone deserves to see Misha taking off his pants …

About-to-have-an-orgy-Misha:

And of course …

And what would this list be without shirtless,  panting,  moaning Misha? 

Alright that’s it for now.  I do have more,  but I’m legit getting a headache from staring at my phone. 

I hope you enjoyed– what am I thinking? 

OF COURSE YOU DID! 

Big Girl - Michael Clifford Smut

 i wrote this a while ago i literally have no idea how bad it sucks ass but it probably sucks hard

—————————————————

“Mom no! I don’t need a babysitter I’m 18 for god’s sake!”

“No Y/N! The last time i left you home alone you almost burned the house down! And it’s not like he’s a complete stranger. It’s just Michael.” Her parents were going out for a business dinner and they hired Michael Clifford to babysit her.

Michael was 19, he graduated last year and he took a gap year to travel with his mates. That meant he needed money badly. They were neighbours and her parents invited the Cliffords over for dinner quite often but Y/N never had a proper conversation with him however she knew how cocky he was. He had the biggest ego. Always bragging about himself and trying to show off. Never the less she always had a slight crush on him. There was something mesmerising about him.

“We’re leaving now and he’ll be arriving in 15 minutes. Be kind to him and don’t cause any trouble!”

After kissing her parents goodbye Y/N decided to prepare some snacks to watch some movies. Her parents weren’t going to come back until midnight and Michael probably wasn’t gonna pay her attention, she needed to entertain herself until then.

She was going through movies when she heard the knocking on the door.

“Come in the door isn’t locked.” she yelled. She knew it was Michael. Who else would knock on her door at 8:30pm?

“You know you really should lock the door when you’re home alone. Im kind enough to not kidnap you but someone else might.”

“Haha funny Michael.” she was being sarcastic but she knew Michael was kinda right. She wasn’t gonna admit that of course. Michael’s ego was already big enough.

Michael plopped himself next to Y/N on the couch and asked “So what are we watching?”

“We? So THE Michael Clifford wants to spend time with me i’m honored.”

“Don’t flatter yourself i kinda have to cause there’s nothing else to do.”

“Sure.” she snickered. She knew he was being sarcastic. That was how their friendship was. Sarcastic remarks and mean comments.

They settled on watching a random movie which turned out quite boring.

“Why do you need a babysitter anyways?” Michael asked.

“The last time i was home alone i almost burned the house down so my mom doesn’t think i should be left alone anymore. But im a big girl i know i can take care of myself.”

“Big girl huh?” Michael had a smirk when he said that.

“Yes i turned 18 two weeks ago.”

“Truth or dare?”

“What?” she honestly was surprised by his question she wasn’t expecting this. “Truth i guess..”

“Are you a virgin?” she was taken aback from the sudden question.

“N-no.” she shyly answered. She’d much rather her first time being with Michael. The guy who took her virginity was an asshole. “Truth or dare?” she was already thinking of a smart thing to ask him.

“No you choose one.”

“It’s your turn.”

“Im in charge right now don’t you think? Do as i say.”

“Truth.” she didn’t want to take chances and she was pissed with Michael reminding her that he was in charge. Although the thought of Michael being in charge turned her on.

“What’s your biggest turn on?”

“Dare. Can i change it?” she couldn’t tell him that the thought of him tying her down and fucking her mercilessly while she called him daddy made her panties soak.

“No princess. You chose truth and now you have to answer.”

“Umm i g-guess my partner being umm you know dominant would turn me on.”

“I dare you to suck my cock.”

“WHAT?!”

“C'mon babygirl i know you want to. I know how much i turn you on. I bet you’re wet right now.” He was right. Thinking about him fucking her did turn her on.

She got on her knees. It was the moment she was waiting for all her life wasn’t it?

“Michael i’ve only done this once. I don’t know how to do it.”

“It’s ok princess i’ll guide you.”

She unbuttoned his pants, Michael lifted his hips so Y/N could take off his pants and boxers faster.

When Y/N saw his cock she was amazed. He was bigger than the boy who took her virginity and thicker. She was nervous to touch it let alone put it in her mouth.

“What happened?” Michael needed her mouth. Or her hands. Anything. He just wanted to feel her touch.

“It’s just that you’re bigger than my ex.” she didn’t even care if she was flattering his ego even more.

“It’s ok Y/N it’s not gonna bite see.” He started stroking his cock. “Try it c'mon.” Michael replaced his hand with hers and she slowly started stroking him.

“Ugh Y/N it feels so good. Take it in your mouth please.” how could she say no to him when he ask like that? She took him in her mouth. She struggled to fit him in her mouth but managed to do it. She started stroking the parts she couldn’t fit in her mouth with her hands.

“Yes yes yes babygirl does daddy’s cock feels good in your mouth?” Daddy? She never thought Michael would have a daddy kink. She hoped but she never thought he actually had it.

She stopped sucking for a brief moment and said “Yes daddy.”

“Stop stop come here.” Michael pulled her up and sat her on her lap. They started making out passionately.  Michael tried to take off her shirt and  bra without stopping the kiss.

“Fuck babygirl your tits are amazing.” He massaged her boobs and flicked her nipples.

“Daddy please do something!” “What do you want daddy to do baby? You want daddy to fuck you?”

Y/N could only nod and Michael eagerly unbuttoned her pants and took them off.

“Baby there is a condom in the back pocket of my jeans can you bring it to daddy?” she got up from his lap and bend down to get the condom. Michael couldn’t resist it and spanked her ass. She moaned from the pleasure, turning Michael on.

“You like it when daddy spanks you baby?”

“Yes daddy please spank me again.”

“I will baby girl but all i want right now is your sweet pussy wrapped around my cock. Come here.” He grabbed the condom from her hand and quickly put it on.

“C'mon princess ride daddy’s cock. Show him how much of a big girl you are.” Y/N positioned herself on Michael’s cock and slowly slide down. They both moaned in bliss.

“Harder babygirl. Make daddy proud.” Michael couldn’t take it anymore. Hearing her moans and whimpers were driving him crazy. He needed to have his way with her. He needed to devour her. He spanked her and said “Lay down baby.”

Y/N got up from his lap and laid down on the couch. After teasing her folds for a bit, Michael positioned himself at her entrance and quickly thrusted in. She felt so good wrapped around his cock and without realising he started ramming into her. He was fucking her so good. Y/N could feel a knot forming in her stomach and the aching feeling around her pussy. She reached down to rub her clit but Michael held her hands over her head.

“I know you’re close me too baby. Cum for me, cum for daddy Y/N.”

Y/N let out a loud moan and came around Michael’s cock. Feeling her pussy clench around his cock drive Michael over the edge.

He reached for the blanket on the floor and put it over Y/N. He got up and walked towards kitchen to get rid of the condom when he suddenly turned around and said, “I knew you had a crush on me. I think you’re cute.”

The Laundry Fic

Pairing: Amazing Phil & Daniel Howell (Phan)

Genre: Fluff, Light Smut, Head-cannon?

Word Count: 1800

Inspired by:  So we all know from Dan’s latest video that he spent his early years of Uni travelling down to Phil’s flat to do ‘laundry’. Here’s that fic. (Despite the title, I promise it’s not one of those fics). 

Keep reading

BTS REACTION : their s/o giving them a handjob under a table in public


request : BTS reaction to their s/o giving them a handjob under a table in public!


SEOKJIN :

you were sitting at a table with all of the boys. You slowly lay your hand on jin’s thigh and start making your way up to his crotch.
-“What are you doing ?” he whispered.
You start unzipping his pants, making him throw his head black and close his eyes.
-”Jin, you’re ok ?” Namjoon asked, causing him to act “normal” again. But that didn’t stop you from what you were doing.


YOONGI :

As soon as he felt your warm hand on top of his clothed member, he turned his head to look at you with big eyes.

“Seriously ? You think this is a good time ?” he whispered

You didn’t stopped and unzipped his pants. As soon as he felt your bare touch, a low groan escaped his lips. He enjoyed it but did not want to show it too much.


HOSEOK :

You were at a meeting with the rest BTS and Bang PD. Hoseok had been teasing you all day, so you decided to seek revenge. You unzipped his pants under the table and started stroking his member. He didn’t say anything to you but by the look in his eyes and his heavy breathing, he was obviously enjoying it.


NAMJOON :

As soon as he felt your hand on his member, a soft chuckle escaped his mouth.

-”Oh, just wait till we get back home baby” he whispered, smirking, before letting out a quiet groan. 


JIMIN :

-”Are you crazy ? We’re going to get caught !” he whispered in your ear once he felt your hand palming his clothed member. 

You didn’t stopped which caused his breathing to get louder and caused him to laugh in order to hide the fact that he was turned on by your act in front of the members.


TAEHYUNG :

Once he felt your touch, he closed his eyes in pleasure. He was clearly enjoying it and didn’t care if the other members noticed it. The act of possibly being caught turned him on even more.

“Yeah baby, don’t stop” he whispered in your ear.


JUNGKOOK :

When you first touched his clothed member, he didn’t say anything and ignored you. But once you unzipped his pants and started stroking him under the table, you noticed he was frowning and his breathing got heavier.

-”You’re going to regret this y/n… You won’t be able to walk tomorrow morning” he whispered in your ear before licking his lips.


i should drown in holy water

There is a strange sort of unspoken theory that once a woman has been raped, sex is no longer a viable option for her. Sex has been replaced by trauma, fear, pain, and anxiety. I’m not saying this is never the case. Every survivor’s story and experience is different, but too often the assumption is that if you have been raped, you are sexually broken and forever unfixable. That sort of discourse is not healthy or empowering or even sympathetic. What I want to say is what I wish I had been told: rape is not a form of sex, it is a form of assault. Sex feels good. Assault is traumatizing. It is possible for sex to exist after rape because they are different experiences, just like it’s possible for you to still enjoy going out to eat even if you got food poisoning once. You might never go back to that restaurant again, but it doesn’t mean you will get food poisoning every time you go out.


Admittedly, I don’t know what sex before rape is like. I lost my virginity to rape at 14. People are willing to give a lot of guidance on what a survivor is supposed to do after her rape. Do not change clothes. Do not shower. Have someone you trust take you to the hospital. Report it immediately to law enforcement. Reach out to loved ones, find a therapist, become an advocate for other survivors. But these are the things nobody told me about sex after rape:

1. Nobody tells you that you’ll feel guilty the first time you have a crush on a guy after your rape. Aren’t you supposed to hate men now? I mean, ugh, penises are evil and one ruined your life. You shouldn’t even be thinking about boys. That’s what got you in trouble in the first place. (Oh, hey rape culture, how’d you get here?)

2. Nobody tells you that you’ll be called a tease when you draw the line at making out. Even though you’re pretty proud of yourself for this minor victory on your path to regaining any confidence in expressing your sexuality, some people will think you’re a prude because you won’t take off your pants.

3. Nobody tells you that the first time you do take off your pants in front of a potential partner you’ll cry almost immediately and put them back on, leaving without an explanation. You’ll feel embarrassed and stupid and you’ll wonder if you’re ever going to be capable of intimacy ever again.

4. Nobody tells you that masturbation is a healing practice (OK, maybe your therapist suggested it once or twice) and that realizing you’re capable of sexual satisfaction after rape is an incredible, powerful feeling. Sometimes it takes a while to feel wholly reunited with your body in this way, and you’re allowed to take all the time you need. Sexual exploration is a journey, not a destination.

5. Nobody tells you that your PTSD symptoms will be scoffed at. Your boundaries will be called “arbitrary” and you will be accused of “wielding sex as a weapon” and “putting yourself on a pedestal.” Someone should tell you that people who say these things are the worst type of people to be around. They have no right to make you feel ashamed, but they will. If they have the potential to get angry about the choices you make about what you do with your body, they are not worth your time or energy or thought or love. But nobody tells you that.

6. Nobody tells you that the ‘rape talk’ will be a thing that has to happen before any romantic relationship gets too serious. Nobody lets you know that immature men will freak out and refer to your rape as “baggage” when they cut things off. And unfortunately, nobody mentions that some men will hold your hand and weep with you when you tell them, because they can’t believe anyone would be capable of hurting you.

7. Nobody tells you that there are men who are patient and kind. Some men will listen and support you and they will read and research and seek to understand. They will ask you what you like and what you don’t like, they will be explicit about their concerns, and they will treat you with respect and dignity.

8. Nobody tells you that the first few times you try sex again it might not go well. You might have a panic attack or a flashback, and you might scream or shake or cry or throw up or all of the above. What they should tell you is that the right partner will stroke your back or make you tea or hold your hair back for you. He’ll leave if he’s asked and he’ll keep his phone on him so you can talk if you need to.

9. Nobody tells you that the first time you successfully, enjoyably have sex again is empowering, and freeing, and overwhelming. Even if it only lasts two minutes, it will feel like an enormous victory. You will be happy in a way you weren’t sure you would be happy again.

10. Nobody tells you that it doesn’t work that way every time. PTSD isn’t cured by one blissful experience, and anxiety is a bitch. Sometimes you will burrow down deep in your comforter and wish you could just be NORMAL and have NORMAL sex like a NORMAL person. And it is frustrating. But you will remember that one bad experience does not negate your ability to have future good experiences. And you will drink your tea and feel better.

11. Nobody tells you that people are capable of loving you after you’ve been raped, and that you are capable of loving back. You are allowed to give yourself to someone completely. Likewise, you are allowed to hold back. You are allowed to be fearful but you are also allowed to trust again. Your healing process is your own and regardless of how you get there, know that as long as you are taking care of yourself, nobody has any right to tell you differently.

12. Nobody tells you that just because he’s the first boy you slept with since your rape doesn’t mean you have to fall in love with him. You don’t “owe” anyone else your love or happiness or body. You can be thankful and appreciative and comfortable, but if he’s not “the one,” don’t settle just because he treated you better than your rapist.

You’re going to have good days and bad days. You’re going to have good sex and bad sex. But you’re still alive, and I just thought maybe someone should tell you.

—  12 things no one told me

anonymous asked:

what even IS nico and will's relationship in your head?????

um lmfao get ready

- “hey nico can u cook 2night im really tired and i have a long shift” “ok sure” [proceeds to cook really really well, the best tortellini or smth] “nico what the fuck ive been making burnt ramen for the last six months.” “i thought it was cute idrc”

-“nico wake up” “i’ll wake up when im dead” “nico ple as e”

- “do these pants make my ass look good” “will youre not wearing pants” “exactly ;3” “how are you making that face what the fuck”

-“sometimes i think that if that werewolf bit u and u became a werewolf i would still like u but that would make me a furry” “will what the fuck”

-“im so sad obama’s leaving his presidency” “um lmfao who’s obama”

-“what are you eating will?” “my feelings” “christ”

-“god dammit” [gets decked] “do not take the lord’s name in vain” “nico what the fuck”

-“nico im sorry please speak to me in english again the italian is really intimidating and chiara wont translate”

-“wait you mean… benito mussolini is dead?” “yes” “thank fuck fascism sucked”

-“do u ever think about how cool going to space would be” “will ive been to hell i dont need to go anywhere that isnt the fucking surface of the earth”

-“will ur eyes are pretty” “[flustered] so is ur… freckle… right there…” “ok”

-“im gonna tickle you-!” “if u lay a hand anywhere near me i will break all the fingers from ur hand i promise”

-“i wish i was a tree” “why” “then i wouldnt have to listen to u talk about the femur bone so much” “wow okay i just thought it was interesting”

-“nico im gonna buy these light up sketchers” “dont” “nico im doing it” “please dont”

-“hey nico do you still like me” “ye” “no i mean do you like like me” “we’ve been dating for three years”

-“nico i baked u smth!! :D” “[crying] i… love it… its so [chokes] good…”

-“nico where have u been” “i saw a dratini on my radar and ive been trying to catch it” “youve been missing for three days”

American Denim: A New Folk Art

Before we get to the book review, please be aware that some images contain nudity–there’s butt, boobs, and one embroidered bush, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.

American Denim: A New Folk Art

Somebody actually cut a picture of a jacket pocket into the shape of a pair of pants.  1975, folks.

Right away, you can see why I had to show you this book.

Most of the stuff inside inspired three thoughts, in this order:

  1. That’s really ugly.
  2. That must have taken forever.
  3. I bet you can’t wash that.

Here are some highlights:

Our young model will be all the rage at punk shows, with her pants covered in sequins and zippers.  The macrame necklace is a nice touch.

The horror so horrid, they show it to you twice: a shirt covered in hands.  But just the sleeves and shoulders.

This artist saw Manos: The Hands of Fate and said, “Yeah, but what IF..”

These pants are apparently based on the garden of Eden.  I do not know what is going on with that tree on the ass of the jeans.

This is a front panel on a denim jacket.  There’s a similar lady on the other side.  Do you think someone once wore this in public, with pride?

Here we have pants made out of tiny pieces, because apparently pants that fell apart as soon as you stuck your leg in them were an artistic statement.

There are a lot of ass shots in this book.  This is the best one, though.

Dinosaur ass!

This poor model has grown barnacles.  They are awaiting scraping.

And lastly, tits surrounded by raw meat.  I guess that’s an iron-on?  But, just.. why?

This book is absurdly expensive on Amazon, your best bet if you need more terrifying weirdness is a library sale or something.

Babysitter-Ashton Irwin

Originally posted by loserxhemmo96

Warning: obviously smut and language

Rating: R


Your phone buzzed next to you on your bedside table. Groaning, you rolled over in your bed and unplugged your phone. Your phone read 8:30am which made you whimper in exhaustion. Below the time was a text from your only babysitting client at the time, Ms. Irwin. You had only acquired the job because your mom had been childhood friends with her, but she was a kind woman nonetheless.

Ms. Irwin was probably the sweetest woman to have ever walked the earth, despite the hardships she had overcame such as her husband leaving her with three kids a couple years ago. But what puzzled you to no extent was the fact that such a kind woman could have the literal spawn on satan as her eldest child.

Ashton Irwin, also known as Hades by yourself and your best friend (Y/BFF/N), was probably the rude human being you have encountered. Despite his stunning looks and musical talent, he was probably the one person you admittedly hated. Although he was a kind child when the two of you where in lower school, right when he hit his teens he pushed you away and never explained his reasons for doing so.

Now, in high school, he never even spared you a glance. It wasn’t as if you were still mad at him, he had pushed you away so long ago but he only angered you when you were babysitting his two younger siblings, Lauren and Harry. It seemed funny how Ms. Irwin always had you babysit even though Ashton was right upstairs in his room playing on his drums, but you both knew he wasn’t capable of taking care of two young children. 

From: Ms. Irwin-8:30am

Hey (Y/n), I’m so sorry to be an inconvenience to you but I was wondering if you can possibly watch the kids starting from 11am today to 7pm tomorrow? Sorry my boss just told me I have to come for a conference this weekend.

You groaned and sat up, running your hand through your hair before responding.

To: Ms. Irwin-8:34am

I’d be happy to (: I’ll see you at 11.

Since you had already woken up you knew attempting to go back to sleep was going to be useless. Hesitantly, you placed your bare feet on the cold wooden floor and quickly scampered to the bathroom to brush your teeth and you went to your kitchen to eat something for breakfast.

Time seemed to fly by and before you knew it you were approaching the front door of the Irwin household with your small overnight bag by your side.

You knocked once and the door flew open seconds later. Instead of the bright and smiling face of Ms. Irwin, you were greeted by the irritated look on Ashton’s face. “Hey Ash,” you smiled, despite the uncomfortable look on his face.

He closed the door behind you, “Don’t call me that,” he mumbled before walking past you to climb up his stairs and probably sulk in his room.

“(Y/n)!” Lauren yelled before wrapping her arms around your legs, followed by Harry.

“Hey guys! Are you excited about this weekend?” you asked, ruffling Harry’s hair.

They nodded in unison and you detached yourself from them to find Ms. Irwin who was in the kitchen making them their lunch. “Hi Ms. Irwin, how are you?” you asked, leaning against the counter.

She jumped in surprise, “Oh hi dear! I’m great, how are you?”

“I’m okay,” you responded.

“Thank you so much for coming on short notice. I really appreciate it.”

You smiled, grabbing the plates from her that held the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches she had made for them. “Of course, anytime. And don’t you have a plane to catch?” I asked.

Her eyes widened, “You’re right!” she rushed to grab her bags, “Again, thank you and I hope Ashton isn’t too much of a bother. He probably won’t leave his room anyways. Text me if there’s an emergency!” she yelled before running out to her car.

You let out a long breath before turning back to the two kids standing behind me. “So, what do you two wanna do?”

—————–

“That movie was so good!” Lauren yelled from the backseat of your car. The three of you had just went to the theater to see Moana and the kids were ecstatic about it.

You nodded and smiled, “Yeah it was great! What do you guys say? Ice cream when we get home?” They all nodded in excitement at your offer and practically bounced in their chairs until you arrived home.

Once you parked your car in the driveway they ran out of the car towards the house and flung themselves on the couch, awaiting their ice cream. You smiled at their excitement and went into the kitchen and pulled out the chocolate ice cream. 

You groaned when you realized the bowls where just about five centimeters from your reach even while you were on your toes. Suddenly, a body was pressed flush against yours. “You’re too damn short,” a voice said gruffly from behind you. You turned your head slightly to see Ashton’s bare, broad chest.

Before you knew it he had pulled down three bowls and placed them in front of you. “Thank you,” you whispered for no apparent reason, just because of the close proximity. 

His body lingered behind you for only a couple of seconds before he disappeared. You felt your face heat up but you quickly dismissed any thoughts of Ashton before scooping ice cream into the bowls.

“Who wants ice cream?” you asked, walking into the living room but you stopped in your tracks when the two toddlers were passed out on the couch. A soft smile spread across your face at the two softly sleeping. You set the bowls on the coffee table and picked up Harry to bring him to his room. 

After tucking both of them in you started walking down the hall to get to the stairs but you stopped in your tracks when you heard All Time Low blasting loudly from Ashton’s room.

You approached his door and opened it slightly, “Ashton can you please turn down your music? The kids are sleep-oh my god what are you doing!” you screeched when you saw Ashton laying naked on his bed, slowing pumping his length.

His face morphed into his signature angry expression and he pulled on his boxers before slamming the door in your face. You stood in front of his door, shell shocked for minutes until you finally processed what had actually happened and you ran downstairs to grab your bag and you shut the door to the guestroom down stairs.

Trying to get what you saw out of your head, you pulled out the book you brought with you and started to read. As you flipped through the pages you couldn’t seem to focus on what the story was telling you but rather on how hot Ashton looked, panting and grabbing his thick length in his hand.

A hard knock on your door interrupted your thoughts and you stood up from your bed, expecting one of the kids to be asking for the ice cream you promised them earlier.

But instead of the faces of one of the kids, when you opened the door you were faced with Ashton, and he looked more pissed then ever.

“Hey Ashton, I’m really sorry, I should’ve knocked-” your sentence was cut short yet again when Ashton flipped the two of you around and pushed you up against the door. 

You gasped when you felt his hot lips press hard kisses down the base of your throat. “Do you know what I was thinking about when I was jerking off?” he asked as he brought his face up to yours.

“What?” you asked.

His breath fanned against your face in uneven pants. “You,” he said before pressing his lips against yours.

It took you less than a minute to respond and you started moving your lips in sync with his. “Fuck I need you so bad,” he mumbled against your lips. All you could do was whimper in desperation.

“Where did this come from?” you panted, tangling your hands in his sandy curls.

He groaned when you tugged at his hair, “Fuck, I’ve liked you since we were crib mates.” With that his pressed his lips feverishly to yours again. You moaned when he shoved his tongue in your mouth.

His fingers slowly crept from your hips to your butt. He squeezed it lightly and pulled your body closer to his hips. He ground his rock hard erection against your clothed heat. “Fuck,” he drawled out. “I want to taste you so bad princess,” he mumbled against your lips.

He didn’t give you time to respond before he swiftly picked you up and sat down on the bed. With you straddling him, you pushed his chest back so you were on top of him. You tugged at his shirt, indicating you wanted it removed and he soon lifted it over his head. As he removed his shirt, you pulled yours over your head as well and you reached to unclasp your bra.

As soon as you had no clothes remaining on your top half, Ashton flipped you over so he hovered over you. “What do you want baby girl?” he asked, latching himself to one of your breasts. His tongue flicked over the sensitive bud and he grazed his teeth over it causing you to tug at his hair. 

“Anything, Ash. Please, I’m so wet.” 

A whimper escaped his lips as he left a trail of kisses down in between the valley of your breasts and he stopped right at the band of your sweatpants. He looked up at you for approval you merely nodded in response to his silent question.

Quickly, he pulled down your pants and continued kissing up your thighs from your knees. He kept stopping right where you needed him most so eventually you sighed in frustration, “Ash, please don’t tease-oh motherfucking shit!” you yelled wen he licked a long strip up your clothed heat.

He pulled down your underwear and left a kiss on your clit. “I love it when you call me that,” he mumbled before completely diving in.

His lips wrapped around your clit, sucking harshly causing your back to arch. When he added two fingers you almost lost it, “A-Ash, I c-can’t hold on much longer,” you whimpered, pulling his head closer.

He hummed against you sending vibrations that sent you over the edge. You let out a long moan as the knot inside of you exploded and you chanted his name repeatedly.

When he finally came up for air you pulled towards you and attached your lips to his. A hint of you could be tasted on his tongue which only made you more excited.

You dropped one of your hands down and slid it beneath his boxers. Grabbing his length, you slowly pumped it and with your thumb, you spread his precum around his tip.

He shivered, “As hot as you are doing this, can you please save this for next time because I’m literally about to burst and I really want to be inside of you when I do so.”

You didn’t stop pumping him which caused him to growl and grab both of your hands in one of his and he held them above your head. “Fuck you’re such a bad girl,” he groaned, pulling down his boxers with his other hand.

Out of anticipation, you rubbed your thighs together to try and create friction but he placed a hand in between them and spread them so wide you already knew walking would be an issue in the morning.

You felt his pulsing tip at your entrance and your mouth opened wide when he pushed his length all the way in. “Oh my-holy shit Ash,” you moaned, struggling against his grip because you ached to touch him.

“You’re so tight, princess,” he let out shakily.

You begged him to move and when he finally brought his length out and snapped his hips back into yours you could’ve sworn you saw stars. “Ashton, you’re so thick-fuck!” you arched your chest into his when he hit your g-spot.

He finally released your hands from his and brought his hand down to rub your clit. Instantly you brought your nails to his back and slowly dragged them down his soft skin. “Faster,” you moaned and tugged his lips down to yours.

He obeyed your wish and started snapping his hips harder and faster against yours. When he hit you g-spot again you clenched around him and he let out a strangled moan. “Fuck princess, please do that again.”

You clenched around him and without warning, he shot his load into you, making you cum around him as well. “(Y/n)!” he chanted as his thrusts got sloppy as he milked out both of your orgasms. 

Once the two of you had come down from your highs he turned and slowly pulled out and leaned on his side to face you. “I meant what I said.”

“And what was that?” you asked with a raised eyebrow.

“That I actually have really like you since we were crib buddies,” he laughed lightly. “I just didn’t know how to talk to a girl I really like and I didn’t wanna fuck it up.”

You smiled and pressed your lips to his. “I like you too.”

A wide smile spread across his face as he pulled you closer so that your head was resting on his chest. He turned off the bedside table lamp next to him and he left a kiss on your forehead. “Goodnight princess.”

{ how to get levi to relax | levi x reader }

Prompt: “in your nsfw headcannons for Levi you said he enjoys a blowjob after a long day of work. I need this in writing or I will die a very painful death. I love you and your writing so much!”
Warnings: language. oral sex; giving
Word count: 813
A/N: I’m always shit at smut endings tbh

Originally posted by ohmikasaa

“Levi, do you ever plan on coming to bed?” You asked as you watched him scribble away at a paper. He looked terrible, like he was at his wits end. Levi let out an annoyed sigh and finally looked up at you.
“I’m busy.” He said gesturing towards the stacks of paper on his desk.
“Well, you need some rest. You look terrible.” You said crossing your arms. Levi gave you a bitter chuckle, shook his head and continued to work

You felt bad for him and all you wanted was for him relax and to actually get a good night’s sleep for once. Then an idea popped in your head. Maybe you could help him relax another way.. You bit your lip at the dirty thoughts racing through your mind.

You walked behind his desk and crawled under it through a space an open space Levi left. It was surprisingly really roomy. As soon as you got under the desk, your hands roamed from Levi’s knees to his inner thighs. You rolled your eyes when you looked up at him because he didn’t seem phased. Your hands soon started to massage his growing member through his pants, he was surprisingly semi hard already. He must’ve been either really turned on or thinking about something dirty earlier.

You undid his belt and pants button before reaching inside his pants and underwear to grab his cock. Levi’s breath hitched as you ran your thumb over the tip collecting the pre cum that had formed into a bead. You gripped the base of his member before working your hand up and down his shaft.

Levi sat back in his chair and threw his head back. He locked his jaw as you grazed your tongue across the underside of his cock.

“What the fuck are you doing to me, (Name)?” Levi said. It came out like a statement more than a question. It was kind of like Levi was trying to process the fact that you were giving him oral in his office. Maybe he’s had fantasies about it, who knows? Levi looked down at you and nearly moaned at the sight.

You smiled up at him with innocent eyes before taking him all in your warm awaiting mouth. Levi grunted as his hands gripped at the arm rests of his chair. Your head bobbed up and down slowly taking him all down your throat while your hands rested on his thighs.

Levi was trying very hard not to thrust wildly into your mouth but he didn’t know how much longer he could take the slow pace. You slowly released him from your mouth and into your hand again stroking him at a slightly faster pace. You looked up at him again with curiosity and lust.

“Levi, do you think I’m pretty?” You asked. His steel gray eyes locked onto yours and he furrowed his eyebrows. Confused on whether to be annoyed with you for asking such a ridiculous question or fucking turned on because you looked so hot. He furrowed his eyebrows and rolled his  eyes.
“You know the answer to that question, brat.” Levi grunted as he felt you tongue swipe over the tip of his cock once more.
“Yeah, Well, it’d be nice to hear it from time to time-” You said before taking him down your throat once more. Levi grunted loudly and his hand found its way to get a tight grip on your hair.

He was close.

Levi held your head in place and began to thrust his hips inside your mouth. Your hands gripped his thighs trying not to choke on him. He enjoyed the sight of his cock slamming relentlessly into your mouth. Your moaning around his member gave him extra pleasure.

“Look at you. You’re such a filthy little slut,” He let out a breathy moan as he continued his thrusts that seemed to get quicker and sloppier. “Taking my cock down your throat like this. Pathetic.” Levi threw his head back closing his eyes shut tightly.

Oh fuck- I’m cumming-” Levi’s voice was strained as his body tighten. He took one final pump and released his thick white ropes deep inside your mouth. You made sure to swallow every bit of it. He didn’t care for the mess.

You took his member from your mouth and gave it a kiss before putting it back in his underwear. You rested your head on one of his thighs and looked up at him with a smile. He looked down at you with droopy eyes and a lazy smile and massaged your scalp with his fingertips.