Hey guys! You know the drill, I write everything in real time which means if I make a mistake in the beginning it may be fixed by the end. In this review there will be anti-Damon, anti-Delena, anti-Bamon, anti-Steroline sentiments, probable mentions of misogynoir, anti-blackness and racism, possible mentions of other TV shows, if you do not like it do not read. I did this on my phone so bear with me. OK ready? Let’s go!
1. Seriously, Cade seems like a really petty devil though. “Kill 100 people or your brother’s girl” like … why? Don’t you have some world domination plans going on or…? Like why the interest in Stefan and Damon, what about either of them are particularly special to the devil? It doesn’t make sense to me. At least with Supernatural, everything from season 1 was leading up to Dean and Sam being vessels for Michael and Lucifer, like every season, every plot point fed into that so it made sense, this is just fucking random.
2. I’m legit taking this opportunity to tell people to watch Goblin because it is so much more intriguing than whatever the hell TVD has become. You can watch it on: Drama Fever, Box Asian, Drama 4 U Viki, like so many sites, guys. I mean, I’m just saying, if you want a show that’ll make you cry and keep you in suspense and make you fall in love with characters then that’s it.
3. Yeah Bonnie’s scream of pain totally could’ve been better.
Why do I care about Matt again? His family made a bell that could kill sirens? Or witches? And that somehow makes him important?
4. Everyone is having like such lowkey reactions to things. Damon’s reaction to Bonnie telling him that Stefan is human is like “Oh. Damn. OK.” LIKE? Bonnie crying over Enzo is like … I mean I guess. I remember when she cried over Jeremy, that shit looked painful.
5. “Stefan, thank God” sound even less enthused, Caroline.
6. Seriously Candice has NO conviction in her voice.
7. Why are there never any cars on the roads they drive on?
8. Alaric and Matt, the two characters I care about the least in one room.
9. “I don’t think this is just colonial bling” did they seriously make Dorian say that? UGH. Also who says bling anymore? Are we in the early 00s?
10. Why are we acting like this history wouldn’t include the enslaved or First Nations populations?
11. Why is Damon acting like he didn’t kill Tyler? I find this actually unbelievably fascinating. He can stand there and lecture Caroline about how Bonnie wouldn’t answer her calls when he killed Tyler who was supposed to be Caroline’s first love and her childhood friend? LIKE THIS WRITING.
I don’t understand this, Stefan is human so he can’t be immortal anymore and therefore is out of the contract so Cade will kill him? Can’t he just make Stefan an immortal human? Like why does he have to be a vampire? He can kill people without biting them, there’s always good old fashioned weaponry. Like what powers does Cade actually have?
12. Cade, why can’t you just get the book yourself? You’re supposed to be the freaking devil.
13. So the cops knew all of these people Stefan killed over two months and we’re just now seeing their presence?
14. How did Abby get to where Bonnie is so quickly?
15. “But don’t worry, Damon’s on it” yeah that isn’t a sentence that inspires confidence, Caroline. Shit.
16. WHY DON’T YOU GUYS JUST PHOTOCOPY THE FUCKING BOOK?
17. Damon’s hair is stupid.
18. Seriously Damon, it was that easy for Alaric to kill you? Why are you terrible at everything?
19. I’m sorry this “funeral” for Enzo is kind of ridiculous.
20. Like there are no side effects to turning human? You’re just human and that’s it. You don’t feel slower, weaker, you can just operate normally?
21. Damon is ANNOYING. Like I’m sorry but his “zingy” one liners just make me want to punch him. SHUT UP.
22. I also don’t get a sense of urgency at all. Everything is moving so slowly.
23. These costumes are TERRIBLE. We’re flashing back to the Maxwell and Bennett ancestors, Zach is playing his ancestor and this black woman is playing the Bonnie’s ancestor and the acting is just done so poorly.
24. Sybil does look good in period clothing though. Even if the period clothing is awful.
25. Lol Caroline and Stefan are so bad at being together.
26. I can’t believe I’m only 20 minutes.
27. “You know him by another name, the devil.” Guys, if people knew him as “the” devil, then they would know him also as Satan and Lucifer or any other religious name for the devil, you can’t just pretend like religion isn’t a factor.
28. Why would Sybil tell Ethan what the bell would do?
29. So Bonnie opened the door to hell with her scream, yeah this is Supernatural.
30. Wait, why does the cure make a human reject vampire blood? How does that work?
31. “Sirened to ring the bell” it’s just compulsion.
32. These flashbacks are actually so fucking awful.
33. Matt just die of a heart attack.
34. How can vampire blood cure a heart attack but not cancer?
35. Caroline’s “you’re going to live” speech is SO WEAK.
36. All they had to do was photocopy the fucking book to know how to kill Cade.
37. Seriously Caroline and Stefan just feel like really close roommates.
38. OH SHUT UP ABOUT HOW BONNIE IS BEING SO STRONG, let her CRY, let her GRIEVE, let her just fucking FEEL.
39. Matt kissing Bonnie on the forehead looks really weird.
40. And seriously he’s not even going to STAY with her? The supposed love of her life died and no one is going to just BE with her?
Remember when I said she would grieve alone?
41. “Thank you for saving my life.” “Oh that, I do that because it’s Tuesday.” LMFAO OK, DAMON.
42. KAI KAI KAI KAI OMG IT’S KAI KAIAKAIAIoisno oaf oafn oang og osg ! And he shows up like a BOSS.
Yeah this episode wasn’t the worst episode of the season but it was still entirely boring. I wish we could’ve seen Stefan’s apology to Bonnie and also where are the twins, who would Alaric entrust to keep them safe when the last person he trusted was a siren who kidnapped them? Does Caroline know Alaric is back? Does she get regular updates on her kids? But whatever because KAI IS BACK AND I’M SUPER FUCKING EXCITED DESPITE MY BETTER JUDGEMENT.
I did not draw this and I could not track down who did since it’s all over the the interwebs. If you can tell me who originally drew it please let me know. I turned it into a GIF because I REALLY wanted to see it as a gif so. Here ya go interwebs!
Anakin Skywalker Ghost calling Kylo Ren an Idiot Sandwich.