Horoscopes by Gil Hizon - Week of April 2-8, 2017
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Okay, so you’re like, on a different wavelength than the rest of us this week. This is usually the time (for some reason) where bitches are running around frantic with the amount of overwhelming shit they have to do, but you’re all like, “Spring Break, WOOOOOO!” Look, queen, we want you to keep going with that, but maybe don’t be so fucking overt about it. Some of us have to work.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
So a big change is set to happen in your life within a few months, and if it was any other bitch, the normal reaction would be a huge freakout. But not you. You’re a fucking sea of calm. I mean more power to you, but this mode is making others uncomfortable. In looking at chu, these other hos may think that you just don’t give a rats ass how your big change could affect them. Look queen, it’s not your nature to cater to the other gurls, but at least just let them know that you care about what’s coming.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)
People recognize and respect your ability to formulate theories and your willingness to keep an open mind. But sometimes, bitches just want to know what you really think without you referencing all these fancy fucking anecdotes you keep in your mental arsenal. Look, queen, hos are overwhelmed right now. When they ask you a question, be direct. B. E. Direct.
CANCER (June 22 – July 22)
Sometimes, the more you plan your week, the more disappointed you get when things take fucking longer than expected. It’s stressful enough to have a pile of shit to do without time being a factor. Look, queen, this week is just gonna be a shitshow. The earlier you recognize and anticipate that, the more you’ll be able to accept and be at peace with the universe when the barista screws up your Starbucks.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Oh, gurl, why are you even going there? And by “there,” I mean that dark place that contains all your neuroses, apprehensions and regrets about bad memories from distant past. Look queen, if you’re trying to harness your tolerance for bad shit because you think something horrible is about to happen, this is not the way to go. Huddling up on your own is not a good idea right now. You need to be among the bitches who love and accept yo ass. #textthem
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Here are just some of the things that annoy you: inefficiency, business e-mails on a Sunday, and people who walk their dogs without leashes (it’s careless, selfish, with a dash of lazy). Look queen, I’ll be the first one to tell a ho to wait at least 24 hours before speaking up when bitches do these things, but sometimes, you just gotta let someone have it, right on the muthafucking spot.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
You need to be careful what you’re promising other bitches. You may think you have something in the bag, but have you looked in there lately? Look, queen, there is no need to make any big proclamations about the future right now because any ho within hearing distance may start making life-altering adjustments to their routine all willy-nilly. The least you can do is wait a few fucking days.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Look, queen, existing in two planes is not usually your gig (that’s more of a PISCES thing), but not this week. Get ready for a tug of war between your default intense nature which usually anchors you to the ground, and your awakened exploratory instincts that are more apt to search for new experiences to find meaning, even if it’s at a clearance bin at cRoss Dress For Less. As far as internal conflicts go, it’s better than a post-Chipotle experience.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Thanks to a rut in one of your key relationships, your zodiac sign isn’t the only thing that has “SAG” in it. Could it be that maybe you’ve waited too long as far as even attempting to make any repairs in this partnership? Look, queen, if there’s even a nugget of anything that is worth saving in this union, I fucking urge you to get thee to fixing that shit. Immediately, if not sooner.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
The minute some bitch gets all emotional on you this week, you’re out. You are a firm believer that there is a place and time for catering to other hos “outbursts,” and your business vicinity ain’t it. Look, queen, I know that you’re focused on rolling up your sleeves and getting shit done but you also have to recognize that this person in front of you may not just be some employee.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
You’ve been on-the-go so much, that you’ve grown accustomed to always trying to get shit done. The idea of rest is so fucking alien to you now that you’ve trained yourself to sleeping only four hours a night. Look queen, that shit adds up. Instead of being so worried about the countless duties you have to do, why not sit back, relax and celebrate what you have accomplished?
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
So you do this thing where, when you’re critiquing others, you like to bookend that shit with unnecessary piles of praise and encouragement. We think that you do this as a way to pad the blow. Look, queen, I’m not saying that you should stop that shit. All I’m saying is that we can see what you’re doing. We’re onto you, gurl, thanks to our PISCES Opinion Filter, now available in all colors of the fucking rainbow.
(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)
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