what a crazy bastard

What did this episode teach you, children?

  1. Erwin fucking Smith is a crazy bastard.
  2. Erwin fucking Smith is daddy dominant level 100: hanging from a Titan’s mouth and still giving orders.
  3. Erwin fucking Smith is fucking crazy.
  4. Erwin fucking Smith lopped off his own fucking arm with his own fucking sword and managed to do the daring young man on the flying trapeze to Eren.
  5. God knows how long Erwin fucking Smith hung there like a piece of lettuce in the Titan’s teeth before deciding ‘welp, time to chop chop outta here’
  6. Erwin fucking Smith is a crazy bastard who needs to impregnate me or Levi as soon as possible.
2

Oh man I think my Chris Pine phase is growing back, so have a plethora of Kirk expressions, and Spock’s… one. There will be more caterpillar eyebrows on the horizon while Spock stares at these

Certain as the Sun: VII

Here is the next part to Certain as the Sun. ***WARNING: EXTREME EXPLICIT CONTENT***  I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as it killed my heart to write it. (That’s all the spoilers I’ll give. Please prepare yourselves). Sorry it’s also super long.

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I could think up about a million different possibilities as for why the hell Tamlin had sent for me to be brought to the Spring Court and none of them involved him letting Feyre go so that she could return home with me.

When I had first received the note from none other than the High Lord of the Spring Court himself, Amren had advised me to ignore it.

“It’s a trap,” she’d said, eyes blaring. “What good reason would he have to send for you?” When I’d addressed the rest of the Inner Circle as well, they’d had similar thoughts. There was one thing we all agreed upon, and that was that Tamlin had not invited me to his home for a nice brunch and some polite conversation.

When I’d tried to reach out to Feyre again I had been met with that dark, infinite void. She had not contacted him at all since she’d returned once again to the Spring Court. And although I was certain she must possess some perfectly good explanation unbeknownst to myself, it still struck some sort of chord that she had severed herself from me so thoroughly.

Nevertheless, I had agreed to meet with Tamlin. Morrigan and Amren were both waiting just on the outskirts of the Spring Court should I need their assistance. I’d ordered Azriel to take to the skies and keep watch from there, Cassian flanking my side. Normally, their roles were reversed, but in great thanks to that bastard King of Hybern, we still had not found any cure for Cassian’s ruined wings.

He had not yet come to terms with it, and over these past months, I could tell that there was something that was a bit off about my fellow Illyrian warrior. I could not begin to imagine the pain that came with being without your wings—for Illyrians we’d sooner lose our lives than the one thing that kept us from being fully tethered to the ground. Every day that Cassian chose to continue was another that my respect for him grew.

Even if that did mean getting rip-roaring drunk with him more than usual.

“Well, Tamlin’s certainly got a flair for the extravagant,” Cassian mused upon coming face to face with a ridiculously gaudy table sat decoratively in a corner. It seemed to have no use whatsoever besides showcasing Tamlin’s less than desirable personality traits.

No sooner did the words come from Cassian’s lips did a servant come to take us to wherever Tamlin was hiding out. He was a small, young Fae. Exceedingly pointed ears were a light shade of green at the tips, his eyes wide at the sight of the two warriors before him.

The boy swallowed before speaking. “Master Tamlin has ordered me to fetch you,” he said, fighting to stop his voice from quivering so much. “Please follow me.”

He promptly spun on his heels and walked out of the room, not bothering to ensure we were following him.

As we were led through the utter maze that was the Spring Court dwelling, I was shocked at how many memories were associated with this place that had once been like a home but was now nothing more than a living hell.

Finally, the boy led us to a set of dusty rose-colored double doors. His timid fingers lightly rapped on the door, followed by a, “Come in.”

As one we all filed inside. The room was big and spacious, a single table set with four chairs instead of just three did not escape my notice. This particular room had been peculiarly made with mirrors on three of the four walls, as well as the ceiling, giving it the illusion that you were standing in a pool of Starlight due to the sun that refracted off of them.

And standing at the lone window in the room was none other than the High Bastard himself.

Tamlin turned upon hearing our arrival, a welcoming smile adorning his lips. “Rhysand. Cassian,” he greeted. As he made his way over to us, I noted that his choice in clothing was just as flamboyant as his furniture. He wore a finely tailored red tunic with bright silver trimmings, grey pants, and black boots. His hair graced past his shoulders, and sitting atop his head was the infamous Spring Court crown. It looked decidedly uncomfortable.

“I trust you made it here without any trouble,” he continued.

“Your trust is accurately placed,” Cassian said with more than a hint of malice.

Tamlin just nodded, keeping that pleasant smile on his face. “Well, please sit. We’ve much to discuss.”

Neither Cassian nor I moved.

“I don’t have time for whatever mind tricks you’re trying to pull, Tamlin. Perhaps you’ve forgotten that that is one area—of many— that my performance supersedes yours,” I replied coolly.

That smile drooped ever slightly.

“I don’t see your Lady floating about,” I remarked. “Keeping her locked away for fear I may meddle with her mind again, are we?”

“Funny you should mention her, actually,” Tamlin’s eyes glittered with something that had my senses on high alert. “Feyre,” he called, “would you please join us?”

A moment later I heard the doors that we’d entered just a few moments ago open and then shut once more. I forced myself to breathe, not to react, to calm myself as Feyre came into view.

She was wearing a dress similar in fashion to what Tamlin was wearing, a pretty diadem sat upon her head. Feyre did not glance our way as she rushed to Tamlin, her lips meeting his as soon as he was within arm’s length.

Tamlin scooped her into his arms, Feyre leaning into his touch as his hand moved further south than should be permitted in front of an audience.

Cassian was taut as a bow, his hands clenching and unclenching were they were hidden behind his back. It took all my strength not to turn Tamlin’s mind to putty then and there, and I could tell similar thoughts were indeed running through Cassian’s mind as well as we were forced to watch helplessly as our High Lady shoved her tongue down another man’s throat.

“How are you today, my love?” He asked. She smiled broadly, one she had only ever graced me with when she was incandescently happy.

“I’m well, thank you,” she replied, beaming at him. “I got some more paintings done today.”

“Did you?”

She nodded, biting down on her lower lip, eyes sparkling. “I was feeling oddly inspired this morning…perhaps due to—”

“Either we get on with whatever business, or the two of you get a room and we leave,” Cassian interrupted. As much as I wished I could say that I would have been able to stand there for a few moments more and let them go about their business, it was killing me to see her this way.

When Feyre had visited, she’d told me she had to do things to keep up appearances. Things that she was not proud of. She hadn’t specified at the time, but there was no need. I knew exactly the kind of things she probably had to do to keep up the facade that she was hopelessly in love with Tamlin.

And yet, the wrath deafening my ears came as a surprise.

Indeed, it was one thing to be told, and another entirely to experience.

“Feyre, you remember Rhysand, I’m sure. And the other is Cassian. His…advisor.”

I couldn’t help the low chuckle that came as a result of his words. “You think you will anger me by disrespecting not only my title but a member of my court as well. It will take much more than a few insults, princeling, for me to reveal my true self.” His brows rose. “And I assure you, your claws would not like to become acquainted with my talons.”

He was quiet for a moment, eyes calculating.

Finally, he spoke. “You know what? You’re right. So very right, Rhysand. How foolish of me to think I could rile you with belittling you insignificant and, frankly, foolish court of savages anyway?” My teeth set. “It would take something much more…personal, I think.”

It took less than a heartbeat for Cassian to have his swords drawn, me reaching out to strangle Tamlin’s mind as the room was flooded with ten guards. They all immediately came at us, and I was more than prepared to fight our way out of this cursed kingdom with Tamlin tisked.

“Spill a drop of their blood, and your beloved mate loses her head.” It took me a moment to realize what he was saying, an infinitely longer moment for it to process. For when I looked at where Feyre had once been standing like another pretty piece of Tamlin’s furniture, she was now being held by three guards.

I forced my face into a mask of calm. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, you crazy bastard.”

His brows rose in mock surprise. “Oh really? You’ve no clue that Feyre is, indeed, your mate? That she’s been pretending this entire time to love me when really, she had staged everything just to infiltrate the Spring Court. A spy within my own walls, hiding in plain sight.” He paused, as if waiting for me to answer some unspoken question.

“Well then, if you have no feelings whatsoever for our lovely Feyre, here. I suppose you’ll have no problem watching this.” I watched as he snapped his fingers and a table decorated with over a dozen lethal weapons, a whip, and strangely, a bed appeared.

“As you know, the punishment for such treason is death.” He stalked towards Feyre, whose eyes had gone devoid of all emotion. As if she’d shut herself out of her own body. With one finger, he lifted her chin, forcing her to meet his gaze. “I’m sorry for this, Feyre. I really am.” A regretful shake of the head and then, “Get on with it, boys.”

Immediately, Tamlin’s guards began to strip Feyre, yanking at her dress, tearing at the pins and beads in her hair until she was entirely naked before us. Once finished, Tamlin handed a long, black whip to the nearest guard. Something winked at the end of the whip—glass, I realized with unabashed horror.

“You’re going to whip her to death?” I asked, somehow still managing to keep my voice utterly bored.

Tamlin shrugged. “We’ll see how well she holds out.” He nodded at the guard, and I was sure my heart cleaved itself in two as Feyre took in a deep, shuddering breath, preparing herself for the pain that was sure to come.

The guard’s arm reared back, time seeming to slow as his arm came down.

The resounding crack of leather on skin was one that would haunt me for many centuries to come.

Feyre only released a strangled cry, biting the inside of her cheek to keep from calling out. And that was how it went as the guard whipped her again, and again, and again. I lost count sometime after fifty.

I knew that Feyre’s back had stopped healing itself when she finally released a cry so full of agony, it was all I could do to stop from ripping that whip from the guard’s hands and using it myself.

Tamlin allowed the guard to bring down that leather ten more times before he finally said, “Enough. Get her up.”

They heaved her up, Tamlin slowly circling around her like a lion before its prey. When he was once again facing her he murmured, “Get on the bed.”

Feyre looked at him, her eyes burning like liquid amber. But she did not respond, and she did not move. Only stared at him with a look that promised death in the future.

“Get on the bed, Feyre, or I will instruct my guards to seize your mate’s cousin and bring her back here.”

“I don’t know who you’re talking about.”

“Pretty little thing isn’t she? Bright red lips, beautiful honeyed hair. The only family Rhysand has left if I recall correctly. It’d be a shame for dear Rhys to be the only left of his name, wouldn’t it?”

And then Feyre looked beyond Tamlin, her eyes locking with mine. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” they seemed to say.

“I’m going to kill you.” My voice was quiet, but it was filled with a vow I had every intention to keep.

Tamlin didn’t turn to me as he said. “I don’t believe you’ll have the chance.” He inclined his head toward the waiting bed. “Off you go, Feyre.”

She hesitated for a moment, gaze still locked with mine before she obeyed.

“Now, Rhys, since she is your mate I figured I’d offer. Would you like to have a go? Feyre has…well, not really two choices but two possibilities,” he finally turned to meet my gaze. “Either you join her in that bed and fuck her…or I will, gladly, as you watch. You’ve thirty seconds to decide.”

“Rhys.” I looked over at Feyre to see her shaking her head, her eyes swimming not with tears, but with a sort of determination that only came with acceptance. “Don’t do it. Do not agree to this.”

“Feyre—”

“I’ll be fine,” she promised.

“Feyre—” Cassian tried.

“I will. Be. Fine,” she said, sternly this time.

And I wanted to believe her, I really did.

I wanted to believe that this wouldn’t be the thing that broke her, being raped by the man who had once claimed to love her. I knew he wouldn’t be gentle with her, even after being whipped. The man who had once been thought to be her savior, lover, friend.

But Tamlin was none of those things.

And I couldn’t, not for the life of me, believe that she would still be Feyre after this.

“Alright,” Tamlin sighed, “I guess I’m—”

“I’ll do it.”

“Rhys—”

“Now, now, Feyre. Let him finish.”

Cassian turned to me, anguish in his eyes. “Rhysand, you don’t—”

“I’ll do it,” I repeated, ignoring him. “I’ll sleep with her.”

“Well then,” Tamlin grinned, “I don’t believe you need me to instruct you on how to go about your business.” He gestured towards Feyre, towards the bed, my damnation.

I watched in horror as Feyre fought back tears at my approach, and all I could pray for was that she’d one day forgive me for this, for this sin I was about to commit.

She slid to the side as I rid myself of my clothing, by back to Tamlin’s gathered audience. Her eyes never left mine as I finally joined her on that bed.

“It’s alright,” I whispered my lips at her ear. “It’s just me. It’s just me.”

She couldn’t respond, she was shaking so hard. I’d never seen her shaking so violently. Feyre lifted my chin with her finger, her head shaking.

“Don’t stop looking at me,” she begged. “Don’t leave me. Please.”

“I won’t,” I promised. “I won’t.”

Slowly, Tamlin be damned, I made sure to honor her body, despite all of the new scars, worshipping all of her newly inflicted wounds. I wanted Feyre to know it was me, that despite this terrible act we were being forced into, it did not mean that I loved her any less.

When I finally connected our bodies, she let out a slight gasp, her eyes, now swimming with tears, still never leaving mine as I moved, my body cocooning hers, careful of her wounds.

“I’m here,” I whispered down the bond, “I’m here. I won’t leave you. I love you.”

But all I was met with was an infinite void.

— windy days.

Genre: Angst + Minor Smut ➝ Sword Art Online AU

Pairing: Park Jimin x Reader.

Plot: Windy Days: an interactive game for the one’s who are brave enough to challenge it.tackle the 300 levels, select your difficulties, beat the game. Will you survive?

Warnings: Suggestive sexual content, threesomes, could have ended up as a full on gang-bang but I decided to against it, sexual language and character death.

Notes: Take a shot every time I include a meme in a sentence. Any mistakes will be fixed later!


“You’re seriously going to play this game?”

Jungkook leant over the back of Jimin’s chair, staring with curiosity at the neatly packaged video game sitting on Jimin’s desk. Opposed to Jungkook’s crazed stare and the panic in his eyes, Jimin couldn’t help but let out an excited yelp as his eager hands peeled away the packaging, his eyes soaking up the colours of the front of the box.

“You know people have died from this game, right? Already.” Jungkook reminded, trudging away to sit on the elder boy’s bed, letting his back lean against the plain wall. “And you want to willingly go inside of it?”

“Come on, Kook,” Jimin sighed, holding up the package. He couldn’t quite believe that it was in his hands, at last. “I’ve been saving up for this game since it was rumoured. And now, only a day after the release, I am ready to play. Isn’t that cool?”

No! Did you ignore the part about people dying?” Jungkook hissed. “What does your Mom think about this?”

Jimin shrugged, “She didn’t buy it. So, she can’t do anything about it.”

“What did our school say about this?” Jungkook inquired, and Jimin laughed loudly.

“Do you not know how many kids have brought this game, and are living the life inside of it right now?” Jimin reasoned, and Jungkook could only sigh with agreement. “I’d be surprised if more than half of the school returns next week.”

“Make sure you’re one of them,” Jungkook begged finally, playing with the threads in the blanket placed over the foot of the bed, which he had suddenly occupied his time with. “Mark keeps trying to call me, he’s so weird.”

Jimin wasn’t really listening, but nodded anyway and continued to stare excitedly down at the game.

He bloody well hoped so.

Keep reading

The First Time With Jeon Jungkook

Originally posted by junghotkookie

Genre: romance/fluff/ (Warning: Sexual words for educational purpose) 
Pairing: Jungkook/You
Length: 11350 words
Summary: This a series based on all of your first times with Jungkook from your childhood till when you both reach adult hood.

DON’T FORGET TO SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS IN THE COMMENTS/REQUEST BOX~

Links: PART 1
PART 2 PART 3 PART 4/ PART 5


The first time you both went through puberty

At the young age of fourteen years old, Jungkook was slowly getting hit by the reality that girls were something way more different than what he thought. After feeling that pit of rage in his stomach that caused him to experience jealousy, he was now starting to feel something new, strange and confusing. Something that made his body react with him. A new experience that made him uncomfortable about himself. A new feeling that was leading him to slowly take a distance from any living female form. He’d reassure himself and think it was you and not him. Being together with you since kindergarten was amazing and all but as much as he was changing, you were changing as well. Your sudden change brought him to react. He always avoided humans of the opposite sex since childhood and you were the only one close to him which brought him discomfort and awkwardness. How could he keep on being normal around you when he was slowly feeling weird with all of these changes?

‘’Why is it getting so hot in here?’’ jungkook would fan himself while slowly pulling on his tie

‘’Ooh~~ Jungkook-ah… What’s up with the sudden warmth? It’s snowing outside” Hoseok laughs

“Maybe he’s still going through some body changes” Yoongi comments with a subtle smirk

“What are you guys talking about?!” Jungkook glares at them

“You know… the usual changes…” hoseok taps his chin

“I really don’t see where you’re going with this, Jung Hoseok” Jungkook rolls his eyes as he slowly untied his tie “We just had P.E an hour ago”

“No need to act up, it’s all natural…” yoongi opens his textbook “…to feel some heat” he wiggle his eyebrows

“You crazy bastard” Hoseok chuckled “Are you talking about what I think you’re talking about?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about” Jungkook shots

“Of course he’d pull out the clueless card” Yoongi chewed on his gum coolly

“Jungkook doesn’t pull the clueless card man, he’s actually clueless” Hoseok nudges Yoongi “Look at him. That shook face is anything but aware of what’s going on with those body changes.”

Jungkook decides to ignore his friends and pulls out his school supplies from his bag before sighing. God only knows why he befriended these two idiots. The only classes they shared were P.E and Biology yet they still stuck onto him like glue. Hoseok was absolutely thrilled when he learned that Jungkook his kindergarten classmate was attending the same middle school as him. Having Yoongi sticking to Hoseok all the time, the two of them became friends with Jungkook. The only difference between them was that jungkook would always be one step behind what’s going on. He wasn’t fast to catch on. It wasn’t his nature to be that way but he wanted to avoid anything new that’d throw him off the edge.

As his friends were having some strange discussion he refused to take part in, he notices your presence. He tilts his head to the side as he watches you making your way to enter the classroom. Your gorgeous hair complimenting your feminine face and soft features as your school uniform only made you look prettier. That dress shirt tucked in your skirt seemed to have some weird effect on Jungkook, some unknown magic or some sorcery that’d make him a little flustered.

“Don’t you see the words innocence slowly vanishing from his face at the time we’re talking?” Hoseok shook his head while eyeing jungkook staring at you

“What are you staring at?” Jimin drops his bag on the floor and takes the seat behind jungkook

“N-Nothing.” Jungkook sighs before turning around to look at his friend “I was contemplating whether I should enroll for soccer or climbing” he stares at his hands

“Ooh~ you have some interest in doing more sports?”Jimin replies sweetly “You’re already taking taekwondo aren’t you?”

“Y-Yeah but I mean… it’s not bad to try out something new” jungkook was caught off guard

“Try out something new, my butt” Jimin chuckled before shocking jungkook with his low creepy voice “I know you were basically ogling at Y/N. No need to hide it from your buddies, buddy” he’d punch jungkook’s arm while the latter rubs his sensitive arm in response

“That hurts. AND NO I-I WASN’T STARING”

“Sure you were staring at the door or the desk next to her” Jimin sighs

“Y/N just looks different lately …” Jungkook comments to jimin in a low tone

“Oh yeah?” Jimin flips the page of his book before adjusting his alluring glasses “Different? Hm. I wonder. “He taps his chin “Maybe you’re the one who sees her under a new light. I got to admit she’s pretty cute…” he smiles softly as he watches you talking with your other friend

“Yeah I guess she’s cute” Jungkook raises an annoyed brow at how jimin just called you cute.

“Yeah, super CUTE” Jimin smirks while lowering his glasses, making sure to break a nerve on jungkook’s face by pissing him off.

“I don’t even blame you, she’s so cute I can’t even keep my eyes off her” Jungkook replied shooting daggers from his eyes

“Yeah, so cute I almost want to ask her out” jimin’s smug facial expression grew bigger

He knew exactly where to push the buttons to make jungkook angered. Jimin found this sight of his friend so entertaining. He was aware of everything since childhood thanks to his very good observation skills . He saw Jungkook growing and getting redder by the day. Jimin knew everything and decided to keep it to himself while playing along with his friend in order to make him realize that you were more than mere childhood friend.

“PARDON?” Jungkook stands up and hits his fist on his desk

“Shit back down Romeo and don’t make a scene “Jimin stared at jungkook before chuckling “You may not know it, but I’m your fairy god mother”

“Have you finally reached the end of crazy, Park Jimin?” Jungkook scoffed “First you talk about dating Y/N and then you bring up Fairy godmothers. Did Yoongi punched you that bad for you to be spouting this non sense?”

“Yoongi broke his wrist because of that” Jimin commented “We were boxing, I never expected him to get hurt when I was the one who got punched in the face”

“Yeah. Thank you Jimin for breaking my wrist again. I wasn’t forced to run ten laps with the group in P.E this morning” Yoongi stares at jimin

“Yoongi are you a Masochist? Do you enjoy torture? Or maybe you like Jimin hurting you” Hoseok asks in a scandalized tone

“Who cares about getting hurt, I still got exempted from the ten laps run this morning, so I’m still happy. I don’t want to waste my stamina on such a waste of time” Yoongi rolled his eyes

“What stamina is even residing inside your body?” Hoseok scoffed

“The one I use to make diss tracks against you”

“I’m TELLING YOUR MOTHER.” Hoseok points at Yoongi

“DON’T TELL MY MOTHER” Yoongi eyes shot open“ I HAVE PIANO LESSONS TONIGHT. DO YOU WANT BOTH OF US TO DIE???!!”

“You still haven’t told your mom about your love for rap?” Hoseok blinks

“I-I just can’t ….” Yoongi sighs before rubbing his sensitive wrist “Oww… I don’t even know if I’ll be able to play tonight with my wrist being like this. Let’s hope the lesson gets canceled.”

“Your face must be like a rock to hurt Yoongi like this. You hard headed shorty.” Jungkook stares at Jimin

“Not as much as you. You only gained in height and nothing else” Jimin fires back

“Oh you want to start it?!” Jungkook glares back at jimin

What jimin said next was unexpected and brought jungkook completely off the hook.

“Spill it. What bothers you this time?” Jimin sighs before supporting his face with his fist on his cheek “Is it the way she smiles? How her hair looks different? How girly are fingers are? Or maybe…Oh I get it. Is it the length of her skirt that is bothering you?” Jimin nodded “Sure, I can tell that her skirt might look shorter than the usual” he sticks out his tongue

Jungkook could feel that sudden blood rush through his veins and his cheeks turning a slight shade of red. He was busted again. Jimin knew everything and it wasn’t the first time that Jungkook shared his distress over you with the boy. Everyday he’d end up talking to jimin about how something looks or seems different. What he didn’t knew was that the problem wasn’t you, but him. He was the one changing and having you gradually changing just like him brought him so much confusion.

Jungkook’s Jungshook thoughts were processing through his brain before he got the shock of his life thanks to his other friend.

“What are you talking ABOUT, MY YOUNG EVOLVING MALE SPECIES!!!!??” Taehyung randomly pops out of nowhere as he slings his arms around the boys’ necks “Ooh~~~ what is this heavy tension here…?”

“What’s with the sudden ‘male specie’?” Jimin looked perplexed and on the verge to laugh “Why am I a Specie? I need some explanations bruh. You can’t call me like that and expect me to—“

“BUT PARK JIMIN. DIDN’T YOU HEAR ABOUT IT???!!” Taehyung shouted

“About what?” Jimin lifts his head in interest “Did you find a girl who’s willing to kiss you with that remaining chocolate on your face?” Jimin chuckled “You ate a cake before coming to class didn’t you?”

“How did you know?” Taehyung blinked innocently  

“Wipe off your face dude, you have chocolate everywhere from your lips to your cheeks” Jungkook laughed while throwing his handkerchief at Taehyung

“Oh… maybe that’s why Jennie was laughing when she saw me” Taehyung’s eyes rounded in shame

“Did you just embarrass yourself in front of Jennie?!! For real?” Jimin burst in laughter “Jennie the cute one with the nice smile?” he replies in his busan accent

“Who’s Jennie?” Jungkook asks

“You don’t know Jennie? WHERE DO YOU LIVE? WHAT ARE YOU.HOW DO YOU KEEP UP WITH LIFE?” Hoseok shouts from the background

“Don’t blame the kid, he refuses to socialize with females since kindergarten” jimin replies

“You still haven’t replied to my question” Jungkook frowns “Who’s Jennie? And why are you making a fuss over her?”

“I’ll tell you one thing or two my little jungkookie” Hoseok puts his arm around jungkook’s shoulder “Jennie Kim is the queen who steals your heart with a smile and never gives it back. “

“Do you like her?” jungkook asks innocently while Hoseok chokes on his water

“ More like he’s low key obsessed with her but he’s too shy to even go see her” Jimin chuckles

“Who’s shy?!!!I’m not shy!” Hoseok scowled

“Tsk tsk tsk…. And Taehyung embarrassed himself in front of her, way to go kim Tae” jimin comments

“It’s okay, I still love chocolate more than girls. Food before girls.” Taehyung makes a thumbs up

“ Jennie is way out of your league Tae, even if you wanted her she wouldn’t even glance at you” Jimin commented

“I actually second that one, Tae, Let’s pick food no matter what” jungkook extends his hand for a bro fist with taehyung

“Yeah maybe if you look at food, you won’t look at Y/N differently” Jimin stares into space before a smirk creeps up his lips “Or maybe you won’t be able to get her off your head while looking at food”

“What?” Jungkook blinks

Jimin was implying something but seeing that his friend was too oblivious and innocent to catch on the hidden message, he decided to shrug it off and do as if he didn’t said anything.

“No nothing” Jimin shook his head “So what’s up Tae? Didn’t you had some high key super exciting news to announce?”

“OMG YES! TODAY WE’RE LEARNING HOW BABIES ARE MADE” Taehyung giggled

And with that Jungkook’s jaw dropped ten floors down threatening to dislocate his jaw. Of course, he’d never pay attention to lectures as the usual but this time it was different. Whether he wanted it or not, he’d end up paying attention to this lecture because it was way more than just a lecture.

“In other words, we’re learning reproduction” yoongi commented

“R-REPRODUCTION??!!” Jungkook gasped as cold sweats formed on his neck

“Look at Jungkook getting all red and bothered” Hoseok burst out laughing

“I didn’t hear about this?” Jimin furrowed his brows

“Me neither” yoongi blinked

“Are you guys that ignorant?! Seriously??!!!! It was my first time to ever listen in class” taehyung replies  “I can’t believe you don’t pay attention to class.”

“Are you for real? I’m the only one who takes notes in this squad of dumb idiots. There’s no way I missed such an important detail” Jimin shook his head

“Missing which details?”

The sudden tone of your girly voice shut all the guys off from the conversation they were having. Yoongi pretended to be asleep, Hoseok was randomly petting yoongi’s hair while Jungkook was freezing on his seat stiffly .Jimin simply smiled softly at you and Taehyung was ready to throw himself on you with excitement, like the usual.

“Y/n!!! You won’t BELIEVE IT!!!” Taehyung grabbed your hands gently in his bigger ones

“What is it? “You smiled brightly “You’re so smiley smiley” you laughed at your friend

Jungkook and Jimin both shared a look with each other before jimin nodded and decided to take the matter in his hands

“Hey… Taehyung sit back down on your seat will you” Jimin pulled taehyung by the back of his collar to make him sit beside him “And BE QUIET”

“Why?! I was just going to share the good news with Y/N!” Taehyung pouts

“Good news?” You ask

“THERE’S NO GOOD NEWS! I don’t know why you call this good news but it definitely sounds like anything but good to me” Jungkook shook his head while his eyes were slowly getting larger from the shock he just got

“What is it?” You poke Jimin’s shoulder “Tell me!”

“I don’t think it’s something you need or want to know” Jimin rolled his eyes

“Wow, so you’re going to keep this for yourselves and leave me in ignorance?” you scoff “It’s a guy thing again?” you frown

“I promise you Y/N, It’s nothing you’d be thrilled about” Jimin sighed “Taehyung is just being dumb again”

“Y/N, THEY’RE BULLYING ME AGAIN” taehyung points at jimin before sticking his tongue out

“Leave him alone” You pull taehyung to your side and ruffle his hair lovingly

“He copies everything you do girl, how can you bear with him?” Hosoek tilts his head “Are you sisters or something?” he chuckles

“Shut up Jung Hoseok and give me a massage” Yoongi order Hoseok who proceeds with giving a shoulder massage to yoongi

Jungkook tenses as he looks at you interacting with Taehyung as closely as he had that side glare ready to cut a bitch. He wasn’t feeling the way you were ruffling Taehyung’s hair today. There’s was too much action between your fingers and Taehyung’s scalp for jungkook to not feel envious.

“Jeon Jungkookiieeeee~~~~” you turn around to look at a bothered jungkook

He had all those thoughts flying through his head back and forth. The way you touched Taehyung’s hair was bothering him again yet it was only natural for you to make such a gesture towards your friend. He knew in fact that all of this was abnormal and friends shouldn’t get jealous over things like these.

“Hey…” you poke his shoulder “are you okay?” You furrow your brows while looking at jungkook’s focused gaze

“Where were you?” Jungkook asks without looking at you and opening up his book

“Oh, I was with Lisa” You smiled at him awkwardly “You know that new transferred student from Thailand? She’s super sweet! I just had to make her visit the school”

“Lisa” jungkook nodded his head along as if he knew who you were talking about

“You don’t know her right?” You chuckled “She’s that student with blonde hair and caramel highlights .She’s so pretty”

“Yeah, I guess she’s good” Jungkook nodded uninterested

“She’s just good? Jungkook-ah… Lisa is a goddess” Taehyung replies dreamily “She blessed our school with her presence”

“Oh god, jungkook doesn’t know who Lisa is? Are you SERIOUS?!”Hoseok  blinked

“Exactly what I’m saying. You can’t miss Lalisa and her swag~” Taehyung replies dreamily “And she smells so good”

“Does she?” Yoongi raises a brow “Did you sniff her?”

“Y-You’re ridiculous! I just lent her a hoodie yesterday and she gave it back that’s all!” Taehyung blinked

“Okay?” Jungkook raised a brow “So you like her?” he asked again

“Why does jungkook asks us this question every time a girl is involved” Hoseok blushes “You’re making me all flustered”

“I don’t know man, you just seem too enthusiastic about it” Jungkook comments

“what IS WRONG WITH YOUR PANTS JUNGKOOK?! THIS IS LISA WE’RE TALKING ABOUT. LISA IS LIKE A NUCLEAR BOMB. SHE MADE MY HEART EXPLODE” Hoseok shouts from the background

“Ew hoseok “you stare at Hoseok “What’s with the sudden pants talk” you nudged his arm

“That’s because pants talks are a must in middle school” Hoseok nodded

“What is he saying” you shook your head “That’s gross and pants talk are definitely not of your age”

“He’s basically trying to tell you subtly that we’re having sex-ed today for the first time” yoongi reply nonchalantly

“Oh well the secret is out of the bag now “jungkook face palmed “Why Did you felt the need to tell her such an unnecessary detail??!” he scowls at yoongi

“Someone had to voice it out and it’s only natural that someone with swag said it first” yoongi smirked

“Oh, so that’s why you were all acting weird ” you stared at them

“Weird? Who’s weird? I’m not acting weird…” jungkook’s eyes widen as he gulps on his saliva

“Who even talked about you” You stared at jungkook “Why? Do you feel concerned?” you nudge his shoulder and he tenses up

“N-Not at all?!” he stares at the ceiling “You’re the one acting up all strange”

“I don’t see why I’d be acting weird. Sex is something natural” you reply

“Oh well shit, how COME THIS WORD COME OUT OF YOU WITH NO SHAME??!!” Hoseok blushes a third shade of red

“Because there’s nothing to be ashamed of?” you raise a brow “You guys are overreacting over nothing “

“Overreact? “ Jungkook lifts up his face to meet eyes with yours “It may seem easy for you, but it’s different for us”

“What is easy? How different is it” you prop yourself to sit on Jungkook’s desk as it’s a habit you got used to.

As Jungkook senses your presence sitting on his desk he immediately turns his head the other way. He gulps on his saliva and his palms get sweaty as soon as his gaze falls on the soft skin of your thighs. Jimin may have been right in a certain way, your skirt was bothering him because it brought too much attention to your soft legs. The way you crossed your legs and how he had a perfect side vision of you.

“I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about this” jungkook makes a face before untying the side of his tie and loosening up his shirt

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

I went through your blog and I cry every time, it's so beautiful! So, how would the companions(+Maxson) react is SS tackled then to the ground and shielded them from an explosion?

Thank you for your kind words Anon, people like you keep me going! Hope you all enjoy this one~

Cait: She stares up at Sole for a while, feeling the heat of the explosion wash over them. Cait studies their features and their gaze carefully, before realizing that they had both been staring at each other for a little too long. A small blush creeps along Cait’s cheeks and she shoves them off in the anger. “I didn’t need your help.”

Curie: Curie cowers beneath Sole’s body, holding her hands to her face to hide herself. Slightly shaken from the explosion, she shivers furiously and Sole has to hold onto her shoulders to calmly tell her it’s okay. She manages to take her hands away from her face and staring up into Sole’s eyes she mutters a ‘Thank You’.

Paladin Danse
: He wasn’t too sure how it happened, but he was laying on the floor in the dirt with Sole directly on top of him. The explosion died out and the whining in Danse’s ear soon faded away. Danse stared up at Sole, their head laying on his power armor chest and suddenly felt a little fuzzy inside. Weakly, Sole raised their head, their hair sloping messily across their face. “Are you okay?”

Deacon: Deacon waits for Sole to stand back up again but they don’t. The two stare at each other for a while, Sole’s rough hands grabbing tightly onto Deacon’s shoulders, small bits of hair hanging down over their face. Breaking the silence, Deacon begins to laugh and rolls Sole over so that he was now on top of them. “What were you thinking, you crazy bastard?”

MacCready: The smaller man grunted slightly when he felt his body hit the floor. He could feel the heat from the explosion, only a few feet away from them and he realised that he could’ve very easily lost a leg. Opening his eyes, he sees a familiar face staring down at him. Sole! Was it them that saved him? MacCready blinks before shoving Sole off, “Why were you staring at me Boss?…” 

Hancock: Was that Sole that just tackled him to the ground? He couldn’t tell, as the sound of the explosion, loud and deafening, clouded his hearing for a while. It wasn’t until he felt Sole stir on top of him that he opened his eyes. “What’d you do that for, huh? You could’ve got hurt, you idiot…” Hancock hisses, playfully slapping their cheek with a grin.

Piper: As her small frame hit the ground, Piper gave out a small squeak underneath Sole, her eyes closed shut tightly. It was a while before she opened her mouth to shakily ask if she was still alive. Sole’s laughter reassured her that she wasn’t dead just yet and she opened her eyes wide to see Sole staring down at her. “Thanks Blue…”

Nick Valentine: “Sole!” he gasps, staring up at them with angry eyes, “What the hell do you think you’re doing! I’m meant to be the one protecting you!”
Sole woozily raised their head from Nick’s chest and smiled weakly down at the Synth beneath him, closing their eyes afterwards. Nick rolls his eyes and he pushes them off of him lightly. “Never do that again…”

Preston Garvey: “G-General!” he blurts out, panicking almost immediately. He sits up and Sole drowsily looks up at him with a smile, the two sat in a patch of dirt near the side of the road. “Are you okay?” he asks, starting to check for any burns or damage to Sole. The two stayed in silence for a while, both staring at each other before a small smile crept across Sole’s face, them nodding at Preston to reassure him.

X6-88: As soon as the explosion fully stops, he sits up sharply and gets Sole to sit up. “What did you do that for sir/ma’am?” he asks, confused as to why they were protecting him. Sole didn’t answer, still a little disorientated thanks to the explosion. X6 takes them straight to a doctor, just to double check, despite them protesting.

Bonus!Elder Maxson: Almost as soon as he is knocked to the ground he rolls Sole over and pins them down on the ground. Intense anger was shown plainly in his face, his eyebrows furrowed. “Knight, what the hell do you think you were doing” he growled, his large hands gripping tightly onto the collar of Sole’s clothing. They tried to say something, spitting out incoherent words, but they were quickly stopped by a sigh coming from the Elder. His grip loosened and he let go of the collar, not meeting their eyes. It was a while before he mumbled a few words. “Don’t, ever risk your life for me again… You could’ve got seriously hurt…” 

#15: My First Time/#21. Cracked

Juice Ortiz/Reader

Prequel to #20. Diet and #18. Borrowed


“Holy shit!” Juice yelled, jumping up as number 12—Rossi—hit a home run. “I think he cracked the fucking bat!” I laughed at how adorably enthused he was, since only a few hours ago he’d been whining and griping to come here. Baseball, it turns out, wasn’t something he thought he would ever enjoy.

“This is awesome, baby,” he laughed, plopping down again and pulling me into a fierce side-hug. “I am so sorry I ever doubted that I’d enjoy this. We should do it more often!”

“Juan,” I laughed, pulling back slightly, “I love that you’re having a great time, and you know I love you so, so much, but you’re definitely going to have to bring one of the guys with you to this next time, my dear. Because I fucking hate baseball, but it would have been so incredibly rude to turn down the tickets from my boss.” He pouted a little and I leaned over, kissing him on his cheek. “Sorry, sweetie.”

“But, babe,” he whined, begging now; the crowd erupted into cheers as the batter brought two of his teammates into home plate, causing Juice to yell a bit. “What’s not to love about this place? There’s beer, hot dogs, and my irresistible face,” he teased, waggling his eyebrows.

I simply crossed my arms and stared at him, quirking my own eyebrow for emphasis.

“Ok, you hate beer, and you’re not fond of sports in general, but my face!? You love my face!”

“I do love your face,” I cooed, kissing the pout off his lips. “But I hate this game. Maybe Chibs or Hap’ll come with you next time. He likes bats! Although for a totally different reason…”

“Aww, fine” he huffed, “I’ll drag Chibs next time. Party pooper.”

“I love you, Juan.” I laced my fingers through his and put my head on his shoulder, batting my eyelashes at him.

“All right, all right,” He sighed, kissing my forehead. “No need for dramatics. I love you too. And thanks, baby.”

“For?”
“Dragging me to this damn game. Never thought I’d like it—not exactly something my stepdad ever took me to or anything. So…thanks for making my first time, the best time. Yea?”

“Any time, baby, any time.”

We watched the game in relative silence for a while after that, except when something good happened and Juice would cheer and stomp with the rest of the crowd. I just watched him, having a great time and being free from club stress for the first time in a while. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for this man…well—almost nothing.

“So,” he asked, breaking the silence between us, “Does that mean proposing on a big screen is probably out?”

I shoved his shoulder, both of us laughing so hard, we were nearly in tears.

“You’re such a dork, Juan Ortiz.”

“Yea, I know,” he laughed, kissing my temple. “But I’m your dork.”


“Oh, come on! Penalty!” Juice yelled, leaning up quickly and nearly sloshing his beer into Chib’s lap.

“Oi! Juicey! Watcher!” Chibs yelled, jumping up as well and just barely managing to miss the spill. Juice mumbled an apology and flopped back into his seat.

“Dun’ know wha’ yer getting’ s’ damn uppity abou’, lad,” Chibs complained, sitting back down and taking a sip of his own glass. “This game is dull as shite! Cricket’s more fun ‘n this, or football! Not yer Yankee shite, neither—”, quite a few glares were thrown his way, but he pressed on—“but real football!”

“Chibby, maybe we can go a bit easy on bashing American football?” Juice asked, nervously, scratching the back of his head. “But, ‘tell ya what, if you can sit through a few games of baseball with me, no complains; I’d be happy to join you to watch a few games of soccer, k?”

“Hmm…Throw in some o’ yer Ol’ Lady’s brownies, and ye’ve got yerself a deal, lad! Now, explain to me what th’ bloody fuck is the point of a round bat?! What moron though’ tha’ up?!”

“Shaddup and drink your beer, ya crazy bastard,” Juice laughed, nudging Chibs with his arm before they both turned back to the game.


Kudos again to the lovely @a-daydreamers-stories and the wonderful @red-w00dy ;D

We Never Hurt Nobody... Well Except For That Time We Forgot to Kill a Witness [A Meet-the-Mercs Tf2 Headcanon] (HUGE POST!)

How did the Mercs learn about each other’s past? Are they open about it? 

Preface:

The answers are, one night during dinner, and they are very open about it, in fact they make a lot of jokes about it.

The Mercs are a bunch of jovial and cold-hearted mercenaries. Not so surprising, right? Well the thing is you don’t become a jovial and cold-hearted mercenary by doing jack diddly squat, you had to have done something in your past life that got you this far as a hired killer. In the case of the Mercs that one dinner was a real eye-opener. 

Let’s set up a scene:

It was the eighth night the Mercs officially had dinner together, they had gotten to know each other over the last week but they never got to actually know each other. Questions were buzzing in each of their heads, with the exception of the Heavy and Pyro, of what did these other crazy bastards do to get themselves working for RED. It had all started with Scout, unsurprisingly.

The sound of Tom Jones’s blessed voice was radiating from a record player from the corner of the dining room.

Jeremy had just taken a bite from a bloody Texas Rib-eye, lovingly prepared by Mr. Dell Conagher, when he finally decided to pop one of, possibly the most, dangerous questions to ask to a bunch of hungry, exhausted, and fairly insane mercenaries. 

So… um. What’d you boys do to get a gig like this?” He pointed his fork towards the group from his position at the head of the table.

At first there was silence, the other Mercs had stopped what they were doing and simultaneously turned toward the youngest member of their newly put together team. Just as the silence settled a roar of threats and violence erupted from table.

Lawrence had thrown his plate to the side and unsheathed his massive Bowie knife. He pointed it towards Scout but shifted it then towards Spy, who he’d been suspicious of since the first day.

As Sniper began threatening the Spy, Tavish shattered his bottle of Scrumpy and waved it towards Scout threateningly and began shouting at the boy, “The fuck you just ask me lad?! I’ll fuckin’ end ya, ya hear me boy? I swear on me father’s grave I’ll make you wish ya never asked me that!

On the far end of the table Dr. Ludwig just eyed everyone with suspicion and contempt, he was waiting for one of them to make a move for him. Mikhail, The Heavy, leaned back and kept his arms crossed. He knew that if anyone tried to touch him, whomever they may be, they would be a dead man. Feeling the spiteful gaze of Dr. Ludwig on him, he looked over at the Medic who was giving him a suspicious glare. The two exchanged intense eye-contact but after a few moments of silent recognition of each-other’s strengths they then shifted their attention towards the other Mercs who looked to be preparing themselves for a brawl.

On the right-side of the table The Pyro, an unknown person of unknown gender and ethnicity, stared blankly at Scout, their mask’s lenses hid the cold unfeeling anger that burned in their eyes. Scout didn’t know what to do, but he immediately grabbed a butter knife and had it ready in case of anything.

Across from Lawrence, Marcel, in response to The Sniper’s accusation that he was out to get him for killing that woman in Melbourne, immediately raised his revolver and aimed it towards his adversary’s head. The two were literally having a game of chicken, but were waiting for the other to make a move. This didn’t perturb the other Mercs. The Demo continued to threaten Scout in a drunken and slurred fashion, while the others seemed to either stare or shout at one another.

Mr. Doe, after hearing Scout’s question however, had flung himself out of his chair, raced towards the boy, and shouted obscenities at him as he got closer and closer with a fork in hand, ready to gouge out Jeremy’s eyes. “I WILL KILL YOU! YOU DIRTY COMMUNIST SPY!

However, lucky for the youngest member of the team, Dell ripped off his glove and punched the man square in the chest with his mechanical arm. This punch stopped The Soldier dead in his tracks and in that very moment everyone stopped their angry threats and shouting and looked over at the Engineer. He had unholstered a pistol and aimed it at Scout’s head. “Boy, you asked a really dumb question, now didn’t ya.” he spoke in his light southern drawl.

The two stared at one another, the fear in Scout’s eyes were visible, he dropped the knife and spoke quietly. “I just thought I’d ask.” He gulped.

“Oh Boy. you wanna know what I did?” He took the time to pause, “I killed man by myself.” The Engineer stated. Dell didn’t just kill a single man, he’s killed a fair number of people, but being the intelligent man he was, he knew the best way to deescalate the growing pressure in the room was to get the boys to meet one another.

“Oh yeah, tubbo? I freakin dodged the Draft, got enlisted anyways, got captured by the Vietcong, killed almost everyone in the whole frickin prison camp, brought back a few prisoners and lead those same boys on suicide missions for the US Military until Ms. Pauling got me out of that shit-show.” He slammed his fist on the table with sudden confidence. His Boston accent burst into everyone’s ears, “You think you’re some kind of badass Mr. I-killed-A-guy!?”

Dell didn’t take too kindly to this, “Listen here ya Draft-Dodging Son-of-a-Bitch, I didn’t just kill nobody. I killed the bastard that hurt my daughter.” The Texan spoke darkly, he clutched and opened his robot hand to relieve stress. “I threw that sum-bitch into an Oil Derrick. Got his head squashed like a watermelon. Boss didn’t know nothin about it as I was his buddy and all. Ain’t nobody as good as me gonna do something that bad.” He chuckled darkly. 

“After that, went on a job hunt, found myself makin all sorts of contraptions. Made this thing here.” He raised his arm to show off his hand,” and this little ol’ number right here.” He swung open a closet door and a large box fell down. The metal box collapsed and a sentry-gun, of his own design, built itself right in the dining room. He then quickly pulled out a remote-control and shot a hole in space between Scout’s legs. Luckily for the youngest man, the bullet missed his pants by a narrow margin. “I’m an amiable soft-spoken man, boy. Don’t test me. I worked hard for 11 PhDs and broke my damn back workin on the oilfields. I ain’t gonna get mouthed off to by some draft-dodgin’ city-slicker.”

The younger man crossed his arms and scowled, “still can’t beat me ya gas-station monkey.” Scout retorted, but that comment only earned him a sneer from Dell, who was also aiming the gun to shoot the Scout in the head.

“Really?” Sniper said, sarcastically surprised, forcing the others to switch their attention to him. “You bloody wankers may have hunted men for a few years, but I’ve hunted the biggest bloody game for years in the outback. I’ve hunted the biggest cats in the jungles of Africa and South America, and Moose the size of bloody trees in the tundra of Alaska.” The tone in his voice told stories none of the men were prepared for, they could feel the hunter had dealt with some kind of primordial fear while being in the wilds. “Nearly got mauled by a pack of wolves, ya know. I even got stuck by Bull Moose, broke 10 bones in me body.” he paused, the Mercs were astonished.

“But you don’t wanna hear that, now do ya.” He looked at everyone and continued, “Wanan know why I’m here? I killed me wife, now it ain’t cause I wanted to, the bitch wanted me dead, so I bludgeoned her to death with me granddad’s ol’ golf trophy. When I realized I liked killing, I made a business. Killed 47 people as a gun for hire across the globe. I even bagged me a politician down in Melbourne comin to visit the Minister. Domed her with a big ol’ round to the head, right between the eyes.” He took a bullet from his chest pocket and twirled it in his hand. He then crossed his arms in satisfaction and smiled.

The room went silent with respect for the Aussie. Then, down the table from Sniper a loud thump broke the silence. “I can beat that,” The Demo piped from his seat, as he tossed the broken bottle in the trash. “I blew up me ol’ grammar school ‘cause me parents left me there from birth. Killed me first set of adoptive parents with nothin but a wee bit of sulfur ta’ make some gunpowder.” His thick Scottish-accented voice shook the table with force. “When me real parents found me they trained to me make even better explosives for the rest of me bloody life. Killed a good many men tryin to hurt me and mine. I even got arrested and broke out of an English prison with nothin but a cup of water, a deck o’ playin card, and a chair leg.” 

As Demo finished the Soldier got up from his position on the ground, he’d been laying there clutching his chest since Dell punched him, but he was paying attention, “Yer nothin but a lyin Englishman!” Soldier announced, garnering everyone’s attention as he got up off the floor. “I killed over a thousand men. I studied how to use every single gun I know today by myself and by hand! I fought Nazis up until the War ended in 1949, and I stand by these truths as stated in the Constitution of the United States. GOD BLESS AMERICA!” He shouted with patriotic zeal. 

The reaction he got was nothing but skepticism. But after Dr. Ludwig piped in and explained the truth, the Mercs were quickly swayed to the Soldier’s side. 

Scout then chirped in after the Medic explained the situation with Soldier. “Well what the hell did you do Deutsch-bag, you don’t look like you can kill anybody… Ya frickin Hospital Nurse.” The other Mercenaries didn’t laugh.

The Medic stood up to his feet. He stared them all down, some visible surprise could be seen on their faces as he looked at each of them in the eyes. “Do you wish to know what I did?” He said curtly. 

The tense silence affirmed him to continue, “I killed 23 Nazi officials, by hand. I even experimented on 5 of them, I embedded a Baboon Uterus in one, froze another, and stitched multiple arms on another one’s body as he screamed and begged for God to kill him. There were two more but I have no interest in acknowledging them right now.” He stopped to take a sip of wine. “I also castrated most or all of them with what I had on hand at the time, which was usually a piece of sheet metal.  It was a relatively gory affair, but I would like to make it clear, I will not hesitate to do the same to you if you dare call me a “Deutsch-Bag” again, Herr Deluca.” He ended with a piercing gaze traced towards Scout’s forehead. Dr. Ludwig’s tone was darker and heavier than the others.

The Sniper coughed awkwardly hoping to ease the tension. The rest of the team seemed to shift in their seats, most of them felt a little sorry for the boy. “Hey, listen Doc, I’m sorry I called ya that, but um-”

The ever patient doctor just rose his hand to signal him to stop. Jeremy simply shifted his gaze downwards and stared at his plate in submission.

Silence once again over took the 9 mercenaries but when the Pyro began flicking a lighter, the others turned their attention towards… It. 

Pyro sat there and stared at the little flame, but as Sniper was about to ask a question the Pyro tilted it’s head and brought the lighter close to the lenses of their mask. 

After seeing that almost equally as horrifying action by their resident Pyro, the Mercs then shifted their gaze, out of fear, to The Spy. He simply stated after taking a drag of his cigarette and exhaling, “my information is personal Gentlemen, but I will tell you this. I killed a very important man, I liberated France, I broke out of prison 71  times, killed almost all the guards in two prison breaks, was convicted of high-treason, murder, theft, attempt of assassination, assassination, man-slaughter, and a whole slew of other crimes, et cetera.” He took another drag and let off a puff of smoke and casually put out his cigarette on Pyro’s suit. “Gentlemen, I will not share anything any further, it’s not you, but if I told you anymore, I would be obliged to fill this room with neurotoxin.” The team just motioned to him to not fill the room with neurotoxin and they turned their gaze to the Heavy.

The last merc that hadn’t shared his story was the big Russian man who’d been casually sitting there with his arms crossed almost napping but he awoke when he felt their gaze on him. 

They waited for him to speak, and he rose from his seat. He was a towering mass of muscle and anger fueled hatred. “I broke out of Russian Gulag. Killed all the guards, and saved family. I own a big gun, her name is Sasha. Do not cross me, or I will end you.” He bluntly stated. The large man just sat back down.

The Mercs sat there and stewed in the shortened stories of everyone’s lives. But as they returned to eating their cold dinner it didn’t take long before the first cackle exploded from Scout’s mouth. He sat there laughing at the absurdity of each of their lives and how clearly messed up everyone was. The first to join in the merriment was Demo, followed by Sniper, then Soldier, Pyro, Engineer, Medic, Heavy, and finally Spy. 


The Mercs laughter culminated in them getting three crates of wine, and two boxes of cigars. They drunk and smoked together as they listened to Tom Jones on loop. They cracked jokes about themselves and at one another.

Engineer and Heavy were having an arm wrestling contest while Soldier told stories that would usually force one of the two to lose their concentration and lose the contest from laughter. Pyro and Scout were sitting together when Scout mentioned executing a man with his baseball bat, which caused Pyro to laugh uncontrollably. 

On the other-side of the room Demo and Medic were having a wild discussion about Medic’s exploits. “Ya bloody German castrator! Good on ya for helpin me Dad get outta there!” Tavish shouted as he gave Dr. Ludwig a quick hug. The two downed each other’s wine and broke the glass over each other’s heads.

“So you killed your wife?” Spy spoke to Sniper as he took a drag from his cigar.

“Aye, but I don’t regret it, the woman tried shanking me with a bloody sharpened stick!” The two burst into laughter with Spy coughing up smoke, which incited more laughter.

After Scout finally left Pyro for a second to grab a quick drink he heard “Delilah” come on. He quickly grabbed everyone and they began singing together for the first time.


Ending: 

So if you’re wondering how it ended after that, the Mercs literally fell asleep drinking and smoking and the next morning had a horrendous hangover.

This scene was inspired by that scene in the movie “American Hustle” when during a party two of the main characters are singing “Delilah” really happily, a little drunk. In the context I was thinking of, picture the Mercs just drinking and laughing at/to their horrible previous lives and just shirking it off for being badass mercs who get paid millions, like laughing about almost being killed by their spouses, being killers, war criminals, just all around bastards. Basically, saying “Fuck it we’re fucking awesome now” and singing to this song:

Cause honestly, just like, at that point they were at “Fuck it we were horrible then but we’re better now. Let’s drink and smoke and enjoy good company”

Allegorically, the song itself is about a man killing a woman, who he loved to some degree or another, and reminiscing about it and wanting forgiveness for what he had done. To the man, it was an act of passion since he had caught his wife cheating on him. So now, instead of Tom Jones (The Scout’s favorite singer, and a still quite famous celebrity) narrator killing his lover, it’s the nine mercenaries singing about their “lover” (Their past), how they killed her, and how they want to be somewhat forgiven for it. However, the “I don’t care” attitude takes away from the actual meaning and sincerity and they actually take pride in it, and don’t actually want forgiveness.

(What I figured the Scout and Sniper to look like as they sung [Christian Bale as Lawrence Mundy and Jeremy Renner as Jeremy Deluca] ^^^)

Here’s the full song, if you like it, and the Lyrics if you want to drink some wine, smoke a cigar, and SING WITH THE MERCS:

Lyrics:

I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window
I saw the flickering shadows of love on her blind
She was my woman
As she deceived me I watched and went out of my mind
My, my, my, Delilah
Why, why, why, Delilah
I could see that girl was no good for me
But I was lost like a slave that no man could free
At break of day when that man drove away, I was waiting
I cross the street to her house and she opened the door
She stood there laughing
I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more
My, my, my Delilah
Why, why, why Delilah
So before they come to break down the door
Forgive me Delilah I just couldn’t take any more

[insert trumpet solo here]

She stood there laughing
I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more
My, my, my, Delilah
Why, why, why, Delilah
So before they come to break down the door
Forgive me Delilah I just couldn’t take any more
Forgive me Delilah I just couldn’t take any 

(Lyrics from AZlyrics.com)

Steven “Trevor” Ogg | GTATurk Exclusive Interview

Rockstar’s billion dollar project Grand Theft Auto V definitely has one of the most interesting characters in the video game history, Trevor Philips. The Canadian television and stage actor Steven Ogg did not just do voicing, but also spent almost 3 years in a motion capture studio to perform and give life to the character of Trevor. Despite his character in the game being a totally crazy and violent guy, we’d say Ogg is surprisingly such a kind and nice guy. Big thanks to him for taking the time out of his very busy schedule to do this GTATurk.com exclusive interview!

Steven: Hi Ipek and GTATURK.COM!

İpek: Grand Theft Auto is the biggest video game franchise in the industry. With Grand Theft Auto V, you’ve made a big progress in your career. Trevor Philips, the psycho meth dealer of Blaine County, is the most ruthless, crazy and funny protagonist we’ve ever seen in GTA history and he’s become the favoured character of GTAV for everyone so easily – us too! But under this crazy and notorious personality, Trevor is very loyal to his friends and he’s a really good guy in some ways. Do you think there are some similarities between you and Trevor?

S: I’d say we share passion – great passion. We are both committed and give 150% – balls deep in everything we do. The sense of humor – all be it a little dark at times. The love of life. As for the violence? Nope. We are also both VERY loyal – you get back exactly what you give in.


İ: You not only did the voice but also played Trevor in motion capture sessions. Was all we have seen for Trevor in GTAV your own work?

S: It was a full motion capture performance. Take any performance by an actor in film or television and animate it – that’s exactly what Trevor was. There was never any sitting around just throwing a “voice” on a character -everything seen in Trevor was performed in a motion capture studio and then the amazing animators and crew turned it into a fully realized animated character- the face, the body it was all captured during the performance of that character.


İ: What was the most interesting/exciting/memorable part?

S: The best part is the people I met and worked with. Obviously the brotherhood formed with Solo and Ned in addition to the entire family at Rockstar. It’s rarely the roles an actor remembers, but rather the relationships formed on set. Shooting for over 3 years it definitely became a family. There are some funny moments on set – usually the “blooper” type situations when you find yourself laughing uncontrollably or just giggling like a little girl at something ridiculous. Always felt good to laugh and we certainly had plenty on the set. A very fun, encouraging and free atmosphere that created the safety to perform at your best and always want to give your best every day.


İ: What do you think about fans’ reaction so far?

S: The fans are incredible. It has been amazing to see the global impact and to receive such lovely words of encouragement, support, and love from so many people from all across the world. It certainly surprised me to see the variety of people – certainly not your stereotypical gamers. It means the world to me to have people recognize me as Steven Ogg and comment how the performance of Trevor really touched them. It’s very wonderful and I really thank everyone for begin so generous with their kindness, loyalty and support – it really touches me and I hope to continue to have an impact on people and do my fans proud through my work.



İ: Most of the game dialogue really sounds natural, like it wasn’t scripted. Was there any point where you just improvised an unscripted thing in a scene?

S: There were always little moments when something might be added – I believed I did some “dry humping” of people in scenes that was not always in the script, but certainly felt very Trevor-like and appropriate at the time. Much of Trevor’s imitations of peoples’ accents and gestures – those were generally ad-libbed and then kept in. Behavior that was then repeated and became part of Trevor’s character.


İ: We’ve learned your son’s name is Bodhi. It’s so amazing that the truck that Trevor drives in the game is named after him!

S: It was a wonderful surprise for my son. He certainly deserves a planet named after him for being such a wonderful, beautiful son – I’m so lucky to be his father and it is a lovely gift.


İ: You also played the main character “Jake Conway” in the videogame “Ride to Hell: Retribution”. What was that experience like?

S: I thought – I’d kill the crazy bastard too!! ha ha. He is an interesting, dynamic and crazy character so everyone is fair game. It’s kind of fun when you lose a character that you really don’t want to see die just because he is such a gong show!


İ: Can you tell us about your current and upcoming projects? What’s next for Steven Ogg?

S: I love the opportunity to explore all the facets of humanity – the foibles, the dark side, the light side, and definitely all that grey in the middle is what appeals to me. Every character is an opportunity to explore and find the unexpected in the expected – that is exciting.

Thanks so much for your patience and support. It really means the world to me and I apologize for taking so damn long to respond. Life is a beautiful thing and gets rather hectic sometimes. There should be lots more projects upcoming for fans to check out and I hope to continue to grow, to challenge, and to give back as much as I have been blessed to be given. Into the fire baby! Into the fire!!!


07.08.2014

2

im so confused because ive seen like 4 blogs with ‘zoophobia’ in their urls and none of them told me what zoophobia is

ps: im not a crazy bastard, they follow me and then i ask

“Say ‘Thank you’. This is a privilege after all~”

Sooo I got an idea that SnakeDemon!Yao has two types of venom: one that he spits and one that he injects through biting. The venom he spits is damaging and the venom from his bite is like some kind of crazy intense aphrodisiac. And sometimes, just for the fun of it, he’d bound Ivan and bite him and watch him writhe around going crazy from it, begging for relief. What a sadistic bastard. uwu

See, I wasn't going to do this.

Why? Because there’s such a risk of it being misinterpreted. Of people thinking that by writing this, I am endorsing doing things half-arsed, opr not bothering with discernment

But the more I thought about it, the more I realised I should say something; that people have been conditioned by the divisive Spirit of the age to pigeonhole such things. I admit, the original realisation has taken years to integrate, so I’m not going to be surprised if people do misinterpret what I’m about to say. But honestly, this isn’t for them. It’s for you, the folks on Tumblr who are serious about what you do, but end up tying yourself in mental knots with what-if’s and maybes.

So, here it is:

There is literally, at the most fundamental level, no conflict between the ‘astral’, the 'real’ and the 'Imaginary.’ Each of those words, and the places and states of experience they describe, are merely conditionalised frameworks.

Without getting to hideously complex arguments over whether say, pop culture deities are as real as those honoured by other religions or recosntructions thereof, I want to explain something to you now:

You are Dreaming. Right now. Your mind is processing input and generating a world for you to inhabit. There is no 'real’. There is only You. And You are Not what You think You Are.

I’m a crazy bastard. I’ve spent too long in places full of spirits, sitting in a wheelchair  while my associates have left me alone, as I requested. Unable to move. Unable to escape.

I’ve been blindfolded in graveyards in the middle of the night while sitting on graves as things hoot and howl around me. I’ve lain paralysed in bed, unable to move because my muscles just decided they weren’t going to answer me. I’ve been beaten, set on fire, had stones thrown at me by innocent children.

And when all that happens, there’s nothing you can do except be. Anger means nothing when you can’t move. A hundred thoughts of revenge will never provide sustenance if there is no way out. When your nerves flare into agony and the painkillers do nothing, all you can do is be. All you can do is allow yourself to exist, to your fullest, in the face of that.

So, understand friends - the world you live in comes from Within. When you’re meditating and those thoughts intrude and distract you, don’t fight. They themselves are agents of your primordial nature, conditioned and bent out of shape by society. Pay them homage as long lost divinities, as chained angels, daimonic creatures in need of aid. They are fellow-travellers driven by a need they do not understand, desiring as you do, to return Home to the Primordial.

Because the Primordial is that which is Beyond Good or Evil, it is feral and joyous, glorious and terrifying. And it exists in all things. This is why friends, the work entails Love.

Because Love is the recognition of the Primordial. Of that which gives rise to You, and all other things. Klages would call it the Cosmogonic Eros, the vitalistic principle which animates all things. But it’s a mistake, friends, to see this like a battery which powers a clockwork universe. The clockwork was originaly built as a demonstration a method of perceiving that same vitalistic principle.  The Kosmos is a manifestation of that Principle - a glorious Multiversal Worlds’ Fair.

So those ordinary mundane distracting thoughts you may have, or those imaginary conversations or whatever - they are also doors, portals to recall what you are. Even the basest, crudest form of matter contains, with the proper application of awareness, a seed of the Primordial.

The Work is training yourself to recognise and reveal the manifest forms of the Primordial in such a way as to slip the conditioning which has been applied to you. Understand that, whatever occurs, some portion of the Primordial remains, it is there for you to recognise.

By traning your heart and mind and body, even for a moment to call out to the Primordial in a given situation, you will make a connexion, you will rediscover roots which will benefit you and others around you.

Now, of course,some phenomena may be more easily perceived as portals to the Primordial. We might call them sacred objects, rites, or beings. We might find ourselves transported to the Venusberg by a play or a piece of music. We could be influenced from childhood by a book, a fim, a tale told at bedtime. It doesn’t matter.

You are already a Realised Being -already an Immortal, already a Buddha. You just don’t remember it, and even if you do, the work is in remembering this fact in spite of the thrills and spills of the Fair I mentioned.

You’re going to fail though, going to slip back into conditioned responses  - everyone does. But the importan. thing is that you realise that the fall is also quite capable of revealing the Primordial too, just as the corpse provides us with a pre-eminent method realising what we are.

The Gold and the Shit are the same thing, which is Neither of them.

Hellsing Ultimate Abridged Starter Sentences (ep.1)

Some NSFW content

☩ ❝ Hey, _____, do you have the target? ❞

☩   ❝ Well, better take the shot, you’re letting _____ get away. ❞

☩   ❝ Going to miss it! Going to miss it! ❞

☩ ❝  Hey, _____! Hey! Hey, _____! ❞

☩   ❝ There! I took the fucking shot! She/he’s dead, there’s blood everywhere! ❞

☩   ❝ …Oh, you are just a treat. ❞

☩   ❝ Now, I know what you’re thinking: “How did all this come about?” Well, it all started on a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear, the moon was full. I was dying to sink my teeth into something. Get it? Because I’m a vampire. Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… It’s funny. ❞

☩  ❝ Everyone else is already dead. Except this little tart. But trust me, I still plan to kill her. ❞

☩   ❝ But before I can do any of that… I’m going to kill you!

☩   ❝ Oh? See, that would be intimidating, if you were… well, intimidating. ❞

☩   ❝ Gr-r-r, are you mocking me?! ❞

☩   ❝ Oh, no, no, no, no, no… Pfft, yeah! ❞

☩ ❝ Well, that should about wrap things up here. ❞

☩   ❝ Oh, yeah. Forgot about you. Sorry about that whole “shooting you” thing, but I know if you look deep into your heart, which is currently all over that tree, you’ll find a way to forgive me. ❞

☩   ❝ Awww, geez, you look like a puppy. A blonde, eviscerated puppy. ❞

☩  ❝ Christ! Fine! I’ll help you! But only because you got nice tits. ❞

☩   ❝ So, that’s your field report? You went on a walk through the forest at midnight. You killed a homicidal vampire priest. And then you turned someone into a vampire, who happened to be a big tittied– ❞

☩ ❝ Yes! It’s like I didn’t just get through explaining this. Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got things to do. ❞

☩   ❝ What “things”? You don’t do “things”. ❞

☩   ❝ Yes, I do. I take enthusiastic walks through the woods. Very enthusiastic walks. ❞

☩   ❝ And kill homicidal vampire priests? ❞

☩  ❝ So you broke into the house…and you shot him thirty-six times? …You need to stop going on walks. ❞

☩   ❝ And you need to hurry up and hook up some god-damned DSL in here! ❞

☩   ❝ Ooooh… I’ve never hunted down a leprechaun before. Do you think if I shoot them with my gun Lucky Charms will explode everywhere?!  ❞

☩   ❝ Awww, come on! I have to bring _____ everywhere!

☩   ❝ Ah-ah-ah! None of the sass! ❞

☩  ❝ Yes, MOM. ❞

☩  ❝ Oh, just try to fucking stop me! ❞

☩   ❝ Second verse, same as the first. Now put me on a plane, so I can put'em in a hearse! ❞

☩   ❝ Hey, _____! _____! This is awesome! You should totally join in! Seriously, there’s like… forty zombies in here! Just one shot to the head and they explode! [gunshot] It’s just like House of the Dead, only like… a hundred times more awesome! ❞

☩   ❝ Fine! I’ll shoot some of the rotten bastards! Can’t be that much fun……Oh, fuck the hell, yes!

☩   ❝ Sweet Black fucking Sabbath! If I wasn’t holding out for that beast of _____, I’d fuck the red right out of those eyes.

☩   ❝ Well… kinda like that, only with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina. ❞

☩   ❝ Huh?! Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here.  ❞

☩   ❝ Ah, and look at what we have here? A bloody heathen!

☩ ❝ Excuse me, but I’m a fuck-mothering vampire! I’ve killed a lot of people to get this title. I deserve to be called such! ❞ 

☩   ❝ Oh, fuck all kinds of duck! ❞

☩   ❝ You have been chosen to reveal my existence to the world. You will witness what happens here today, and you will tell of it later… except you won’t… ‘cause I’ll kills ‘ya! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! ❞

☩   ❝ Oh, my, brilliant speech… and unoriginal. That’s totally from Boondock Saints. ❞

☩   ❝ What?! No, it isn’t! I came up with it a week ago. ❞

☩   ❝ The only one left here is your sorry pale ass. ❞

☩   ❝ It is your corrupt I claim. It is your evil that will be sought by me with every breath… ❞

☩   ❝ Boondock… Saints. Seriously, you must watch that movie religiously. Huh-huh… get it? ❞

☩   ❝ OK, you know what? Fuck it. Knife. ❞

☩ ❝  Headshot. Well, now that that’s over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, Count Cho- ❞

☩   ❝ Well, now that that’s over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal Frankenbe… ❞

☩   ❝ Son of a protestant whore! Well, you know what time it is! ❞

☩ ❝  See… this kind of shit is why I stopped going to church. ❞

☩ ❝  _____…______, you are reading your master’s mind. Put my head between your boobs! ❞

☩   ❝ Now I’m all alone… The only one I had left was you. ❞

☩   ❝ Very good! Now the next thing I want you to do is… put me between your legs! —– God damn it! ❞

☩   ❝ It’s a shame for you lost your head. A careless vampire, who wound up dead. You wore your sin like it was some kind of prize. Too many lies… too many lies. ❞

☩   ❝ What do I do? What do I do?! I… I could try seducing him… wait, no! I’m not an eight-year old boy! SHIT! ❞

☩   ❝ Say your prayers, wee lass! ❞

☩ ❝  That girl belongs to me! ❞

☩   ❝ Well, aren’t you the naughty one? ❞

☩   ❝ Don’t make me shoot you in the fucking head! ❞

☩   ❝ What the hell do you want, you crazy protestant bastard? ❞

☩  ❝ Call yourself whatever you want, you crazy protestant bastard. ❞

☩   ❝ You do know this is a grave violation of our agreement. ❞

☩  ❝ I have no idea what chou’re on about. I’m just here doin’ my job! Killin’ vampires ‘n’ werewolves an’ leprechauns. I never actually found one but do you think if I cut one open with my knife, it would spill out Lucky Charms? ❞

☩   ❝ You done goofed. ❞

☩   ❝ How the blood-soaked protestant hell did you do that?! ❞

☩   ❝ Fuck you, that’s how. ❞

☩   ❝ You know what? I’ve had enough of this. To hell with all you dirty heathens! ❞

☩   ❝ Eat me! Don’t forget to write! ❞

☩ ❝  No, and that’s final! We’ve got bigger things to worry about. Whoever’s behind these vampire attacks… it has to be some kind of large organized group. ❞

☩ ❝  Like the Nazis? ❞

☩   ❝ That would be retarded. ❞

☩   ❝ Gentlemen… ve… are Nazis! Und ve… vill have var! Und ve… und ve… *sneeze*  ❞

Catechism

They share a tent, like all the Commandos do, to keep their encampment small and their bodies warm. It provides a camaraderie and closeness that Bucky hates to admit he needs. He needs Steve, needs to be reminded that there is some good in this world, even if that too has been tainted by the stain of war. It comforts him to have Steve nearby, and it helps that Steve runs hot, because now Bucky’s always cold. Always shivering. He can never seem to stop, no matter how many layers and blankets he piles on. It’s like the damp chill in that Hydra base has sunken into his bones, and nothing will warm it.

The closest he comes is when Steve moves in the night and rolls up against him, almost on top of him, and he doesn’t mind the weight because at least then he’s not so cold. It’s the only time he sleeps, when Steve is close to him. He tries not to think about how it used to be the other way around. It’s better for Steve this way, not just because the crazy bastard got what he wanted, but because Bucky remembers all those long, watchful nights at Steve’s bedside, terrified that he might just slip away like a sigh. So many times his breathing became so shallow that Bucky had to place his hand on Steve’s chest to make sure his heart still beat.

His pulse is different now. Slower, steadier, less like the fluttering heartbeat of a tiny animal. It’s louder. Bucky listens to it at night as he falls asleep. He thinks about how much less pain Steve must feel now, the energy he must have, the strength. He thinks about all those things Steve probably doesn’t miss at all, because it’s far better to think about Steve’s enhanced physical form than to think about his own broken body.

He has nightmares. That’s no surprise. Going to war would be enough, but after what Zola did to him, he wakes up muttering his name, rank, and serial number like a catechism. Often, Steve wakes and hugs him. He murmurs that it’s okay now, he’s safe, and Bucky doesn’t speak the truth that Steve can never admit: he will never be safe again. He doesn’t know how to tell Steve that he can still feel the needles that injected him with god knows what. He can still hear the screams. It’s just as well. Talking about it would acknowledge that it was something that happened to him. He’s still hoping that if he leaves it there in the basement of his brain, he can tell himself it was all a bad dream.

He told them nothing. He held on, he remained strong, through pneumonia and medical procedures that made him faint from horror. His catechism didn’t protect him from the pain, and it didn’t bring divine intervention, unless it was a pagan god, Apollo or Adonis, a shining golden idol, carrying him out of the darkness and terrors and then leading him into new ones.

He’s been through the nine circles of hell: the gut-churning anticipation of war, the aching loneliness, the constant pang of hunger, the chilling satisfaction of eliminating the enemy, nights full of bitterness and yearning for death, torture and experiments that have done something awful and irrevocable to his body and mind, delirium because that can’t really be Steve– not here and not now– it’s impossible, and then there’s the smile he has to paste on so that Steve doesn’t worry about him. And finally, the ninth, the coldest circle of hell, which is the one reserved for betrayers. Judas and Brutus and Bucky Barnes, who tries so hard not to wish that Steve hadn’t done this, hadn’t changed, and fails every time.

SEALS ARE SLIPPERY LITTLE SHITS

FREYA HAS A MAGIC NECKLACE. IT’S CALLED BRISINGAMEN AND IT’S FUCKING USELESS. ONE DAY, SHE GOES TO SLEEP, AND WHEN SHE WAKES UP IT’S GONE. WHO COULD POSSIBLY HAVE TAKEN IT? COULD IT POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN LOKI?

NO. IT WAS A MOTHERFUCKING SEAL.

ACTUALLY IT WAS LOKI IN THE FORM OF A SEAL, BUT STILL. FREYA’S NECKLACE GOT STOLEN BY A SEAL AND SHE DIDN’T FUCKING NOTICE. HOW STUPID CAN YOU GET?

FREYA GOES TO ASK HEIMDALL FOR HELP, BECAUSE HEIMDALL IS THE CLOSEST THING TO A POLICEMAN THAT THE AESIR HAVE. HEIMDALL IS REALLY CLOSER TO SOME SORT OF FUCKED UP BOND VILLAIN THOUGH; HE CAN HEAR THE GRASS GROW, HE HAS NINE MOTHERS, GOLDEN TEETH, AND A FUCKING MASSIVE TRUMPET. HEIMDALL AND FREYA GO ON AN ADVENTURE TO FIND LOKI THE SEAL AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.

WHEN THEY EVENTUALLY FIND THE THIEF, HEIMDALL GETS READY TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. HE COULD JUST STAB HIM; SEALS AREN’T KNOWN FOR THEIR MARTIAL PROWESS. THAT WOULD BE TOO EASY THOUGH, AND HEIMDALL IS FUCKING INSANE. INSTEAD, HE TURNS INTO A SEAL TOO AND THEY HAVE A FIGHT. A FUCKING SEAL FIGHT. THEY JUST SIT THERE IN THE WATER SLAPPING EACH OTHER AND GOING “ARF ARF” ANGRILY. FREYA BEGINS TO WONDER WHAT THE FUCK SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS DOING BRINGING A CRAZY BASTARD LIKE HEIMDALL ALONG, BUT IN THE END HE WINS BY SEAL-SLAPPING LOKI INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS AND GETS FREYA BACK HER NECKLACE.

NEVER TRUST A SEAL.