wesley family convos

Fun family story time: my little brother is nonverbal autistic and he has like no concept of time and he has trouble sleeping sometimes so when I was having a rough week and bug wasn’t sleeping well my parents would invoke the “Midnight Spaghetti Breakfast” tradition. So basically and if my parents decided I was too stressed they would keep me home from school and they would wake me up at midnight and my little brother would already be up and we would literally make a full spaghetti dinner and eat it and then all get in my parents bed and the spaghetti would knock my little brother out and idk I really think it helped my mental health and kept me well adjusted

my mom talks in her sleep a lot and my dad was telling me that the other night she rolled over and in a perfect British accent asked my dad for “a cuppa with 2 sugars, no milk and a biscuit.” My mother has never drank tea in her life, we are American, and long story short mom’s not allowed to watch Downton Abbey anymore

  • Dad: no those are good they help people when they need it and they give people strength when they're down
  • Me: dad how can you say that they're horrific and wrong!
  • Dad: I didn't think you could be so judgmental over food!
  • Me: ... What are you talking about?!
  • Dad: MREs! Meals Ready to Eat! I heard you says MREs are evil!
  • Me: OMG dad no I said MRAs, men's rights activists
  • Dad: ...
  • Dad: wait why do men need rights we have all the rights were the ones taking away the rights of others that's the stupidest thing ever!
  • Me: exactly!
  • Dad: I FUCKED UP I DONE FUCKED UP
How everyone should deal with sexual orientation a lesson by papa wes
  • Dads friend: I'm gay
  • Dad: neat! want some candy?
  • Dads friend: I'm bisexual
  • Dad: neat! want some candy?
  • Dads friend: I'm straight
  • Dad: neat! want some candy?
  • Dads friend: I'm asexual
  • Dad: wait what does that mean
  • Dads friend: I don't want to have the sex
  • Dad: neat! want some candy? It's better than sex anyways. Less eye contact and everything
  • Me: I'm demisexual
  • Dad: wait what does that mean? do you only like demigods?
  • Me: -explains what that is-
  • Dad: neat! want some candy?
  • Grandma: I'm diabetic
  • Dad: ..... uhm
  • Dad: I - uhm
  • Dad: NEAT WANT SOME SUGAR FREE CANDY?!?
Quotes from the Dad, the Trooper
  • Dad: fuck the police
  • Dad: wait
  • Dad: wait don't fuck the police
  • Dad: take the police out to a nice dinner and get to know the police.
  • Dad: you can't really fix stupid but you sure can arrest it
  • Dad: they think I'm gonna arrest them for smoking pot how cute
  • Dad: I'm just gonna take their tasty cakes cause well tasty cakes
  • Dad: can you fucking not
  • Dad: cops drink coffee cause it's dark and bitter like our souls
  • Dad: I don't understand the doughnut stereotype
  • Dad: of course I like doughnuts
  • Dad: everyone likes doughnuts
  • Dad: if you don't like doughnuts in going to arrest you for being dumb
  • Dad: that's the dumbest law I've ever heard
  • Dad: ba da da da da you're an idiot
  • Dad: you have the right to remain silent and I have the right to think you're an idiot
  • Dad: I hate people
  • Dad: if your BAC is higher than your IQ I'm arresting you
  • Dad: see it's funny cause your IQ is 0
  • Dad: put him in da river
  • Dad: wait no we don't have a river
  • Dad: uhm
  • Dad: stick him in the fridge until further notice
  • Dad: you can bitch all you want I have the gun
  • Dad: you have the right to go fuck yourself
  • Dad: that's it I retire
  • Dad: I've arrested this guy 4 times
  • Dad: for public nudity
  • Dad: how does he keep getting out?!
  • Dad: and why can't he find his pants
  • Dad: if she hadn't married me your mother would be a famous criminal master mind
  • Dad: she's a criminal master mind now
  • Dad: she's just not famous
  • Dad: cause I keep covering up her tracks
  • Dad: is this evidence I don't even know
  • Dad: that's it everyone's going to prison everyone

Y'all think it’s funny but my dad has a serious candy bar problem. They sell them for a dollar outside the church in my home town. Every morning he goes and buys 5 and brings them to my mom so her day can “be as sweet as she is” and my mom is always like “it’s really cute but I can not physically consume that much chocolate a day I will actually die”