were you tryin to kill us


this took me like three days to type out and it takes up like 5 pages on google docs buT HERE YOU ARE BUDDY


4 - Driving headcanon

When Tate was young, he was apart of a little league team, and it was always Fiddleford who was called upon to drive the team around. He owned a large minivan, which was covered in dents from angry child fists and stray baseballs. Just imagine your typical soccer mom driving, and that’s exactly my headcanon for Fiddleford’s type of driving (including him using fake swear words when he gets road rage; “Use your turn signal, you bumbling Betsy!” “The light’s GREEN, goose face!” “Cut me off again and I’ll toss your salad, you son of a stinger!”)

Of course, in his older age, Fiddleford isn’t allowed to drive anymore. But if he’s ever in a car with someone, he’s got the strongest case of second-hand driving imaginable. Do not drive with him unless you want tips on your driving technique. He’s been driving around preteens for years, he knows what he’s talking about.

6 - Hugging headcanon

It’s not uncommon for Fiddleford to casually sling his arm around anyone he considers not-an-enemy. Anyone who is Fiddleford’s friend has faced many of his hugs before; they’re short and sweet and casual. He’s hugged all of his friends, most of his professors, and a few strangers (though mostly on accident).

When he needs a hug, though, it’s a lot different. His arms may seem tiny and scrawny but he can hold an iron grip when need be. He’ll hide his face in your neck and whine softly and never want to be let go of. Few people have been hugged by him in such a way.

When he’s older, he’s a lot more hesitant to hug. However, when he does hug someone, he wraps his arms and legs around them. He’s probably gonna hang off them for awhile. Do not let him fall.

7 - Kissing headcanon

Fiddleford would kiss every inch of someone’s face, because he wants them to know that every inch of them is loved. When it comes to more intimate, elongated kisses, whenever he pulls away he mutters a quiet “Golly” or something along those lines. He will never, ever kiss without asking first, even if he knows the answer is yes (in a fiddauthor context; he also totally has a tendency to kiss each of Ford’s fingers, especially when Ford expresses his dislike for them).

9 - General physical contact headcanon

Younger Fiddleford is a pretty touchy feely person. Like I said before, he’s a pretty huggy person to anyone he considers a friend. When he’s older, though, he’s a lot more hesitant to touch anyone, thinking no one would want to touch him. However, he tends to hang off of people that he’s most comfortable with, such as hanging off their arm or riding on their back.

11- Wardrobe headcanon

TACKY!!! FLORAL!!! SHIRTS!!!! He’s got a tacky floral shirt for every occasion. He’s always wearing one under his labcoat. When he is older and it’s post-Weirdmageddon, he gets back into the habit of wearing his ridiculous floral shirts (Tate never got rid of any of them) and it becomes a rarity to see him without them on.

14 - Dancing headcanon

Who cares who’s watching? Fiddleford’s having FUN! When his jams start playing, there is no stopping the whirlwind of movement that is Fiddleford Hadron McGucket stepping around and flailing his arms in his attempt of a dance.

There is no rhyme nor reason to his dancing, but there’s passion behind it and he’s having SO much fun, so no one has the heart to stop him. Just stay far away, in case he accidentally smacks you in the face.

Quite honestly all I’ve been imagining while writing this is this video

15 - Singing headcanon


Okay, sure, Fiddleford has a horrible singing voice, but when he sings, he’s having so much fun and you can’t help but sing along.

16 - Anger headcanon

Fiddleford is very tough to get angry. When the seeds of anger are first planted, he tends to repress it, thinking that the source of his anger will come to their senses before Fiddleford has to get too angry. When his anger swells, though, he goes ballistic. He might say things that he doesn’t quite mean, and will storm off to fume on his own. It’s best not to let him be angry alone for too long, or else he may impulsively do something he’d regret (from deleting a phone number from his phone to starting a cult).


3 - Sleeping headcanon

Ford Pines having a night’s sleep is a blessing. Ford Pines having a GOOD night’s sleep is a flat-out miracle. When he’s not having nightmares, Ford curls up and is knocked out completely, and can be found sleeping in the strangest places (the roof, the dining room table, overtop one of the gift shop attractions etc etc). Despite his seemingly deep sleep, Ford’s actually a very light sleeper. If he hears something off, or so much as feels uneasy, he will wake up and jump into action at once.

Stan is considering soundproofing Ford’s bedroom just so that the guy can have a nice long sleep. Ford would never approve, though; he likes to hear every sound in the Shack to keep an ear out for anything out of place, such as a potential threat.

(He will never tell anyone this, but he sleeps a LOT easier when someone else is in the same room as him.)

5 - Bathing/showering headcanon

Before the portal, Ford’s bathing practices were similar to Dipper’s; he’d constantly forget to bathe, finding it to be a waste of time that he could be using to hunt monsters or work on his research. Sure, he’d remember to take a brisk shower before leaving the Shack, but the problem with that is that he left the Shack very sparingly. After he found out about Bill’s deceit, he didn’t bathe at all, terrified that the moment he let his guard down, Bill would come in for the kill.

After the portal, though, it’s a much different story. He’s got a lot of wounds and scars to clean out, and the dimensions he was stuck in didn’t have the luxuries of showers or bathes. He’ll spend hours at a time taking long, warm showers, if just to listen to the running water and have some peace, and warm bathes are just as soothing for him. It takes a long time until he’s able to stop wearing clothes into the shower or bathe.

6 - Hugging headcanon

Ford has never really been one to hug. When he does, though, boy howdy is it a hug. When his defences are low and he trusts himself enough, he will wrap his arms around someone and probably won’t be letting go for a long time. He wants to protect whoever he hugs, and throws his entire body over the recipient of the hug as if he’s acting as a human shield to a danger that’s not coming. He may start crying during the hug, but he’d never let anyone know. Trust me, he needs this hug more than you know, just let him hug you.

9 - General physical contact headcanon

Ford’s been though a lot, and it doesn’t take the family long to learn NOT to startle him (Soos once tried to get his attention by poking his shoulder, and Ford near shot his arm off) (don’t worry, Soos wasn’t harmed nor too offended over it). Do not touch him without verbal warning, or else he’ll either jump 5 feet in the air in surprise and shriek, or pull a weapon you (usually both).

Even still, Ford’s a surprisingly physical person, albeit in small ways. When Mabel takes him out to the market to shop, he lets her ride on his shoulders. When he and Dipper go into the forest together, he keeps his hand over Dipper’s shoulder. Little physical interactions like this put him at ease; he likes to know that the people he cares about are safe, and can get antsy if he doesn’t have his hand on a loved one for awhile, and he can start to think the worst. It takes Stan while to understand why sometimes Ford will just grab the cuff of his sleeve, or mandatorily check to make sure the family is breathing while they’re asleep, but he’s learned to stop complaining about it.

13 - Nickname headcanon

Oh jeeze.

Y’all know as well as anyone how Ford was commonly called Sixer, a nickname that he embraced. However, like many other things, Bill Cipher ruined that name for him. Ford can NOT stand being called Sixer, IQ, Fordie, or any of those names that Bill used on him, and being called these names can either make him mildly annoyed or send him into a full panic attack.

Most people know to just call him Ford, a nickname that gives him his own identity but is still his own. He doesn’t mind being called Poindexter by Stan, though. Wendy and Soos also have a habit of calling him ‘the Author’, and Ford’s the first to admit that it gives him a bit of an ego boost.

(also whenever fiddleford calls him ‘Doctor’ ford literally melts he loves it so much but he’ll never admit this)

14 - Dancing headcanon

He can not.

I don’t know what else to say here. The guy’s got two left feet. He does not dance.

17 - Soft spot headcanon

I think Ford would be a huge HUGE fan of being pampered. Like, he doesn’t take care of himself much, but he loves loves LOVES it when someone else cuts his hair or does his nails or something along those lines. Sometimes it’s nice to just sit back and let someone else take care of you for you. There are VERY few people that Ford trusts enough to care for him while he just closes his eyes and relax.

Luckily, Mabel Pines is more than willing.

She’ll also paint his nails sparkly red and do his makeup and stuff along those lines, but Ford absolutely adores it.

he’s also got a soft spot for wacky hillbillies hyuk hyuk

18 - Favorite possession headcanon


19 - Favorite photograph headcanon

Before Mabel and Dipper leave for the summer, Mabel probably copies all of her favorite pictures from the summer and let’s Ford and Stan have them. No one thinks Ford the sentimental type, but if you go into the basement, you’ll see tons of these photographs pinned up everywhere. In most of these pictures, Ford has a surprised expression, given Mabel’s tendency for candid pictures. There are also a bunch of pictures of Ford napping, with a comment written in sharpie ‘HE SLEEPS!!!’ However, Ford’s favorite picture features all four of the Pines family (plus Wendy and Soos and probably Fiddleford), and everyone’s laughing, especially Ford. He can’t explain why, but that picture in particular makes him feel really good.