What is insanity? but a mental disease. One in which you weren’t born with but created.
Everything was so desirable it seems, the world was beautiful. That’s when I woke up from reality’s consequences. A demeaning light had shed upon but a sad relationship I struggled to piece together with my mother.
I was also beginning to understand how disappointing everyone else was, how fake and immoral. There came moments I was drowning, I had to reach the surface if I should breathe. So how could I cut the thread and knot it within my gut to realeive this pain. The pain that had once harvested a synthetic disease in my brain, created by the same very silence that had once produced an ora of happiness.
Everything led to goodbyes stained on my lips and drugs in my body. It never did anything to help though. The sensation was a disguise as every other drug.
Temporary and never enough.
I’m drowning and I’m not reluctant to swim. If I don’t reach the surface I’ll surely drown. A precipitation of lies clouded what I found in my lifeless reflection. I was pushed away my whole life. I just wanted to understand, I just wanted to help but you wouldn’t let me. I’d let you borrow my eyes if I could borrow yours.
And then maybe I’ll understand, then maybe I’ll have a purpose to pursue. To be able to see what’s wrong with me. The bridge I was once crossing is now crumbling beneath my feet. My body had become a reflection of the mistakes I wanted to change. It’s imperfections haunted my mind.
Secluded from society I was a prisoner of my room. Purgatory. I didn’t want help, I just wanted to sleep. I went to bed one night believing I was dying, for 6 hours I laid there bathing in an unfamiliar pain. I don’t know why but I didn’t try to get any help. Maybe I thought I could handle it.
How do you save yourself from something that feels so good yet devours your life and decays away at your body. Everyone seemed so happy so why can’t I be happy? Time slowed just to wait for me showing me a scene I had never seen familiar. I cried, I wanted to give up. I didn’t think I was fine.
In the end still battling with these endless thoughts. These days I think it’s safe to say that, I take the backseat.