Speaking of my story- what would be a right way for Graves to ask Newt if Newt had been having sex recently- say, if they are talking and vampire!graves SMELLS that Newt is almost like a freaking virgin, so much bottled down UST and unsatisfaction, and he is a freakishly handsome man in his prime, so how the hell is he functioning?) so he politely inquires about it? (I went all the way from "when was the last time you had coital satisfaction" to "when did you last beat your meat"?!!)
Welllllll that entirely depends what Graves you have, but I think I can safely say that “when did you last beat your meat” is probably off the table. I mean. Don’t let me stop people asking that but on the other hand, maybe best not to ask it like that.
But if it was my Graves, then it would quite possibly go like this:
Refuse to ask. Get
drunk mildly sloshed. Can’t get question out of head. Frantically take another drink every time mouth opens just in case the question falls out. End up utterly gazeboed really quite tipsy. Have by this point asked everyone in the damn bar if they’re a virgin and have three black eyes to prove it. Hide under the table, not quite sure why anymore, nursing resentment about the black eyes. Eventually emerge, stagger over to Newt, and loudly blame him the black eyes because of his damned virgin status and declare that it’s only fair that Newt shags him to make up for the awful night.
Or alternatively concoct some elaborate plan that involves importing unicorns and setting up a situation that will bring Newt in contact with them to see how they react. The unicorns, of course, will not respond well to vampire!Graves which is fine, except it’s not fine because he can’t bring anyone else in to help him handle them on account of the creature ban so he just kinda suffers through these lovely gentle unicorns bullying the shit out of him. Eventually, Newt rescues him, but then the unicorns fall in love with him because of course they do and Graves puts up with them hovering protectively over Newt and trying to ward him off with the three foot sharp pointy weapons on their head for about a week before he’s had enough and decides to shag Newt to make the unicorns go away.
It doesn’t work. Apparently these particular unicorns don’t care about virgins, they just love Newt. And hate Graves. But at least Graves is getting sex now, so at least there’s that.