I never talk about personal stuff, but fuck it, I’m really bored. I go to vocationary college. I think that’s what it is called. Anyways, at least in Germany that means working 70% of the time. Fulltime. I get payed. Like 40% of what I would actually get, but hey, to me it’s a lot. Basically I’m learning to be a bussiness man. Even writing that seems weird. Well, translation is part of it as well, I love the English language. But it’s mostly office work. Don’t know what the fuck I’m doing there. The only job I’d ever truly like is directing film, and I’m in a fucking office. Hard to explain how I got there. Was really depressed, left Spain and was generally confused about a lot of things, and on top of that the Wii U was failing. Hard times. I guess I just wanted to do something considered correct, and something that didn’t take too much time, since I knew I wasn’t convinced at all. Anyways, I’d be lying if I said I haven’t learned a lot. Talking to people isn’t easier, but I’m pretty good at acting as if it is. I generally know better how to respond to certain situations. I’m in an almost all female class, and it’s become easier talking to girls. An irrational and completely stupid fear anyways. I have also met some wonderful people.
But most of the time it has been shitty. I have nobody to blame but me for not just pursuing what I like, and it’s probably me making everything worse than it is in my mind, but this last year and a half has fucked me up pretty bad. I have lost what little innocence I had left. I’m surrounded by people unhappy with their lifes, who try convincing themselves their job they don’t give a shit about is really important, and who think putting other people down will make them feel better. A whole bunch of nonsense which apparently like 80% of people follow, making everything more difficult than it could be. Don’t even get me started on the bureocratic shit I see every day.
Sometimes I was really motivated. This only happens when you really like the people you are working with/for though.
I guess, as cliched as that may sound, I feel really empty. I’m tired as shit in the evening, it’s a miracle when I get to play a game, or read, or watch a movie. I don’t have anybody to hang out with, far too much time to think about the past (which I really miss) and I sleep like shit.
And this is without counting all the other paranoia inducing bullshit, like stuff which has happened to/with my family, which I won’t get into.
Still, I’ll probably look back at this part of my life with nostalgia some day. Somehow there are beautiful aspects to some of the worst moments.
What I’m saying is if you wanna do something do it. There is no right or wrong option anyways. All part of the fiction which is our current society. Do what that Shia LaBeef guy said. Just dew it. Not like this dumbass right here.