The Night Before
Tomorrow I tuck in my legal daughter. Daughter. The one I’ve dreamed of my entire life. This journey to parenting and permanent motherhood is not at all what I dreamed of, but isn’t it beautiful? I am so happy. My Lou, my daughter.
I was supposed to fall in love in college and marry the summer afterwards, and start birthing the giant family I always wanted. We would foster and adopt as well.
That didn’t happen. But my 20s were fantastic and full of adventures, growth, and mothering other people’s children. I remember getting to know a single foster parents story when I was counseling one of her kids at my internship. Then I found this great blog… obviously our Rebecca. Hmmmm it could work…. graduation, a job change, some space for adjusting and BOOM time to get licensed.
I felt like a nanny for my first kiddos. I moved into mom, but believed I wasn’t their forever mom. It wasn’t my time yet, other parents were meant to parent them forever.
I had one magical week of dreaming that both Lou and the older girl I was parenting would be mine forever– and then no, knew that wouldn’t happen. So I thought I’ll transition Lou out well (I’m so good at it!) and travel then keep fostering and adopt teens in 10 years. But no, that’s not how it goes.
That Sunday night in June I was haunted with images of the two of us, with hopes and dreams of forever. No coparent with me, still a working mom reliant on others– but her mom. Good enough! Great enough. Ready for the joys, privileges, highs, lows, good times and bad times of parenting. I’ll never have all of my shit together- but I am enough. I’ll never stop loving her, believing her, and doing all I can to make this world a better place for her.