holy shit I tried so hard you guys why
summary - it’s hard to tell which one of us was being selfish. natsu/lucy, gray/juvia teeny bit of gray/lucy. but I never fully betray my ships.
italics are flashbacks - also the first flashback gets semi steamy. hehe
It was the rain’s fault.
So gloomy and dim – any other day, it would’ve been absolutely perfect.
But, since it was rainy and Gray, today would not be the day that Lucy Heartfilia got over Natsu Dragneel.
It wasn’t yesterday either, heavens no, she lost a volleyball game the night before, and no one could expect her to get over her ex-boyfriend with the weight of a loss on her shoulders.
It wasn’t the week before that. That was a tough week – the hockey team lost in the playoffs.
Or the week before that, just for the record. She was on her period that week – not her fault.
Tomorrow she would get over him. Tomorrow, she would forget him, and his smile, and his laugh, and everything about him that made her want to keep holding on.
Juvia turned around quickly – blush evident from getting caught.
“N-Natsu-san!” She remarked, embarrassed.
“Sorry for scaring you,” Natsu apologized with a good-natured smile. “What are you…” he trailed off, at the parallel sight of Gray speaking with Loke in front of his English class.
Juvia bit her lip a little, hiding behind the door of her locker with a guilty look. “J-Juvia wasn’t staring! She-“
“No, it’s ok.” Natsu covered, leaning against the locker next to hers. “I understand.”
Juvia sighed in relief. “J-Juvia doesn’t mean to be creepy. Gray-sama is just so…” she looked back at him longingly, before shaking her head. “Perfect…”
Natsu smiled sadly, Juvia had been in love with Gray for the past four years, and spent them pining in the shadows. Gray was perfectly aware of her crush of course, but he hadn’t acted on anything yet. It was a work in progress, he liked to think. Unfortunately, their time as seniors was drawing to a close.
“You should talk to him,” Natsu advised.
“J-Juvia’s too shy! Besides, she doesn’t deserve Gray-sama, he deserves someone beautiful, like Erza-san, or-“
He stopped her before she could say the next name, sure that the name would send a pang of guilt through him. “Juvia, you’re great. He’ll see that. The year is almost up; you might as well talk to him a little before you run out of time.”
Juvia blushed and looked towards Gray, unsure. “W-well…Juvia could…try…”
Natsu’s smile broadened. “That’s the spirit! Go get ‘im!”
Juvia smiled too, his being contagious enough. “Thank you, Natsu-san.”
“You’re welcome Juvia,” he said as he walked off towards Sociology.
It’s strange – ever since he broke up with Lucy, he’d had this urge to fix every problem in his life and everyone else’s around him. Closure. Final year, final chance to fix every problem before he was off to college.
But there were some things that just couldn’t be fixed.
“Natsu…” she groaned at the location of his hand, inching closer and closer to the hem of her tight little jean shorts.
“What?” He asked playfully, fiddling with the little zipper, teasing her like he usually did.
“This is not studying for my anatomy test,” she whispered, nearly breathless even though the only thing she was doing was lying on her bed.
“Sure it is,” he reasoned, popping the bronze button with ease.
“No,” she argued back as he kissed her neck, softly, and then with much more force. “It isn’t!”
He laughed against her throat, tickling her with his offbeat breath. “Come on Lucy; let me study your anatomy!”
She groaned in annoyance, his constant need to pepper her with puns and kisses grinding on her nerves. “Careful, one thing you learn in anatomy is exactly where to hit you if I want you paralyzed from the waist down.”
“Yeah?” he challenged, nipping at the skin of her collarbone. “I bet I can paralyze you first~”
She scoffed lightly. “Sure you can, go ahead and-“ she was cut off by her own moan when she realized exactly what he meant.
“We can study…after…” He said, slowly lowering his head, leaving a trail of kisses as he got lower and lower.
She laughed softly, pulling his body closer to hers. And she knew in the back of her mind that they weren’t going to get any studying done that night.
“J-Juvia was thinking about…talking to Gray-sama…” Juvia stuttered anxiously.
Lucy smiled, the first real smile she’d given since the day Natsu broke it off with her. “Really? Good for you, Juvia!”
“C-can Lucy-san help Juvia? She’s nervous…and Lucy-san is very good at talking to boys…” Juvia sputtered nervously.
Lucy laughed at the irony of the statement. “Of course I can! What do you want to talk with him about?”
“Eh…anything. Juvia just wants to hear his voice.” Juvia whispered with a pale rosy blush.
“Awe. Ok, well…do you have any classes with him?” Lucy asked.
“Yes. Juvia has Spanish and pre-calc with Gray-sama.” She informed eagerly.
“Just ask him for notes or something. Start it up naturally, there’s no need to be nervous! Gray won’t bite.” Lucy assured.
“Are you sure? Juvia is afraid that Gray-sama won’t like her…” Juvia said self-consciously.
Lucy nodded her head. “Of course I’m sure! Gray is my friend, there’s no way he won’t like you. You’re nice, funny, and sweet. He’ll love you.” She added with a wink. Juvia’s smile nearly blinded her.
“Thank you so much Lucy-san!” Juvia enveloped her friend with a tight hug and rushed off to her next class. Lucy’s smile lingered until she disappeared. She had always hoped that Juvia would string up enough courage to talk to Gray, but she was a little bit disappointed that it had taken this long.
She would talk to him. She’d speed up the process a bit.
Even if she wasn’t going to get her happiness, Juvia still deserved hers, right?
“Gray.” Lucy said, a sort of half greeting as Gray shut his locker and smiled, backpack slung over one shoulder memorably.
“Hey Lucy. What brings you here?” He asked, showing her bodily that he was going to walk her to her car.
“I have a request,” she said thinly, reminding herself to scan the hallways for Natsu. He and gray were best friends, it wouldn’t be uncommon for him to join them, and she really wasn’t into masochism.
“What can I do for you?” he asked without missing a beat.
“You know my friend, Juvia?” She started, playing with the straps of her flowery backpack leisurely.
“Uh…blue hair, right? She’s nice.” He said. “What about her?”
Lucy twisted her lips, trying to pick the perfect way to phrase it. “Would you…talk to her for me? You know, she-“
“Lucy.” He stopped in front of the crowd of people flooding out the school doors, eagerly awaiting their weekend.
“Huh?” She uttered, forgetting what she was saying due to the intense look on Gray’s face.
“I…think I know what you’re trying to ask me.” He said, a hint of disappointment in his voice. The tone worried Lucy, this wasn’t how she saw the conversation going at all.
“You…do? Are you sure? I don’t think-“
“You want me to date her. I’m not stupid Lucy – I know she likes me. I’ve always known.” He said, thick seriousness baked into his voice that sent nervous tingles down Lucy’s spine. Something in the back of her mind was telling her to leave, to walk away right now-
“That’s not entirely…” she trailed off as he placed a hand on the side of her neck, almost intimately. She gulped at the gesture, dreading what he was going to inevitably say next.
“I can’t do that Lucy. I can’t…because…”
Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no-
“-you.” Natsu gasped, hands tightly grasping her shoulders.
“W-what?” Lucy responded, shocked at his sudden confession.
‘I should’ve told you – I’m sorry, I just…wanted it to be special.” He admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. “Guess I kind of screwed that up…”
She laughed then, glomping him in the most uncharacteristic of matters and tightly kissing his cheek.
Surprised, he lifted his hands to support her weight and looked up at her like she had announced him to be the winner of the state lottery.
“You…you’re not mad anymore?” he murmured, admiring the way the city lights illuminated her skin.
“Of course not! You idiot – you made me wait so long! I hate you!” she accused, no malice in her bubbly voice as she leaned down and kissed him, square on the lips like he had always wished.
He responded lightly at first – careful not to drop her in astonishment – before fully giving himself into the kiss.
He had waited for so long, wanted for so long, and now he finally had her – the girl of his dreams.
Lucy wasn’t sure what possessed her to kiss him back.
Gray tasted the way laundry smelt. Sweet, a bit bland, but still nice. It was a kiss, after all.
Of course, he tastes the opposite of Natsu.
Natsu tasted like fire and everything exciting, his kisses made her toes curl and her eyelashes flutter, everything about them sent her flying into space at the speed of sound.
She blinked hard, trying to squeeze the life out of the memory. Nowadays, it seemed like the memories owned her and not vice versa, the way it should’ve been.
She almost pulled away, she almost told him that she couldn’t be with him, she had a boyfriend for cripes sake, but she stops all at once because she doesn’t – there is nothing stopping her from being with Gray. There is no boundary between them, if she wanted too, she could drown herself in his touch and end her suffering over Natsu at the hands of another man, a man who cared for her –
And all she wanted was to be happy…
So she let herself melt into him, forgetting the way her life once was and shutting away the heart-wrenching twist in her heart that screamed Natsu’s name horrifically loud.
-this is what she wanted, right? To finally be happy?
Her hands shook a little when his wrapped around her waist, encouraging her to just forget him…
But she can’t.
She just lets him kiss her, because dammit; it hurts, but she’s not about to turn away her only source of affection.
All she wanted was to be happy.
He heard about it from Erza – which was obnoxious – if anything, he wanted to hear it from the source itself.
Gray and Lucy had hooked up. The news was everywhere.
And he was pissed. Actually, he was furious. It had been just a few weeks since he broke up with her, and that bastard couldn’t have waited? Did he have any idea how much it hurt?
Not only to him – but the full fledged 9.9 had hit Juvia.
He didn’t know who was the one that told her – he couldn’t even fully imagine how broken she was right now. Lucy knew, dammit, she knew full well that Juvia loved him, and she did it anyway.
He supposed his anger was mostly at himself, as well. He was the one who’d broken it off, not her. She had every right to flounce off with another guy.
But dammit, why did it have to hurt so bad?
He felt the crunch of his pencil in his grasp a second after he felt the pain of a shard of wood digging into his palm. Why was everything so fucked up? All he wanted to do was tear Gray’s head off – to tell him never again to touch what’s rightfully his – but he can’t.
The magnitude of the situation hadn’t even hit him until around fourth hour – he broke the Mr. Agard’s pencil sharpener into six pieces.
He couldn’t even think straight anymore. The only thing he could think about was her and what could’ve possessed her to do something so drastic.
What had he done.
Lucy could’ve died, In fact, she would’ve appreciated death at this point. The guilt and disgust that filled her was absolutely unbearable.
She had hooked up with gray. She knew it. And now everybody knew it –she couldn’t even look at herself in the mirror anymore, all she saw was a girl she didn’t recognize. A girl who had carelessly hurt her friend, and herself in the process, all for her selfish pursuit of happiness.
Juvia – oh god, Juvia – when Lucy saw her that morning, the only thing she desired was a sucker punch to the face. She wanted Juvia to scream at her, to vent her anger, to hate her with all her heart.
But what she’d done instead would haunt Lucy for the rest of her life.
She met Juvia’s watery blue eyes, and she was frozen.
Juvia’s eyes widened in the slightest, before she blinked and bit her lip, harshly, to keep in the rush of tears that were hiding behind them.
Lucy gulped, staring down the hallway without relent.
Yell at me, scream at me…oh god, Juvia…rip me apart, please…I…deserve it…
Juvia looked down, and ran, as fast as her legs could carry her to the girl’s bathroom.
Lucy felt her own eyes prick with tears. It was her fault – she was a selfish bitch, who deserved to feel this.
She deserved this, she deserved it so much. No wonder Natsu left her.
She was a horrible person, and she would never forgive herself for what she’d done.
“Oh, relax…it’s not that bad…” He assured her, looking at the shirt sideways.
“Oh, she’s gonna kill me! I’m such a horrible person – this is Levy’s favorite shirt, and I got paint on it!” Lucy wailed, flopping onto Natsu’s bed in exasperation.
“Yeah, I’m still trying to figure that one out.” Natsu said, running his hands through her silky ponytail. “How the hell did Levy’s shirt fit on you?”
“I made it a crop-top. But that doesn’t matter now! What am I supposed to do! It’s latex paint, it’s in there for good!” Lucy moaned into Natsu’s shirt.
“Hey, come on. She’s your best friend. Sure, she’ll be pissed, but it’ll only dent your friendship can.” He reminded.
“Friendship can? What the heck does that mean?” She sniffed.
“Ah…it was supposed to be a metaphor, didn’t work out as well as I wanted it to…” he admitted, pulling her up so she was sitting into his lap. “She’ll forgive you.” He murmured into her hair.
Lucy sighed and rested her head into the crook of his neck, inhaling the scent of cinnamon and sand. He and Gray had had a recent brawl at the beach volleyball court after a call that was ‘on the line’.
“Thanks Dragneel.” She muttered tiredly, lips grazing his tan skin.
“Anytime, Heart-feel-ya.” He said in the most annoying way possible.
She smiled then, wishing she could stay buried in his arms forever…
“We need to talk.”
Lucy swallowed the lump in her throat – how could he act so calm? It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair-
A small crowd congregated at the edge of the track, hoping to get a glimpse of the awaited confrontation between Natsu and Lucy. Natsu – not being an idiot and all – led Lucy to a safe place, underneath the silver bleachers, shielded from the sun and any wandering eyes.
Lucy shut her eyes once, before forcing any distracting memories from her mind. This was going to happen – whether she wanted it or not. She just had to get this through, she just had to stay standing-
“What the hell were you thinking?!?” He growled all of a sudden, scaring her out of her daze successfully.
“I-I wasn’t.” She said, voice smaller than she had hoped.
“You weren’t? Do you have any idea how much you’ve hurt Juvia?!” He accused.
Lucy almost broke.
“You think I don’t know?!? I wasn’t thinking, ok! I regret it, I do, but only because of that! I didn’t want to hurt her-“
“Well you did.’ He seethed, more angry than she ever could’ve imagined.
And all of a sudden, all she wanted to do was hurt him.
She wanted him to feel every last emotion she’d experienced since the break-up, she wanted him to cry, to ache in fury because if she had to go through it, why in god’s name didn’t he?
“You know what?” She said flatly, fresh out of remorse. “I don’t regret it.”
Natsu stopped breathing, for what felt like thousands of years.
“What?” He rasped, hands reaching out blindly to grab onto something for support – but there was nothing.
“You heard me.” She said persistently, taking a daring step forward. “I don’t regret it – I deserve to be happy, don’t I? So what if Gray is the one who makes me happy?”
He inhales so sharply, he could’ve chopped down an entire forest.
“You’re lying.” He said. “He doesn’t make you happy.”
“What do you know about me?!” She screamed, giving him a firm shove to the chest. He staggered backwards a bit, before steadying himself out of shock.
“You don’t know anything about me.” She whispered. “You never did. You never cared about me – I see that now.”
Natsu snapped, reeling like she had slapped him – she may has well have.
“Don’t,” he said, voice ragged. “Don’t say that.”
“You used me!” She screeched – and in that moment, everything stopped.
Natsu grabbed her wrist, despite her twisting, pulled it to his heart, and kissed her.
It wasn’t like any other kiss they’d had before – this kiss was positively desperate. She melted into it immediately – the force of Natsu’s emotions hitting her until her knees were weak and her heart begged to keep beating.
He pulled away, devastatingly slowly, and clasped her head in his hands. He never let his piercing eyes eave hers, and she thought she might collapse.
“Please, don’t ever say that.” He begged, holding her hands in his and leaning his forehead against hers.
“I just wanted you to be happy,” he whispered.
She gasped, tears rolling down her cheeks despite her desperation to keep them locked away.
“You idiot,” she choked, “you made me happy.”
He just laughed in bitter silence, embracing the thought of her and letting himself – for once – make the selfish decision, and hold onto her for just a minute longer.
Natsu inhaled, not wanting to repeat himself.
“Lucy, we…we have to break up.”
She laughed emptily before answering. “Is this a joke? Why?”
“We’re both…” he swallowed quickly, repeating to himself the words he wanted to say over, and over, “going off to college soon. I’m not going to let myself hold you back. Our lives are going in different directions, Lucy…I won’t be selfish.” He let go of her hands to prove to himself that this was it…this was the end.
“What?” She whispered, eyes brimming with unshed tears. “you…you’re completely serious? Natsu – I want to be with you! I don’t care if we have to go long distance, I’ll do it, don’t you believe in me at all?”
“Don’t, Lucy…you’ve never dated anyone besides me. I want you to experience life…with…”he swallowed thickly, almost making himself sick from saying it – “someone…else.”
The tears streamed down her face now, faster than the time he spent with her had went by and she cried – he had made her cry, something he promised himself long ago he’d never do.
“Please don’t cry, it’s better this way. I want you to be happy. I just want you to be happy.”
And with that, he left, because he knew if he stayed any longer he would’ve made the selfish decision and held onto her like she was his life force.
When she told Gray that she wasn’t going to be with him – he did the unexpected. He smiled sadly and nodded.
“I know.” He said, smile fading slowly. “I’ve always known.”
“I’m so sorry,” she apologized, but he brushed it away.
“It’s ok – I should’ve moved on a long time ago. I’m sorry too. I knew you were vulnerable.” Then he laughed, not a normal one, but a sad, hollow one that she hoped she’d never have to hear again.
“I guess we both used each other.”
She inhaled, to say one last parting word, maybe to salvage the last of their friendship.
“I’ll be fine, Lucy.” He glanced back into the crowd of graduating caps, and Lucy could’ve sworn she saw a swirl of familiar blue hair. “I’ll find someone else.”
And then he walked away, leaving Lucy to herself.
She exhaled and looked through the hoards of people, hoping to see the one and only person she wanted to say goodbye to.
But she saw nothing.
How’s campus life treating you? My roommate is awesome – he likes COD. Hah! Told you I wasn’t alone on that one.
The I joined like six clubs on accident. I guess I’m now part of the campus alcoholics anonymous group? Not sure how that happened, but hey, they’re a pretty good group a people.
Except for Mark. Bastard.
Anyways, what about you? Have you had any volleyball practices yet? I bet they’re brutal – you always did hate lap running.
I have my first class in a week and I’m beyond nervous. I know, right? Me, nervous? It happens, believe it or not. Once every third blue moon, that is. I bet you’re not nervous though, you nerd.
Levy says hi, by the way. I’m sure you know that though.
I miss you. A lot. Way more than I should, especially after the way I treated you.
I’m so, so sorr-
Natsu crumpled up the letter, and threw it in the trash can. There, it joined its brother, stacked up to the top of the can, never to be read by Lucy’s eyes.
Natsu broke, dropping the tiny pencil to the ground and letting himself go – anywhere, really. Anywhere he could escape the memory of her.
Ironic, really. The lengths he’s go to keep her safe, when all he was really doing was breaking them both.
they all have their demons, I suppose
why did this take me so long oh god
throw this and me into a trash can bye also yeah this is my first angst attempt please don’t hate me
this totally doesn’t fit under a prompt, does it?