welcome to night vales


I JUST THOUGHT OF THE BEST AU. Cecil works at a convenience store called Night Value. Every day he’s sick and tired of greeting every customer with “welcome to Night Value.” then enter Carlos. Carlos gets so flustered that he always gets the wrong thing and has to keep coming back. Cecil looks forward to meeting Carlos every day to see what he meant to buy instead of cigarettes or rice crispies. Also, Steve is Cecil’s manager and Steve let’s him not wear the uniform and allows the outlandish outfits because he’s dating Cecil’s sister.

Head canon that Maureen is going to be the next voice of night vale after Cecil because like him she can’t die as an intern. Even though she doesn’t want to be the voice, the prophecies at City Hall say that she will have to take up the mantle.

WTNV Horoscopes
  • Aries:I think they sae you, Aries, hold still. They cannot see you if you do not move. Shhh, don't move, don't move! Don't... Nope, they saw you. So long, Aries.
  • Taurus:Someone misses you a lot, Taurus. And even though you have nothing but endless time, trapped out in a nightmarish, desert hellscape, you have a hard tim emaking a phone call longer than 10 minutes. Maybe call a bit more than you do, Taurus. Yep... That's just some astrological advice, from the stars.
  • Gemini:You know those eight spiders a year, you eat in your sleep? Well they add up. They are all organizing a pretty dramatic escape. Very soon, Gemini, very soon.
  • Cancer:The ocean is vast, you convince yourself walking along between the trees. The sky is endless, you mutter repeatedly trying to finally lull yourself to sleep. Matter can neither be created, nor destroyed, you contemplate, despite not understanding the first part of the statement. "What's on the food network tonight?" You say aloud to a stranger you have known for years.
  • Leo:Need a penny, take a penny. Have a penny, take another penny. Pennies are worthless, but go ahead and take them all. Build a great fortune only to have it'd great copper weight crush your lifeless pauper body.
  • Virgo:Don't shoot the messenger, Virgo. It's noisy and will alert others of your crime. Lure the messenger inside, make sure no one saw him come it, chose something quieter than a gun. Perhaps suffocation, or an accidental fall. Really plan these things out. Stop being so trigger happy, Virgo.
  • Libra:Do you believe in ghosts? You don't? Well won't you be surprised, when you wake up in the middle of the night tonight. Scream loud enough so the neighbours can hear you.
  • Scorpio:You are respected by your peers, you are a great thinker and leader, you... Wait, what is this? this is definitely not the right reading for a Scorpio. It must be a typo. I bet the stars meant to say, "You should hear what they're saying about you, very funny things, Scorpio. They're saying very funny things, at your expense, you jerk!" Yep that's definitely what the stars meant to say.
  • Sagittarius:The best revenge is living well. The second best is tasteless, slow acting poison. Maybe it's more of a tie, either way, you got wronged. And you need to set things right, Sagittarius
  • Capricorn:Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, which is better than to have never loved at all but also somehow lost a love. Thus creating a paradox. Paradoxes are bad, Capricorn. Be careful, or logic will destroy you.
  • Aquarius:You boyfriend is trapped in an alternate desert dimension. It is difficult to say when he will return. Perhaps take up drinking while crying in a quiet room, wow that's a very specific and painful horoscope. Thanks for nothing stars.
  • Pisces:A train leaves a station, travelling west at 40 miles per hour. Another train leaves a station travelling east at 60 miles per hour. There two trains left on different days, in different years, in different countries. How long until the passengers acknowledge their own impermanence?