weird similes

Castiel isn't a native English speaker

and I wish the spn writers were more aware of it.

Do you know how many times I had to stop myself from using a German turn of phrase while speaking English or French?

I wish that sometimes Cas would use these really weird similes and metaphors that are a direct translation from enochian, so it’s Dean and Sam who have to ask for clarification to understand what he means.

In other words, I wanna see more scenes like “assbut” and “you speak with the mouth of a goat”.

On a somewhat similar note, there’s no spn fanfic trope I love more than “Cas swears like a sailor in enochian”.

Cas isn’t just a different species, he’s from a different culture and I wanna see more evidence of that!

All this talk of Humans being the Cute Species to aliens. Or the Tough Species. Or just having loads of weird language tricks like simile and metaphor.

Let’s face it, we’re all on the internet, we all know what Rule 34 is. We’d be the Porn Species. That’d be our thing. We get horny for anything. There is nothing that some human, somewhere, won’t think is hot. We’d be like the Casanovas of the galaxy.

so I’m in that finals week punch-drunk sweet spot where sleep deprivation, caffeine, and first-final-went-well all combine into a mind-altering state not unlike being high. I’m still functional enough to study, but whatever part of my brain that makes metaphors is definitely on the fritz. This morning I was trying to describe the 20-minute nap I got at the end of my pre-final all nighter, and the sentence I uttered was:

“I basically spiked my gray matter off the far side of a REM cycle, which was just enough to let the pathetic mass of neurons left behind after the caffeine brain blender get all the juicy law nuggets into some kind of order.”

To which my horrified classmate responded: “What.”

So in the interests of procrastinating on studying for a few minutes and entertaining internet strangers, here’s a few of the metaphors/similes/analogies/weird crap that has come out of my mouth in the last week. Not even I know what I meant with some of these.  Please be merciful in your judging; I am so tired.

  • describing how pale I’ve gotten while living in a study room: “when i go makeup shopping i just go the palest end of the spectrum, past ‘ivory’ to ‘copy paper’ and then i grab the jar of mayonnaise next to that, because that’s how white i am right now.”
  • “ive become a half-reverse-vampire; i love garlic and i won’t come in your house if you invite me, but i still flee from sunlight and smell like death.”
  • “im ADHD as fuck dude. my brain is like seventeen squirrels on crack. if i can get them all pointed in one direction and focused on one thing, im basically unstoppable, but as soon as i get distracted, it’s a full on clown party in there.”
  • “as a general rule, i try not to consume any food item larger than my head, but given the current size of my ego and the amount of nonsensical court rules i’ve stuffed in there recently, im pretty sure my head’s twice the size it used to be. so we should probably order at least two more pizzas.”

“I’m up here most o’ the time anyway, because I’m studying to become a gonnagle.” The young Feegle flourished a set of mousepipes. “An’ they willna let me play doon there on account o’ them sayin’ my playin’ sounds like a spider tryin’ to fart through its ears, mistress.”

– I consider myself adept at weird similes but Sir Terry will always surpass me | Terry Pratchett, The Wee Free Men

How to pronounce the Spanish and French ‘r’ sounds



  • ok so if you’re the kind of person who says ‘gotta’ w/o actually pronouncing the ’t’ sound (and replaces it w/ a lil flap of the tongue against the roof of your mouth), this will make sense to you
  • that tongue movement when you say the ‘tt’ in ‘gotta’ is what you need to start rolling your ‘r’s
  • try to keep your tongue doing that lil trill/flap while exhaling and you’ve done it!

  • if you have no idea what i’m talking about and don’t say ‘gotta’ that way or don’t say it at all, no fear! the sound i’m talking about is similar to the d sound in 'den’
  • try saying 'da’ over and over and notice how your tongue is doing a lil flappy thing against the roof of your mouth, a little bit behind your top teeth
  • keep that lil trill/flap going while exhaling and you’ve done it!


  • prep your mouth to make a k sound
  • move your tongue back a bit so you can feel the base of it touching the softer part of the roof of your mouth (the soft palate)
  • keeping that position with your tongue, exhale. the sound you should hear should be similar to the ch in Bach, but a little different–it’s basically the french r sound
  • if you want to ‘roll’ your french r, then just prolong the breath you’re exhaling. it should feel like your uvula (the thing hanging at the back of your mouth) is flapping against the back of your tongue like one of those lil punching bag things that hang from the ceiling and move back after you punch it (i know, it’s a weird simile but that’s the best image i can come up w rn)

so yeah, now you know how to say two kinds of rs!

Diary of Lisa Park

Jeremy Blaire just arrived at my doorstep telling me Way had a unknown mental illness and that the Murkoff corporation would be giving him treatment. Basically he has been admitted as a patient.
Now Blaire is already a sketchy character, I don’t trust people with that kind of ability to be so goddamn charming. But the way he was acting was just screaming dishonesty. I can’t go see Way, Blaire said it would be harmful to his recovery.
I remember swearing like a disgruntled sailor, calling him and the Murkoff corporation all sorts of things. I think I created a few new swears.
I regret cursing so much near the baby, but he fucking deserved it. 
Way is not insane, if he is, then it was caused by Murkoff. I don’t know whats going on there but I intend to find out, and stop it.

The drive took a little more than an hour, I parked my car away from the entrance and walked the rest of the way. The first thing I notice is a red jeep, I didn’t look to much into it, it was probably an employees. Then all the armored vehicles caught my eye. An asylum wouldn’t have a dozen of those at the entrance completely empty if everything was all right. Something happened here.
I’m suddenly glad I decided to bring a knife.
I admit the camera was a little much, but I need some evidence to sue Murkoff with.

God there are corpses everywhere. The floors are covered in blood, intestines scattered all over the place. My hands are shaking like the tail of a rattlesnake. Horror movies sugarcoat this shit.
I see a bookcase full of the disembodied heads of men, a dead soldier impaled on a pole. God… What the fuck happened here?

After being thrown out a window by a bloody noseless monstrosity I find a walkie-talkie were Way is on the other side. His voice was frantic and pleading. Before he could answer my questions someone loudly exclaimed “Darling!” And then he turned his walkie-talkie.
My chest is full of dread, I feel closer to loosing my dinner. This means Waylon could have just died, there’s no way of knowing.
I tried to see if I could go through the front door but it was locked. My heart is still beating like the running of a frantic man to escape horrors that he does not know of.

Fic Fishing

When I started reading fanfiction I was a deep sea fisherman. I sailed to far off journals, blogs and archives trawling through all the fic I could find. Schools of drabbles, delightful pods of oneshots, whales of epics that I followed for days just to hear them sing. True, there were some downsides, storms of limited downloads that kept me from the fic, jellyfish and seaweed disguised as fic to swamp me, unexpected kinks like sharks that tried to maul me and not a coast guard to post warnings in site.

Gradually I lost my taste for the expedition, staying closer to home, sticking to the rec sites in the shallows. When the supermarket of AO3 opened its doors to me it was great! All the fic I could want with neat ingredient, nutrition and allergy labels! A store directory to search for exactly what I need! But my trawling skills got a little rusty and I had no patience to search through the seaweed any more which did seem to get washed down the aisles occasionally.

These days I hang around the Tumblr fishmarket, buying bits and pieces from those who still fish, nipping over to the supermarket when I have a craving for something specific, listening to tales from fishermen even older than me (Back in their day you needed to fight off pirates, subscribe to zines and walk over frozen seas to find the fic) and generally have a much more fun time than when I was only going to the supermarket by myself.


Looking at Dan’s videos you can really see how much he has changed and grown since his first video. Like look at his first video:

The first part where he just shows part of his face and is then like “Hi” just makes me laugh more than it should. If I was aware of Youtube at the time this was posted I would have subscribed as soon as that came on the screen.

When he is talking about his voice not sounding like the computer is making it sound he uses some pretty weird simile that I never thought I would hear anyone use, but as you watch more of his videos you get used to the strange similes. It’s nice to see the ways he has stayed the same since he made his first video.

During the part that he says what he is going to do during the videos and he goes on about what he isn’t going to be like and cuts to a video of him as a boring emo (if I’m wrong don’t judge me) you can really see how much effort he has put into the effect to make the clip all black and white and doing his make up to look all emo and gothic (again, don’t judge if I’m wrong). These effects might not be complicated or sophisticated but they showed how much he was trying to make this video good and for us to like it, not just recording himself saying his name and boring stuff. He added all the effects and took the time to edit it to make all the different clips flow. He cared about the quality of his videos from the very start, before he had any subscribers because he hadn’t posted a video yet, he still cared about how he looked to us and he didn’t even know who “us” were at the time.

I don’t think he is trying to impress us though in this video. When he is talking to the camera with the tissue paper from the party popper cover his head and his face I don’t think he is doing that to impress us, I think it’s just Dan being Dan. The same when he pretends to make the polar bear attack his face, something that normally younger kids do, I think that was just Dan being himself. I truly believe that this is the reason that Dan has as many subscribers as he does today.

This is really as important but I still noticed it and would like to talk about it. At the end of the video when he is talking about the weird mark on his arm he beeps out the swearing. I know that he does that in some of his videos now and sometimes he doesn’t but I still think it’s nice that he did that. It could be because he didn’t really know who his subscribers were going to be so just in case he beeped it out. But it could also be something much less deep than that so It’s probably not important.

In Dan’s most recent video, “I Mumble”, you can really see how much he has changed but also stayed the same since his first video.

For a start he looks so much older, his face has lost the roundness that most younger people have and he just looks so much more grown up. Probably because he is a lot more grown up…

At the start when he goes from mumbling to yelling it shows how comfortable he is making these videos for us now. In the first one he seemed more awkward but now he is comfortable around us to some degree. Others might say things like he isn’t comfortable with us because of all the creepy edits and fanfiction that we make and that if he was completely comfortable Phan would have come out by now but I think that Dan is pretty comfortable around us, although some things might make him uneasy at times.

Dan  has always used a lot of similes in his videos when mainly describing himself. From saying his voice sounded like a paedophile-tramp-polar bear in his first video to saying he uses vocabulary like a 12foot penis at a party in his most recent video. I think Dan just does this naturally and not something he is putting on for his videos, although sometimes he may spend a lot of time thinking about them as we can tell from Phil’s tweet about Dan asking him what the best potato metaphor was for his previous video “The Time I Got Sunstroke”.

I really like the clip that he does with Phil to show how he  mumbles and how Phil is pretty deaf. It’s not really that important but I think it’s cute how they always film together and are seen together, you hardly ever got one of them on their own.

This one is kind of similar to the first video, Dan dresses put to get his message across. In the first video when he’s talking about what he isn’t going to do for his videos he dresses up as an emo (Again,  don’t judge if I’m wrong) and now he dresses up as a female a lot in his videos (Not going to take that too far..) and other things like being Kind Daniel in his most recent video. He puts so much effort into his videos, especially in the king Daniel scene, where he dresses up as a kind, although he looks more like a princess, and has got Phil to dress up as the prisoner, and then done all the background, I think it’s really clever and not many people would have been able to do it when they were just starting off making videos.

Okay so I had to write about the bit where he is doing his mouth exercises, I’ve seen pictures and stuff about it on Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr so I had to put this in. I think it really shows how comfortable Dan is around us. If he wasn’t comfortable with it he would have just edited it out of the video, but he didn’t, so I think he is comfortable around us.

At the end of the video he shows a mistake when filming where he was so shocked his boobs fell off while he was dresses as a girl. After that he tells us how he wasn’t even drinking wine, it was watered down Ribena. I don’t see why he wasn’t drinking real wine, he is old enough to buy it and even if he wasn’t Phil would have been, I think it’s because he didn’t want to drink alcohol in front of us in case it gave a bad impression or something? I’m not sure but if I’m right it’s a really nice thought.

Finally I had to write about the amazing effects that Dan did with the photo of his meal with Pewdiepie! Editing it so that it looked as though the picture and moving and stuff was really good! A lot of people wouldn’t be able to do that and I certainly wouldn’t be able to, it just shows how much effort he puts into his videos recently, I mean he has that many dedicated fans now he could probably upload a video of a freaking tree or something boring like that and we would still give it loads of likes and all that jazz.

Anyway that’s my thoughts on Dan’s first and most recent videos, it got a bit more detailed than I was expecting and took me 4 days to write but its finally done!