The Penis Game & Group Projects
(Hi, this is a japril med school au I found in my drafts. For this story I’m going with April’s first reason for being a virgin that she revealed in 7x07, saying she wanted it to be special, instead of using her religion. Hope you guys enjoy)
“I know mom.” Jackson Avery said for what felt like the billionth time into his cell phone. For the entire 10 minute duration, from his room on campus to the library, his mother, Dr Catherine Avery has been scolding him.
“Jackson I know you’re in college but you need to stop sleeping around so much or be more discrete. You’re not in your under grad anymore you’re in med school. More importantly at Harvard where half of our coworkers children attend school.”
“I’m well aware of it.” Jackson replied while rolling his eyes and striding up the giant concrete steps leading up to the Countway Library
It’s not like he sleeps around that much. In Jackson’s opinion, the fellow “legacies” of Harvard needed to mind their own fucking business, but he would never say that aloud while talking to his mom.
“Your grandfather and I are tired of your indiscretions being gossip here. So I’m setting you up with a date for the fall fundraiser.”
“What? No. You’re not.” He grasped the library’s door handle way harder than what was needed and swung the door open as he entered the building. Anytime his mother has tried to “set him up” in the past it was one of the younger staffers or a friend’s daughter, anyone who would be her little spy. Picking up whatever his mother didn’t hear through the grape vine.
“Want to bet?”
“You can’t because-” trying to come up with a good lie quickly, while looking for his study group was harder than one would think. The library’s arched ceiling went up to two stories tall and their study area was filled with evenly spaced tables; the way they were lined up made it goes as long as half a football field. Scanning his eyes through the dispersed crowd of people: the guy in the very back corner who thinks he is inconspicuously watching porn, but in reality, everyone has known he does that since the first year of undergrad; the Aryan study group, all of them had blonde hair with blue eyes. Some of them were stupid enough to tweet things with the hashtag #AllLivesMatter or even worse #WhiteLivesMatter; there was an attractive girl studying by herself, and two tables away from her was just who he was looking for. Charles Percy, he was wearing his ridiculous neon yellow shirt. Jackson was pretty sure no one else in Massachusetts owned it.
“Jackson, I don’t have all day here.” His mother said sounding less impressed than she had throughout the entire conversation. Bringing him back to his need for an excuse.
“You can’t set me up with someone because … Because I have a girlfriend.” He stuttered out while walking towards his friends.
“Since when? Who is she? Are you bringing her out to brunch on Sunday? You remembered we’re having brunch right?”
“Mom we have brunch the third Sunday of every month of course I remember. It’s uh really new and I can’t get into any details right now cause I have to go bye.” Jackson hung up before his mother could say anything else.
“So since when do you have a girlfriend Jackie?” One of Jacksons best friends, Alex Karev smirked. Of course, Alex had to hear his lie.
“Shut up. My mom was trying to set me up with one of her minions again.” Jackson said while sitting down.
“What’s this imaginary girlfriend’s name?” Charles asked joining in with Alex.
“Look it doesn’t matter, I’ll tell my mom it’s too new for them to meet each other and then, both conveniently and tragically, we’ll break up just before the gala.”
“Dude, you think that will actually work? Your mom is probably stalking your facebook right now looking for your fake girlfriend.”
“This issue is more than a month away, I’m more worried about the fact I have to memorize all of these reading tomorrow, Since Webbers going to grill me.” Jackson sighed.
Professor Webber was one of the most highly respected faculty members on staff. He taught with such a passion anyone would want to learn from him. But he was a hard ass who loved to pick on his students all the time. Especially with Jackson, and for no apparent reason.
Almost two hours had passed since Jackson sat down with his group. The three men stopped actually studying 15 minutes ago and for the past ten have been playing the penis game.
“Penis.” Charles whispered, this was one of these more arbitrary choices for a game, but it helped pass the time.
“Penis.” Alex said at the same octave, completely missing the point of the game. He and Charles were too big of chickens to scream the word in the library, but Jackson was so bored he went with the lengthening the time of the game.
“Penis.” Jackson repeated less than a decibel higher. Charles and Alex continued following the same tone as the person before them. Jackson was getting ready to get it to a normal noise level. Licking his top lip then proceeding to press it with his bottom lip making the p sound “pe-”
“PENIS.” A very loud, very feminine voice bellowed startling all three men, and the entire library. “There the game is over. Now can you guys please shut up so people can study in peace?” Asked the pretty girl Jackson noticed when he first arrived.
Although she still tried to sound as assertive as she was screaming, any hardness to her voice was basically gone, replaced by a soft almost endearing tone.
She took their silence as a yes and went back to reading her textbook. Jackson was completely speechless. The only other person he never knew how to reply sometimes was his mother. He was so impressed he wanted to know this girls name. Before he could ask, her phone started ringing and she was gone.
As soon as she left Alex was the first to speak “I don’t think I’ve ever played that game and had a girl win.”
“Have you ever actually played the penis game with a girl before?” Jackson asked.
“Oh God! I knew I knew her from somewhere. Oh no.” Charles mumbled actually looking sick to his stomach.
“Dude, who are you talking about?” Alex asked furrowing his eyebrows, neither he nor Jackson could follow what Charles was talking about half the time.\
“That girl, she was with the one who made out with me at the frat party two weeks ago.” Charles put his face in his hands as he continued, “and now she’ll probably tell her friend I’m an idiot, who plays the penis game in the library.”
“Wait which chick did you kiss?”
“I’ve been trying to find her since the party. Don’t you guys listen to anything I say?” Charles was met with two blank stares from his friends. “The one with the pixie cut and rose tattoo on her arm.”
“Oh yeah, we thought you gave up on her like a week ago.” Jackson said.
“It’s college, and you’re in med school. Women throw themselves at us once they find out. Just move on.” Alex added.
After they were done studying the three boys parted ways from the library. Without any plans and not really in the mood to go back to his dorm, Jackson found himself wandering to the closest coffee shop.
It was a very comforting place, the smell of coffee beans greeting him as soon as he entered, plush leather couches to rest on, a shelf full of book one could borrow during their stay here, and acoustic songs playing softly in the background.
Jackson made his way to the back of the line and couldn’t be happier with what he saw ahead of him, the cashier was his mystery girl. She welcomed every customer with a contagious smile and listened attentively to every word they said. Her hair is tied in a high ponytail, that bounced beautifully every time her head moves. By the time Jackson was the next person in line he has studied every inch of her that could be seen above the counter. He knows it sounds weird but she intrigues him.
“I can help who’s next.” She called out while passing the latest coffee order she took to the person on bar. As she looked up her entire demeanour changed “What can I get for you?”
“I’ll get a medium americano, and I would like to apologize for me and my friends earlier. We had no intentions of disrupting your studying.”
“That the entire point of the game.” she laughed “And your name?”
“Jackson, can I get yours.”
“Your total is $2.58.” She replied
“You never answered my question,” Jackson said to her as he passed a $5 bill. “And keep the change.”
“My name? Nah, I don’t trust people with last names as first names.” This girl amused him more and more with each second that passed by.
“You know that’s quite prejudicial of you.” Jackson told her while giving her the ‘look.’ Whenever he used his eyes he always got what he wants. Out of trouble with adults as a child, teachers giving him extensions on projects, and dates lot and lots of dates.
“I guess I’m a biased person, you can pick up your drink at the left. I can help whos next.” Correction, Jacksons eyes usually always got him what he wants.
“I have a medium Americano for a uh-uh. Just an uh medium americano.” The male barista called out with a peculiar expression. Jackson picked up the steaming cup, unsure as to what would cause the guys expression. What was wrong with his drink? It looked like an Americano and when he put it up to his nose it smelt like one. Everything seemed perfectly normal. That was until he noticed what was on the side of the cup, with perfect writing “PENIS.”
When Sunday came around Jackson wore one of his favourite suits. A grey Giorgio Armani, with a very tiny pinstripe pattern, that was altered perfectly for him. On more than one occasion, when Jackson went to these brunches people assumed he was going to church. To many Christian girls, he looked the perfect part to be their dream guy. Because of this, he was often given many numbers belonging to girls with crosses on their necks. He even hooked up with a couple of them (on a different day), but nothing more. The one thing that destroyed each and everyone girls fantasy was the fact he’s an atheist.
He was raised to believe in science and only things that can be proven. That was the entire ironic part to him, so many of the women that wanted him believed in love at first sight and there is only one person they’re meant to be with. Jackson doesn’t even believe in the concept of soulmates, they’re ridiculous to him. How could someone actually believe that out of the seven billion people on this planet you’re only compatible with one of them. And how is it even possible that this one person is even in the same geographical region as their “soul mate.”
Jackson arrived at brunch right on the dot, at 9 am.
“You’re late.” His mother greeted him.
“You said to meet at 9 o'clock, it’s 9!”
“And I also say on time is five minutes early. Now kiss your mothers cheek and sit down.” He did as told, after kissing his mothers cheek he sat down in the seat directly across from her. “So where is she?” His mother asked peeking her head behind him.
“Who?” Jackson questioned turning to face where she was looking, unsure of whom she was looking for.
“Don’t play dumb, Jackie. Where is your girlfriend?” Oh yeah… He ‘had’ a girlfriend.
“Oh c'mon Jackson, it’s not like I’m going to psychology damage her. I just want to meet the girl that’s making my son happy.”
“We’re still really new and I don’t want to rush it, mom.” Although his mom has meddled with his love life since he started dating, today she looked so genuinely excited. It made him feel awful about creating this lie. He kept telling himself if he didn’t, the night of the fundraiser would be a terrible setup. And as a bonus, when his fake girlfriend (hypothetically) breaks his heart, his mother won’t yell at him for getting lucky with someone at the gala…. And that thought was even worse if he kept this up the title of worlds most terrible son would be his soon. “I really care about her, but I will bring her to the gala.”
“Oh alright, can I get her name?” The one problem in an otherwise full proof plan.. Jane Doe? Suzy Homemaker? No name?
“No, I don’t need you internet stalking her. You can find out at the gala.”
“Fine, I’ll meet her then and she will tell me everything about herself. Speaking of the gala, since it’s on a Saturday night, and that function will go until the sun rises, I want to move our monthly brunch. What day is it your classes start later.”
“Perfect, we will meet the Thursday before the gala. Make sure, you put the changed date in your calendar.”
“Alright everyone, as you know, your Objective Structured Clinical Exams are coming up in the next couple of months. Last class, I gave you all 7 different patients to study, all with different symptoms. Let’s see who actually did their work.” Professor Webber looked down at his classroom list to call on names. “Ms Murphy.”
“Ugh yes, sir.” A tall girl, with long dirty blonde hair, and very prominent cheek bones replied.
“Uh, patient four.” The girl repeated in a questioning matter.
“Yes, tell your class about patient four.”
“Do you know what case I’m even talking about?” There was no response to his question, just silence.
“How could someone not do the assignments Webber gave? That’s like showing up to class naked.” Jackson whispered to his friend, completely baffled at what he is witnessing.
“A complete moron.” Alex replied.
“Mr Karev, tell me about patient four.” Professor Webber said, startling both Alex and Jackson.
“Patient four is in recovery after surgery and is having respiratory problems.”
“What is your diagnosis?”
“Post-op pneumonia, I would have her put on antibiotics right away.” Alex answered, voice full of confidence.
“The drugs have been administrated and nothing has changed over night. She still has shortness of breath what now?” Professor Webber asked
“I.. don’t know.” He answered truthfully
“Name the causes of post-op fever.”
“Yes sir..” Alex quickly grabs his notes for reference.
“From your head. Not from a book. Don’t look it up, learn it, it should be in your head. Name the common causes of post-op fever.” “Uh…the common causes of post-op…”
“Can anybody name the common causes of post-op fever?” Professor Webber looks away from Alex, asking the entire class now. Jackson felt bad for his friend, usually, only Webber grilled him this bad. “Go ahead,” Webber said looking at someone further back than Jackson and Alex.
“Wind, water, wound, walking, wonder drugs. The five Ws. Most of the time it’s wind, splinting or pneumonia. Pneumonia’s easy to assume, especially if you don’t run tests.” Said a feminine voice, the same one from the library and the cafe last week.
“What do you think is wrong with patient 4?”
“The fourth W, walking. I think they’re a prime candidate for pulmonary embolism.” She replied to their instructor, completely sure of herself.
“And how would you diagnose?”
“Spiral CT, VQ scan, provide O2, dose with Heparin, and consult for an IVC filter.”
“Thank you, ugh, Miss?”
“Kepner, sir.” She said sounding timider than just before.
For the rest of the lecture, Webber tortured other students with these cases. Shockingly he left Jackson alone.
“Some of you succeeded today while others failed miserably. Not only is this preparing you for your tests, it’s also the basis of your upcoming project. I’m assuming the majority of you won’t like this but you’ll be in groups of my choosing. I won’t take any complaints because no matter whether you go into research, radiology, dermatology, gynaecology, surgery or any other option you will have to learn to work with your colleagues as a team. You and your partner will have to create a case. Then you will share your case to five different groups and they will show you there’s. I just sent an email with a list of every group.”
Everyone in the class whipped their phones out to look for said email. Jackson refreshed his phone five times before the email appeared in his inbox. As soon as he clicked it he skipped down to the bottom for the attachment.
He quickly read every name “Alexandra Grey and George O'Malley” doesn’t know the girl, sort of knows George; a bit of a nerd but he is always kind to everyone. “Isobel Stevens and Ryan Scott.” She’s a part time underwear model while he’s a full-time douche. A bunch of people he barely knows are listed, he sees his best friends name “Alex Karev and Reed Adamson” no clue who she is. Then he notices mystery girls last name, Kepner, and he couldn’t stop himself from smiling at the last name he saw beside hers. “April Kepner and Jackson Avery.”
“Oh God.” April sighed, slouching further into the uncomfortable seat. One would think for the $53,000+ dollars each student in this room is paying to attend such a prestigious place like Harvard, the university could afford seats with some cushioning. April didn’t really care about that right now though, she would sit on a chair made of thorns if it would swallow her up and take her away from this situation.
“What’s wrong?” Her best friend since under grad, Lexie Grey, asked.
“Look who my partner is.” April said passing her phone.
“Oh,” Lexie replied, giving April her phone back. “Well, he doesn’t seem like that bad of a guy. Plus I know you find him attractive.”
“What? No!” April gasped, sitting up straight. Obviously, she did but he was cocky and ignorant.
“Calm down anyone with a working pair of eyes would agree.” Lexie smirked. “But with the reaction you just gave now, I know you like him.” That sentenced causes a giant scowl to appear on Aprils face.
“What on good gods earth makes you think that?” April asked.
“You never get this bent out of shape over a guy.” Lexie laughed while getting out of her chair and collecting her belongings. April was quick to copy her actions but was in no way finished with this conversation.
“I have no interest in talking to or dealing with some egotistical guy who thinks he can get everything because he’s pretty.”
“So you do think he’s attractive. While you’re working on this project make sure you get some of that Jackson action.”
“Never ever say that again.” April pleaded.
“You better remove that scowl from your face, because your pretty boy is walking right this way. See you later girl, I need to go find George.”
Once Lexie left the auditorium, April turned around to become, face to face with him.
“So, April. I’m glad I finally know your name.” Jackson greeted her along with a beautiful smile showing off his perfect straight white teeth, he looked like he should be in an ad for Colgate.
“I’m glad to know you’re competent enough to read an email.” She knew she was being rude, acting in the complete opposite manner to the way she was raised, but she couldn’t help it, he was so irritating. “It will make it a lot easier to work on this project.” To her surprise this comment made his smile grow even wider, and he even let out a chuckle.
“You know, I can’t believe I never noticed you were in my class.”
“Well I am, we even have Bailey and Hunts classes together.”
“Glad to see you’re keeping an eye on me.” He said giving her the same look in the coffee shop.
“As much as I hate to cut this conversation short, I need to go to my next class,” April told him, she needed to get away from him because she might do or say something irrational, like try and kiss him or smack him, or even worse, both. In all honesty, she’d probably choose the latter option making her seem even crazier.
“Well I have a two-hour break before my lab, I’ll walk you there. Then we can talk about our project.”
As much as she wanted to say ‘no’ it was like she forgot how to pronounce that word. So she picked up her bag and lead the way up the stairs. Unsure of how to start she remained silent for a few seconds.
“I just have a question.”
“Did you show up to Thursday’s class?”
“And here I thought you were going to talk about our project.” April rolled her eyes as they entered the hall way. “Yes, I worked an early shift at the coffee shop, it actually caused me to be a bit late. Luckily for me, Webber was so focused on grilling you with a thousand questions, that he didn’t even notice me sneak in.”
“Yeah, I’m shocked Webber didn’t call on me today. And I’m assuming you were on the closing shift the night before when you so nicely wrote penis on my cup. So why were you opening at the ass crack of dawn, the next day?”
“Hey, you have to admit that was pretty funny.” April giggled to herself mainly. “I’m usually who they call when they need a shift covered, and ugh sadly scholarships don’t cover everything.” She said uncomfortably, it was no secret Jackson came from money, the majority of this school had wealthy backgrounds. April on the other hand, grew up on a farm in a town no one here would have ever heard of or care to know of its existence.
“Oh yeah, it was so funny I started referring to you as Penis Girl before I learned your actual name.”
“What?!??” Penis Girl implies, that she’s either a) a trans woman - which isn’t a bad thing it’s just she recognizes how easier her life is as a cisgender woman - or b) a woman who’s probably been up close and personal with lots of penises. Truth be told the only male genitals April has ever seen with her own eyes are pictures in her medical textbook.
“I’m messing with you I didn’t actually call you that. When are you free?” Jackson asked, quickly adding. “So we can ugh actually start the project.”
“I’m not sure, I’ll check my work schedule and email you when I know.”
“Or you could just text me it.” Jackson said stepping to the side so their forearms grazed.
“I don’t have your number.” April told him trying to move away from him - she couldn’t think straight when he did that.
“Well, that could easily be changed.” His voice was full of confidence and kind of cocky. It reminded her of when he went to her work. As attractive as he was, there is no way in hell she would let him manipulate her so he could get what he wanted.
“That’s not necessary, bye Jackson.” April chuckled, desperately trying to hide her smile as she went into class. Messing with Jackson brought such a simple easy pleasure to her day.
April laid her body on her plush, floral duvet. Nights like this were her favourite: no makeup, wearing a pair of cosy sweat pants and a pizza to share between her and Lexie. And she couldn’t be happier to see her friend. The only time they’ve seen each other this week was in class, whenever one had free time outside of school, the other one didn’t.
“So who’s the new guy in your life?” April asked Lexie. This caused a shocked look to appear on her friends face. “It’s kind of obvious when we were getting the pizza you couldn’t stop a smile from forming on your face every time your phone buzzed. Also every time you replied you’d check your phone two seconds later.”
“Um.. he… he is -uh-he’s older,” Lexie told her obviously nervous, not only was one of her hands playing with her hair, she was stuffing a pizza slice in her mouth - not even chewing, with her other hand. Two tell tale signs April has picked up over the years.
“So you’ve dated guys older than you before?” Lexie’s lack of response is what worried April. “What is he your dad’s age?”
“Well, he’s closer to my dad’s age than mine. But-but that’s not the issue.” Lexie sighed grabbing another slice of pizza.
“Is he a convicted felon?” April knew Lexie’s type of guy had always been interesting. They were always attractive but they each had a stereotypical bad boy vibe to them. Maybe she was tired of just having a vibe and went for the real thing, with a felony to match his status.
“What? No April! Why is that the first thing you go to?” Rolling her eyes, making it very obvious how ridiculous April sounded.
“Well, you’re acting really sketchy.”
“It’s Mark Sloan!” She blurted out, both girls were well known to suffer from word vomit, no matter how hard either of them tried to swallow what they said down their throats.
“Pr-Pro-Professor Sloan? That Mark Sloan?”
“Yes, I’m the girl that sleeps with Professor. I’m that girl.” Lexie said shoving her hands into her face. “But it’s so good, like mind blowingly go-” quickly shutting up to the sound of April’s door opening.
“What’s mind blowingly good?” Aprils dorm mate, Reed Adamson asked. Reed liked April and vice versa they just ran in different social circles. Both had the type of personality that took time for most people to grow on but for different reasons: April was considered too perky, too by the book; Reed was often seen as a cold hearted bitch. Each of the personalities grew on Lexie, but she’d choose April over Reed any day. Especially with something as personal as the topic of discussion right now.
“The pizza, you know how much Lexie loves food. Tonight we got pizza with peppers and a pesto sauce drizzled on top. She’s in love.” April lied, well nothing she said was false, it was a conversation that occurred (the previous week).
“Okay, well I’ll be out of your hair soon. I’m getting dick tonight and have no plans of being back in this room till tomorrow morning. You can sleep in my bed, if you want, Lexie.” Reed said pointing to her bed across the room. After grabbing some stuff including a tube of lipstick and a red lace bra, she was gone.
“So, back to our conversation,” April said wanting to go to the previous conversation before they were interrupted. It’s not like April wanted to hear every detail of Lexie’s sex life, but she wanted her friend to be able to discuss what’s going on in her life. Otherwise, Lexie would blow and have a worse case of word vomit - than what had just occurred, and it would likely be in front of the wrong person.
“Yeah, you want to talk about how I’m the unknown class slut.”
“Shut up, you’re not a bad person. You’ve always owned your sexuality. Why are you acting any different now?”
“I think you’re the wisest virgin I’ve ever met. Or did you decide to take my advice and take a ride on Jackson’s di-”
“No!” April blushed.
“Look I know you said you want it to be special, but in all honestly it’s a social construct created by men that think their dick is life changing. Speaking from personal experience, the only guy that’s given amazing sex is Mark. That’s one out of the six guys I’ve slept with. But from the looks of Jackson, and the rumours around campus -although how many of those girls can you actually trust that they’ve slept with him - he’s pretty special.”
“Will you stop with that. He’s a classmate, that I have to do a project with. That’s all.” April huffed, she definitely didn’t want to hear or imagine any of his previous rendezvous.
“If you say so.” Lexie said picking up the last slice of pizza from the box.
“That went so good.” Jackson grinned as they exited the doors of Professor Webber’s class. After two weeks of emailing back and forth, and all of the previous evenings spent together perfecting their case, it was finished.
“We were on fire!” April agreed, unable to contain her bouncing from excitement. “I still can’t believe only three other groups correctly diagnosed all of their cases.” Saying that made both of their smiles grow even bigger.
“What can I say, we are an amazing team.” He told her, truthfully. That statement caused April to jump up into his arms, giving him a big hug. Her action shocked both of them. Luckily, his quick reflexes kicked in, placing his left hand on her lower back for support.
His hand was dangerously close to her ass, and he liked it. Usually, Jackson is only in this position when he carries a woman to a bed, and they have minimal clothing on. If this were anyone else he would probably crack a joke about it - but it’s Kepner.
While they were finishing the project he realized how innocent she is. Yes, she said penis a lot when they first met. It took until that occasion for him to notice the slight red pigmentation scattered across her face when she says that word. Jackson likes talking to her, and he will gladly be more pg if it means he gets to spend time with her,
“What’s going on here?” Lexie asked startling the two.
Their denim covered legs stopped touching as Aprils black flats touched the floor again. Jacksons slid his hand across her soft, cotton covered back until he no longer felt her.
“We, uh we were um-” April tried to form a sentence.
“We were having a celebration hug.” Jackson answered, ending Aprils stutters. “And now, I’m inviting you both to the Halloween party at Kappa Sigma this weekend.” Right away Lexie’s face grinned, while April looked uncomfortable.
“Oh, Jackson I don’t really think-”
“It starts at 10:30, make sure you dress up. Anyways, I have to get going.” And with a wave, he was leaving the two girls.
He felt bad for cutting April off twice, but the first time put everyone (including her) out of their misery. And the second time he knew she was going to turn down his offer right away. He definitely didn’t want that to happen.
“Well, that was interesting.”
“Huh?” April asked. She heard her friend speak but her attention was focused on the man she was previously wrapped around and his perfect backside.
“I said, ‘that was interesting.’” Lexie repeated. “And stop looking at him walk away he can probably feel your eyes.”
April faced turned and made eye contact with her friend “sorry.” She sheepishly smiled.
“Oo you’re smitten. So, what are you going to wear?”
“I like it, but a little bit too risky for out in public - especially at a frat house. Save that for his bedroom.”
April rolled her eyes “I said that because I’m not going.”
Lexie’s mouth opened and eyes widened in shock “You’re kidding, right?”
“No, you know that’s not my kind of scene.” April truthfully replied.
“Which is exactly why you should go. We’re in college for Christ’s sake, this is the only time you get to experience one of these. And I, your best friend, will be there with you.”
“I guess you’re right.”
“Of course I’m right. Now c'mon,” Lexie grabbed Aprils arm and started to guide her “go to class. Afterwards, we are going costume shopping.”
“I already have a costume.” April pointed out as she was dragged to class.
“You’re not going as a velveteen bunny. Playboy yes, velveteen is a big fat no!”