Being raised Catholic obviously means being raised Christian but sometimes I forget how weird and out there Catholic beliefs are compared to other Christians.
Do other Christian groups have the trinity? Not just “father, son, Holy Ghost” but the explicit belief that God is all of those people separately AND simultaneously? We are not really supposed to find this comprehensible???
Speaking of mysteries, the Pascal Mystery? We also acknowledge that the whole passion/death/actual fucking resurrection/ascension to glory of the Christ doesn’t make any sense and that’s part of why it’s so fucking holy? We have a hymn that goes “dying he destroyed our deeeeeaaaath, rising he restored our liiiiiife.” TBH I don’t think it’s that mysterious but mysteriousness is sacred I guess.
Do other christians all swear they believe in the Transfiguration? I know most of you do Communion or Eucharist or whatever in some way buuut we’re out here agreeing on some wild shit we all know is fake??? The priest is like “this is my body, take this and eat of it in memory of me” and you know what? It’s still a fucking communion wafer. But we all have to agree it’s Literally Jesus Flesh. I’m not kidding. This is what we teach our children.
The entire concept of saints is weird.
One of my favorite Catholic terms is Holy Day of Obligation, which means you have to go to Church our you’re sinning. Every Sunday is a Holy Day of Obligation. Easter is a Holy Day of Obligation. Good Friday, Palm Sunday, etc. What honest Cardinal came up with Holy Day of Obligation??? Might as well have called it Holy Day of Oh Fuck Church AGAIN??? Holy Day of I Guess I Have To. Holy Day of My Mother Will Shame Me if I SkipDo you guys have MAY CROWNINGS? You’ve probably heard that we’re High Fucking Key Obsessed with Mary (leftover goddess worship I like to think). But do you put #aesthetic flower crowns on Mary statues the first of every May? The first grade It Girl in my glass not only got to play Mary in our Christmas pageant but went on to get to CROWN HER. I just held the stupid ladder and trilled “oh Mary we crown you with BLO-SSOMS to-day” with the rest of the grade and I was so pissed. I’m reasonably certain you guys do Christmas pageants. But I know what I bet you didn’t do? Breakfast With Jesus. To be fair this is not a pope-sponsored event but it happened every year in the parish gym! There used to be this Capitalist holiday celebration in like……the 90s called Breakfast w/Santa. It was held at the mall. You took your kids there some Saturday morning to have shitty pancakes with a mall Santa and the idea was that if you were already at the mall at 9 AM, you’d spend the rest of the day worshipping your capitalist overlords there. My church decided they needed an event to COMPETE. Jesus was never actually in attendance. Just church lady eggs and shitty crafts and grumpy old people. Like I said, not pope-approved. But imagine the mindset that needs to compete with Mall Santa! Imagine!!!!! Do you…….do you know how we pick our popes? We don’t! We don’t know! I mean….we know the basic outline. All the cardinals get together for a Silly Red Outfit Convention. Vatican politics. Intrigue, I assume. Candidates are suggested, votes are cast, presumably the Da Vinci vault is opened and secrets are traded idk. But the deciding moment happens between closed doors and decisions are communicated to the public through COLORED SMOKE. In 5th grade when we were getting a new pope we all watched this happen on a tiny TV aaaaand that was what we did at school that day. Once the Holy Smoke declares he’s The Popiest, he’s Infallible. That means he’s Right About Everything Because God Told Him So. Technically we’re supposed to believe everything he does is perfect and like, follow his lead. (Hard to reconcile when you think about the pro-Nazi sentiment of a certain Pope of Christmas Past, huh?) This is the reason people thought the Vatican was gone take over the country when Catholic JFK was elected to the presidency. It’s an open secret that the priesthood is an ugly refuge for Catholic gay men. I’m not telling you this because I think it’s funny and I’m not telling you this as if it was a rule, but that’s what people think and usually don’t say. I’ve often wondered if part of the reason no one becomes a priest now is because like. Other fucking options exist. However I will not speak to the actual prevalence of gay priests. Our stance on Being Gay is also?? Bizarre? Compared to the rest of you christians? Like it’s horrible. But weird. “Gay people aren’t evil,” we say. “God made them the way they are! But any kind of acting on their gayness ever is a Big Old Sin lol.” It’s kind of…extra heartless when you think about it. Speaking of sin, um……..you guys don’t do Reconciliation/Confession I’m pretty sure. Probably you have heard of this one: We go into a Shame Box with an obscured priest and confess our misdeeds. (In this day and age almost no one has confessionals so the priest actually looks you in your eye and knows your name and it’s Horrible). But did you know that this is preceded by a mass shaming session? Confession isn’t available all the time. Either you go by request or you go when it’s being held. If there’s a big group the priest will prepare you by doing this weird speech which is supposed to make you feel super bad about everything you’ve ever done. I’ve always suspected this isn’t part of the catechism, they’re just trying to bring your sins to the surface to make their nights a little shorter. “Life starts at conception” may have started with us. Sorry. :/ But on the subject of abortion, I’ve only ever seen Catholic churchyards full of hundreds of tiny white crosses meant to represent the souls of aborted babies. I mean, I know there’s some pretty gross, extreme anti-abortion displays out there but this is unique in it’s subtlety and creepiness. I used to babysit for my cousin and she had a picture of one of these setups on her MANTLE. Like it was art!!!!! I…I could go on. But I’ll stop. We’re weird fuckers and it’s not just because we have an old guy in a big hat.